Pounded by Produce

by G.M. Fairy

A tale of veggies tempted to break their vows.

Fleeing a tumultuous past, Emily finds refuge at a kitchen job in a quiet countryside parish.

Robert and Laurent are two best friends with a bond that has crossed lines throughout their history but now walk the straight and narrow, giving their lives to their parish as priests.

One magical night under the harvest moon, Robert and Laurent experience a bizarre transformation: They wake up as a tomato and cucumber.

Emily brings these ripe and juicy vegetables into the kitchen, but instead of preparing a meal, she uses them for other, more carnal needs. Emily awakens something inside of the priests, who switch back and forth between their human and vegetable forms.

The three find themself in a steamy entanglement, unable to deny their primal desires. Will they fight their urges or break their vows and alter the course of their lives forever?

From the best-selling author of Get In My Swamp comes a veggie love story filled with angst and lust.

Genres: Romance, Book Club, Spicy, Paranormal, Novella, Smut, LGBT

203 pages, Kindle Edition

Published February 14, 2025

About the author

G.M. FAIRY is a #1 best-selling, romance author who dabbles in Fantasy, Sci-Fi, and all things whimsical. She's best known for Get In My Swamp and Pounded by Produce. Her specialty is taking the stories we all know and love and ruining them in the best way possible.

Reviews

[delusioanal · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book about a girl fucking a cucumber and a tomato who just so happens to be the priest at the church she just started working at, has absolutely no business being as good as it was. This had me laughing out loud and heating up at the same time. Enjoyed every second of it in one sitting. Idk what that says about me but idc anymore.

Will never not think about Robert, Laurent and Emily when I eat my veggies. What a beautiful way to start the new year, thank you G.M. Fairy!

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.

[Fish]

Well…this is going to make for an interesting video

[Bean]

i know i’m not on here anymore and i deleted all my negative reviews but i need to let the people know that the yaoi in this is more real than it is in blood of hercules. or even iron widow. tradpub polyam mlm representation is being crushed by veggie tales inspired erotica where the priests inexplicably turn into vegetables. #LOVEISLOVE

[mica · Rating 2 out of 5]

que pasaria si mezclamos challengers con fleabag y una verduleria? este libro pasaría

[nicole · Rating 4 out of 5]

girl what about the yeast infection!!!!!!

[Lauren McGraw · Rating 4 out of 5]

IT’S A GOOD STORY. WHY ARE YOU BOOING ME YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT.

[Grace Btrs · Rating 4 out of 5]

🍵This Cooked, Ate, and Fucking Served
Grab your tea, because I’m about to spill. ☕
And no, no one got chopped, but we did have a lot of seed. 🌱
I think I’m done with puns. I think. I’m not sure though. Lollllll
You’re here, so you get what you get.

🔥 The Menu
• 🎈MMF cause you can’t make a salad with only 2 ingredients
• 🧙🏻‍♂️Priests, Blasphemy, and the freaking Gods a.k.a. destiny meets chaos.
• 🍅🥒🌶️Smut and spice in different forms wink wink (sorry, I said no more puns but alas)
• ⛪Not one, but TWO confessional booth scenes…. Someone probably needs to get on their knees (they did)
• 👻 An unhinged woman who really doesn’t scare fast. Honestly, this could be a horror book if it wanted to change some aspects.
• So freaking hot. 🔥
• Two good boys and their dirty angel 😇

😏 My Take
That said, I know I gave this 3.5 stars, but I was grinning like it was 10 stars. ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
I am tempted as fuck to just give it 5.

The book was manifesting the cosmos. 🌌
It tried to be philosophical and theological at times, and yes, you can see it.
It was so ridiculous I found myself cackling out loud. 😂

Now, the thing I couldn’t fully get behind was the “Father” nickname.
Yeah, yeah, they are both priests, so Fathers.
But I’m not a “daddy” girl, and even with all the blasphemous dishes I was eating up, it just left my cheeks red and my eyes rolling. 🙈

I loved that we have such different characters, but I did not feel they were explored as much as they could have been.
Then again, it’s a 200-page book.
I really enjoyed how much balance there was:
• Between the POVs
• The sex and intimate scenes
• The emotional dynamics between the three
Sure, expect things to move at 1.7x speed, but again, we’re doing quite a few things in 200 pages. ⚡

😂 Final Recommendation
Anyway, this is silly fun, laugh-out-loud time.
It needs the right mood, and for you to overlook the elaborate plot and universe.
It’s all there. No holes. (Can I make another pun? Please? No? Okay fiiiiiiinneeeee.)
It’s coherent, just not bursting and overflowing. (Sorry, I had to.)

PS: I didn’t do audio for this one.

--
Pre-read:
After the jury ruled on the last book, the judge ordered me to have a silly time cz life is not that serious.

[anna b · Rating 3 out of 5]

honestly, wish they had been vegetables for more of this

[WURLD · Rating 5 out of 5]

YouTube video coming soon LMAO

[sophie · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 - I did it y'all, I read Published Veggie Tales Smut. honestly, i was a lot more charmed by this than i thought i would be... a delightful dose of sacrilegious nonsense paired with horny gay priests has never done any harm, okay? plus Gail was fabulous. I enjoyed the scenes where they were not vegetables so much more than the vegetable scenes, though.

Anyways, I really think GM Fairy should hire me as their copy editor. I'd do it for free just for the bragging rights. Hello, please hire me, thank you, I will proudly wear the badge of smut editor, I know my p's and q's, and I'm willing to defer to you on the cum/come dichotomy (but we've REALLY gotta pick one, please).

Thank you beloved coworkers, without whom I would never know this existed. Maybe the wildest published book I've ever read, because I don't read in this genre at all, but frankly delightful and a great palate cleanser from the litfic swamp I've been trapped myself in. Wheeee!

[liz]

Look idk what to tell you… this was a masterpiece….

Only bitches cry over two priests that get a spell on them that turns them into a tomato and a cucumber and they get fucked as vegetables by their live in chef but also the priests are in love but can’t be together and the author compares them to Achilles and Patroclus. It’s me. I’m bitches.

“Don’t do this to me. I love you. I will love you no matter what form you take. Man, priest, tomato, even in death, my heart will beat for you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”
LMAOOOOOOOOO fuck

[Charlotte Starling · Rating 4 out of 5]

exposure therapy for my aversion to raw tomatoes 🍅
okay but actually the consistent use of the word come instead of cum is my biggest critique. it really takes you out of the moment, ya know?
🍅
powells friends, I can’t wait to compare notes on this
🥒

[Urtė Caspo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Du kunigai, kurie pagal nuotaiką pavirsta agurku ir pomidoru, jauna bažnyčios virėja ir jų... grupinis. Ką žinau 😅👍. Svarbu jiem gerai!!!

[Leo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this for review on booksirens.

When I read the title and the blurb I was very curious to read it. I havnt read much sentient objects erotica before but I was definitely intruied. It was just as silly in parts as I tought but also a rather good story and romance. Funny, smutty and weird but still very much a romance.

[Molly Likovich · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a bisexual who was raised catholic, I support this message🫡🍅🥒❤️‍🔥

[M (hiatus) · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️

LOL I LOVED THIS BOOK 😭🤣

This was surprisingly less weird than I thought it’d be?? I was laughing A LOT, and I absolutely loved the FMC. She was funny, relatable, and honestly I’m not sure I would’ve behaved any differently if I ever found myself working with two hot priests 🤷‍♀️🤣 speaking of priests, I love reading blasphemous books and this one definitely hit the spot for me 🥵 (even tho I wish it had been even dirtier lol)

The only reason this isn’t a 5 star read is because no lube for the MMCs first time is crazy work, and also… how did they buy a farm?? With what money?? lol priests don’t make that much, do they? Anyways, the ending felt a little rushed, but overall I really liked this book. Do I have a priest kink? Who knows. Maybe. Probably. Hot priests for the win!!

1st person - multiple povs
mmf
no virgins
no condoms
no sharing (besides between each other)
no owd/omd
no cheating
no 3rd act breakup
hea

[Casper · Rating 1 out of 5]

The amount of grammatical errors, incorrect words, switched tenses, missing words, etc. makes this read like a rough draft that never saw an editor. It makes no sense that it was published like this. Just because it's self-pubbed and spice doesn't make that acceptable.

Also the author clearly did next to zero research on Catholicism because woof. Have your sexy priests but you can spend twenty minutes on even attempting to get their speech patterns or sermons down. Like yeah, I'm being nit-picky as an ex-Catholic but it's just...so bad dude.

And another thing. You wanna write a polyamorous relationship, call it that. Because polygamy (pg 185 on my kindle) is a completely different relationship structure. Again, just five seconds to google the difference between the two. That's all.

Also spoiler for "plot": the witch/old lady thing was just stupid. It was written so vaguely and like wannabe mysteriously. It made no sense. The way the guys flipped this sudden switch to be like "ah, yes, the gods, the universe, this mysterious unknown force" was also so nonsensical, especially for Robert.

And Robert's whole character was just frustrating. Like the "plot" was literally 170 pages of him going "I want you" and then immediately going "omg no I can't". Like gurl bsffr.'

[Lagoonne · Rating 4 out of 5]

ARC Read
3.5/5

I want TWO boyfriends. And I want the boyfriends to BE BOYFRIENDS. And I want to be THEIR girlfriend.

Honestly I don't know what to say, I have no words. There were parts that I thought were really impactful and parts that truly had me laughing out loud. There were also parts that weirded me out. This was a wild ride of a story and definitely is one of those turn your brain off to enjoy books. It was a very quick read. I finished it in a couple hours. I think the ending felt a little rushed for me.

[Biblio · Rating 5 out of 5]

Proverbs 15:17 It is better to screw vegetables with those who love you than to screw meat with those who hate you. Or something like that... This was everything I wanted and more. The Veggie Tales we needed. What a healing experience. Jokes aside I absolutely loved this. GM Fairy is too freaking funny and I will forever be a fan. Laurent and Robert could get it. In veggie form too. Must read. Infinite stars. Definitely make getting smacked with a ruler in sunday school worth it.

[Wolky · Rating 4 out of 5]

Phenomenal.
The Fathers Vegetable and Emily are each genuine characters, with hosts of their own traumas, resentments, and yearnings. This is a book that is assisted in being an interesting erotica that is sort of critical of the Catholic Church, by a vegetable bit. Love a bit.

[Heather Morihara · Rating 2 out of 5]

The best thing about this book is that I never have to read it again.

[Manda Griffiths · Rating 2 out of 5]

I guess religious veggie smut is not for me 🍅🥒

[Alexandra_ · Rating 3 out of 5]

2,5 stars rounded up because this book didn't take itself seriously and I had a blast ahahahahah

the premise of 2 priests living together for years and having unresolved feelings for each other, and adding a sweet, pretty female cook to the mix was good enough but having the priests turning into produce?! fucking comedy 🤣

[Joscelyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. very silly. very unserious. 🍅🥒

[kamryn · Rating 3 out of 5]

a surprisingly loving and tender story for it being about polyamorous priests who turn into vegetables 😭

[Cassandra · Rating 3 out of 5]

listen NO ONE IS MORE SURPRISED THAN ME that I actually didn't hate this as much as I thought. I saw the rating and was confused about how high it was but if you completely remove the sentient vegetable storyline.... you'd get what I mean.

i cannot believe there is a book in this world where it is veggie tales inspired (SONGS INCLUDED) with some fleabag influence.... i can't wrap my head around it.

[Jess · Rating 4 out of 5]

WEIRDEST 4☆ ILL EVER GIVE

[Dr CG · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bahahaaa!!! I’m dying right now 🤣🤣🤣
This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read in my life, but will I be telling others to read it? ABSOLUTELY! 💯

Veggie porn! Who woulda thought? Lmao!!

[Tara Edwards · Rating 4 out of 5]

That, was wild. 🥒🍅

[Jade Cole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Why did I enjoy this book as much as I did? This has to be one of the weirdest books I have ever read but I couldnt put it down.

I blame my book club for this.