Adult Children of Borderline Parents: A Trauma-Informed Guide to Recover from a Toxic Childhood and Discover a Healthy Sense of Self

by Daniel S. Lobel, Randi Kreger (foreword)

Heal the hidden wounds of growing up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder (BPD), develop a healthy sense of self, and reclaim your full potential.

Did you grow up with a parent who has borderline personality disorder (BPD), or you suspect they did? Was your parent’s behavior unpredictable or scary? Did it seem like they were angry one minute and happy the next? Were your basic needs ignored? If so, it wasn’t your fault. Children raised by a parent with BPD are subjected to a number of unhealthy and damaging behaviors—from uncontrolled anger and abuse, to gaslighting, blame-shifting, lying, and more. As a result of these experiences, you may have developed feelings of guilt, insecurity, and depression that have lingered throughout your adult life.

This compassionate guide offers a trauma-informed approach to help you recover from your toxic childhood and discover the person you were truly meant to be. You’ll learn how to identify emotional and developmental wounds, and discover why interactions with your parents were so harmful to your sense of self. Then, you’ll learn to create strong interpersonal boundaries and overcome feelings of guilt, anger, and low self-worth. Finally, through the act of emotional reprocessing, you’ll reclaim those aspects of yourself that were lost or distorted by your trauma, so you can restart healthy growth processes and become the person you were meant to be.

If you’re carrying the hidden wounds of a toxic childhood, you’re not alone—and you can heal. With this practical and powerful guide, you can finally understand what happened, build a healthy sense of self, and reach your full potential.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology

184 pages, Paperback

Published April 1, 2025

About the author

Daniel S. Lobel, Ph.D is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Katonah, New York. He is an Assistant Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at Mount Sinai College of Medicine in New York City. He has authored several chapters in psychology textbooks and written many blogs on Borderline Personality Disorder:

The Borderline Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Mother II | Psychology Today
The Borderline/Narcissistic Mother | Psychology Today
The Borderline Parent—A Survival Guide | Psychology Today
The Borderline Father | Psychology Today
The Borderline Daughter | Psychology Today

Reviews

[Amelia McGraw · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book may or may not have changed my life.

[Gwendolyn H]

read this for no particular reason at all

[Eileen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is really validating for people who grew up with a caregiver who had symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder. It's nice and concise, so it's not a time-consuming endeavor to get through it. It's also written for the typical layperson, so you don't need any prior knowledge of psychology to read this. The book is divided into 3 parts. The 1st part discusses what an experience with a BPD parent might typically be like, how it causes trauma in the child, why it's damaging, and how it affects children as adults. I thought this 1st part was very helpful. It makes you feel seen and validated, and that you're not "crazy" for having the myriad of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that you have. The 2nd part is Healing, which basically helps you to stop the recurring mental injury that comes from being in a relationship with someone who has BPD. A lot of it deals with boundaries. There are some helpful analogies in this section that make the information easier to understand. The 3rd part is Growth, which instructs you in how to move forward from your damaging experiences and work towards the life you want to have. I think the ideas in parts 2 and 3 are good, but I felt that the steps provided to reach those ideals weren't adequately developed. The author basically tells you what needs to happen, and I agreed with those ideas, but it felt like the author made it sound too easy. Like, it describes what reprocessing is and how to do it, and then it moves on to the next thing. But reprocessing is really hard. Just knowing "how" to do it isn't really enough, because it's a long and painful process. If the people reading this book aren't in therapy, I don't think that they will be successful with the recommendations presented here, because it's just too simplistic and seems easier than it is. I do agree that reprocessing, and all the other ideas presented here, is a necessary step, but I would have liked a much more guided walk through it, especially if intended for people who are trying to heal without the help of a professional.