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by Philippa Perry

Syväluotaava ja käytännönläheinen menestysteos pureutuu ihmissuhteiden solmukohtiin.

Miksi tasainen parisuhde tuntuu tylsältä? Miksi tärkeä ystävyyssuhde kuihtui? Miksi appivanhempien kanssa on vaikea tulla toimeen? Psykoterapeutti ja bestseller-kirjailija Philippa Perry on työssään törmännyt toistuviin, erimielisyyttä aiheuttaviin teemoihin ja jalostanut havainnoistaan ihmissuhteiden selviytymisoppaan.

Toisten käytöksen ruotimisen sijaan Perry kehottaa miettimään, miten voi muuttaa omaa käytöstään tai ajatteluaan. Avain itsen ja muiden ymmärtämiseen piilee yksinkertaisissa kysymyksissä: kuinka rakastan ja riitelen, kuinka käsittelen muutosta ja stressiä, kuinka löydän mielenrauhan.

Includes some material adapted from the Ask Philippa columns in Observer Magazine.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Relationships, Mental Health, Audiobook, Personal Development

200 pages, Paperback

First published October 12, 2023

About the author

Philippa Perry, author of How to Stay Sane, is a psychotherapist and writer who has written pieces for The Guardian, The Observer, Time Out, and Healthy Living magazine and has a column in Psychologies Magazine. In 2010, she wrote the graphic novel Couch Fiction, in an attempt to demystify psychotherapy. She lives in London and Sussex with her husband, the artist Grayson Perry, and enjoys gardening, cooking, parties, walking, tweeting, and watching telly.

http://us.macmillan.com/author/philip...

Reviews

[Jasmin Vu · Rating 1 out of 5]

To be fair, I didn’t finish the book because I got too angry, only a couple of chapters. Every chapter starts with the letter of a reader which describes a relatively complex relationship problem. The author immediately narrows down the situation to one single thing that’s going wrong, and then suggests that one simple change in behavior can solve the problem. She does not acknowledge any nuances of the problem, she doesn’t empathize with the people involved, and she doesn’t consider that changing a mindset is easier said than done. Her tone comes across as judgmental.

You find it hard to find real connections? Just be vulnerable with them and show them the real you.

You are disappointed by your past relationships and for that reason find it hard to trust people again? Stop thinking in „nevers“ and „always“, and just imagine that the next relationship could be more positive.

The advice is so basic and superficial, that it might sound reasonable to the reader, who will inevitable be disappointed once they try the advice and find it hard to implement in real life.

The author had a chance to write a book that helps people understand themselves. Instead you get the same advice as from that one person in your life that never actually listens to what you say and instead jumps to solutions immediately.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

3+ stars for the insights from this book by my favourite psychotherapist. I discovered Philippa Perry through her weekly agony aunt column in the Observer newspaper. I love her non-judgemental approach and how she translates psychological theories and research into plainly-spoken practical advice. In this book she repackages her decades of psychotherapy experience into four chapters: how we love; how we argue; how we change; and how we find contentment. If you are even slightly open to self-reflection on relationships and emotions (functional and dysfunctional), then this book will offer you ‘aha moments’ and useful advice. The author has a chatty style, it might be too informal for some, but it worked for me and I am 100% sure I will revisit this book. Maybe a different (younger) set of case studies would be needed for this book to have the same impact on a younger audience such as my kids (early 20s)? But anyway, my husband’s reading it now… that should open up some interesting discussion 😆….

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Surprised at how useful I found this book!!! Want to buy it for a few of my family but maybe a bit offensive to gift self-help books 🤣

[Hestia Istiviani · Rating 3 out of 5]

Satu hal yang aku luput perhitungkan ketika beranjak dewasa: mengelola pertemanan.

Selain keluar dari toxic relationship, moving on from friendship break up juga sulit buatku. Apalagi ketika dua hal itu terjadi berbarengan. Nggak perlu dibayangin sakitnya gimana ya 🙃 (been there done that & waiting for their karma)

I never prepared for that kind of friendship. Ketika menjadi dewasa dan lingkaran pertemanan semakin kecil, biasanya disebabkan oleh kesibukan masing-masing. Kuliah, kerja, berkeluarga. Bagiku, wajar saja. Tapi beda ceritanya jika aku atau mereka yang memutuskan untuk berhenti menjadikanku "teman." Rasanya masih sulit dipercaya.

How We Change, Bab 3 dari buku terbaru Philippa Perry ini menjadi bagian favoritku. Ada banyak faktor yang membuat individu berubah. Dan tentu saja mempengaruhi relasi antarmanusia pula. When it comes to "friendship" kadang ada ketakutan bahwa cuma dia/mereka yang bisa menerima kita. Faktanya, everybody's changing.

Menavigasi diri secara sadar setelah mengambil keputusan untuk berubah, termasuk memutuskan pertemanan, itu nggak gampang. Ada rasa "loss" & "grief" seperti yang dituliskan Perry: "feel like a bereavement."

Perry menulis bahwa bagaimana pun juga, jangan sampai kita kehilangan identitas diri. Perlu untuk mengevaluasi lagi sebuah hubungan yang kita jalani--termasuk dalam hal pertemanan. Apakah jadi sama-sama terbebani? Bisakah hal ini dibicarakan baik-baik? Kalau pun nggak bisa, usahakan untuk disampaikan pula. Jangan cuma asal ngilang begitu saja.

Bab 4, How We Find Contentment juga menarik buatku. Terutama perihal "envy" & "jealous."

Melihat sesama kreator konten buku yang udah melejit dg followers bejibun, aku nggak bohong kalau muncul rasa iri (envy). In this case, Perry bilang kalau yg kulakukan ini nggak adil. Aku mengomparasi the external of someone dengan my internal. Ujungnya, the inner critic inside my head jadi sangat aktif. Bikin aku gampang minder 😭

The Book You Want Everyone You Love* to Read ini masih nggak jauh beda dari tema boundaries & being one self yg sudah pernah kubaca. Nggak begitu banyak hal baru yg bisa kudapatkan dari sini 🙏

[Natalia · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did really enjoy this but I think she skipped to the NEXT topic way too fast, in some cases it felt like she was just starting to get into a topic and then it would end and go onto the next one. So I guess my only complaint was that I just wanted MORE

[Emma Skapetis · Rating 3 out of 5]

I finished this book in the early morning when I couldn't sleep. Anyway I binged it and while there were some useful insights I got I didn't actually gain much from it. Some of this advice is definitely not for me. For example the author suggests that when someone says you are stupid you respond with, 'Ah so you think I am stupid. Thanks for letting me know.' This is to show the person insulting you that you are listening to them. I have already been called stupid as well dumb a few times in my life (and I usually think that is what I am because I have learning difficulties and I sometimes need someone to tell me what to do when I am confused) but I don't want to put up with that. Anyway this book was fine.

[Emily B · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5

[Nada · Rating 5 out of 5]

جميل جداً لكل شخص مهتم بتطوير نفسه و علاقاته..
رغم انّ اغلب مافيه قد مرّ عليّ من قبل بسبب قرائاتي الكثيرة في هذا المجال إلا إنّه ظل ممتعاً و مفيداً ..

[Beth Bonini · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars: engaging, direct, down to earth and very user friendly

Becoming more self-aware and better equipped to cope with life does not mean spending every single hour of your day in introspection. It’s about taking responsibility for our part in how we make others feel and how we impact on others.

Using letters as a starting point for discussion, Phillipa Perry organises this book around three broad mental-health topics: “How We Love,” “How We Argue,” “How We Change,” and “How We Find Contentment.”

I first listened to this book as an audiobook - and the author reads her own work - and then read it again from a hard copy whilst also taking notes. (I also did quite a lot of underlining, bracketing and starring of various points.)

One of the decisions that Perry takes is to not diagnose, label or refer directly to various mental health conditions or neurodivergencies. She explains why towards the end of the book, but a reader might not even notice this until she brings it up. Instead, she takes a very “universalist” approach and I think that is why this is a good book for almost anyone - and certainly anyone who is resistant to, or even completely ignorant of, the work of psychotherapy. She has a very nonjudgmental and straightforward approach and she speaks in clear language. Readers will not get bogged down, or confused by, the complicated syntax and vocabulary so often employed by academics.

I like the fact that she makes this important point: “Doing work on yourself is important. It isn’t selfish or self-indulgent because it helps you get rid of the barriers that stop you becoming closer to someone else.”

Growing older and more frail allows us to see what it is that brings us joy and fulfilment, and generally it tends to be our relationships: relationships with family and friends, with neighbours and shopkeepers, but also with old books, paintings, possessions and ideas.

[Laura Pol Bodetto · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think my expectations for this book were too high. I found it very hard to follow and had to skim through certain pages as they were extremely boring and repetitive. While the author does offer some good advice and useful strategies in certain parts, overall, I found her tendency to jump from topic to topic, with zero banter, coupled with sometimes brutal and overly predictable advice, to be a major drawback.

[Aurelia · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5 ⭐️
I’m usually a sucker for psychology books but my expectations were too high for this one, I’m afraid. I’ve definitely read better psychology books! She barely touches her subjects and then moves on to another subject!

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

4/5 ⭐️ Dit boek gaat over hoe je relaties vormt, hoe je daar voldoening in vindt en hoe je er eventueel iets aan kunt veranderen. Ook over hoe we ruziemaken, hoe we veranderen en hoe we tevreden worden.

Mijn eerste boek van psychotherapeute Philippa Perry, maar zeker niet mijn laatste. Makkelijk geschreven en gebaseerd op eigen ervaringen van haar en ingezonden brieven. Verwacht geen theoretisch onderbouwd of baanbrekend boek met gigantische diepgang, maar wel wijze woorden waarin ik zelf ook wel geconfronteerd werd over hoe mijn aandeel in relaties anders kan. Vond het boeiend om te lezen.

“Het goede nieuws is dat we anderen weliswaar niet kunnen veranderen, maar wel in de hand hebben hoe wij zelf op anderen reageren en ingaan, en dat kan de hele situatie omgooien. We hebben anderen niet in de hand maar alleen onszelf, en als we onze relaties uit het slop willen trekken, is de eerste stap dat we ons eigen handelen en gedrag aanpassen. Het is veel gemakkelijker, maar minder instructief, om ons te focussen op hoe irritant anderen zijn dan om onder ogen te zien dat onze eigen inbreng problemen geeft binnen een relatie.”

[Annika Döring · Rating 5 out of 5]

Der Titel des Buches ist ein bisschen wie eine selbsterfüllende Prophezeiung - smart gewählt. Ich habe es empfohlen bekommen und es nach dem Lesen direkt weiter verschenkt.

Ich mochte es offensichtlich sehr. Wieso? Es ist in vier große Themengebiete unterteilt: "Wir wir lieben", "Wie wir streiten", "Wir wir uns verändern können" und "Wie wir Zufriedenheit erlangen". Verschiedene den Oberthemen angehörige Konflikte, welche häufig auftreten, stellt die Autorin (selbst Psychotherapeutin) anhand von Leserbriefen vor und gibt ihre persönlichen Ratschläge ab, wie sie die Situation angehen würde.

Es ist im Prinzip ein "Therapie-Rundumschlag" oder eine "Lösung für alles", da es kaum einen inneren Konflikt gibt, der nicht in dem Buch angesprochen wird. Daher bin ich auch der Meinung, dass jede Person einen Anknüpfungspunkt finden und einen wertvollen Ratschlag mitnehmen kann. Selbstverständlich bedeutet es, dass bei jedem einzelnen Aspekt auch nur an der Oberfläche gekratzt werden kann - was mich persönlich nicht stört, da es genug Bücher gibt, die breit und tief darauf herumkauen. Das hier ist einfach knackig, gerade tiefgründig genug, lässt sich gut lesen und wie gesagt - man kann es echt jeder Person schenken bzw. ans Herz legen!

[because_she_reads (Mira Jade) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved all the everyday wisdom notes. I didn’t learn anything drastic or found anything completely life changing but this book was a good reminder of things we should keep in mind when giving ourselves grace in life.

I also really liked all the mini excerpts of diff people expressing their situations, it’s a nice way to show we’re all struggling in different ways and we’re never truly alone in how we feel and that everyone is going through something so be mindful of that when we interact, communicate or disagree.

[David · Rating 2 out of 5]

Echt waardeloos. De schrijfster is een beetje een know-it-all geworden die op basis van een enkele brief van een lezer complete analyses en hechtingsgeschiedenissen uittekent, maar tegelijkertijd 100x schrijft dat ze ook niet altijd gelijk heeft. Het is meer een verzameling populaire psychologie columns dan een boek.

[Elizabeth Jane · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was a tough read. I like the concept of anonymous submissions and using it as a tool to provide advice BUT a lot of her “advice” was vague and often felt patronising to the submitter and reader. Her advice often felt like “have you tried looking in the mirror and smiling?”. Rather than acknowledging how complex individuals are and their circumstances, and how to work through it idk

[Claire · Rating 2 out of 5]

2,5⭐️ würde es nicht uuunbedingt weiterempfehlen, vor allem psychologie-studierenden nicht und leuten, die einigermaßen reflektiert sind.
dann liest sich das buch nämlich wie ein haufen küchenpsychologie und offensichtlichen weisheiten.
die ersten zwei kapitel fand ich noch ganz spannend, die letzten zwei aber gar nicht, vielleicht hab ich deshalb auch fast ein jahr gebraucht, es zu lesen.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's a great insight on all kinds of relationships, analyzing how they're working and maybe help you decide to change or improve something. It felt a little bit oversimplified, but it was a pleasant and simple read. The best parts were the the excerpts from her column, it made everything feel more personal

[Liv · Rating 4 out of 5]

Actually a lovely book with v important messages

[Maddie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful and engaging, even though it felt somewhat simplified in places, still worth reading if you're looking for tips and handy advice on how to handle relationships with different people in your life.

[Apgepps · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don’t want anyone I love to read this book

[Jessieloda · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dit was echt een super self help book; helemaal in mijn straatje. Philippa, een van mijn nieuwe favo psychotherapeuten, schrijft alsof ze een vriendin is die je advies geeft, heerlijk informeel en begrijpelijk, maar wel over de moeilijkste dingen die je in je leven leert en meemaakt. Banden met mensen opbouwen, jezelf kwetsbaar opstellen, opletten op je gevoelens en emoties en hoe te trainen hoe deze in goede banen te leiden zonder dat ze jou of je medemens in de wegzitten. Ik ga nog regelmatig terug naar gemarkeerde quotes die me helpen tijdens introspectie positievere en weerbaardere mindset te smeden. Soms zeggen of denken we heel negatief en belangrijk is te onthouden dat het leven gradaties heeft en niet altijd een 1 of 10 is. Met zulk soort alles en niks denken, waar ik vaak schuldig aan was haal je alle gradaties kleur uit het leven. Blijf hameren op positieve affirmaties samen met de hoop en het bewijs dat 'enkele zaadjes ontkiemen', wat niet gebeurd als je ze niet eerst zaait. Je leest snel door het boek heen die verdeeld is in 4 secties: hoe we liefhebben, hoe we ruzie maken, hoe we veranderen en hoe we tevreden worden. Veel theorie is licht ,fijn uitgelegd en iets waar je direct wat aan hebt; van de hechtingstypes en ruzie types heb ik dingen gehaald die me in mijn relaties hebben geholpen. De ingezonden brieven die Philippa behandelt van echte mensen die om advies vragen geven het boek extra diepgang en boyy do I love the psychological tea these people share. Kwa diepgang is het misschien 4 sterren, maar de toegankelijkheid en chille schrijfstijl maakt het voor mij 5 sterren! Ik wil dit boek aan al mijn getraumatiseerde familie leden geven.

[Keen Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Don’t mistake familiarity for truth.”

Ah Perry is a wise owl as ever. With her reprinting various letters she’s received over the years as her job as therapy columnist, this can start to take on an almost voyeuristic quality, but she digs deep and uses these letters as jumping off points to develop her ideas and solutions to many problems with some really worthwhile conclusions and helpful tools to tackle various issues.

“Sometimes people try to avoid mistakes by not making a decision, but not making a decision is still a choice that has consequences.”

“The proliferation of material things has become a measure of progress; wealth occupies a higher position than wisdom; and notoriety is more admired than dignity. Our politicians, our institutions and our culture are seeped in narcissism-we have a culture that overvalues image at the expense of truth.”

“If you have one foot in the past and one in the future, you’re pissing on the present.”

“When we don’t feel safe in the world, we need enemies. Then we find them to try and feel in control again. That emotional charge within us seems to need people we can consider wrong, to make us feel right.”

You always feel like you’re going to learn something with Perry, she’s the kind of writer who sometimes makes you think, wait a minute did I already know that?...but then phrases it in a more eloquent and easier to understand way. Always accessible and always more than worthwhile, and anyone who hasn’t yet come across her or her work before, then I would highly recommend it to you, she remains consistently good value.

[Damiana Wayne · Rating 3 out of 5]

3,5⭐️/5
Мені завжди складно оцінювати не художню літературу, але щось тай ставлю (л-логіка)

Сподобалась мова авторки, вона легка, цікава, але в той же час використовується все ж якась термінологія, яка або знана для усіх або яку легко загуглиш і зрозумієш поняття. На прикладі листів людей десь можна побачити власні проблеми чи навіть запитання, і те як психологиня на них відповідає. Це, як мінімум прикольно🌛 декілька інсайтів для себе узяла, але як завжди це не було щось вау, але як мінімум не інфоциганство

[Emma van den Akker · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 ⭐️ ik vond het een leuk concept van hoe ze aan de hand van ingestuurde brieven allerlei theorieën etc uitlegde en ook praktische tips gaf hoe jijzelf die theorieën kan toepassen. Voor mij was het niet super revolutionair, aangezien ik het meeste voorbij heb zien komen in mijn opleiding en haar lessen/ideeën niet echt nieuws voor mij waren, maar alsnog waren het fijne reminders om zo nu en dan te krijgen 🧚 ik heb er alsnog wel echt wat aan gehad!!

[Laine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Vērts atsvaidzinàt zināšanas un varbūt kàdu mazu kripatiņa jaunuma pieglabàt atmiņā. Viegla lasāmviela interesantam brīdim.

Izcils citāts: "Kad viena tava kāja ir pagàtnē, bet otra - nākotnè, tu apčurā tagadni!"

[Alicia Richards · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book was super insightful and i wrote down multiple things that she talks about that i want to start doing in my day to day life. she covers so many aspects of just being a human, i highly recommend to literally anyone

[Roxana · Rating 3 out of 5]

psychologické knihy miluju a některé věty bych si nalepila na zeď, ale že využívá dopisy reálných lidí s opravdovými problémy a “dá jim řešení” na třeba dvou stranách mě strašně mrzelo. jako celek přináší kniha dobré tipy, ale život a naše mysl je mnohém složitější. pokud nás něco trápí, i když se můžeme chtít změnit, rada “změnit perspektivu” je v některých případech prostě necitlivá.

[entela · Rating 4 out of 5]

very interesting read, provoked a lot of internal reflection

[Amanda Linusson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m a psychologist and I wish I wrote this book.