Cold Sweat

by Vera Valentine

Fleeing college pressure, Jules heads home to rest, recharge, and figure out a plan before fall break ends. Eager to spend time with her mother and stepfather, there's one presence she's less thrilled about Red.

The sentient, smirking pitcher of Cherry Chill-Assist Punch was a huge pain in the glass. He'd been getting under her skin for two years now, ever since their parents' wedding day. Red's taste in entertainment and weirdly suggestive commentary were driving her crazy, a destination she was capable of finding all on her own.

With big life decisions looming, his antics shake up Jules' already-fragile peace, steering her towards a leisurely evening in her mom's new sauna. It seems like the perfect remedy for stress...until Red invites himself along. Close, steamy confines have a way of outing secrets, and Red has a huge one he can't keep on ice any longer.

Will Jules be able to resist her thirst for the unknown, or will the truth about her stepbrother refresh her perspective entirely?


***
Cold Sweat is a PARODY MF sentient object romance novella between a human woman and a large, glass pitcher of Cherry Chill-Assist drink mix. No, that's not a metaphor. It's made of glass. Yes, I am referring to exactly what you think I am. Yes, this was written by the same woman who wrote the door one. And the balloons. And the boat.

At this point, you know what you're getting into, friends.

Full content considerations will be in the book, and readers are always welcome to reach out to the author directly with any questions or concerns. I appreciate your company and support on this wild, weird authoring journey!

Genres: Romance, Novella, Audiobook, Smut, Fantasy, Ebooks, Erotica

58 pages, Paperback

Published July 21, 2024

Reviews

[Kristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m still laughing, he called her his little cup 💀


This author has thought waaaay too much about what it would be like to bang the Kool-Aid Man.
Everything about this book was so so wrong, but also so so right.

How’d he have a knot though when he’s made of glass? 😱 😂
Why was the step brother kink the most normal part of this? 😱 😂
The squelching, the clinking, the sloshing? 😱 😂
His origin story? 😱 😂

But do I recommend this? Oooooooh Yeeeeaaaaah!







********************

Sometimes I worry about humanity…. But still, probably gonna read it.

[Youssra (semi ia) · Rating 4 out of 5]

He called her his thirsty little cup🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yes 4 stars I had fun😅
~~~~~~~
I should start a shelf called" Questionable Ovulation Reads"

[Nancy •͙͙✧⃝•͙͙✩ͯ {Comment restriction} · Rating 1 out of 5]

──⟡⋆˙✩ 1 star ✩⋆˙⟡──

A 45 pages novella about a girl and her step-brother who has the hots for her, who happens to be a ✦JUG✦.

Yes, you heard that right. What made me, a clearly not well-functioning adult with free will, decide to read this? My bookish besties and I were talking about sentient-object romance some time ago and Youssra some of them dared suggested I try this out. And so I made the very smart decision to read it.

What horrifies me however isn't the contents of the book. I mean I suppose those are horrifying but I knew very well what I was getting into right? So it's not like it was a surprise. But the author said in her notes, "Do not send me videos of you enacting the scenes from this book."

... eh? HA? HELLO?



⊹₊˚‧︵‿₊୨ᰔ୧₊‿︵‧˚₊⊹
        Pre-Read
⊹₊˚‧︵‿₊୨ᰔ୧₊‿︵‧˚₊⊹

... You did not see this. pls ignore and let me make terrible life choices like this.

[mica · Rating 1 out of 5]

lo más surreal de este libro no es que él sea una jarra de jugo si no que el chabon sea un otaku que ve hentai y que al final consiga una novia... realmente inconcebible

[ReneeReads · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ll see all you sickos in hell after reading this one!! 😈👹 It was surprisingly good for 54 pages of sentient kool aid step brother smut. And if you know me in real life, no you don’t. 🤦🏼‍♀️😂

[Saranya ⋆☕︎ ˖ · Rating 2 out of 5]

"I’m a man that happens to be a glass pitcher of liquid, not blind. You’re gorgeous."
😭🙏
He called her his thirsty little cup 😭😭

A "sugar-free" happy ending.

If you saw me reading this, no you didn't 😭😭🙏
(Rec by my fav Youssra)

😭🙏

[Arushi♡ [exam- ia] · Rating 3 out of 5]

Umm so yeah. It was entertaining and funny🤷‍♀️ bye.

“Step siblings, Jules, and barely that. It’s not like we grew up together. I’m a man that happens to be a glass pitcher of liquid, not blind. You’re gorgeous.”

"Gonna fill you up to the top…my good little cup… "

“...make me your good little cup, Red. I’m so thirsty.”

"You look damn good in my punch, little cup.”

“That’s right, Jules. Suck me down like the thirsty little cup you are.”

[enola]

is that mr. krabs from spongebob...?💀

[buket]

okay i’m doing it…after snowman and pillow and door, it’s time for Kool-Aid man 😈

@Kristina, this is for you 🫶🏼

[Peter Topside · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am in such a filthy, perverted mindset lately. It's bordering on offensive. Ask Mrs. Topside. She's getting tired of it, too. She threatened to divorce me last week after she saw my review for Corn Daddy. Wanna know why? She's got no sense of adventure or appreciation for abnormal, and potentially obscene, sexual content. She's what you call a normie. Not me, though. The weirder, the better. Marshmallows, Don Juan Velociraptors, and whatever else. I'm game. So here we have the equivalent of the Kool Aid guy, who even yells 'oh yeah,' slam banging his step sister. Good sex, a refreshing experience, and he packed a punch...like fruit punch...eh? Eh? But this pitcher of artificial flavoring and raw, sexual energy gave it his all, both hydrating and exhausting his step sibling in the most erotic of ways. Well-written sex and a comically fun experience, this is one worth reading for all the peculiar types like me.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kristina made me do it
---
This was the absolute goofiest and I loved it.

She's a human, he's a giant Kool-Aid pitcher, and they're step siblings--what more do you need to know?

20/10

[Dede Yocum · Rating 2 out of 5]

“Do you think God stays in heaven because he, too, lives in fear of what he has created?” - Spy Kids 2

[Benjamin Uke · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have only read a couple of contemporary romance novels, so when I started Cold Sweat, it was with some trepidation. However, I quickly found myself welcomed by the familiar use of a Bahamas vacation as a setting.

By the second or third chapter, when we get to know our protagonist, Jules; we find ourselves looking at a tale of mystery and romance. She’s a young student considering dropping out of college.

She's a human, he's a giant Kool-Aid pitcher, and they're step siblings--what more do you need to know?

Every slosh certainly quenched my thirst for comedy.

OH YEAH

3/5
Glass play is involved. Obviously.
Questionable logistics, but also reasonable explanations (never mentioned if he had a face).

On a more intimate note, I've always wanted to write a book, feeling I was never normal enough to try.
This may be the very novel that helps me achieve my dreams.

Also, I fear I may now have a bloodclot in my brain.

[brittany:) · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Jules, Jules, relax. I’m sugar free, you’re fine, I promise. It’s not blood, it’s just…me.”

The way I hollered!!! 😂🧃

Soooo uhhhh yeah… I just listened to this and… what did I even experience?? lol. Total chaos in the best way! 🍒😵‍💫

I read this solely for sh*ts and giggles, and honestly — it delivered!! 💯😂

I’ve read Vera Valentine’s door book (iykyk) and this was just as “Unhinged” — pun absolutely intended. 🚪🤭

No notes, wasn’t here for logic, just vibes. ✨💅

And HIM calling her a “thirsty little cup” had me absolutely sent — I was cackling the entire time! 🧃💀🍒

But for real… he was the most thoughtful Glass Pitcher you could ever meet. 🫗💖

If you want pure, juicy, chaotic entertainment — this one’s got you covered! 🍒🧃

[Melany · Rating 3 out of 5]

Got talked into reading this one. It was too comical to take seriously lol though I enjoyed Unhinged better, this one was hysterical.

[Judy ♡ · Rating 3 out of 5]

PLZZZ WHAT WAS THIS 😭😭😭

[BookishKB · Rating 3 out of 5]

Currently in a bit of a reading slump, and one of my book besties reminded me to just read for fun, so I grabbed this audiobook on a whim from Hoopla. 🤣
Was it unhinged? Yes.
Did I have a good time anyway? Also yes. 🤷🏽‍♀️
Surprisingly entertaining and exactly what I needed to shake things up!

[Kimbot the Destroyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have been waiting for this one and it did not disappoint. Hilarious and sweet. I love an actual story with my bizarre smut. I also enjoy that the MMC is a nice person and has romantic partner potential. That must be so hard to do in 50 pages.

[Catheryn]

Convinced my husband to do a buddy read with me...this might have broke his faith in romance books.

This was so silly and over the top, but also so fun. It does not take itself seriously.

[Morgan Conner · Rating 1 out of 5]

Is it exactly what it says it is?

OH YEAH.

[Megs 📚 · Rating 1 out of 5]

my therapist will hear about this

[Rachael · Rating 4 out of 5]

The male narrator sounds hot therefore the Kool-Aid Man sounds hot and it’s fuckin with me.

[scthoughts · Rating 4 out of 5]

Might be comedy of the year 😂 I fell out at every slosh and quench.

[Addled Rabbit · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was exactly what it looks like from the cover. Exactly what the blurb says it was. Exactly what the author then warned it was.

But was I expecting the words that formed those sentences to come in front of my eyeballs? No, not at all.

This was magical. This was hot. This was strangely sweet and touching there, especially at the end.

And that is where my shock comes in. Was I shocked at the Kool-aid man porn? No.

But the Kool-aid man love story? I mean my god.

This short little story was hot, gave me a cavity, and made me believe in real stepsister-on-stepbrother/sentientpitcherofjuice love.

[Katie · Rating 1 out of 5]

emily maybe we shouldn’t get each other christmas presents anymore

[Kirsten | Bookish.kir · Rating 4 out of 5]

Curiosity wins again and honestly I’m not even mad.
My only expectation going in was that someone had better say “OH YEAH” atleast once🤣

[Jas · Rating 1 out of 5]

I will be taking no questions about why I read this.

[Averie]

i have no words 🤣

[Steph's_Creepy _Reads · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't know what to say here.

[Nicoline]

One man, one jar? Nah. More like one woman, one hunky glass pitcher 😛
Sorry… I’ll see myself out…