Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop

by Reginald Bakeley, Clint Marsh (foreword)

Banish pesky goblins and reclaim your home and garden with this whimsical guide to fairy defense.
 
Is your hen cottage plagued by foul goblins? Help is on the way! In the tradition of Lemony Snicket and Roald Dahl, Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop shows how to banish those pesky dark fairy creatures who are ready to thwart every last pleasure, be it gardening, country hikes, or even getting a good night’s sleep.
 
In this charming guide, “fairy hunter” Reginald Bakeley offers practical instructions to clear your home and garden of these unsettling inhabitants and banish them from your chicken coop and kitchen cupboard forever!
 
In Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop, readers will Why a bustle in one’s hedgerow may be cause for alarm Why a garden fumigator may come in handy during evenings at the pub Why a toy merchant, a butcher, and a Freemason are among your best allies in the fight against the malicious fairies Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop is the only complete manual on how to identify, track, defend, and destroy those bothersome brownies, goblins, dwarves, scheming flower fairies, and other nasty members of the fairy realm. Get the upper hand before they get your hen!
 
This book was previously published in paperback.
 
“A must-have for everyone with a garden, dog house, window boxes, or even rustic decor.” —Anna Jedrziewski, Retailing Insight

Genres: Humor, Fantasy, Fiction, Folklore, Science Fiction Fantasy

208 pages, Hardcover

First published October 1, 2012

Reviews

[Paige Vanderbeck · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of all the books I’ve reviewed and recommended, this one might be most important to your magickal practice!

We will no longer fall victim to the trickery, theft, and downright monstrous actions of the fairy kingdom! This book will teach you to arm yourself, how to spot fairies, how to use them for profit, and even how to cook and serve them at a chic dinner party. Quite frankly, you can’t afford NOT to read this book!

Whether or not you actually have a chicken coop is irrelevant, for by the end of the book you’ll be a british MacGyver of fairy hunting, capture, and execution.

As far as your magickal practice goes, this book will enrich your magickal and spiritual life a very important way.

First, just by reading this book you will be taking part in a powerful space and energy cleaning ritual. Energy clearing isn’t all smoke and crystals, it can also be done with sound. The uproarious belly laughs that will escape your contorted, tear-stained face will clear negativity from your home and your surrounding property! Be warned: enjoying this guide out of doors, within ear shot of your neighbours, may lead to you being referred to as the ‘Demented Demon of Dougall Street’ on your next trip to the market. This may not be something to read on the veranda with a lemonade.

Not only does laughter clear energy, but fun is absolutely VITAL to witchcraft. If you’re not having fun with magick, why do it?

Furthermore, as witches it is often our duty to protect those who cannot speak for themselves. Think of all the chickens who’s lives you will save by arming yourself, and your chickens, with the tools and information necessary to take back the countryside from these beasts! Really! Just think about it! I’ll bet you’ll be a hero! There’ll be a parade! Think of all of the chickens you may get to pet and hug and socialize with! I mean, my god, what are you waiting for!?

[Leslie Langtry · Rating 5 out of 5]

As reviewed at bookendbabes.com:


Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop – Reviewed by Leslie Langtry

Posted on April 4, 2013 by Leslie Langtry




As it is Spring, and in Spring, one’s thoughts turn to venturing outside for quiet little walks in nature, I think it’s only fitting to review Reginald Blakeley’s tome, Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop: And Other Practical Advice in Our Campaign Against the Fairy Kingdom.

Yes! Contrary to popular belief of fairies as sweet, thoughtful and somewhat glowing…Mr. Blakeley is here to warn us that the Fey folk are in fact very dangerous and oftentimes delicious.

Here is a sample of Mr. Blakeley’s sage wisdom as to why you want to get rid of these henhouse hellions – the goblin curse of a changeling egg;

“The Ungerslud Family of Shropshire was the unlucky recipient of a goblin curse via changeling eggs, for the morning after they were eaten, the lot of them woke up with their legs on backwards, as they remain today. Young Ettie Ungerslud went on to become a source of local pride by clinching the National Backwards Hopscotch Championship later that year, but surely you can imagine that life is not all fun and games under such a curse.”

Not only does Blakeley give instructions on how to rid one’s poultry housing of such beasts, he explains how to rid yourself of pesky household brownies (not the kind you eat), dwarfspotting, how to find and keep tiny fairy cattle, and the proper way to cook and eat leprachauns.

Without this book, I have no doubt that my life (suspiciously free of fairy torment for 46 years) would have eventually been in some sort of peril eventually from the spell of a bi-polar seelie or a iritable flower fairy with allergy issues.

The fact that this book just won the Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year is an additional bonus!

How fortunate that I encountered this lovely book just in time! I suggest you read it, before it is too late for you too!

Leslie Langtry

[Willow · Rating 3 out of 5]

I laughed the entire way through Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop: And Other Practical Advice in Our Campaign Against the Fairy Kingdom by Reginald Bakeley. Bakeley, without a doubt, loathes fairies and does nothing to hide this fact in his writing. While I disagree with Bakeley in some key areas, his reasoning, expertise, and methods are sound. If you wish to rid yourself of fae and protect yourself against the good folk, Bakeley has you covered.

Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop is divided into two parts: noticing fairy activity and preparing for a fairy assault. Bakeley leaves no stone unturned, covering everything from ridding your home of brownies to protecting your chickens from goblins to cooking gnomes. Yes, you read that right...cooking gnomes which are apparently "lean, flavourful, and dense" but "prone to dryness." I can't help but laugh at how serious yet often unserious this guide feels. When explaining that a letter praising your home's brownie must be written, Bakeley says, "In my experience it is easier to write such a letter whilst biting into an old belt, although this can get in the way of the oft-consulted whisky tumbler." Woe is me who has to write a kind letter to a dreaded fae! Despite his apparent hatred, he does find some faeries useful, such as fae livestock and flower fae. He doesn't necessarily love them, but he does see the value in using them to his advantage.

Bakeley's disdain practically drips off the page, and while he may hate most of them, I do not. In my experience, the fae have been more helpful than harmful. In fact, gnomes are highly regarded in my family, and the thought of eating them is extremely disrespectful. This may be attributed to cultural differences, but I would never think to disrespect the nature spirits I have worked so hard to develop a relationship with. I do agree that not all fae have our best interests in mind, and they can be tricky, but I don't believe they are deliberately malicious; they simply have a different view of the world than we do, one made abundantly clear in folklore from around the world. Needless to say, I don't have to agree with Bakeley's approach, but I do see the value in what he has to say, as sometimes you need to get rid of an unwanted guest, and he certainly knows how.

Because of Bakeley's tone and shrewd writing style, the book is extremely short and easy to get through. I was able to read it entirely in an afternoon while waiting on NPCs to spawn in World of Warcraft. It's chock full of humor, folklore, and practical applications and is sure to inspire even the most stalwart of fairy lovers to think twice about their inclinations. I highly recommend picking up a copy of Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop by Reginald Bakeley just for the fun of it and encourage you to read it outside on a bright, clear afternoon. Who knows what may be rustling in the hedgerows around your home?

[Beth Cato · Rating 3 out of 5]

This very droll humor book describes how to contain or take advantage of the fairy menace within one's home, garden, or countryside ambles. It's told through the persona of Reginald Bakeley, a very proper British gentleman who enjoys a properly cooked leg of leprechaun and milk straight from the teat of a fae cow. He breaks it down into techniques, worst case scenarios, and sprinkles throughout stories of his own encounters--and through those, you get a greater sense of the "author." It's amusing, albeit quite dark. The ending even includes addresses for shops in Britain where one can find appropriate supplies, just as you'd find in a real handbook of this sort.

As a writer, I can see this book as an inspiration in my own writing about fairy kind. I also know I want to lend this book to my mom, because I'm sure she'll get a kick out of it.

[Erica Kwiatkowski · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you find me in the countryside drunk on absinthe and covered in an elderberry slurry, rest assured I'm hunting faeries

[Tyler Howe · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dumb, put it down so often just turn it back into the library.

[Diana Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do you have problems with house brownies or boggarts? With flower fairies mucking up your gardens? Or perhaps with dwarfs pretending to be stones and preventing you from farrowing your fields? Maybe you have some nasty goblins taking advantage of the chickens in your coop?

Well take a deep breath because “Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop: And Other Practical Advice In Our Campaign Against The Fairy Kingdom” is here!

Mr. Reginald Bakeley, who has spend years devoting himself to the protection of his garden and lands, and to provide “public awareness and fairy population management”, now presents to the world a collection of his writings on how to best rid yourself of the pests of the Fairy Kingdom. Or, if at all possible, how to make use of these beings to enrich your garden or homestead.

I personally found this book to be a very delightful read , a perfect blending of a serious tone and wit and humor, and one that I highly recommend to all, although I will add that any parents reading this book to their children might want to consider substituting a more child appropriate beverage for the Absinthe in the “Absinthe and the Second Sight” section of the book.

And I do feel that I would be remiss if I did not mention that Mr. Bakeley is also asking that anyone who has photographic evidence of goblins mucking about with hen houses, or I would imagine any helpful, or less then helpful photos of the Fairy Kingdom for that matter, to contact him on a website he has set up for showcasing such evidence at goblinproofing dotcom

[Christine Whittington · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Goblinproofing One's Chicken Coop" is an essential guide for those who want to protect their chickens or are pestered by goblins, fairies, dwarves, pixies, and other members of the faerie kingdom. If you think you are not among the pestered, think again. Do you ever find your tea already made for you when you get up in the morning, or your handkerchiefs neatly pressed and folded in the drawer? There may be a brownie afoot! Do you ever see anything odd on your rambles in the countryside? Perhaps a bustle in your hedgerow? Even if not, it will not hurt to carry an iron nail in your pocket as a precaution. I certainly will from now on. My grandmother had fairies in her house and garden and I wish this book had been available then.

The unexpected dark edge of "Goblinproofing" is how tasty some of these creatures taste (especially gnomes) and how you might go about capturing, storing, and preparing them. The sequel should be a book of recipes.

Reginald Blakely, an experienced fairy-hunter, explains it all for you. He also includes a list of hard-to-find resources, including stationery stockists (for writing letters to your resident Brownie), brownie abatement, trolling outfitters, and the ordnance survey, which will surely assist you on your rambles.

[Michael · Rating 5 out of 5]

An enjoyable, entertaining, and incredibly informative examination of how to protect ones home, livestock, and oneself from various “fantastic” creatures. Reginald Bakeley introduces the reader to the world of the fae, dwarves, gnomes, trolls, and all manner of creatures. More importantly, he teaches the reader their weaknesses and how to defeat them. These lessons are supplemented with tales from the author’s first hand experiences with these creatures.

Fair warning should be given to American readers, Bakeley is a true British wanderer. He is a firm defender of ones right to walk in the woods and protect ones patch of land. He also comes from the tradition of fox hunts and falconry and is not above eating the creatures discussed in the book.

All in all, this is an important guidebook for those who live on the outskirts of suburbia where they can fall prey to evil machinations of the fairy folk and their ilk.

[Horus · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is intended to be a light hearted conceit of a “fairy” hunter’s advice. Certainly, the “author” demonstrates, quite clearly, as the essays progress, that he may not be quite sane himself, and so some of his attitudes should be laughable. I couldn’t help but think, while reading this, how Sir Terry Pratchett would have handled this subject. I could see the same book being “written” by one of his Discworld characters in a light hearted and crazy way that would be delightful and funny. Unfortunately, despite the fiction of the subject, and possibly due to the times in which we now live, I found that I took the book, and especially the first essay, in a way almost in opposition to what was likely intended. I only became somewhat bemused most of the way through the book, when a particular essay on love illustrated the “author’s” cluelessness. So, read at own risk.

[Travis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Entertaining and often clever or witty, but I think I like the concept of this book more than the execution of it. In particular, I dislike how it didn't seem to quite know what sort of writing it wanted to be. Most of the book is a humorous fictional non-fiction treatment with a distinctive voice. But there are sections where it shifts more into narrative by the same voice, which is further problematized by a tendency to flirt with the idea of the author as an unreliable narrator, though that is undercut every time it is suggested. I just wish the book knew what it was trying to do, and did that clearly.

[Kirsten · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a super amusing little book. The section on brownies is especially funny, as is the whole concept of hunting gnomes. The author draws on actual faerie lore throughout, making this a particularly diverting read if you're already a bit familiar with the topic.

[Cristina · Rating 3 out of 5]

Judge this book by its cover. It is a 100% sincere practical guide to goblin-proofing your chicken coop, and other strategies to secure yourself and your estate against the meddlesome incursions of faeries, leprechauns, and other fantastical creatures.

[Wetdryvac · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really expected to like this a lot more than I did. Just couldn't jive with the writing style, unfortunately, but the idea is nifty, and I expect a lot of people will got on OK with the style.

*shrugs*

Recommended in concept, and very worth checking out to see if the style's your thing.

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

Having read it, I found I really, really did like it a lot.

[Chris Stanley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Funny, silly although not every chapter came off as well as others

[Kathryn · Rating 4 out of 5]

A delightfully odd and very cheeky little book.

[Jean · Rating 2 out of 5]

It had a lot of potential but turned out to be cocky ramblings. Some of it didn't make a lot sense and things like gnome and leprechaun recipes were a bit disturbing.

[Lera · Rating 4 out of 5]

Does as it says on the tin. The author is very firm on Faerie matters. And clearly not a vegetarian.

[Stephen Simpson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Starts off cute and amusing, but grows tiresome very quickly.

[Carol Palmer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Cute little tongue-in-cheek advice book on "how to deal with members of the fairy family".

[David Brawley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Cute, glad it wasn't longer than it was. Could have done with a bit more folklore.

[Steph · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent exercise in voice, though Reginald is a bit of a pompous idiot. Definitely best read once you’ve read some other fairy folklore first, as it references but doesn’t really explain them.

[Erin Bookishness · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was the best bit of satire that I've read in a while. Totally hilarious. Had to resist the urge to read large chunks of it out loud to my husband.