Összhangban: A tartós szexuális kapcsolatok pszichológiája

by Emily Nagoski, Miklós Gábor Kövesdi (Translator)

Egy ​könyv mindazoknak, akik észbontó szexuális életre vágynak a tartós kapcsolataikban.

Milyen a tökéletes szex? Milyen gyakran bújnak össze az igazán boldog párok? Hogyan lehet minél hatékonyabban elérni az orgazmust? Sokan tűnődünk hasonló kérdéseken, és keressük a megoldást, hogyan tehetnénk jobbá a szexuális életünket a hosszú távú kapcsolatainkban. A nemzetközi hírű szexedukációs szakember, Emily Nagoski azonban azt vallja, ha a teljesítményre és a gyakoriságra helyezzük a hangsúlyt, rossz nyomon járunk.

Az Úgy, ahogy vagy szerzőjének meggyőződése, hogy a jó szexnek semmi köze ahhoz, hányszor szexelünk vagy milyen trükköket vetünk be közben. A jó szex titka egyszerűen az, hogy az örömöt helyezzük a szexuális életünk középpontjába. Az Összhangban éppen ezért segít megismernünk az öröm természetét, megtanítja, hogyan kommunikáljuk az érzéseinket és a vágyainkat, és megosztja velünk a titkot, hogyan hozhatjuk önmagunkat és a partnerünket erotikus hangulatba. Ha pedig elsajátítottuk mindezeket a készségeket, a könyv arra vonatkozóan is tanácsot ad, hogyan számoljunk le a testünkkel, a szexualitásunkkal és a kapcsolatunkkal kapcsolatos mérgező tévhitekkel.
Fedezd fel az őrületes szex titkát, és tedd jobbá az életedet, a kapcsolatodat és a világot!

"Az Összhangban legfőbb – egyben nagyon fontos és felszabadító – üzenete az, hogy minden szexuális kapcsolat teljesen »normális

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Sexuality, Psychology, Audiobook, Health

404 pages, Paperback

First published January 30, 2024

About the author

The official bio is:
"Emily Nagoski has a PhD in Health Behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality from Indiana University (IU), and a master’s degree (also from IU) in Counseling, with a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute Sexual Health Clinic. She has taught graduate and undergraduate classes in human sexuality, relationships and communication, stress management, and sex education."

What all that means, really, is that I am here to teach women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. It's a small goal in the grand scheme of things - I'm not trying to bring peace to the Middle East or repair the ozone layer - but it's a goal that I think truly does have the power to change lives and, ultimately, the world.

You can find me online:

Twitter @enagoski

Facebook Emily Nagoski

Medium @emilynagoski

Blog

Reviews

[ancientreader · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I look at my early highlights, I'm reminded of why I thought this book was heading for 4+ stars: solid, practical insights in abundance, many of which were the best kind of insight, the kind that make you smack yourself in the forehead because they're blindingly obvious once they're pointed out, or because you knew whatever-it-was all along but keep managing to forget it.

Here, have a few:
- cuddling after sex is the best predictor of sexual satisfaction
- if your partner's not interested in sex, maybe take some of the housework (or whatever) off their plate so they're less tired and stressed
- 'The idea of a “skilled” lover is a myth; unless you’re trying technically demanding BDSM practice like breath play, the only “skill” you need is the ability to pay attention to your partner and to your own internal experience at the same time.' <-- This one might be my personal favorite, though there's plenty of technically demanding BDSM besides breathplay, like please practice your aim if you want to do any significant impact play, okay?
- Don't assume! That's my summation of a number of Nagoski's points: don't assume your partner wants or needs to come; don't assume that "anal play" necessarily entails (see what I did there?) penetration; don't assume that sex has to take any particular form to be enjoyable.

I have quibbles with some of these nuggets, like the one about urgency being the enemy of pleasure. Hasty sex can be smoking hot, come on. To be fair, though, one of Nagoski's throughlines is the difference between spontaneous desire ("I'm so horny!") and responsive desire ("Oh, hey, this is getting good to me, let's keep going!"), and as a rule, when you've been together for a while and/or when the life responsibilities are piling up, the kind of urgency that turns sex into another chore is a real boner-killer.

Nagoski spends most of Come Together on the subject of what emotional and mental states encourage or impede sexual pleasure and openness to sexual pleasure. The underlying advice here is (as I keep saying) useful: identify the emotional states that hit the brakes on sexual feeling, and find ways to move from those states to ones that enable you to hit the accelerator. (Don't blame me, that's Nagoski's metaphor.) I was less enamored of her framing -- the requirement to make a sort of house plan of your psyche in which each state is assigned a room and doorways are located in keeping with which state leads to which others. But what seems like a boring project to me, other people might find enlightening, who knows?

Especially toward the book's end, but occasionally throughout, Nagoski descends into platitude and woo. I rolled my eyes hard at this, for example:

In her book, You Belong, mindfulness teacher Sebene Selassie noticed that “reactive” and “creative” are the same word with the C moved. “What does the C stand for?” a friend asked her. Curiosity, was her answer.

This is one step up from "noticing" that two people's names are anagrams of each other and deciding that this means they're mortal enemies or whatever. Curiosity is doubtless a good attitude with which to approach self-examination whether or not in a sexual context, but why does that point have to be couched in coincidental nonsense?

This sort of thing -- of which, as I said, there's more and more as the book progresses -- had me all ready to assign 3 stars. But in getting ready to write this review and looking over my highlights, I remembered how much of value Nagoski offers. So: if the anagrams and emotional house plans work for you, great. But if not, I'd say try not to let any annoyance or impatience with them get in the way of the good stuff, of which there's plenty. "Judgment is the real thief of joy," Nagoski remarks. She's not wrong.

Thanks to Ballantine and NetGalley for the ARC.

[Mediaman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not a very helpful "woke" approach to figuring out what turns people on sexually. There is a huge lack of solid research or fact-based science; instead, the author tries to please all the modernists that are confused by basic science-based biology and how the majority of people operate.

There are a couple of good points in it, particularly a very short section on mapping your brain into a "floor plan" where you figure out what doors lead to ultimate pleasure. The whole book should have expanded on that; instead, we don't get enough information to figure out our own map and instead get a bunch of lame examples that are amazingly stereotypical for a female author who claims to not want to stereotype.

Another great (but very small) point is what "is the key to great sex over the long term...it's not orgasms, sex positions, variety of sexual behaviors or anything else. Honestly? If there's a 'sexual 'behavior" that predicts sex and relationship satisfaction, it's cuddling." Wow.

The deeper she gets into trying to please the LGBTQ+ community the bigger the mess this becomes. White heterosexual men are slammed to the point of almost being seen as buffoons while women are usually painted as always mistreated by social norms, with of course the exception of lesbians, who the author seems to think have conquered creating sexual connections.

A lot of it is contradictory or makes no sense in context, and the few pieces of research she quotes either don't support her conclusions or are based on people self-reporting their sexual pleasure, which of course is subjective and can't be trusted to draw conclusions.

It's sad that books based on supposed "science" have come to this, where people deny basic biological facts of birth and gender, rejecting objective morality in order to set up individualized random frameworks for self-pleasure while ignoring the concept of coming together to be more interested in helping each other feel good.

[Rachel (TheShadesofOrange) · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.0 Stars
I actually liked this book more Come As You Are because it focuses on aligning the needs between both individuals rather than just talking about the female experience. I just found this one more practically useful while the first book really started with the basics.

[Leah Hortin · Rating 3 out of 5]

After having read both Come As You Are and Burnout, this felt somewhat repetitive and what was left was mostly common sense things - helpful to hear and reaffirm but not exactly life changing like her previous books.

[Claire · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read Emily’s first book, Come as You Are, and was excited to read the follow up.

There is a lot of great information in this book that feels approachable and universal. I even surprised myself by trying the emotional floor plan exercise and finding value in it, although I initially was skeptical.

I did struggle with the level of repetition and simplicity. I also found it difficult to relate to many of the vignettes throughout the book. They felt flat to me, maybe because they are composites, but they didn’t feel genuine to me.

As the book went on, I found myself bothered by the negativity. Not the authors tone, but the repeated reminders of all the things that can go wrong, and do go wrong in relationships, and how hard they can be to fix. These were always accompanied by an optimistic solution, but I found myself wishing there were more anecdotes about things that go well in long-term relationships and the joy that having a partner can bring.

Rounding down to 3 stars because this was not the book for me right now, but recognizing that there are things to remember and revisit if and when it is.

Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.

[Kilee Knight · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes, I’ve been on a sex-ed brigade lately, but for good reason. I really want to be as informed as I can possibly be about reproductive health, and with that comes an added layer of wanting to learn about how to maintain sexual connection in long-term relationships. There’s going to be a huge aspect of continuity in my care of future patients, and I don’t want to be a doctor that just always pushes meds whenever I could be more understanding of the psychological aspect of whatever sexual or intimate issues they may be facing.

I think this was a wonderful book that gave a lot of great explanation to how to solve a myriad of issues, particularly those of intimacy, within a relationship. Nagoski always does an exceptional job of acknowledging LGBTQIA+ people, which I especially think is an area that does not get enough attention and is often superseded by heterosexual relationships. I’m thankful to be able to hear a perspective so inclusive of people of all backgrounds. I highly recommend this read!

[Ciara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall it was a 3, leaning towards a 2.5. Some sections had interesting/good tips and lines (mainly Nagowski’s discussion of sex positivity, desire & what she coins the “emotional floor plan” & “sex imperatives”) but these sections could’ve afforded to be written better. The book was badly paced and didn’t have enough nuance or clarity. A strong first chapter but after that lots of parts were repetitive, slow going or were filler and could’ve been cut. Overall I didn’t enjoy her writing style or humour. Some of the dialogue options of how to communicate seem odd and stilted, which maybe is the nature of one size fits all dialogue suggestions.

It was great how inclusive her book was.
However her section on trauma and fantasy was short, and not a good overview of how trauma affects sex. It could’ve been longer and more nuanced and compassionate. Or if outside the scope of the book, she could’ve footnoted additional resources for survivors, aside from just encouraging therapy.

I found her chapter “heterosexual-type relationships” unnuanced and unproductive. Nagoski describes how men are indoctrinated as “Winners” & are taught to be “strong, stoic, ambitious, independent and infallible.” And that the only emotions they are allowed to feel and express are “anger, winning and horny.” She argues that “the only way a boy is allowed to experience love and intimacy with a romantic partner is through sex.” While these are definitely gender norms taught to boys, it’s described in a general, unnuanced way. For instance, men are also culturally expected to experience love and intimacy with a romantic partner outside of sex? We see it in pop culture all the time.

Later, she writes a section on tips for men in heterosexual relationships which is unnuanced, condescending and not conducive to fighting sexism. She mentions that anecodatally most straight people she’s talked to have said their male partner “feels entitled to … sex/care/service/convenience.” And it is only when women stand their ground that men stop being entitled and being a Winner. She assumes men in long term relationships don’t aim to meet their partners needs and don’t listen to them. By doing this, she makes the mistake of forgetting that men in long term relationships are actually expected, taught, and often want to present intimacy and care outside of sex. Even if there’s still ways some men can improve in how they show care, it is not nuanced to make a blanket statement that most men never put effort into loving their female partner. Nagoski gives the condescending advice “enjoy her pleasure as much as you enjoy your own”. I think most straight men enjoy their partners pleasure and the pleasure gap does not stem from a lack of care but poor communication. I think if you want to describe sexist behaviour in men, it needs to be nuanced and clear. I fear she loses her audience by not giving credit to most straight men in the throws of gender norms. I don’t want men being like “but I do care and show intimacy in x ways so I’m going to disregard the advice in this section.”

[Krysta · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️ 4 - star lost because the author read her own audiobook and the millennial cringe was simply too much. I think overall reading her books are better for this case. Overall I still recommend all of the author’s book, they are always well researched and laid out for easy understanding

[Esther · Rating 4 out of 5]

Turns out any time I decide I’m reading a book for work it makes me deeply resent it and take 5x as long so lesson learned but once I got over that I found this very utilitarian and will be rec’n

[Aubrey Bass · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this book was an amazing guide for couples who are wanting to be more insync with their intimacy. The information was fascinating and so enlightening with how our brains work, particularly the rooms and levels analogy. The science and writing style is intelligently written, but it isn't too bogged down with research and facts. This is a very user-friendly book for someone with a learning mindset. Good luck to you if you start this book without change in mind, or if you don't have an open mind. While there were some things that didn't apply to me, I didn't agree with, didn't appeal to me, or float my boat, those things were easy to skim over or read for a different perspective. Overall, this was a fantastic book to help couples be stronger, kinder, and more harmonious as partners.

[Kasia, co z tymi książkami?]

TAK POPROSZĘ

[Priscilla BookaddictNL · Rating 5 out of 5]

‘Come together‘ is als boek de opvolger van ‘Kom als jezelf‘, maar kan prima losstaand worden gelezen.

Waar ‘Kom als jezelf‘ vooral gericht is op de vrouw, is ‘Come together’ volledig gericht op de (seksuele) relatie/verbinding met je partner.

Emily Nagoski geeft het al weg met haar ondertitel. Dit boek is om stellen meer te vertellen over de wetenschap en de kunst achter het creëren van een blijvende seksuele verbinding.

En nu kun je denken: ‘Dat heb ik niet nodig’. Maar in dit boek wordt direct aan het begin duidelijk waarom je het boek wèl zou moeten lezen.

Niet alleen is het gericht op body positivity, ook komen er ontzettend veel voorbeelden uit de praktijk aan bod waarin iedereen, echt eerlijk waar, zichzelf kan herkennen.

En Emily zou Emily niet zijn als ze dat niet met een fijne chronologische volgorde zou doen. En met humor!

Want Emily Nagoski schrijft, ondanks de serieuze thema’s, met een hoop humor.

Hierdoor is de stof in dit boek niet taai of langdradig, en onthoud je ook nog eens veel gemakkelijker wat je hebt gelezen!


Het boek
‘Come together‘ begint met een fijne inleiding waarin Emily zichzelf nog eens voorstelt en waarin ze beschrijft waarom dit tweede boek er is gekomen.

Ook is ze heel erg open over haar eigen relatie met haar partner. Dit maakt dat ook dit boek meteen weer eerlijk en oprecht aanvoelt.

Verder bestaat het uit twee delen en een conclusie.

Het eerste deel is gericht op het thema ‘genot‘. Iets dat mensen nog steeds zeer moeilijk vinden om te bespreken, maar ook om te begrijpen wat het daadwerkelijk inhoudt.

Hier brengt Emily absoluut verandering in.

Ze haalt hierbij ook wat theorie aan uit het boek ‘Kom als jezelf’.

Geen probleem als je dit boek nog niet hebt gelezen, want Emily legt het kort en simpel uit. Deze basis wordt ook in dit boek steeds weer herhaalt.

Het thema ‘genot‘ gaat niet alleen over de seksuele relatie met je partner. Het gaat op de eerste plaats over jezelf, je eigen lichaam, je ervaringen.

Daarna gaat Emily dieper in op de manieren waarop we geven en nemen en welke zaken van buitenaf van invloed kunnen zijn.

In deel twee van dit boek bespreekt Emily met ons de veranderingen die binnen alle relaties kunnen plaatsvinden.

Het leven vraagt immers veel van ons en het is volkomen normaal dat dit ook onze emotionele en lichamelijke verbinding met elkaar beïnvloed.

Naast logische uitleg die de lezer bewust maakt van het feit dat alles volkomen normaal is, geeft ze ons handvatten en oefeningen middels voorbeelden uit de praktijk.

Haar doel hiermee is dat wat we leren, ook daadwerkelijk kunnen toepassen in ons eigen leven en binnen onze eigen relatie met onze partner.

En dit doet ze op een ontzettend fijne manier.

Zeker wanneer je, net als ik, snel onzeker bent over van alles, zul je herkenning vinden in dat wat Emily vertelt.

Soms voelt het echt alsof ze het over jou persoonlijk heeft. En dat maakt dat dit boek zo toegankelijk is voor iedereen.

Het boek sluit af met een conclusie welke absoluut een zeer prettige samenvatting geeft van de belangrijkste kernpunten.

(Mocht je het boek tegen komen in de winkel, blader eens naar die conclusie en als je jezelf meteen herkent, neem het boek dan meteen mee!)

Natuurlijk vinden we ook in dit boek een appendix met wat extra info en een fijne lijst aan bronnen voor als je nog meer wilt ontdekken en lezen.


Conclusie
Dat taboes rondom seksualiteit absoluut verbroken dienen te worden, wisten we al wel. En ik lever hier graag een bijdrage aan door het boek van Emily te bespreken.

Emily Nagoski levert met haar beide boeken een zeer grote bijdrage aan het doorbreken en het bespreekbaar maken van taboes rondom seksualiteit.

Geen zin in seks omdat het dagelijks leven veel van je vraagt? Volkomen normaal!

Trap jij je rempedaal in als de context niet juist is en je daardoor niet in de stemming bent? Volkomen normaal!

Ze normaliseert seksualiteit en de daarbij komende gedachten, gevoelens en gedragingen en legt in heldere bewoording uit hoe het menselijk lichaam en brein werkt.

En natuurlijk wat we kunnen doen om onze seksualiteit te omarmen en eventueel voor onszelf te verbeteren waar nodig.

Met praktijkvoorbeelden en hier en daar de nodige humor, is het gemakkelijk de informatie tot je te nemen.

En vanuit eigen ervaring kan ik je beloven dat je veel herkenning zult vinden in dat wat Emily schrijft.

Wat ik zelf ook enorm belangrijk vind, is dat Emily het in haar beide boeken niet alleen heeft over de relatie tussen een man en een vrouw.

Ze heeft bewust gekozen voor het woord ‘partner’.

Daarnaast komt in beide boeken ook onder andere aseksualiteit aan bod, waardoor ze ook daaromtrent taboes doorbreekt.

Ongetwijfeld zullen veel mensen zich afvragen waarom ze dit boek zouden moeten lezen. ‘Want mijn seksleven is prima.’

Dit boek bevat echter zoveel meer dan alleen informatie over hoe je je seksleven zou kunnen verbeteren.

Het gaat om de connectie met jezelf, je eigen lijf en de connectie met je partner.

Het is het normaliseren van mogelijke problemen dat mij zo enorm aanspreekt in haar boeken. Want we hebben allemaal vragen en onzekerheden.

Emily laat zien dat wanneer we deze bespreekbaar maken, we er achter komen dat veel anderen tegen precies dezelfde zaken aanlopen. En persoonlijk vind ik dat het meest fijne gevoel dat er bestaat!

‘Come together’ is net als ‘Kom als jezelf‘ een aanrader als je het mij vraagt. Een boek dat je gewoon moet lezen.

Het bevat waardevolle informatie en geeft zeer verhelderende inzichten.

Ren gewoon naar de (online) boekhandel!

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

J’aime tant Emily Nagoski ! J’ai trouvé celui-là tout autant, si pas plus, pertinent que Come As You Are.

[Mallory · Rating 5 out of 5]

*4.5
I love Nagoski and will read everything she writes 💕

[Daniel · Rating 4 out of 5]

good read for me homies wiht small Schwans. 4/5.

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In all seriousness this is a pretty good book for folks in a long relationship (whatevs that means); and in general for re-thinking and rejecting rigid gender roles and what society imprints on all of us. It's a short read and def. recommended to check out!!

[Carly Medwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

she has done it again folks… this may be her best work? this is as close as you can get to therapy in a book. at first look it’s a book for long term relationships, but the secret is you can’t be a good partner until you’re good to yourself. she gives tangible and thoughtful tips to create a safe context for your body and mind, and teaches against the gender constructs we’ve all been taught about how to be and fuck and love (spoiler: they are incompatible with a great partnership) in such a loving and kind way where the ultimate goal is to treat everyone and yourself with loving, kind, warm curiosity. to sum it all up if miss dr nagoski started a cult i would easily follow her to the end

[Wynne Hendry · Rating 2 out of 5]

This took me a while to get through and definitely lost me. I really loved the first chapters about how our brains are wired + the mental floor plan of emotions etc but the rest of the book felt a bit redundant and just not what I was fully expecting!

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Guess who won a copy from Goodreads?

[Johanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was really insightful and good to read for me. It felt validating to have such a broad range of sexualities (identity wise but also sexuality as in the way people (don’t) have & experience sex) represented.
I see how things like the emotional floorplan may not be for everyone but I also think no self-help-esque book will ever contain 100% useful information for anyone who picks it up. You get to choose what you implement. You have that power.
Come as you are was already a brave endeavor of a book for me because I have SO MUCH SHAME around sex and talking about sex and thinking about sex and probably most crucially: wanting and enjoying sex. This is enhanced in reading come as you are because it’s not just about me anymore.
I am sharing this here because I feel like people are sometimes surprised to hear this from a person who is and has been so vocal about their queerness for so long (and therefore must be free from all societal influence on her life?).
And I think what come together does well for me is to make sex normal. And of course it’s normal to have sex. But what I mean is more: sex is not some extra special experience that is disconnected from everything else and has clear definitions and margins.
So many different things are or are not sexual for different people.
I also loved come together because it acknowledges that cultural and interpersonal conversations around sex are often not actually about sex but about needs or wants or the fucking patriarchy etc.
Emily Nagoski also acknowledges how much work it is to redraw the map in our brains we learn about sex.
It is all hard work and it’s okay to be angry.
I will say that I don’t recommend skipping the chapter on heterosexual type relationships. She says it may not be useful for queer people/queer relationships but I think that’s a big miss. I gained a lot from the chapter.
One of the biggest aspects of cultural conversations, depictions and expectations around sex for me is the mandatory orgasm. Orgasms can be great. So can sex with no orgasm! They do not inherently hold different values.
I feel vulnerable in sharing these thoughts but I think that’s what working with my shame is about for me. Thanks for reading if you did.

[Erin Leventhal · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️ ⭐️⭐️
Dates read: 6/23/2024–7/16/2024

Hey! Guess what… people have bodies… all different kinds of bodies… and if we are lucky we get to live in these bodies at all different ages. And guess what else.. people like to do things with their bodies… alone, together, maybe even with lots of people.
If you are curious about those things— bodies, how they age, how they change, and how to meet yourself and your partner where they are—this book is for you. If you are close minded to those things, this book is also for you.

Emily Nagoski has such a personable way of relating information about pleasure, sex and relationships. I love a book that challenges my way of thinking, my baked in beliefs and the status quo. The imagery she provides, the personal accounts she shares and the hard science she provides make this book a great read! Only four stars because she lost me in the final two chapters with a little too much woo. But don’t skip this one because of that. Treat it like a buffet and take what you like and leave the rest to think about later!

[Anna · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a therapist and woman, I LOVED “Come As You Are” and thought this one surely wouldn’t live up to it. I was pleasantly surprised. I’d recommend this professionally to clients and to friends alike.

[Elisabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am pretty sure I requested an ARC of this book the *day* it came out and then I put off reading it for ages. I kept thinking, "I can't handle non-fiction right now with everything that is going on in the world." Of course, I failed to take into account that this is our most spectacular goddess Emily and she makes every single thing she writes feel like a conversation with your most fun and brilliant bestie. So when I finally took a deep breath and committed myself to reading the introduction, I of course proceeded to inhale the entire book and finish it in a day.

And then I made my husband read it.

And similar to Burnout and Come As You Are, which I scream from the rooftop, and my parenting groups, and my smut/romance facebook groups, and to basically anyone who will listen, EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ THIS BOOK. I don't care if you are single or coupled, Ace, Monogamous, Poly, Straight, Queer AF, Single, Whatever, you need this book.

You will learn about your own relationship to your sexuality as well a blueprint for describing the path to intimacy and arousal. You will find your desire (or lack of) and path to pleasure affirmed at every single point in the most inclusive, safe, and loving way and you will learn the difference between those two things. You will come away with explicit techniques for communicating your needs and you will know what those are. You may understand gender dynamics in a heteronormative partnerships but this book will make you think about it with even more insight into your life, even outside of your sexuality. Finally, be prepared to get deep with the final chapter because it goes allll the way into Audre Lorde's use of the Erotic, which can be hard for a lot of folks to intellectualize--just stay open to it because I promise it's worth it.

There is a section on confidence and joy that I wish I could quote verbatim but I can't because this is currently an unpublished ARC. It was one of the most beautiful and spot on things I've ever read. I think I can quote that she states that "Confidence is knowing what is true and joy is loving what is true" and goes on to break down how this is a radical act within our society, especially when it comes to desire, pleasure, and body image. Honestly, y'all, I wasn't sure if I was screaming or crying or just wanted to go hit everyone over the head with this section but this is truly my life's work.

Emily, you are a gift to this world and you are one of my imaginary besties. I will read every book you ever write and recommend it to everyone I know. If I could give this book 10 stars, I would.

[Joey Shapiro · Rating 3 out of 5]

Could not possibly imagine a more perfect time to log this than right after seeing Eyes Wide Shut in theaters, a movie where the entire conflict could have been resolved soooo fast if the characters had read Dr. Emily Nagoski's 2024 NYT bestseller Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections!

If I were a just critic I would rate this on a curve, because it IS a guidebook for people to follow and probably jump around in a little bit, but I'm not a just critic so...! This gets more bogged down in self-helpy language ("emotional floor plan," "gender mirage") than her other book Come As You Are, and I personally have trouble with folksy millenialisms a la "do the thing!", but a lot of good stuff in here that I was ranting and raving about to my therapist a week and a half ago. The stuff about spontaneous desire vs responsive desire... really interesting and seems obvious but never occurred to me! Once again just feels like sex ed taught by someone who is actually qualified to be teaching it, and that's the stuff I enjoyed/got the most out of.

[Laura (thenerdygnomelife) · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars rounded up — A helpful book that is a good starting point for those who are continuing to work on understsanding their own sexuality and how it can blend with a partner's, especially when their needs are at odd with each other. This is such a taboo topic that's hard for many to tackle, and Emily Nagoski does a great job of making it feel accessible and simple, even when the challenges couples face can often be complex. I appreciated her "blueprint" concept and how consistently she affirms people (and libidos) of all types. For long-term relationships working to get a spark back, Come Together includes plenty of practical advice.

Thank you to Random House Ballentine and Emily Nagoski for providing an early copy for review.

[Madison Ahlstrom · Rating 2 out of 5]

There are definitely some helpful nuggets in here. Even if it repeating something other authors have already said but in a different framework, sometime that new presentation of old information just clicks differently. Overall though, I do not feel like it was amazing and not the book for me as a cis-gendered woman in a monogamous marriage to a man. She tried to present it as a book for all people but honestly I think this book was definitely more geared to the LGBTQ+ community and so it fell flat in a lot of areas for me. So much fight the patriarchy and gender is a construct rhetoric that it comes off preachy.

[Miriam T · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ok some aspects of this book were incredible and will stick with me forever (like centering pleasure instead of desire, for one). I wanted to LOVE this book but there were a lot of parts that felt a biiiiiiit too loosey goosey for me. I guess I wanted more references and research, but I acknowledge that I think anecdotes are what Emily Nagoski does so well, so def just a personal opinion here. In general though, I think Nagowski is such a compassionate, open, inclusive thinker and I really believe and trust her, like reading her words makes you feel so warm and protected 😩

[Sarah Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

I actually liked this better than Come As You Are, because it focuses primarily on connection with a partner while still sharing lots of helpful self-knowledge tools; definitely more aligned with my needs and desires when approaching the topic of sexuality. I especially loved the section on mapping an emotional floor plan to find a sex-adjacent space; what a great visual for something so true to my lived experience: sometimes you need to go through another safe/positive emotional space to feel prepared to approach sex!

Still not sold on the premise that mutual consent and pleasure are the *only* ingredients necessary for good sex, even if they are two of the most important. I just think our intimate relationships touch on so many other facets of our lives that a far more robust moral framework is necessary for evaluating our sexual connections. Still, lots of helpful science and practical tips!

[Becca Hanks · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Difficult feelings are not dangerous… They maybe uncomfortable, for sure; that’s kind of their point. When you experience them, that’s your embodied mind alerting you that it perceives a potential threat… Just as a lifeguard’s whistle alerting everyone to get out of the pool is not dangerous. What’s potentially dangerous is the shark… There is no need to fear the whistle.”

had to pick up the latest book by dr. nagoski, next up is her book on burnout! as per usual, she brings a humorous, loving light to illuminate what can be a difficult and sometimes painful topic. one reason i enjoy her work so much is that everything she does is centered in love, whether it be self-love or love for someone else. her style may feel too “self-help” for some - to those people, i’d say, live a little, and do you not know that all of our relationships with others are based first and foremost on our relationships with ourselves?

“Confidence is knowing what’s true. Joy is loving what’s true - about our bodies, our life histories, our cultures, our partners, and our partnerships… Loving what’s true, even if it’s not what we were taught should be true. Even if it’s not what we wish were true.”

“The hold of love is not a tight fist but an open palm. Observe (your feelings) with calm, warm curiosity. Show them to your partner… Witness the difficult feelings from your internal space of Observational Distance.”

“Can we agree to discard the idea that women are inexplicable and men are simple?”

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great information and hearing Emily Nagoski narrate her book was 👌
I always recommend her book, Come As You Are, to my clients (I'm an LCSW), and now I'll be adding this book to my recommendations list. Come Together covers so many relevant topics, including gender identity, disabilities, and communication about sex. Not only is she inclusive, but she's heard it all and isn't afraid to talk about the awkward stuff.
Highly highly recommend!

[Meghan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is about SO MUCH MORE than sex y’all! I’m a huge fan of the accessibility of Dr. Nagoski’s writings (I fight the urge to call her Emily, as listening to her on audiobook gives the vibe of conversing over a cup of tea with a learned and non-judgmental friend). A few parts left me speechless and committed to undoing some longstanding thought patterns and beliefs. I would definitely recommend starting with “Come as you are”, possibly my favourite book cover EVER, but it isn’t necessary.