“Right and wrong, good and evil — none of it was clearly divided; none so easy to discern.”
off the bat i have to make it clear that i can’t really recommend this series. it’s written “for mature readers” and you shouldn’t take that lightly. this is a series that revolves heavily around sexual abuse (mostly in a past life but there are maaaany flashbacks) and it’s filled with a lot of gray area and moral ambiguity that will make people uncomfortable. it’s arguably kinda disturbing at times. i’d argue this series is even more unsettling than captive prince and possibly even a little life, and if you’ve read those, you’ll know what i’m talking about. it makes it a complicated series to talk about, to enjoy, to recommend, because there are some parts of it that are really dark and really hard to stomach, but the heart of this series is love and second chances and choosing to change yourself and be better for the people you love. it’s about forgiveness and understanding. it’s about making sacrifices for the greater good, for the people you care about, for a better world. IT’S ABOUT LOVE GODDAMMIT!!!!
but we’re not here to recommend things, we’re here to extrapolate how i feel about these books! goodreads is my personal diary so get used to it!
so, i picked this series up because i’d seen it floating around on goodreads and i was fresh off of finishing tgcf and i just really wanted (needed) another danmei series to escape into. i feel like i’m still very new to this genre, so i don’t know which authors or series are big and which ones i really need to check out…but that means there’s no harm in going in blind on something new. i just didn’t expect to get…this.
erha is dramatically different than tgcf in many ways. while i adore tgcf for what it is, a lot of the things i didn’t love about that series are why i’m OBSESSED this series. tgcf doesn’t have a strong translation, but the english prose in erha is just exquisite - it’s flowery and philosophical and it does take itself seriously (even when it’s joking), which tgcf really doesn’t do. tgcf has some cool plot points, but overall i think that series depends on its characters to carry it through eight volumes. and sure, these two series are very different so they shouldn’t really be compared, but objectively…i just think erha is better crafted, better written (translated?), and better plotted. it’s BETTER. i am a meatbun truther!!!!!
part of the original draw of this series is the “enemies to lovers” trope that so many of us crave - that wonderful dynamic of a grumpy person and their sunshine counterpart, as the two of them antagonize each other only to realize that the other person is the only person in the world who sees them just as they are and doesn’t shy away from them - and this series has a really intense setup right from the get-go. “i hated you so much that i tortured you and killed you and then i was so distraught at being left without you that i killed myself and was reborn as my younger self and so i was able to relive my life with my past life’s adult consciousness and as it turns out maybe i didn’t hate you after all and maybe i just didn’t understand you and maybe i’m actually deeply in love with you and also you’re my teacher who’s like ten years older than me oops.” and that’s not even the whole story!!!!!
the deeper we dive into this series - both the present day timeline and the unfolding events of the past - the more unsettling things become. the gray area gets grayer and murkier and it gets harder and harder to tell what’s right and what’s wrong and who is truly at fault for the violence that plays out. but it’s clear that this is a story about someone who desperately longs to atone for their sins. it’s a story about shame. it’s a story about passion. it’s a story about…the multiverse?
i was already deeply invested in this story at the beginning, when all we knew was that our main character was reborn from a past life, but then as we get to the end of this series (soon…), it’s apparent that the story is not at all what i expected and it’s actually so much bigger than just “rebirth.” so often i read romantasy series (or just fantasy in general) that skimps on plot, that skimps on magic, that really doesn’t do anything innovative because it relies on romance or a cool magical world to carry the story. but this series has EVERYTHING i could want. characters, romance, magic, world-building, and an intricate plot that TRULY COULD NOT BE PREDICTED. like, jaw on the floor i did not see that shit coming!! it’s actually so ridiculous, so laughable as a plot progression that it circles back around to genius.
honestly the more chinese danmei i read, the more amazed i become. there’s definitely some internalized racism and homophobia that i’m coming to terms with, and i know that’s part of why i never picked these books up in the past (boo), but i still know a lot of people who stick their noses up at this genre and it’s actually a little absurd seeing as romantasy as a genre is really popular right now. i think some of these series have started circulating on tiktok (blah) but i guess i just think back to the early days of booktube and hardly anybody was talking about danmei. but like!!!! these books are SO ADDICTING!!! they have so much heart!!! and they are such a wonderful exploration of chinese culture and language. i’ve spent a lot of time reading up on pronunciation, on all the different terms of endearment and monikers and how to address specific types of people and relationships, and it’s kind of wild to me just how much we can learn about other cultures and peoples just by reading fantasy books. and it sucks that it took me this long to dip my toes into this genre, but babes we are ALL IN and i will not feel any shame!
move over sarah j maas, meatbun is talking!!!!
side bar: if i’m being honest, the real reason i cannot get this story out of my head is chu wanning. stick a character with a cold-exterior and a soft-hearted interior (A HEDGEHOG,,, help me) into a situation and i’m a goner. wanning is so special to me because of how much of myself i see in his character. to me, he reads like a neurodivergent-coded guy with sex-repulsion who’s probably demisexual, and that alone would be enough to make me feel seen but on TOP OF THAT, he also is working through a lot of shame and a lot of fear and a lot of feelings of self-loathing. (wow, not to like, put my heart into a goodreads review again, but ouch.) it’s hard to read about characters like this because i spend the entire time going “STOP BEING SO STUPID JUST DO _____!!!” and then i sit back and have to look into a mirror with my clown make-up on because girl. that’s you. why don’t YOU stop being so stupid!!!!! so many scenes made me feel seen - whether it was the end of volume 3 in the underworld or the beginning of volume 4 when the boys kept giving him gifts upon his return or THE END OF VOLUME 5 WHEN MO RAN FINALLY MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIM (that one…..woof) - and more and more as the story continued, i just felt like someone had uncovered a missing piece of my soul. especially when you think about all the implications of him being who he is and his maker questioning WHETHER OR NOT HE HAS A SOUL……anyway. i could write essays about chu wanning. he is beloved. he is my blorbo. he is a cinnamon roll who deserves the world. he did not deserve all the torture he was dealt!!!!!!
in conclusion, this is an all-timer and i cannot wait to get the conclusion to this story and one day when i reread the whole thing i will finally be at peace because i just want to see how meatbun brought all these crazy plot details together.
but like also, i think we should be allowed to hunt her for sport because what the actual fuck. volumes 7 & 8 WRECKED ME. how dARE YOU!!!!!
and for the record, i did in fact text my friend michelle that i hated shi mei before we even kNEW what a piece of shit he was so like PROPS TO ME AND MY GUT INSTINCTS I GUESS fuck that guy fr