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The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness

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Many of the earliest books, particularly those dating back to the 1900s and before, are now extremely scarce and increasingly expensive. We are republishing these classic works in affordable, high quality, modern editions, using the original text and artwork.

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First published February 1, 1860

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Cecil B. Hartley

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5 stars
95 (34%)
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92 (33%)
3 stars
60 (21%)
2 stars
23 (8%)
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 35 reviews
Profile Image for Clay Davis.
Author 4 books165 followers
February 13, 2023
Enjoyed reading about the good manners expected of people in polite society.
Profile Image for Jordan B Cooper.
Author 23 books408 followers
January 18, 2022
The book is from the mid nineteenth century, so as one would expect, a bit of the information is outdated. However, a lot of the author's advice still holds up quite well.
Profile Image for Feliks.
495 reviews
June 9, 2018
It is not at all, an easy read. The language is from that foppish, dandyish vintage of the British tongue which sounds so unctuous, fawning, careful, mincing, and sycophantic. It's a very 'fussy' guideline; with intricate chapters and nit-picky sections and subsections.

The book is free however, and this makes it a great reference source for that era in society. But rather than read it at length (certainly not straight through) it is enjoyable to delve into for occasional snippets and brief selections.

Above and beyond anyone's interest in historical research, this nattering little book is vitally useful in that it can remind us how important manners once were to people...now that we've lost them entirely.
Profile Image for Heather dennis.
37 reviews31 followers
April 30, 2013
This is one of those accidentally funny books.
Granted some of the book is quite helpful in manners so if you ignore the crazy parts its not a bad instruction book.

On to the funny:

During the dinner party monologue I kept picturing someone's spinster aunt glaring at the end of the table glaring at the guest. The inner monologue getting more and more angry as it goes along.

The next oddly funny part was the end of the ballroom section.

It was mentioned to be careful dancing with a girl because if you move too fast because she might bump into another women with disastrous results. And by disastrous results the book meant that the other girl's charm-bracelet would hurt your date in such a way as to cause her to bleed profusely on her own dress.

So many questions at this point. First: how much psi would one's blood have to be under in order to soak ones own dress from a charm prick. Damn those corsets. Second: what on earth were they wearing for charms... ginsu knives?

Then there was the whole “be careful if the girl accidentally promises to dance with two men on the same dance but didn't realize it.” Apparently a great many a ballroom brawl has been started by this and you may end up with a horrible gash on your cheek or your arm in a sling.

Then the dangers of the waltz: with people galloping around the room with a vigorous waltz you run the risk of breaking your own foot by falling and possibly some bone in her body. … all from the waltz.

I love reading about the Victorian time and I have to say this is the first time I have every heard anything about this with ballrooms. I find it impossible any of this is even close to happened but I so want to read a story with this in it.

From the 101 tips section of the book.

30. avoid personality: nothing is more ungentlemanly.

I'm not joking. This is a quote.

There is more but this was my list of highlights.

If you don't mind digging amongst the helpful tips this makes a funny read. XD
Profile Image for Theo.
70 reviews
Read
August 5, 2023
It was a cute book, just a really random read
Profile Image for Peter Gal.
39 reviews5 followers
August 15, 2023
An excellent book on etiquette and politeness, it was amazing for me that 90%+ of advice was still relevant in a book published more than 150 years ago(!!!)

Highly recommended.
Profile Image for Nicholas.
Author 1 book13 followers
August 29, 2024
An exciting insight into the manners and etiquette expected in American polite society. What I expected solely was it to be an antiquated manual on how a purported gentleman should conduct himself when attending a ball, which of myriad tableware to use during tea time and supper, how to submit salutations to an heiress or another member of the genteel class: a bunch of fusty old pretentious rules that have little use or purpose beyond the era in which Cecil Harley authored this work.
What I found exceeded these expectations tremendously. Although the pedantry of these rules is apparent throughout, I found deeply profound and endearing reasons and logic to these "fusty old pretentious rules," which, to my surprise, were anything but save for being old. Harley breaks down the traits of a gentleman to what I can ascribe to being loving, kind, benevolent, principled, regimented, courteous, reverent, attentive, and, of course, gentle. I never thought this book would take such staid marks of the bygone gentleman and enrich them with a touching sense of purpose. Take from this example in the chapter about etiquette for calling:

Upon any one who has asked a favor of you; you will add very much to the pleasure you confer, in granting a favor, by calling to express the gratification it affords you to be able to oblige your friend; you will soften the pain of a refusal, if, by calling, and expressing your regret, you show that you feel interested in the request, and consider it of importance.


These little rules are throughout each chapter, followed by material sourced from an exemplary deemed gentlemen's own prescription relating to that chapter. These bits are more entertaining, for they generally tend to be more anecdotal and witty than the bullet-pointed ascriptions of a gentleman. Take for example this bit from an "English writer" about the behavior and indulgence in tobacco smoking (surprisingly, considering the prevalence of smoking in the past, I took the overall approach Hartley had to smoking as a dismayed):

“But what shall I say of the fragrant weed which Raleigh taught our gallants to puff in capacious bowls; which a royal pedant denounced in a famous ‘Counterblast;’ which his flattering laureate, Ben Jonson, ridiculed to please his master; which our wives and sisters protest gives rise to the dirtiest and most unsociable habit a man can indulge in; of which some fair favorers declare that they love the smell, and others that they will never marry an indulger (which, by the way, they generally end in doing); which has won a fame over more space and among better men than Noah’s grape has ever done; which doctors still dispute about, and boys still get sick over; but which is the solace of the weary laborer; the support of the ill-fed; the refresher of over-wrought brains; the soother of angry fancies; the boast of the exquisite; the excuse of the idle; the companion of the philosopher; and the tenth muse of the poet. I will go neither into the medical nor the moral question about the dreamy, calming cloud. I will content myself so far with saying what may be said for everything that can bless and curse mankind, that, in moderation, it is at least harmless; but what is moderate and what is not, must be determined in each individual case, according to the habits and constitution of the subject. If it cures asthma, it may destroy digestion; if it soothes the nerves, it may, in excess, produce a chronic irritability.


Overall, there are textbook points to follow, but there are also delightful descriptions applicable to those bullet points. There are comical, harsh, and tender reasons to which a gentleman should comport. What made me see this book as less of a manual and more of a philosophical teacher of human decency was the tenderness. I think many would turn their nose up at the idea such a book could teach them decency and good character, but there truly is something to acknowledge in terms of its robustness and thoughtfulness, neither of which cannot go amiss.

“Gentility is only a more select and artificial kind of vulgarity. It cannot exist but by a sort of borrowed distinction. It plumes itself up and revels in the homely pretensions of the mass of mankind. It judges of the worth of everything by name, fashion, opinion; and hence, from the conscious absence of real qualities or sincere satisfaction in itself, it builds its supercilious and fantastic conceit on the wretchedness and wants of others. Violent antipathies are always suspicious, and betray a secret affinity. The difference between the ‘Great Vulgar and the Small’ is mostly in outward circumstances. The coxcomb criticises the dress of the clown, as the pedant cavils at the bad grammar of the illiterate. Those who have the fewest resources in themselves, naturally seek the food of their self-love elsewhere. The most ignorant people find most to laugh at in strangers; scandal and satire prevail most in country-places; and a propensity to ridicule every the slightest or most palpable deviation from what we happen to approve, ceases with the progress of common sense. True worth does not exult in the faults and deficiencies of others; as true refinement turns away from grossness and deformity instead of being tempted to indulge in an unmanly triumph over it. Raphael would not faint away at the daubing of a sign painter, nor Homer hold his head the higher for being in the company of the poorest scribbler that ever attempted poetry. Real power, real excellence, does not seek for a foil in inferiority, nor fear contamination from coming in contact with that which is coarse and homely. It reposes on itself, and is equally free from spleen and affectation. But the spirit of both these small vices is in gentility as the word stands in vulgar minds: of affected delight in its own would-be qualifications, and of ineffable disdain poured out upon the involuntary blunders or accidental disadvantages of those whom it chooses to treat as inferiors.


What I love about this book, and reading it almost two hundred years after its publication, is the balance and mixture of good manners, decent behavior, and civil sensibilities align with many of the seemingly pretentious behaviors that high society practiced in the olden days. There is no distinction between a poor man and a rich man, an athlete and a doctor, a priest and a skeptic, just a set of standards that every man should follow if he wishes to consider himself a gentleman. I'll leave you with this from the work:

Politeness may be extended to the lowest and meanest, and you will never by thus extending it detract from your own dignity. A gentleman may and will treat his washerwoman with respect and courtesy, and his boot-black with pleasant affability, yet preserve perfectly his own position. To really merit the name of a polite, finished gentleman, you must be polite at all times and under all circumstances.
Profile Image for Manda.
358 reviews
October 31, 2016
As I was reading I couldn't help wondering how much of a challenge it was for people to keep all of the rules and guidelines for etiquette and polite behavior in practice at all times. There are so many and some are very nuanced. I know I'd be stressed and am glad not all of them survived the test of time. Having been written in 1860, it provides some insight on social norms I found rather interesting, some in a mildly alarming way, i.e. the following:

"To be in the fashion, an Englishman must wear six pairs of gloves in a day:
In the morning, he must drive his hunting wagon in reindeer gloves.
In hunting, he must wear gloves of chamois skin.
To enter London in his tilbury, beaver skin gloves.
Later in the day, to promenade in Hyde Park, colored kid gloves, dark.
When he dines out, colored kid gloves, light.
For the ballroom, white kid gloves. (Read elsewhere, "perfectly spotless" and be replaced immediately if soiled.)
Thus his yearly bill for gloves alone will amount to a most extravagant sum."

With others, I couldn't understand why they would constitute a lack of etiquette.

"Do not stop to join a crowd who are collected round a street show, or street merchant, unless you wish to pass for a countryman taking a holiday in the city." (I mean, what if it's very well preformed?)

What I found to be most interesting is that really, the heart of manners is the desire to be considerate of the feelings of others and practice kindness. One could preform all the nuances of etiquette and yet not be regarded as courteous and well-mannered should they fail in being mindful in their treatment of others. It's nice to know that despite 150 years that principle still has relevance today. Hopefully it will manage to remain so.
13 reviews
July 21, 2017
The Rules Don't Change

Even though somewhat dated in places, the rules of etiquette haven't really changed over time. The author does a good job of outlining what it is to be a person of good character.
Profile Image for Abdalla Alkhalifa.
139 reviews6 followers
March 5, 2020
I didn’t quite finish this book, But I took what I wanted from it.
Thank you very much, but ball etiquette doesn’t concern me at all.
I’ve always cared about manners and etiquette. For me the most important thing is being considerate and respectful.
The book is useful, but the writer’s style is kind of inflexible, maybe because it’s written in the nineteenth century. I think many of these rules are inapplicable in our modern world. And the majority of them are kind of stifling.
After all, I don’t like being told what to do and how to act by some arrogant ancient man who I disagree with in many things. It’s infuriating, especially the way he forces his opinions on the reader.
Profile Image for Terrible Book Club.
137 reviews42 followers
December 11, 2022
Ken from Antiques Freaks joins Chris for a very special Gentleman's Club episode! No girls are allowed as Chris & Ken probe the depths of The Gentlemen's Book of Etiquette and Manual of Politeness: Being a Complete Guide for a Gentleman's Conduct in all his Relations Towards Society by Cecil B. Hartley published in 1875. If you miss Paris, be sure to check out the Ladies Night episodes of Antiques Freaks where Paris replaces Ken: Antiques Freaks Episode 191 - Uranium Glass & Antiques Freaks Episode 193 - Faberge Eggs.
Profile Image for Andrei Ponze.
1 review
April 14, 2024
pros and cons

At first I was getting a lesson. Then afterwards a slap in the face for a moral deflection. It was distasteful as more that I read about “bred” of people being inferior when it’s not taking a true selfless acts of courage principle. Which can be participants of all walks of life.
2 reviews
August 22, 2021
This is a great book on learning how to properly conduct yourself. Yes, certain parts are a bit irrelevant now (etiquette of riding in carriages for example) but the core concepts of what it means to be a gentleman still hold true. Any man can still learn a lot from this text.
Profile Image for Wood Daniel.
56 reviews1 follower
June 10, 2025
Outdated… but not really.. everything still applies in some way
Wish I read this at 15 not 23.

Who is Cecil Hartley? I got 2 answers from 2 authors in the era who wrote the same book.

📕 mandatory read at least once in lifetime. Makes you better and smarter
Profile Image for Eric.
693 reviews9 followers
August 18, 2019
Was able to gather some great and helpful tips. Even if it is from another century, a lot can and should be applied today.
Profile Image for Jonathan Madison.
78 reviews2 followers
December 18, 2020
An excellent read and still incredibly relevant for our day for those seeking to improve their personal behavior.
Profile Image for Tyler.
1 review
May 22, 2021
This book was an interesting education on historical foundation of gentlemen's manners.It is shocking how much culture we have lost in the last 50 years.
Profile Image for Leo Huang.
6 reviews
October 6, 2022
A fun quick read that gives a brief peak at the lifestyles (of the middle and upper class) in the mid 1800s.
Profile Image for Candy C.
196 reviews26 followers
Want to read
August 7, 2025
Florence Hartley authored The Ladies' Book of Etiquette: A Manual of Politeness from a Gentler Time, so I thought Cecil B. Hartley, the writer of this manual, was her husband. Online sources claim that Miss Hartley never married, though, and that she wrote both manuals.

Anyway, just like the other book, this one contains unimaginably wholesome and edifying passages in luminous prose:

You may set it down as a rule, that as you treat the world, so the world will treat you. Carry into the circles of society a refined, polished manner, and an amiable desire to please, and it will meet you with smiling grace, and lead you forward pleasantly along the flowery paths; go, on the contrary, with a brusque, rude manner, startling all the silky softness before you with cut and thrust remarks, carrying only the hard realities of life in your hand, and you will find society armed to meet you, showing only sharp corners and thorny places for your blundering footsteps to stumble against.

You will find in every circle that etiquette holds some sway; her rule is despotic in some places, in others mild, and easily set aside. Your first lesson in society will be to study where she reigns supreme, in her crown and holding her sceptre, and where she only glides in with a gentle hint or so, and timidly steps out if rebuked; and let your conduct be governed by the result of your observations. You will soon become familiar with the signs, and tell on your first entrance into a room whether kid gloves and exquisite finish of manner will be appropriate, or whether it is ‘hail, fellow, well met’ with the inmates. Remember, however, ‘once a gentleman always a gentleman,’ and be sure that you can so carry out the rule, that in your most careless, joyous moments, when freest from the restraints of etiquette, you can still be recognizable as a gentleman by every act, word, or look.


My dear friend pointed out the personification of etiquette and mirrored sentences above; I find both well-executed and the former unique. Although I am usually unmoved by calls to read niche works, I truly wish everyone would read this one, or at least the above extracts.

Regarding the following quotation from Chapter XIV, while its first half may be oft-repeated, its second half is an indispensable addition that I have never seen elsewhere: ‘True courtesy, indeed, chiefly consists in accommodating ourselves to the feelings of others, without descending from our own dignity, or denuding ourselves of our own principles.’ I believe this is a more hard-lined view of courtesy than that mentioned in the aforementioned book for ladies:

The spirit of politeness consists in a certain attention to forms and ceremonies, which are meant both to please others and ourselves, and to make others pleased with us; a still clearer definition may be given by saying that politeness is goodness of heart put into daily practice; there can be no true politeness without kindness, purity, singleness of heart, and sensibility.
Profile Image for Susan Molloy.
Author 149 books88 followers
May 18, 2023
✔️Published in 1860.
🖊 My review: This etiquette guide for gentlemen from 1860 applies well in the world of today:
Always avoid any rude or boisterous action, especially when in the presence of ladies. . . . Nothing marks the gentleman so soon and so decidedly as quiet, refined ease of manner.


Absolutely correct.

Sure, there are some rules that are outdated due to technological advances, et cetera, yet I do find this book to be invaluable for my research and writing projects. 💫 What I like best is some of the archaic tips, yet so many can be applied in the world of today. 📌 I would read this again.
🤔 My rating 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟
🟣 Media form: Kindle version.
🟢 E-book format found here on : Project Gutenberg .
✿●▬●✿●✿●▬●✿
🌴 Read more of my review on : The Oasis at Four Queen Palms .
Profile Image for Jocelyn.
445 reviews31 followers
September 13, 2013
I have read a lot - I mean a lot - of antique etiquette books, and I am certain this is the first one I've read that is aimed at men. This made it an interesting read, but at the same time, because the social sphere was largely under the direction of women, this book wanders afield into a lot of the "manual of politeness" and gives a great deal of 19th century How to Win Friends and Influence People material. And the author has the unfortunate habit of having cribbed large sections wholesale from the letters of Lord Chesterfield...and also has the temerity to lecture us not to plagiarize anecdotes from our friends or written material from books in the service of billets-doux.
Profile Image for Paul/Suzette Graham.
Author 8 books12 followers
May 18, 2015
there is still much we can learn from the old ways. etiquette, manners, style, & decorum do not do out of style.
some sections do not much apply to 21st century social custom-- calling, balls, horse riding, etc.,-- other section could prove useful if one is seeking to refine one's habits. I thought the sections on conversation, dining, letter writing, dress, and interaction between the sexes to be entertaining and insightful. there are many books of this description in the public domain, but this one is geared specifically towards men.
I recommend it as both a book of historical curiousity and as a powerful contrast with the vulgar individualistic anti-culture of modern Amerika.
Profile Image for Vitaly.
39 reviews
March 7, 2016
One needs to read this book through the prism of time, as concepts and ideas might hold true, the actual appliance to described situations are yet to be found. But easily this book is a go to, in advance of other sources, and a wonderful addition to existing behaviour and etiquette insights, I wish it would be read by more people.
Profile Image for Warren Smith.
39 reviews2 followers
September 6, 2019
Niche historical interest. Many timeless truths and very enjoyable! Large amounts of obsolete advice though - how to behave at the ball, how to courteously operate horse and carriage, etc. I was surprised by the volume of material that was quoted from other authors. Lastly, some passages betrayed a vulgar and low-minded ignorance insofar as the ”weaker sex” and the “darker races” are concerned.
6 reviews1 follower
October 29, 2025
A little dated, and at some points hard to follow; but, the advice and wisdom inside is both insightful, and invaluable, especially in today's society when these ideals, though no less valuable, are not valued by the men who should live by them.
Profile Image for Mothwing.
969 reviews28 followers
March 17, 2015
This book spends about 10% of its bulk to give a lesson in spelling and grammar and then goes on for another 10% on different kinds of letters. Apparently, gentlemen also don't need to be advised not to suck on parasols.
Profile Image for Dennis Logan.
28 reviews
August 9, 2020
A bit dry but a true classic.

A bit dry but a true classic. Some information is dated for today 's standards but most is useable. If you are studying history this will help understand the late 19th century.
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