Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love Using Parts Work

by Jessica Fern, David Cooley (primary_contributor)

Trauma, attachment wounds and external criticism can leave us battling a sense of shame and inadequacy that can keep us from thriving personally and in relationships. In Transforming the Shame Triangle, integrative therapist Jessica Fern and restorative justice facilitator David Cooley use a synthesis of Internal Family Systems and Narrative Process to identify the three parts that they identify as the greatest barriers to achieving the life we want.




The Inner Critic, Shame and the Escaper are players in an internalized drama triangle, acting as perpetrator, victim and rescuer. Together, they create the Shame Triangle, which can trap us in ineffective survival strategies that prevent us from embracing and expressing our true selves.







Through practical exercises and accessible explanations, readers are guided to shift from a state of self-critique to one of self-support—transforming the Shame Triangle to a love triangle. Using parts work, Fern and Cooley open a path to healing and transformation, building a foundation of authenticity and integrity in self and connections, and ultimately creating a more fulfilling life.

Genres: Psychology

336 pages, Paperback

Published October 31, 2025

About the author

Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist, public speaker, and trauma and relationship expert. In her international private practice, Jessica works with individuals, couples and people in multiple-partner relationships who no longer want to be limited by their reactive patterns, cultural conditioning, insecure attachment styles, and past traumas, helping them to embody new possibilities in life and love.

Reviews

[Misty Stringer · Rating 5 out of 5]

This psychological resource was easy to understand and based on Frances Shapiro's work. I am a LCSW and information in this book hit the mail on the head. It was an easy to understand resource, that will definitely impact the way I handle feelings of shame with my clients.

[Sarah Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love Using Parts Work – A Compassionate Roadmap to Healing
Rating: 4.7/5

Jessica Fern and David Cooley’s Transforming the Shame Triangle is a groundbreaking synthesis of Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Narrative Therapy that offers a lifeline to anyone shackled by shame, self-criticism, or the exhausting cycle of emotional escape. As someone who has grappled with the relentless voice of the Inner Critic, I found this book both academically rigorous and deeply personal—a rare combination that left me alternating between underlining passages and pausing to process emotional revelations.

Why This Book Stands Out
The authors’ innovative Shame Triangle framework—comprising the Inner Critic (perpetrator), Shame (victim), and Escaper (rescuer)—brilliantly maps how these parts interact to trap us in survival mode. What sets this apart from other self-help texts is its actionable approach: Fern and Cooley don’t just diagnose the problem; they provide concrete exercises to dismantle the triangle and rebuild with self-compassion. Their integration of IFS (working with internal parts) and Narrative Therapy (rewriting harmful self-stories) feels fresh and clinically sound.

Emotional Resonance & Practical Impact
Reading this book was like undergoing gentle therapy. The chapters on the Escaper (the part that numbs or flees from shame) hit particularly hard—I recognized my own coping mechanisms in vivid detail. Yet, the tone never veers into judgment. Instead, the authors guide readers toward curiosity and empathy for their own protective parts. The exercises (e.g., dialoguing with the Inner Critic, mapping shame triggers) are transformative if practiced consistently. By the final chapter, I felt equipped with tools to interrupt shame spirals in real time.

Constructive Criticism
While the book excels in theory and application, some readers might crave more diverse case studies or examples beyond heteronormative relationships (a common gap in parts-work literature). Additionally, the IFS-Narrative blend, though effective, occasionally risks feeling jargon-heavy for beginners; a glossary or simplified recap boxes could enhance accessibility.

Final Verdict
Transforming the Shame Triangle is a must-read for therapists, trauma survivors, and anyone weary of battling their own mind. It’s not a quick fix—it demands introspection and patience—but the payoff is profound: a roadmap from self-rejection to self-love.

Thank you to Edelweiss and Thornapple Press for the gifted copy. This book is a testament to Fern and Cooley’s expertise and compassion, offering not just insight but embodied change. Pair it with a journal and an open heart—you’ll need both.

For fans of: No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz, Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff, and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

[Erica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Founds this fascinating!

[Laurel · Rating 4 out of 5]

After very successful EMDR/ART treatment, I found the only thing I still struggle with is shame triggers. Anytime, any reason. I'm glad psychotherapists are talking about it as a unique type of trauma response, because it's very different and more deeply rooted than most emotions. It seems to be based in our evolutionary drive for survival, which makes it very powerful. Be prepared to just feel constant shame while you listen (lmao). There is something about thinking about shame that triggers the shame.

I found the question-based exercises to be very helpful and thought-provoking. However I didn't find any of the physical exercises to be helpful. Most of them are breathing exercises, and that has never worked for me (in fact deep breathing leads to anxiety and panic because of past trauma -- like a person in a yoga cult being triggered by a gong instead of soothed by it). This is one reason bilateral stimulation worked so great for me.

The book didn't do anything for my actual shame. I've never been able to logic myself out of it. I think I may have gotten more out of it if I was performing bilateral stimulation while listening. I may order an actual device for this purpose and re-listen to the book. I'm curious if the exposure therapy + the stimulation would be more powerful.

[G · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not just a book! This is a lifelong healing tool! I will be recommending this until the end of my days.

"Change does not happen in a single step or way. It happens in big leaps and slow, steady movements. It happens in the chaos of massive storms that knock us down, in the two-steps-forward, three-steps-back rhythm of trial and error, and in the quiet, almost imperceptible shifts that accumulate over time. It happens in ways that feel sudden, in ways that feel frustratingly slow and in ways that don't feel like change at all - until one day, you look back and realize you are standing in an entirely different place. Trust in your process, whatever its pace may be."

[Charis · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first couple chapters of this book I was hooked. I wasn’t familiar with Jungian archetypes, the drama triangle, or the trauma triangle. The shame triangle made a lot of sense to me and I’ve often talked about applying triangulation from family systems theory to IFS. Not sure this needs to be a new theory or is distinct enough from IFS and parts work. The rest of the book was hard to get through on audio book. Would be very helpful as a reference book or learning about parts work interventions, but very repetitive and not new to me. Listening to reflection questions with such a slow pace on audio book is not recommended if you aren’t actually hitting pause and doing the reflections in the moment.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fern and Cooley combine their experiences, IFS, and other forms of therapy to teach readers about the drama triangle and the shame triangle. The drama triangle is something many people are familiar with, though fewer tend to be familiar with the shame triangle, which consists of different parts such as a shame-filled part, a critic, and an escaper part. Through interviews with parts, meditations, and other strategies, the authors help readers approach the shame triangle parts with compassion, curiosity, and gentleness.

I am have a lot of shame and thus various shame triangles related to various traumatic events in childhood and adulthood. This book has helped me work with the parts of myself who are part of different shame triangles. I've adjusted questions ,etc., to better fit my needs.

I highly recommend this book, especially for those who are trauma survivors and those who work with IFS. This is a book I will be reading again.

Thank you to the publisher and NetGalley for an ARC!