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Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect: Move Beyond Insecure Attachment to Build Safety, Connection, and Trust with Yourself and Others
A powerful approach to heal from abandonment trauma, break free from self-blame and shame, and rebuild trust—with yourself and the ones you love.
Do you blame yourself for being abandoned or neglected as a child, or suffer from poor self-esteem, anxiety, or depression as a result? Do you have deep feelings of shame, defectiveness, and insecurity that impact your life and relationships? If so, you are not alone. These are common experiences for survivors of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). But what happened to you as a child or young adult isn’t your fault. By understanding how you were affected, you can start on the path to healing and personal growth.
From family trauma expert and abandonment survivor Kaytee Gillis, Healing from Parental Abandonment offers a powerful, evidence-based approach that draws on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and compassion-focused therapy (CFT) to help you develop a thorough understanding of what abandonment is and how it may have shaped who you are today.
You’ll also learn skills to help you work through self-blame and shame, replace unhealthy behaviors with positive coping skills, form healthy boundaries, and reconnect with your true self. And finally, you’ll find exercises and activities to help you put what you’ve learned into action—so you can make lasting positive change.
What happened in your past doesn’t have to define your future. If you’re ready to heal the invisible wounds of your childhood, this compassionate guide can help you get started today.
Do you blame yourself for being abandoned or neglected as a child, or suffer from poor self-esteem, anxiety, or depression as a result? Do you have deep feelings of shame, defectiveness, and insecurity that impact your life and relationships? If so, you are not alone. These are common experiences for survivors of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). But what happened to you as a child or young adult isn’t your fault. By understanding how you were affected, you can start on the path to healing and personal growth.
From family trauma expert and abandonment survivor Kaytee Gillis, Healing from Parental Abandonment offers a powerful, evidence-based approach that draws on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and compassion-focused therapy (CFT) to help you develop a thorough understanding of what abandonment is and how it may have shaped who you are today.
You’ll also learn skills to help you work through self-blame and shame, replace unhealthy behaviors with positive coping skills, form healthy boundaries, and reconnect with your true self. And finally, you’ll find exercises and activities to help you put what you’ve learned into action—so you can make lasting positive change.
What happened in your past doesn’t have to define your future. If you’re ready to heal the invisible wounds of your childhood, this compassionate guide can help you get started today.
154 pages, Kindle Edition
Published March 1, 2025
14 people are currently reading
1836 people want to read
About the author
Kaytlyn Gillis
11 books13 followersKaytee (Kaytlyn) Gillis, LCSW, is a psychotherapist and writer known for her work with survivors of family of origin trauma, as well as her work with survivors of traumatic relationships and IPV, specifically post separation abuse.
Kaytee is the author of several books on the topic of domestic abuse and family trauma.
Kaytee has a popular blog on Psychology Today and is a regular contributor to Psychotherapy Networker. She has been featured on BBC World News, iHeart radio, SiriusXM Doctor Radio, The Los Angeles Times, CP24 News, and others. She provides training on recognizing patterns of domestic violence and family trauma, and helping survivors move forward.
She lives with her partner and fur children in Michigan.
Kaytee is the author of several books on the topic of domestic abuse and family trauma.
Kaytee has a popular blog on Psychology Today and is a regular contributor to Psychotherapy Networker. She has been featured on BBC World News, iHeart radio, SiriusXM Doctor Radio, The Los Angeles Times, CP24 News, and others. She provides training on recognizing patterns of domestic violence and family trauma, and helping survivors move forward.
She lives with her partner and fur children in Michigan.
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
March 25, 2025
Hoo boy.
Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect is a short book – 169 pages including acknowledgments, further reading, and references. It took me many days to read it. Same as the people described on the pages, same as the author, I am a survivor. And I saw myself on those pages again and again and again.
This helps a lot. Not just the exercises (very useful – a rare thing in self-help books – and I actually may whip out a journal). The stories; the reminders that not only am I not alone, but I’m not all that special for going through this. I don’t mean that I’m not good enough, important enough, etc. – I’ve done enough therapy to be finished with negative self-talk. There are many of us and each of us has a different story and in many ways we are all the same. And all of us can be ‘fixed’.
The chapter on forgiveness hit hard. I am not there yet. I might never get there. And that’s okay. (The author repeats this many times; there is no one right way to process our broken childhoods. Our feelings are okay.) A particularly weird-sounding bit about forgiving our anger is prefaced by the admission that this might sound weird; it’s also true, once I’ve re-read it a few times. This book is longer than it seems, because many passages and pages require re-reads, and it definitely isn’t something you swallow in one go.
Instead of turning this review into a self-confessional essay longer than the book, I’ll finish with a quote: “Particularly when your child is struggling, a parent's natural instinct is to emphasise their achievements, and sound upbeat and optimistic.” Not every parent’s; not every child’s. There’s a lot those 150+ pages cover. I recommend this book to every grown-up who had to parent their parents, never quite figured out the reasons why they’ve been so scared ever since they remember, or… you’ll know if you are this book’s audience, and if the answer is yes, you 100% need it.
I received an ARC from NetGalley. This did not influence my opinion. I’ll be buying a copy of this book, because this is something I will need to re-read many times before I’m… let’s say optimistically… done with it all.
My ratings:
5* = this book changed my life
4* = very good
3* = good
2* = I should have DNFed
1* = actively hostile towards the reader*
Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect is a short book – 169 pages including acknowledgments, further reading, and references. It took me many days to read it. Same as the people described on the pages, same as the author, I am a survivor. And I saw myself on those pages again and again and again.
This helps a lot. Not just the exercises (very useful – a rare thing in self-help books – and I actually may whip out a journal). The stories; the reminders that not only am I not alone, but I’m not all that special for going through this. I don’t mean that I’m not good enough, important enough, etc. – I’ve done enough therapy to be finished with negative self-talk. There are many of us and each of us has a different story and in many ways we are all the same. And all of us can be ‘fixed’.
The chapter on forgiveness hit hard. I am not there yet. I might never get there. And that’s okay. (The author repeats this many times; there is no one right way to process our broken childhoods. Our feelings are okay.) A particularly weird-sounding bit about forgiving our anger is prefaced by the admission that this might sound weird; it’s also true, once I’ve re-read it a few times. This book is longer than it seems, because many passages and pages require re-reads, and it definitely isn’t something you swallow in one go.
Instead of turning this review into a self-confessional essay longer than the book, I’ll finish with a quote: “Particularly when your child is struggling, a parent's natural instinct is to emphasise their achievements, and sound upbeat and optimistic.” Not every parent’s; not every child’s. There’s a lot those 150+ pages cover. I recommend this book to every grown-up who had to parent their parents, never quite figured out the reasons why they’ve been so scared ever since they remember, or… you’ll know if you are this book’s audience, and if the answer is yes, you 100% need it.
I received an ARC from NetGalley. This did not influence my opinion. I’ll be buying a copy of this book, because this is something I will need to re-read many times before I’m… let’s say optimistically… done with it all.
My ratings:
5* = this book changed my life
4* = very good
3* = good
2* = I should have DNFed
1* = actively hostile towards the reader*
September 2, 2025
Essential Read - kind and very compassionately written (especially the reminders throughout). Thought many times reading that this would be a good resource to also understand those who go through this particular trauma (and all of its manifestions).
Read
April 2, 2025This book begins by providing education on what it can look like to have experienced abandonment or neglect from a parent, including the depth of pain involved in this experience. As a mental health therapist, I appreciated that the authors define this experience as "trauma", which I think is powerful for the reader to be able to acknowledge and normalize. I also appreciated the inclusion of background information on why parents/caregivers might abandon or neglect a child, and the inclusion of understanding the cycle of trauma and abandonment involved; although this is not providing an "excuse" for these behaviors, it is often beneficial to understand the "why" behind others' actions towards us to comprehend that it wasn't our fault. Importantly, the authors also normalize feelings of "shame" that one might experience after having been abandoned, as well as acknowledgement that the blame often placed on the abandoned/neglected children themselves is maladaptive and harmful in nature.
Part 2 includes an overview of how abandonment can show up in our relationships in various ways, including romantic relationships, friendships, and other familial relationships. Common roadblocks to healing from parental abandonment are also addressed in this section. Notably, I appreciated that the authors included descriptions of the myriad of emotions (sometimes multiple at once) that one might feel when coping with parental abandonment. Pain and confusion in relation to these intense emotions are something that I commonly hear about when working with clients on topics related to parental abandonment, so I appreciated the focus on delving into each emotion as well as providing the reader with coping strategies and various tools to manage difficult emotions.
Lastly, "moving forward" from the impact of parental abandonment, and the road path from healing is covered in the third and final section of this book. Focus on learning to implement boundaries is a heavy focus of this section. Additional resources to support your healing journey, including ways in which other loved ones can support you, are also included at the end of the book. Various vignettes and exercises are also included throughout all sections of the book, which is also helpful to the reader who is looking to begin to implement strategies while reading this book. Overall, this book is a useful introduction to the topic that is written in a way that is easy to understand and is also brief enough to keep the reader engaged, but provide enough education to be helpful.
Thank you to NetGalley and New Harbinger Publications for providing a digital ARC of this book. "Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect" will be available for purchase on April 24th, 2025.
Part 2 includes an overview of how abandonment can show up in our relationships in various ways, including romantic relationships, friendships, and other familial relationships. Common roadblocks to healing from parental abandonment are also addressed in this section. Notably, I appreciated that the authors included descriptions of the myriad of emotions (sometimes multiple at once) that one might feel when coping with parental abandonment. Pain and confusion in relation to these intense emotions are something that I commonly hear about when working with clients on topics related to parental abandonment, so I appreciated the focus on delving into each emotion as well as providing the reader with coping strategies and various tools to manage difficult emotions.
Lastly, "moving forward" from the impact of parental abandonment, and the road path from healing is covered in the third and final section of this book. Focus on learning to implement boundaries is a heavy focus of this section. Additional resources to support your healing journey, including ways in which other loved ones can support you, are also included at the end of the book. Various vignettes and exercises are also included throughout all sections of the book, which is also helpful to the reader who is looking to begin to implement strategies while reading this book. Overall, this book is a useful introduction to the topic that is written in a way that is easy to understand and is also brief enough to keep the reader engaged, but provide enough education to be helpful.
Thank you to NetGalley and New Harbinger Publications for providing a digital ARC of this book. "Healing from Parental Abandonment and Neglect" will be available for purchase on April 24th, 2025.
April 20, 2025
As a psychotherapist specializing in childhood trauma, I understand the depths of pain that survivors of parental abandonment and neglect face. Kaytee (Kaytlyn) Gillis, writes with a compassionate voice and offers helpful coping tools for managing feelings of self-blame, persistent fear of further abandonment, and shame. She explores how survivors might handle difficult conversations when family and friends inadvertently make comments that place further blame on the one that was abandoned, which invalidates the individual’s experience and increases feelings of self-blame and shame. Gillis, a survivor herself, offers insight into the non-linear path toward healing. I recommend this book to anyone that has experienced parental abandonment and neglect and would like a better understanding of how to manage these painful feelings. While her book offers many impactful discoveries throughout, the quote that resonated the most with me is:
“Like someone stranded for days in the desert, looking for food and water, anyone starved of their basic childhood needs for support, love, and affection will naturally grow desperate looking for it” (pg. 66).
“Like someone stranded for days in the desert, looking for food and water, anyone starved of their basic childhood needs for support, love, and affection will naturally grow desperate looking for it” (pg. 66).
February 11, 2025
I am thankful for the opportunity to have received an ARC of this book. I feel like the author has genuine experience in this field and is quite knowledgeable. Unfortunately, I am feeling compelled to DNF this book at this time.
I want to be clear, that my reasoning for choosing to not finish this book is not because of the content or information given, however, I do feel like this book should be read through by editors another time. The formatting (at least on the kindle/ebook version) is not well constructed, which makes it hard to read when certain sentences and paragraphs are broken in strange places. There are also some grammatical errors that I have come across which made me wonder if some parts had been poorly translated from another source. The language throughout the book seems to have dialogue as if it had once been a speech and then flips to more of a conversational dialogue within the same section or paragraph. As someone who has read numerous self-help books, I found this one exceptionally difficult to read because I was so distracted by the technicalities within the text.
Overall, the information is wonderful, but the delivery has been poorly executed and seems rushed. I hope that the author can make the necessary changes/updates so that her message can be well received; she's on the right track.
I want to be clear, that my reasoning for choosing to not finish this book is not because of the content or information given, however, I do feel like this book should be read through by editors another time. The formatting (at least on the kindle/ebook version) is not well constructed, which makes it hard to read when certain sentences and paragraphs are broken in strange places. There are also some grammatical errors that I have come across which made me wonder if some parts had been poorly translated from another source. The language throughout the book seems to have dialogue as if it had once been a speech and then flips to more of a conversational dialogue within the same section or paragraph. As someone who has read numerous self-help books, I found this one exceptionally difficult to read because I was so distracted by the technicalities within the text.
Overall, the information is wonderful, but the delivery has been poorly executed and seems rushed. I hope that the author can make the necessary changes/updates so that her message can be well received; she's on the right track.
December 9, 2025
I really loved this book and thought it gave such helpful and compassionate advice to folks who have been neglected and/or abandoned by their parents. Gillis talks about the particular pain and shame of this experience, using examples. She talks about how this can manifest in your adult relationships, triggers that can occur and feelings that often come up. Lastly she gives tips for moving forward. I’m not disparaging the wildly popular “adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” but I actually liked this book a wee bit better. So if you are all in on Gibson’s book about immature parents, you should also add Gillis’ book to your shelf. These are great companion books since immature parents often DO abandon and neglect. Oh, and she also has a little guide in the back for how to be an ally & support to someone else going through this experience. An excellent book that deserves more exposure.
April 21, 2025
Kaytlyn Gillis describes with compassion and clarity the trauma and impact of parental abandonment - a form of relational trauma with unique characteristics and challenges. Gillis provides a roadmap for healing through clear explanation of what parental abandonment is, the impact on the child (whether youth or adult) when the "parental contract" is broken, and the steps to healing so that those who have suffered this form of trauma can find peace, wholeness and self worth; something we all deserve. Readers of this book will undoubtedly feel seen and understood, and find hope and encouragement for their healing.
March 19, 2025
I loved this book! Even as a therapist, I have to admit I never thought of parental abandonment and neglect as its own particular trauma, different in many ways from other traumas. Well, was I wrong! Gillis is an expert and excellent writer, taking readers on a journey of discovery and empowerment with a caring, supportive voice. It's as if she is personally speaking to you one-on-one, and/or holding you hand along the way. She titrates difficult information at just the right pace, leading her audience through knowledge, acceptance, and then healing. Beautifully done!
March 17, 2025
I loved this compassionate and wise self-help book for those who've suffered parental abandonment and neglect. Kaytee Gillis writes with the warm understanding of a survivor of childhood trauma combined with the wisdom of an experienced psychotherapist. She offers tangible tools for overcoming shame, self-blame, abandonment fears, and more. Packed into a small, easy-to-read package, Ms. Gillis has written a gem of a book I have already recommended to many patients.
April 25, 2025
Kaytee’s personal and professional experience with parental abandonment and neglect not only informs the reader but decreases the sense of isolation these experiences create. Her clinical knowledge and practical strategies are extremely helpful and insightful. I look forward to utilizing her useful exercises with my clients in my therapy practice, as I have so many coming in with these experiences.
May 6, 2025
I’ve been reading a lot of books in this category and this is the best I’ve read. It’s clear and comprehensive. It’s easy to read and easy to understand. This book has helped me better analyze my past experiences and consider ways I can improve my current mental health. Having read this, I have a lot to think about it and I have a sense of a positive way forward. I’m grateful I found it and I highly recommend it. I’ve already been recommending it to loved ones.
February 21, 2025
Got my copy early from Amazon, before the release date, and I devoured it in like two days. This is a book that i NEEDED at this time, and it is such an asset to the survivor community. I recommend!!!
May 14, 2025
Finally this form of trauma is being addressed!
January 26, 2025
As a complex trauma psychotherapist, I was honored to receive an advanced copy of this book. Finally, trauma survivors have a relatable and easy-to-understand book about one of the most misunderstood and ignored complex trauma experiences: parental neglect and abandonment. Gillis provides empathy, validation, and practical tools. I'll be recommending this to my trauma survivor clients.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews