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The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: Overcome the Push and Pull of Different Attachment Styles in Your Relationship and Build Lasting Connection
A powerful guide to help you and your partner build true and lasting connection.
Do you and your partner have different needs when it comes to your relationship? Perhaps you desire more intimacy and reassurance, while they value independence and tend to keep you at arm's length. Or maybe you feel “trapped,” while they act “clingy?” If this sounds familiar, you and your partner may have differing ways of relating to one another, often shaped by past experiences and needs.
Written by a relationship specialist, this book offers practical strategies to help you break free from toxic push-pull dynamics. It focuses on building healthy communication, security, and a deeper connection with your partner. Through clear insights and actionable steps, this guide will help you understand your relationship patterns and foster a healthier, and more fulfilling connection.
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap will show you and your partner how to gain a better understanding of each other, so you can improve communication, avoid emotional reactions, and bring joy back into your relationship.
With this compassionate guide, you will:
• Discover how attachment styles are formed in childhood
• Learn about the three “core wounds” of attachment trauma
• Recognize signs of anxious or avoidant attachment in adulthood
• Develop skills to respond to your partner while reducing emotional reactions
Fostering a deeper connection with your partner encourages recognizing your own unique attachment style and specific needs—as well as your partner’s. The tools in this self-help guide will help you both heal your invisible wounds—so you can build a bond together that truly stands the test of time.
Do you and your partner have different needs when it comes to your relationship? Perhaps you desire more intimacy and reassurance, while they value independence and tend to keep you at arm's length. Or maybe you feel “trapped,” while they act “clingy?” If this sounds familiar, you and your partner may have differing ways of relating to one another, often shaped by past experiences and needs.
Written by a relationship specialist, this book offers practical strategies to help you break free from toxic push-pull dynamics. It focuses on building healthy communication, security, and a deeper connection with your partner. Through clear insights and actionable steps, this guide will help you understand your relationship patterns and foster a healthier, and more fulfilling connection.
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap will show you and your partner how to gain a better understanding of each other, so you can improve communication, avoid emotional reactions, and bring joy back into your relationship.
With this compassionate guide, you will:
• Discover how attachment styles are formed in childhood
• Learn about the three “core wounds” of attachment trauma
• Recognize signs of anxious or avoidant attachment in adulthood
• Develop skills to respond to your partner while reducing emotional reactions
Fostering a deeper connection with your partner encourages recognizing your own unique attachment style and specific needs—as well as your partner’s. The tools in this self-help guide will help you both heal your invisible wounds—so you can build a bond together that truly stands the test of time.
- GenresNonfictionPsychology
191 pages, Kindle Edition
Published August 1, 2025
8 people are currently reading
2151 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
May 25, 2025
Not my usual read, as I usually review fiction, but I thought I'd try something new.
A huge thank you to Netgalley and New Harbinger Publications for providing me with an e-ARC in exchange for an honest review. 💜
This was such an insightful and approachable read on attachment styles, especially for anyone navigating an anxious-avoidant dynamic in their relationship.
The author breaks down complex patterns, such as fear of intimacy, misaligned communication, and core insecurities in a way that’s easy to digest, with self-assessments and real-life examples woven throughout.
What stood out to me most was how clearly the book explains where our attachment insecurities come from, often tracing them back to childhood and how they continue to shape the way we connect with others. Even if you already know your attachment style, this book offers deeper insight and practical tools for moving toward more secure connections.
Having experienced an anxious-avoidant relationship myself, I found a lot of the reflections in this book valuable and I think it's a great starting point for anyone wanting to better understand themselves, their partner, and how to shift those push-pull patterns into something healthier and more stable.
A huge thank you to Netgalley and New Harbinger Publications for providing me with an e-ARC in exchange for an honest review. 💜
This was such an insightful and approachable read on attachment styles, especially for anyone navigating an anxious-avoidant dynamic in their relationship.
The author breaks down complex patterns, such as fear of intimacy, misaligned communication, and core insecurities in a way that’s easy to digest, with self-assessments and real-life examples woven throughout.
What stood out to me most was how clearly the book explains where our attachment insecurities come from, often tracing them back to childhood and how they continue to shape the way we connect with others. Even if you already know your attachment style, this book offers deeper insight and practical tools for moving toward more secure connections.
Having experienced an anxious-avoidant relationship myself, I found a lot of the reflections in this book valuable and I think it's a great starting point for anyone wanting to better understand themselves, their partner, and how to shift those push-pull patterns into something healthier and more stable.
August 24, 2025
Useful framing of relationship issues
I gained insight about the many different relationships in my life and gained some useful tools for addressing them. Its easy to read and understand.
I gained insight about the many different relationships in my life and gained some useful tools for addressing them. Its easy to read and understand.
October 18, 2025
I wish I’d discovered this book sooner. While I was already somewhat familiar with attachment theory, this was the first intro to the “anxious-avoidant trap” that I’ve read. It clarified the dynamic for me, helped making sense of my own recent experience with it, and offered actionable advice as well as room for self-reflection and more importantly improvement. A worthwhile read, though at times not as in-depth as I’d hoped.
July 30, 2025
Informative book about anxious and avoidant attachment styles in relationships. I do wish there was more information on the styles on their own vs how they come into play together, but this was mainly about relationships. Pretty solid read regardless.
Thank you NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Thank you NetGalley for providing me with an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
July 24, 2025
THE ANXIOUS--AVOIDANT TRAP: OVERCOME THE PUSH AND PULL OF DIFFERENT ATTACHMENT STYLES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND BUILD LASTING CONNECTION.
BY: ANNIE TANASUGARN, PhD.
Attachment Theory is becoming more and more prominent in PSYCHOLOGY, even though it was discovered or pioneered in the 1950's, by John Bowlby. It is a new way of in the last eight years to foster connections by first learning your own ATTACHMENT STYLE, and also helpful to recognize the four different ATTACHMENT STYLES, of others so that our relationships can be healthy. This book was insightful in its main focus of reducing the push-pull dynamics of the ANXIOUS--AVOIDANT TRAP. This is not new information to me, but I am going to list the two that are heavily focused here.
This was offering ways for these two Attachment Styles, the ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE, and the AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE, which both are INSECURE styles that are developed when we are infants and children where for too many to list in this review of how our caregivers didn't meet our needs. They can be for many reasons, and she makes it clear it's not about blaming our parents, but for whatever reasons this book goes into these two insecure ways that are formed in childhood and then carried forward in our romantic relationships.
We all want to be more SECURE, and the SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE, is the healthiest way we all strive to be as moving towards which this books thesis is full of tools if we use them we can put into practice to move towards the lottery winning Secure Attachment, which those whose caregivers where attuned to our needs this is the healthier Attachment Style, which means that from what I read it's usually passed down from our caregivers parents, and this book didn't get five stars from me because it mostly has to do with one romantic partner being Avoidant who is in a relationship with an Anxious, which the good news is that this is a common combination that is explained with self assessment tests to identify your Attachment Style, and ideally your partner will work through this book with you, but it's not necessary. It had some comprehensive explanations of how if we are going to improve we would need to journal, and use paper and pen answer questions which would take most of these common sense personality traits that the author calls tools to self examine if we already do them she gives prompts to write down when you didn't do these common sense behaviors, what was the outcome, and how we can use them in the future. This would have been better if she didn't just focus on Anxious and Avoidant combinations, since these two Attachment styles, also pick partners who have Secure Attachment Style partner combinations.
I'm going to explain the differences in Anxious Attachment Styles and Avoidant Attachment Styles which Anxious people tend to fear rejection, abandonment, clinging or needy and they can be selfish without being self aware but basically the Anxious people are the ones who require more closeness which they can smother their Avoidant partner who fears being engulfed, needs more space, are more likely to walk away or any distancing behaviors. You can see how the Anxious one can easily scare their Avoidant partner away which these behaviors are problematic because they are acted out in the extreme extent. Since we all want to feel connected to others the secure person person longs for connection, but don't need to be constantly reassured like the Anxious. The secure person has self love and enter into relationships for connection, but the Anxious people don'r tend to be capable of meeting their own needs and look for their mate to give them constant reassurance to feel a sense of well being. The Avoidant is the opposite extreme in fear of getting too close they fear they'll lose their autonomy. They are too self reliant, independent out of fear. However, I happen to already know that the Anxious and Avoidant are a common combination since they are drawn towards each other both in the push--pull dynamic that seems counterintuitive since they have many conflicts. There's one person who wants too much closeness, and the other partner wants that too but can't attain it by fear of losing themselves. That is why it's often referred to as the Anxious--Avoidant trap. The Secure person has many of the same traits, but don't need it from their partner to feel content because they are more of the happy medium instead of extremes. They choose connection self equipped with feeling that they seek connection but don't look for their partner to give them their security since they are not looking for their partner to meet all their need. They are able to seek connection in a naturally healthier way of seeking connection already raised by their parents to choose companionship for some needs, but they don't look to their spouse for all their needs since they relate in moderation. They can feel that sense of contentment in how they attach without fear, or they trust others, are able to attach without feat of intimacy, they don't carry any childhood attachment wounds since their caregivers met their needs. One thing that would have been beneficial for this Author to include is that they sometimes have heartbreak, if they pick an avoidant partner and get abandoned or rejected with feeling insecure because they didn't realize that they picked an Avoidant partner who left them confused or feeling guilty for the breakup. That's why it is important to educate yourself in Attachment Theory.
One thing I emphasize is that you will recognize Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles just reading this through without answering the Chapter Questions, or writing about it since the whole book focuses on how they develop in early life and carry their core Attachment wounds looking for their Romantic partners to meet those unmet needs. She discusses toxic relationships, trauma bonding and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but brings up that only a Mental health Professional can diagnose it. She does give some clues to recognize it, but I agree with her that term is over used by today's population by people who don't have psychological experience as clinicians who are the only ones qualified to use that personality disorder label. Also Avoidant Attachment Style individuals are sometimes mislabeled Narcissists since they resemble each other. But one is an Avoidant Attachment Style not a personality disorder.
For the sake of brevity since this is a review it would be impossible to include everything she covers so my suggestion is to recommend this to you if you have some prior knowledge in Attachment Theory. It is a good idea to educate yourself about it, since it's becoming more widely understood and when I learned about it in College it is now the forefront of many ways to solve conflict through an Attachment lens. I wouldn't start with this one if you are brand new since it narrowly focuses on just romantic relationships of an Anxious Attachment Style with an Avoidant Attachment Style. Which the above title correctly labels it as a "Trap." The strength of the book is that if you find yourself in that push, pull dynamic she has written a scientific research based self help book teaching you the tools with how to guide the relationship towards a more Secure base. Honestly, it would require a long time to do all of the questions thoroughly at the end of each Chapter. She does include an in depth approach, but it requires more dedication than the average person is going to want to commit unless you are already a Clinician with wanting to work with couples who are both dedicated towards self awareness and self reflection. I'm very grateful to both the Author, and New Harbinger for providing me with an early ARC, because it is very well researched within the narrative with the studies including who the Author's names, and dates that back up the information Dr. Annie Tanasugarn's credits the sources with who published the information she seamlessly drew her data from them. I can't give her enough praise for how well written, and accessible her informative self help tools, vignettes, and a host of well defined terms she masterfully accomplished. I'm definitely going to reread this, and refer back to it, often.
Publication Date: August 1, 2025
Thank you to Net Galley, Annie Tanasugarn, and New Harbinger Publications for generously providing me with my Spectacular ARC, in exchange for a fair and honest review. All opinions are my own, as always.
#TheAnxiousAvoidantTrap #AnnieTanasugarn #NewHarbingerPublications #NetGalley
BY: ANNIE TANASUGARN, PhD.
Attachment Theory is becoming more and more prominent in PSYCHOLOGY, even though it was discovered or pioneered in the 1950's, by John Bowlby. It is a new way of in the last eight years to foster connections by first learning your own ATTACHMENT STYLE, and also helpful to recognize the four different ATTACHMENT STYLES, of others so that our relationships can be healthy. This book was insightful in its main focus of reducing the push-pull dynamics of the ANXIOUS--AVOIDANT TRAP. This is not new information to me, but I am going to list the two that are heavily focused here.
This was offering ways for these two Attachment Styles, the ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE, and the AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE, which both are INSECURE styles that are developed when we are infants and children where for too many to list in this review of how our caregivers didn't meet our needs. They can be for many reasons, and she makes it clear it's not about blaming our parents, but for whatever reasons this book goes into these two insecure ways that are formed in childhood and then carried forward in our romantic relationships.
We all want to be more SECURE, and the SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE, is the healthiest way we all strive to be as moving towards which this books thesis is full of tools if we use them we can put into practice to move towards the lottery winning Secure Attachment, which those whose caregivers where attuned to our needs this is the healthier Attachment Style, which means that from what I read it's usually passed down from our caregivers parents, and this book didn't get five stars from me because it mostly has to do with one romantic partner being Avoidant who is in a relationship with an Anxious, which the good news is that this is a common combination that is explained with self assessment tests to identify your Attachment Style, and ideally your partner will work through this book with you, but it's not necessary. It had some comprehensive explanations of how if we are going to improve we would need to journal, and use paper and pen answer questions which would take most of these common sense personality traits that the author calls tools to self examine if we already do them she gives prompts to write down when you didn't do these common sense behaviors, what was the outcome, and how we can use them in the future. This would have been better if she didn't just focus on Anxious and Avoidant combinations, since these two Attachment styles, also pick partners who have Secure Attachment Style partner combinations.
I'm going to explain the differences in Anxious Attachment Styles and Avoidant Attachment Styles which Anxious people tend to fear rejection, abandonment, clinging or needy and they can be selfish without being self aware but basically the Anxious people are the ones who require more closeness which they can smother their Avoidant partner who fears being engulfed, needs more space, are more likely to walk away or any distancing behaviors. You can see how the Anxious one can easily scare their Avoidant partner away which these behaviors are problematic because they are acted out in the extreme extent. Since we all want to feel connected to others the secure person person longs for connection, but don't need to be constantly reassured like the Anxious. The secure person has self love and enter into relationships for connection, but the Anxious people don'r tend to be capable of meeting their own needs and look for their mate to give them constant reassurance to feel a sense of well being. The Avoidant is the opposite extreme in fear of getting too close they fear they'll lose their autonomy. They are too self reliant, independent out of fear. However, I happen to already know that the Anxious and Avoidant are a common combination since they are drawn towards each other both in the push--pull dynamic that seems counterintuitive since they have many conflicts. There's one person who wants too much closeness, and the other partner wants that too but can't attain it by fear of losing themselves. That is why it's often referred to as the Anxious--Avoidant trap. The Secure person has many of the same traits, but don't need it from their partner to feel content because they are more of the happy medium instead of extremes. They choose connection self equipped with feeling that they seek connection but don't look for their partner to give them their security since they are not looking for their partner to meet all their need. They are able to seek connection in a naturally healthier way of seeking connection already raised by their parents to choose companionship for some needs, but they don't look to their spouse for all their needs since they relate in moderation. They can feel that sense of contentment in how they attach without fear, or they trust others, are able to attach without feat of intimacy, they don't carry any childhood attachment wounds since their caregivers met their needs. One thing that would have been beneficial for this Author to include is that they sometimes have heartbreak, if they pick an avoidant partner and get abandoned or rejected with feeling insecure because they didn't realize that they picked an Avoidant partner who left them confused or feeling guilty for the breakup. That's why it is important to educate yourself in Attachment Theory.
One thing I emphasize is that you will recognize Anxious and Avoidant Attachment Styles just reading this through without answering the Chapter Questions, or writing about it since the whole book focuses on how they develop in early life and carry their core Attachment wounds looking for their Romantic partners to meet those unmet needs. She discusses toxic relationships, trauma bonding and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but brings up that only a Mental health Professional can diagnose it. She does give some clues to recognize it, but I agree with her that term is over used by today's population by people who don't have psychological experience as clinicians who are the only ones qualified to use that personality disorder label. Also Avoidant Attachment Style individuals are sometimes mislabeled Narcissists since they resemble each other. But one is an Avoidant Attachment Style not a personality disorder.
For the sake of brevity since this is a review it would be impossible to include everything she covers so my suggestion is to recommend this to you if you have some prior knowledge in Attachment Theory. It is a good idea to educate yourself about it, since it's becoming more widely understood and when I learned about it in College it is now the forefront of many ways to solve conflict through an Attachment lens. I wouldn't start with this one if you are brand new since it narrowly focuses on just romantic relationships of an Anxious Attachment Style with an Avoidant Attachment Style. Which the above title correctly labels it as a "Trap." The strength of the book is that if you find yourself in that push, pull dynamic she has written a scientific research based self help book teaching you the tools with how to guide the relationship towards a more Secure base. Honestly, it would require a long time to do all of the questions thoroughly at the end of each Chapter. She does include an in depth approach, but it requires more dedication than the average person is going to want to commit unless you are already a Clinician with wanting to work with couples who are both dedicated towards self awareness and self reflection. I'm very grateful to both the Author, and New Harbinger for providing me with an early ARC, because it is very well researched within the narrative with the studies including who the Author's names, and dates that back up the information Dr. Annie Tanasugarn's credits the sources with who published the information she seamlessly drew her data from them. I can't give her enough praise for how well written, and accessible her informative self help tools, vignettes, and a host of well defined terms she masterfully accomplished. I'm definitely going to reread this, and refer back to it, often.
Publication Date: August 1, 2025
Thank you to Net Galley, Annie Tanasugarn, and New Harbinger Publications for generously providing me with my Spectacular ARC, in exchange for a fair and honest review. All opinions are my own, as always.
#TheAnxiousAvoidantTrap #AnnieTanasugarn #NewHarbingerPublications #NetGalley
August 19, 2025
This book is a rare gem in the overcrowded attachment book space. It refuses to point fingers at avoidants as being cold or broken as many attachment books out there often do. Dr. Tanasugarn's book offers a deeply compassionate, clear-eyed look at both anxious and avoidant attachment without blame or shame. What makes it stand out even more is that it doesn’t just toss a bunch of positive thinking at you and send you on your way. It delivers genuinely useful tools you can apply whether you’re currently in a relationship or reflecting on a past one. Dr. Tanasugarn’s approach is intelligent, practical, and validating, whether you’re trying to heal, grow, or just understand your patterns. This book isn’t just theory but a map to a more secure future, and it actually respects the complexity of human relationships. If you’re tired of attachment guides that oversimplify or shame, this one offers the clarity, compassion, and tools you’ve been looking for.
November 7, 2025
Really good book and I like how the author explains attachment being caused by childhood. I agree that this book has many exercises which I think is what makes it stand out from other books as a good thing. And it doesn't make avoidant attachment seem like another narcissist like many other books have.
October 15, 2025
Dr.Tanasugarn gives clear, compassionate insights and many tools that can build deeper connection. There are a lot of exercises which are great for self awareness and insight into your relationship. However, anyone looking for a quick fix or shortcut probably won't be willing to put in the effort. The bottom line is you get out what you put in.
November 29, 2025
This book was really easy to understand even for someone who doesn't know much about attachment theory. It made me realize why I react the way I do in relationships and gave me tools to respond differently.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews