The Mourning Handbook: The Most Comprehensive Resource Offering Practical and Compassionate Advice on Coping with All Aspects of Death and Dying

by Helen Fitzgerald

Helen Fitzgerald, author of The Grieving Child, has compiled a guide to help readers practically and emotionally grieve the death of loved ones.

No one should be left to grieve alone. Even with the help of friends and family, grieving the death of a loved one can be a complex, sometimes overwhelming, process. The Mourning Handbook is written as a companion to those mourners in need of practical and emotional assistance during the trying times before and after the death of a loved one.

Having counseled thousands of people who have experienced loss, Helen Fitzgerald gives special attention to the complex emotions that can accompany especially traumatic situations, such as when a loved one has been murdered, when there have been multiple deaths, when a body has not been recovered, or when the mourner has been the inadvertent cause of death.

Designed to conform to the special needs of the bereaved, The Mourning Handbook is written and organized in an accessible style punctuated by real stories of people who have experienced every kind of loss. With many subchapters and cross references, it can be consulted for a specific problem or read at length.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1994

About the author

For the thriller author, see Helen Fitzgerald

Reviews

[Scott Holstad · Rating 4 out of 5]

I got this book a couple of weeks ago because my father just died a few weeks ago. I got several grief recovery books and I think this one was the best of the bunch. It's pretty comprehensive and easy to read, and it's divided up into chunks so that you can go to a section that deals with your particular issues at the moment. It doesn't have to be read cover to cover (although I did that). Among some of the helpful issues it addresses is denial ("Don't try to fool yourself into thinking that you can avoid the process of grief."), anger ("You may be angry at yourself for what you may have said or not said, or for not responding calmly or quickly enough, or for being healthy and alive." It then gives tips on dealing with anger.), and more. One section that was helpful for me was the death of a parent when you're an adult. For many people, this signifies the loss of your childhood, the loss of unconditional love, the loss of a certain sense of security, the loss of a friend as well as a parent, the loss of financial support, and more. Although there's not a lot of coping strategies the author provides here (which I think is a weakness of the book), it's good to see some issues I'm facing are the same ones faced by others who lose parents. That helps. The book further goes on to advise people not to make major decisions for quite awhile, which is something I've seen repeated elsewhere. It gives many reasons not to do so and they make sense. Another helpful section for me was on witnessing a death, particularly if it's a sudden or violent death (such as my father's). It was highly traumatizing, and the book advises seeking the help of a professional, but doesn't give too many other strategies, a continued weakness of the book.

Toward the end of the book, there's a section titled "You Know You Are Getting Better When..." and it provides a list of things you can do or will do which indicate improvement in your life. These include looking forward to holidays, reviewing both pleasant and unpleasant memories, driving by yourself without crying, when you no longer feel tired all the time, when you can concentrate on a book or favorite television program, etc. In reading this list, I've come to the conclusion that while I'm still grieving, I am improving, so that's good.

I'm going to contrast this book to one I didn't really find too helpful -- The Grief Recovery Handbook by James and Friedman. It's a pretty harsh book to read, often telling the reader that what one hears or feels is distorted, such as guilt, etc. There were some helpful things, but overall it had an unsympathetic tone which didn't resonate with me. The Mourning Handbook had a much more nurturing feel to it and I appreciated that.

It's a shame that anybody has to read such books at all, but I guess it's a process of life most of us have to deal with at some point, so I'm glad I discovered this book. I'd recommend this book for anyone who's experienced a death by a family member or even a friend. It's a good resource and I'm glad I read it.

[Katrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book! Favorite parts:
"Time will heal" is a common saying. Part of it is true, and part is myth. Time will aid in recovery from grief, but it is time that needs to be used well. Time spent frantically running from grief--traveling, perhaps, or visiting relatives, keeping ever busy with never a moment to think about one's loss will not help. Eventually, you will run out of places to go or things to do, and at that point you will have to face the void created by the death of your loved one. On the other hand, if you use your time to mourn your loss, to adjust to a different kind of life, and to get acquainted with your now somewhat altered (maybe greatly altered) identity, healing will occur faster.
You may feel that your grief is unique. You are right, it is unique; the circumstances of your life will make it so. There is no standard recipe for grief that will apply to your situation.
However, there are factors that will influence the length of your grief, and you can gain some reassurance from knowing what they are. Pg. 33


Visiting a dying friend or loved one has several purposes. It is a way of conveying your love and support. It is also a way to say good-bye, something that is important to both of you. It can comfort your loved one and aid you in your grief. It is a time to put closure on the relationship you have with that person. Pg. 49


saying good-bye doesn't have to be, "Good-bye, I won't be seeing you again." Putting closure on the life you had with your loved one may simply involve reminiscing, talking about the good times you had together, looking through photographs, or even running some old family movies, hugs Pg.50


Learn to be a good listener. Silence really is golden at times like this. You may feel pressure to carry on an animated conversation, but this may not be what your loved one wants or needs. Relax and observe him or her. There are occasions when I have found it helpful to have some knitting with me, allowing me to keep occupied while sitting quietly by the bedside. Bringing a book to read might also be a good idea. Pg.50

Not all families are comfortable talking about serious things.
This may be a skill that you and your loved one haven't devel-oped. Here are some suggestions that may be helpful.
Ask questions that require more than a "yes or no" answer.
Use conversation "encouragers" such as: "Tell me more," "I see," "um-hum," "and then," and
"yes-s-s."
Avoid conversation stoppers like interrupting the per-son, standing up, changing the subject, finishing the sentence for the speaker, and looking bored.
Look for ways to respond to difficult questions, such as
"Am I going to die?" by turning them into questions of your own, such as, "What do you think?" This is an invitation to your loved one to say what he or she is thinking about.
Look for topics to talk about that have a common interest for both of you, such as football, a particular book or movie, old photographs, an item in the news, or a hobby.
Take special note of your body language. Are you sitting comfortably in a chair, or are you perched on the edge of it ready to run? Are you not sitting at all but pacing around the room looking for an escape? Are you looking directly at your loved one, maintaining eye contact, or are your eyes darting around the room making it difficult for anyone to talk to you? Think about what your facial expressions must be. Do you look interested in what is being said, or are you wearing a bored, anxious, or angry look? Your body language can either help or hinder the communication between the two of you.
Touching is very soothing. I like to be touched and have often told my present husband that I could tolerate dying if he could be running his fingers through my hair.
However, not everyone is accustomed to touching and may find the stroking of one's arm awkward. If you are a person who likes to touch or hug but are not sure whether the ill person feels the same way, you might try a test run. First of all find out if touching is going to be painful in any way; with some illnesses even a light touch hurts. Then reach out and lightly touch the person's arm and look for a response. If the person pulls away, you can assume he or she doesn't want to be touched. However, the opposite is more commonly the case, and touching will enrich the experience for both of you.
• Give the patient some control of your visit. Often a patient is trapped in his or her bed, unable to get up and leave, and is subject to long, tiring visits and boring conversations. Call first and ask if the person is feeling up for a visit; ask if you can bring him or her something from the "outside world." Ask how long of a visit your loved one or friend would like to avoid getting tired. (The visit can always be extended if the patient wishes it.) When you arrive, ask again if the person is up for a visit, as he or she might have tired in the meantime. Also, keep a close eye on the person's body language: Is he or she in pain? Is the person restless, signaling that he or she may be anxious for you to leave? I remember a dying patient who gave me a cue to leave when he asked me to dial the phone for him and then proceeded to talk to a friend on the phone- a direct clue that our visit was over. By observing the person you can better decide when to leave. Pg.51-52

We are all different, unique individuals coping with life as best we can. Pg.73

You may be feeling that you are losing your mind; it's a common feeling. You may be wondering if you will ever return to
"normal." Since I have gone through this experience myself and worked with thousands of others who have struggled with their grief, I can assure you that you will return to normal if you allow yourself to face up to your loss, to accept the reality of your situation, and to mourn the death of your loved one. However, it may be a different "normal" from what you knew in the past, in part because life does not stand still, what is normal in one period of our lives ceases to be normal in another. When you are grieving you may find that you are having a hard time remembering things. You may walk into the kitchen to get a pair of scissors and not remember what it was you went there to get. Or you may start to make some point to a friend and then forget what it was. You may miss dates and appointments. If this is happening to you, I suggest that you obtain a small notebook that you can carry with you to record things you don't want to forget. As long as your grief retains its grip on you, don't rely on your memory, because being forgetful will only make you feel inadequate and embarrassed. Your memory will return in time to its usual level of functioning. You may find it hard to concentrate during your grief. Watching your favorite TV program may be difficult, and reading a book out of the question.
You also may find it difficult to perform as well as you have in the past. Have patience with yourself and know that it may be some weeks before you will be working at your old speed again. Pg.74

"Time will heal" is a phrase we often hear, often from those who have never experienced grief. It is based on the false idea that you can bypass the pain of grief. Time does heal, but only if you use it to mourn your loss. Pg.79


When a loved one dies, leaving you lonely and afraid of what your future will bring, you have every reason to be angry. You don't have to apologize about that; it's okay to be angry. What's not okay is taking your anger out unfairly on yourself or others. Pg.86

If you can spot the early signs of anger, you may be able to discharge it before it gets you into trouble. The question is, what are those early signs? How do you know you are getting angry?
Think about past occasions when you have become angry.
Can you recall what happened first? When I begin to get angry, I usually start to cry, which can be embarrassing at times, but it helps to know that I am not feeling sad but instead I am mad!
Where do you feel it first? Is it a tightness in your neck? Do you start perspiring? Does your head hurt? Are your fists clenched?
Do you grind your teeth? Do you become irritated at ordinary things? Try to become familiar with your anger. The more you know about it and understand it the more control you will have over it, and the more able you will be to express it appropriately. Now think about how you have expressed your anger in the past. What kinds of things have you done that have not worked? Snapping at people? Turning sullen? Slamming doors and kicking the furniture? Insulting your friends? Making unjust accusations? Driving carelessly? Drinking excessively? Taking drugs? Allowing yourself to become depressed?
Also pay attention to the good ways that you have expressed anger and continue using those techniques. But don't count suppressing your anger as good; that won't work. Anger creates energy that must be released. In keeping with that thought, think about physical things you can do that will help you expend some energy when you begin to feel angry. These might include brisk walking; any sport, hitting a punching bag, cleaning your house; or engaging in crafts. Even taking a time out and counting to ten will help. Or letting your arms relax, taking several deep breaths Pg.89


don't forget the good things you did do in your relationship with the deceased. So often when you are feeling guilty, that feeling is so powerful that it overwhelms you. Spend time thinking about some of the positive things that went on. Do this task now while you are in the frame of mind to seek help. Write these things down on a piece of paper and put this list somewhere that you can find it easily. Don't forget those good things you did or said; Pg.96

(Life)is the most precious commodity one can steal and the greatest loss one can suffer. Pg.132

Pages 249-250 were helpful to me and can apply to the loss of a loved one in all forms.

you are who you are whether or not you are involved in a special relationship with a member of the opposite sex. Nice as it is to have that reinforcement, your sexuality doesn't depend on anyone else. Pg.261

First, fully understand how you feel about sex. Are you comfortable with casual sex? Or do you consider lovemaking a form of commitment? Are you likely to feel guilty about it the next morning? Once you have a clear idea of your morals and values it will be easier to set your guidelines.
Try to stay away from situations where your actions might be interpreted incorrectly, such as accepting a solo dinner invitation at someone's home a week after you met. If you can, have a conversation early in your relationship on the subject of sex. Be as clear as possible. The other person can then decide whether she or he wants to continue with the relationship. Good relationships will not suffer from such openness. If you ever feel yourself being pushed in a direction you do not like, let your partner know that you are not comfortable with what is hap-pening. One woman whose new boyfriend kept pressing her for sex in spite of her frequent refusals finally told him, "It's time for you to go home. You are wasting my time, and I am obviously wasting yours." Pg.262

Pages 264-266 have great advice on what to discuss BEFORE marriage.

[Sharon Bromberg · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very comprehensive book with a super helpful table of contents. Especially helpful: "how to help yourself" and "when to be concerned" sections.
The book is a bit dated, especially in its approach to AIDS and LGBTQ.

[Miriam · Rating 4 out of 5]

A pragmatic manual that offers some very useful information and perspective for loss of all sorts. I recommend it. It's set up so that you can read only the parts you need, not to read from beginning to end.

[Linsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Outdated but solid advice. It was well divided that I could skip around the parts that weren't relevant. Even had a small part on the death of a pet.

[Kymberlie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be very comprehensive, including many different types of grief and the various stages of grief depending on the circumstances. Often times, grief from a sudden death is different from grief of an anticipated death. Grief from loss of a child, friend, parent or someone else close is different from grief from loss of someone estranged to you. As unique as the circumstances may be, there are so many similarities as well. This book covers anticipatory grief, sudden / unexpected death, long illness, death of a parent or a child, and suicide.

It's not the type of book that most would read cover-to-cover, but rather use the table of contents or index to read the pieces most applicable to their circumstances. I read it cover-to-cover because that's just the kind of person I am.

I found this book to help me understand that what I was going through during my mom's illness was a normal process (anticipatory grief) and it even helped prepare me for the grief I would experience when I was faced with her death. It's not just for reading after losing a loved one, but even to read when you know someone who has lost a loved one or if you ar preparing to lose a loved one.

[Stacy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was the only one that helped me after the unexpected death of a close friend of mine. This book examines literally every aspect of death and how it affects the grief process. It also examines the death of every possible relationship you may encounter in your lifetime; from your parents, to friends, to pets. It's written simply; the author acknowledges that during times of grief, the attention span is short and disjointed, so she tries to make entries as short as possible while still getting the information across. This book was extremely helpful to me in a very hard time in my life, and I am very thankful for it.

[Charlotte Falkner · Rating 2 out of 5]

When the cover says, "The Most Comprehensive Resource" of course I am skeptical. But damn if it isn't pretty close to the mark. It ranges all over. Many mention of AIDS but not many other, specific illnesses. This book is easy to read and breaks things down in a simple, matter of fact way, something that is important when your grief lowers your attention span to zero. I wish more information about pets was included, though.

[Karyn Wynne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing. Perfect. I have been reading this since my husband died in November 2009, through the death of my Dad in January 2011 (after a 3 month bed ridden illness). It addresses everything!!! Tragically, I no longer own it, the woman I gave it to, who's mother is dying, was killed in a car crash.
I recommend it to anyone who is facing, has faced, is in any way presented with, death or dying!

[Toni · Rating 4 out of 5]

I HIGHLY recommend this book to anyone dealing with death and dying. There are a lot of practical things -- like arranging a funeral -- but many helpful stories and reminders, too. I jokingly referred to it as "my death for dummies" book.

[Kristine (fezabel) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book after losing my father a few weeks ago. I have found it to be a helpful resource and a comfort. The author uses simple language and short sections. The sections are divided so that a person can easily find the topic most needed without reading the enitre book. Highly recommended.

[Theresa Garton · Rating 5 out of 5]

A comprehensive guide through the mourning process. This book was a great comfort and resource for me after I lost my husband. I have recommended it to many others. You may not use all of it, but that doesn't discount the value it can still provide

[Katherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

With the death of both of my parents, so close together, I NEEDED this book. 2 years later, I still pick it up for guidance when I get in a low point in my grief cycle. Highly recommended to anyone who has lost a loved one.

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't find this book to be terribly helpful; in an attempt to be truly comprehensive, it is very general, and I didn't find anything new or insightful.

[Jen · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book did not help at all. It actually made me feel worse. Of course, I think anytime you make yourself focus on death-its not really going to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside.