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The Mother Code: My Story of Love, Loss, and the Myths That Shape Us
In this propulsive memoir, an award-winning journalist blends history, science, and cultural criticism, to uncover whether motherhood outside of society's rigid rules and expectations is possible—and whether she fits the mold for what a mother should be.
For so long, Ruthie Ackerman believed that the decision not to have children was a radical act. She'd grown up being told that she came from a long line of women who had abandoned their children. Plus, Ruthie feared she would pass on her half-brother’s rare genetic disorder. Haunted by this generational inheritance, she goes searching in the twists and turns of her DNA to decide once and for all whether she should become a mother. When a geneticist leaves her at a dead end, she chooses to marry a man who doesn’t want children—only to realize that, despite everything, she desperately does. When Ruthie’s strained marriage ends, her quest for a new vision of motherhood begins.
She eventually finds an image of radical motherhood where women have an opportunity to see their role not just as fulfilling but as powerful. This new mother code goes beyond children and focuses on actively working towards stronger communities and happier, less-stressed parents. But by the time Ruthie meets the right partner and is ready to have the baby she so desperately desires, she learns she can't use her own eggs. Now, Ruthie has to evolve this new mother code as she navigates the scientific, philosophical, and intimate questions about what it means to both create–and nurture–a life.
The Mother Code unravels how we’ve come to understand the institution of motherhood, offering a groundbreaking a new a mother code that goes beyond our blood lines and genetics, and instead, pushes us to embrace inheritance as the legacy we want to leave behind for those we love.
For so long, Ruthie Ackerman believed that the decision not to have children was a radical act. She'd grown up being told that she came from a long line of women who had abandoned their children. Plus, Ruthie feared she would pass on her half-brother’s rare genetic disorder. Haunted by this generational inheritance, she goes searching in the twists and turns of her DNA to decide once and for all whether she should become a mother. When a geneticist leaves her at a dead end, she chooses to marry a man who doesn’t want children—only to realize that, despite everything, she desperately does. When Ruthie’s strained marriage ends, her quest for a new vision of motherhood begins.
She eventually finds an image of radical motherhood where women have an opportunity to see their role not just as fulfilling but as powerful. This new mother code goes beyond children and focuses on actively working towards stronger communities and happier, less-stressed parents. But by the time Ruthie meets the right partner and is ready to have the baby she so desperately desires, she learns she can't use her own eggs. Now, Ruthie has to evolve this new mother code as she navigates the scientific, philosophical, and intimate questions about what it means to both create–and nurture–a life.
The Mother Code unravels how we’ve come to understand the institution of motherhood, offering a groundbreaking a new a mother code that goes beyond our blood lines and genetics, and instead, pushes us to embrace inheritance as the legacy we want to leave behind for those we love.
336 pages, Hardcover
Published May 6, 2025
40 people are currently reading
3165 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 47 reviews
October 23, 2025
Ruthie Ackerman is an American writer. Her 2025 memoir The Mother Code tells the story of how she went from being ambivalent about becoming a parent due to a tenuous relationship with her own mother and fear of having a child with a severe disability like her half-brother, to deciding in her late 30s that she did in fact want to be a parent and scrambling to find a compatible partner who was ready to have a baby ASAP, spending tens of thousands on fertility treatments, and ultimately giving birth to a child at the age of 42 via an egg donor (she had undergone a round of egg freezing in her mid-30s, but these unfortunately did not yield viable embryos when thawed and fertilized with her partner's sperm).
Ackerman spends a long time ruminating on her indecisions on existential questions in this book, to an extent that 1) I wish she had a science/medical background so she could have a better handle on these topics herself, and 2) I grew increasingly frustrated at the lack of more concise editing as the book wore on. I'm glad that Ackerman was able to become a parent like she wanted, though curbing her indecision and overthinking would have likely led to a much smoother and faster journey (and book).
Further reading:
The Big Freeze: A Reporter's Personal Journey into the World of Egg Freezing and the Quest to Control Our Fertility by Natalie Lampert - a deep dive into the world of egg freezing and how it's often not the solution it's cracked up to be (pun intended) | my review
My statistics:
Book 323 for 2025
Book 2249 cumulatively
Ackerman spends a long time ruminating on her indecisions on existential questions in this book, to an extent that 1) I wish she had a science/medical background so she could have a better handle on these topics herself, and 2) I grew increasingly frustrated at the lack of more concise editing as the book wore on. I'm glad that Ackerman was able to become a parent like she wanted, though curbing her indecision and overthinking would have likely led to a much smoother and faster journey (and book).
Further reading:
The Big Freeze: A Reporter's Personal Journey into the World of Egg Freezing and the Quest to Control Our Fertility by Natalie Lampert - a deep dive into the world of egg freezing and how it's often not the solution it's cracked up to be (pun intended) | my review
My statistics:
Book 323 for 2025
Book 2249 cumulatively
June 27, 2025
wow. just what I was craving to read without realizing. so very good
science and self reflection and how motherhood can be attainable, but also how it doesn’t have to be.
science and self reflection and how motherhood can be attainable, but also how it doesn’t have to be.
November 21, 2024
A really powerful memoir on motherhood and the “code” to both becoming and being a mother. I think this is a great read for anyone who is considering having children in the future, regardless of if they’ve previously given birth. The author talks about many different paths to conception, as well as the logistical, financial, social, mental, and emotional implications of each. While this is a memoir, many other memoirs and books are quoted which both adds validation to the author’s experience and defends the universality of the journey to define oneself as a mother.
Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.
Thanks to NetGalley for the ARC.
Read
January 21, 2025I enjoyed this vulnerable look into Ackerman’s journey to motherhood. I think women who are exploring different avenues to having children or those who have friends going through a hard time conceiving may find this book helpful.
Thank you Random House & Net Galley for an advanced copy of this book.
Thank you Random House & Net Galley for an advanced copy of this book.
January 30, 2025
A few things about this book intrigued me from just the cover and title: mother and the implication of genetics. Science is uncovering so much of how mother-child development impacts someone, such as how intergenerational trauma works, how the fetal stage affects us throughout our lives. This book was an excellent memoir that blends that scientific aspect with a personal story of the ways in which it has played out.
I only have two small critiques. Coming from someone familiar with genetics, I was slightly disappointed there wasn’t more science, but I am probably in the minority on that. At times, it felt like the past and present of her story were flipping back and forth too much to keep up with, but it still all tied together well in the end.
Finally, I commend Ackerman for writing such about such an emotional and intimate topic in such a raw fashion, not just about the pregnancy and birth, but the decisions, the regrets, and the uncertainties throughout her life that led her to her daughter.
Thank you to NetGalley for the advanced copy of this book.
I only have two small critiques. Coming from someone familiar with genetics, I was slightly disappointed there wasn’t more science, but I am probably in the minority on that. At times, it felt like the past and present of her story were flipping back and forth too much to keep up with, but it still all tied together well in the end.
Finally, I commend Ackerman for writing such about such an emotional and intimate topic in such a raw fashion, not just about the pregnancy and birth, but the decisions, the regrets, and the uncertainties throughout her life that led her to her daughter.
Thank you to NetGalley for the advanced copy of this book.
September 6, 2025
I love this book’s discussion of becoming the “outlaw mother,” of redefining the contours of motherhood and understanding that way YOU choose to do motherhood doesn’t have to look the same way others do it, or the way society makes you think it “should.” I also truly appreciate how vulnerable the author is in sharing the details of her personal story, which is certain to normalize the experience for women who find themselves in similar situations, as well as helping them feel less alone, which is invaluable.
However, I have a real problem with a very misleading sentence at the end of Chapter 23: “In cases of rheumatoid arthritis, an autoimmune condition that causes severe joint inflammation, fetal cells can help the mother’s body heal.” (Page 229)
In this chapter, she’s talking about the way fetal cells can migrate into the mother’s body, and how scientists are trying to understand the impact of this genetic transfer, which is a very interesting subject for sure. Some research does suggests that these fetal cells could contribute to tissue repair in the mother, and it is an interesting theory that might explain why some women with rheumatoid arthritis (current research suggests less than a third) DO experience remission while pregnant.
But the word “heal” (and the fact that this is a single sentence, with no follow-up explanation) is a big overgeneralization. The extent of the healing role of fetal cells found in the mother’s body is still under investigation. Also, if RA symptoms do happen to improve during pregnancy, this could also be due to hormonal and immune system changes, not solely due to fetal cells.
Either way, RA remission during pregnancy, for whatever reason it happens, is not the same thing as being “healed,” which seems to indicate a permanent recovery. In reality, many women with RA (current research suggests around 50%) experience a flare once their baby is born - and for many women, both myself and many I have personally met, postpartum symptoms can be quite severe and potentially even worse than prior to pregnancy. I’ve also met many women who didn’t develop RA until right after a pregnancy, which seems to suggest the changes to a mother’s body created by pregnancy are not necessarily/always positive.
There is little to no information out there on how to approach motherhood with a chronic illness like RA - and pregnancy resources often talk about a mother’s health as if she should have perfect control over it, which clearly we don’t. This leaves many women with chronic illness with feelings pretty similar to what the author described: wondering if it’s even realistic to be a mom in the first place, wondering if they can ever possibly do it “right,” wondering if they might pass their condition to their children, wondering why their path to motherhood looks so different from what they see around them. In book that otherwise seemed very detail-oriented, and where the author consulted many top doctors and scientists, this misleading sentence disappointed me.
However, I have a real problem with a very misleading sentence at the end of Chapter 23: “In cases of rheumatoid arthritis, an autoimmune condition that causes severe joint inflammation, fetal cells can help the mother’s body heal.” (Page 229)
In this chapter, she’s talking about the way fetal cells can migrate into the mother’s body, and how scientists are trying to understand the impact of this genetic transfer, which is a very interesting subject for sure. Some research does suggests that these fetal cells could contribute to tissue repair in the mother, and it is an interesting theory that might explain why some women with rheumatoid arthritis (current research suggests less than a third) DO experience remission while pregnant.
But the word “heal” (and the fact that this is a single sentence, with no follow-up explanation) is a big overgeneralization. The extent of the healing role of fetal cells found in the mother’s body is still under investigation. Also, if RA symptoms do happen to improve during pregnancy, this could also be due to hormonal and immune system changes, not solely due to fetal cells.
Either way, RA remission during pregnancy, for whatever reason it happens, is not the same thing as being “healed,” which seems to indicate a permanent recovery. In reality, many women with RA (current research suggests around 50%) experience a flare once their baby is born - and for many women, both myself and many I have personally met, postpartum symptoms can be quite severe and potentially even worse than prior to pregnancy. I’ve also met many women who didn’t develop RA until right after a pregnancy, which seems to suggest the changes to a mother’s body created by pregnancy are not necessarily/always positive.
There is little to no information out there on how to approach motherhood with a chronic illness like RA - and pregnancy resources often talk about a mother’s health as if she should have perfect control over it, which clearly we don’t. This leaves many women with chronic illness with feelings pretty similar to what the author described: wondering if it’s even realistic to be a mom in the first place, wondering if they can ever possibly do it “right,” wondering if they might pass their condition to their children, wondering why their path to motherhood looks so different from what they see around them. In book that otherwise seemed very detail-oriented, and where the author consulted many top doctors and scientists, this misleading sentence disappointed me.
August 13, 2025
I always love a memoir on motherhood. Tho most of the content of this one did not apply specifically to me.
September 13, 2025
Easily one of my favorite books I’ve read this year.
July 6, 2025
This really was less about the motherhood myths that shape us and more of a chronicle of every obsessive train of thought the author had when struggling w fertility, in part due to her own life choices. It would have made a fine article but this format allowed every anxious detail of the authors life be introduced with its substantial backstory.
July 24, 2025
Rating: 2* of five
The Publisher Says: In this propulsive memoir, an award-winning journalist blends history, science, and cultural criticism, to uncover whether motherhood outside of society's rigid rules and expectations is possible—and whether she fits the mold for what a mother should be.
For so long, Ruthie Ackerman believed that the decision not to have children was a radical act. She'd grown up being told that she came from a long line of women who had abandoned their children. Plus, Ruthie feared she would pass on her half-brother’s rare genetic disorder. Haunted by this generational inheritance, she goes searching in the twists and turns of her DNA to decide once and for all whether she should become a mother. When a geneticist leaves her at a dead end, she chooses to marry a man who doesn’t want children—only to realize that, despite everything, she desperately does. When Ruthie’s strained marriage ends, her quest for a new vision of motherhood begins.
She eventually finds an image of radical motherhood where women have an opportunity to see their role not just as fulfilling but as powerful. This new mother code goes beyond children and focuses on actively working towards stronger communities and happier, less-stressed parents. But by the time Ruthie meets the right partner and is ready to have the baby she so desperately desires, she learns she can't use her own eggs. Now, Ruthie has to evolve this new mother code as she navigates the scientific, philosophical, and intimate questions about what it means to both create–and nurture–a life.
The Mother Code unravels how we’ve come to understand the institution of motherhood, offering a groundbreaking a new a mother code that goes beyond our blood lines and genetics, and instead, pushes us to embrace inheritance as the legacy we want to leave behind for those we love.
I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.
My Review: More Momaganda. "I changed my mind after most of my life is passed, and Became A Mother extremely expensively and in spite of thinking about it for decades and deciding against it" is a HUGE pile of privilege. It is unexamined in any critical way.
Adopt.
I was not well-treated by my mother, and as a direct result do not belong to the Cult of Mother. One does not dare to speak out about this pervasive cult because (like the Spoiler Stasi) there are great heaving seas of angry partisans who will NOT allow anyone to publicly question Their Choice.
Usually it's religious nuts to the fore, though not always. These people having the overlap in group membership that they do, I don't know how I'll escape another round of insulting nonsense for saying this, but here goes:
Your belief that something is good and right and necessary does not stop its being exploitive, manipulative, and wrong.
The Publisher Says: In this propulsive memoir, an award-winning journalist blends history, science, and cultural criticism, to uncover whether motherhood outside of society's rigid rules and expectations is possible—and whether she fits the mold for what a mother should be.
For so long, Ruthie Ackerman believed that the decision not to have children was a radical act. She'd grown up being told that she came from a long line of women who had abandoned their children. Plus, Ruthie feared she would pass on her half-brother’s rare genetic disorder. Haunted by this generational inheritance, she goes searching in the twists and turns of her DNA to decide once and for all whether she should become a mother. When a geneticist leaves her at a dead end, she chooses to marry a man who doesn’t want children—only to realize that, despite everything, she desperately does. When Ruthie’s strained marriage ends, her quest for a new vision of motherhood begins.
She eventually finds an image of radical motherhood where women have an opportunity to see their role not just as fulfilling but as powerful. This new mother code goes beyond children and focuses on actively working towards stronger communities and happier, less-stressed parents. But by the time Ruthie meets the right partner and is ready to have the baby she so desperately desires, she learns she can't use her own eggs. Now, Ruthie has to evolve this new mother code as she navigates the scientific, philosophical, and intimate questions about what it means to both create–and nurture–a life.
The Mother Code unravels how we’ve come to understand the institution of motherhood, offering a groundbreaking a new a mother code that goes beyond our blood lines and genetics, and instead, pushes us to embrace inheritance as the legacy we want to leave behind for those we love.
I RECEIVED A DRC FROM THE PUBLISHER VIA NETGALLEY. THANK YOU.
My Review: More Momaganda. "I changed my mind after most of my life is passed, and Became A Mother extremely expensively and in spite of thinking about it for decades and deciding against it" is a HUGE pile of privilege. It is unexamined in any critical way.
Adopt.
I was not well-treated by my mother, and as a direct result do not belong to the Cult of Mother. One does not dare to speak out about this pervasive cult because (like the Spoiler Stasi) there are great heaving seas of angry partisans who will NOT allow anyone to publicly question Their Choice.
Usually it's religious nuts to the fore, though not always. These people having the overlap in group membership that they do, I don't know how I'll escape another round of insulting nonsense for saying this, but here goes:
Your belief that something is good and right and necessary does not stop its being exploitive, manipulative, and wrong.
May 28, 2025
I was riveted by this memoir. Ackerman becomes a mother in her 40’s for a complicated and interesting set of reasons that I think a lot of women can relate to these days.
I love how she combines her story with research on a variety of topics including the realities around freezing eggs, IVF, using donor eggs, and postpartum depression. Along the way, she describes how her brain, her heart, and her body are pulled in different of directions. The lengths she has to go to in order to get pregnant are made all the more poignant by the fact that she experiences some hesitancy around become a mother. By admitting this ambivalence, Ackerman further cracks open the conversations around motherhood. She both underscores and provides societal context for what many of us have been secretly experiencing: that bringing a child into the world isn’t as straightforward as we might have thought.
Throughout the book, Ackerman weaves her story seamlessly with insights from experts in the fields of medicine, genetics, psychology, and also from other writers who have written about motherhood. I come away from these pages thinking that the mother code is in a state of flux, it looks different for everyone, and that it could be changing even more in the coming years.
I highly recommend this book. It reminds me what I love about memoirs…what a gift to see someone share their heart on the page and feel more fully the corridors of our own.
I love how she combines her story with research on a variety of topics including the realities around freezing eggs, IVF, using donor eggs, and postpartum depression. Along the way, she describes how her brain, her heart, and her body are pulled in different of directions. The lengths she has to go to in order to get pregnant are made all the more poignant by the fact that she experiences some hesitancy around become a mother. By admitting this ambivalence, Ackerman further cracks open the conversations around motherhood. She both underscores and provides societal context for what many of us have been secretly experiencing: that bringing a child into the world isn’t as straightforward as we might have thought.
Throughout the book, Ackerman weaves her story seamlessly with insights from experts in the fields of medicine, genetics, psychology, and also from other writers who have written about motherhood. I come away from these pages thinking that the mother code is in a state of flux, it looks different for everyone, and that it could be changing even more in the coming years.
I highly recommend this book. It reminds me what I love about memoirs…what a gift to see someone share their heart on the page and feel more fully the corridors of our own.
May 6, 2025
THE MOTHER CODE deciphers author Ruthie Ackerman’s experiences and research about assisted pregnancy and the social rituals that surround it. Honestly, this was not the book I thought I would read, but it made a huge impact upon me. Separate from her experiences around love and attachment, Ackerman is mostly consumed for much of the book with how to get pregnant without losing all of her money, health and/or sanity. She provides riveting information about the numbers game in IVF.
I had not heard/read these grim statistics and was shocked. And here’s the really shocking thing, I was part of that whole ‘medical adventure’ thirty years ago and was completely unaware of the low likelihood of success. This book prompted me to look up the statistics from that earlier time period; how had I never known any of this? As the author makes clear, the poor outcomes are suppressed for those seeking assisted reproduction, because desperation becomes a key feature of the adventure. Is this book for everyone? I think it is for those who have or will have some contact with freezing their eggs, IVF or donor eggs. But perhaps my denial is still operating. What I can say is that this book changed my thinking and that is an accomplishment. I received my copy from the publisher through NetGalley.
I had not heard/read these grim statistics and was shocked. And here’s the really shocking thing, I was part of that whole ‘medical adventure’ thirty years ago and was completely unaware of the low likelihood of success. This book prompted me to look up the statistics from that earlier time period; how had I never known any of this? As the author makes clear, the poor outcomes are suppressed for those seeking assisted reproduction, because desperation becomes a key feature of the adventure. Is this book for everyone? I think it is for those who have or will have some contact with freezing their eggs, IVF or donor eggs. But perhaps my denial is still operating. What I can say is that this book changed my thinking and that is an accomplishment. I received my copy from the publisher through NetGalley.
May 7, 2025
The cover and title of this book are misleading--I thought this was a book about the science and complexity of becoming a mother. It is indeed about the complexity (when, how, who with, under what circumstances) as Ruthie Ackerman tries to navigate her way to motherhood, but while the science of conceiving is part of the story, this is really more a book about thinking your way through the process and deconstructing the baggage that comes with every choice. It's a narrative of doubt and questioning and worries and ticking clocks, and I think if you are at the point in your life, you would find this book a comfort. It is a very internal book, though--even when Ackerman reports on specific scenes, she's more interested in what she was thinking than in sharing the scene with readers.
Thanks to the author, the publisher, and Netgalley for my free earc in exchange for an honest review.
Thanks to the author, the publisher, and Netgalley for my free earc in exchange for an honest review.
June 17, 2025
As a mother through egg donation myself, I found this book to be very intriguing. There are lots of hidden gems and great studies that are so interesting and I loved the research that went into accepting this reality in the journey to motherhood.
If I had to critique it - I wish there was more time to show readers that there is a huge grieving process when it comes to moving on to egg donation post fertility treatment. It can take a while lifetime of grieving as new moments come up. I wish more time was spent on that. I understand the beginning and family history was necessary in the beginning of the book for context but I felt it dragged on a little and got a little confusing to read.
The last few chapters really closed the book nicely and again had lots of gems that are beautiful written of what it means to be an outlaw mother. Overall I’d recommend the book based on the gems, but would preface that there are some chunky parts to get there.
Thanks for sharing your story!
If I had to critique it - I wish there was more time to show readers that there is a huge grieving process when it comes to moving on to egg donation post fertility treatment. It can take a while lifetime of grieving as new moments come up. I wish more time was spent on that. I understand the beginning and family history was necessary in the beginning of the book for context but I felt it dragged on a little and got a little confusing to read.
The last few chapters really closed the book nicely and again had lots of gems that are beautiful written of what it means to be an outlaw mother. Overall I’d recommend the book based on the gems, but would preface that there are some chunky parts to get there.
Thanks for sharing your story!
April 15, 2025
Ruthie Ackerman investigates the patriarchal and feminist concepts of what motherhood should be. If you are a mother, are you allowed to be anything else? Is it selfish if you are? Stereotypes and societal “preachings” are examined by the author who is diving into her desire to have a child even though she doesn’t have a partner who wants one. Close examination of her own development, of trying to make herself into someone the other person wants, rather than being herself. She explores fear of family genetics and the nature/nurture question.Interweaves memoir of this stage of her life with essays about what society seems to be telling her and shares relevant research about genetics and IVF statistics.
Thanks to NetGalley for a pre-publication copy!
Thanks to NetGalley for a pre-publication copy!
June 8, 2025
The Mother Code is about what the author's went through trying to conceive a child after deciding late in life that she really did want to be a mother after all. In her second marriage and in her forties, she has to come to terms with what being a mother really means and whether of not she will be able to achieve her goal. I really don't want to say what I really thought of all this as it is a real person and her experience, but there was nothing earth shattering here or even very interesting - just a lot of whining and second guessing herself. I will say, her 2nd husband was a saint through all of it.
I received an ARC of this book from the publisher through NetGalley. It probably would have ended up in my DNF pile otherwise.
I received an ARC of this book from the publisher through NetGalley. It probably would have ended up in my DNF pile otherwise.
August 29, 2025
Surprised I finished this. The first like 7 chapters were great. I felt like I really related to her discussion of trying to decide whether or not to have a kid. And then you realize that was all kind of bogus, this is a woman who absolutely has always wanted a kid?? And had a very strong “I know I want one” moment that she discussed NOT having in the first few chapters. It felt disingenuous starting her book off like that because it’s not really what she experienced…and kind of feels like she wrote those chapters to capture an audience that this book wasn’t really for. The other 75% is about her fertility journey - this is a fertility book, not a book about womanhood and motherhood. Read this if you want to read a book about fertility.
Read
June 13, 2025this book was good
it highlights a lot of the struggles of being a woman
the decision of having children or not having children will determine a person's life
it's interesting that the author says it's documented by science that it is normal for women to have maternal ambivalence, versus what we believe to be true, that women are certain they want to have children before they have it
i think that if you make the choice to have children, that you should be prepared be present emotionally and physically and to be happy to sacrifice for the well-being of this child
but reality is that a lot of parents are unfit to be parents
and that is the reality until the end of time, i think.
it highlights a lot of the struggles of being a woman
the decision of having children or not having children will determine a person's life
it's interesting that the author says it's documented by science that it is normal for women to have maternal ambivalence, versus what we believe to be true, that women are certain they want to have children before they have it
i think that if you make the choice to have children, that you should be prepared be present emotionally and physically and to be happy to sacrifice for the well-being of this child
but reality is that a lot of parents are unfit to be parents
and that is the reality until the end of time, i think.
November 27, 2025
This is a must-read for any woman on the verge of motherhood, struggling with the decision whether or not to have children, struggling to have children, or wanting to redefine motherhood on her own terms. Ruthie's heart-wrenching, raw and honest memoir is provoking, refreshing and informative. She blends her own personal journey with motherhood with fact-based stories of how society and culture have shaped our perceptions of what it means to be a mother, and how women throughout history to present have worked to reshape, exist and mother outside those preconceived notions.
October 13, 2025
I am not entirely sure what I think of the book. It is definitely well researched! I learned new information about fertility and genes. But I was frustrated with the author’s angst and her reactions to the donor egg process. On one level I understood it but on another I was more sympathetic to her partner. I loved the term outlaw mother and her description of caring and falling in love through relationship.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 26, 2025
I'll be honest, I only read half and skimmed the rest for our book club but I was not into it. I couldn't relate to most of what I read and it wasn't just her desire for a baby, it was the way she approached things. For a small example, if I make a mistake, I change things so it doesn't happen again. It's hard for me to relate to somebody who makes the same mistake over and over and over before changing things.
April 20, 2025
As a mid-30s woman on the fence about having kids, I really loved this memoir. Ruthie talks about her attitude toward having kids, how her family of origin played into that, and eventually her journey through fertility in her early 40s. It’s so honest and comforting for anything who relates to any part of her story.
May 14, 2025
I grabbed this on a whim, expecting a takedown of the “mommy track” or a no-kids manifesto. **Spoiler alert** (a few pages could also be found in the sample)
Ruthie’s mid-meltdown over blood and years of failed IVF. I thought, Ah, classic IVF memoir—which I love, to be fair. But then she flips it, weaving in trauma, the patriarchy, and fascinating epigenetics research. It’s memoir meets science and cultural critique, all in a sharp, emotionally honest voice.
New Favorite!
Ruthie’s mid-meltdown over blood and years of failed IVF. I thought, Ah, classic IVF memoir—which I love, to be fair. But then she flips it, weaving in trauma, the patriarchy, and fascinating epigenetics research. It’s memoir meets science and cultural critique, all in a sharp, emotionally honest voice.
New Favorite!
December 12, 2025
Charlotte gave this to me for mother's day. this woman had so much angst and anxiety it was hard to read. also it was hard to hear how much money and time she spent to get pregnant. I hate to say it but I felt very unsympathetic and kind of judgy...even though I know that I shouldn't. was not a pleasant read.
April 25, 2025
I am so excited to read this book. I attended an amazing salon last evening with the author and other mothers and women from all over the fertility spectrum. The piece about motherhoood ambivalence is something everyone can relate to - mother or not.
April 30, 2025
I heard Ruthie speak recently and read from her book. She is a brilliant speaker and writer. Funny , raw, insightful and knowledgeable . This is a book that all women should read as they think about the life choices ahead of them.
July 30, 2025
Listened to the audiobook while packing my apartment, it's an easy listen. At times it felt very redundant, I think the book could have benefited from an extra editing round.
Overall it's a vulnerable and sweetly written story about the desire to be a mother. I enjoyed it.
Overall it's a vulnerable and sweetly written story about the desire to be a mother. I enjoyed it.
August 9, 2025
DNF
I really wanted to like this book but the story telling became one sad story to the next without a pause in why we were really here. It will be exactly what someone else wanted to hear about the process of one’s maternal awakening it just wasn’t for me.
I really wanted to like this book but the story telling became one sad story to the next without a pause in why we were really here. It will be exactly what someone else wanted to hear about the process of one’s maternal awakening it just wasn’t for me.
December 16, 2025
What does it mean to be a mother? How does society influence the way women internalize messages surrounding motherhood and apply it to their own child rearing? All this and more is explored in conjunction with Ackerman’s own personal journey to becoming a mother.
January 7, 2026
Meh.
Probably my fault for not reading a description, but probably 3/4 of the book was about infertility.
There were some good commentary on expectations on women to be mothers. Some.
In general the style and the story were not very relatable for me, despite having some similar experiences.
Probably my fault for not reading a description, but probably 3/4 of the book was about infertility.
There were some good commentary on expectations on women to be mothers. Some.
In general the style and the story were not very relatable for me, despite having some similar experiences.
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