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Vampires are from Venus, Werewolves are from Mars: A Comprehensive Guide to Attracting Supernatural Love
The critically acclaimed author of MANSFIELD PARK AND MUMMIES tackles a hilarious new parody topic -- supernatural relationship advice!
Admit it, you've secretly dreamed of dating a sexy brooding vampire or an alpha werewolf...
But what about dating zombies, mummies, angels, fairies, demons, ghosts, random spotted aliens with tentacles, or other random metaphysical impossibilities?
Furthermore, what if those paranormal beings in turn dreamed of dating each other -- each one in search of their own supernatural soul mates?
The answer lies, as usual, in the planets, and the entire solar system of planetary harmonic alignment.
Take the supernatural compatibility test and discover your own soul planet.
Discover what planet rules which supernatural species, and which paranormal personality combinations offer the most compatibility to each other -- and to you.
And then, be matched with the supernatural soul mate of your wildest dreams!
It's all in here!
Plus, as a special bonus, discover the Supernatural Matchmaker's greatest advice -- the Love Secret.
VAMPIRES ARE FROM VENUS, WEREWOLVES ARE FROM MARS:
A Comprehensive Guide to Attracting Supernatural Love
Admit it, you've secretly dreamed of dating a sexy brooding vampire or an alpha werewolf...
But what about dating zombies, mummies, angels, fairies, demons, ghosts, random spotted aliens with tentacles, or other random metaphysical impossibilities?
Furthermore, what if those paranormal beings in turn dreamed of dating each other -- each one in search of their own supernatural soul mates?
The answer lies, as usual, in the planets, and the entire solar system of planetary harmonic alignment.
Take the supernatural compatibility test and discover your own soul planet.
Discover what planet rules which supernatural species, and which paranormal personality combinations offer the most compatibility to each other -- and to you.
And then, be matched with the supernatural soul mate of your wildest dreams!
It's all in here!
Plus, as a special bonus, discover the Supernatural Matchmaker's greatest advice -- the Love Secret.
VAMPIRES ARE FROM VENUS, WEREWOLVES ARE FROM MARS:
A Comprehensive Guide to Attracting Supernatural Love
ebook
First published November 23, 2012
8 people are currently reading
120 people want to read
About the author
Vera Nazarian
86 books1,032 followersVera Nazarian is a two-time Nebula Award Finalist, award-winning artist, and member of Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America, a writer with a penchant for moral fables and stories of intense wonder, true love, and intricacy.
She immigrated to the USA from the former USSR as a kid, sold her first story at the age of 17, and since then has published numerous works in anthologies and magazines, and has seen her fiction translated into eight languages.
She is the author of critically acclaimed novels Dreams of the Compass Rose and Lords of Rainbow , romantic Renaissance epic fantasy trilogy Cobweb Bride , as well as the outrageous parodies Mansfield Park and Mummies and Northanger Abbey and Angels and Dragons , Pride and Platypus: Mr. Darcy's Dreadful Secret in her humorous and surprisingly romantic Supernatural Jane Austen Series , and most recently the bestselling high-octane science fiction series The Atlantis Grail , now optioned for film.
After many years in Los Angeles, Vera lives in a small town in Vermont, and uses her Armenian sense of humor and her Russian sense of suffering to bake conflicted pirozhki and make art.
Take the fun quiz to find out Which of the Lords of Rainbow do You Serve?
She immigrated to the USA from the former USSR as a kid, sold her first story at the age of 17, and since then has published numerous works in anthologies and magazines, and has seen her fiction translated into eight languages.
She is the author of critically acclaimed novels Dreams of the Compass Rose and Lords of Rainbow , romantic Renaissance epic fantasy trilogy Cobweb Bride , as well as the outrageous parodies Mansfield Park and Mummies and Northanger Abbey and Angels and Dragons , Pride and Platypus: Mr. Darcy's Dreadful Secret in her humorous and surprisingly romantic Supernatural Jane Austen Series , and most recently the bestselling high-octane science fiction series The Atlantis Grail , now optioned for film.
After many years in Los Angeles, Vera lives in a small town in Vermont, and uses her Armenian sense of humor and her Russian sense of suffering to bake conflicted pirozhki and make art.
Take the fun quiz to find out Which of the Lords of Rainbow do You Serve?
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
July 27, 2014
Vampires Are From Venus, Werewolves Are From Mars by Vera Nazarian - A fabulously short and funny parody of Paranormal Romance. Are you ready for this? (deep breath) here it goes.
Okay, I was looking for a dating guide for my daughter, well, not that my daughter is dating yet, she's seven, which is too young to date (unless that's 7 in dog years, in which case it's 24-ish and dating's fine, or cat years but that's hard to compute because cat's never give their correct age for anything), but not too young to need a good guide to help her past the paranormal stalkers ...ahem... I mean those people whose obsessions are unhealthy for themselves and the objectively obsessed. So I picked up this book after seeing it picked up by another person whom I was stalking...but not stalking like that, the stalking-figurative way that is like "hey, what are you reading now?" curiosity way, not the other hello, I'd like you t meet my mom, dad, sister and here's your cell and you can never leave kind of stalker way" and thought it looked interesting.
Since my daughter has a fixation with fairies, being 7 and fairies seem to be all the rage now…um, I’m sorry “Fae”, my bad… and being a material girl, like in that Madona song but not like Madona herself which is a lot different or like “The” Madona which is covered in section five of the dating manual and probably not in the dating pool, …and being a material girl, likes accessorizing and clothes and jewelry and such. Of course that’s an instant heartattack if you’ve ever seen the way Tinkerbell dresses these days, I mean…come on Tink? You’re a tinker, ever think of inventing a sewing machine and maybe adding a little material and some straps to that too low at the neck to high at the thigh strapless, bare backed mini-skirt your wearing? (Oh, what a difference having girl children makes on your point of view…don’t get me started on Princess Jasmine, and to think, before I had kids, Tink and Jazzy were my favorites).
Anyway, I thought this might let her know that there were other options outside of the Fea, anorexic Princesses with clothing allergies and Handsome Princes with Mirror fettishes. What a huge mistake! Now on top of worrying about my daughter developing a clothing allergy getting a naval ring and growing wings, I find out there’s Asshole Demons from Uranus to worry about, blood and, oh-emm-gee Liquid brain munching zombies and a lot of paranormal supernatural witches, bitches, in the case of werewolve of course, ghosts and other things from the Ort Cloud…the ort cloud? Really, we went with the Ort cloud? So, reader beware, if you’re a father, you might find that there are a lot more things to be afraid of, not shaking in your boots they are coming after me afraid, I mean, I’m not dating, but oooh-my-God you’re not wearing that around boys afraid and, “she smells like brimstone…have you met her mother?” afraid…that kind of afraid.
Of course this is a “self-help” must for the love-lorne and lost…not that I’m sure what “lorne” means here, unless it’s like, Lorne Green, which isn’t actually a colour, it’s the guy who played Adama before Edward James Almos owned the role, but that’s a space ship of yet another colour. If you’re a father who only thought you had to worry about vampires and werewolves fighting over your daughter you really need to read this. There’s a whole Solar System of places to be afraid of them that cometh from there. It’ll scare the life out of you…or the unlife if you’re already a vampire (I don’t know if that counts as getting “turned” or as a “resurrection” when that happens to the undead), or if you’re a slosh for brains zombie you won’t notice as long as there’s somebody to eat, or if you’re an angel you might not care because you probably know all about this stuff already. Fun book, short, a Parody worth reading.
I laughed. I cried and thoroughly enjoyed it. There were some typos and formatting things with my kindle version but not enough to bug me. The stream of consciousness rambling might not appeal to everybody but it did appeal to me. The humor was well served by the rebel without a clause sentence structure that would probably make my old English Teacher in High School turn fifty shades of gray… um… eww… now I’ve got that nightmare in the making on my mind…I need a drink. And I loved the UAAOHPISPACT. Make sure you read the Introduction and take the UAAOHPISACT! If you get confused, just put some SH-Bleep down.
I’m giving it 4 stars. Why, because with all the typos, formatting sh-bleep, the zany antics, and rambling thoughts that looked like they were shot through a trampoline factory before they made it down on paper, I had a lot of fun reading this. It’s not perfect, and maybe not for everyone and I don’t care. I enjoyed it.
Okay, I was looking for a dating guide for my daughter, well, not that my daughter is dating yet, she's seven, which is too young to date (unless that's 7 in dog years, in which case it's 24-ish and dating's fine, or cat years but that's hard to compute because cat's never give their correct age for anything), but not too young to need a good guide to help her past the paranormal stalkers ...ahem... I mean those people whose obsessions are unhealthy for themselves and the objectively obsessed. So I picked up this book after seeing it picked up by another person whom I was stalking...but not stalking like that, the stalking-figurative way that is like "hey, what are you reading now?" curiosity way, not the other hello, I'd like you t meet my mom, dad, sister and here's your cell and you can never leave kind of stalker way" and thought it looked interesting.
Since my daughter has a fixation with fairies, being 7 and fairies seem to be all the rage now…um, I’m sorry “Fae”, my bad… and being a material girl, like in that Madona song but not like Madona herself which is a lot different or like “The” Madona which is covered in section five of the dating manual and probably not in the dating pool, …and being a material girl, likes accessorizing and clothes and jewelry and such. Of course that’s an instant heartattack if you’ve ever seen the way Tinkerbell dresses these days, I mean…come on Tink? You’re a tinker, ever think of inventing a sewing machine and maybe adding a little material and some straps to that too low at the neck to high at the thigh strapless, bare backed mini-skirt your wearing? (Oh, what a difference having girl children makes on your point of view…don’t get me started on Princess Jasmine, and to think, before I had kids, Tink and Jazzy were my favorites).
Anyway, I thought this might let her know that there were other options outside of the Fea, anorexic Princesses with clothing allergies and Handsome Princes with Mirror fettishes. What a huge mistake! Now on top of worrying about my daughter developing a clothing allergy getting a naval ring and growing wings, I find out there’s Asshole Demons from Uranus to worry about, blood and, oh-emm-gee Liquid brain munching zombies and a lot of paranormal supernatural witches, bitches, in the case of werewolve of course, ghosts and other things from the Ort Cloud…the ort cloud? Really, we went with the Ort cloud? So, reader beware, if you’re a father, you might find that there are a lot more things to be afraid of, not shaking in your boots they are coming after me afraid, I mean, I’m not dating, but oooh-my-God you’re not wearing that around boys afraid and, “she smells like brimstone…have you met her mother?” afraid…that kind of afraid.
Of course this is a “self-help” must for the love-lorne and lost…not that I’m sure what “lorne” means here, unless it’s like, Lorne Green, which isn’t actually a colour, it’s the guy who played Adama before Edward James Almos owned the role, but that’s a space ship of yet another colour. If you’re a father who only thought you had to worry about vampires and werewolves fighting over your daughter you really need to read this. There’s a whole Solar System of places to be afraid of them that cometh from there. It’ll scare the life out of you…or the unlife if you’re already a vampire (I don’t know if that counts as getting “turned” or as a “resurrection” when that happens to the undead), or if you’re a slosh for brains zombie you won’t notice as long as there’s somebody to eat, or if you’re an angel you might not care because you probably know all about this stuff already. Fun book, short, a Parody worth reading.
I laughed. I cried and thoroughly enjoyed it. There were some typos and formatting things with my kindle version but not enough to bug me. The stream of consciousness rambling might not appeal to everybody but it did appeal to me. The humor was well served by the rebel without a clause sentence structure that would probably make my old English Teacher in High School turn fifty shades of gray… um… eww… now I’ve got that nightmare in the making on my mind…I need a drink. And I loved the UAAOHPISPACT. Make sure you read the Introduction and take the UAAOHPISACT! If you get confused, just put some SH-Bleep down.
I’m giving it 4 stars. Why, because with all the typos, formatting sh-bleep, the zany antics, and rambling thoughts that looked like they were shot through a trampoline factory before they made it down on paper, I had a lot of fun reading this. It’s not perfect, and maybe not for everyone and I don’t care. I enjoyed it.
January 15, 2013
Book Info: Genre: Self-help parody/satire
Reading Level: Adult
Recommended for: Anyone, but especially if you’re becoming sick of PNR
Disclosure: I picked this e-book up from Amazon while it was on free promotion because I have enjoyed this author’s work in the past. No review was requested. All opinions are my own.
Synopsis (altered for length): Admit it, you've secretly dreamed of dating a sexy brooding vampire or an alpha werewolf...
But what about dating zombies, mummies, angels, fairies, demons, ghosts, random spotted aliens with tentacles, or other random, metaphysical impossibilities?
Furthermore, what if those paranormal beings in turn dreamed of dating each other—each one in search of their own supernatural soul mates?
The answer lies, as usual, in the planets, and the entire solar system of planetary harmonic alignment.
Take the supernatural compatibility test and discover your own soul planet.
Discover what planet rules which supernatural species, and which paranormal personality combinations offer the most compatibility to each other -- and to you.
And then, be matched with the supernatural soul mate of your wildest dreams!
It's all in here!
Plus, as a special bonus, discover the Supernatural Matchmaker's greatest advice–the Love Secret.
My Thoughts: This was really hilarious! Not only does it parody a self-help love manual, it also satirizes modern paranormal romances in general, as well as many urban fantasy tropes. Wonderful stuff! Given half a chance I’d probably quote half the book, but I’ll try to keep the quoting brief.
I also discovered that I am an Almost Normal Earthling at soul. So, there you have it. A hilarious parody, wonderfully funny satire. If you, like me, are becoming a bit jaded about PNR, then give this a chance, and have a good laugh at it all.
Reading Level: Adult
Recommended for: Anyone, but especially if you’re becoming sick of PNR
Disclosure: I picked this e-book up from Amazon while it was on free promotion because I have enjoyed this author’s work in the past. No review was requested. All opinions are my own.
Synopsis (altered for length): Admit it, you've secretly dreamed of dating a sexy brooding vampire or an alpha werewolf...
But what about dating zombies, mummies, angels, fairies, demons, ghosts, random spotted aliens with tentacles, or other random, metaphysical impossibilities?
Furthermore, what if those paranormal beings in turn dreamed of dating each other—each one in search of their own supernatural soul mates?
The answer lies, as usual, in the planets, and the entire solar system of planetary harmonic alignment.
Take the supernatural compatibility test and discover your own soul planet.
Discover what planet rules which supernatural species, and which paranormal personality combinations offer the most compatibility to each other -- and to you.
And then, be matched with the supernatural soul mate of your wildest dreams!
It's all in here!
Plus, as a special bonus, discover the Supernatural Matchmaker's greatest advice–the Love Secret.
My Thoughts: This was really hilarious! Not only does it parody a self-help love manual, it also satirizes modern paranormal romances in general, as well as many urban fantasy tropes. Wonderful stuff! Given half a chance I’d probably quote half the book, but I’ll try to keep the quoting brief.
“You’ve even sat in prominent window seats at bookstore cafés pretending to write a magnum opus on your laptop while reading paranormal romance blogs—all in order to attract the precious attention of a real vampire, werewolf, fairy (sorry, fae), angel, demon, spotted hedgehog alien from another planet, or some other winged, horned, or tentacled supernatural lover.”
“Zombies also mill around like moo-cows. And if they go anywhere, they usually travel in mobs of infected individuals. Let’s call ‘em z-mobs. You know how that works—a pride of lions, a murder of crows, a z-mob of zombies.”
I also discovered that I am an Almost Normal Earthling at soul. So, there you have it. A hilarious parody, wonderfully funny satire. If you, like me, are becoming a bit jaded about PNR, then give this a chance, and have a good laugh at it all.
January 28, 2013
Really fun. Blew through it in one evening. Writing humor is walking a fine line between amusing and annoying,and luckily the book stayed on the right side of the line, and never grated. It's a self-aware parody, but also a loving tribute to the tropes of supernatural love, and it had me smiling as well as chuckling. My favorite: "And, for one brief shining moment, you suddenly understand math." Also - this is a little embarrassing to admit - the dating advice was spot on.
Recommended if you have read or watched at least one book or movie featuring vampires or werewolves or ghosts as a romantic interest, and aren't above laughing at it. Or if you know which Zodiac signs you are compatible with, and enjoy that bit of silliness.
Recommended if you have read or watched at least one book or movie featuring vampires or werewolves or ghosts as a romantic interest, and aren't above laughing at it. Or if you know which Zodiac signs you are compatible with, and enjoy that bit of silliness.
February 19, 2013
I started this book while standing in line at the office to pay rent and laughed so many times that people started to turn around and look at me funny. This book, especially the beginning, is hilarious. I loved it. In fact, I loved it so much, I'm looking at others of her books so I get them too
September 9, 2018
This was a funny little book
December 19, 2013
This is indeed a comprehensive study! Ms. Navarian knows her topic well. This guide full of humor, it also contains practical self-help advice as an added bonus. As in “Do not, under any circumstances, leave a Venusian and a Martian in the same room unsupervised, unless you plan a remodel and want to save on demolition expenses.”
It includes all around sage advice:
Yes, it's a scary big universal dating pool. We all have to get along, so we are all naturally attracted to people with whom we must learn to get along. Because, at the end of the cosmic day (and just before cosmic happy hour), we kind of need them. And they need us. So that the world does not fall apart as a result of our infantile unresolved conflict.
There is also educational information included!
Venus is the second planet from the sun, boiling-hot and roiling with primeval gases, especially methane (think, auto exhaust and farts). Naturally, it is the planet of Love...
...the Moon is tiny in the greater scheme of planet things, but it's huge and devastating in our poetic imagination--deceptively cool and stately-slow, sailing in the night heavens--and it controls the tides. And Mercury is also tiny, scalding-hot on one side only (like your toast), and super-fast, and closest to the sun and far from us--and yet it has that damned Retrograde every few months that causes our mail to get lost, our pants to shrink in the dryer, and ruins our travel plans. How is that not sneaky and impressive?
All of this is just the tip of the iceberg. This book includes a test to help you determine which paranormal you are best suited for a love relationship with and follows it up with an analysis of your results. All in all this is an entertaining read. I really enjoyed the writing style utilized in this novelette.
Format/Typo Issues: I found no significant editing or formatting errors.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy.** December 11, 2013
It includes all around sage advice:
Yes, it's a scary big universal dating pool. We all have to get along, so we are all naturally attracted to people with whom we must learn to get along. Because, at the end of the cosmic day (and just before cosmic happy hour), we kind of need them. And they need us. So that the world does not fall apart as a result of our infantile unresolved conflict.
There is also educational information included!
Venus is the second planet from the sun, boiling-hot and roiling with primeval gases, especially methane (think, auto exhaust and farts). Naturally, it is the planet of Love...
...the Moon is tiny in the greater scheme of planet things, but it's huge and devastating in our poetic imagination--deceptively cool and stately-slow, sailing in the night heavens--and it controls the tides. And Mercury is also tiny, scalding-hot on one side only (like your toast), and super-fast, and closest to the sun and far from us--and yet it has that damned Retrograde every few months that causes our mail to get lost, our pants to shrink in the dryer, and ruins our travel plans. How is that not sneaky and impressive?
All of this is just the tip of the iceberg. This book includes a test to help you determine which paranormal you are best suited for a love relationship with and follows it up with an analysis of your results. All in all this is an entertaining read. I really enjoyed the writing style utilized in this novelette.
Format/Typo Issues: I found no significant editing or formatting errors.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog. May have received a free review copy.** December 11, 2013
January 19, 2013
«If you have picked mostly "D" answers in the multiple choice you are naturally attracted to females with martial arts skills or metrosexual males. They are from Earth, and therefore you are an Earthling in both real-world and soul sense. Congratulations! You are almost Average!»
É bom saber o que é que me atrai xD
Este livro é muito pequeno e a sua leitura além de rápida é também extremamente divertida. Podem descobrir de que planeta são e qual o melhor companheiro para vocês.
Uma sátira tanto aos romances paranormais como aos livros de auto-ajuda que não deixa ninguém indiferente.
Logo após a introdução temos um quizz a que não resisti responder (daí a citação no início do post). Se têm kindle ou a aplicação para pc ou android aproveitem para se rirem por um par de horas.
in: http://livrosportodolado.blogs.sapo.p...
É bom saber o que é que me atrai xD
Este livro é muito pequeno e a sua leitura além de rápida é também extremamente divertida. Podem descobrir de que planeta são e qual o melhor companheiro para vocês.
Uma sátira tanto aos romances paranormais como aos livros de auto-ajuda que não deixa ninguém indiferente.
Logo após a introdução temos um quizz a que não resisti responder (daí a citação no início do post). Se têm kindle ou a aplicação para pc ou android aproveitem para se rirem por um par de horas.
in: http://livrosportodolado.blogs.sapo.p...
January 6, 2014
It's kind of scary how Ms. Nazarian hit the nail on the head with earthlings' various paranormal obsessions. She must have spent one BLEEPload of years doing research. As a Venusian, I'm grieved by her advice to avoid my attraction to hunky vampires. Humans just don't have that sparkle. *sigh* I must admit that I'd far rather be attracted to fae. However, you just can't help who you fall in love with, right?
I'd have liked this book to examine the earthling attraction to elves. I mean, Legolas is really, really hawt, right?
I'd have liked this book to examine the earthling attraction to elves. I mean, Legolas is really, really hawt, right?
October 30, 2013
I could not stop laughing while reading this. It's one of those stupid funny books that I loved. Oh just FYI don't read this in the middle of the night cause when you wake everyone up from all your laughing they are not impressed. Lol!!
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December 17, 2012Goodreads Synopsis:
The critically acclaimed author of MANSFIELD PARK AND MUMMIES tackles a hilarious new parody topic -- supernatural relationship advice!
Admit it, you've secretly dreamed of dating a sexy brooding vampire or an alpha werewolf...
But what about dating zombies, mummies, angels, fairies, demons, ghosts, random spotted aliens with tentacles, or other random metaphysical impossibilities?
Furthermore, what if those paranormal beings in turn dreamed of dating each other -- each one in search of their own supernatural soul mates?
The answer lies, as usual, in the planets, and the entire solar system of planetary harmonic alignment.
Take the supernatural compatibility test and discover your own soul planet.
Discover what planet rules which supernatural species, and which paranormal personality combinations offer the most compatibility to each other -- and to you.
And then, be matched with the supernatural soul mate of your wildest dreams!
It's all in here!
Plus, as a special bonus, discover the Supernatural Matchmaker's greatest advice -- the Love Secret.
VAMPIRES ARE FROM VENUS, WEREWOLVES ARE FROM MARS:
A Comprehensive Guide to Attracting Supernatural Love
The critically acclaimed author of MANSFIELD PARK AND MUMMIES tackles a hilarious new parody topic -- supernatural relationship advice!
Admit it, you've secretly dreamed of dating a sexy brooding vampire or an alpha werewolf...
But what about dating zombies, mummies, angels, fairies, demons, ghosts, random spotted aliens with tentacles, or other random metaphysical impossibilities?
Furthermore, what if those paranormal beings in turn dreamed of dating each other -- each one in search of their own supernatural soul mates?
The answer lies, as usual, in the planets, and the entire solar system of planetary harmonic alignment.
Take the supernatural compatibility test and discover your own soul planet.
Discover what planet rules which supernatural species, and which paranormal personality combinations offer the most compatibility to each other -- and to you.
And then, be matched with the supernatural soul mate of your wildest dreams!
It's all in here!
Plus, as a special bonus, discover the Supernatural Matchmaker's greatest advice -- the Love Secret.
VAMPIRES ARE FROM VENUS, WEREWOLVES ARE FROM MARS:
A Comprehensive Guide to Attracting Supernatural Love
December 7, 2012
Humorous concept, but too short to explore it to the best potentiall.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews