The Rules We Live By: Stories and Reflections on Unlearning Patriarchal Masculinity

by Destyn Land

“Thank you, Destyn, for penning what I believe will be the catalyst for the freedom and self-discovery of many.”
—Terrance McQueen, MDiv, Yale Divinity School

In this timely book, podcast host and scholar Destyn Land examines the nature of ‘masculinity’ and the lessons we are taught as children which carry into our adult lives. Through recollections from his own life, Destyn challenges readers to unpack the cultural norms which we have absorbed and accept the parts of us which may not fit within a traditional picture of the ideal masculine figure.

With topics ranging from anger to accountability, dealing with trauma, and the vulnerabilities of true friendship, Land draws on his experience as an educator and as a Black man with a Christian upbringing to lead readers on a reflective journey of their own.

Each section is followed by a devotional study to aid in challenging what we have been taught, and a question to prompt a moment of pause.

156 pages, Kindle Edition

Published August 14, 2024

About the author

Born and raised in the historically Black Rondo community of St. Paul, Minnesota, Destyn developed a profound appreciation for his heritage and an unwavering sense of community. From an early age, he demonstrated extraordinary talent as a pianist while simultaneously discovering a love for writing, likely inherited from his father, an author of two books. This skill allowed him to articulate his thoughts and delve into his unique perspective on masculinity during a pivotal undergraduate paper for a Youth Studies class, where he identified the issues surrounding patriarchal masculinity.

Inspired by this insight, Destyn pursued further education, earning a Master of Education in Youth Development Leadership in 2021 from the University of Minnesota Twin Cities and a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature, Language, and Theory in 2019 from Augsburg University. His academic journey led him to investigate the construction of Black masculinity and its influence on young Black boys, laying the foundation for his mission to promote healthy masculinity and challenge patriarchy's damaging effects.

In 2022, he launched the Rethinking Manhood podcast and Instagram account, gaining over four thousand followers and reaching listeners in 57 countries and 605 cities. Through this platform, he courageously addresses patriarchy's impact on men, fostering transformative discussions for positive change. In 2023, Destyn was selected for the inaugural Polaris Fellowship at Princeton Theological Seminary. Using his writing talents, he developed The Rules We Live By, a guide for men exploring masculinity, focusing on the harm of patriarchal ideals. Through reflections and engaging activities, he seeks to foster healthier expressions of masculinity.

Reviews

[Muskan · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The rules we live by" focuses on the edge and in-depth engraved roots of masculinity terminology and fixed attitude that has been dictated by the societal norms. In this insightful book, Destyn challenges those who kept the bars high and revealed to us the significance of the new perspective.

The book is written in an intriguing manner that serves as a beacon of hope and call to action. Giving the readers a candid foundational backstory of his podcast and Instagram account "Rethinking Manhood" the author has dropped some massively engrossing truth bombs without sugarcoating anything.

The idea of introducing "the own authentic versions of masculinity" truly speaks a thousand of words. Furthermore, the book chapters have been segmented into two parts namely "pause- and- reflect" and "devotional" section. The author has spoken about his faith and spiritual practice being a huge part of his individuality. The book has delved into some sensitive topics with understanding of the emotional vulnerabilities and complexities.

As men are always represented as beings of strength and power, pushing the idea that emotions are less likely to be expressed, they didn't show their vulnerabilities or else they won't be deemed masculine enough, this book will address details and particulars regarding what it actually means to be a man. The truth about patriarchy masculinity and the toxicity of preaching such notions of colours, hobbies, toys are gender specifications and segregation. I highly appreciate the author's writing because he has incorporated his personal anecdotes and thoughts which gives the readers a deeper understanding of the reality. The tools and descriptions are for the readers to understand and recognise the shackles that chain the freedom and peace of mind.

"When baby boys are born, we show them gentleness, constantly holding them, comforting them when they cry, kissing them and telling them how much we love and care about them. However, as boys grow older, that gentleness turns into "tough love." The hugs become handshakes and the kisses become distant lips drifting further apart as time goes on..."

- A significant excerpt from the book that explores the concept of toxic transition that leads to orthodox approach to establishing masculinity as tough and emotionless.

This book is a must read for all. What the author has conveyed with such dedication and commitment needs to be read and heard by the people because it highlights the beginning of a new perspective and open understanding of masculinity in an open minded thinking.

[Kia Clark · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best, if not THE best, books I’ve read in years. The book we’ve been waiting for! Full of heart, heartbreak, joy, love, pain. It has it all and more. Well done, Mr. Land!

[Terra B · Rating 4 out of 5]

Any time I’m connecting with Destyn, I feel like I am learning something new about how I understand masculinity and participate in patriarchal masculinity as a non-masculine person. The chapters Image, Anger, Gentleness, and Accountability (really all the chapters) make me want to give this book to every man in my life. It’s a space of vulnerability that I think they could use and need that would offer language and affirmations to what they feel/experienced. I personally enjoyed the pause and reflect sections throughout the chapters because it challenged my thinking and it allows you to have a conversation with yourself about what you just read and how you connected with it. Generally, the book is an easy read that is to the point with a mix of emotions, storytelling, and honesty. I love a book with short chapters, shared definitions (so we are on the same page) and headings so I can pause and come back.

I gave it a 4 star because I don’t like the devotionals, they DO make sense where they are placed and how it connects. AND it does make the book feel a little too churchy for me.

[Maileen Hamto · Rating 4 out of 5]

Traditional manifestations of masculinity are being challenged, a pressing and urgent issue in today's society. This urgency is fueled by the Me Too movement, awareness about toxic masculinity, and problematic trends pointing to the resurgence of blatant misogyny. Defining and addressing patriarchal masculinity, educator and podcaster Destyn Land shares profound reflections and stories that interrogate societal perceptions of fatherhood, brotherhood, and relationships among men. In “The Rules We Live By,” Land challenges traditional gender norms, as he advocates for authenticity, vulnerability, and compassion to foster transformation toward a more inclusive society. He makes the case for a different way forward, as he discusses the deleterious impact of rigid gender norms on the mental well-being of men. ​The author’s message is sincere and straightforward: there is an urgent need to break free from constraints to live with compassion and authenticity.

The power of Land’s narrative is his laser focus on his target audience: men and boys who may feel out of place in traditional societal norms but have no choice but to conform. As a woman, I read the book with wide-eyed respect for the author’s courageous truth-telling, obviously honed through his studies and engagement with his podcast audience. He delivers information and advice about harmful structures and promotes understanding about humanizing others without sounding preachy. His narrative has the potential to profoundly impact the reader's personal growth and understanding of gender issues, motivating them to engage with the book's message and take action.

Land prides himself on his Black identity and offers his experiences as a young Black man growing up in Minnesota. The book is not just for a specific group but is relatable to a diverse audience, as it holds wisdom applicable to anyone affected by patriarchal masculinity. The author leverages lessons from his Christian faith, reflecting on takeaways from Biblical stories, such as the Parable of the Prodigal Son.

“The Rules We Live By” will make a great book club choice for men eager to make a change. Land makes the point that men can challenge patriarchy by reflecting on their privilege and biases and confronting the harms of sexual assault and trauma. He emphasizes the value of engaging in conversations about toxic masculinity, and supporting marginalized voices. The author encourages men to educate themselves on feminist theory so they may advance gender equality.

[Haward · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written, thoughtful, insightful, and vulnerable. This book not only takes you on the author's journey in his reflections on patriarchy and masculinity but asks you to do the same in the pause and reflect sections making it an interactive and self-reflective read. I appreciated the relatable stories, the honesty, and the author's invitation to lean in and look at things and yourself deeply. As someone who is not masculine presenting, it was eye - opening to get a glimpse into how it feels and looks like for those who are. There were many times during my read where I thought, "I've felt like that" or "I've been through that". Initially, I didn't really like or understand why the devotional piece of each chapter was added in, but as I continued on in the book, it felt comforting. After some tougher chapters, I found myself thinking - "What the Lord got to say about this?" lol. It also intrigued me that the author was able to make connections to his faith in ways I would not have thought of. This book is an easy read and gentle introduction into an extremely complex and layered topic. Thankful that Mr. Land has begun this conversation. I hope to share with every young person in my life.

[John DeWitt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the second book I’ve ever read cover to cover in one night. While this book clocks in at under 200 pages, it is overflowing with understanding of one’s self and how patriarchal masculinity affects all of us. What made this book so compelling really was the raw honesty from the author, Destyn. From confessions of his past traumas to opinions on the Mary Kate and Ashley Olson movies, Destyn invited me in, sat me down at his table and told me it’s okay to be just as I am.

This books doesn’t damn masculinity, as the title might suggest. Instead, it reframes it and offers permission to readers to explore their own experience with masculinity and to broaden their understanding of the possibility of what masculinity and manhood could be.

The reflections and devotional passages weren’t preachy as you might expect from any book that includes scripture. Rather, it felt like Destyn was sharing the stories he grew up with in the churches of his childhood— offering cultural context, not commandments.

This was a beautiful and insightful read. If you liked this book, I highly recommend Destyn’s podcast, “Rethinking Manhood.”

[Ashley Adegeye · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an exceptional read that offers invaluable insights for everyone, not just male identifying. Land's relatable and personable writing style draws readers in, making complex themes accessible and engaging. Land masterfully presents various examples that allow readers to see themselves in the narrative, fostering a sense of connection and understanding. Moreover, it provides ample space for reflection and action, encouraging readers to apply the lessons in their own lives. Overall, this thoughtful exploration of personal growth and societal norms is a must-read for anyone seeking to navigate their own journey with clarity and purpose. 10/10!

[Kira K · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thoughts:
I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily. I love the dedication and that there is a book dedicated to unlearning patriarchal or toxic masculinity by a man to support other men. The pause and reflect bits are really impactful. Overall, the book is broken down well and the references at the end of each chapter are helpful. The devotional sections are helpful for those who are religious and it can help the book to tackle masculinity in more than one group of people.

Favourite Quote:
“From the moment our mothers find out our sex in the womb, a story is created about who we are and who we will be.”

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks to BookSirens for this ARC. I'm very unsure about how to rate this book. I think, fundamentally, it is not written for me. Despite an interest in theology, the devotionals did not appeal to me; despite a keen passion for gender equity, the rest didn't really hit home either. I don't know whether my whiteness or non-male-ness had more of an impact here. It's not that the book wasn't well-written, and its introspective nature made for a unique narrative, but I don't think I really know what it was trying to say. There were some references, but it seemed to be built more on experience than evidence.

[Richetta Parker · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was nothing short of incredible. The way that Destyn deconstructed societal norms and structures was beautifully done. This book opened my eyes to the many ways we as people our stripped of our wholeness when we are constantly restricted to the visible and invisible rules created for us. Reading this lyrically and poetically written book, I was able to connect through the vulnerability woven into each page. It helped me to remember that a healing journey is not the same path for everyone. It helped me to learn that being whole comes through living authentically, without restrictions.

[Isaiah · Rating 5 out of 5]

To read a full review check it out here.

This is the best book on masculinity that I have read.

Land is a natural storyteller and is able to get complex ideas and emotions across with ease. I felt like it was a conversation with a best friend that changed and confirmed so much of my life at once. It was an incredible read.

[amelia · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some good concepts to keep in mind as a parent. I did not vibe with the devotionals but that’s a personal preference. 2.5 stars

I received an advance review copy for free, and I am leaving this review voluntarily.