Holding Time: How to Eliminate Conflict, Temper Tantrums, and Sibling Rivalry and Raise Happy, Loving, Successful Children

by Martha G. Welch, Mary Ellen Mark (Photographer)

Presents the positive ways in which the act of holding a child can influence better behavior, and covers children of all ages, divorce, and two-career & households

Genres: Adoption, Parenting

254 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 1988

Reviews

[Seaby Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

Quite literally, this book saved the placement and adoption of my daughter.

I know that many look at this material and (falsely) equate the process it teaches as "torture" or "abuse". It is anything but. The process can look difficult and upsetting, but the results are amazing.

Liz was seven years old when she was placed with me. She had been in the foster care system since she was just three years old. She had just had a placement disrupt because she had attempted to kill a pet dog, broke a window, and demolished an interior door. Those behaviors continued in my house, where she tried to push me down a flight of stairs, attempted to jump out of my car at speed, threw objects to break yet more objects, climb on top of the dining room table and push the chandler hoping to break it... ALL within my sight. She would pull my hair, bite me, etc.

Liz was going to a day treatment center for emotionally disturbed children. Her next placement, if mine failed, was to be institutionalized as unplacable. She would be one of "those kids". I was taught how to "sit" on her when she lost control, wrapping her crossed arms around her and bending her forward. It would take forever for her to calm her down. Afterwards she was just as sulky and angry as she was before she lost it.

I had a meeting with the social worker and the CASA worker in which I said that I was at my wits end and if things didn't improve, this placement was over. The CASA suggested "Holding Time".... the social worker had daggers coming from her eyes! I went out and bought the book on my way home. I read it cover to cover that afternoon and night.

The next morning, Liz lost it. But instead of "sitting" on her as I had been taught by the social worker and the treatment center, I held her against my body face to face and sang to her. She fought like always, perhaps even more so....

But when she calmed down... she was looking into my eyes in a way she had never done before. I was able to stroke her face like I would a baby. She was calm and happy... for about an hour... then the sulky angry behavior came back and a bit later lost control again. And again I held her face to face and sang to her and kissed her face as she raged. She calmed... and happily stroked my face this time. She remained calm for two hours... and lost it again... so... after the third time, she remained calm the rest of the day. A friend came over late that afternoon and was SHOCKED at the change in Liz.

It wasn't perfect magic... and it took MANY other holding times and during them she always raged and wanted to get away... but the alternative was "sitting" on her to keep her physically safe (as well as reducing the damage to hearth and home). But Holding Time saved Liz.

I legally adopted Liz on her nineth birthday. She grew up a normal kid, sometimes an angel, sometimes a rebel. She graduated from high school... but Jr. College was too much for her.

Liz is now in her early 30's, happy as one could hope for... in touch with her birth family. I even met her birth mom who hugged me and said, "thank you for saving my baby".

Read Holding Time. Use Holding Time. Don't let those that equate the technique with abuse.... it isn't.

[Beth Birch · Rating 1 out of 5]

Burn this book, it is highly detrimental to normal childhood development. Restraining a child against their will until they have no choice but to submit to you is nothing more than a form of child abuse. Of course the child's behaviour will change because they will be afraid of you. They will learn that their feelings don't matter, they will no longer share their thoughts or feelings with you to avoid another "holding time" and will grow into adults requiring therapy for cptsd. I know this because I was one of the children subjected to this dangerous technique. Children have died from this so called "therapy".

[Nerd Girl · Rating 1 out of 5]

I could never recommend this book because much of the therapy within this is done forcibly to the child--the coercion is a joke.

I was one of the kids who went through these so called "treatments," as a kid (since I was adopted), and I'm currently going through PTSD therapy because of it. It does not make the child bond at all--if anything, it makes them learn how to dampen/fake emotions further so as to prevent more of these "treatments."

The entire treatment is shown as a "cure-all" for many overlapping behavioral problems--many behavior problems could fall under the following:

1) Past trauma/abuse
2) Sexual abuse
3) ADHD
4) Depression
5) Bipolar Disorder
6) ODD
7) Sociopathy
8) Psychopathy
9) Personality Disorders
10) Just a kid being a kid??

The behavioral problem list that falls under "attachment disorders" is so widespread and demonizing that it could be any one of these. Never diagnose your child yourself--you're biased in the first place. If you're worried, take your child to a regular child psychologist, not to an attachment disorder treatment center. Parents who see their children this way might need to undergo therapy themselves for paranoia would be my first guess. Attachment therapy is, in my humble opinion, a sham and sadistic.

It only encourages obedience through fear, avoidance, and the threat of suffocation.

Burn the book.

[Aspidistra · Rating 1 out of 5]

I know this book is very popular with a lot of adoptive parents, particularly for infants and toddlers. Because my kids are older, I can't address the specifics of its use in younger children.

My first problem with the book is that it's presented as if holding time is a magical cure for everything. I am skeptical of any book that promises this.

My most significant problem, though, comes with the holding itself. This is not a book about cuddling with your kids to help them feel safe and loved. It's about holding a child to the point where she becomes enraged and resists you, then continuing to hold until she calms down. For children with a history of abuse, this can retraumatize them rather quickly. For older children, it is nearly impossible to perform this maneuver safely without restraining the child in a way that is likely to be traumatic.

I know a lot of parents who swear by the techniques in this book, but most of them, when pressed, will say that they don't hold to elicit rage. They may hold a child during a tantrum to help them calm, something that is probably helpful for many very young children. But it's not the magic cure to emotional problems in adopted kids.

[M L · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Welch includes many photographs as well as step-by-step instructions on how to create a Holding practice for your family. The language is clear and easy to understand. She provides background information as well as many case studies to show how the practice can benefit both the child and the relationship with the child. It is important to read the entire book from cover-to-cover before you establish a Holding Time practice for your family. I used Holding Time with my children for about ten years. When we first started the practice, my children went through the stages of resistance, submission, and tenderness. What started as a daily practice to facilitate attachment and bonding became something that my children would ask for when they felt dysregulated. "Mom, I need a holding." It is not just hugging it is a systematic technique that will end in bonding tenderness. It is a tool that, if used properly, can result in a loving relationship. It is very important to make the commitment to your child to go through all three stages to have a successful practice. "Letting go" in the resistance stage will not enrich your relationship with your child. Nor will putting the child to bed if he or she has fallen asleep during the submission stage. Investing the time needed to make it through all three cycles will provide amazing rewards to your relationship with your child. After about ten days of a daily practice, when I realized that one of my sons was making himself cry, I said, "You don't have to cry buddy, Mom will still hold you." It was rare for him to resist or cry during a Holding after that unless he needed help processing something that he had found hurtful My other son resisted so loud and so hard that others would yell, "Leave him alone." Thankfully, I did not give up or let go. I held on tight. He would fall asleep, and I would hold him until he woke up. Upon waking, he would hold my face in his hands and gaze into my eyes. I have a loving, trusting relationship with my children that has served them and me well. My adopted children are now successful young adults. Our family's Holding Time practice was a key feature in our family's success and the success of our parent./child relationship. I wholeheartedly recommend the book and a Holding Time practice for your family.

[Lilián Carrasco · Rating 3 out of 5]

La autora, estaba desarrollando pruebas de su técnica del Abrazo Welch en niños con autismo, ayudando a los padres a conectar emocionalmente con sus hijos, y después de un tiempo, comprobó que su teoría se adapta a niños sin ningún tipo de condición especial. A través de su técnica especial del abrazo, ayuda a los niños a expresar sus emociones y sentimientos, molestias, enojos, etc. que pueden provocar conductas negativas como hacer berrinches, pegar, ser agresivos, entre otras. El pequeño, al descubrir que puede mostrar sus sentimientos con su madre, aunque estos sean negativos, y puede obtener consejos, apoyo y el mismo amor, y la madre, al expresar también sus enojos y frustraciones, va generando en la relación una comunicación asertiva y una conexión emocional fuerte con el hijo, dejando atrás todas estas conductas negativas, pues el niño aprende de inteligencia emocional en el manejo de sus sentimientos, generando niños con un buen nivel de autoestima y empatía.

[Rey · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been doing research on what Holding Therapy is And I came across this book. The book has good points of how holding can help a child. I have undergone holding therapy and this book helped me understand what it was for. The holding therapy has changed my life for the better. There is a video on YouTube of how to use the method with an older child https://youtu.be/DORyplClQ0M
Martha wheelchair explains it very well about holding time. I personally own this book and would recommend it to anyone who has a autistic child and who is resistant to touch and avoids eye contact. The therapy is better for autistic children because it teaches them they need eye contact and need to accept touch.

[Yinzadi]

Read online here.

[Sasha · Rating 2 out of 5]

I heard of this book and the theory of "holding time" many, many years ago from a homeschool friend who was advising another on how to deal with difficult children. It peaked my interest and I've implemented my own version off and on over the years with my kids. I believe in the principle, have seen the practice work, and can even witness to it working ON ME. (My husband has been doing this with me for years, though he doesn't know this is what he's doing. It's always been his instinct when I get wound up...he'd NEVER read a book like this or give a millisecond's thought to following an "expert's" advice.)

The premise and practice are sound.

The book, eh. Very repetetive and a lot like Church parenting roll play manuals that sound cheesy and unnatural, this was a difficult book to read. I don't like the jargon (it actually makes me uncomfortable for some reason). Also, I'm not sure I like the absolute persistence suggested--it almost seems like torture to everyone to do it as often and repetetively as suggested.

There was a paragraph I wanted to quote, but alas, the book is in my van which broke down in Heber and is still there, perhaps indefinitely.

[Carrie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is over 200 pages and could probably be reduced to about 20. It's very repetitive. I think the author means well, but this is not for every family as the author insists it is. Holding children can be a good thing, but I disagree that it should be done against their will. You can call it what you want, but it's another form of restraint. I don't view that in a positive light.

[Ceanne Kosel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every parent that wants a well behaved child, an excellent relationship with them and peace with siblings needs to read this book. As well as any grandparent or relative and close friend. Simply a book EVERYONE should read.

[Debi · Rating 1 out of 5]

I would never recommend this! I think it further traumatized my child who was already traumatized from his adoption!

[Marianne el wahsh · Rating 2 out of 5]

it is a very old school. has good techniques for holding infant and kids . but when I was reading it , I had to notice that some of the positions are not correct . for example the way of kissing the child, it is now forbidden to kiss direct on the lips. I need to kiss on the face.

[Bradley J. Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a vital invitation to all parents and caregivers to demonstrate a courageous act of love for their children. Any child who receives holding is richer for it. It costs nothing. Read and see!

[Julie]

I don’t think I can rate this book. There is some next level, emotionally manipulative, seriously co-dependent BS taught in this book and it blows my mind that could’ve been ok ever, even in the 80s. Flip side, I did get a couple valuable-to-me pearls out of this to help me parent my trauma/attachment toddlers, and those couple things are working. That said, I had to buy a copy since the library doesn’t own it (thank goodness) and just threw it away to help prevent the next person who picks it up from taking all the really bad advice in the book.