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Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Co-dependency
Are you the person everyone comes to when they're in a jam?
Do you regularly accommodate others' needs and preferences?
Does it feel like chaos will ensue if you don't handle the travel plans, divvy up the check at group dinners, sort out your friend's latest crisis, and so on?
If these questions resonate, the odds are good that you are one of the overgiving, overextending individuals struggling with what psychotherapist and boundary expert Terri Cole has termed high-functioning codependency (HFC).
When you hear the word codependent, you might think of the traditional enabler framework involving a hapless victim and their selfless rescuer. Terri certainly did. But after years in her therapy practice, she realized that many of her clients were presenting codependent behaviors that fell outside of the classic model.
The ironic truth with HFC is that the more capable you are the more codependency doesn't look like codependency.
In Too Much, you'll discover how to identify your HFC blueprint (or why you relate to others the way you do), the source of the attraction between codependents and narcissists, and how to cultivate emotional resiliency, practice real self-care, and much more.
Each chapter includes tips, self-assessments, and exercises to help you transform how you see yourself and the world, avoid relapses, and stay centered in your own experience so that you can relate to others in a healthier way.
"How you feel, what you think, what you want matters. In fact, those things need to matter to you the most," writes Terri. "By choosing the path of healing and recovery, you are coming home to yourself." Here is a book for making the shift "from too much to just right," so you can live a life that's full of authenticity, freedom, and joy.
Do you regularly accommodate others' needs and preferences?
Does it feel like chaos will ensue if you don't handle the travel plans, divvy up the check at group dinners, sort out your friend's latest crisis, and so on?
If these questions resonate, the odds are good that you are one of the overgiving, overextending individuals struggling with what psychotherapist and boundary expert Terri Cole has termed high-functioning codependency (HFC).
When you hear the word codependent, you might think of the traditional enabler framework involving a hapless victim and their selfless rescuer. Terri certainly did. But after years in her therapy practice, she realized that many of her clients were presenting codependent behaviors that fell outside of the classic model.
The ironic truth with HFC is that the more capable you are the more codependency doesn't look like codependency.
In Too Much, you'll discover how to identify your HFC blueprint (or why you relate to others the way you do), the source of the attraction between codependents and narcissists, and how to cultivate emotional resiliency, practice real self-care, and much more.
Each chapter includes tips, self-assessments, and exercises to help you transform how you see yourself and the world, avoid relapses, and stay centered in your own experience so that you can relate to others in a healthier way.
"How you feel, what you think, what you want matters. In fact, those things need to matter to you the most," writes Terri. "By choosing the path of healing and recovery, you are coming home to yourself." Here is a book for making the shift "from too much to just right," so you can live a life that's full of authenticity, freedom, and joy.
275 pages, Kindle Edition
First published October 15, 2024
479 people are currently reading
6136 people want to read
About the author
Terri Cole
8 books104 followersI’m a global empowerment and relationship expert with a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable.
My mission is to teach you how to attain and
sustain vibrant mental health and become
empowered in all of your relationships…
Starting with the one you have with yourself.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 90 reviews
June 16, 2024
I greatly enjoyed this book, both as a therapist and the target audience! I found the writing style easy to understand and relatable, especially the “Loving Reminders” and anecdotes sprinkled throughout. What I appreciated most is that the author provided numerous actionable and accessible steps to enact her recommendations. As I read, I was disappointed that this was an ARC because I have so many people in my life- family, friends, and clients- that I want to recommend it to!
However, there are a few observations that did result in a lower rating. These are pretty specific to my background, but would result in me giving qualifiers to my clients before encouraging them to read the book.
I would have appreciated better clarification for the readers between codependency and the DSM diagnosis of Dependent Personality Disorder. I also feel that Narcissism was not adequately explained and with it being quite a buzzword that is misinterpreted on social media, it would be more therapeutically responsible to define it. I also very much disliked the use of “narc” as shorthand for narcissist, especially because “narc” has a substance use connotation. Additionally, I feel that the author unintentionally alienates part of the audience by focusing on female-identifying readers. HFCs can be male-identifying or nonbinary and an appropriate language shift would be easy to make.
Overall, this is a great book and one that I will be very excitedly adding to my office library and recommending! Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing an ARC for review.
However, there are a few observations that did result in a lower rating. These are pretty specific to my background, but would result in me giving qualifiers to my clients before encouraging them to read the book.
I would have appreciated better clarification for the readers between codependency and the DSM diagnosis of Dependent Personality Disorder. I also feel that Narcissism was not adequately explained and with it being quite a buzzword that is misinterpreted on social media, it would be more therapeutically responsible to define it. I also very much disliked the use of “narc” as shorthand for narcissist, especially because “narc” has a substance use connotation. Additionally, I feel that the author unintentionally alienates part of the audience by focusing on female-identifying readers. HFCs can be male-identifying or nonbinary and an appropriate language shift would be easy to make.
Overall, this is a great book and one that I will be very excitedly adding to my office library and recommending! Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing an ARC for review.
February 4, 2025
The utility in this book is 4*, but I knocked the overall score down, because Cole waaaaay overdoes affirmation for the reader. Not only does this annoy the living daylights out of me, but it is very counterproductive. More on that later.
The intro to this book was SUPER uncomfortable, because it emphasized so much that 1) the reader didn't do anything wrong (how can the author know this?) and is all about "self love" expounding on how caring for others needs to take a back burner to self care.
I recognize that the point of this book is to help those who have self-sacrificed their lives into misery, but that means there's not a balance in their life - not that it's absurd to consider someone else's needs before your own or not to "stay on your side of the street." She walks through this concept later and explains more of what she means. I agree with her insofar as when you want to force your unwanted, unsolicited help on others, you need to stay on your own side of the street. When you try to circumvent feelings others might feel at the sacrifice of your own well-being, you've tried to control what someone else may feel, which is absurd, impossible, etc. Yes.
To be fair, therapy talk and phrases really grind on me with their fluffiness - particularly when it's female to female, (i.e. self-healing, transformational journey, "coming home to your soul," beauty, richness, knowing yourself on a deeper level, "loving reminders," etc.) It kind of gags me, but I understand that's just a personal preference. I also really struggle with the self-promotion: "using my proven self-awareness techniques....this book is for YOU," and perhaps worst of all, "You're AMAZING, by the way." It all hit me like a wave of nausea.
There are a lot of great tools in this book, including framing references, how to reclaim hold of your own life, how to establish boundaries, and what to expect while you heal. I find a vast majority of her self-refection questions at the end of chapters particularly useful and productive. For these things alone, the book is certainly worth picking up. I mostly picked it up out of curiosity, and I certainly learned some things about myself and others. I definitely have some of the tendencies she shares - particularly in certain relationships.
I struggled with Cole's assertions on humility. She claims that we're taught to be humble so people will like us. (That was a completely unmentioned byproduct of why I was taught to be humble.) Later, Cole says she'd always chalked up her own success to luck, but her therapist pointed out that Cole had worked really hard. Cole then agreed that she had worked hard and added, "And I did it by myself." Really? The extremes here really put me off. Why does it have to be one end of the spectrum or the other?
Whether we choose to acknowledge God or not, He still has an enormous hand in our lives. Even for the atheist or agnostic, it is absurd to claim that any human did anything completely on our own. Nobody does everything in their lives themselves. We can work hard, have self-respect, humility, and awareness that we worked hard without claiming we did it ALL ourselves and without claiming it was all luck.
I agree with Cole that we can politely accept praise without being boastful or dismissive of the person offering it. This took a long time for me to learn, because I never struggled with self-esteem. In my youth, if someone offered a compliment, I just couldn't accept it. I felt like accepting was saying, "Yes, you're right! I'm awesome!" which was sooo uncomfortable. It took years to understand how to simply accept a compliment. And I still sometimes struggle with the discomfort of it.
Affirmation statements are not for me, and self-help books drown you in them. Why do therapy authors take it as a given that all of the readers of the their books are amazing and wonderful, etc.? While I realize that the book is geared towards a certain population of people, not everyone - not even all HFCs - thinks they're worthless before they pick up a self-help book, nor is everyone who picks up this type of book an awesome person.
Lastly, it drives me absolutely insane how women chronically over-validate other women, no matter what. In the author's case, even though you've never met and never will meet the reader! Cole gushes, "Remember how strong, capable, and loving you are!" What?! EVERY single woman is ALL of those things? No, we're not! Not even close! Those can be weaknesses also, but we can work on those too if they're recognized. Instead, it's all just glossed over as though it's a given. We (men and women) need to self-assess and judge where we are in all areas. Judgment on things we need to do better doesn't automatically equal self-condemnation.
It seems that nearly every female-written therapy book I read is does this - spends paragraphs telling the (presumably female) reader how amazing and wonderful and incredible they are as if there's nothing to fix except all the self-sacrificing they've been doing for other people. The reader is always the victim. While this book offers some great counsel on how to avoid people pleasing and gearing your life around other people, the freely given over-validation immediately causes these therapists to lose credibility.
Despite the cons, this is still a book I'd recommend to anyone who is miserable with their life or aspects of their life, because they consume themselves overdoing, overthinking, and over-worrying for others.
The intro to this book was SUPER uncomfortable, because it emphasized so much that 1) the reader didn't do anything wrong (how can the author know this?) and is all about "self love" expounding on how caring for others needs to take a back burner to self care.
I recognize that the point of this book is to help those who have self-sacrificed their lives into misery, but that means there's not a balance in their life - not that it's absurd to consider someone else's needs before your own or not to "stay on your side of the street." She walks through this concept later and explains more of what she means. I agree with her insofar as when you want to force your unwanted, unsolicited help on others, you need to stay on your own side of the street. When you try to circumvent feelings others might feel at the sacrifice of your own well-being, you've tried to control what someone else may feel, which is absurd, impossible, etc. Yes.
To be fair, therapy talk and phrases really grind on me with their fluffiness - particularly when it's female to female, (i.e. self-healing, transformational journey, "coming home to your soul," beauty, richness, knowing yourself on a deeper level, "loving reminders," etc.) It kind of gags me, but I understand that's just a personal preference. I also really struggle with the self-promotion: "using my proven self-awareness techniques....this book is for YOU," and perhaps worst of all, "You're AMAZING, by the way." It all hit me like a wave of nausea.
There are a lot of great tools in this book, including framing references, how to reclaim hold of your own life, how to establish boundaries, and what to expect while you heal. I find a vast majority of her self-refection questions at the end of chapters particularly useful and productive. For these things alone, the book is certainly worth picking up. I mostly picked it up out of curiosity, and I certainly learned some things about myself and others. I definitely have some of the tendencies she shares - particularly in certain relationships.
I struggled with Cole's assertions on humility. She claims that we're taught to be humble so people will like us. (That was a completely unmentioned byproduct of why I was taught to be humble.) Later, Cole says she'd always chalked up her own success to luck, but her therapist pointed out that Cole had worked really hard. Cole then agreed that she had worked hard and added, "And I did it by myself." Really? The extremes here really put me off. Why does it have to be one end of the spectrum or the other?
Whether we choose to acknowledge God or not, He still has an enormous hand in our lives. Even for the atheist or agnostic, it is absurd to claim that any human did anything completely on our own. Nobody does everything in their lives themselves. We can work hard, have self-respect, humility, and awareness that we worked hard without claiming we did it ALL ourselves and without claiming it was all luck.
I agree with Cole that we can politely accept praise without being boastful or dismissive of the person offering it. This took a long time for me to learn, because I never struggled with self-esteem. In my youth, if someone offered a compliment, I just couldn't accept it. I felt like accepting was saying, "Yes, you're right! I'm awesome!" which was sooo uncomfortable. It took years to understand how to simply accept a compliment. And I still sometimes struggle with the discomfort of it.
Affirmation statements are not for me, and self-help books drown you in them. Why do therapy authors take it as a given that all of the readers of the their books are amazing and wonderful, etc.? While I realize that the book is geared towards a certain population of people, not everyone - not even all HFCs - thinks they're worthless before they pick up a self-help book, nor is everyone who picks up this type of book an awesome person.
Lastly, it drives me absolutely insane how women chronically over-validate other women, no matter what. In the author's case, even though you've never met and never will meet the reader! Cole gushes, "Remember how strong, capable, and loving you are!" What?! EVERY single woman is ALL of those things? No, we're not! Not even close! Those can be weaknesses also, but we can work on those too if they're recognized. Instead, it's all just glossed over as though it's a given. We (men and women) need to self-assess and judge where we are in all areas. Judgment on things we need to do better doesn't automatically equal self-condemnation.
It seems that nearly every female-written therapy book I read is does this - spends paragraphs telling the (presumably female) reader how amazing and wonderful and incredible they are as if there's nothing to fix except all the self-sacrificing they've been doing for other people. The reader is always the victim. While this book offers some great counsel on how to avoid people pleasing and gearing your life around other people, the freely given over-validation immediately causes these therapists to lose credibility.
Despite the cons, this is still a book I'd recommend to anyone who is miserable with their life or aspects of their life, because they consume themselves overdoing, overthinking, and over-worrying for others.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 6, 2025
Never thought of myself as a co-dependent not until I listened to Terri on a podcast and fell that this could be me.
As an overachiever driven person, this book opened my eyes to some of my dysfunctional behaviors !!
Highly recommend !
As an overachiever driven person, this book opened my eyes to some of my dysfunctional behaviors !!
Highly recommend !
May 26, 2025
This is a must needed and painful read book. I needed to hear this, no matter how painful the truth is.
It was hard not to be the obvious co dependent and think of someone else for this book. But once you turn it around on yourself, it shows you got work to do on yourself.
Highly recommend to listen on this book on audiobook the first time then on the second time read the physical or ebook copy. Take the time to do the journal prompts and really reflect on them.
So worth the read.
It was hard not to be the obvious co dependent and think of someone else for this book. But once you turn it around on yourself, it shows you got work to do on yourself.
Highly recommend to listen on this book on audiobook the first time then on the second time read the physical or ebook copy. Take the time to do the journal prompts and really reflect on them.
So worth the read.
December 11, 2024
I really loved this book. I’ve never felt so seen and heard before, and it was really interesting to see how the long-term effects of being an HFC can be detrimental. I learned some really good tools on how to manage my own boundaries and expectations and will be using these going forward. I highly recommend this book!!
November 16, 2025
new bible just dropped
February 1, 2025
Listened to a podcast w/this author & was fascinated by the concept. Relevant in so many ways.
March 15, 2025
My therapist recommended this book. I think that it’s a book many people need to read. I learned a lot.
The 4 biggest takeaways were:
-We are not responsible for everything and everyone. What we think is right/best may not be.
-We are like mirrors and need to reflect on difficult situations/conversations to understand what triggered us.
-Give yourself the gift of doing something fun but not necessarily productive (something I definitely found myself doing with my hikes and outings).
-“Limit doomscrolling and other distracting content. For the last few years our world has been overwhelmed with, well, overwhelm. . . “
The 4 biggest takeaways were:
-We are not responsible for everything and everyone. What we think is right/best may not be.
-We are like mirrors and need to reflect on difficult situations/conversations to understand what triggered us.
-Give yourself the gift of doing something fun but not necessarily productive (something I definitely found myself doing with my hikes and outings).
-“Limit doomscrolling and other distracting content. For the last few years our world has been overwhelmed with, well, overwhelm. . . “
November 13, 2025
No idea how this book got on my radar, but I’m so thankful it did. I definitely need to listen again and buy this book.
This self development is really well written and helpful. Organized into thoughtful chapters and I listened to a few of them twice.
Author did a great job narrating.
Thanks to the San Diego County Library for the digital audio version via Libby app.
[Audio: 7 hours, 8 minutes]
This self development is really well written and helpful. Organized into thoughtful chapters and I listened to a few of them twice.
Author did a great job narrating.
Thanks to the San Diego County Library for the digital audio version via Libby app.
[Audio: 7 hours, 8 minutes]
February 10, 2025
While I don't think I entirely fit this mold, I could relate to a lot of it. Got called out on a few things for sure. It had some useful tips and journaling prompts. I do think it could have focused more on the narcissist-codependent relationship. It did cover it a little, but I personally wanted more on that. Otherwise, the information was clearly conveyed and flowed nicely. Therapy homework ✔️
May 11, 2025
Very fitting that I finished this book on mother’s day. I think this book was the most beneficial self help book I’ve ever read. It really has changed my life. This silent pressure I’ve always put on myself to be in charge of others lives has been so damaging to my psyche. I’m excited to see what peace I find as I release these pressures.
September 28, 2025
My therapist recommended this book to me…which was rude, but also deeply helpful. I had a pretty misaligned understanding of what codependency was and the kinds of people it affected. I found this book easy to read and filled with helpful examples and exercises. My only nitpick is that the book has some pretty ableist moments in it that I found triggering as someone with a chronic illness. But other than that, I found many nuggets of this book helpful and interesting.
February 11, 2025
I haven’t yet processed this book entirely, but have many sections bookmarked to go back to. A very necessary read that had me gasping in parts as I recognized myself.
July 13, 2025
Belangrijk boek voor mij. Heeft voor veel inzichten gezorgd. Een boek om binnen handbereik te hebben om naar terug te kunnen grijpen, om stukjes te herlezen wanneer je er nood aan hebt
July 25, 2025
at first I thought no way will this be relatable for me..but turns out my therapist knows more than I do because yep I truly needed to hear all this!!!
July 30, 2025
This is fantastic! Allowed me good insight into my behaviors and anxiety! Saw a lot of myself in these pages!
November 28, 2025
Dammit, Terri.
July 6, 2025
whoa, I didn't think I was codependent until I read this. yup. I am.
March 30, 2025
I really enjoyed this read, recommended by my therapist. I’m a total HFC (working to stay on my side of the street) Some was FOR me, spot on, and other pieces not so much.
I took a ton of notes and felt seen a lot, which has a ton of value on its own. Even though the author did offer lots of helpful exercises, I still didn’t feel like there was as much actionable takeaway as I would have liked, particularly ongoing work to break the HFC tendencies (meditate, have a zen den, slow down?).
I would totally recommend this book to anyone who reads about High Functioning Co-Dependents and feels like they identify.
I took a ton of notes and felt seen a lot, which has a ton of value on its own. Even though the author did offer lots of helpful exercises, I still didn’t feel like there was as much actionable takeaway as I would have liked, particularly ongoing work to break the HFC tendencies (meditate, have a zen den, slow down?).
I would totally recommend this book to anyone who reads about High Functioning Co-Dependents and feels like they identify.
August 31, 2025
Heel duidelijk en vlot leesbaar, de vele affirmaties en reminders tussenin maakten het voor mij soms wat rommelig. De praktische handvaten aan het eind vond ik wel fijn. Misschien waren die affirmaties en reminders ook beter daar gezet. Maar voor de rest boeiende lectuur ☺️
January 8, 2025
So good. End resentment, stop doing too much and find out how this cycle came to be. Completely eye opening. I cannot imagine the woman who does not need to read this book, but that’s who I want to be!
February 18, 2025
4.5 stars, rounded up!
This is one of the better self help books I’ve read. Though I feel like I’m on the other side of “active recovery” from HFC, this book helped put so much of my past behavior into perspective, and served as a helpful way to reinforce things I’ve learned in therapy.
I loved one of the first chapters, when the author frames up the risk of shame feelings bubbling up as you read it. That was sure true of me, but she takes such a compassionate approach throughout, that it ended up being a net positive read. I probably would have benefited a lot from reading this a few years ago!!
My only critique is that her definition of HFC casts a WIDE net. There’s a lot of behaviors that felt tangentially related, or outdated views of co-dependency, that it made it harder to relate to.
I have one other critique - and this is now me stepping on my soapbox against wider issues in the western-and-white-oriented views of American therapy, more so than the book: some things we label as “HFC” behavior are actually what it takes to exist in a community system. Perhaps the world would be a little kinder, a little more sane, a little healthier if we all were community oriented. And that’s where I brush up against some friction in my own healing. There’s things labeled as “not working” in therapy that I feel would actually be very positive traits/behaviors in a different environment or context.
Anyway, I’ll step off my soapbox and recommend this book!!!
This is one of the better self help books I’ve read. Though I feel like I’m on the other side of “active recovery” from HFC, this book helped put so much of my past behavior into perspective, and served as a helpful way to reinforce things I’ve learned in therapy.
I loved one of the first chapters, when the author frames up the risk of shame feelings bubbling up as you read it. That was sure true of me, but she takes such a compassionate approach throughout, that it ended up being a net positive read. I probably would have benefited a lot from reading this a few years ago!!
My only critique is that her definition of HFC casts a WIDE net. There’s a lot of behaviors that felt tangentially related, or outdated views of co-dependency, that it made it harder to relate to.
I have one other critique - and this is now me stepping on my soapbox against wider issues in the western-and-white-oriented views of American therapy, more so than the book: some things we label as “HFC” behavior are actually what it takes to exist in a community system. Perhaps the world would be a little kinder, a little more sane, a little healthier if we all were community oriented. And that’s where I brush up against some friction in my own healing. There’s things labeled as “not working” in therapy that I feel would actually be very positive traits/behaviors in a different environment or context.
Anyway, I’ll step off my soapbox and recommend this book!!!
September 10, 2025
My therapist recommended this book to me, and I wish I had found more value in it than I did. If Goodreads allowed half-stars, I'd probably give it 2.5 stars, but it's not quite worth 3 for me.
I'm going to complain a lot in this review, so first I want to start off with the positive parts. There is definitely something to the idea that some people, particularly those socialized as women from a young age, turn into high-functioning people-pleasers/codependents. Women and people socialized as women are indeed often taught from a young age to set their own needs and wants aside and to prioritize the comfort and feelings of others. It's a very good idea to teach everyone how to set healthy boundaries in order to either avoid or at least heal from burnout.
However, it felt as though the author was perhaps applying too broad a brush to her canvas. A lot of the behaviours she lists can just as easily be a manifestation of other personality traits and not necessarily codependency.
The book often came off like an oddly patronizing apologia for the target audience. Look at you! Look at what a smart, accomplished boss woman you are! Aren't you amazing and clever and capable, but it's time to *take care of YOU*. Which, in theory I agree with, but somehow this book set my teeth on edge about it. All of the examples were of career women who "had it all" but were unable to say no to their partners/family/bosses. They were accomplished, had families, kept impeccable homes, volunteered, etc. And yes, this is supposed to be the crux of the problem, but the book didn't seem entirely convinced of that at times. Also, a lot of the examples of the women learning to be true to themselves seemed to involve some expenditure of money (like renting out an entire dance studio to have a photography shoot of them dancing with a friend). I'm guessing this therapist doesn't have many low-income clients (if any).
The tone of the book also felt weirdly condescending a fair bit of the time, about the rest of the world. Let them make mistakes! the author reassures her target audience. Who are you to decide what lessons they need to learn? You don't need to fix everything for them! Which, okay, I guess? But also, I might have framed it differently. After all, there's nothing to say that the other people are, in fact, making mistakes. You can just disagree about the decisions or the course of action, and it doesn't mean that they are wrong. There's no consideration at any time that the high-functioning codependent person might actually be wrong--the assumption is that they are correct, but they should just be staying in their lane.
The author lost me thoroughly when she referred to a client moving out of the place of "low vibrations" she had been in. Vibrations are not a thing. YOU ARE NOT A TUNING FORK. It's the worst kind of woo-woo nonsense, and it makes me immediately distrust the advise of anyone who uses it unironically.
And a pet peeve, since I was listening to the audiobook: the author repeatedly used the phrase "Say it with me" before uttering a rather banal mantra or affirmation. The thing is, I *can't* say it with you, because I have no idea what you're about to say! It's a very minor gripe, but it came up in every. single. chapter, and by the end I was more than a little irritated by it.
So, uh, yeah. I didn't really like it. Like I said earlier, I think it wasn't meant for me. I suspect it's meant for middle-aged, well-off, cishet white women who need their egos stroked a little bit before they learn to set boundaries about how much they're doing for others. I'm sure I'll have a really interesting conversation with my therapist about it during our next session, however.
I'm going to complain a lot in this review, so first I want to start off with the positive parts. There is definitely something to the idea that some people, particularly those socialized as women from a young age, turn into high-functioning people-pleasers/codependents. Women and people socialized as women are indeed often taught from a young age to set their own needs and wants aside and to prioritize the comfort and feelings of others. It's a very good idea to teach everyone how to set healthy boundaries in order to either avoid or at least heal from burnout.
However, it felt as though the author was perhaps applying too broad a brush to her canvas. A lot of the behaviours she lists can just as easily be a manifestation of other personality traits and not necessarily codependency.
The book often came off like an oddly patronizing apologia for the target audience. Look at you! Look at what a smart, accomplished boss woman you are! Aren't you amazing and clever and capable, but it's time to *take care of YOU*. Which, in theory I agree with, but somehow this book set my teeth on edge about it. All of the examples were of career women who "had it all" but were unable to say no to their partners/family/bosses. They were accomplished, had families, kept impeccable homes, volunteered, etc. And yes, this is supposed to be the crux of the problem, but the book didn't seem entirely convinced of that at times. Also, a lot of the examples of the women learning to be true to themselves seemed to involve some expenditure of money (like renting out an entire dance studio to have a photography shoot of them dancing with a friend). I'm guessing this therapist doesn't have many low-income clients (if any).
The tone of the book also felt weirdly condescending a fair bit of the time, about the rest of the world. Let them make mistakes! the author reassures her target audience. Who are you to decide what lessons they need to learn? You don't need to fix everything for them! Which, okay, I guess? But also, I might have framed it differently. After all, there's nothing to say that the other people are, in fact, making mistakes. You can just disagree about the decisions or the course of action, and it doesn't mean that they are wrong. There's no consideration at any time that the high-functioning codependent person might actually be wrong--the assumption is that they are correct, but they should just be staying in their lane.
The author lost me thoroughly when she referred to a client moving out of the place of "low vibrations" she had been in. Vibrations are not a thing. YOU ARE NOT A TUNING FORK. It's the worst kind of woo-woo nonsense, and it makes me immediately distrust the advise of anyone who uses it unironically.
And a pet peeve, since I was listening to the audiobook: the author repeatedly used the phrase "Say it with me" before uttering a rather banal mantra or affirmation. The thing is, I *can't* say it with you, because I have no idea what you're about to say! It's a very minor gripe, but it came up in every. single. chapter, and by the end I was more than a little irritated by it.
So, uh, yeah. I didn't really like it. Like I said earlier, I think it wasn't meant for me. I suspect it's meant for middle-aged, well-off, cishet white women who need their egos stroked a little bit before they learn to set boundaries about how much they're doing for others. I'm sure I'll have a really interesting conversation with my therapist about it during our next session, however.
May 6, 2025
Książka Terri Cole „Jak przestać zadowalać innych. Uwolnij się od wysokofunkcjonującego współuzależnienia” to pełen refleksji przewodnik po mechanizmach, które trzymają nas w pułapce nadmiernego dbania o innych kosztem siebie. Od pierwszych stron autorka otwiera oczy na temat, który dotyka wielu z nas, zwłaszcza w kontekście współczesnego życia pełnego nieustannego poświęcania się i robienia „wszystkiego za innych”. Jako społeczeństwo jesteśmy często wychowywani w przekonaniu, że pomaganie innym, bez względu na koszty, to synonim szlachetności i sukcesu. A jednak, jak zauważa Cole, to zbyt często prowadzi do utraty siebie.
Autorka zaczyna swoją książkę od ważnego pytania: „Zanim zaczniesz rozwiązywać jakiś problem, upewnij się, czy to twój problem.” To pytanie jest kluczowe dla zrozumienia, w jakiej pułapce się znaleźliśmy – pułapce, w której czujemy się odpowiedzialni za emocje innych i podejmujemy się zadań, które nie są naszymi, tylko dlatego, że boimy się odrzucenia lub niezadowolenia innych. Z perspektywy osoby, która miała do czynienia z wysokofunkcjonującym współuzależnieniem (HFC), to brzmi znajomo – staramy się być wszędzie i dla wszystkich, ale zapominamy o sobie. Zaczyna to przypominać nieustanny taniec na cienkiej linii między opieką a wypaleniem.
W swojej książce Cole trafnie identyfikuje, jak HFC, czyli wysokofunkcjonujące współuzależnienie, prowadzi do destrukcyjnych wzorców relacji. Sposób, w jaki wchodzimy w relacje, jest pełen poświęcenia, ale kosztem własnych granic i emocji. Zamiast opierać się na zdrowych relacjach, w których dajemy z równowagi, nasze działania wynikają z lęku przed odrzuceniem lub poczuciem winy, że nie robimy „dość”. To niewidzialny ciężar, który niesiemy przez całe życie, często nie zdając sobie sprawy z jego destrukcyjnych skutków.
Kolejnym istotnym elementem książki jest proces uzdrawiania. Terri Cole nie pozostawia nas bez nadziei. Wskazuje na konkretne kroki, które mogą pomóc wyjść z tego schematu: naukę stawiania granic, prawdziwego dbania o siebie (self-care), oraz budowania emocjonalnej odporności. Podkreśla, że tylko poprzez zrozumienie własnych potrzeb i nauczenie się, jak dbać o siebie, możemy naprawdę pomóc innym. Przemiana, której doświadczają osoby pracujące nad sobą w kontekście HFC, jest niezwykle głęboka – odzyskują oni poczucie sprawczości, wewnętrznej równowagi i szacunku do swoich potrzeb.
Książka „Jak przestać zadowalać innych” jest więc czymś więcej niż tylko psychologiczną lekturą. To zaproszenie do podróży ku autentyczności. Jest niezwykle cenna dla osób, które czują się przytłoczone odpowiedzialnością za emocje innych, ponieważ pomaga im zrozumieć, jak nieustanne zadowalanie innych odbiera przestrzeń na własny rozwój. Cole pokazuje, że można żyć inaczej, z większym szacunkiem do siebie. Dzięki jej poradom każdy może poczuć się pewniej, budując relacje, które są oparte na wzajemnym szacunku i autentyczności, a nie na strachu przed odrzuceniem.
Polecam tę książkę każdemu, kto czuje, że jego życie jest zdominowane przez potrzeby innych, a własne pragnienia i emocje schodzą na drugi plan. To lektura obowiązkowa, która pomaga odzyskać kontrolę nad własnym życiem, odzyskać równowagę i zrozumieć, że nasze potrzeby są równie ważne, jak potrzeby innych. Zdecydowanie warto sięgnąć po tę książkę, bo każdy z nas zasługuje na to, by żyć w zgodzie z sobą, a nie w trybie ciągłego „ratowania” innych.
Dziękuję za zaufanie i egzemplarz do recenzji od @wydawnictwootwarte (współpraca reklamowa) 🩷.
Autorka zaczyna swoją książkę od ważnego pytania: „Zanim zaczniesz rozwiązywać jakiś problem, upewnij się, czy to twój problem.” To pytanie jest kluczowe dla zrozumienia, w jakiej pułapce się znaleźliśmy – pułapce, w której czujemy się odpowiedzialni za emocje innych i podejmujemy się zadań, które nie są naszymi, tylko dlatego, że boimy się odrzucenia lub niezadowolenia innych. Z perspektywy osoby, która miała do czynienia z wysokofunkcjonującym współuzależnieniem (HFC), to brzmi znajomo – staramy się być wszędzie i dla wszystkich, ale zapominamy o sobie. Zaczyna to przypominać nieustanny taniec na cienkiej linii między opieką a wypaleniem.
W swojej książce Cole trafnie identyfikuje, jak HFC, czyli wysokofunkcjonujące współuzależnienie, prowadzi do destrukcyjnych wzorców relacji. Sposób, w jaki wchodzimy w relacje, jest pełen poświęcenia, ale kosztem własnych granic i emocji. Zamiast opierać się na zdrowych relacjach, w których dajemy z równowagi, nasze działania wynikają z lęku przed odrzuceniem lub poczuciem winy, że nie robimy „dość”. To niewidzialny ciężar, który niesiemy przez całe życie, często nie zdając sobie sprawy z jego destrukcyjnych skutków.
Kolejnym istotnym elementem książki jest proces uzdrawiania. Terri Cole nie pozostawia nas bez nadziei. Wskazuje na konkretne kroki, które mogą pomóc wyjść z tego schematu: naukę stawiania granic, prawdziwego dbania o siebie (self-care), oraz budowania emocjonalnej odporności. Podkreśla, że tylko poprzez zrozumienie własnych potrzeb i nauczenie się, jak dbać o siebie, możemy naprawdę pomóc innym. Przemiana, której doświadczają osoby pracujące nad sobą w kontekście HFC, jest niezwykle głęboka – odzyskują oni poczucie sprawczości, wewnętrznej równowagi i szacunku do swoich potrzeb.
Książka „Jak przestać zadowalać innych” jest więc czymś więcej niż tylko psychologiczną lekturą. To zaproszenie do podróży ku autentyczności. Jest niezwykle cenna dla osób, które czują się przytłoczone odpowiedzialnością za emocje innych, ponieważ pomaga im zrozumieć, jak nieustanne zadowalanie innych odbiera przestrzeń na własny rozwój. Cole pokazuje, że można żyć inaczej, z większym szacunkiem do siebie. Dzięki jej poradom każdy może poczuć się pewniej, budując relacje, które są oparte na wzajemnym szacunku i autentyczności, a nie na strachu przed odrzuceniem.
Polecam tę książkę każdemu, kto czuje, że jego życie jest zdominowane przez potrzeby innych, a własne pragnienia i emocje schodzą na drugi plan. To lektura obowiązkowa, która pomaga odzyskać kontrolę nad własnym życiem, odzyskać równowagę i zrozumieć, że nasze potrzeby są równie ważne, jak potrzeby innych. Zdecydowanie warto sięgnąć po tę książkę, bo każdy z nas zasługuje na to, by żyć w zgodzie z sobą, a nie w trybie ciągłego „ratowania” innych.
Dziękuję za zaufanie i egzemplarz do recenzji od @wydawnictwootwarte (współpraca reklamowa) 🩷.
March 21, 2025
Ik heb dit boek gelezen omdat ik bij sommige mensen hun behoeften laat voorgaan op mijn eigen behoeften. Ook al weet ik dat ik mezelf dan op de laatste plaats zet.
Hoogfunctionerende codependentie is een nieuwe term voor mij. Het komt niet overeen met hoe ik in het leven sta: anderen hun leven willen overnemen en inpalmen. Ik sta net aan de andere kant had ik de indruk bij het lezen van dit goeie boek.
Deel 1 gaf mij wel een beter inzicht en sommige tips kan ik wel gebruiken: ieder blijft op zijn/haar weghelft en draag enkel jouw eigen verantwoordelijkheid.
Hoe een codependente relatie eruit ziet en hoe die meestal ontstaat vanuit de kindertijd is heel verhelderend. Dit deed mij nadenken over mijn kindertijd.
In deel 2 worden de afweermechanismen uitgelegd en dat maak took dingen duidelijk in bepaalde relaties. Ook ontdekte ik mijn afweermechanismen, maar ook de andere hun afweermechanismen.
Ik vond veel bruikbare tips terug en de oefeningen zijn ook interessant om te maken. Achteraan het boek staan ook nog verdiepingsvragen.
Het hoofdstuk waar ik het meest aan gehad heb is 'Grenzen stellen'. Het maakte mij duidelijk dat ik over mijn grenzen ga omdat anderen mij dan een schuldgevoel geven als ik hun verwachtingen niet inlos. Soms laat ik het toe om mijn grenzen te overschrijden omdat ik de energie niet heb om een discussie aan te gaan waarom ik een grens plaats. Ik leerde uit dit boek om toch mijn grens aan te geven ook al weet ik dat de andere partij het er niet mee eens zal zijn. Op die manier blijf ik wel trouw aan mezelf.
Sommige tips die erin staan om bemoeiallen op hun eigen weghelft te houden, draai ik gewoon om. Op die manier kan ik ze wel gebruiken: Vroeg ik hierom? Hebben ze mijn toestemming? Twee korte vragen om te helpen mijn grens te voelen en die dan ook duidelijk aan te kunnen geven.
De tips die ik onthou zijn:
elk zijn/haar weghelft
ik draag enkel mijn verantwoordelijkheid, die van de ander laat ik los
Vroeg ik hierom?
Hebben ze mijn toestemming?
Ik stel mijn eigen geestelijke gezondheid boven het vervullen van onredelijke verwachtingen.
Ik vind het een interessant boek, ook al weet ik dat ik niet echt tot het doelpubliek behoor (managen, bemoeien, overfunctioneren). Het gaf mij een mooie inkijk hoe dit werkt.
Ik geef het boek 4 sterren, een aanrader om te lezen. Het boek leest vlot en is boeiend geschreven, afgewisseld met tips en vragen. Ook het lezen van anderen hun verhaal inspireerde mij om de tips die ik kan gebruiken vanaf nu toe te passen.
#
@ankhhermes
Hoogfunctionerende codependentie is een nieuwe term voor mij. Het komt niet overeen met hoe ik in het leven sta: anderen hun leven willen overnemen en inpalmen. Ik sta net aan de andere kant had ik de indruk bij het lezen van dit goeie boek.
Deel 1 gaf mij wel een beter inzicht en sommige tips kan ik wel gebruiken: ieder blijft op zijn/haar weghelft en draag enkel jouw eigen verantwoordelijkheid.
Hoe een codependente relatie eruit ziet en hoe die meestal ontstaat vanuit de kindertijd is heel verhelderend. Dit deed mij nadenken over mijn kindertijd.
In deel 2 worden de afweermechanismen uitgelegd en dat maak took dingen duidelijk in bepaalde relaties. Ook ontdekte ik mijn afweermechanismen, maar ook de andere hun afweermechanismen.
Ik vond veel bruikbare tips terug en de oefeningen zijn ook interessant om te maken. Achteraan het boek staan ook nog verdiepingsvragen.
Het hoofdstuk waar ik het meest aan gehad heb is 'Grenzen stellen'. Het maakte mij duidelijk dat ik over mijn grenzen ga omdat anderen mij dan een schuldgevoel geven als ik hun verwachtingen niet inlos. Soms laat ik het toe om mijn grenzen te overschrijden omdat ik de energie niet heb om een discussie aan te gaan waarom ik een grens plaats. Ik leerde uit dit boek om toch mijn grens aan te geven ook al weet ik dat de andere partij het er niet mee eens zal zijn. Op die manier blijf ik wel trouw aan mezelf.
Sommige tips die erin staan om bemoeiallen op hun eigen weghelft te houden, draai ik gewoon om. Op die manier kan ik ze wel gebruiken: Vroeg ik hierom? Hebben ze mijn toestemming? Twee korte vragen om te helpen mijn grens te voelen en die dan ook duidelijk aan te kunnen geven.
De tips die ik onthou zijn:
elk zijn/haar weghelft
ik draag enkel mijn verantwoordelijkheid, die van de ander laat ik los
Vroeg ik hierom?
Hebben ze mijn toestemming?
Ik stel mijn eigen geestelijke gezondheid boven het vervullen van onredelijke verwachtingen.
Ik vind het een interessant boek, ook al weet ik dat ik niet echt tot het doelpubliek behoor (managen, bemoeien, overfunctioneren). Het gaf mij een mooie inkijk hoe dit werkt.
Ik geef het boek 4 sterren, een aanrader om te lezen. Het boek leest vlot en is boeiend geschreven, afgewisseld met tips en vragen. Ook het lezen van anderen hun verhaal inspireerde mij om de tips die ik kan gebruiken vanaf nu toe te passen.
#
@ankhhermes
May 19, 2025
" [...] Moją wartość determinuje to, kim jestem, nie to, jak wiele robię dla innych. [...]"
Jeżeli lubicie poradniki, z których możecie czerpać garściami przydatne informacje, to polecam wam dzieło Terri Cole pod tytułem "Jak przestać zadowalać innych".
Znalazłam tutaj kilka praktycznych rad, które mam zamiar wprowadzić w życie.
Czy wy też macie tendencje do zadowalania innych kosztem własnego szczęścia? Czy potraficie być asertywni? Czy siebie stawiacie na pierwszym miejscu, czy raczej wszystkich innych?
Ja staram się stawiać moje potrzeby na pierwszym miejscu, ale... mając własną rodzinę, a zwłaszcza dzieci, to wcale nie jest takie proste. Dlatego z nieba mi spadł ten poradnik.
Tak jak opisuje to Terri Cole często mówię tak, a myślę nie — bo, co ludzie sobie powiedzą. Dla świętego spokoju powiem to, co chcą usłyszeć. Czy wy też tak czasem macie? Czy jednak potraficie się postawić?
Podobają mi się rady udzielane przez Cole. Autorka daje nadzieję na lepsze jutro. Warto skorzystać z tego co napisała.
Ten poradnik jest napisany językiem zrozumiałym dla każdego czytelnika. Terri dzieli się z nami swoimi przeżyciami. Pokazuje drogę, którą przeszła od uszczęśliwiania innych do pełnej harmonii ze swoim życiem.
Autorka w swojej książce "Jak przestać zadowalać innych" zadaje mnóstwo praktycznych pytań, na które warto szczerze odpowiedzieć. Dzięki temu będziecie mogli sprawdzić, czy macie problem z omawianym zagadnieniem.
Czy lubicie wpychać nos w nieswoje sprawy? Czy lubicie rozwiązywać problemy innych lub za innych? Jeżeli odpowiedzieliście pozytywnie, to koniecznie sięgnijcie po ten poradnik. Możliwe, że jesteście osobami współuzależnionymi. Spokojnie, jak przekonuje autorka, z tego da się wyjść.
Ten poradnik jest bardzo dobrze i przejrzyście napisany. W każdym rozdziale znajdziecie, między innymi takie działy jak: Powtórz za mną, Czuła uwaga i Twoja kolej.
Wy tego nie wiecie, ale z tym poradnikiem się pracuje, dlatego warto założyć sobie zeszyt i w nim zapisywać ważne informacje i spostrzeżenia.
Warto do tego poradnika zaglądać co najmniej raz w tygodniu.
Do zapamiętania ⬇️
(...) To, co czujecie, ma znaczenie. To, co myślicie, ma znaczenie. To, czego chcecie, ma znaczenie. [...]
Podoba mi się to, że autorka użyła różnych czcionek i ozdobników do stworzenia tej książki. Dzięki temu wszystko jest przejrzyste i nie da się pogubić.
Jeżeli lubicie poradniki, z których możecie czerpać garściami przydatne informacje, to polecam wam dzieło Terri Cole pod tytułem "Jak przestać zadowalać innych".
Znalazłam tutaj kilka praktycznych rad, które mam zamiar wprowadzić w życie.
Czy wy też macie tendencje do zadowalania innych kosztem własnego szczęścia? Czy potraficie być asertywni? Czy siebie stawiacie na pierwszym miejscu, czy raczej wszystkich innych?
Ja staram się stawiać moje potrzeby na pierwszym miejscu, ale... mając własną rodzinę, a zwłaszcza dzieci, to wcale nie jest takie proste. Dlatego z nieba mi spadł ten poradnik.
Tak jak opisuje to Terri Cole często mówię tak, a myślę nie — bo, co ludzie sobie powiedzą. Dla świętego spokoju powiem to, co chcą usłyszeć. Czy wy też tak czasem macie? Czy jednak potraficie się postawić?
Podobają mi się rady udzielane przez Cole. Autorka daje nadzieję na lepsze jutro. Warto skorzystać z tego co napisała.
Ten poradnik jest napisany językiem zrozumiałym dla każdego czytelnika. Terri dzieli się z nami swoimi przeżyciami. Pokazuje drogę, którą przeszła od uszczęśliwiania innych do pełnej harmonii ze swoim życiem.
Autorka w swojej książce "Jak przestać zadowalać innych" zadaje mnóstwo praktycznych pytań, na które warto szczerze odpowiedzieć. Dzięki temu będziecie mogli sprawdzić, czy macie problem z omawianym zagadnieniem.
Czy lubicie wpychać nos w nieswoje sprawy? Czy lubicie rozwiązywać problemy innych lub za innych? Jeżeli odpowiedzieliście pozytywnie, to koniecznie sięgnijcie po ten poradnik. Możliwe, że jesteście osobami współuzależnionymi. Spokojnie, jak przekonuje autorka, z tego da się wyjść.
Ten poradnik jest bardzo dobrze i przejrzyście napisany. W każdym rozdziale znajdziecie, między innymi takie działy jak: Powtórz za mną, Czuła uwaga i Twoja kolej.
Wy tego nie wiecie, ale z tym poradnikiem się pracuje, dlatego warto założyć sobie zeszyt i w nim zapisywać ważne informacje i spostrzeżenia.
Warto do tego poradnika zaglądać co najmniej raz w tygodniu.
Do zapamiętania ⬇️
(...) To, co czujecie, ma znaczenie. To, co myślicie, ma znaczenie. To, czego chcecie, ma znaczenie. [...]
Podoba mi się to, że autorka użyła różnych czcionek i ozdobników do stworzenia tej książki. Dzięki temu wszystko jest przejrzyste i nie da się pogubić.
May 2, 2025
Ik was ontzettend benieuwd naar dit boek, omdat ik mijn vroegere zelf herken in posts op social media die gaan over codependentie. De ondertitel van het boek beschrijft het al: hooggevoelig voor de verlangens van anderen. Terri Cole schrijft in dit boek over hoogfunctionerende codependentie. Daar had ik dan weer nog nooit van gehoord. Het gaat juist over de mensen die alles op orde lijken te hebben, sterk zijn, onafhankelijk, zorgzaam, maar ondertussen zichzelf compleet wegcijferen en veel moeite hebben met grenzen stellen.
Het boek is heel toegankelijk en helder geschreven. Er worden ontzettend veel voorbeelden uit het dagelijks leven genoemd, waar veel vrouwen zich in herkennen, vermoed ik. Dat kan af en toe dus best confronterend zijn, als het net lijkt alsof Terri Cole over jouzelf schrijft. Ik weet nog dat ik jaren geleden een keer hoorde dat people pleasing helemaal niet om de ander gaat, maar over jezelf. Over je angst voor confrontatie, teleurstelling of boosheid van de ander. Dat opende mijn ogen en beschrijft de schrijfster ook heel duidelijk in dit boek. Natuurlijk maakt ze duidelijk dat dit niet je eigen schuld is. Deze gewoonten zijn ontstaan in je kindertijd. Alleen al dat soort inzichten brengen zoveel bewustzijn dat je andere keuzes kunt gaan maken.
Ik vind het ontzettend fijn hoe praktisch het boek is. Er staan reminders in, bezinningsmomenten en concrete tips hoe je meer voor jezelf kunt gaan zorgen in plaats van altijd eerst aan anderen te denken. Van hele kleine dingen die je voor jezelf kunt doen, direct wanneer je het boek leest, tot wat grotere acties die meer tijd en oefening nodig hebben. Het is niet vaak dat ik zo’n compleet boek lees.
Dus ik zou dit boek absoluut aanraden. Vooral dus aan mensen die zich hebben aangeleerd om altijd eerst voor anderen te zorgen en dan pas voor zichzelf (meestal is de week dan wel om). En aan mensen die altijd veel meer geven dan ze ontvangen, en daar misschien ook wel frustratie en boosheid over voelen.
Het boek is heel toegankelijk en helder geschreven. Er worden ontzettend veel voorbeelden uit het dagelijks leven genoemd, waar veel vrouwen zich in herkennen, vermoed ik. Dat kan af en toe dus best confronterend zijn, als het net lijkt alsof Terri Cole over jouzelf schrijft. Ik weet nog dat ik jaren geleden een keer hoorde dat people pleasing helemaal niet om de ander gaat, maar over jezelf. Over je angst voor confrontatie, teleurstelling of boosheid van de ander. Dat opende mijn ogen en beschrijft de schrijfster ook heel duidelijk in dit boek. Natuurlijk maakt ze duidelijk dat dit niet je eigen schuld is. Deze gewoonten zijn ontstaan in je kindertijd. Alleen al dat soort inzichten brengen zoveel bewustzijn dat je andere keuzes kunt gaan maken.
Ik vind het ontzettend fijn hoe praktisch het boek is. Er staan reminders in, bezinningsmomenten en concrete tips hoe je meer voor jezelf kunt gaan zorgen in plaats van altijd eerst aan anderen te denken. Van hele kleine dingen die je voor jezelf kunt doen, direct wanneer je het boek leest, tot wat grotere acties die meer tijd en oefening nodig hebben. Het is niet vaak dat ik zo’n compleet boek lees.
Dus ik zou dit boek absoluut aanraden. Vooral dus aan mensen die zich hebben aangeleerd om altijd eerst voor anderen te zorgen en dan pas voor zichzelf (meestal is de week dan wel om). En aan mensen die altijd veel meer geven dan ze ontvangen, en daar misschien ook wel frustratie en boosheid over voelen.
March 19, 2025
‘Codependentie’ is een mega interessant boek en een echte eye-opener!
Terri Cole heeft een fijne en toegankelijke schrijfstijl. Ze legt het begrip codependentie op een duidelijke en heldere manier uit. Door het gebruik van voorbeelden wordt het een tastbaar begrip.
De chronologische opbouw van het boek is van zeer toegevoegde waarde. Elk hoofdstuk leer je iets nieuws bij en krijg je een omvangrijk beeld bij het begrip codependentie. Door de oefeningen en overdenkingsvragen ga je ook kijken op welke manier codependentie invloed heeft op je eigen leven. Door deze praktische insteek van het boek, ga je direct aan de slag met de kennis die je wordt aangeboden.
In het boek wisselt theorie zich af met oefeningen, bewustwordingsvragen, adviezen en voorbeelden. Hierdoor krijg je als lezer een breed beeld van het begrip en zie je ook alle facetten die gepaard gaan met codependentie.
Het lezen van dit boek kan soms best confronterend zijn. Daarbij is de motiverende schrijfwijze van de auteur erg helpend. Er worden handvatten geboden om een verandering door te voeren in je eigen leven. Door de manier van schrijven word je ook gemotiveerd om met de handvatten aan de slag te gaan.
Het boek heeft mij geholpen om bewustzijn te creëren over mijn eigen situatie en heeft mij handelingsopties gegeven voor de toekomst.
‘Codependentie’ is zeker een boek dat ik er nog veel vaker bij ga pakken. Mocht je het boek lezen, houdt dan ook zeker pen en papier bij de hand, of markeer interessante passages in het boek. Zo kun je altijd teruggrijpen op interessant informatie, want hier zit het boek bomvol mee.
Mocht je al bekent zijn met het begrip, of juist helemaal nog niet, dan is dit een absolute aanrader om te lezen. Het boek helpt je patronen doorbreken, grenzen stellen en te stoppen met overfunctioneren.
Het boek krijgt van mij dan ook *****!
Bedankt voor het recensie-exemplaar AnkhHermes.
NB: dit boek heb ik ontvangen in ruil voor mijn eerlijke mening.
Terri Cole heeft een fijne en toegankelijke schrijfstijl. Ze legt het begrip codependentie op een duidelijke en heldere manier uit. Door het gebruik van voorbeelden wordt het een tastbaar begrip.
De chronologische opbouw van het boek is van zeer toegevoegde waarde. Elk hoofdstuk leer je iets nieuws bij en krijg je een omvangrijk beeld bij het begrip codependentie. Door de oefeningen en overdenkingsvragen ga je ook kijken op welke manier codependentie invloed heeft op je eigen leven. Door deze praktische insteek van het boek, ga je direct aan de slag met de kennis die je wordt aangeboden.
In het boek wisselt theorie zich af met oefeningen, bewustwordingsvragen, adviezen en voorbeelden. Hierdoor krijg je als lezer een breed beeld van het begrip en zie je ook alle facetten die gepaard gaan met codependentie.
Het lezen van dit boek kan soms best confronterend zijn. Daarbij is de motiverende schrijfwijze van de auteur erg helpend. Er worden handvatten geboden om een verandering door te voeren in je eigen leven. Door de manier van schrijven word je ook gemotiveerd om met de handvatten aan de slag te gaan.
Het boek heeft mij geholpen om bewustzijn te creëren over mijn eigen situatie en heeft mij handelingsopties gegeven voor de toekomst.
‘Codependentie’ is zeker een boek dat ik er nog veel vaker bij ga pakken. Mocht je het boek lezen, houdt dan ook zeker pen en papier bij de hand, of markeer interessante passages in het boek. Zo kun je altijd teruggrijpen op interessant informatie, want hier zit het boek bomvol mee.
Mocht je al bekent zijn met het begrip, of juist helemaal nog niet, dan is dit een absolute aanrader om te lezen. Het boek helpt je patronen doorbreken, grenzen stellen en te stoppen met overfunctioneren.
Het boek krijgt van mij dan ook *****!
Bedankt voor het recensie-exemplaar AnkhHermes.
NB: dit boek heb ik ontvangen in ruil voor mijn eerlijke mening.
September 16, 2025
Listening to this felt like being seen. Terri Cole skillfully names and unpacks the patterns that make us over-give, people-please, or hide parts of ourselves — and she offers clear, practical tools to change them. As an audiobook it’s warm, accessible, and easy to return to when you need a reminder.
What made this book especially powerful for me: I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and an empath. Ever since childhood I’ve felt things more intensely than others, and that deep feeling shaped how I showed up in relationships and in the world. Too Much spoke directly to that experience — validating the way I’ve always felt, explaining why those sensitivities can be both a gift and a challenge, and giving me concrete steps to protect my energy without shutting down. After listening, I honestly felt lighter.
___________________________________
Top takeaways (no spoilers):
✅Boundaries are not mean — they’re essential. This audiobook gives simple, repeatable ways to set and maintain them.
✅Learn to separate your feelings from other people’s needs and emotions; that clarity protects your energy.
✅Guilt and shame often masquerade as responsibility; calling that out is liberating.
✅ Small, consistent practices (phrases to say, short rituals, self-checks) create big, lasting shifts.
✅ Being “too much” can actually mean you’re richly feeling, passionate, or deeply empathic — those are strengths when held with skill.
If you’ve ever been told you’re “too sensitive,” or if you’re learning to honor your emotional depth, this book is an excellent guide. I think everyone could benefit from listening or reading it.
"Codependency is when you're overly invested in the feelings and outcomes of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace".
“By choosing the path of healing and recovery, you are coming home to yourself.”
What made this book especially powerful for me: I’m a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and an empath. Ever since childhood I’ve felt things more intensely than others, and that deep feeling shaped how I showed up in relationships and in the world. Too Much spoke directly to that experience — validating the way I’ve always felt, explaining why those sensitivities can be both a gift and a challenge, and giving me concrete steps to protect my energy without shutting down. After listening, I honestly felt lighter.
___________________________________
Top takeaways (no spoilers):
✅Boundaries are not mean — they’re essential. This audiobook gives simple, repeatable ways to set and maintain them.
✅Learn to separate your feelings from other people’s needs and emotions; that clarity protects your energy.
✅Guilt and shame often masquerade as responsibility; calling that out is liberating.
✅ Small, consistent practices (phrases to say, short rituals, self-checks) create big, lasting shifts.
✅ Being “too much” can actually mean you’re richly feeling, passionate, or deeply empathic — those are strengths when held with skill.
If you’ve ever been told you’re “too sensitive,” or if you’re learning to honor your emotional depth, this book is an excellent guide. I think everyone could benefit from listening or reading it.
"Codependency is when you're overly invested in the feelings and outcomes of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace".
“By choosing the path of healing and recovery, you are coming home to yourself.”
November 1, 2025
As I spend more time reading whatever pops up for me, I stumbled across “Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency.” It is another psychological relationship self-help books. Several people I’ve been talking with have been speaking about codependency. One of them recommended this book and I wanted to explore the topic in more detail.
Often, we think of codependency in terms of supporting people with addiction or various illnesses. Yet Cole looks at codependency more broadly, defining high-functioning codependency as “being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, circumstances, relationships, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace and well-being.” I’ve done my share of caregiving throughout my life, and I’ve chosen caregiving as my profession and for me, it doesn’t currently feel detrimental, but this book is a good check-in, even for those who feel they have their caregiving under control.
Cole helps her readers explore why they have a compulsion to help others, how it relates to boundaries and self-care, and things that can be done to bring better balance to life. This is something that many people training to become chaplains explore. I’ve certainly explored it a lot over the past few years. So, I strongly recommend this book to people starting chaplaincy residency programs, and people who are chronic caregivers and fixers especially if that caregiving damages the quality of their own lives.
There are some great tools in the book, and I suggest reading the book with caregivers in your life.
Often, we think of codependency in terms of supporting people with addiction or various illnesses. Yet Cole looks at codependency more broadly, defining high-functioning codependency as “being overly invested in the feeling states, outcomes, circumstances, relationships, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your own internal peace and well-being.” I’ve done my share of caregiving throughout my life, and I’ve chosen caregiving as my profession and for me, it doesn’t currently feel detrimental, but this book is a good check-in, even for those who feel they have their caregiving under control.
Cole helps her readers explore why they have a compulsion to help others, how it relates to boundaries and self-care, and things that can be done to bring better balance to life. This is something that many people training to become chaplains explore. I’ve certainly explored it a lot over the past few years. So, I strongly recommend this book to people starting chaplaincy residency programs, and people who are chronic caregivers and fixers especially if that caregiving damages the quality of their own lives.
There are some great tools in the book, and I suggest reading the book with caregivers in your life.
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