Knowing and Being Known: Hope for All Our Intimate Relationships

by Erin F. Moniz

"I can live without sex, but I can't live without intimacy."

In today's landscape of digital interactions, many people long for deeper connections. We have a desire to move from being lonely and disconnected in our relationships to be seen, known, and wholly loved. From friendships to romantic relationships, meaningful and genuine personal connections remain our heart's desire.

College chaplain Rev. Erin Moniz is deeply attuned to the questions and concerns of today's emerging adults. In Knowing and Being Known, she

explores the essential elements of healthy relationships,addresses the complexities of intimacy,and shines a light on the barriers that can impede genuine connection.With her compelling storytelling and expert insights from her research with emerging adults, she emphasizes the significant role of identity and self-worth in fostering meaningful relationships. This comprehensive resource goes beyond the subject of sex, providing a holistic perspective on intimacy that resonates with single emerging adults and married couples alike.

Begin to experience healthy relationships and transform your relational world as you ask better questions to get better answers. To know that we are loved by God is to know our identity in Christ. And this knowing provides us the tools and the path to a healthy, sustainable intimacy that allows us to be at home in our fullness in the gospel and with each other.

Genres: Christianity, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Theology

240 pages, Paperback

Published May 6, 2025

Reviews

[Bethany Ritter · Rating 5 out of 5]

10/10!! It’s not really a book on dating, but it’s the best book on dating I’ve read and the only one I would recommend!!! Everyone needs to read this book! Erin’s critique of the state of young adult relationships in our culture puts words to a struggle I have felt deeply in my young adult life, and her encouragement to practice the art of friendship and pursue intimate relationships in all of our relationships was a gift! I’ve found myself asking deeper questions, being more vulnerable, and being more intentional with the people around me! I’m so thankful for Erin and her wisdom!

[Hannah Blanton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Haiku!

Remember, Child.
Know God and others deeply.
Hospitality.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I can live without sex, but I can’t live without intimacy.” With that banger of an opening line, Erin Moniz proceeds to probe into the heart of why we as humans desire intimate relationships so desperately and how we can’t find the intimacy we crave. A few of Moniz’s most impactful ideas for me…

- All intimate relationships require communication and trust building behaviors with self giving love, reciprocity, attention, curiosity, managing expectations, commitment, and mutuality.

- The church has a marriage idolatry problem…intimacy is not just for married people…we all need intimate friendships.

- Jesus is the true friend who shows us by example how to have intimate relationships. Moniz’s theology of intimacy was mind-blowing. I loved the thought that God forms intimacy with us by the Holy Spirit who woos us.

-The whole point of intimate relationships? To become communities of remembrance and remind each other again and again of our identity in Christ…constantly calibrating each other’s compasses to point to true north.

- Her section on the implications for the local church takes all this knowledge about intimate relationships, and challenges the church to be a true family. We need each other! All ages, all people…united in a chosen family to love each other and remind each other of the hope of the gospel.

This is such a fantastic book. Everyone would benefit from reading it.

[Michael Paul · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is soooo good! It’s so helpful in understanding how our culture has shaped us in ways that keep us from forming intimate relationships not only within marriage but equally in our friendships, and family and how the Gospel clearly can guide us to be in community, the importance of being known, and learning how to know others more deeply. The use of social science, and biblical truths is both practically helpful and spiritually formative to help us have healthy intimacy as well as how leaders in the church can and should be teaching these truths.

[Phil Gaines · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️. amazing concept, and a very needed conversation in the church today. at times i found it repetitive, and different chapters were less distinct than i expected. in sum it said less than i would have liked. the chapter on loneliness was excellent, though.

[James Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author doesn't shy away from difficulty and serious reflection of personal and church practice. I'm not a Christian so the grounding in a trinitarian identity of divinity isn't the bridge to relationship with Spirit that I cross (and I do believe a loving God welcomes seekers over different bridges and delights in our attempts to get close) but I really appreciate the author's commitment to taking the specific bridge to God she has chosen seriously. Specificity can be more helpful than amorphous tales even for those of us who need to translate to other frameworks. See page 93 for the author's thesis that doesn't rest on the necessity of a trinitarian God, but also page 78 for her seeming commitment to the idea that there is only one bridge to Spirit.

NB: Chapter 2 used a Christian narrative to articulate what Marx would have called alienation. The author doesn't note this but she does acknowledge other more recent social science research on things like attachment, etc.

For Shir Tikvah: 62, 64, 170 (use 159 as resource for dvar; and see also 170-1)
Loneliness (sometimes solitude): 30-1, 62-4, 143, 146-9, 155, 158, 163, 168, 198
Desire: 36 (see also 39 re consent)
Grief and support for those in mourning: 118
Theology of intimacy: 120, 122, 126, 127 (compare to Buber), 128-9, 131, 171, 182, 183 (also friendship), 192-201 (also calls to radical hospitality; see also 204-6)
Nature of human intimacy as creatures of God: 95, 98-9, 117, 141, 156
Grace and sin: 74-6, 111, 198
Purity culture/marriage not as holy but as an accommodation to porn culture: 56, 58


43 rx of desire to loneliness in modern culture: "We have liberated fantasy but killed imagination, and so have sealed ourselves in selfishness and loneliness," observes Wendall Berry. The values of autonomy, entitlement, and productivity lead us away from the essentials of healthy, sustainable intimacy. This is evidenced by the fact that, even with all this technology and sexual freedom, we are lonelier than ever.
62 We continued a pattern of romance idolatry mixed with entitlement and autonomy. We sustain cultural messages of hypersexualization, objectification, and commodification. Just like any industry, we have embraced the allure of productivity and achievement. So we made our own currency and ascribed value to people accordingly, and we reap similar results of isolation and loneliness.
[...] They arrive and leave as individuals who practice the illusion of community simply by gathering.
63 If you want to know whether your church is self-perpetuating isolation instead of connection, just ask the singles, widowed, or divorced among you. [...] But what if intimate relationships were not simply about behavior-managed goals but about becoming mature followers of Christ? What if a robust theology of intimacy invites us all to be seen and known despite our relationship status?
64 We can't seem to articulate a robust theology of intimacy.
78 This is why we need to recapture the gospel and re-center it into our theology of intimacy. Only the gospel can provide the answers we need for this ache of insecurity in our value and identity.
[...] And then, in a rare lucid moment, Connie nails it. So now I have to ask, how do we imitate Christ and show God to the world?
88 I propose that we are not simply created for relationship generally but intimacy specifically.
[...] Christian anthropology studies how our spiritual reality informs our physical reality. In other words, our entrance into the world sparks a desire for more than just physical connection. We want to be seen and known.
89 "Every baby comes into the world looking for someone who is looking for him or her. To have a conscious, embodied awareness of being known by God is a necessary feature of the life of loving God, and our awareness of being known by God is measured by the degree to which we are known by each other. This type of hunger abides with us forever."
This is a loaded observation by Curt Thompson that echoes the words of Psalm 139. If we recognize that we are created for intimacy from birth and spend our whole lives desiring it, then the implications lay an important foundation. It is our first move toward true north.
[...] Being hardwired for intimacy is part of the human condition. [...] all human beings who lived or will ever live come into this world "looking for someone looking for us."
93 It is important to recognize that intimacy is not an idea we created out of our loneliness, but a gift that is an outflow of the abundance and joy of God's self.
135 Friendship, I said, doesn't solve the problem of loneliness so much as it shifts its coordinates. Just as marriage isn't a magic bullet for the pain of loneliness, neither is friendship. It does, we hope, pull us out of ourselves, orienting our vision to our neighbors. But no, I said, it's not enough. It's never enough. WESLEY HILL
By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. JOHN 13:35
136 But what if our relationships with others were the housing for where we experience God, and intimacy where we learn and live the gospel?
152 We just noted that loneliness can never be completely cured until the Lord returns and fully restores all things; this is why he is the Living Water. But in this world, we have an ongoing relationship with thirst.
153 Yet when the people in our lives do not eradicate our feelings of loneliness, we are dismayed.
If we can think of loneliness like we do water and thirst, we can enjoy the moments of reprieve that our healthy relationships bring us without superimposing unrealistic expectations on them.
160 Not only do I need relationships, but I need my life to be woven together with intimate relationships whose fundamental purpose is the gospel. I need my friendships, my family, and my marriage to all be communities of remembrance. We must regularly gather to learn the Story of God so that we can know who God is, know who we are, and then live lives as the people we actually are.
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[...] Because of the fall, we are in danger of the same deception that attempts to sell us a different identity. It is an identity based on fear and poverty, where we are led to believe that our circumstances and status get to own us and define us. It is a powerful deception that sells. What hope do we have to combat such a strong lie?
161 If our intimate relationships are not built on being communities of remembrance, then we have missed the point.
162 Within our relationships, a health practice of solitude and intimacy is the framework God set up so that we can know him. We will engage our relationship with him within our relationship with others. We cannot be the body of Christ or use our spiritual gifts without others.
[...] When I come full and free to my work, my relationships, and my life, I come with the freedom to love others. I can do this because no lie of scarcity has made me believe that I need something from them to affirm my worth and value. I am already valued and loved. Now, I can just enjoy the people in my life.
170 The cultural pull of autonomy, entitlement, and productivity seeps into our latest ecclesiology. As a result, the local church in North American Western culture is always in danger of allowing church to function as individuals practicing spiritual liturgies in crowded rooms. [...] Our inattention to this as leaders will reinforce these patterns of consumerism and autonomy.
183 "Paradoxically, human freedom consists in the service of God, but of a God who does not call us 'servants' but 'friends.'" (Liz Carmichael p 180 in Friendship: Interpreting Christian Love)

[Bob · Rating 4 out of 5]

Summary: Explores elements of healthy relationships. the complexities of intimacy, and how the gospel relates to intimacy.

“I can live without sex, but I can’t live without intimacy.”

This statement from Erin F. Moniz’s new book on intimacy comes like a splash of fresh, cold water on the face. A wake up. Provocative. Surprising. And after all that, refreshing. Moniz proposes that intimacy is not confined to sex but has to do with relationships with friends, family, and ultimately, God. But she contends that the intimacy narrative has been co-opted by secular culture. While many young Christians think Christianity ought to enrich one’s understanding of intimacy, few have any idea of how this is so. Cultural narratives, and sexual essentialism reign. In this book, Moniz explores how secularism took over the intimacy narrative, how healthy relationships form and flourish, and how the gospel offers hope for intimacy.

The first part of the book lays groundwork in several ways. Moniz offers a framework for intimate relationships, noting that not all intimate relationships are sexual. Nor are all sexual relationships intimate. Healthy relationships, she contends, are marked by self-giving love, attention and curiosity, and commitment. Two other components undergird these: communication and trust-building behaviors. She then takes a deep dive into cultural analysis, showing how secular culture has coopted our understanding of intimacy. She calls out hook-up culture, romance idolatry, and hypersexualization that threatens to make all relationships sexual. Sadly, Christianity bought into this, confining sexual essentialism to marriage and creating a sexually-charged purity culture. In so doing, we hand youth broken compasses rather than a distinctive relationship ethic centered in the gospel.

The second part of the book addresses the idea of a gospel-centered theology of intimacy. She roots our longing for intimacy in God’s good creation and the loving intimacy within the Trinity. She traces intimacy problems to shame, absent before the fall. We fear vulnerability, an essential to intimacy. Yet God hasn’t given up on us but pursues restorative relationships while preserving our agency and consent. Then Moniz explores the experience of loneliness, which we can assuage in unhealthy ways. Or we can choose to see loneliness as an invitation from God to show us both ourselves and Himself. Finally, the gospel involves a re-membering, both of who we are as the beloved of God and members with others in one body.

The final part of the book works out the implications of gospel centered intimacy in the church. She works out what this looks like for marriages, families, and friendships within the larger community. She envisions a place where everyone belongs to the family–eating together, sharing resources, and even fighting for each other in the face of injustice. Church becomes a place of forming healthy relationships rooted in the serving love of the gospel. In her epilogue, she gets real, describing a community that was so there for her family when thieves broke into their home. Yet that same community fell apart a few years later. Our hope is a messy hope because we are messy. Yet the hope of those seasons of gospel intimacy bids us to not give up.

The two strengths of this book for me are Moniz’s description of how the secular narrative of intimacy co-opted Christian communities and how she roots intimacy theologically in the gospel. Stories from both personal and campus ministry experience complement the sound theological framework she offers. She is someone who has walked the talk. For those longing for intimacy, she offers a much larger vision than just sex. Above all, she affirms the longing for intimacy as a good gift of God.

_______________________

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.

[Greer Rutt · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the gift of receiving an advanced copy, and I cannot gush enough about how beautiful this book was! Intimacy is so often used to refer to sexuality, which is beautiful, but only a piece of what the word truly encapsulates, leaving our culture so lost on how to do relationships of all sorts biblically. Rev. Dr. Moniz breaks this book into three sections: first, she lays out the problem of how lost we are in a world of relationship advice from so many Christian resources yet nothing being fulfilling; Secondly, she introduces a beautiful theology of intimacy that unpacks theology of the Trinity and different ways God shows up in relationship with humans; Thirdly, she brings this to introduce action points and mindset changes for the church, including a revival of the emphasis of friendship and chosen family. The last chapter focuses on the art of friendship, and it was my favorite. So much of my own loneliness comes from desire for this and falling short in my actions and in the actions of those around me. The section on touch made me feel so incredibly seen as that is my own love language that I can never get enough of. As an abuse survivor in a hypersexualized world, this was a really impactful section because it helped me spell out my fears and desires for my friendships and being unsure what was acceptable. Rev. Dr. Moniz is a big advocate for relationships, especially friendships, and our churches just do not teach on friendships enough. I am inspired in my own ministry to bring this deeper in my impact circles. The theology was a beautiful introduction, which even she says is only the beginning. Not enough Protestants talk about the beauty of the connection of the social Trinity model, but she covers this so well in accessible language for any reader! same goes for the Intimacy motifs that she talks about in section 2. Everything about this book made me feel so held, seen, and beloved. I absolutely loved it. I definitely needed it. This book felt like sitting for a cup of tea and hearing her speak. Beautifully done!!!

[Mindy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the book I wish I had had 30 years ago as a 20-something Evangelical Christian college student trying to make sense of how the Gospel of Kingdom spoke to my desire for deep meaningful connections with others in the context of a sex-obsessed church and culture. Moniz offers a concise and devastating critique of the "romance idolatry" that undergirds the vast majority of relational counsel coming from Evangelical celebrity podcasters, pastors and writers and situates that destructive counsel accurately within the larger arc of misguided Western cultural values. She then offers a bracing and invigorating presentation of the Gospel, drawing direct connections that help us as readers begin to take steps towards a rightly ordered understanding of intimacy in the context of the Gospel distinct from, while not opposed to, sex itself. In so doing Moniz has done us all a favor by helping the reader re-imagine what a fully-orbed experience and expression of intimacy might look like - one that holds out the promise of deep, substantial and abiding healing from loneliness and the loss of community that lies at the heart of our current societal and ecclesiastical malaise. The last part of the book focuses on pointing the way forward to application and discipleship to Jesus in fairly general ways that will require some work on the part of the reader (not a bad thing!). The study questions included are helpful too for generating further thought and discussion in the context of personal reading and prayer as well as for small group discussion. This is a book to be challenged by and to learn from regardless of one's age and one that will certainly facilitate a deepening of Christian discipleship and relationship in ways that are long overdue.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

A thought-provoking read full of depth, encouragement, and challenge. Having lived out my young adult life in singleness while simultaneously being blessed with many wonderful friendships, I genuinely appreciated the emphasis on valuing all intimate relationships in life and the exposure of the romantic idolatry of our culture. Dr. Moniz recognizes the effort, pain, and longing that goes into the search for intimacy in all relationships, not simply romantic ones. Her reminder of the pervasiveness of the Gospel in our everyday lives- that it is not solely a theological concept to remind ourselves of in abstract ways, but should influence our lives in the details, too- dares us to reframe every relationship we have. The mandates to constantly remind each other of our identity in Christ, offer grace in our tough moments, and seize opportunities to grieve and rejoice together grant us brief glimpses of the intimacy God intended us to have. Further, Dr. Moniz calls us to a “robust theology of intimacy” in our individual relationships but also challenges our church communities to look carefully at the methods and structures used to establish relationships in those arenas. I will be thinking about aspects of this book for years to come, striving to incorporate concepts into my everyday life, and encouraging other people around me to read it, both for their benefit and for the ability to discuss it in my intimate circles.

[Isaac Goodspeed Overton · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, this book surprised me in its elegance, integrity, research, and practicality! Dr. Moniz does what many have tried and failed to do, she has written the relationship book of all relationship books. This book does not merely seek to answer the questions of “how” it digs deeper to explore the “why” of our relationships. Through compelling stories, witty humor, and thorough analysis, Erin offers an expansive insight into the human need for intimacy. She pulls from extensive research and data to explore relationships of all forms and offers hope through the gospel for all people, regardless of relationship status, sexual orientation, age, or gender. This book will make you laugh, cry, and ultimately inspire you to form stronger, healthier, and more wholistic relationships. If you are single, married, dating, divorced, widowed, gay, straight, christian or non-religious, I recommend this book without hesitation!

[Seth Grindstaff · Rating 4 out of 5]

I like Ernin Moniz's podcast interviews. I found her on the Pirate Monk Podcast and immediately ordered this book. If you enjoy C. S. Lewis' The Four Loves, you will like this book.

Overall, she shifted the way I think about how the church handles singles and also helped straighten up my understanding on how we (as a church culture) place so much emphasis on marriage we forget to help people in their marriages.

The book is a bit too long and repetitive in parts. Sometimes she gets to speaking Christianese, but all in all, some of the ideas are memorable and will impact my thinking for a long time because they are so counter-cultural.

I do enjoy how this book is for any Christian, not just marrieds or just singles or just parents.
She fights against loneliness and shame. Her book focuses more on naming that loneliness and shame are happening and should be fixed by community, but this book is not a "how to" book. The book is a little more abstract than it is practical.

[Anya Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was familiar with the saying Moniz quotes towards the beginning of the book, "You can live without sex, but you cannot live without intimacy," and it is one of my favorites.

While I was familiar with some of the language and concepts in this book, Moniz offered me some new insights, and she has caused me to think that, perhaps, I should take greater responsibility in relationships, rather than taking intimate relationships for granted.

I also enjoyed her epilogue, entitled "A Messy Hope." I found its title to be pretty lovely.

A few caveats: I listened to this on audio, and at times wished I had a hard copy to write down some of her points and scripture references. I also don't think I fully processed her work.
I also think that her use of the term "the Gospel" is a bit vague.

[Anita Yoder · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'd give this ten stars if I could. This message is for everyone in the church. Moniz unpacks a theology of intimacy in a way that I know to be accurate but have never seen someone put into words. She works with emerging adults on a college campus and cares deeply about providing guidance and not the trite, unhelpful phrases or stories that purity culture and other movements trotted out. She acknowledges that loneliness is part of the human experience in any stage of life, and proposes a vision for how the church can meet each member in their loneliness. Everyone should read this book and discuss it with their friends!

[Kara · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this book, Erin Moniz offers a deeply researched and thought-provoking exploration of intimacy through a biblical lens. Grounded in the complexities of modern relationships, she addresses difficult topics such as shame, trauma, and loneliness with honesty and compassion. Drawing from Scripture, Moniz not only examines why relationships flourish or falter, but also casts a hopeful vision for meaningful, vulnerable, and spiritually rich connection. This book is both a challenge and an encouragement for anyone seeking deeper, more faithful relationships.

[Sarah Flippo · Rating 4 out of 5]

The phrase "a robust theology of intimacy" was used so very much, yet not discussed as I expected. Considering how everything flowed together, I understand why so much of the book was building a foundation. To really have the last few chapters and a beautiful conclusion, there had to be the discussions that took place between the author and reader. I guess it wasn't what I thought it would be, but I loved it for what it was.

[João Grillo Moraes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just what we need.

If you’re looking for the best book on dating ever… this is not it.

In fact, this is one of those books that answers the very questions we need answered but never thought to ask. This book dives deep through the see of our most pressing angsts to find the truth of God’s good news T the bottom of it all.

Not what I even thought to look for, but just what I needed.

[Laura Housley]

(Tish Warren Harrison endorsed)

[LMG · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really appreciated the author's perspective on intimacy. This was an incredibly dense book that really should be read in community in order to digest and understand the information.

[Lauren Harvison · Rating 5 out of 5]

so good ! everyone should read imo