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Knowing and Being Known: Hope for All Our Intimate Relationships
"I can live without sex, but I can't live without intimacy."In today's landscape of digital interactions, many people long for deeper connections. We have a desire to move from being lonely and disconnected in our relationships to be seen, known, and wholly loved. From friendships to romantic relationships, meaningful and genuine personal connections remain our heart's desire.College chaplain Rev. Erin Moniz is deeply attuned to the questions and concerns of today's emerging adults. In Knowing and Being Known, sheexplores the essential elements of healthy relationships,addresses the complexities of intimacy,and shines a light on the barriers that can impede genuine connection.With her compelling storytelling and expert insights from her research with emerging adults, she emphasizes the significant role of identity and self-worth in fostering meaningful relationships. This comprehensive resource goes beyond the subject of sex, providing a holistic perspective on intimacy that resonates with single emerging adults and married couples alike.Begin to experience healthy relationships and transform your relational world as you ask better questions to get better answers. To know that we are loved by God is to know our identity in Christ. And this knowing provides us the tools and the path to a healthy, sustainable intimacy that allows us to be at home in our fullness in the gospel and with each other.
219 pages, Kindle Edition
Published May 6, 2025
24 people are currently reading
281 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews
December 5, 2025
10/10!! It’s not really a book on dating, but it’s the best book on dating I’ve read and the only one I would recommend!!! Everyone needs to read this book! Erin’s critique of the state of young adult relationships in our culture puts words to a struggle I have felt deeply in my young adult life, and her encouragement to practice the art of friendship and pursue intimate relationships in all of our relationships was a gift! I’ve found myself asking deeper questions, being more vulnerable, and being more intentional with the people around me! I’m so thankful for Erin and her wisdom!
November 14, 2025
Haiku!
Remember, Child.
Know God and others deeply.
Hospitality.
Remember, Child.
Know God and others deeply.
Hospitality.
December 26, 2025
“I can live without sex, but I can’t live without intimacy.” With that banger of an opening line, Erin Moniz proceeds to probe into the heart of why we as humans desire intimate relationships so desperately and how we can’t find the intimacy we crave. A few of Moniz’s most impactful ideas for me…
- All intimate relationships require communication and trust building behaviors with self giving love, reciprocity, attention, curiosity, managing expectations, commitment, and mutuality.
- The church has a marriage idolatry problem…intimacy is not just for married people…we all need intimate friendships.
- Jesus is the true friend who shows us by example how to have intimate relationships. Moniz’s theology of intimacy was mind-blowing. I loved the thought that God forms intimacy with us by the Holy Spirit who woos us.
-The whole point of intimate relationships? To become communities of remembrance and remind each other again and again of our identity in Christ…constantly calibrating each other’s compasses to point to true north.
- Her section on the implications for the local church takes all this knowledge about intimate relationships, and challenges the church to be a true family. We need each other! All ages, all people…united in a chosen family to love each other and remind each other of the hope of the gospel.
This is such a fantastic book. Everyone would benefit from reading it.
- All intimate relationships require communication and trust building behaviors with self giving love, reciprocity, attention, curiosity, managing expectations, commitment, and mutuality.
- The church has a marriage idolatry problem…intimacy is not just for married people…we all need intimate friendships.
- Jesus is the true friend who shows us by example how to have intimate relationships. Moniz’s theology of intimacy was mind-blowing. I loved the thought that God forms intimacy with us by the Holy Spirit who woos us.
-The whole point of intimate relationships? To become communities of remembrance and remind each other again and again of our identity in Christ…constantly calibrating each other’s compasses to point to true north.
- Her section on the implications for the local church takes all this knowledge about intimate relationships, and challenges the church to be a true family. We need each other! All ages, all people…united in a chosen family to love each other and remind each other of the hope of the gospel.
This is such a fantastic book. Everyone would benefit from reading it.
March 28, 2025
This book is soooo good! It’s so helpful in understanding how our culture has shaped us in ways that keep us from forming intimate relationships not only within marriage but equally in our friendships, and family and how the Gospel clearly can guide us to be in community, the importance of being known, and learning how to know others more deeply. The use of social science, and biblical truths is both practically helpful and spiritually formative to help us have healthy intimacy as well as how leaders in the church can and should be teaching these truths.
October 6, 2025
3.5 ⭐️. amazing concept, and a very needed conversation in the church today. at times i found it repetitive, and different chapters were less distinct than i expected. in sum it said less than i would have liked. the chapter on loneliness was excellent, though.
October 23, 2025
Summary: Explores elements of healthy relationships. the complexities of intimacy, and how the gospel relates to intimacy.
“I can live without sex, but I can’t live without intimacy.”
This statement from Erin F. Moniz’s new book on intimacy comes like a splash of fresh, cold water on the face. A wake up. Provocative. Surprising. And after all that, refreshing. Moniz proposes that intimacy is not confined to sex but has to do with relationships with friends, family, and ultimately, God. But she contends that the intimacy narrative has been co-opted by secular culture. While many young Christians think Christianity ought to enrich one’s understanding of intimacy, few have any idea of how this is so. Cultural narratives, and sexual essentialism reign. In this book, Moniz explores how secularism took over the intimacy narrative, how healthy relationships form and flourish, and how the gospel offers hope for intimacy.
The first part of the book lays groundwork in several ways. Moniz offers a framework for intimate relationships, noting that not all intimate relationships are sexual. Nor are all sexual relationships intimate. Healthy relationships, she contends, are marked by self-giving love, attention and curiosity, and commitment. Two other components undergird these: communication and trust-building behaviors. She then takes a deep dive into cultural analysis, showing how secular culture has coopted our understanding of intimacy. She calls out hook-up culture, romance idolatry, and hypersexualization that threatens to make all relationships sexual. Sadly, Christianity bought into this, confining sexual essentialism to marriage and creating a sexually-charged purity culture. In so doing, we hand youth broken compasses rather than a distinctive relationship ethic centered in the gospel.
The second part of the book addresses the idea of a gospel-centered theology of intimacy. She roots our longing for intimacy in God’s good creation and the loving intimacy within the Trinity. She traces intimacy problems to shame, absent before the fall. We fear vulnerability, an essential to intimacy. Yet God hasn’t given up on us but pursues restorative relationships while preserving our agency and consent. Then Moniz explores the experience of loneliness, which we can assuage in unhealthy ways. Or we can choose to see loneliness as an invitation from God to show us both ourselves and Himself. Finally, the gospel involves a re-membering, both of who we are as the beloved of God and members with others in one body.
The final part of the book works out the implications of gospel centered intimacy in the church. She works out what this looks like for marriages, families, and friendships within the larger community. She envisions a place where everyone belongs to the family–eating together, sharing resources, and even fighting for each other in the face of injustice. Church becomes a place of forming healthy relationships rooted in the serving love of the gospel. In her epilogue, she gets real, describing a community that was so there for her family when thieves broke into their home. Yet that same community fell apart a few years later. Our hope is a messy hope because we are messy. Yet the hope of those seasons of gospel intimacy bids us to not give up.
The two strengths of this book for me are Moniz’s description of how the secular narrative of intimacy co-opted Christian communities and how she roots intimacy theologically in the gospel. Stories from both personal and campus ministry experience complement the sound theological framework she offers. She is someone who has walked the talk. For those longing for intimacy, she offers a much larger vision than just sex. Above all, she affirms the longing for intimacy as a good gift of God.
_______________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.
“I can live without sex, but I can’t live without intimacy.”
This statement from Erin F. Moniz’s new book on intimacy comes like a splash of fresh, cold water on the face. A wake up. Provocative. Surprising. And after all that, refreshing. Moniz proposes that intimacy is not confined to sex but has to do with relationships with friends, family, and ultimately, God. But she contends that the intimacy narrative has been co-opted by secular culture. While many young Christians think Christianity ought to enrich one’s understanding of intimacy, few have any idea of how this is so. Cultural narratives, and sexual essentialism reign. In this book, Moniz explores how secularism took over the intimacy narrative, how healthy relationships form and flourish, and how the gospel offers hope for intimacy.
The first part of the book lays groundwork in several ways. Moniz offers a framework for intimate relationships, noting that not all intimate relationships are sexual. Nor are all sexual relationships intimate. Healthy relationships, she contends, are marked by self-giving love, attention and curiosity, and commitment. Two other components undergird these: communication and trust-building behaviors. She then takes a deep dive into cultural analysis, showing how secular culture has coopted our understanding of intimacy. She calls out hook-up culture, romance idolatry, and hypersexualization that threatens to make all relationships sexual. Sadly, Christianity bought into this, confining sexual essentialism to marriage and creating a sexually-charged purity culture. In so doing, we hand youth broken compasses rather than a distinctive relationship ethic centered in the gospel.
The second part of the book addresses the idea of a gospel-centered theology of intimacy. She roots our longing for intimacy in God’s good creation and the loving intimacy within the Trinity. She traces intimacy problems to shame, absent before the fall. We fear vulnerability, an essential to intimacy. Yet God hasn’t given up on us but pursues restorative relationships while preserving our agency and consent. Then Moniz explores the experience of loneliness, which we can assuage in unhealthy ways. Or we can choose to see loneliness as an invitation from God to show us both ourselves and Himself. Finally, the gospel involves a re-membering, both of who we are as the beloved of God and members with others in one body.
The final part of the book works out the implications of gospel centered intimacy in the church. She works out what this looks like for marriages, families, and friendships within the larger community. She envisions a place where everyone belongs to the family–eating together, sharing resources, and even fighting for each other in the face of injustice. Church becomes a place of forming healthy relationships rooted in the serving love of the gospel. In her epilogue, she gets real, describing a community that was so there for her family when thieves broke into their home. Yet that same community fell apart a few years later. Our hope is a messy hope because we are messy. Yet the hope of those seasons of gospel intimacy bids us to not give up.
The two strengths of this book for me are Moniz’s description of how the secular narrative of intimacy co-opted Christian communities and how she roots intimacy theologically in the gospel. Stories from both personal and campus ministry experience complement the sound theological framework she offers. She is someone who has walked the talk. For those longing for intimacy, she offers a much larger vision than just sex. Above all, she affirms the longing for intimacy as a good gift of God.
_______________________
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary copy of this book from the publisher for review.
May 6, 2025
I had the gift of receiving an advanced copy, and I cannot gush enough about how beautiful this book was! Intimacy is so often used to refer to sexuality, which is beautiful, but only a piece of what the word truly encapsulates, leaving our culture so lost on how to do relationships of all sorts biblically. Rev. Dr. Moniz breaks this book into three sections: first, she lays out the problem of how lost we are in a world of relationship advice from so many Christian resources yet nothing being fulfilling; Secondly, she introduces a beautiful theology of intimacy that unpacks theology of the Trinity and different ways God shows up in relationship with humans; Thirdly, she brings this to introduce action points and mindset changes for the church, including a revival of the emphasis of friendship and chosen family. The last chapter focuses on the art of friendship, and it was my favorite. So much of my own loneliness comes from desire for this and falling short in my actions and in the actions of those around me. The section on touch made me feel so incredibly seen as that is my own love language that I can never get enough of. As an abuse survivor in a hypersexualized world, this was a really impactful section because it helped me spell out my fears and desires for my friendships and being unsure what was acceptable. Rev. Dr. Moniz is a big advocate for relationships, especially friendships, and our churches just do not teach on friendships enough. I am inspired in my own ministry to bring this deeper in my impact circles. The theology was a beautiful introduction, which even she says is only the beginning. Not enough Protestants talk about the beauty of the connection of the social Trinity model, but she covers this so well in accessible language for any reader! same goes for the Intimacy motifs that she talks about in section 2. Everything about this book made me feel so held, seen, and beloved. I absolutely loved it. I definitely needed it. This book felt like sitting for a cup of tea and hearing her speak. Beautifully done!!!
May 12, 2025
This is the book I wish I had had 30 years ago as a 20-something Evangelical Christian college student trying to make sense of how the Gospel of Kingdom spoke to my desire for deep meaningful connections with others in the context of a sex-obsessed church and culture. Moniz offers a concise and devastating critique of the "romance idolatry" that undergirds the vast majority of relational counsel coming from Evangelical celebrity podcasters, pastors and writers and situates that destructive counsel accurately within the larger arc of misguided Western cultural values. She then offers a bracing and invigorating presentation of the Gospel, drawing direct connections that help us as readers begin to take steps towards a rightly ordered understanding of intimacy in the context of the Gospel distinct from, while not opposed to, sex itself. In so doing Moniz has done us all a favor by helping the reader re-imagine what a fully-orbed experience and expression of intimacy might look like - one that holds out the promise of deep, substantial and abiding healing from loneliness and the loss of community that lies at the heart of our current societal and ecclesiastical malaise. The last part of the book focuses on pointing the way forward to application and discipleship to Jesus in fairly general ways that will require some work on the part of the reader (not a bad thing!). The study questions included are helpful too for generating further thought and discussion in the context of personal reading and prayer as well as for small group discussion. This is a book to be challenged by and to learn from regardless of one's age and one that will certainly facilitate a deepening of Christian discipleship and relationship in ways that are long overdue.
October 4, 2025
A thought-provoking read full of depth, encouragement, and challenge. Having lived out my young adult life in singleness while simultaneously being blessed with many wonderful friendships, I genuinely appreciated the emphasis on valuing all intimate relationships in life and the exposure of the romantic idolatry of our culture. Dr. Moniz recognizes the effort, pain, and longing that goes into the search for intimacy in all relationships, not simply romantic ones. Her reminder of the pervasiveness of the Gospel in our everyday lives- that it is not solely a theological concept to remind ourselves of in abstract ways, but should influence our lives in the details, too- dares us to reframe every relationship we have. The mandates to constantly remind each other of our identity in Christ, offer grace in our tough moments, and seize opportunities to grieve and rejoice together grant us brief glimpses of the intimacy God intended us to have. Further, Dr. Moniz calls us to a “robust theology of intimacy” in our individual relationships but also challenges our church communities to look carefully at the methods and structures used to establish relationships in those arenas. I will be thinking about aspects of this book for years to come, striving to incorporate concepts into my everyday life, and encouraging other people around me to read it, both for their benefit and for the ability to discuss it in my intimate circles.
May 6, 2025
Wow, this book surprised me in its elegance, integrity, research, and practicality! Dr. Moniz does what many have tried and failed to do, she has written the relationship book of all relationship books. This book does not merely seek to answer the questions of “how” it digs deeper to explore the “why” of our relationships. Through compelling stories, witty humor, and thorough analysis, Erin offers an expansive insight into the human need for intimacy. She pulls from extensive research and data to explore relationships of all forms and offers hope through the gospel for all people, regardless of relationship status, sexual orientation, age, or gender. This book will make you laugh, cry, and ultimately inspire you to form stronger, healthier, and more wholistic relationships. If you are single, married, dating, divorced, widowed, gay, straight, christian or non-religious, I recommend this book without hesitation!
June 28, 2025
I was familiar with the saying Moniz quotes towards the beginning of the book, "You can live without sex, but you cannot live without intimacy," and it is one of my favorites.
While I was familiar with some of the language and concepts in this book, Moniz offered me some new insights, and she has caused me to think that, perhaps, I should take greater responsibility in relationships, rather than taking intimate relationships for granted.
I also enjoyed her epilogue, entitled "A Messy Hope." I found its title to be pretty lovely.
A few caveats: I listened to this on audio, and at times wished I had a hard copy to write down some of her points and scripture references. I also don't think I fully processed her work.
I also think that her use of the term "the Gospel" is a bit vague.
While I was familiar with some of the language and concepts in this book, Moniz offered me some new insights, and she has caused me to think that, perhaps, I should take greater responsibility in relationships, rather than taking intimate relationships for granted.
I also enjoyed her epilogue, entitled "A Messy Hope." I found its title to be pretty lovely.
A few caveats: I listened to this on audio, and at times wished I had a hard copy to write down some of her points and scripture references. I also don't think I fully processed her work.
I also think that her use of the term "the Gospel" is a bit vague.
October 14, 2025
I'd give this ten stars if I could. This message is for everyone in the church. Moniz unpacks a theology of intimacy in a way that I know to be accurate but have never seen someone put into words. She works with emerging adults on a college campus and cares deeply about providing guidance and not the trite, unhelpful phrases or stories that purity culture and other movements trotted out. She acknowledges that loneliness is part of the human experience in any stage of life, and proposes a vision for how the church can meet each member in their loneliness. Everyone should read this book and discuss it with their friends!
August 2, 2025
In this book, Erin Moniz offers a deeply researched and thought-provoking exploration of intimacy through a biblical lens. Grounded in the complexities of modern relationships, she addresses difficult topics such as shame, trauma, and loneliness with honesty and compassion. Drawing from Scripture, Moniz not only examines why relationships flourish or falter, but also casts a hopeful vision for meaningful, vulnerable, and spiritually rich connection. This book is both a challenge and an encouragement for anyone seeking deeper, more faithful relationships.
July 20, 2025
The phrase "a robust theology of intimacy" was used so very much, yet not discussed as I expected. Considering how everything flowed together, I understand why so much of the book was building a foundation. To really have the last few chapters and a beautiful conclusion, there had to be the discussions that took place between the author and reader. I guess it wasn't what I thought it would be, but I loved it for what it was.
May 6, 2025
Just what we need.
If you’re looking for the best book on dating ever… this is not it.
In fact, this is one of those books that answers the very questions we need answered but never thought to ask. This book dives deep through the see of our most pressing angsts to find the truth of God’s good news T the bottom of it all.
Not what I even thought to look for, but just what I needed.
If you’re looking for the best book on dating ever… this is not it.
In fact, this is one of those books that answers the very questions we need answered but never thought to ask. This book dives deep through the see of our most pressing angsts to find the truth of God’s good news T the bottom of it all.
Not what I even thought to look for, but just what I needed.
Want to read
June 4, 2025(Tish Warren Harrison endorsed)
June 26, 2025
I really appreciated the author's perspective on intimacy. This was an incredibly dense book that really should be read in community in order to digest and understand the information.
January 4, 2026
so good ! everyone should read imo
Displaying 1 - 18 of 18 reviews