Bad Friend: How Women Revolutionized Modern Friendship

by Tiffany Watt Smith

A smart and thought-provoking memoir, history, and cultural critique about the turmoil and complexity of female friendship

Our culture today is inundated with narratives about the strength of female friendship, whether through images of girl power, BFFs, or work wives. Yet cultural historian Tiffany Watt Smith has always found her own life much messier. She has had dramatic friend breakups, friendships that felt like too much or not enough, friendships that drifted into silence, and friendships built on convenience rather than a meeting of minds. And there are older cultural scripts to contend the competitive rival, the jealous backstabber, the underminer, the fair-weather friend.

We have all been bad friends. It’s impossible to be a perfect one; as Watt Smith points out, women’s friendships have long been magnified, scrutinized, praised, and admonished, creating a legacy of impossible ideals. In Bad Friend, Watt Smith reflects on her own experience and thoroughly mines the rich cultural history of female friendship to look for a new paradigm that might encompass the struggles along with the joy.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Feminism, History, Audiobook, Friendship, Biography Memoir

288 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 1, 2025

About the author

Dr. Tiffany Watt Smith is a cultural historian and author of The Book of Human Emotions. In 2014, she was named a BBC New Generation Thinker, and her TED talk The History of Emotions has over 1.5 million views. She is currently a Wellcome Trust research fellow at the Centre for the History of the Emotions at Queen Mary University of London. In her previous career, she was a theater director.

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was really excited to get my hands on Bad Friend—the premise sounded right up my alley. I was expecting a deep, insightful dive into the complexities of friendship, laced with history, psychology, and personal narrative. And while the book does offer all of those elements, the way they were presented didn’t quite work for me.

The structure felt a bit muddled. I often found myself wishing the personal experiences, historical research, and other people’s testimonies were more clearly separated. It sometimes made the narrative feel disjointed, and I had a hard time getting into a rhythm as a reader.

Overall, it just wasn’t quite what I was expecting. There are definitely interesting insights and moments that resonated, but the execution left me wanting more clarity.

[Madison ✨ (mad.lyreading) · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think the way this was laid out just didn't work well for me. I couldn't really get into it because I just didn't get it. I have been looking for a book that analyzes female friendships that match with my experiences, and I thought this one would do it. But this book starts with a lot of stories, both the author's own and historical ones, that show friends not being the best to each other. I think it was more memoir than I would like and less sociological analysis than I wanted. From other reviews it seems it was more of a me issue than the book's.

[CatReader · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tiffany Watt Smith is a British cultural historian and writer; her 2025 book Bad Friend is an exploration of themes around (female) friendship over various historical periods and across different parts of the world, though with a largely Western focus.

This is a 3.5 star book for me -- I found the information interesting and engagingly-written, though I found the book itself a bit of a mish-mash of different topics, some that strayed quite a bit from the premise, somewhat haphazardly organized in a way that felt repetitive at times. Different narrative threads included:

- the author's own experiences with close personal friendships that didn't end well, and her complicated, lingering feelings afterward
- the author's experiences with more lopsided friendships, where she invested a lot of time and energy into helping others who weren't in a position to reciprocate, as well as similar experiences among people she interviewed, along with a historical look at how these types of friendships often unwittingly perpetuated racism and classism
- a historical look at how (mostly Western) society has variably encouraged and discouraged intimate friendships among girls and women, though here the lines blurred a lot between friendship and what today we'd consider 'more than friends'
- a historical and contemporary look at the concept of chosen families among people of various racial, ethnic and sexual identities and orientations
- a look at contemporary friend groups who have made formal or informal social contracts to live together for the mid- to long-term
- an examination of what it means to be a 'bad friend' or 'toxic friend,' and various sociocultural precedents that have made that concept more prevalent these days

I found all of these narrative threads interesting in their own way, though I would've appreciated more cohesiveness in how the story was told. Though the author touched on this topic in various ways by talking about friends she made at different stages of her life (teenage years, early 20s, new mom phase, etc.), one topic I would've liked to read more about is how friendships are forged and evolve over different life stages particularly among people who are at different life stages and possibly of different generations. Personally, I've developed many rewarding friendships with people decades older than me that don't feel lopsided.

Hopefully writing this book lessened the author's guilt about how some of her friendships have ended. This is something I've struggled with too -- and as a (Western) society, I think we often minimize the lingering impacts of adult friendship breakups/fadeouts/ghostings especially as compared to the breakups of romantic relationships. I also personally feel that as women, we are socially conditioned to always be nice, polite and friendly and find ourselves often in lopsided friendships/non-romantic situationships where we don't have much/anything in common with the other parties and don't particularly enjoy their company, yet feel compelled to 'be friendly/friends.' I find the Gottmans' bid theory framework helpful in assuaging my own guilt here -- basically, in relationships (romantic or platonic) we make a series of bids for the other person's time and attention, and there is a comfortable ratio of how many times the each party is receptive vs. not that either builds a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship, or not. A lopsided, 'bad' friendship would be characterized by party A constantly accepting party B's bids, but party B not returning the favor in commensurate proportion (not because they can't or because party A's asks are unreasonable, but because they don't respect and/or prioritize party A reciprocally). There shouldn't be any guilt about ending those types of 'friendships,' especially after clearly articulating the issue hasn't reset the pattern. These conversations are never easy to have but get easier and with practice are crucial and necessary. Then again, some friendships can last for decades with very little asked or expected of the other party as long as both parties are fine with that.

Further reading: friendship and relationships
Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues by David Bradford and Carole Robin (my favorite book on this topic)
How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks
Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection by Charles Duhigg

My statistics:
Book 350 for 2025
Book 2276 cumulatively

[Sam Wescott · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and luckily wasn’t bothered by the structure at all. It definitely leans more meandering than bullet-pointed, but I thought that gave it a sort of a thoughtful musing sort of vibe that I thought suited the topic and the author’s writing style. I’m also thought the audio narration was excellent. It was like listening to your soft-spoken but very smart friend telling you about what she’s been mulling over lately.

This book weaves in a very broad range of topics, from historical depictions of friendship to modern expectations, from social psychology and cultural norms to social movements and radical family structure, from your childhood bestie to your senior care roommate. It was really broad and sorted more by topic than by source, so the modern, historical, and theoretical popped their heads into every chapter instead of being separated out into their own sections, which I personally loved but may be part of why folks balked at the organization a bit. It’s messy, but it felt intuitive to me.

I am very glad I read this and now that I know emotion historians exist, I need them all to write books for me immediately.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Bad Friend was not quite what I expected, but there were chapters I enjoyed and learned from. The final chapters were especially interesting in how for centuries women have bonded in friendship to raise children, provide support in a health crisis, and support each other when social or familial help falls short. I also loved the information about older women choosing to live together in different types of communities in a support system of friendship. Here's a quote from an interview with Susie Orbach that hit home with me. "Your friends are your witnesses. They are the ones who knew you when you were younger, and see parts of you that parents, partners, or children can't. They are the ones who say, 'Ah, that's the way that Susie is.'" Thanks to Celadon for an ARC of this book.

[Tess Scheidel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I quite liked this meditation on female friendship. I think I felt comforted in seeing some of my own experiences reflected in history. Here are some of the quotes that stuck with me most when listening to the audiobook:

“Friendship is not a permanent state one arrives at. It is something we do. It is a process of negotiating our endlessly changing selves. A process of uncertainty and learning.”

Friendship is “a tale not of glossy ideals, but of effort and failure, of chances and mistakes, of imperfection and humility, of feeling inexpert but trying anyway.”

“But what survives of our friendship is the imprints we have left on each other. The people close to you become mirrors and journals in which you record your history - the instruments that help you know yourself and remember yourself and you do the same for them. The glass may grow smudged and the compass might stop spinning north and yet we are still part of each others stories and always will be. Maybe this is what a friend forever means.”

[Sophia Saker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Let me just grab my soapbox—one second. If you’re a woman and you’ve had at least one friend in the course of your lifetime, read this book. 2 + 2 will equal
5 before I shut up about the complexities and importance of female friendship.

Some books compel me to log back into my Goodreads account and rate them. This is one of those books.

[juliette · Rating 5 out of 5]

excellently researched, organized, and written; deeply meaningful

[Valerie · Rating 5 out of 5]

marvelous and moving

[Kailee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had a fantastic time listening to this book and learning about how women's friendships have evolved through the centuries, particularly the parts about how men tried to dictate our friendships and claim we were "bad" at friendship. This book is wonderful for learning the struggles fought by the women before us to give us the opportunities we have today. If you have strong friendships, this will definitely hit home. If you don't, it might give you some insight into how to start building those bonds.

I particularly loved the interviews with women that have chosen to spend their lives in a form of group living. As someone that LOVED the Golden Girls and always kind of expected to spend my later years in the same sort of situation, it was amazing learning about all the women that are doing exactly that today. These women are truly inspirational and remind us of how strong our bonds can be.

[Heather]

Bad Friend is a disorganized meditation on friendship that occasionally resonates. The author falters at a few points, including a brief (and incorrect) discussion of Frances Burney's Evelina. Some of the historical studies (e.g., friendships in the UK's Mass Observation Project ) interested me, but others did not. In many ways, the book confirmed for me just how difficult it is to be (and have) a good friend, but how much we want and need friendship in our lives.

[Emily | emilyisoverbooked]

DNF - when you think you’re about halfway through an audiobook and then you double check and you’re at 11%, it’s time to be done. 😴

[Ashton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley and the publisher for this ARC.

I think this was more of a three star for me but I jumped it up to four because I thought it was really well researched and written.

Overall though I found the tone to be sad? Maybe I have an idealized vision of friendship but I certainly have a different vision than the author. It’s hard to explain but her tone, and end of chapter summaries, just felt very sad to me. I can agree that friendships, especially with other women, can be complex and emotional. But I also inherently approach from a place of “this is a person I want to bring into my life and I will assume the same in return”, while the author seems to approach her life, and by extension friendships, with hesitancy

[Catherine Bishop · Rating 2 out of 5]

Classic modern non-fiction book: great idea, poor execution.

Smith successfully illustrates that the “best friend” is an unattainable ideal. Not unlike the character of the handsome prince, the “best friend” is a character we are introduced to in youth accompanied by high expectations. She promises to provide platonic stability, honest feedback, and a gaggle of cutesy little adventures. Basically, she promises to have no needs that overpower your own. Modern feminism has explained to women that the handsome prince is a misogynistic marketing ploy, while parading the idea of the “best friend’ as an attainable and ethical alternative. There is a generation of women who understand that their prince will not come, but are constantly let down by the fact that their best friend hasn’t. This makes us measure other women on an unrealistic yardstick, while simultaneously resenting ourselves for failing at an impossible task. It’s, frankly, so fucking stupid, and had I read about this concept as a 17 year old I think I could’ve been a much better friend.

However, the rest of the writing was flimsy. The parts were separated chronologically, but the chapters were subsequently separated by themes. That made no sense to me, as there were elements of the themes in every time period, so the chronological segmentation led to an intentionally limited scope of each chapter. For the life of me, I can not figure out why any sane editor would suggest such a stupid layout.

Turns out being a good friend is kind of simple: you have to be honest even when it’s hard and you have to show up for them even if you don’t want to. If you find yourself lying (even or especially to make them feel better) or resenting showing up, something probably needs to be discussed. However, Smith saved this revelation for the last three pages of the book. Instead of chapters analyzing how hard it is to accept the platonic limitations of friendship, we got chapters on communes and AI friends. Is every nonfiction book that I read for the rest of my life going to end with a chapter on AI? If so, I’ll just kill myself now.

Two stars because this is a strong thesis that writers can expand on in the years to come. I’m excited to read the writing inspired by this poorly written book!

[Aranza · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.8 ⭐️

Incredibly well researched exploration of friendship, especially the messier, more complicated side of it. I loved how much she wove in feminist theory, historical context, and insights from other writers. That said, it sometimes felt a bit too analytical. At points, I found myself wondering if I really needed to dissect every reason I’m friends with someone.

Still, there’s a lot of value here, especially if you're into deep-dives about emotions, relationships, and the social history of connection. Definitely worth a read if you’re in your reflecting-on-friendships era.

[Danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you to Net Galley for the Audio ARC of this title. This is a well researched and comprehnsive look at friendship and how it has evolved. The organization (via audiobook) was at times difficult to follow- however, I imagine that the print version sets off the vignettes of historical examples in a way that might be easier to connect with the overarching narrative. What Smith includes is intresting and thought provoking. The title doesn't quite fit with the contents.

[Kimberly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thank you Goodreads & Caledon Books for the ARC!

I had a really hard time finding a good rhythm with this book. The structure to me was odd and there didn't seem to be a reason when we switched from personal anecdote to historical or modern anecdotes. I was hoping for a deeper sociological analysis, while this book read more like a memoir. Overall, it wasn't bad and had some solid insights, but I do think it would have benefited from more editing and some restructuring.

[Brandi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one would probably be 4 stars easily if the book was organized better. I thought there was a lot of great information about the history of female friendships, sociology and politicking of female friendships, and more… but I struggled to get what the point of each chapter actually was.

Even though the book could have been more organized, I think it was written well and was thought-provoking.

Thank you Celadon & Net Galley for an advanced copy of this book.

[Sarah Flocken · Rating 5 out of 5]

God I loved this book. I received it as an advance reader copy from the publisher and I’m so glad I did. As the writer says in the epilogue other peoples’ stories strengthen us to tell our own. This book put into words so many of the thoughts and anxieties I’ve had about my own friendships. Highly recommend to anyone who regards their friends as chosen family but also has some messy, complex feelings about them.

[Ayanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bad Friend looks into the history women have with friendships and the complications, challenges, rewards, and structures that come with them and feeling, naturally, like a bad or selfish friend at times when you are just asking for normal and unburdening help. (think new mom, sick/disabled/aging women, even just going through the struggles of life and not knowing if it’s too much to ask for help or if it’s overstepping the role you play in your friends’ lives) It was really so brilliant and relatable for myself and many, if not all, the women I have known in my life. It feels validating that this is something everyone suffers with and has for really forever it seems, the new realization that friendships were once thought to be something women were not capable of harnessing does make a lot of sense to the differences STILL misinterpreted by men when it comes to male vs female friendships.

Thank you to Netgalley and Tiffany Watt Smith for the opportunity to listen to this before the release date, I think this will be one that resonates heavily with so many women.

[kimi ✰ · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.75 - I think it contained some good insight that I was hoping for, but the structure of the book felt a bit disgruntled and made it difficult to follow

[Claudia Greening · Rating 3 out of 5]

I liked a lot about this book! A concept that touches each of us profoundly. I think the writing is strongest when the author reflects on her own friendships, but falters significantly in her analysis of historical documents. I found a lot of the commentary to be overly simplistic and missing context. Is this a memoir? A cultural history? The author didn’t decide and the reader can’t either.

Overall, this book prompted a lot of questions for me, in a positive way.

[Esha MacDonald · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a step out of my normal reads but glad I read as it truly opens up how friendships with women have changed over time and that there is no absolute way to be a good friend.

[Ruby Jensen · Rating 5 out of 5]

EXCELLENT!!!! Will be gifting this for years to come to all friends close and far. Helped me remember all the different parts friendships play throughout our lives. Highly recommend!!

[Ella · Rating 2 out of 5]

There was no direction or thesis and it also didn’t have any real advice so…what was the point

[Chloë Fowler · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this. It made me think/worry/feel sad/glad/grateful about and for my own friendships. Good non-fiction weaves themes and stories through the facts (in my opinion). I never felt like I was being a good girl by learning something, I felt invested in the stories and emotions. Excellent. And beautiful.

[Sarah Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

An insightful look at friendship through different historical, cultural, and modern lenses.

[Suzanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you, @celadonbooks, for the gifted copy!

This takes a deep dive into how complex female relationships are. The author uses her own personal experiences (and I appreciate how honest and raw she is) as a stepping stone to explain her research. Initially, I thought the book was more about someone who was a bad friend to others, but it's more about how we perceive ourselves and others, not necessarily the reality.

If you've ever asked yourself if you're a bad friend or why it is so hard to make and keep friendships, then this is extremely validating. This looks to answer the seeming simple question of, "What is a friend?" There was some really interesting and thought-provoking information as well as some good advice and takeaways.

[Alexis · Rating 5 out of 5]

"A smart and thought-provoking memoir, history, and cultural critique about the turmoil and complexity of female friendship."

This book beautifully explores all the different types of female friendships. With stories of friends throughout history along with personal accounts of friend fallouts.

I loved reading all these stories and found them to be so relatable! If you've ever had a friendship breakup, you'll know that it can be more devastatingly painful than a romantic breakup. This book encapsulates all those feelings!

Overall, this book was just an incredibly fascinating look into female friendships. I highly recommend it!

[Rhonda Lomazow · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bad Friend is a fascinating intimate look at female friendships,not the idealized version but the real raw look at the drama that these friendships can bring.The author shares her own friendships the drama the anger and angst they can bring.I also can relate I’ve walked away from friendships that were mean draining I read somewhere that if the friendship is not a welcoming space not full of judgements and tension walk away.The author also looks back at female friendships in history.,a fascinating insightful look at these friendships.Thanks #celadonbooks for my copy