Bad Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal

by Michelle Elman

'So many people need this book' HOLLY BOURNE
'Insightful, wise, compassionate' LOUISE O'NEILL
'This book is your new best friend' SOFIE HAGEN
'Truly game-changing. A book we should ALL read' LOUISE PENTLAND

Society's message is loud and romantic relationships matter more than friendship. But when we have an average of twenty-nine platonic relationships in our lifetime, compared to just seven-to-ten romantic relationships, why is the conversation on love far greater than friendship? Life coach and broadcaster Michelle Elman is determined to fix this.

If the conversation on friendship is quiet, the one on friendship break-ups is non-existent. This is despite research showing that only six friendships stand the test of time, which means that the average person experiences the ending of twenty-three friendships. As someone who has gone through a dozen of them, Michelle began to think she was a Bad Friend.

Have one too many friendship break-ups and people start questioning what's wrong with you. But what if you aren't the problem? What if the problem is how we think about friendship break-ups?

Introducing Bad Friend, a ground-breaking masterclass in friendship that makes space for every conversation you have never been allowed to have. Bad Friend will make you question everything you've been taught about friendships, and removes the stigma from friendship break-ups. This is for you if you've ever been hurt by a friend and, most importantly, reassures you that you're categorically not a bad friend.

'It's time for a new narrative around platonic love. I can think of no better person than Michelle to show us the way' MEGAN JAYNE CRABBE

'Female friendships can be core of a healthy, happy, fulfilled life. Their complexities are so often overlooked, but not anymore. Michelle Elman has perfectly summarised their complicated importance. Bravo' ANNA WHITEHOUSE

'The world would be a much better place if every woman read Bad Friend and learned to communicate as clearly and directly as Michelle teaches us to. A game-changer which made me feel a million times better about friendships that have gone wrong in the past, while arming me with the tools I need for the future' ELLIE MIDDLETON

'The guide to friendship breakups we all so desperately need. We've needed this book for years - I'm so happy it finally exists!' SOFIE HAGEN

'This book is a must-read for anyone who's ever questioned a friendship, felt the sting of outgrowing someone, or wondered how to be a better friend themselves' SHIVANI PAU

'This is a long overdue conversation about the joys, the break ups, the frustrations, and the tricky points of conflict that we all navigate over the course of time' ABIGAIL MANN

'Michelle's writing is my emergency contact - I always come away with pluck in my step and a plan of action' LEENA NORMS

'Michelle's ability to share her wisdom with wit, honesty, and heart - whilst tackling subjects often untouched - is a testament to her generosity and fearless spirit. With a wicked sense of humour, confidence and an uncanny ability to connect with people at every level, Michelle is truly one of a kind' MICHELLE ZELLI

'Michelle is the queen of boundaries' KATIE PIPER

'One of the 50 most influential women in the UK' THE SUN

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Audiobook, Friendship, Psychology

326 pages, Kindle Edition

Published May 8, 2025

About the author

Michelle Elman is a five-board accredited life coach, broadcaster and author who is most known for her campaign Scarred Not Scared. Last year Michelle was named as one of The Sun's 50 most inspirational women in the UK and is recognised as one of the top 100 creatives creating change. Her second book “The Joy of Being Selfish” topped Amazon Charts when it was released this year and her debut book “Am I Ugly?” received rave reviews. She is often invited onto TV and radio worldwide for her expert opinion including features on Sky News, Loose Women, Channel 5 News, BBC Radio London, LBC as well as radio in Hong Kong, Ireland and Los Angeles. Michelle hosts her own podcast "In All Honesty" and is a prolific public speaker with her TedX talk being viewed 60,000 times. Known for her direct approach, her insight empowers people to stand in their power, set boundaries, and live life more honestly. 

Reviews

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

Friendship needs to be talked about more and Michelle does just that perfectly. Her clear, no BS approach is just what everyone needs. I read this very quickly as it was both easy to read but hit me where it mattered (my heart). I've carried guilt for years I don't have any best friends, thinking I was weird or something wrong with me. This book both reassures and explores different facets to the friendship relationship and does include how to make friends as an adult. It was the book I never knew I needed to read. Read all of Michelles books, they are so helpful and practical.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

5⭐

This book was everything I needed and more. I experienced a very painful friendship break up in August 2024 and in the last year I have been struggling to understand why I have been able to move on. Michelle pov is enlightening and has opened up my perspective on how I view my feelings towards friendship as well as myself. I feel like I can finally understand my feelings and feel after reading this book that I will be able to move on. I am going to recommend this book to all my friends, I feel this topic needs to be talked about more openly to ensure connections are secure and honest. If you haven't read, I really recommend you do! 💕

[Georgia Griffiths · Rating 5 out of 5]

Lovely balance of advice and Michelle’s personal experience, made me reflect a lot on my own friendships

[Nastja · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meil kõigil on elu jooksul erisuguseid kogemusi sõprussuhetega. Mõned sõbrad tulevad meie ellu lühemaks ajaks, teised jäävad meie kõrvale läbi erinevate eluetappide ja -muutuste. Mõned inimesed kaovad meie elust järk-järgult, sujuvalt lahku kasvades; mõni suhe katkeb aga konflikti või suuremat sorti valukogemuse tõttu. Ühel või teisel viisil saadavad sõprussuhted meie igapäevaelu ning täidavad elu jooksul olulisi vajadusi ja rolle. Ometigi annab sõpruse-teemalist teadus- ja aimekirjandust tikutulega taga otsida.

Esmapilgul tundus, et käesolev raamat võiks suurepäraselt seda haigutavat lünka täita.

Pealkirja põhjal keskendub teos just sõprussuhete lagunemisele. Miks sõbrad nö lahku lähevad? Mismoodi see võib meile mõjuda? Kuidas aru saada, et oleks aeg sõprussuhe katkestada? Kuidas seda elutervelt teha? Kuidas edasi liikuda ja uusi sõpru leida?

Sisukord lubab aga midagi veelgi sisukamat, intrigeerivamat ja loob teosest veel potentsiaalikama mulje. Nimelt tahab autor käsitlemisele võtta sõpruse mõtestamise ja analüüsimise laiemas kontekstis. Teos algab sõpruse kui sellise lahtivõtmisest - miks on sõprussuhted olulised? Mis on levinud valearusaamad ja ühiskondlikud raamid, milles me sõprussuhteid vaatleme? Mis on levinumad ebakindlused, millega inimesed sõpruse teemal rinda pistavad? Millised sündmused ja elumuutused kipuvad meie sõprussuhteid ja suhtedünaamikat mõjutama ning mis moel? Kust võivad tekkida lahkhelid ja mis on tavapärased raskuskohad? Ning alles sealt siis edasi - mis hetkest tasub kaaluda nö lahkuminekut? Kuidas seda teha? Kuidas kaasnevate tunnetega toime tulla? Kuidas leida uusi sõpru ja edaspidi sõprussuhteid hoida, et tulevikus selliste koostlagunemiste tõenäosust vähendada?

Sisukorda lugedes olin tõsiselt põnevil ja haaratud. Need tundusid nii olulised ja huvitavad teemad, millest lähemalt lugeda ja mõelda! Näiteks lubas autor pühendada aega levinud ebakindlustele nagu "miks mul pole parimat sõpra?", "miks mul pole sõpusgruppi?" ja "miks mu sõber ei laigi mu Instagrami postitusi?". Ootamas olid peatükid elumuutuste kohta nagu suhtesseminev (ja pildiltkaduv) sõber, pulmad, pereloomine, vaimse tervise probleemid, eneseareng ja kaasnevad muutused suhete dünaamikas. Ees olid soovitused, missuguseid väärtusi ja reegleid võiks sõprussuhetes kanda, kui eesmärk on viljeleda mõtestatud, ausaid ja lähedasi suhteid.

Ühesõnaga, sisukorra põhjal ootas mind ees lugemine, mis on palju enamat kui pealkiri ütleb. Arvasin, et autor läheneb sõprussuhete temaatikale terviklikult ja mõtestatult.

Raamatu algus täpselt selline oligi. Autor põimis suurepäraselt statistikat, uuringuleide, isiklikke kogemusi ja näiteid. Valitses tasakaal üldise teemapüstituse ja isiklike detailide vahel, mis tegi teksti väga lihtsasti loetavaks - oli kerge suhestuda, haarata kontseptsioone ja kaasa mõelda. Mulle väga meeldis saada väikestviisi sisevaadet autori enda uskumustesse ja tausta, mis selgitas tema (varasemat) lähenemist sõprussuhetele. Näiteks kirjeldas autor, kuidas tema fookus kippus minema eneseanalüüsile ja kaldus ära oma sõprade käitumise mõtestamiselt - küsimuseks sai "kas mina olen piisavalt hea sõber", selle asemel et mõelda, "kas nemad on mulle head sõbrad". Tulemusena võib tekkida olukord, kus enda vajadused jäävad tahaplaanile, enda piirid saavad pidevalt ületatud ning retsiprooksust teiselt osapoolelt jääb väheks, kuna loodud on juba ootused ja dünaamika, kus autor on sõprussuhte ülalhoidja ja panustaja. Suunas kindlasti mõtestama ja analüüsima enda sõprussuhteid, neis esinevaid mustreid, dünaamikat ja iseenda käitumist.

Lisaks arutles autor suurepäraselt selle üle, kuidas me asetame sõprussuhted hierarhias oluliselt allapoole näiteks romantilistest paarisuhetest ning eeldame, et sõprus kuidagi maagiliselt püsib. Kui paarisuhte puhul on loogiline, et peame panustama aega, energiat ja stabiilset ressurssi, et suhe kannaks, siis sõprussuhetele me sedasama loogikat alati ei laienda. Võime ootamatult pildilt kaduda, kohelda sõprussuhteid kui midagi, mille juurde saab alati tagasi tulla (ja kõik on nagu vanasti!), kommunikeerida oluliselt vähem, ning käsitleda osasid sõprussuhteid vastutusevabalt kui suhteid, kuhu me võime panustada ainult nii nagu meil parasjagu mugav on.

Ühesõnaga - raamatu esimese veerandi?kolmandiku? lugemine läks ludinal, olin väga haaratud ja tundsin, et saan sellest palju väärtuslikku. Hakkasin osasid tsitaate ja mõtteid isegi eraldi faili kirja panema, sest oli tõepoolest inspireeriv ja mõtlemapanev. Lõpuks ometi sügavamat analüüsi nii olulisel, aga vähe tähelepanu saaval teemal!

Aga siis hakkasid asjad vaikselt alla käima.

Ja läksid lõpuks täitsa alla ära.

Tasakaal üldise/statistilise ja isikliku vahel läks täiesti uppi. Autor hakkas järjest enam rääkima erinevatel teemadel ainult isikliku kogemuse ja näidete abil. Nii mõnigi peatükk ja teemapüstitus kippus keerlema autori arvamuste ja kogemuse ümber, millest lugeja peaks justkui tegema mingisuguse universaalse üldistuse/järelduse. See tähendab, et suur osa teemadest jäid sisukalt katmata ja väljendasid ainult murdosa sellest, mida mina oleksin terviklikust käsitlemisest oodanud.

Võtame näiteks peatüki pulmade temaatikal. Eeldasin, et autor käsitleb veidi üldistatud toonil erinevaid murekohti, mis pulmade planeerimisel ja läbiviimisel sõprussuhetes võivad üles kerkida (ja oi, neid on palju!), toob mõne konkreetse näite ja ehk annab ka mõningaid juhiseid või mõttemomente, mida enda jaoks läbi mõelda (nii abielluja kui ka külalise perspektiivist). Tegelikkus oli aga selline, et autor lihtsalt rantis oma kogemusest, kui tema parim sõbranna otsustas korraldada oma tüdrukuteõhtu autori sünnipäevaga kattuval nädalavahetusel. Mingit järeldust või sisulist pointi see tegelikult ei kandnud; paistis, et autor lihtsalt tahtis end välja elada ning lõi selle jaoks eraldi "temaatilise" peatüki. Järgnesid ka paar alapeatükki sellest, kuidas autori arvates on pulmakorraldus üldse suht stressirohke ja mõttetu, parem on üldse elope'ida, ja kui keegi peaks talle pakkuma peapruutneitsi rolli, siis ta kavatseb sellest keelduda (sest tal pole vastavaid oskusi rolli täitmiseks) - ja sellest peaks lugeja kaasa võtma teadmise, et peapruutneitsi rollile on okei ei öelda!

Mm, okei.

Äkki ei ole vaja lihtsalt hammustada nii suurt teematükki, kui kogu eesmärk on end lihtsalt tühjaks rääkida omaenda frustreerivate kogemuste osas?

Ja sedasama nähtust kordus järjest enam ja enam. Lõpuks jäi mulle üldse selline maik suhu, et autor võttis kogu selle raamatu kirjutamise ette enam-vähem enda väljaelamiseks, oma eks-sõpradele koha kättenäitamiseks, enda moraalseks puhtakspesemiseks ja oma kogemustest üldistuste tegemiseks teistele eeskujuks.

Mingisugust tasakaalustatud, mitmekülgset, sisulist analüüsi suurel osal teemadest lõppkokkuvõttes ei olnud. Nagu öeldud, on isikliku aspekti sissetoomine väga tervitatav, kasulik ja aitab lugemisega suhestuda. Kuid teemade täielik kaaperdamine oma isiku ja kogemuste kaudu on lõpuks lihtsalt tüütu ja sisutu. Ja peaks siis üldse olema pigem sõpruseteemaline memuaar (mida see raamat ei promolt, pealkirjalt, kirjelduselt, sisukorralt ega esimestelt peatükkidelt ei ole ega taotle olla).

Lugemise käigus hakkas järjest enam mulle sisse imbuma ka tunne, et autor on manipuleeriv ja räägib iseendale vastu. Pikapeale sain sellele ka järjest enam kirjalikku kinnitust. Näiteks räägib autor vaimset tervist puudutavas alapeatükis, kuidas vahel on vaimse tervise mured takistuseks sellele, et sõprussuhtesse vanal viisil panustada. Ta kirjeldab olukorda, kus tal endal oli raske periood, mille tõttu ta ei vastanud enam sõbra sõnumitele. Sõber solvus selle peale, kuid autori sõnul ei tohiks see sõber olukorda isiklikult võtta ja peab arvestama, et vaimne tervis on vahepeal oluline väljakutse. Okei, selge - anname üksteisele ruumi ja arvestame teineteise vaimse tervisega. Järgmises alapeatükis hakkab autor aga rääkima sellest, kuidas vaimset tervist ei tohi kasutada vabandusena. Noh, jah, justkui nõustun. Näitena toob autor välja olukorra, kus ta oli sisuliselt ristivastupidises olukorras eelnevas peatükis kirjeldatule. Autori sõber helistas talle keset oma vaimset breakdowni, kuid viskas poole kõne peal toru ära ja "jättis" autori muretsema sõbra seisundi pärast, enne kui alles 24h pärast endast märku andis ja ütles, et kõik on okei. Siin on autori loo moraal see, et sõber käitus inetult, õõnestas usaldust, ei mõelnud oma käitumise tagajärgedele ja mõjutas autorit selliselt, et too 24h stressas. Autor on järsku ohver, kelle sõber kasutas oma vaimset tervist vabandusena inetult käituda. Mõistan, et käsitletav teema ongi nüansitundlik, aga minule haises see räigete topeltstandardite järgi. Autor tundub võtvat seisukohta lähtuvalt sellest, mis rollis tema parajasti on - kas tema on nö tegija või on ta see, kelle suhtes parajasti tegu on suunatud. Mõlemal juhul toimub vaimse tervise tõttu mittevastamine. Mõlemal juhul on autor pahane oma sõprade peale.

Ja üleüldse, autor on kogu aeg pahane oma (eks)sõprade peale. Ühest küljest on mul hea meel, et tal on standardid ja ta julgeb neid viljeleda. Samal ajal tundub see üks igavene ajuvõimlemine, kus autor on lõpuks pidevalt nii moraalne eeskuju kui ka ohver. Tohutult häiris ka näide, kus autor oma sõprade peale karjus ja justkui tunnistas, et see käitumine oli vale, kuid tema järeldus ja "vastutuse võtmine" ei olnud see, et järgmine kord ei peaks karjuma, vaid see, et järgmine kord peaks oma sõpru panema varem mõistma, miks autor end mingil viisil tunneb, et olukord ei eskaleeruks karjumiseni. Way to offload responsibility for your behaviour on your friends, bitch. Kui nemad ainult paremini munakoortel kõnniks ja autorit varem mõistaks (sest autor avab ennast rohkem!), siis ei oleks ta ka sunnitud nende peale karjuma. Illusoorselt võtab autor vastutuse enda peale selle eest, et varem ja selgemini kommunikeerida, kuid tegelikkuses jätab ta selle varjus adresseerimata, et ükskõik mis olukorras ei ole okei olla sõprade vastu vaimselt vägivaldne ja see on see käitumine, mida ta peab vältima ka juhul, kui mingil põhjusel varasem kommunikeerimine ikkagi konfliktini viib...

Ühesõnaga, see selleks, neid näiteid võin ma siin veel palju laduda. Point on see, et mul tekkis isiklik väärtuskonflikt autoriga, mis on eeldatav ja arusaadav, kui vend laob lõputult näiteid oma käitumisest ja isiklikest olukordadest ilma neid statistika, üldise teemapüstituse või muu taoliseta tasakaalustamata.

Mulle jäi mulje autorist kui inimesest, kes mulle siiralt üldse ei meeldiks, ja kellega suhtlemist ma kaugelt väldiksin. Ta tundus mulle kui inimene, kes on rigiidne, kättemaksuhimuline, manipuleeriv, valelik ja võlts. Naljakas on see, et talle on mõnda neist märksõnadest ka ta ekssõbrad ette heitnud, ja autor väljendab raamatus selle üle suurt pahameelt... Ja seda inimest tundmata tajusin ma ridade vahelt midagi sarnast, mida talle on ette heidetud. Kummaline kogemus.

Seetõttu rikkus see kõik ka üldist lugemiskogemust ja muutus frustreerivaks. Algne inspiratsioon kadus, alles jäi silmade pööritamine ja soov guugeldada, kas keegi autori ekssõpradest on teda juba internetis mingil moel paljastanud. Whoops.

Jube kahju, et sellest muljest oli keeruline lahti lasta ja lugeda raamatut kui lihtsalt üldist infot. Sest autor vaatas iga rea vahelt vastu, ja väga rõhutatult, soovimata ennast tasakaalustada või vahepeal valgusvihust kasvõi hetkeks veidi taandada, et tuua lugejani käsitletav temaatika üldistatumal, universaalsemal kujul. Kõik ei pruugi autori kogemustega suhestuda. Soovides kirjutada aimekirjanduslikku raamatut, mitte memuaari, võiks seda meeles pidada.

Paraku on see liiga isiklik lähenemine ka põhjus, miks raamatu pealkirjas mainitud teema sõprus-lahkuminekutest jäi ka väga ühekülgseks ja puudulikult käsitletuks. Autor keskendus üksnes sellele, kuidas inimene ise (autori arvates) nö kõige elutervemalt lahkuminekuvestlust alustama ja pidama peaks. Elus tuleb aga ette kõiksugu olukordi, alati ei ole lahkuminek ideaalne. Neid autor eriti ei käsitle. Lisaks on autoril ainult ühene ettekujutus, kuidas see "õige" lahkuminek välja peaks nägema. Lahkuminekust taastumise peatükk on aga üldse vaat et kõige lühem sektsioon raamatus ja keskendub väga üldisele nõuandmisele nagu "visualiseeri", "hinga paha emotsioon endast välja" ja "otsi uued sõbrad". Autori aur oli justkui suurest rantimisest juba väljas ning päris teemale ehk tervenemisele ei jäänud tal enam ressurssi. Oleksin oodanud oluliselt rohkem mõtestamisele suunatud küsimusi, praktilisi harjutusi ja näpunäiteid, jpm. Sisuliselt oleks autor pidanud sel juhul pühendama aega leina käsitlemisele. Aga nagu paljude teiste teemade puhul, jääb käsitlus väga pinnapealseks ega täida kaugeltki ära potentsiaali, mida peatüki pealkiri ja teemapüstitus võiksid lubada.
(Annan ehk niipalju au autorile, et need teemad üldse tõstatatud on, isegi kui need on tehtud poolikult, siis vähemalt on mingisugune jälg maas ja algust tehtud. Küll edaspidi saavad inimesed neid lünki veel täiendada.)

Paari mõttega ma ka lihtlabaselt ei nõustunud. Autor baseeris oma lähenemise oma kogemusele ja arvamusele, kuid mitte mingil moel uuringutele või faktidele. Pean silmas seda, kas iga sõprussuhte peaks lõpetama vestlusega lahkuminekust, või on okei osadel sõpradel lasta lihtsalt "hajuda" - autori meelest on see ebaeetiline ghostimine. Tundub nagu moraaliküsimus, mida autor mitmekülgselt käsitleda ei soovinud.

Mingid tsitaadid ja mõtted võtan siiski kaasa, nõustun ja pean ääretult oluliseks.
Minu mulje autorist on intensiivne ja kohati tõenäoliselt ka ebaõiglane, olles mõjutatud ka enda kogemustest teiste inimestega, kes autorit ehk mõningal määral ka meenutavad. Esimesi peatükke igatahes soovitan kindlasti, ning kui aegamööda ei tundu lugejale asi ära vajuvat, siis laske aga edasi.

Mina üritan jätkata oma otsinguid hea sõpruse-teemalise kirjanduse radadel.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Friendship has been the thing that takes up most of my thoughts the last few years. I simultaneously feel so much joy and gratefulness for the friends I have as well as a lot of heartbreak and sadness for the friendships I wanted but just couldn’t work out.

[Slugg · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ 5 STARS BABY
Bad Friend by Michelle Elman

Wow. This book made me feel so seen. It’s been a minute since I’ve read a self help book so this is saying something. Every chapter felt like Michelle was speaking directly to a version of me that needed to hear.
“You’re not the bad guy for walking away.”
It’s raw, validating, and deeply honest about the grief that comes with friendship breakups. The kind that leave scars but also teach you what real love and respect should look like. (Let’s say it louder for the ones in the back)
I won’t lie, I’ve been in my “fuck this person who betrayed me” era, but this book softened that anger into something wiser. I realized that anyone who gets to call me their friend is lucky. I give love deeply, and I deserve the same in return.
One line that stuck with me was, “Now that I have a voice, I’ll be damned if I let anyone take it from me.” That hit me straight in the chest because that’s exactly what this season of my life is about. Reclaiming my voice, my boundaries, and my peace.
Protecting your peace doesn’t make you a cold person. It makes you free. I needed this read. It made me so grateful for the friends I do have. Especially the ones who make me laugh until I cry, who feel easy, safe, and real.
Everything I’m doing is okay. I’m okay. 💛

[Sarah Rossi · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book I wish I’d had at age 18. Confirms many of my own feelings that took me 25 years and plenty of missteps to learn. There is a lot of content from the author’s own life, I think I would have found it slightly more impactful if it had been more research/fact based. Anyone who has ever questioned their own friendship choices should definitely read.

[Isabelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

A lot of this reads like a first draft. There is a lot of repetition, and some sentences are long but empty. Most egregious, perhaps, is that 20% of the book is comprised of pull quotes. This means that 80 out of 400 pages (excluding the epilogue and acknowledgements) simply repeat sentences from the previous or subsequent pages. It was a frustrating reading experience, which is a shame, as the topic is undoubtedly important, and there is absolutely some great advice in here.

[sasha · Rating 2 out of 5]

This lacks all the depth and nuance that would have made it interesting or useful to read. Could have been an essay, but insisted on repeating itself enough to hit the wordcount for a book.

[danielle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Several of my most treasured friendships have ended over the past few years. Without wanting to be dramatic, it’s not something that I have been able to completely move forward from, in many ways. I really wanted reading this book to change my life, and although I don’t feel that way after finishing, it could still be perfect for the right audience!

I would say that probably the first half was dedicated to unpacking exactly why friendships are important, theories on how these relationships are built and preventing them from being broken down. All of this is fine and good in itself, if not what I was looking for, necessarily. The practical advice that did feature was unfortunately not applicable to my own situation, as someone with agoraphobia and severe anxiety. Not the author’s fault, of course, but possibly explains why I didn’t completely get value from it like others will. In saying that: I do feel as if I would benefit from eventually picking up some of her older work, to learn how Michelle initially started to love herself, after navigating so many health issues.

Outside of the drama, Michelle’s descriptions of the love she now shares with her friends felt like a fairytale. I can’t say that it felt particularly relatable (or attainable) in places, but maybe that’s okay. Maybe sometimes there are no answers, and as long as it helps even just one person to feel less alone as they muddle through, that’s good enough for me.

[aine · Rating 4 out of 5]

second book of the year yippee! such a strong believer in friendships can make or break you and this book perfectly highlighted how having good, solid relationships around you can be your key to happiness. as someone who’s been through an extremely difficult friendship breakup this was so important for me to read and i can’t express how much i cried at the first few chapters lol. massive vouch for michelle as an author <3

[Dita · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tahle knížka pro mně byla jako několik sezení s terapeutem. Témata se mi zarývala pod kůži a já jsem byla nucená uvažovat nad tím, jaká jsem vlastně přítelkyně. Po dočtení jsem ji hned chtěla začít číst znovu.

[Priss · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5. I love the practical tips on friendship. I value my friendships a lot and this helped me reflect a bit more on old and new friendships.

[Kona · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed a highlighter while reading this!! Really helped to reflect on friendships and how to go about the ones I have currently and any old and any new ones.

[David Liu · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found it helpful to hear about Michelle's experiences. I 100% believe Michelle's claim that society has shame surrounding friendship breakups. I agree with her view that it should be normalised. There's an important conversation to be had here. The massive overvalue of romantic relationships and consequent undervalue of platonic friendships needs to be recognised.

Only three stars because sometimes I found it difficult to support Michelle's interpretatons of people being unkind. While it does seem like that she lightly villainises certain people, the book does encourage the reader to avoid self-victimisation and to take ownership of actions and choices

[Noesmu · Rating 3 out of 5]

It made me quite uncomfortable how this book often felt more like the author’s memoir than a broader exploration of female friendships. The tone came across as a bit whiny and somewhat insensitive and I just couldn’t relate to her communication style.

This isn’t a personal critique of the author; I do respect Michelle Elman for her openness and for finding her way through the complexities of friendship. But as a reader, I was expecting a wider lens—something that reflected the experiences of all women, not just her own. If it’s meant to be a memoir, I wish it had been framed that way from the start so I could approach it with the right expectations.

That said, I did take away a few valuable insights, especially around seeking friendships that align with one’s personal values, communicating specially when things feel awkward and the reminder that people naturally change through different phases of life. I also learned the importance of initiating friendships myself and being intentional about where and how I meet people. Still, I’ve found those lessons explored more deeply in other books like The Let Them Theory and Conversations on Love.

Overall, it had a few takeaways, but I wished for more perspectives and shared stories,that would’ve made the message feel far more universal.

[Lindsey✿ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, I wish I had this book a year ago during a series of huge life changes and the discovery that a few friendships were more about convenience than connection. I’ve always been someone who equates my worth to how many friends I have and this book was a huge revelation for me.

Some favorite takeaways:
• The average person has around 29 friendships throughout their life and only 6 (give or take) will withstand the test of time.
• The fewer low-quality friendships you have, the more time and energy you have to nurture and maintain the high-quality ones.
• Ghosting is a cowardly way to end a friendship and it’s not a reflection of you, it’s a statement that the person who chose to ghost struggles with communication in general (I’ve been guilty of this).
• Having a friend group does not automatically mean having close friends, and it’s okay to not be part of one.
• “We are a sum of all the people we have ever encountered, for better or for worse.”

This book made me really grateful to meet and reconnect with friends who are in the same life stage as me and it made me even more appreciative for the unwavering love of friends who have shown up constantly throughout the years and continue to do so even when we’re in different chapters of our lives.

[Demi Cramb · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I read this book years ago and now I know it exists, I am going to purchase it to refer back to. I listened to this book and Michelle was very calming which is good cause otherwise more tears may have been shed in public places. I agree with Michelle that friendship breakups are taboo and not talked about. No one really knows how to handle them and you don't work or keep trying with friendships like you do a relationship. You can even grieve them harder than a relationship.

Terms like BB4L does put added on pressure and I bought into that thinking I am in my 30s now, I have my people but when I look back my friendships have changed and it is to do with the recipe for friendship - proximity, timing, effort. This book made me realise that friendships will always change and its ok if certain friendships don't serve me any more, some become more distant, some become more closer, some come back again, some don't need as much effort, some have different needs and expectations. This book helped me to stop living in the past, make me feel more content of where I am now with my friendships and more calm for what my future friendships may be. It also has better prepared me to handle conflict and difficult conversations with friends.

[TwoDrinks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Recommended by a new friend following a discussion about friendship. A lot of the text I couldn’t relate to (I go out for “tea” so every time I heard “dinner” it grated on me - granted I recognise that’s my issue). But, some very good nuggets in questioning why we don’t grieve or end friendships properly. There were times where some of the advice seemed to be contradictory (e.g. around ghosting of new friends) but all in all, I thought this was a thought-provoking read, even if as someone much older than the author, I’d be more comfortable speaking to someone rather than texting. I particularly liked the idea of reflecting more and get realising that activity dates with friends were more favourable than an endless round of dinners. So, some good insight, and lots of references too.

[Sabina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Michelle has once again released a book that is easy to read, full of knowledge and holds your hand and tells you what you need to hear. I took a little longer to finish this book as this book released at the perfect time and helped me through breaking up with a friend. I’d like to add that this book talks about female friendships, but my ex friend is a guy and it still helped me.

She gives you examples of text messages to send in various situations, makes you cry when you come across information that validates your feelings and helps to put lots of things into perspective. I’ve been highly recommending this to a lot of people already, and will continue to do so. Thank you, Michelle!

[Rachael Day · Rating 4 out of 5]

A compassionate and eye-opening exploration of friendship—its beauty, its complexity, and its heartbreak. This book helped me reflect deeply on past friendships and, most importantly, let go of guilt I had been carrying for years. Elman reminds us that no one is perfect, and that includes ourselves.

She tackles the often-ignored pain of losing close friends with honesty and empathy, encouraging readers to have the uncomfortable conversations we tend to avoid. I especially appreciated the guidance on making new friends as an adult—something that’s rarely talked about but so necessary.

This book doesn’t offer easy answers, but it does offer clarity, comfort, and a path forward.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I picked this up as I recently went through a friendship breakup. This was exactly the right book - in fact I wish I had read it years ago. Michelle is empathetic, fair and detailed in her descriptions of why friendships end, how to end a friendship well, how to choose the right friends, how to make friends and every other topic in relation to friendship you could possibly think of (there is even a chapter on male friendship and ugh it's so much easier for men lol). There was so much I could relate to. So grateful she wrote this, and I will probably be rereading in the future.

[Nicole Joseph · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed it and found it a good overview on all the complications friendship can pose as well as how important they can be to a fulfilled life. I listened to the audiobook and found the tone a little self righteous at times and potentially a little too focussed on the authors recent life developments which made it feel a bit more centred around book deals than fully grounded ideas explored at times. I think in a non fiction or self help style book I prefer a bit more theory and wider world accounts than all one persons perspective personally.

[Lotty Giggal · Rating 4 out of 5]

really enjoyed and this was a book that came into my life at the right time.

I've rated this 4* as admittedly a lot of the content of the book is already out there in Elman's podcast and newsletters.

Although I do appreciate having it all condensed in one book, as it makes the content and wisdom more accessible.

Following this however, I feel there was enough new content to engage me as an already existing fan of Elman's work and I will definitely be recommending to others.

[Caron Elliott · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book. Thought provoking and tender making me look at my friendships (past and present) with love. Having been through some heart breaking friendship break ups myself I can attest that these have been more challenging than romantic breakups. I love Michelle’s writing style and whilst I found myself not agreeing with everything she writes; she opens the door for the discussion. I’ll be recommending this book to everyone.

[Emma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fully agree that friendship should be spoken about more. Listened to this on Spotify, and was pleased to know it was read by the author. Great premise, well chunked. Only reason it was not 5* for me was that I found the style a bit ‘authoritative’ at times, but appreciate that’s kind of what you sign up for from a book that is happily categorised as self-help.

[Laura Latham · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good notes in here, but it was far too specific to female friendships for me. It didn't even acknowledge male-female friendships, and constantly talked about friendships being viewed lower than romantic ones - and yet if you look at queer-platonic relationships that isn't really the case. Would've loved a bit more nuance.

[Georgina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book 📖 goes into studies and personal anecdotes in friendships. Psychology advice. Why friendships go wrong and how to fix them.
Nevertheless address sunk cost fallacy and how to end a friendship kindly.
Eye opening book in area that Psychology normally ignores.
Really needed this book this year and found it helpful and supportive.

[dani alexa · Rating 5 out of 5]

So insightful & helped me better understand a lot of pain and grief I’d been internalizing for months. Friendship is important, good and bad. Sometimes, however, bad friends are more important to experience, to hurt from, feel angry towards, accept, and someday, move on from— even when a piece of you may always care for that friendship that once was.

[Lindsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

this book came out exactly when i needed it. it gave me a lot of insight into my friendships and how to improve them, how to give others and myself more grace. michelle had a lot of great pieces of wisdom and advice that will stick with me and that i’d like to really try to incorporate in my life