How We Came To Be

by Andrea Dee

University radio DJ Ellice Sanchez has always been good with words. But she can’t seem to find the words to explain to her friends how and why she never felt any romantic feelings for her ex-boyfriend (or anyone else, to be exact).

Engineering major Alex Yu is good at Math (as all Chinese kids are…supposedly). But for the longest time, he’s been struggling to figure out how to go after the Literature degree he’s always wanted while fulfilling his family’s expectations.

When they accidentally meet again after being sort-of-strangers in high school, Ellice and Alex fall into an unlikely yet shockingly easy friendship strengthened by fairly unproductive study sessions and Ellice’s chaotic semi-weekly university radio show.

With Alex’s unquestioning acceptance of Ellice’s newly-discovered aromantic-asexuality and Ellice’s persistence in pushing Alex to chase after what he wants, they are unexpectedly what each other needs.

Genres: Young Adult, LGBT

294 pages, Paperback

First published October 8, 2024

Reviews

[Pam Z (Pam's Shenanigans) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Actual rating: 3.5 stars

It's been a while since I've read something so refreshing as How We Came To Be! It was such a nice break from straight and queer romance books since this one features an aromantic-asexual character with a platonic friendship with a guy!

I loved how it focused on the characters' internal and individual struggles, which also affect their relationships with themselves and the people around them. It tackles existentiality for a young adult audience. Even as a full-on adult, I could relate and empathize with the characters. How much more for young adults?

Again, I will highlight how much I love the platonic friendship that the two characters have and how heartwarming their stories are.

[Denille Ashley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book for the fact that it's soft, comfortable and an easy read coming of age novel. Also, there is that funny inception feeling wherein we read about characters talking about representation in a book that makes representation a main character plot point.

While I have no idea what it meant to feel aromantic asexual, I do have a brother who has told me that this is exactly what he has felt all his life and echoes of Ellice's thoughts sounded familiar.

And while the book spends a lot of time dwelling on Ellice's discomfort about being different from everyone else, I realize it's not all that different from the fact that at nineteen years old, all everyone wanted to do was fit in and be "normal" as normal can be. In that sense, Ellice and Alex's platonic friendship is quite beautiful, pure and honest and untainted by the usual things that make romantic relationships awkward once there are unrequited feelings.

There were a lot of moments in this book that I felt like I could relate, which is why I liked it. Alex, for one - the characteristic overthinker who spends a lot of time dwelling on whether he would be good enough, panicking if the future would be twisted and mangled because he made wrong decisions - plus the fact that he had always felt his parents would judge him for every decision he made - all of these sound very, very familiar and it made me reminisce my own past teenage self in a lot of ways. In a way, I am glad to have representation in a book for the fact that I am able to relate it to my own slices of life.

I found both Alex' and Ellice's background stories fascinating for the most part, besides being relatable. Insecurity and doubt were so tantamount in those key coming of age days, realizing who you are as a person and getting to know yourself. Those were my favorite parts of the book and part of what made me see this as a cozy read.

At the same time, remembering teenage days also brings about the times I cringe (not just at myself but at dialogue that I've outgrown). There were a lot of conversations in this book wherein I felt touched and emotionally drawn, but there were also some touches of conversation that also felt cringey and juvenile but I guess that's more a preference for more adult and deeper conversation on my end vs anything else, given that these were age appropriate anyway.

Overall, pretty solid read and a quick and cozy read at that. There's this fluffy feeling after finishing the book.

[S S · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book put a huge smile on my face from start to finish. I loved the friendship between Alex and Ellice, so easy and simple from the beginning, and every time they were apart, I found myself looking forward to when they'd get together again. The author writes their friendship with such care and detail, showing us how much genuine affection and support they have for each other. The ending (which I won't spoil) comes naturally and peacefully, and I found it such a reprieve from the dramatic and messy climaxes I expect from contemporary romance novels.

Special shout-out to Alex's story of shifting out of engineering, the major his parents wanted, to Literature, what he wanted. Throughout the book I found myself feeling for him so much, at how much fear and anxiety he felt about defying his Chinese parents' wishes, and his fear and anxiety all over again at not being good enough at Literature. Bro was going through a nervous breakdown for 2/3rds of the novel and I just wanted to give him a hug and tell him that he'll be okay.

This is the first proper aro-ace novel I've read and while I was familiar with the concept before, this novel, to me, was the clearest articulation of just how wonderful the relationships that aro-ace people build are; indeed, how wonderful the relationships we can build with each other could be if we stopped thinking that romantic relationships are the only ones that matter (which Filipino culture can be notorious for doing).

And yes, this is getting filed under "gay shit" because aro-ace people are and always will be part of the queer community. 🏳️‍🌈🖤🤍💜

[aybeee · Rating 4 out of 5]

The moment I read the book’s synopsis, I was instantly intrigued, and I’m so glad I picked it up as part of my “Buwan ng Wika” TBR.

The story follows Ellice, a university DJ who has recently come to terms with her identity as aro-ace, and Alex Yu, an Engineering major longing to shift to a different path and pursue his dream of becoming a writer. They couldn’t be more different, yet they complement each other in ways that feel genuine and heartfelt.

One of the things I truly love about this book is how slice-of-life it feels. It captures the whole university experience, the late night overthinking, the self-doubts, the overthinking, the emotional meltdown during midterms and finals week, and the way we can always be our own harshest critic. Through Ellice and Alex’s friendship, the story reminded me how important it is to find someone who understands, accepts, and appreciates us for exactly who we are.

If you’re looking for a story with aro-ace representation done right, this is one I can wholeheartedly recommend. Ellice’s journey is handled with such care and depth, making it both meaningful and relatable to the readers who have experienced the same thing. And I also admit that there were moments in Alex’s POV really got to me as his experiences quite hit close to home of what I’ve experienced when I was still in my old major. Like whenever he’s overthinking and having self doubts I just wanted to reach out to him and give him a warm, comforting hug and tell him, that he will be okay.

Such a warm and comforting read during the weekend.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5. I am largely giving this book higher marks than I normally would because it’s the first aspec book I’ve seen from the Philippines. Given that the Filipino media I’ve consumed tends to have romantic elements to the point that I feel they are shoehorned, this book is a big deal for me. I would have appreciated better editing with the writing style as well as formatting issues, however.

Also, the story doesn’t pick up until Bianca tells Ellice about asexuality and aromanticism, when everything clicks for our MC. Then I found myself highlighting a lot of quotes. If anything, Ellice’s story was more interesting. Alex’s was cliche and repetitive. But good on them for finding platonic love with one another amongst dense allos.

I would have liked to have seen more scenes with Ellice’s work as a DJ. Aside from her Valentine’s Day segment, I didn’t get to see much regarding the ins and outs of her gig. If you have a cool job, I’d like to read about the day-to-day stuff too.

Though I had one eyebrow-raising moment: when Ellice was reading through a script, I felt there was casual biphobia. What was with the bit about coming out as bisexual not being recommendable after a best friend confesses their crush? 🤨 A shame, considering Ellice’s sister comes out as bisexual.

At any rate, I hope there are more Filipino aspec books.

[bookish.ez · Rating 4 out of 5]

How We Came To Be was the first book i ever read that features an aromantic asexual coming-out story and i really enjoyed it. knowing what aromanticism and asexuality mean, and reading this kind of representation on the page was incredibly wholesome !

Andrea Dee did a remarkable job of showing our main character, Ellice’s beautiful journey from confusion to self-acceptance regarding her aro ace identity. not only that, How We Came To Be also taught us to chase after what we want, and NEVER do anything you don't want to do out of expectation. i was so proud of Alex’s decision to finally shift from Engineering major to Literature Degree. he deserved it!

one of the things that i really loved in this book was the platonic relationship between Ellie and Alex. it was so beautiful in my opinion!!! Alex was genuinely interested in Ellie, and he’s so respectful. the way they supported each other was just so heart-warming to read.

oh, i forgot to mention Casey. she was such an amazing side character, and i liked her personality.

overall How We Came To Be was a good read ! the writing was captivating and the story gave such an important message.

thank you so much @penguinbookssea for the review copy!

[Antonia · Rating 4 out of 5]

"How We Came To Be" enlightened me in the most wholesome and refreshing way, reciprocating the fearful agitations in life decisions and finding comfort in chaos, debunking the stereotypical mindset of the larger community. This novel beautifully taught me that the right love, respect, and understanding in all its forms is the highest form of tranquility you can offer to someone despite the societal pressures it pins with. Alex and Ellice gave me an embodiment of a wholesome companionship, a pure love that seeks no returns, two people as a lighthouse and a calm to their storms and waves, and soulmates that shouldn’t and aren’t always be found with your better half.

[Shiandra · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great book about friendship and why it's okay to stand out and be different.

[Alissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 🌟 Cute and comforting book. A+ for representation.

I feel like teenage me would've liked this more but this was still nice. 🌌

[cc · Rating 3 out of 5]

Let's start with the good: Ellice and Alex are the beating heart of the story. They're easy to love, their friendship is genuinely heartwarming, and it's hard not to root for their respective character journeys. Alex's "STEM major from a high-pressure family who wants to shift out" arc is a cliche and drawn-out story, sure, but I also have a hard time faulting it because I knew far too many people in university whose lives really were like the stereotype. Ellice's aroace coming out story is newer and fresher, especially in a Southeast Asian / Filipino setting, but I love that it's also its own thing and bucks stereotypes. Ellice has relationship experience and was quite popular in high school - she's not some socially-confused nerd. A lot of the tension in her arc came from her fear that the people in her circles would find her weird, a fear that is not only partially true in the story, but also true for many aroace people in real life.

But the biggest flaw of this book, and one that just makes me go "eh, it's alright," is that there's barely any established sense of setting. Alex and Ellice study at "the university", a nondescript place, and they live in "the condo," and Ellice DJs at "the booth" and she and her friends eat at "the burger joint." There's no real physicality or character to any place - it's just there to establish that the characters are in Place A but not Place B. But it's not just the physical aspects of the setting; the overall sense of being lived in, of the story happening sometime and somewhere, is sorely lacking, and that naturally limits how well I know these characters. I don't have an overall sense of what Ellice's DJ gig is like, so I don't really empathize with how much she enjoys it. I never see Alex's engineering classes, so I don't fully understand how he feels about them. There's literally a chapter where a radio department head pops into the story, tells Ellice some plot-relevant information, and then never appears again.

(Contrast this to Loveless, which also takes place in a university and is also centered on an aroace coming-out character arc; that story makes full use of its setting, from student societies to dorms to quirks like college marriages. Georgia and her friends not only do university student things, but those things also drive the plot and their character arcs!)

But here it felt like the story was so overly focused on the Ellice-Alex friendship that everything else was underdeveloped, not just the setting. The book feels too short in that regard; we skip from important scene to important scene with little space to develop the overall world and life of the story. Ellice is supposed to be a fairly popular with a nice social circle, but you barely see her hanging out with friends other than Alex. I did not understand why she was close friends with Casey when many of their interactions felt like they were on different wavelengths. Alex's side is a bit better in this regard, as you learn quite a bit about his family and they get fleshed out nicely in the New Year's scenes, but it was still a bit odd that the guy seems to have no social life outside of Ellice.

For a debut novel this is okay enough, and I am glad that it exists -- stories centered around friendships are good, and aroace coming out stories are good. But man, I was hoping for it to be more developed in some other areas.

[Faith Co · Rating 5 out of 5]

“You’re the best person in the world. I’d like nothing better than to be stuck with you.”

There’s something beautiful in unexpectedly finding your soul mirrored in another person. This book captured that feeling in such a fresh way, proving that a story doesn’t need to be romantic and intense to give you that warm, fuzzy feeling in your chest.

Absolutely adored this book! I just so happened to read it when it was fall here in Canada, and it tugged on my heartstrings at the most perfect time. I definitely recommend it!