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Paperback
First published September 24, 2014
‘I looked out the car window at the slow windings of the B1124 as it wended through the subtle hills of the Colne Valley and thought of the old Roman road between Colchester and Cambridge. Traders carrying oysters wrapped in damp sacks from Mersea Island. Might not a landscape itself be seen as a memory theatre?
‘—I found the idea of a memory theatre, even the Hegelian version, slightly droll, as I had lost much of my memory after the accident. All I remembered from that morning in the pharmaceutical factory was Jilted John playing on the radio – ‘Gordon is a moron’ – and blood all over the floor. I loved that song. It was even more stripped down than conventional punk: two chords instead of three. Then my hand got trapped in the machine by inch-thick steel paddles. Steel slicing flesh. After I pulled out my hand, horribly mangled and hanging by bloody tendons and shards of bone, I collapsed.’
‘I remember being blissfully out of my brain on Pethidine in a hospital bed—I blacked out. Then I remember going into the operating theatre. I blacked out again—my hand suspended above me and wrapped in vast bandages. It was dark and I told him that it wasn’t my fault this time. Then I lost consciousness again. After three operations and as many weeks in hospital, I was told by the specialist that my hand wouldn’t have to be amputated. Here it is in front of me right now, arthritic and disfigured with a huge skin-graft scar, but still capable of slow two-finger typing—A registered disability, no less. It’s like that bloody short story by Maupassant. I kept my hand, more or less, but lost large fields of my memory. This was the effect of the trauma, doctors told me. How reassuring. I would get flashbacks, for sure, but they were often vague and they didn’t necessarily feel like my memories. My self felt like a theatre with no memory. All the seats were empty. Nothing was happening onstage. I sat back in my office chair and closed my eyes.’
'Maybe the Hegelian memory theatre is not just a map of the past, but a plan of the future, a predictive memory theatre. Everyone could have their own memory theatre. Everyone was their own memory theatre. If I had no memory, had I ceased to really exist at the moment of the accident? Was this a kind of death in life where I was experiencing a kind of reverse dementia?’
‘Everything that I had done—was too two-dimensional. Too flat. Like this fucking landscape. Memory is repetition. Sure. But it is repetition with a difference. It is not a recitation. It is repetition that creates a felt variation in the way things appear. Repetition is what makes novelty possible. This is what Mark E. Smith meant. Memory needs to be imagination. Transfiguration. Now, I saw it. The whole thing. An endlessly recreating, re-enacting memory mechanism. A rotating eternity. Self-generating and self-altering.'
'We do not make ourselves. We cannot remake ourselves through memory. Such was the fallacy driving my memory theatre. We are not self-constituting beings. We are constituted through the vast movement of history of which we are the largely quiescent effects. Sundry epiphenomena. Symptoms of a millennia-long malaise whose cause escapes us. The theatre of memory cannot be reduced to my memory. It has to reach down into the deep immemorial strata that contain the latent collective energy of the past. The dead who still fill the air with their cries. The memory theatre would have to immerse itself in the monumentally forgotten. Like a dredging machine descending down through the lethean waters of the contemporary world into the sand, silt and sludge of the sedimented past. I had seen a machine like that once on the Essex coast. I watched it for hours. Dredging mud. The clanging noise it made. Water slipping through its metal teeth.'
'The problem with my memory theatre was that it was a theatre of death and it would die with me. What was the point of that? The new machine would continue forever. Forever repeating. Forever innovating. Not just the same. It would be an artifice, sure, a simulacrum, undoubtedly, but infinite and autonomous. Its autonomy, not mine. Not the same mistake again. It would be the perfect work of art. It would continue without me, in perpetuity. Endlessly. Eventually, it would be indistinguishable from life. It would become life itself.’
i was dying. that much was certain. the rest is fiction.