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Love in Exile
The acclaimed Top 10 Sunday Times best-seller on our search for love
'Uncommonly wise and honest. Love in Exile flooded me with a sense of continuity and hope. A masterpiece, from start to finish' - Maggie Nelson
Shon Faye grew up quietly obsessed with the feeling that love was not for her. Not just romantic the secret fear of her own unworthiness penetrated every aspect and corner of her life. It was a fear that would erupt in destructive, counterfeit versions of the real love she addictions and short-lived romances that were either euphoric and fantastical, or excruciatingly painful and unhinged, often both. Faye’s experience of the world as a trans woman, who grew up visibly queer, exacerbated her fears. But, as she confronted her damaging ideas about love and lovelessness, she came to realize that this sense of exclusion is symptomatic of a much larger problem in our culture.
Love, she argues, is as much a collective question as a personal one. Yet our collective ideals of love have developed in a society which is itself profoundly sick and loveless; in which consumer capitalism sells us ever new, engrossing fantasies of becoming more loved or lovable. In this highly politicized terrain, boundaries are purposefully drawn to keep some in and to keep others out. Those who exist outside them are ignored, denigrated, exiled.
In Love in Exile, Shon Faye shows love is much greater than the narrow ideals we have been taught to crave so desperately that we are willing to bend and break ourselves to fit them. Wise, funny, unsparing, and suffused with a radical clarity, this is a book of and for our for seeing and knowing love, in whatever form it takes, is the meaning of life itself.
'Uncommonly wise and honest. Love in Exile flooded me with a sense of continuity and hope. A masterpiece, from start to finish' - Maggie Nelson
Shon Faye grew up quietly obsessed with the feeling that love was not for her. Not just romantic the secret fear of her own unworthiness penetrated every aspect and corner of her life. It was a fear that would erupt in destructive, counterfeit versions of the real love she addictions and short-lived romances that were either euphoric and fantastical, or excruciatingly painful and unhinged, often both. Faye’s experience of the world as a trans woman, who grew up visibly queer, exacerbated her fears. But, as she confronted her damaging ideas about love and lovelessness, she came to realize that this sense of exclusion is symptomatic of a much larger problem in our culture.
Love, she argues, is as much a collective question as a personal one. Yet our collective ideals of love have developed in a society which is itself profoundly sick and loveless; in which consumer capitalism sells us ever new, engrossing fantasies of becoming more loved or lovable. In this highly politicized terrain, boundaries are purposefully drawn to keep some in and to keep others out. Those who exist outside them are ignored, denigrated, exiled.
In Love in Exile, Shon Faye shows love is much greater than the narrow ideals we have been taught to crave so desperately that we are willing to bend and break ourselves to fit them. Wise, funny, unsparing, and suffused with a radical clarity, this is a book of and for our for seeing and knowing love, in whatever form it takes, is the meaning of life itself.
198 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2025
409 people are currently reading
11934 people want to read
About the author
Shon Faye
5 books374 followersShon Faye is author of the acclaimed bestseller The Transgender Issue. Her work has been published in, among others, the Guardian, Independent, British Vogue and VICE. She writes an advice column, Dear Shon, for Vogue.com. Born in Bristol, she now lives in London.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 545 reviews
February 23, 2025
"Seeing romantic love as a cure for one's ills is a sure-fire route to treating it like a resource to be extracted from others. It soon leads to self-deception, manipulation, secrecy and fear in matters that are supposed to be shaped by generosity, honesty and trust."
Oh, this is a bit of a confusing one for me to review and a very big part of my disappointments were due to my expectations that were solidified in the first few chapters of this. The first 3 chapters of this book were incredible, 5-star material. Faye's writing is excellent and her points, especially about how romantic love is treated as an all-powerful all-saving love, pushing other types of love to the side, was well crafted and aligned with my expectations. While I expected these critiques to continue and expand, with examples of love in all forms flowing through the narrative, there was a shift in chapter 4 that made the focus significantly more on not wanting kids/the horrors of motherhood, addiction, and romantic relationships. It was all very well written and interesting to read but it also went a completely different direction than I wanted, and I felt as though the points and criticisms that started so strong in the first three chapters fell to the wayside, and that critical look at how society has worked very hard in an attempt to create a loveless world is exactly the reason I was reading this book. So, for me, the shift was disappointing. It's definitely worth the read, and Faye does an excellent job painting a picture of the hardships in love while being a trans woman and with her battles with addiction; I just wanted this to go a bit deeper into the critique (or at least deeper into the communities and friends she has made and how important those are to help solidify her point) when it went deeper into the memoir, which I know many people will enjoy quite a lot.
3.5/5
Oh, this is a bit of a confusing one for me to review and a very big part of my disappointments were due to my expectations that were solidified in the first few chapters of this. The first 3 chapters of this book were incredible, 5-star material. Faye's writing is excellent and her points, especially about how romantic love is treated as an all-powerful all-saving love, pushing other types of love to the side, was well crafted and aligned with my expectations. While I expected these critiques to continue and expand, with examples of love in all forms flowing through the narrative, there was a shift in chapter 4 that made the focus significantly more on not wanting kids/the horrors of motherhood, addiction, and romantic relationships. It was all very well written and interesting to read but it also went a completely different direction than I wanted, and I felt as though the points and criticisms that started so strong in the first three chapters fell to the wayside, and that critical look at how society has worked very hard in an attempt to create a loveless world is exactly the reason I was reading this book. So, for me, the shift was disappointing. It's definitely worth the read, and Faye does an excellent job painting a picture of the hardships in love while being a trans woman and with her battles with addiction; I just wanted this to go a bit deeper into the critique (or at least deeper into the communities and friends she has made and how important those are to help solidify her point) when it went deeper into the memoir, which I know many people will enjoy quite a lot.
3.5/5
December 17, 2025
Shon Faye ponders the politics of love: Starting from memoir-esque recollections of her past, she triangulates her experiences with that of others as well as philosophical and political authors (Friedrich Engels, bell hooks, Germaine Greer, Simone de Beauvoir) to arrive at strongly opinionated personal conclusions. Faye is an Irish transwoman who grew up with a single mother (her father was an alcoholic) and a loving grandmother. Before her transition, she was dating gay men, afterwards straight men - Faye refutes both On Heteropessimism and the romantic ideal of love, which, she argues, has become more important under capitalism because capitalism has eroded communal thinking, thus privatizing love (see the theories of Mark Fisher).
Ironically, I found the parts that blame capitalism the least convincing - sure, the consumerist, swipe-away attitude has brought new aspects to the commodification of bodies, but it's so easy to blame capitalism and leave readers without agency, although it's actually individual people who make up a system and fuck up the body politic. It's intriguing though how the text ponders dysfunctional ways to deal with love and desire, and how it dives into complex dynamics of exclusion. Love is rooted in the desire to be safe and to belong, so Faye, taking an intersectional approach, talks about trans people, connecting femininity to the ability to bear children, TERFs, alcohol abuse, cancel culture etc.pp.
I particularly enjoyed how the research clashes with anecdotes and pop culture references, from Lana Del Rey to Ru Paul. Also, the author wants readers to not only think about love, but to try to establish new forms of mothering, community building, and friendships. Somewhat surprisingly, the book ends with a chapter on Catholic spirituality - not that I mind (I am a Catholic), plus the author has an Irish background, so maybe it's not THAT surprising.
A fast, interesting read, and a great text to discuss with others.
You can listen to the podcast gang discuss the German translation (also titled Love in Exile) here: https://papierstaupodcast.de/podcast/...
Ironically, I found the parts that blame capitalism the least convincing - sure, the consumerist, swipe-away attitude has brought new aspects to the commodification of bodies, but it's so easy to blame capitalism and leave readers without agency, although it's actually individual people who make up a system and fuck up the body politic. It's intriguing though how the text ponders dysfunctional ways to deal with love and desire, and how it dives into complex dynamics of exclusion. Love is rooted in the desire to be safe and to belong, so Faye, taking an intersectional approach, talks about trans people, connecting femininity to the ability to bear children, TERFs, alcohol abuse, cancel culture etc.pp.
I particularly enjoyed how the research clashes with anecdotes and pop culture references, from Lana Del Rey to Ru Paul. Also, the author wants readers to not only think about love, but to try to establish new forms of mothering, community building, and friendships. Somewhat surprisingly, the book ends with a chapter on Catholic spirituality - not that I mind (I am a Catholic), plus the author has an Irish background, so maybe it's not THAT surprising.
A fast, interesting read, and a great text to discuss with others.
You can listen to the podcast gang discuss the German translation (also titled Love in Exile) here: https://papierstaupodcast.de/podcast/...
February 14, 2025
This book is excellent. Witty, intelligent, and so relatable. Weaving in personal, intimate memoir and well researched, wide reaching examinations of love under capitalism, motherhood under patriarchy, marriage, politics, religion, self love and addiction through a millennial, trans woman’s lens. It had me nodding like a nodding dog and saying mmmm on many occasions.
Using cultural touch-points, historical events, literary and feminist theory, and myth to evaluate her own issues with modern day versions of love, Faye writes accessibly, flowing seamlessly from one idea to another without ever losing the reader in her argument.
Particular highlights were her in depth analysis of Lana del ray’s 2012 album, Amy Winehouse’s public shaming, Sex and the City’s groundbreaking idea that female friendship is where women often find their real ‘soulmates’, and her writing ‘fuck you’ in the margins of Germaine Greer’s The Female Eunuch.
Love is a political thing, and capitalism has made love a commodity. And Faye is both entangled within the nets of these social structures, whilst also being othered by them. But I didn’t take from this book that she does not believe in love in all its forms, just that we should interrogate what it is before we put it on a pedestal, or jump in head first. In the post-script she writes:
“Love is a risky business and it hurts. I want to bear witness to that, and still try anyway[…]Sometimes the truth is that the agony has very little at all to tell me except the certainty that I have a body that still feels and a heart that still beats, and so still a future beyond.”
Using cultural touch-points, historical events, literary and feminist theory, and myth to evaluate her own issues with modern day versions of love, Faye writes accessibly, flowing seamlessly from one idea to another without ever losing the reader in her argument.
Particular highlights were her in depth analysis of Lana del ray’s 2012 album, Amy Winehouse’s public shaming, Sex and the City’s groundbreaking idea that female friendship is where women often find their real ‘soulmates’, and her writing ‘fuck you’ in the margins of Germaine Greer’s The Female Eunuch.
Love is a political thing, and capitalism has made love a commodity. And Faye is both entangled within the nets of these social structures, whilst also being othered by them. But I didn’t take from this book that she does not believe in love in all its forms, just that we should interrogate what it is before we put it on a pedestal, or jump in head first. In the post-script she writes:
“Love is a risky business and it hurts. I want to bear witness to that, and still try anyway[…]Sometimes the truth is that the agony has very little at all to tell me except the certainty that I have a body that still feels and a heart that still beats, and so still a future beyond.”
February 7, 2025
I don’t usually write reviews for books, but this book is different.
I first heard about love in exile 2 or 3 years ago, sometime after Shon Faye’s other book The transgender issue (which I think deserves another read). At that time I was in the first year of my only to date, long term relationship.
I wasn’t happy in that relationship and I constantly had this gut feeling that something isn’t right. I was vulnerable, incredibly vulnerable in a way that I could not comprehend and I kept trying to leave my ex. Desperately I tried twice to leave, but to no avail. It finally ended last May the day before my first A level exam, he had dumped me and I was left frightened, scared and alone since the plan after my A levels was to move in with him. At this point I only stayed with him because it was the only way out of my abusive family situation and I was conscious of this cold reality; as to why I stayed with. I had fallen in love with someone during the relationship and my heart was broken because I knew that if I followed my heart. There was a strong possibility that I would never leave my situation because I had an underlying anxiety that this woman I loved, only loved me for so long as I wasn’t in any way an inconvenience to her. I could say the same about my ex also.
Why does falling in love feel like you are about to die?
My point here is that since the relationship ended, I somehow managed to escape my situation. I often think it was an act of god, since when I was wailing, not at the fact I had lost the person I was with, but more the way out of my situation. A message popped up on my phone from someone I had been chatting to on and off with, but who I had never met in person and awhile after that I ended up moving in with that person and their spouse, which is a whole other story. It gave me the space to think as for a long time I was scared of being alone and I don’t feel alone anymore and for the first time in my life at 23 I am happy being single. Almost to the point at least for the moment I never want to be with someone ever again because I failed to recognise how shallow and how from the early days of my relationship my ex didn’t actually care for me. He was just scared I would leave like everyone else in his life had done, at the time I was blind to the reason why, but now I have absolutely clarity as to why people walked away from him consistently. The only reason he stayed with me so long is because it took him a long time to find a replacement and if I was still with him, I wouldn’t have been able to listen to Shon’s voice as she elegantly and poetically told her truth because I wouldn’t have been living my truth and I would have by the end of her book had to face the reality that the relationship must end. Yet instead I was blessed with time to process and with that time I had already begun to understand and relate to a number of things Shon spoke about and I will be forever grateful for her honesty and human vulnerability.
I’m also a trans man, not that it’s a huge thing here, but it is lovely to hear something so real and human by someone who knows what it’s like to live the transsexual reality of human existence when faced with your own vulnerability in the eyes of someone you love.
I first heard about love in exile 2 or 3 years ago, sometime after Shon Faye’s other book The transgender issue (which I think deserves another read). At that time I was in the first year of my only to date, long term relationship.
I wasn’t happy in that relationship and I constantly had this gut feeling that something isn’t right. I was vulnerable, incredibly vulnerable in a way that I could not comprehend and I kept trying to leave my ex. Desperately I tried twice to leave, but to no avail. It finally ended last May the day before my first A level exam, he had dumped me and I was left frightened, scared and alone since the plan after my A levels was to move in with him. At this point I only stayed with him because it was the only way out of my abusive family situation and I was conscious of this cold reality; as to why I stayed with. I had fallen in love with someone during the relationship and my heart was broken because I knew that if I followed my heart. There was a strong possibility that I would never leave my situation because I had an underlying anxiety that this woman I loved, only loved me for so long as I wasn’t in any way an inconvenience to her. I could say the same about my ex also.
Why does falling in love feel like you are about to die?
My point here is that since the relationship ended, I somehow managed to escape my situation. I often think it was an act of god, since when I was wailing, not at the fact I had lost the person I was with, but more the way out of my situation. A message popped up on my phone from someone I had been chatting to on and off with, but who I had never met in person and awhile after that I ended up moving in with that person and their spouse, which is a whole other story. It gave me the space to think as for a long time I was scared of being alone and I don’t feel alone anymore and for the first time in my life at 23 I am happy being single. Almost to the point at least for the moment I never want to be with someone ever again because I failed to recognise how shallow and how from the early days of my relationship my ex didn’t actually care for me. He was just scared I would leave like everyone else in his life had done, at the time I was blind to the reason why, but now I have absolutely clarity as to why people walked away from him consistently. The only reason he stayed with me so long is because it took him a long time to find a replacement and if I was still with him, I wouldn’t have been able to listen to Shon’s voice as she elegantly and poetically told her truth because I wouldn’t have been living my truth and I would have by the end of her book had to face the reality that the relationship must end. Yet instead I was blessed with time to process and with that time I had already begun to understand and relate to a number of things Shon spoke about and I will be forever grateful for her honesty and human vulnerability.
I’m also a trans man, not that it’s a huge thing here, but it is lovely to hear something so real and human by someone who knows what it’s like to live the transsexual reality of human existence when faced with your own vulnerability in the eyes of someone you love.
April 16, 2025
this morning, the UK supreme court ruled that the legal definition of "woman" is to refer solely to those assigned female at birth. fuck JK rowling, fuck the anti-trans lobby, and long live the fantastic shon faye x
February 9, 2025
I think this will be a very important book for a lot of people and I’m quite sad this it just wasn’t really for me. that’s not to say it’s a bad book, Faye is honest and funny and clever and her writing is beautiful as always but to me the critical lens fell slightly flat. I think this may partially be because I was anticipating less memoir and more essays about the politics of love - the memoir sections were I think the strongest ones. I think for people who have never read kinship theories/gendered critiques of love and sex etc this will be very eye opening, but maybe for those that have it is worth lowering expectations slightly about the ambitions of the book and what it is trying to achieve.
March 12, 2025
the Agape chapter flayed me alive - Shon Faye I am your disciple!
May 25, 2025
soms lees je een boek op een heel cruciaal punt in je leven — ik herinner me dat ik in 2021 dolly alderton’s “everything i know about love” las toen ik 22 was, en net uit een Hele Lange Serieuze Relatie kwam die ik instapte toen ik een tiener was die zichzelf nog niet kende. dat boek op dat moment lezen was echt Monumentaal voor wie ik toen was
datzelfde gevoel heb ik nu ook op mijn 26e nu ik deze heb uitgelezen!!! het gebeurt niet vaak dat ik een boek uitlees en zo sterk voel: “wow dit was echt het Perfecte Moment” om dit te lezen. maar dat heb ik bij “love in exile” wel héél intens. ik had dit boek klaarblijkelijk heel erg nodig op dit specifieke moment in mijn leven en denk/hoop dat ze me nog heel heel heel lang bijblijft 💘
datzelfde gevoel heb ik nu ook op mijn 26e nu ik deze heb uitgelezen!!! het gebeurt niet vaak dat ik een boek uitlees en zo sterk voel: “wow dit was echt het Perfecte Moment” om dit te lezen. maar dat heb ik bij “love in exile” wel héél intens. ik had dit boek klaarblijkelijk heel erg nodig op dit specifieke moment in mijn leven en denk/hoop dat ze me nog heel heel heel lang bijblijft 💘
February 17, 2025
“here’s every thought i ever had”
May 14, 2025
everything and more
June 29, 2025
3.5 stars
In writing of love 'in exile', Shon Faye interrogates the widespread belief amongst individuals that they are profoundly unworthy of love, especially of love as it is defined, revered and commodified in a late capitalist context. For her, it is a punitive banishment many of us impose on ourselves without realising how something so personal, so elusive, and conducive to both ecstasy and shattering serves political ends.
Each of the eight essays in this book attempts to explore and explode our collectively-held and internalised notions about love and its many forms: romantic, performative, spiritual; motherly; love as salve and suffering; love for a community and love of the self. Faye's writing here is radically honest, accessible and humanising, her sharp insights filtered through the lens of her own experiences as a millennial trans woman and a recovered addict but not circumscribed by these conditions – it is an exercise in teaching her readers, and herself, how to see and do love in better ways.
Though Faye is here oftentimes building on existing ideas and criticisms, her delivery – supple prose effused with a willingness towards vulnerability and self-reflection – makes this an important, worthy read.
In writing of love 'in exile', Shon Faye interrogates the widespread belief amongst individuals that they are profoundly unworthy of love, especially of love as it is defined, revered and commodified in a late capitalist context. For her, it is a punitive banishment many of us impose on ourselves without realising how something so personal, so elusive, and conducive to both ecstasy and shattering serves political ends.
Each of the eight essays in this book attempts to explore and explode our collectively-held and internalised notions about love and its many forms: romantic, performative, spiritual; motherly; love as salve and suffering; love for a community and love of the self. Faye's writing here is radically honest, accessible and humanising, her sharp insights filtered through the lens of her own experiences as a millennial trans woman and a recovered addict but not circumscribed by these conditions – it is an exercise in teaching her readers, and herself, how to see and do love in better ways.
Though Faye is here oftentimes building on existing ideas and criticisms, her delivery – supple prose effused with a willingness towards vulnerability and self-reflection – makes this an important, worthy read.
April 6, 2025
My favourite book of the year - yes it’s only April x
If you read one book this year, let it be this one. It’s everything.
If you read one book this year, let it be this one. It’s everything.
October 2, 2025
Gorgeous book, reasserts my conviction that the insights of trans people must be central to any contemporary politics of gender, and also that shon Faye is a gorgeous and fascinating genius, dare I say the voice of a generation. Im also totally convinced that me and her would be friends - I also like bell hooks and believe in the redemptive power of sex and the city!
This book is as autobiographical as it is political, I think how incredibly vulnerable the narrative can be absolutely strengthens the broader arguments of the book, love is deeply personal is highly political, how are we to collectivise and politicise our search for love if we can’t first explain and interrogate our own suffering with love, what does my heartbreak have to do with yours, maybe not much but maybe also a whole lot?
I will say I think occasionally she slightly loses her way narratively, in that it’s sometimes difficult to tell how all her musings, albeit all highly intelligent, are related. In particular I think the concluding chapter on love for God felt a bit disconnected, as I think she’s not quite sure what she’s trying to say with it - is spirituality a constituent part of fayes vision of a political project to reconceive of love as a collective concern and political project? If this is what she’s trying to say I don’t think it’s well defended enough. Anyway it’s all worth a read, I particularly liked the chapter about sex, ‘the pantomime’ she calls it, I will never get bored of marxist feminists worrying about sexuality. Might start reading her vogue column, how incredibly glam that she’s got a vogue column, she’s so goddamn Carrie Bradshaw!
This book is as autobiographical as it is political, I think how incredibly vulnerable the narrative can be absolutely strengthens the broader arguments of the book, love is deeply personal is highly political, how are we to collectivise and politicise our search for love if we can’t first explain and interrogate our own suffering with love, what does my heartbreak have to do with yours, maybe not much but maybe also a whole lot?
I will say I think occasionally she slightly loses her way narratively, in that it’s sometimes difficult to tell how all her musings, albeit all highly intelligent, are related. In particular I think the concluding chapter on love for God felt a bit disconnected, as I think she’s not quite sure what she’s trying to say with it - is spirituality a constituent part of fayes vision of a political project to reconceive of love as a collective concern and political project? If this is what she’s trying to say I don’t think it’s well defended enough. Anyway it’s all worth a read, I particularly liked the chapter about sex, ‘the pantomime’ she calls it, I will never get bored of marxist feminists worrying about sexuality. Might start reading her vogue column, how incredibly glam that she’s got a vogue column, she’s so goddamn Carrie Bradshaw!
July 8, 2025
It is really hard to write a book on love and I feel like Shon Faye did a great job of taking us into their world and I really enjoyed being there. I loved the part about community, being a mother and when the author finally faced themself.
I am happy I picked this one up.
I am happy I picked this one up.
July 11, 2025
Beautiful!
May 6, 2025
I loved this even more than The Transgender Issue. It was amazing to read Faye’s personal writing about herself and her emotional battles and struggle to love herself. TTI was very factual whereas Love in Exile gave us such a wonderful insight into her life and thoughts about dating as a transgender woman.
Faye is an amazing writer and this book covers addiction, faith, rejection, LGBTQ spaces and more. It has great academic references and really looks at the importance of self love and friendship as well as romantic love. Highly recommend this book if you want to read some accessible non fiction.
Faye is an amazing writer and this book covers addiction, faith, rejection, LGBTQ spaces and more. It has great academic references and really looks at the importance of self love and friendship as well as romantic love. Highly recommend this book if you want to read some accessible non fiction.
November 26, 2025
What I, personally, wanted ‘all about love’ by Bell Hooks to be.
Very good memoir! And incredibly valuable to view the topic of love through a trans lens instead of a cis one.
Very good memoir! And incredibly valuable to view the topic of love through a trans lens instead of a cis one.
March 31, 2025
I'm once again impressed with Shon Faye's well-spoken, well-researched writing, which is so insightful and feels very well thought out, but still remains accessible. I found this to be a very interesting read, as the subject feels very current and I enjoyed the way Faye combined memoir-style writing with a more general, almost academic perspective.
While every chapter was interesting, and there were great insights being shared, I did sometimes feel the narration lose structure and direction, and I sometimes couldn't see how what was being shared contributed to the larger point Faye wanted to make with this book.
My favourite chapter however was the one about self love, because it felt very honest and didn't shy away from discussing how difficult self love can be and critiquing current capitalist and consumerist ways of viewing self love. It gave me a new understanding about what self love can actually look like.
While every chapter was interesting, and there were great insights being shared, I did sometimes feel the narration lose structure and direction, and I sometimes couldn't see how what was being shared contributed to the larger point Faye wanted to make with this book.
My favourite chapter however was the one about self love, because it felt very honest and didn't shy away from discussing how difficult self love can be and critiquing current capitalist and consumerist ways of viewing self love. It gave me a new understanding about what self love can actually look like.
December 18, 2025
Shon Faye lebt in einer Gesellschaft, in der das vorherrschende, heteronormative Skript für Beziehungs- und Familienglück sie als früher queeren Teenager und jetzt Single Transfrau ausschließt. Wer cis hetero ist und jetzt denkt, dass diese Sichtweise nur weit weg von der eigenen Welt sein kann, irrt. Denn Faye schafft es, die Themen Liebe, Freundschaft, Liebeskummer, Begehren und mehr anhand ihrer persönlichen Geschichte nicht nur nachvollziehbar, sondern auch universell identifizierbar für weit mehr Menschen zu machen. Auch Fayes Stimme hat mir sehr gefallen. Sie ist eine kluge, humorvolle Erzählerin, die auch viel reflektiert und sich selbst hinterfragt.
Mehr zum Buch in unserer ausführlichen Besprechung @ Papierstau Podcast: #338: Besoffen unterm Weihnachtsbaum.
Mehr zum Buch in unserer ausführlichen Besprechung @ Papierstau Podcast: #338: Besoffen unterm Weihnachtsbaum.
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February 21, 2025Writing a proper review for the American Prospect
March 25, 2025
I was excited to read this book, as I thought The Transgender Issue: An Argument for Justice was excellent, but unfortunately it missed the mark for me. Although I found it fairly easy to read and follow, and even agreed with plenty of the content, it was so disjointed and bitty that I never felt an urge to get back to reading it, and a lot of the more factual sections dragged. Another reviewer has left the one-sentence review "here's every thought I've ever had", and that's exactly how I felt, too. The breadth of this book should be impressive, covering everything from alcohol addiction to St Therese of Lisieux to attachment theory, but in reality nothing linked together and if one topic gripped me (as some indeed did!), it was quickly over.
That aside, while I do agree with most of Faye's socialist politics and can't dispute the impact that patriarchy, imperialism, and classism have on every aspect of our lives including love, I found the relentless application of Marxist theory to something so intensely feelings-based and capricious wearing, bordering on depressing. Perhaps I am too romantic (or religious!), but one of the most important things about love in my experience is its unpredictability and potential to transcend human-imposed boundaries, and it grated to see this reduced to a set of academic fill-in-the-blanks. When I want to know what bell hooks thinks about love, I can read bell hooks. I wanted to know what Shon Faye thinks about love... but instead I learned that she's read bell hooks.
Finally, I was disappointed by how heterosexual-focused the vast majority of the book was. I understand and respect that Faye doesn't, as she explains, identify as straight, but as a woman who dates men, that's the angle that all her analysis stems from. If this was more of a memoir, I couldn't argue with this, but when she covers such a huge range of topics only nebulously related to love, I kept waiting for a couple of paragraphs at least about gay relationships. A lot of her arguments about how romantic relationships work just didn't hold up against my experiences in relationships with women.
All that said, I wouldn't warn people off reading this book and I'm worried I've been unnecessarily harsh. I think this would be a great book club read and I hope I get to discuss it with others, as I can see it's been generally well-received. I just think my perspectives are too far from Faye's for it to really come together for me.
That aside, while I do agree with most of Faye's socialist politics and can't dispute the impact that patriarchy, imperialism, and classism have on every aspect of our lives including love, I found the relentless application of Marxist theory to something so intensely feelings-based and capricious wearing, bordering on depressing. Perhaps I am too romantic (or religious!), but one of the most important things about love in my experience is its unpredictability and potential to transcend human-imposed boundaries, and it grated to see this reduced to a set of academic fill-in-the-blanks. When I want to know what bell hooks thinks about love, I can read bell hooks. I wanted to know what Shon Faye thinks about love... but instead I learned that she's read bell hooks.
Finally, I was disappointed by how heterosexual-focused the vast majority of the book was. I understand and respect that Faye doesn't, as she explains, identify as straight, but as a woman who dates men, that's the angle that all her analysis stems from. If this was more of a memoir, I couldn't argue with this, but when she covers such a huge range of topics only nebulously related to love, I kept waiting for a couple of paragraphs at least about gay relationships. A lot of her arguments about how romantic relationships work just didn't hold up against my experiences in relationships with women.
All that said, I wouldn't warn people off reading this book and I'm worried I've been unnecessarily harsh. I think this would be a great book club read and I hope I get to discuss it with others, as I can see it's been generally well-received. I just think my perspectives are too far from Faye's for it to really come together for me.
March 3, 2025
Cannot be hyperbolic enough to express how good this book is. Full of numerous insights and always funny and self-aware, Shon covers love’s various facets and undersides. We are shown how ‘making women happy was never part of the heterosexual project’, the idea that ‘love comes naturally’ is ‘a dangerous myth’, friendship is not accommodated by society in the same way romantic relationships are as it has ‘very little benefit to capital’, and so much more.
The interweaving of critique and hope, the personal and political, is done very very well. It’s also hilarious that such an affirming and insightful book includes citation to both the ‘kindle edition’ of Gone Girl and the website ‘Digital Dante’.
Recommending this to absolutely everyone, but especially women who date and love men in a society scarred by ‘two millennia of patriarchal neurosis’! Chef’s kiss!!
The interweaving of critique and hope, the personal and political, is done very very well. It’s also hilarious that such an affirming and insightful book includes citation to both the ‘kindle edition’ of Gone Girl and the website ‘Digital Dante’.
Recommending this to absolutely everyone, but especially women who date and love men in a society scarred by ‘two millennia of patriarchal neurosis’! Chef’s kiss!!
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February 24, 2025I read Love in Exile while on a Buddhist retreat all about heart practices. It felt a little zestier than my usual retreat reading material, and at the same time very appropriate. And I was so grateful for the queer company.
Shon Faye writes in such a heartfelt way. So many threads were very familiar to me from my own thoughts and from conversations with friends. For that reason this didn't feel very exciting or groundbreaking to read, yet it felt warm, honest, and relatable. While I'd have loved to have gone deeper - because I really appreciate Faye's takes on things and suspect she has a lot more to say, particularly on the nature of romantic yearning - I did really enjoy this.
Shon Faye writes in such a heartfelt way. So many threads were very familiar to me from my own thoughts and from conversations with friends. For that reason this didn't feel very exciting or groundbreaking to read, yet it felt warm, honest, and relatable. While I'd have loved to have gone deeper - because I really appreciate Faye's takes on things and suspect she has a lot more to say, particularly on the nature of romantic yearning - I did really enjoy this.
February 26, 2025
Everything Shon Faye writes goes double platinum in my house. THE voice of our generation for real!
June 16, 2025
book of the year?????? could not recommend more. tessa told me to read and now i am telling ALL OF YOU!!!
December 13, 2025
a book that examines the multiple facets of modern love (romantic, platonic, self, agape) and why it’s so difficult— through thoughtful, reflective personal stories and sharp sociocultural critique / analysis. started off incredibly strong, but fell off at the end, becoming a bit muddled and incohesive. regardless, it was beautifully and incisively written.
May 11, 2025
the cultural references in this book were god tier. 5 stars
February 22, 2025
unsurprisingly brilliant
February 21, 2025
Shon is very articulate, I appreciated the mixture of philosophical analysis and personal journey but for people that are very familiar with the practice of deconstructing the mono heteronormative idea of love and romance this book will ultimately be basic.
Even though she says she’s not , I do think she sounds very straight in the most trans-esclusionary way. Love and respect her work for the community but I found very ironic that her idea of men is very much cis.
Even though she says she’s not , I do think she sounds very straight in the most trans-esclusionary way. Love and respect her work for the community but I found very ironic that her idea of men is very much cis.
July 25, 2025
Feel like Shon is a lovely person, the most effective chapter of this was Mothers (very powerful, powerfully researched, a critical feminist and trans feminist intervention, and very fun!), some other chapters not as snappy, but good and sweet and smart overall. SHON IF YOU ARE READING THIS I KNOW 4 TBOYS IN GLASGOW THAT WOULD DROP EVERYTHING FOR YOU
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