Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy

by Ken Page

With exercises, practical tools, and inspiring stories, Deeper Dating will guide you on a journey to find the love—and personal fulfillment—you long for

Lose weight. Be confident. Keep your partner guessing. At the end of the day, this soulless approach to dating doesn't lead to love but to insecurity and desperation. In Deeper Dating, Ken Page presents a new path to love. Out of his decades of work as a psychotherapist and his own personal struggle to  find love, Page teaches that the greatest magnet for real love lies in our "Core Gifts"—the places of our deepest sensitivity, longing, and passion.

Deeper Dating guides us to discover our own Core Gifts and empowers us to express them with courage, generosity, and discrimination in our dating life. When we do this, something miraculous we begin to attract people who love us for who we are, we become more self-assured and emotionally available, and we lose our taste for relationships that chip away at our self-esteem. Without losing a pound, changing our hairstyle, or buying a single new accessory, we find healthy love moving closer . . .  Deeper Dating integrates the best of human intimacy theory with timeless spiritual truths and translates them into a practical, step-by-step process.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Love, Personal Development, Personal Growth

264 pages, Paperback

First published December 30, 2014

Reviews

[Daniel · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful way to find love by first understanding & honoring yourself

A series of events led me to this wonderful book. At the turn of this year, I finally felt the longing for a meaningful relationship. I decided to pursue that with all my intention. But of course, life takes your plans and twists them in unexpected ways.

After a recent breakup, brief but potent, I chose self reflection. Oddly enough, it was the wisdom that I learned from the man who no longer wanted a romantic relationship with me that sparked my new quest. He pointed me to a popular self help blog, Marc and Angel Hack Life.

Confused and angry, I nonetheless devoured that blog. I read the book that the authors had written. Then I was brought back to Ken Page.

My former therapist a few years ago when I was struggling with coming out and embracing my emotions, Ken came back into my life in the form of a social media post promoting his new book. I downloaded the sample & then got the book. And I was stunned.

Deeper Dating helps one understand that in order to find love, we must tap into our own source of love. We must find, appreciate, and honor our core gifts. We must connect with our source of love. Then, we can take active steps to cultivate deeper & more meaningful attractions and relationships.

I've read Deeper Dating and I have adopted the core principles into my life. The micro meditations described in the book are truly astounding, and difficult as they help you access deep parts of your core. If you seriously want to get in touch with yourself, discover your source of love, and improve all your relationships, then this book is a must read.

I am ever thankful to Ken for his work just as I am for my former love interest. Sometimes, the greatest lessons come from great pain. That pain led me within and with the help of the love & expertise of others, I have found a healthy way out of a difficult situation.

In a brief period of time, I've understood myself better than I have for most of my life. I have begun to treat myself with affection, honor, and trust. I have begun to reframe my relationships with people in the context of my core gift of affection and the need for deeper connections. And I have begun to seek love interests based on positive attractions of inspiration.

The road of life just got more interesting & more rewarding. If any of this rings true for you, I implore you to give Deeper Dating serious consideration.

[Vijay Pande · Rating 5 out of 5]

Surprisingly thoughtful, especially in its analysis of understanding when you're dating someone who's addicted to the chase vs is ready (and not scared off) to be truly close with someone who's ready to move forward as well. In particular, the exercises for identifying each type as well as how to come to peace with the fact that healthy relationships may in contrast look "boring" and one may even feel some apparent gap in attraction when in fact what's missing is the drama.

I wish I read this years ago -- I would have done a much better job of identifying these patterns in myself and the people I've been dating as well as how to move past the drama into something much more healthy and intimate.

[Stacy · Rating 1 out of 5]

I had a very hard time engaging with this book. Not in a "gee this reality is uncomfortable for me" kind of way, but in a "ok let me re-read that paragraph for the third time to figure out what he is trying to say" way. There are a few good metaphors, and I think the book is spot-on with its advise, but it's very hard to connect that dots for all the paragraphs in between. Didn't finish, too frustrating.

[Nabiela · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although the anecdotes are somewhat trite, I did enjoy this book immensely. It helped me to expand upon and, outline areas of lack and abundance in my emotional life that I'd been aware of, but unable to name.
The book is of a spiritual bent, which I was not expecting, however, I don't think that would be much of an issue for the non- spiritual.

Overall, the book is comprehensive and straightforward.

[April · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautiful, soulful book that has given me deeper perspective about myself, not only for romantic relationships, but for all my relationships. In fact, when I wasn't focused on dating, I forgot that this book was trying to help me find a partner. I just felt like it was helping me learn to live a fuller life. And that is part of the way to find a wonderful partner, for sure! The journaling exercises are helpful too, but I didn't have a learning partner and I think having one could be extremely beneficial and enhance the experience of working through this book.

"What are Core Gifts? They are simply your points of deepest sensitivity to life. You will find them in the things that inspire you most, the things that touch you most deeply--and in the things that hurt you the most. Often we think we need to conceal these vulnerable parts of ourselves, to hide them or fix them in order to make ourselves more attractive, but the absolute reverse is true: they are the bullet train to authentic intimacy. When we learn to lead with our core Gifts, our lives shift on their very axes. Our personal magnetism becomes stronger. We experience more passion and more connection to ourselves and others. Most important, we move closer to the love that may have previously eluded us, a love that empowers us and brings us joy." pg. 2

"Like a number of my clients, I felt as though there was a fatal flaw in my basic wiring Why did I keep falling for people who weren't good for me? And why did available, kind, thoughtful people make me want to run for the hills? Why did the ones I wanted most never want me back, while those who pursued me barely interested me at all? At some point along the way, this endless cycle of hope and disappointment hit me right between the eyes. I realized that I had spent years seeking love, but never working to build it." pg. 4

"Of all the harmful myths we're fed, one of the most insidious is the belief that longing for love is a weakness. I disagree. Longing for love is not weakness. It's wisdom. Numbing our loneliness is a path to a despair that plagues our entire culture. We are not meant to be alone and self-sufficient. Without lives filled with love, we wither inside. Intimacy is oxygen. We don't need to transcend our hunger for love--we need to honor it." pg. 4-5

"Core Gifts are not the same as talents or skills; in fact, until we understand them, our Core Gifts are often the very qualities we're most ashamed of, the ones we keep trying to fix or hide because they make us feel so vulnerable. Yet they are also the places from which we love most fully. There is a formula that I've seen proven true in my work and my life: to the degree that we treasure our Core Gifts (yes, treasure them; dispassionate acceptance isn't enough) we attract caring, thoughtful people who are also (miracle of miracles) attracted to us. And, equally amazing, we become more attracted to people who are good for us, and less interested in people who diminish us or leave us feeling insecure." pg. 19

"It was in therapy that I discovered my Core Gift of tenderness--and confronted how angry and ashamed that gift made me feel. I grew up in a family of Holocaust survivors. In their eyes, too much tenderness translated into weakness, and weakness led to death. So I grew up with a powerful wall of shame and anger around this central attribute of my being. And that wall stopped me from finding any lasting romantic relationship." pg. 21

"Our Core Gifts hold the key to ourselves and our relationshps. But they can scare us. It takes work to learn to handle their complexity, vulnerability, and power. As worthy as our gifts are, they are by no means hall passes to happiess They get us into trouble again and again. We become most defensive, or most naive, around them. They challenge us and the poeple we care about. They ask more of us than we want to give. And we can be devastated when we feel them betrayed or rejected." pg. 22-23

"Since the heat of our core is so hard to handle, we protect ourselves by moving further out from the center. Each step we take away from the center of the circle represents a more airbrushed version of ourselves. Each zone outward makes us feel safe, puts us at less risk of embarrassment, failure, and rejection. Yet each zone outward also moves us one step further from our soul, our authenticity, and our sense of meaning. As we get further away from our Core Gifts, we feel more and more alone and adrift. When we get too far from the warmth and humanity of our deepest self, we begin to experience a very painful sense of emptiness and despair." pg. 23

"Your Gift Zone is your springboard to intimacy and to the love you are looking for. The more you live in your Gift Zone and act on its promptings, the more love you will have in your life--and the closer you will come to your future relationship. In this zone your unique magic comes alive and begins to influence your world." pg. 25

"In that zone, perched between fear and exhilaration, we are more likely to feel the urgent importance of love. We all have a suspension bridge inside us that we can visit anytime we wish: it is the scary challenge of authenticity. If we seek deeper intimacy in our lives, each of us must face inward to the challenge of our authentic self." pg. 27

"Your Gift Zone carries magic because it springs from the source of your true self. Your song, should you be brave enough to sing it, will attract people who are searching for someone like you. As you live from your Gift Zone, you will meet people you wouldn't have met. You will create things in the world. You will inspire people. You will feel strange and scared at times, but you will be claiming new ground of personal goodness, ground that others will want to stand on--I promise you. When you live in your Gift Zone, you will shine. Many people won't notice--and they don't have to. The people who have been hungry for a person like you will feel thankful that they have finally found you." pg. 28

"In your relationships you may be most prone to becoming angry or distant when you feel wounded around your Core Gifts. When you feel inspiration, validation, and acceptance around them, you'll shine. . . They are the ache, the compelling pull, the inner reaching that we sometimes honor and sometimes try to silence. They are the music that keeps playing below the surface of our minds. To acknowledge our Core Gifts is to create deeper intimacy with our most essential self." pg. 38

"Often, our gifs are so basic to us that we may have never felt the need to single them out and name them--like a fish trying to grasp the concept of water. They are so basic to our inner life that it's hard for us to believe everyone doesn't have the same gifts. This can get us into a lot of trouble, because we expect everyone to hold the same values and sensitivities as we do, and when they don't meet the standards we set for ourselves--and don't even seem to care--we assume that it's because there's something wrong with us. Rather, it's simply a matter of realizing that our gifts are deeply unique, and that not everyone shares our sensitivities." pg. 39

"Also, the more time you spend with the things that touch you and move you, the more you will be noticed by the people who are good for you. The kind of person you're seeking is someone who is drawn to your Core Gifts, your authentic self. If you wait until you know someone loves you before you reveal these parts of yourself, it's as though you're waiting for the harvest without planting the seeds. It's the vulnerability, warmth, and humanity of your gifts that will make the right person notice and come to love you." pg. 41

"One of our greatest life tasks is actually to learn to bear joy, and to let it influence our psychology in deeper and deeper ways. In actuality, there is a great cultural discomfort with joy, and our voracious pleasure seeking is often a mask for our fear of simple joy. Joy frightens us, it makes our defenses quake--it almost invites a superstitious fear of 'the other shoe dropping.' We can bear joy for fleeting moments, but for most of us, self-appreciation all too quickly devolves into self-measurement." pg. 45

"If I had shamed him for the depth of his caring, he would have had to create armor around that gift. If I hadn't coached him in how to honor the almost unbearable burden of his gift, he would have felt ashamed of the depth of his love. Now, he could at least honor himself as he grieved, and that honoring helped him find his own path to healing." pg. 47

"Your sensitivity is an attribute of your greatest self, no matter how much pain it has caused you. Sensing what is happening in our heart, in our environment, and in the hearts of others is a profound gift." pg. 49

"Only by connecting with our Core Gifts can we ever hope to transcend our wounds and our 'unworthiness.' Because somehow, even as we get closer to our demons, each layer inward makes us feel more certain of who we are and what we are meant to do in the world. Each layer inward brings us to another level of passion. Each layer inward allows us to love more deeply, and each trains us in a new level of skill, bravery, and wisdom." pg. 56

"To understand one's deepest wounds and challenges, one needs to ask this question: 'What is the Core Gift that is trying to express itself at the heart of this struggle?' Sometimes the answer can't be reduced to a word or a phrase. And we often need the insight of others to help us decipher our Core Gifts. Creating a relationship with our Core Gifts is the task of a lifetime. Most of us must practice exposing ourselves to our Core Gifts in small doses, gradually increasing our tolerance for their power, their tenderness--and their immense challenge. Our deepest gifts can grow and mature, but they can never be domesticated. They will never fit into the small, safe, well-mannered boxes we create for them. They will continue to draw outside the lines, to get us in trouble, cajole us to the edge of authenticity, cause tears we don't understand, surprise us with their emotion-filled truths." pg. 57

"Here is a way to understand your entire intimacy journey. I call it the Gift-Wound-Defense Matrix:
- At the heart of every defense lies a wound.
- At the heart of every wound lies a gift.
- At the heart of every gift lies a portal to the Source of Self--the key to our deepest love and life-meaning." pg 63

"In my many years of practice as a psychotherapist, I have seen something very important: it is those clients who have a generosity of spirit who are capable of finding the greatest happiness. They are also most resilient in the face of trauma and disaster. If they are also wise enough to choose relationships in which their generosity is appreciated and returned, their lives become profoundly gratifying." pg. 68

"When you're getting to know someone new, if you quash your generosity you will feel somehow reduced. If you don't seize the moment and take your date's hand when you feel like it, something is lost. Saying 'I love you' and touching your partner sexually or sensually in a way that speaks from your deepest heart are both acts of generosity. And the experience of having someone respond with joy and reciprocation provides a deep sense of mastery for your gifts. 'I can live in this world,' they begin to say. 'I can be powerful. I can be generous. I am wanted. I can love.'" pg. 68

"At the risk of oversimplification (and excluding cases of active addiction and untreated psychological disorders), we feel good when important things feel right in our lives. We register that 'rightness' with feelings of peace, gratification, and stability. These are signs that our Core Gifts, those barometers of our very soul, are being honored, seen, and embraced. When things feel wrong, we feel empty, sad, hurting. These are signs that our Core Gifts are somehow not being seen or honored--by others, and quite likely by ourselves. The places where we feel most broken often don't need to be fixed. What they need is to be heard." pg. 71

"Everyone's heard the self-help platitude 'You must love yourself before you can love anyone else.' This may sound wise, but it misses a great truth: if we want to experience true intimacy, we need to be taught to love aspects of ourselves--again and again--by the people around us. As much as most of us want to control our own destiny, the humbling truth is that sometimes the only way to learn self-love is by being loved--precisely in the parts of ourselves where we feel most unsure and tender. When we are loved in such a way, we feel freedom and relief and permission to love in a deeper way. No amount of positive self-talk can replicate this experience. It is a gift of intimacy, not of willpower. When we surround ourselves with people who honor our gifts and whose gifts we also honor, our lives blossom." pg. 73

"Of all the people you know, who sees and relishes your true self? Who is not afraid of your passion or envious of your gifts? Who has the generosity of spirit to encourage you toward greater self-expression? These people are your gold. Practice leaning on them more, and giving more back to them." pg. 73

"You may think that a community of loved ones can come later; that what you really need is a partner. If you think this way, chances are good that you are sabotaging your search for love. If you seek romantic love but are not building love into your relationships with friends and family, chances are good that you won't find what you're looking for. In a talk I attended by the renowned spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson, I remember her saying, 'The more I grow, the more my friends become like lovers and my lovers become like friends.'" pg. 74

"Be with those who help your being. - Rumi" pg. 81

"Attractions of deprivation draw us in--and then down, just like an undertow. If we don't get out in time, we're almost sure to get hurt. We keep feeling we have to do something to win our partner's love, approval, or care. We spend way too much time worrying about what we've done wrong, or what we can do differently to make things right. These relationships can trigger a sense of need and longing that robs us of our balance. With some attractions of deprivation, we see the red flags early on but can't stop ourselves. With others, the deprivational aspects of the relationship don't reveal themselves right away." pg. 84

"Attractions of deprivation are also one of the trickiest ways to flee real intimacy. In these relationships our fear of intimacy is hiding in plain sight. We're desperately seeking a solid love--from someone who we know, deep down, won't give it to us. With an attraction of deprivation, in some odd way we are safe. I've found that the people most drawn to attractions of deprivation experience discomfort, fear, unworthiness, or anger when they are confronted with a kind, stable, and available partner. The more we are drawn to attractions of deprivation, the less we will feel comfortable with available and caring people. Many of us need to develop our taste for healthy, stable relationships." pg. 88

"Attractions of inspiration have a warmth and an easiness. In these relationships, our challenge is to accept and return our partner's caring, not to win that caring. Our partners might challenge us to be better, but at bottom, they love us for who we are. Attractions of inspiration are fueled by the real sense of well-being that the relationship creates in us, not by the unrelenting itch for something that's denied us. These attractions often unfold slowly. They get richer as time goes on. They may take lots of work--but such relationships allow the work of intimacy. They make us feel love, not desperation. These are the only relationships to build a life around, the only ones that deserve the gift of our most intimate self. And I promise you, they really are out there." pg. 90

"Relationships of inspirations expand us to a size we could never achieve alone. These relationships are not only the path to love; they are the path to our own greatness. Through them we can find a way past the fears and wounds that dwarf us. Popular psychology tells us that we can only love others if we love ourselves first. But the real truth is often the other way around: until we feel seen and loved in the places we're most vulnerable (usually the places of our deepest gifts), few of us will ever be able to fully love ourselves. That's the great boon of relationships of inspiration. We experience our loved one seeing into our very core--and valuing what he sees. In the wake of this experience comes a sense of bravery, an innate desire to share our gifts--not out of obligation but from a sense of joyful overflow. And that makes us into just the kind of person we are looking for--one who inspires others simply by who she is." pg. 91

"Here are some markers for identifying your attractions of inspiration:
- Are you inspired by your partner's (mostly) consistent caring and acceptance?
- Are you inspired by your partner's goodness, decency, and integrity?
- Is your love fueled by respect for the kind of person your partner is?
- Are you and your partner willing to do the hard work of healing the relationship's areas of weakness?
- Do you like who you are in the presence of your partner? Does he or she make you a better you?
- Is your partner essentially free of the qualities of attractions of deprivation listed on pages 86-87 [lying and cheating; selfish behavior; unavailability; addictive behavior; hurtful behavior; untreated or unresolved emotional or psychological disorders; blaming and manipulative behavior]?" pg. 91-92

"And if we haven't learned how to honor our longing for connection, the kind of partners we will be intensely attracted to will be people who resist commitment, push us away, or dishonor our need for closeness. It's almost as though our attractions of deprivation are the universe's way of saying, 'There's work to be done around your relationship to this gift.'" pg. 106

"When we embrace our gifts, they feed and enhance us. When we deny them, they haunt us, often through relationships that demean that exact part of ourselves." pg. 106

"Behold, a sacred voice is calling you; All over the sky a sacred voice is calling. - Black Elk" pg. 121

"As you follow your Guiding Insights your life will unfold in surprising ways and you'll spend more time living in your Gift Zone. If you act on these lessons, you will become more creative. You'll have less tolerance for relationships of deprivation and you'll become more attracted to relationships of inspiration. You'll become a better friend to yourself and your loved ones. These are not empty promises, and this is no secret formula. Our hearts are whispering to us--sometimes shouting to us--all the time. The issue isn't that we're not being called; it's that we prefer to ignore that call." pg. 125

"When our goal is to connect with our personal truth and to interact with the world from there, everything changes. We feel a sense of creativity and worth. Our fear of rejection becomes less tyrannical. Connecting with the world as we really are becomes our new passion. That is the art of deeper intimacy and it is dynamic, scary, and priceless.

"Kindness not only helps others; it leads us to meet kinder people, people who are capable of long-term healthy love. Kindness and generosity are intoxicating to others. They are the very medium of intimacy. Love is found, noticed, and cherished in tiny moments of thoughtfulness." pg. 139

[So many more important passages that I noted, but ran out of room here to include them!]

Book borrowed from Skyline College Library.

[Sam Holstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Growing up, nobody really taught me about relationships. Sure, I learned the usual anecdotes - "Love is hard work," "Don't be with someone you're not attracted to," but I also learned the cliches, like how real love is always "love at first sight" and "when you know, you just know." This haphazard advice, taken together with the standard cultural cliches about love at first sight and all the rest, produced an incoherent picture of romantic relationships in my head.

Page is the first person to give me a coherent theory about how romantic love works, why it works when it does, and why it works when it doesn't. Best of all, it's backed up by my lived experience - Page uses examples from his clinical practice all throughout the book, and I see myself in the people he's worked with. When I implement the changes he recommends, my life does get better.

Deeper Dating is not a find-love-tomorrow scheme. Page does not teach you any tips, tricks, or secrets for getting into someone's pants. What Page does is teaches you how to identify the things that are most important to you in your heart so you develop attractions for people who are compatible and available, instead of for people who are incompatible and unavailable (which is, unfortunately, the default state of most people).

[Michael Sasson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an amazing book that manages to take how shadow shows up in relationship (rx) seriously while implicitly pushing back HARD against masculine-feminine polarity teachings and explicitly against play-hard-to-get dating advice.

EXERCISES TO DO: 43, 53 58, 65, 77-8 (see also 75-6), 111-15, 118-20, 129/131, 147-8, 178, 180-1, 192, 219, 221, 222-5, 231-2, 234

4-5. Numbing our loneliness is a path to a despair that plagues our entire culture. […] We don’t need to transcend our hunger for love – we need to honor it.
18. According to the researcher Arthur Aron, “kindness is the strongest indicator for a successful long-term relationship.” <>
39 The easiest way to discover your gifts is to spend time thinking about these two questions: What hurts your heart the most? What fills your heart the most?
61 How can you protect yourself as you express your authenticity more bravely and fully in your dating life?
63 […] we must learn to outgrow our prepackaged defenses and interact skin to skin with the world. […].
• At the heart of every defense lies a wound.
• At the heart of every wound lies a gift.
• At the heart of every gift lies a portal to the Source of Self – the key to our deepest love and life-meaning. [see p 230 for a restatement of these]
69. In your search for love, bear in mind this fascinating insight: the less we have cultivated the qualities that are opposite to our gifts, the more we will be attracted to people who carry that complementary quality in a negative way. For example, a person who is generous of spirit but can’t set limits will tend to be attracted to someone who is great at taking but not good at giving back. The more we cultivate these complimentary qualities within ourselves, the more we’ll find ourselves attracted to people who appreciate our gifts, and who won’t take advantage of us.
105-7. […] the simplest and most important principle of dating that I know: find – and then follow – only your attractions of inspiration. This choice is the foundation of your future of happiness in love. […]. Within every attraction of deprivation in as unrecognized or undervalued Core Gift. […]
Fortunately, in each of these cases the reverse is also true. The more we learn to value those attributes in ourselves, the more we will find ourselves attracted to people who cherish those qualities in us and are careful not to abuse or take advantage of them.
[…] that denied part of us take form in our external life as a “projection,” a distorted and exaggerated version of the quality we try to bury. When this happens, we continually find ourselves drawn to, or stuck with, people that act our this disowned part of ourselves in an exaggerated and negative way – and they often act it out on us! In dating, this means that if we deny or dishonor a Core Gift, we are likely to choose someone who also dishonors it – and then to be intensely vulnerable to any negative they have about us. Our projections attack and dwarf us in the form of attractions of deprivation unhealthy loves, until we reclaim the deep gifts we have rejected. When that happens, we gradually lose our magnetic attraction to people who ultimately denigrate those gifts.
[…] at the heart of every attraction, no matter how unhealthy, lies a gift – a deep part of ourselves looking for expression, gratification, connection, and validation. […] At the heart of our longing for love, however misguided, lies our soul. If we can feel an attraction and sense the gift that lies below it, we are much more likely to make wise choices in relation to that attraction.
[…] remember a central tenet of Gift Theory: your deepest wounds spring from your greatest gifts. Once you identify the gifts behind your unhealthy attractions, you have the beginnings of a path toward healing. You can’t deconstruct negative behaviors if you don’t rescue the gift within them and guide it to something better.
139-40 […] we’ve lost the basic codes of kindness that create the possibility for intimacy. This has dead-ended countless potential relationships, and has led to a singles culture filled with deep loneliness. […] steer us toward pain and away from love.
[…] current dating advice tends to stress confidence and maintaining a carefully modulated distance to keep the other person guessing. Yet kindness, more than almost anything else, spawns healthy love.
183 “The very least you can do in your life is figure out what you hope for. And the most you can do is live inside that hope. Not admire it from a distance but live right in it, under its roof.” --BARBARA KINGSOLVER, Animal Dreams
217 As terribly as we’ve been trained around dating, our training around sex has been even worse! Few of us have been taught how to handle our lusty sexual exuberance and our secret sexual desires in a healthy, nondestructive way. And few of us have been taught how to use sex to share our deepest tenderness, our very soul. […]
The great majority of us come to a compromise. We don’t let ourselves go all the way with our tenderness or all the way with our lusty desires during sex with the one we love.
218. Most of us, deep down, are both wilder and more tender than we allow ourselves to reveal. […]
Most of us have the need to see our partner as pure, above the kind of sex that objectifies us and him. […] And most of us, male or female, have the need for the whore as well, where we surrender to wild, sticky, messy sex. Where we can take risks and allow ourselves to submit and be submitted to. Wild sex, mixed with love and an almost nonsexual adoration, is a kind of paradise.
228 “Can I be brave enough to treasure my most intimate self, generous enough to share it, and wise enough to choose the right people?” And with these questions, everything changes.

---------
17, 19, 38, 40, 41, 57 Core gifts
25 How do you access gift zone
26 to act
27-28 Gift Zone (same as Presence, present moment awareness or more?)
45, 51 joy & flight from tears
64 true protection
68-9 Gift’s compliments/shadow work
72 NOT need to love yourself so you can love others
75-6 create a Gift circle (like godparents council but for self)
83 three insights re attraction
85-6, 88-9 attractions of deprivation
90-2 attractions of inspiration
108-9 myth of lost love
110 pain of gifts --> right rx
134 don’t play hard to get (research says)
154 potlucks
162 Dating app profiles
169 ambivalence
202 rx between needs & neediness
208 love/attention in arranged vs free will marriages
215 following and containing attraction
233 being witnessed

[William Yip · Rating 3 out of 5]

The content was incredibly repetitive. The book could have been a blog post as the main point throughout was to be true to one's personality and to be around people who appreciate said personality though that is a good point. The author wrote sentences with missing spaces and punctuation or missing words. He contradicted himself slightly; he said being self-critical and improving oneself is bad but later talked about the ways we could improve the way we appreciate and exhibit our personality though I understood his point.

That said, there was plenty of good advice. Be intentional in the way we approach people and who we approach, make every event a potential adventure, find a learning partner for accountability and after-action reports, understand that mild attractions can grow and intensify over time as we get to know the other person better, understand that looks are only one component of a person and that physical attractiveness will decline over time, be kind and generous, give and receive fully.

[Aloha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Enlightening!

I highly recommend this book for those who are trying to find meaningful love relationships. There are lots of insights that did not occur to me and I have read quite a few self-help books. This book teaches you to be kind to yourself and others.

[Byurakn · Rating 2 out of 5]

definitely not meant for intelligent people who aready know the stuff written in the book

[Lea · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a bit woo-woo (mostly involving a lot of meditation and a weeks-long program that I don’t have the patience for) but several of the concepts were useful—distinguishing between attractions of inspiration and attractions of deprivation, reframing issues in past romantic relationships by thinking about what we bring to all our relationships (tied closely with the reminder not to neglect other kinds of love while searching for a partner), red-flagging certain extreme early attraction, and normalizing a longer-than-you-would-like search.

[Julia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautiful approach to creating true intimacy in relationships, focusing on what really matters and ultimately loving yourself enough to recognize who should and shouldn't be in your life. Definitely useful to understand all kinds of relationships, not just in dating

[Sam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have never been able to find good self-help books, and I honestly don't even know where to look. I can give you horror, crime, drama, fantasy, sci-fi, and noir recommendations until I'm blue in the face, but self-help eludes me. I've always respected, and valued the opinion of the person I stole this from (the recommendation, not a copy lol.)

This man is the Yoda, Mr. Miyagi, Gandalf, and Virgil of love. A man who obviously has had a life full of love and loss, and has come out the other side with such insight and passion for the topic, that it's truly inspiring and a wondrous thing. I have always had issues giving my gifts to their fullest. Tenderheartedness, Empathy, and Understanding. I've definitely been better at showing my real self in the last few years, but still hold back. I always stuff the feelings down because I don't want to bother or show too much... because I'm afraid people won't like that side of me or see me as weak. I know now that it isn't a weakness, but the most powerful, loving, and important part of me I can offer. I must give my all in relationships. Regardless if I get hurt. Because that is the real me. The me who loves the hardest.

The wave is quite thought provoking. I've both capsized love boats, and have also been the one clinging desperately to the dingy. It is a ponderous notion and begs the question regarding the nature of dating sites, social media, and the culture they create. It also gives insight, into how our past has shaped us, and the cycles we repeat. There are so many wonderful bits of knowledge in this book, that it's hard to share every bit that touched me. One thing not necessarily relationship related that I found endearing is, when he talked about quitting smoking. The feeling of elation when you say, no, no I don't need to light one up, is amazing. I've been cigarette free for over a month and a half, and it's going to stick this time. I came to the realization that it was never about the buzz for me. It was a way to temporarily curtail my anxiety. I not only put my health at risk, but also the ones I loved as well. Just for momentary relief, when the true answer was deep down inside me. Break the pattern, and act to change the causation. I'm very sorry and can't apologize enough. Here's a tip for those who want to quit, that admittedly sounds ridiculous. So I like cheese... almost as much as I liked cigs. So now when I get the itch, I grab an individually wrapped string cheese, walk outside, and let the same euphoria I once got from nicotine, flood over me, but with cheesy goodness instead. Smoked cheese of course lol. Mints and gum also help. It's all about breaking patterns and filling the void with positives!

This was a wonderful read/listen, and I truly took it all in. Another thing I enjoyed was, how the author never forced you to keep reading, and encouraged breaks and reflection. Those helped immensely as well. I personally didn't have a partner for the exercises, but talked over many of the parts with my therapist. They were a big help in navigating and coming to realizations, I may have never noticed by myself. I did the journal entries and they are also very key to understanding. They of course will be burned or buried with me. Never to be seen by anyone lol. I truly enjoyed this book and can't recommend it enough. Like I said, I could ramble on and on, but instead of listening to my babble.... go pick this bad boy up, and be amazed!

[Alba · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of the most powerful books I read this year. It helped me with my relationship and with myself. I would recommend it to anyone.
In my opinion, a far more practical approach to dating than ,,Attached‘‘.

[Julianne Bigler · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not just the best book on dating. One of the best books I’ve ever read.

[Hailey Masterson · Rating 1 out of 5]

Incel vibes

[Akilah · Rating 4 out of 5]

The most helpful chapters to me here were the ones on the attractions of inspiration and deprivation because they honestly helped me learn more about myself and my relationships than most other books I've read. Everything after that was your standard self-help book fare, I thought, so if you're new to self-help, the whole thing will probably be super helpful. If you're pretty familiar with the genre, it'll be the first half of the book.

Also, and I will keep saying this, so many of these books on dating assume that the people reading find it easy to date or have people lining up at their doors. While Page does acknowledge that you may want to practice these skills with friends if you're not currently dating, there is a lack of "and for those of you who don't attract people, here's something for you." I don't know. It just bugs me is all.

I know people get mad when I'm all, "A little acknowledgement for the fuggos in the back," but, you know...a little acknowledgment for the fuggos (or unapproachables if I'm being kind) is all I'm asking for here.

3.5 stars, rounding up

[Igor Katselenbogen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Appreciated some core ideas about gifts. However, the initial enthusiasm about the book fades down the road.

[Fei · Rating 5 out of 5]

7 Skills of Deeper Dating
1. Be Kind, Generous, and Thoughtful
2. If You Like Him or Her, Let It Show
3. Focus on the Quality of Your Connection
4. Practice Bravery
5. Discover the Art of Squinting
6. Share Things You're Passionate about and Ask the Same of Your Date
7. Becoming Fiercely Discriminating - About the Things That Matter Most

[Wendell Hennan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Full of good learning points and exercises and suggestions to help the reader, but not a quick and easy read. I found myself reading 20 pages and needing a break and some time to digest. A worthwhile read helping you to understand your strengths before seeking a partner.

[Jilles · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book about dating and relationships, embracing the shadow parts of you that are part of your deeper self that will help you attract the right person for instead of always falling for the guys who seem to complete you but are almost always the 'bad' ones.

[Jillian · Rating 1 out of 5]

Maybe I'm not reading this book at the right stage in my life, but I found this book extremely hard to follow. And I got really worried that I don't have ready examples of deeply inspired relationships, like I apparently should. So I wound up feeling worse, rather than better, which is not ideal.

[Elyse · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some helpful concepts but found it a little repetitive.

[Laurent · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 stars - 5 stars minus one star

If your dating life is one disappointment after another, if you consistently fail to find an inspiring supporting relationship, this book provides a map of why that is and how to have more success in that area of your life.

The book's main theme is one of core gifts: we all have our own "core gifts" which are qualities that are specific to us. Maybe we care too much, maybe we are too generous, too protective, too loyal, maybe we love too much. These qualities in which we are more sensitive than others are not defects, but rather core gifts, deep sensitivities connected to our intimate selves. Rather than shaming them, the book invites us to own these qualities as our own specific treasures.

The book's equation: the more we repress our core gifts, the more we connect with people who reject them too; the more we honor our core gifts, the more we connect with people who value them.
If your dating history is a chain of disappointing experiences one after the other, it is very likely that you are meeting people through a repressed core gift. The common factor in your dating history shines light on that repressed core gift.

For me personally, I have a history of sticking too long with people who don't reciprocate my interest. The book made me identify my longing for a deep loving connection not as a defect (neediness, codependency) but as a badge of honor.

The second big idea of the book is the difference between attractions of deprivation and attractions of inspiration. Attractions of deprivation are when we chase someone unavailable, when we get addictively attached to someone who does not honor our qualities. Attractions of deprivation are an intoxicating high, an impossible chase, a dopamine rush trying to convince someone of our worth.
Attractions of inspiration, on the other side, are attractions of mutual appreciation, they have a warm quality of being recognized and appreciated in our qualities, by someone who inspires us to greatness.

Repressed core gifts lead us to attractions of deprivation, accepted core gifts lead us to attractions of inspiration.

The book has a positive message about dating: drop the games, stop the pretense and the manipulations. Show up authentically, lead with your qualities, go for deeper connections. Then ruthlessly discriminate and only keep the select few people who honor and inspire you. (Rule of thumb: only 10% of the people you meet will fit in that category.)
This type of dating can be disconcerting because attractions of inspiration typically start with a gentle warmth, not an explosive roller-coaster of emotions.

Deeper Dating is the polar opposite of Atomic Attraction. Where Atomic Attraction preaches for stoicism, unavailability, creating mystery through absence, Deeper Dating preaches for warmer connections. I tend to favor Deeper Dating, but only insofar that it comes with the message of ruthless discrimination against the people who fail to appreciate the gifts you have to offer the world.

Why minus 1 star:

The book's citations are weak. I'm fine with a preachy book, but don't try to back it up "with science" if there is no such underlying science.
From the introduction: "David Buss conducted an extensive study of the traits people rate as most important in finding a mate, and his finding was clear. Number one is kindness and understanding." Citing Buss's study of 1985. Here's the twist: Buss's study was one of the first of his career and focused on the qualities that *married people* appreciated in their spouse. Buss has made extensive research on human mating since, and none of his subsequent research points to kindness as #1 desirable trait.

Another weak citation:
"research strongly suggests that people who are extremely attractive are no more likely to find lasting love than people who are of average attractiveness."
Source: email from Arthur Aron to the author. Aron is a professor of psychology with no published book on romance. Using a personal e-mail as reference is very much a "trust me, bro" citation.

The other reason for minus 1 star: at times the book is a bit cringe. Especially the audiobook version. The narrator has a poetic read of the book with a certain musical rhythm, a dramatic flow of speeding up mid-sentence then slowing down on a specific word. Too dramatic for me, it lost me at multiple occasions.

All in all, very worth the read. Worth reading again.

[Valluvan Thillairajah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Upon finishing this book, I find myself in a strange position—I never thought I'd be the one to glean insights from a dating book. (And never did I think I'd be writing a review on it for everyone on Goodreads to see!) Yet here I am, humbled and enlightened by its wisdom that I'm eager to share. The ideas are like seeds planted in my mind, ready to sprout and flourish as I venture back into the dating world.

The concept of Core Gifts resonated with me profoundly. I've come to understand that those traits I had often downplayed or even hidden are actually the sources of genuine connection. I can't wait to put this new perspective into practice, to embrace these gifts instead of shying away from them.

The distinctions between attractions of deprivation and attractions of inspiration have given me a new lens to evaluate my dating choices. It's like having a psychological roadmap that helps navigate away from the rocky terrains of past mistakes. I look forward to using this tool to steer towards relationships that inspire and uplift.

I've always heard the usual dating tactics: "Play hard to get," "Keep them guessing," and so on. But this book encouraged the opposite. Authenticity and meaningful connection are the name of the game. I'm eager to ditch the popular dating tactics and practice the skills of deeper dating. It's a thrilling thought that my next romantic encounter could be less of a game and more of an authentic experience.

I was particularly moved by the advice on not pushing love away and facing one's fears. I always knew my fears and insecurities played a role in my dating life, but I never had the tools to address them. Now that I do, I'm committed to being more aware and conscious in future relationships.

While I haven't yet had the chance to apply these insights, I am more than ready to do so. I have a newfound optimism about what dating can be—a pathway not just to romantic connection but also to self-discovery. This book has equipped me with the tools and perspectives I need to become not just a better dater, but a better version of myself.

Highly recommend this read to anyone. Even if you think you've got it all figured out, this book might just surprise you.

[Zachary DiLuzio · Rating 4 out of 5]

this was slow out the gate for me - I tend to view vaguely defined, coded words (i.e. "Core Gifts", in this context) with inherent suspicion, as they often flag instances where your brain is doing the work of filling in the vagueness (essentially, how fortune tellers and astrology make their hay). i prefer clearly defined terms, and it took some getting used to in this book, as there's a bunch of them (to be clear, the author does define them, but i guess i'm used to...well...more science-y, clearly defined variables).

despite that, however, once i got into the meat of the book, i found it quite insightful and interesting, in a strange way. i appreciate that this forces introspection in order to allow for successfully engaging externally. there is a lot of wisdom in here. this sort of pop psych is somewhat at odds with science, at times, as it is REALLY difficult, perhaps even impossible, to nail down the inherently unique lived experience of being a person in the dating world, and in that sense, the vagueness described above is actually helpful.

i do feel that i learned a lot from this, despite the somewhat hand-wavy nature of it, and that's ultimately what i was looking for. it could have been shorter and more straightforward, in my mind, but i think it did what it set out to do, and for that, i'm grateful. i enjoyed this and would recommend it

[Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

- To date other people, you must know yourself first: dig deep inside to realize what makes you feel happy from other people: what's your deal winners and deal breakers

- There are two forms of attractions: ones who inspire you, ones you crave for others to love you. The former forms a loving relations, whereas the latter forms a dangerous relationship. Author estimate that the vast majorities of courtship becomes the latter, thus, landing a relationship that creates true inspiration is rare, but needed for marriage long term success

- It's utterly important to be unafraid of expressing your desire, feeling and who you are in the partner: this is the most efficient way of filtering out ones who you shouldn't marry (otherwise you'll either find it out much later on, or several years after marriage): don't be afraid of unequal match. In fact, it's expected and it's more than okay. Realize it and move on, wastes as little time as possible

- Friends and families are the perfect filter for potential mate. Finding people who might be better suited as your friends get your closer to your potential mate. Lastly, the world is your Oyster: you can easily find someone in your life by just being present and look around wherever you are

[David Bocek · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best books on dating that I have ever read. It's comparable to the Tony Robbins, Neil Clark Warren, & Steve Harvey books. I am currently reading one of Harville Hendrix's books. Anyone can get a lot out of it. As a straight male I found the book well-informed. The main idea or take away that I could give you from this book is that only date people that make you happy. Life is too short to waste your time with people who make you feel alone or ruin your life or destroy your self-esteem. I have dated a lot of women & read about 30 books on dating, love & personal improvement. This book is toward the top of the list. It's definitely a must read for people struggling with bad relationships or negative dating patterns.

[Aline · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is one of those books that I would recommend to everyone.

In the beginning the book talks a lot about your "Core Gifts" and how to discover them. Those are gifts you wouldn't see as such or ones that are deeply hidden in your vulnerabilities.
Then while dating you can look for those values in other people too, to get to know people who are a better fit for you.

It has journal prompts, exercises and mini meditations in almost every chapter if you want to do them.

The biggest thing I took from it was the part of how to spot Attractions of Deprivation vs. Attractions of Inspiration. For this part alone I would recommend reading the book!

All in all it is inspiring and gives hope and motivation to go into dating with another perspective and attitude.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

The biggest themes of this book are exceptional. Understanding idea and resulting patterns of one's attractions of deprivation is life changing. That said, there are elements that are lacking in this book. Despite being gay the author relies heavily on heteronormative relationships and seems to occasionally fall into describing tropes rather than actual relationships. I also understand the purpose of using this book as a "workbook" but I didn't feel that was totally necessary. Overall, it's a fascinating book that I would recommend to people who want to get a deeper understanding of their relationship patterns.