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Nightshade Mother: A Disentangling
In this extraordinary memoir, Gwyneth Lewis, the inaugural National Poet of Wales, recounts her toxic upbringing at the hands of her controlling, coercive mother. It is a book that Gwyneth has been preparing to write all her life, in diaries that she’s kept since childhood. In these journals, she interrogates the emotionally abusive mother/daughter relationship, in great pain but determined to find a way through.
The result is a book that Gwyneth co-writes with her younger self, an unexpected and life-saving dialogue through time. Metaphors of haunting intensity help her confront what happened to her; quotations from art and literature help to guide and steady her. Nightshade Mother is a book about the power of art, language and, ultimately, about homecoming after a lifetime of exile from herself. It is a profoundly moving and beautiful work; questing, forgiving and loving in its approach.
The result is a book that Gwyneth co-writes with her younger self, an unexpected and life-saving dialogue through time. Metaphors of haunting intensity help her confront what happened to her; quotations from art and literature help to guide and steady her. Nightshade Mother is a book about the power of art, language and, ultimately, about homecoming after a lifetime of exile from herself. It is a profoundly moving and beautiful work; questing, forgiving and loving in its approach.
- GenresMemoirNonfiction
240 pages, Hardcover
Published December 12, 2024
About the author
Gwyneth Lewis
44 books31 followersGwyneth Lewis was Wales' National Poet from 2005-06, the first writer to be given the Welsh laureateship. She has published eight books of poetry in Welsh and English. Chaotic Angels (Bloodaxe Books, 2005) brings together the poems from her three English collections, Parables & Faxes, Zero Gravity and Keeping Mum. Her latest book is Sparrow Tree. Gwyneth wrote the six-foot-high words for the front of Cardiff's Wales Millennium Centre (which are located just in front of the space-time continuum, as seen on Dr Who and Torchwood.)
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
January 28, 2026
I rarely read memoirs. I heard Gwyneth speak at the Hay Festival last year and she was so interesting I was keen to read this. Excellent writing.
November 8, 2024
I gave this book 3 stars primarily because I found the subject matter very important for understanding family dynamics. Having been brought up myself in a loving family, I first encountered narcissistic, emotionally abusive behaviour at the hands of my mother in law. It was very distressing. Now after her death, the legacy of emotional abuse is being felt by my husband and his siblings who had different experiences of her at different times.
I was also interested to learn more about the Welsh speaking community at that time, particularly as my daughter’s Welsh speaking boyfriend comes from a town very close to Llandewi Brefi.
Now to the book itself: I think that the cumulative impact of micro aggressions and passive aggression is very difficult to convey in a book. So much of the harm is done by body language and tone of voice. I don’t think Gwyneth Lewis was able to convey this successfully. Even though I’ve had such experiences albeit at a step removed, there were times when even I thought Lewis was over-playing it. I’m sure she wasn’t but that’s the problem with describing such behaviours.
Another thing I wondered about, and to which I haven’t got an answer, is the extensive use of Welsh throughout the book. I understand that it is key to understanding the culture in which she grew up, effectively a minority culture in her own land at the time. I found it odd having to leaf through pages in Welsh when the book was obviously intended for an English speaking audience, the vast majority of whom don’t know any Welsh at all.
I was also interested to learn more about the Welsh speaking community at that time, particularly as my daughter’s Welsh speaking boyfriend comes from a town very close to Llandewi Brefi.
Now to the book itself: I think that the cumulative impact of micro aggressions and passive aggression is very difficult to convey in a book. So much of the harm is done by body language and tone of voice. I don’t think Gwyneth Lewis was able to convey this successfully. Even though I’ve had such experiences albeit at a step removed, there were times when even I thought Lewis was over-playing it. I’m sure she wasn’t but that’s the problem with describing such behaviours.
Another thing I wondered about, and to which I haven’t got an answer, is the extensive use of Welsh throughout the book. I understand that it is key to understanding the culture in which she grew up, effectively a minority culture in her own land at the time. I found it odd having to leaf through pages in Welsh when the book was obviously intended for an English speaking audience, the vast majority of whom don’t know any Welsh at all.
October 15, 2024
I galloped through this book (finished in 48 hrs) which is both a memoir and compendium of gobbets from literature, scientific thought and philosophy.
Gwyneth Lewis is clear from the outset that she attempts balance; her methodology includes personal letters and diaries from her childhood to early adulthood. However, she is also very clear that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a cruelty which gaslights the child (from birth) and has a horrific impact on processes of individuation. It is classless- and often takes years to identify, since the child while noticing that other parents are "easier" is taught to believe that they are at issue, not the parent (s).
I found this book, in a sea of NPD self-help manuals far superior- it offers aphorisms from literature and the latest in analysis to indicate the long haul implications. It also shows clearly how emotional abuse leaves its impact on the child's sense of self, as well as their physical body. The narcissist is obsessed with how they are perceived by the world- and this book shows very lucidly how the "appearance" of family is deemed far more important than its genuine dynamic- we are placed in the territory of "street angel and house devil". These shifts in personas are incredibly difficult for a child to understand and process- and Lewis superbly documents how small issues becomes major wars, how a child is set up often to fail by her mother, apologies do not exist. Equally confusing to the child is that cause and effect in a narcissistic household becomes absolutely deranged - and the genuinely important needs of everyone else (love, affection independence) are erased. The psychological violence disrupts important stages of individuation - the mother in this case sees Gwyneth as herself- which is downright wrong
I am grateful to Lewis for opening this door - and for at necessary points providing humour when pointing towards her mother's thinking. The reflection on being a Welsh speaker and a poet- were particularly insightful, and how the child's love of creativity and language was warped into the mother's self-aggrandisement in Eisteddfodic cultural competitions. Gwyneth Lewis was treated as a bardic machine! It is a miracle that she still retains a love of language. The moments of being sent "into Coventry" / silent treatment for days and how the family tiptoes around the mother were particularly important to reveal. I am also grateful that Lewis does not bow to the current tempo of "forgiveness" which seems to pepper a lot of recycled pseudo psych accounts on the web (often seem AI generated these days) about bullying and NPD. Many good parents grow up with family issues that they do not revisit or replay on their children. The child (as adult) might ask the parent to address their issues, as Lewis did - but to no avail. As Lewis points out succinctly near the close: " You cannot forgive people who think they have done nothing wrong"
Anybody who has been anywhere near narcissistic abuse will understand this book and punctuate their reading with raised fist punches! In a publishing world where "bravery" is cited in the reviews of most memoirs (somewhat indiscrimately)- this is a book which truly and analytically grapples with problems, without idealising the authorial voice. Diolch Gwyneth Lewis for making NPD visible and annotating that experience, and resisting any saccharine closure.
Gwyneth Lewis is clear from the outset that she attempts balance; her methodology includes personal letters and diaries from her childhood to early adulthood. However, she is also very clear that Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a cruelty which gaslights the child (from birth) and has a horrific impact on processes of individuation. It is classless- and often takes years to identify, since the child while noticing that other parents are "easier" is taught to believe that they are at issue, not the parent (s).
I found this book, in a sea of NPD self-help manuals far superior- it offers aphorisms from literature and the latest in analysis to indicate the long haul implications. It also shows clearly how emotional abuse leaves its impact on the child's sense of self, as well as their physical body. The narcissist is obsessed with how they are perceived by the world- and this book shows very lucidly how the "appearance" of family is deemed far more important than its genuine dynamic- we are placed in the territory of "street angel and house devil". These shifts in personas are incredibly difficult for a child to understand and process- and Lewis superbly documents how small issues becomes major wars, how a child is set up often to fail by her mother, apologies do not exist. Equally confusing to the child is that cause and effect in a narcissistic household becomes absolutely deranged - and the genuinely important needs of everyone else (love, affection independence) are erased. The psychological violence disrupts important stages of individuation - the mother in this case sees Gwyneth as herself- which is downright wrong
I am grateful to Lewis for opening this door - and for at necessary points providing humour when pointing towards her mother's thinking. The reflection on being a Welsh speaker and a poet- were particularly insightful, and how the child's love of creativity and language was warped into the mother's self-aggrandisement in Eisteddfodic cultural competitions. Gwyneth Lewis was treated as a bardic machine! It is a miracle that she still retains a love of language. The moments of being sent "into Coventry" / silent treatment for days and how the family tiptoes around the mother were particularly important to reveal. I am also grateful that Lewis does not bow to the current tempo of "forgiveness" which seems to pepper a lot of recycled pseudo psych accounts on the web (often seem AI generated these days) about bullying and NPD. Many good parents grow up with family issues that they do not revisit or replay on their children. The child (as adult) might ask the parent to address their issues, as Lewis did - but to no avail. As Lewis points out succinctly near the close: " You cannot forgive people who think they have done nothing wrong"
Anybody who has been anywhere near narcissistic abuse will understand this book and punctuate their reading with raised fist punches! In a publishing world where "bravery" is cited in the reviews of most memoirs (somewhat indiscrimately)- this is a book which truly and analytically grapples with problems, without idealising the authorial voice. Diolch Gwyneth Lewis for making NPD visible and annotating that experience, and resisting any saccharine closure.
March 1, 2025
My Welsh speaking, Welsh ex-husband loaned me this book and I am underwhelmed and perplexed. A prosecutor must present clear and factual evidence. Though Lewis paints a broad picture of a manipulative mother with clear bi-polar disorder (like her Mam before her?), there is no proof of maternal systemic abuse beyond a temper and critical words. Yet Lewis claims her mother took hold of her life and her very identity and writes this book to exorcise her demons and “de-forgive” her parents (the father for not rescuing her from the “evil” Mom?). Contrast this with my stoic father who first told me at age 91 (fully compos mentis) the true abuse he suffered from his Mom.
The overuse of literary references and quotes is tedious; Lewis doesn’t wear her learning lightly (guess her Mam wasn’t all wrong in pushing for academic success). The many passages in Welsh are pointless for English readers, whom, I suspect, make up the bulk of her readers. The diary entries from her younger self -coupled with her italicized psychological dialogue (“Tell me Mwnci, was I lazy and selfish?) - made me wince as she celebrated her own precociousness.
As for her parents, Lewis seems to be playing defense attorney too … or trying to be fair? Dad Gwilym (Lewis insists on calling her parents by their first names) is a weak-willed peacemaker who keeps house and ferries his daughters to all their delightful after-school activities. The fact that he smokes is turned into a psychological profile of his innermost fears. Really?
Mom Eryl is a gifted teacher, talented writer, and marvelous baker and cook who sews gorgeous clothing and costumes for her daughters (and their dolls), cares for her own mother in her old age, helps support her family, and encourages her daughter’s love of words, Welsh, books, and botany. Her crimes? Well, we can only go by the “evidence” in the book. She has a temper and sharp tongue. She edits her daughter’s work. She Tiger Moms her schoolwork. She takes over her daughter’s writing. She never tells Lewis she loves her. Abusive? Controlling, yes. Mentally ill? I believe so. It all reads like Much Ado About Nothing.
The overuse of literary references and quotes is tedious; Lewis doesn’t wear her learning lightly (guess her Mam wasn’t all wrong in pushing for academic success). The many passages in Welsh are pointless for English readers, whom, I suspect, make up the bulk of her readers. The diary entries from her younger self -coupled with her italicized psychological dialogue (“Tell me Mwnci, was I lazy and selfish?) - made me wince as she celebrated her own precociousness.
As for her parents, Lewis seems to be playing defense attorney too … or trying to be fair? Dad Gwilym (Lewis insists on calling her parents by their first names) is a weak-willed peacemaker who keeps house and ferries his daughters to all their delightful after-school activities. The fact that he smokes is turned into a psychological profile of his innermost fears. Really?
Mom Eryl is a gifted teacher, talented writer, and marvelous baker and cook who sews gorgeous clothing and costumes for her daughters (and their dolls), cares for her own mother in her old age, helps support her family, and encourages her daughter’s love of words, Welsh, books, and botany. Her crimes? Well, we can only go by the “evidence” in the book. She has a temper and sharp tongue. She edits her daughter’s work. She Tiger Moms her schoolwork. She takes over her daughter’s writing. She never tells Lewis she loves her. Abusive? Controlling, yes. Mentally ill? I believe so. It all reads like Much Ado About Nothing.
July 5, 2025
hmm. takes itself much too seriously. was def written for people who had loving homes lmao - i dont think it’s our job to make them take our trauma seriously. anyways we are not the same i went to uni and it fixed me 💖 you can just stop talking to them babes 💖
i miss wales 🏴
i miss wales 🏴
December 7, 2024
This is the third of Gwyneth Lewis's memoirs that I've read and, like the others, it's written with searing honesty and the beautiful, yet sparse, prose that one would expect from a leading poet.
Tracing the impact of emotional abuse from a mother is perhaps more difficult to convey than physical abuse. There are no purple bruises on display. Instead we get the sense of the mother, Eryl, chipping away, bit by bit, at the child's sense of self.
Take the repeated incidents of her mother taking Gwyneth's youthful poetry and polishing it, before submitting it to competitions. That's not that bad a crime, surely? It's not like she was hitting her. But poetry and writing are something deep in Gwyneth's soul; they are her way of making sense of the world, of expressing herself. By appropriating her work, Eryl instilled shame in the public reception of the thing that should have been most precious to Gwyneth.
The author uses journals, letters and photographs to help anchor her story in what actually happened. You get the sense of the day-in, day-out lowlevel sniping that sometimes erupted as all-out war. The father Gwilym is there, but he never intervenes; he always takes Eryl's part - contributing to Gwyneth's sense of abandonment which later manifests itself in chronic migraines and suicidal thoughts.
I heard once that forgiveness comes when you let go of all hope of a better past. Here, I liked that Gwyneth un-forgives her parents, that in having the courage to confront what happened and write this book, she experiences a righteous anger that makes the idea of forgiveness meaningless.
I did get a sense of Eryl's inner pain, that her behaviour was the consequence of her own emotionally abusive childhood, of being told she was not wanted. But that does not excuse Eryl's behaviour towards her own child. This is an important point: we are not pre-destined to repeat the errors of the parent. We can change things, trying to make each generation better.
Tracing the impact of emotional abuse from a mother is perhaps more difficult to convey than physical abuse. There are no purple bruises on display. Instead we get the sense of the mother, Eryl, chipping away, bit by bit, at the child's sense of self.
Take the repeated incidents of her mother taking Gwyneth's youthful poetry and polishing it, before submitting it to competitions. That's not that bad a crime, surely? It's not like she was hitting her. But poetry and writing are something deep in Gwyneth's soul; they are her way of making sense of the world, of expressing herself. By appropriating her work, Eryl instilled shame in the public reception of the thing that should have been most precious to Gwyneth.
The author uses journals, letters and photographs to help anchor her story in what actually happened. You get the sense of the day-in, day-out lowlevel sniping that sometimes erupted as all-out war. The father Gwilym is there, but he never intervenes; he always takes Eryl's part - contributing to Gwyneth's sense of abandonment which later manifests itself in chronic migraines and suicidal thoughts.
I heard once that forgiveness comes when you let go of all hope of a better past. Here, I liked that Gwyneth un-forgives her parents, that in having the courage to confront what happened and write this book, she experiences a righteous anger that makes the idea of forgiveness meaningless.
I did get a sense of Eryl's inner pain, that her behaviour was the consequence of her own emotionally abusive childhood, of being told she was not wanted. But that does not excuse Eryl's behaviour towards her own child. This is an important point: we are not pre-destined to repeat the errors of the parent. We can change things, trying to make each generation better.
September 12, 2026
Well written, I found her connection of her trauma in childhood to ill health both as a child and an adult interesting. Overall, I found What My bones Know to be a book with more helpful descriptions of emotional flashbacks and the change and support of therapies. But that wasn't the aim of this book, in this Gwyneth is exploring and disentangling herself from her emotionally abusive mother and that's something which comes across as hard for her to do but well written and explored in this book. Also, I do hope she's moved back out of her old family home! even with the extensive renovations, in the way she described it, it still sounded triggering and that she only moved back in there because it's what her husband wanted to do, she didn't want to do it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 14, 2026
Loved the concept of this. Hated how it was written. Marketed as a memoir about a writer’s relationship with her deceased abusive mother, backed up with journals. It’s actually just descriptions of random documents and memories of her family going back a generation or too. Never very interesting or captivating. Endlessly boring.
I liked the inclusion of lots of Welsh writing and the translations for them. The only good part for me a Welsh learner
I liked the inclusion of lots of Welsh writing and the translations for them. The only good part for me a Welsh learner
December 7, 2024
Riveting read, kept me up at night.
July 21, 2026
Brilliant and penetrating, reflexive and examining. I loved how the author treated the poetic art as her pharmakon - poison/cure/teacher...
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews