i still think about this book almost everyday and it's been two months since i read it. i'm so down bad fr
“You shouldn’t look at me like that, Kitten.”
“Like what?”
“Like you want me to eat you up.”
Chani is one of the best dark mm romance authors everrr. her mmcs are always completely bonkers bananas and i fucking love that for us. this one actually got my motor revving to review it when ive been too lazy to bother lately. just be warned i tend to write all the spoilers and since this is a newer book, don't proceed if you don't wanna know what ur getting into before you get into it.
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Bay Delmar is a 25 yo psychology professor at Vail and he is a freak nasty, bike-racing, blue-haired hottie stalker. he was orphaned as a child and then later adopted by an older woman when he was 10. when his grandmother idle who had a heart attack and died is discovered to be a gambling addict who signed away all her assets, Bay is left broke and alone and the only one who suspects foul play in her death. after trying to seek justice and having all doors closed in his face, he goes to sleep and wakes up emotionless. his life becomes meaningless and his only incentive to keep going is the memory of Idle, the game of life he plays at the races, and his trips to a posh sex theater where he plays out his most depraved fantasies completely solo. er–mostly solo. he's the only one the room, anyway.
Sila Varun is a character well met by now if you've read the other books in this interconnected universe. he's a psychopath to the gills, while his twin brother Rin, is a hot-headed sass pants. Bay's junior by five years, Sila initially is not impressed w the professor. after Rin suggests Bay has taken an interest in the two of them, he demands for Sila to handle it...and handle it Sila does. Sila turns the tables on Bay and shows his psychology professor what stalking really is.
after weeks of filming Bay and his masochistic pleasures in the theater, arranging races to coax Bay out under his racing name Pandeveer, leaving him roses and texts from unknown numbers, Sila finally corners his professor in the woods under the guise of being Rin. what transpires is all documented thoroughly on Chani's warning page. Sila finds creative uses with the handle of a knife and eventually foregoes decorum and just holds Bay down while he takes what he wants. with a pierced tip. and a multi slate filming them the whole time. the strength of Bay's obsession with Sila grows when the next morning, he wakes up to find himself in bed and healed by ointment with "Rin" still looking after him. it takes but a second in the daylight for Bay to know it was Sila and not Rin who accosted him and that just really gives the guy butterflies. or whatever fucked up thing you can call those. moths, maybe.
Sila is shooketh at being recognized apart from his twin and what was meant to be a lesson to warn Bay away from him and his brother, becomes a little habit Sila can quit whenever he wants to but decides he won't. for now. right. it doesn't take long for him to realize that Bay's emotional response, or lack thereof, is regulated after being put through the wringer by Sila's devilish urges. he gets hungry for the emotions of his professor and decides then that they don't belong to anyone but him.
"You’re free to express yourself. I don’t want lies or masks. These aren’t roles. I’m me. You’re you. You’re mine. It’s as simple as that.”
so, yeah, the jealousy. lush. gorg. i actually screamed when Bay had a friend come to his apartment the day after Sila brutalized him and Sila got so bent out of shape about it he bent Bay over the table to hole check him cos he was mad at the thought of Bay sleeping w someone else. it was rude and uncouth but so filthy and animalistic af. ugh. Chani!!!! is!!! my girl!!!
“I own you,” he said seductively, as though he were trying to coax Bay into admitting it. “No one gets to touch what’s mine.”
and no one is safe from Sila's possessive paranoia! not even his own twin
“Thank my brother. He’s the one who taught me the importance of taking care of things that have meaning to us. Or,” he changed his mind, “actually, don’t. Don’t speak to him if I’m not around.”
Sila eventually makes it his personal duty to help Bay in his plight for justice/revenge against the people responsible for killing and stealing from his grandmother. in exchange for his help, Bay belongs to Sila until boredom strikes and he loses interest. there's no contract but there is a collar to prove it. that obviously means copious amounts of filth bcs duh. it is not as extreme as it could be but i'm generally unbothered by most things that make a trigger warning checklist. i personally love a little noncon and dubcon so long as it ends in an HEA. i'm simple that way.
“Where am I running to?”
“Anywhere,” Sila said. “Just run far and run fast. I’ll catch you, baby.”
eventually neither Bay nor Sila can see around their obsession for one another but neither behaves in a way the other can predict or decode and it makes every revelation about their feelings soooo yum. esp Sila because he is a psychopath but it doesn't stop him from getting all stirred up in a little tizzy when he thinks about Bay too long.
it all comes to a head when Sila and Bay uncover most of the truth about what happened to granny. unfortunately, just as Bay and Sila are passing the point where Sila's promise to help is no longer keeping him tied to Bay, Sila's dad shows up and our resident psychopath goes ghost on the professor. for like, a day, but Bay has real romeo and juliet aspirations apparently cos he plays his racing game one more time and loses. planning to end it all since he lost against himself and was "abandoned" (sir be for real) by Sila, he ends up on a familiar bridge and is ready to throw himself over.
fortunately, or tragically, for him, Sila's rabid ass is on him a minute and drags him–literally, by his ankle–to his chamber of secrets. okay, he actually bought them a house. yeah. *pam beasley voice* HE BOUGHT HIM A HOUSE! (AND PROCEEDED TO BEAT HIM UP INSIDE THEIR NEW BEDROOM/EN-SUITE FOR DARING TO ATTEMPT SUICIDE)
listen. it's dark. i get it and i really wanna be sensitive to that but unfortunately the horny bitch that dominates half my personality WENT CRAAAZZZYYY for how unhinged Sila became when he thought Bay wanted to end things so he could end himself. i was eating up every fucking word, reading and rereading a half dozen times because BABY! IT IS DELISH. he even threatens his own precious twin brother in the midst of his meltdown. it was giving GROVEL energy but wasn't a grovel at all i was literally squealing. god i love him. Sila really fully truly loses the plot having no idea that he is just a confused king bcs Bay is so down bad he was gonna kill himself thinking Sila abandoned him, not abandon Sila to kill himself. unable to cope with almost losing Bay, unable to decide if he wants to kill him, unable to tell what he's feeling or what has his chest in a vice grip.. he just unleashes on Bay.
“You always give me a choice,” he added weakly.
“That’s rich coming from someone who almost took their own life less than an hour ago,” Sila drawled. “Where was my choice in that, Kitten? Hmm? If I hadn’t gotten there in time, they’d be fishing you out of the river and I—” He stopped himself. He’d be a wreck. A bigger one than he was right now. And he hated that. Hated knowing it was the truth.
Sila devolves rapidly during the sexually charged torture of his precious little Bay. it's nothing short of hilarious from here i'm ngl to you. Sila basically passes out in a fever and Bay panicks and calls Rin, only for the twin to stumble into the two of them butt ass naked with Sila barely able to open his eyes but still managing to threaten Rin's fiancé. the hospital banter and interactions are so fucking good from Rin being FED THE HELL UP to Sila waking up and immediately needing Bay in his arms. i swear he does a whole 180° from being a Devil to being a doggy boyfriend. if the dog was like, a great pyrenees or a doberman.
the real climax of the book happens but frankly it's boring to me because it's just grandma idle's loose ends getting tied up and thats fine since ultimately it gives Bay enough blackmail over Sila to match Sila's blackmail over him. it gives him the edge he needs to show his own cards and the web he was weaving for Sila the whole time. it was too easy and there was no real tell through the book but i didn't careee because game set match, psychopath. these two *chefs kiss* perfect for each other.
Bay knew exactly what Sila was, yet he never shied away. He ran when he was told, sure, cried and screamed and bled and begged. But at the end of the day, whether they wanted to admit it or not, that was all by choice. All of Bay’s actions had been done by choice. It was Sila who’d fooled himself into believing otherwise. Sila who had fallen into the other man’s trap. He’d thought he’d caught Bay? Bay had been the one catching him.
Chani has yet to disappoint and i think this is one of my fave pairings thus far. Apollo and Shade are my no. 1s forever but ugh Sila was just smth special, truly. 5 stars all the wayyy god bless