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Forgiving the Unforgivable
A clearheaded study of what life can do to us and possible ways to begin again. --Carl A. Whitaker, M.D., author of Midnight Musings of a Family Therapist and coauthor of The Family Crucible Women and men who have been deeply hurt by someone they love often experience a pain that spirals out to undermine their work, relationships, self-esteem, and even their sense of reality. In Forgiving the Unforgivable, author Beverly Flanigan, a leading authority on forgiveness, defines such unforgivable injuries, explains their poisonous effects, and then guides readers out of the paralyzing anger and resentment. As a Fellow of the Kellogg Foundation, Flanigan conducted a pioneering study of forgiveness, and from that study, from her clinical practice, and from her many years of teaching, researching, and conducting professional workshops and seminars, she devised a unique six-stage program, presented here. Filled with inspiring real-life examples, Forgiving the Unforgivable is both a practical and a comforting guide to recovery and healing.
282 pages, Hardcover
First published February 29, 1992
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Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews
May 26, 2009
Most books on forgiveness take a theological perspective and spend a great deal more time on what forgiveness is and why you should practice it than on how you do it, i.e. "You should forgive because Christ commands it." Unfortunately, however true that may be, it's not particularly useful. "Forgiving the Unforgivable" focuses on the “how” of forgiveness from a sociological, rather than a theological, perspective. The author has studied scores of people who have actually managed to forgive successfully, and they have forgiven personal injuries ranging from the murder of a loved one to abuse to adultery to the backstabbing of a close friend.
The book details the various phases involved in forgiving (naming the injury, claiming the injury, blaming the injurer, balancing the scales, choosing to forgive, and the emergence of a new self). She acknowledges that forgiveness cannot be rushed (notice that choosing to forgive is not until phase 5 of the process), which is somewhat comforting for any person struggling to forgive in a Christian context, because such people are often made to feel guilty for not arriving at forgiveness before the necessary phases to get there have been passed through.
She also shows that “balancing the scales” can be done in a variety of ways, one of which involves a period of temporary punishment (which strains against the common theological perspective that forgiveness *equals* lack of *any* punishment). This was somewhat reassuring: whereas some spiritual guides will tell a person he is unforgiving and self-righteous if he feels a need to punish his injurer, Beverley Flannigan argues that this need can be merely a *stage* in the process of forgiveness that some people need to pass through before they can let go entirely. Of course, it is getting hung up there that translates to an unforgiving nature. “Loading the scales” is another form of balancing. This involves giving more choices to oneself, since an unforgivable injury does much of its damage, in effect, by taking away one's choices. (“In unforgivable injuries, fair balance is usually destroyed when one person takes choice away from another while at the same time increasing his own…three ways: one person can deprive another of physical freedom, one can withhold information from another, or one can lie to another…Lies make it nearly impossible for you to make a reasoned choice because your options have been obscured.”) The author offers many practical suggestions of things that can be done in this “balancing the scales” phase, including making new friends, renewing old friendships, and taking classes. “Balancing the scales returns power or resources to the wounded person because it restores that person’s options and helps him to believe fairness has returned his life. If it restores anything, forgiveness restores choice.” I thought this perspective on forgiveness as a restorer of choice was an interesting and enlightening one. It is important, she argues, “to increase your own resources and choices on purpose so that it is your own accomplishments that give you a sense of personal power.”
The book is full of practical exercises to work through the naming, claiming, blaming, and balancing phases as well, including specific questions to answer, journal exercises, and letter writing exercises. In fact, there are so many exercises, that it’s a bit overwhelming, and I doubt many people will choose to do all of them, but you may find ones that are particularly helpful to you. You may also find ones that you wish to skip because they cause you to wallow in too much anger and self-pity. For some these may cathartic; for others who have begun a bit of healing, they may retard the progress.
From a practical perspective, this is the best book on forgiveness I have yet read, but the spiritual element is noticeably absent.
The book details the various phases involved in forgiving (naming the injury, claiming the injury, blaming the injurer, balancing the scales, choosing to forgive, and the emergence of a new self). She acknowledges that forgiveness cannot be rushed (notice that choosing to forgive is not until phase 5 of the process), which is somewhat comforting for any person struggling to forgive in a Christian context, because such people are often made to feel guilty for not arriving at forgiveness before the necessary phases to get there have been passed through.
She also shows that “balancing the scales” can be done in a variety of ways, one of which involves a period of temporary punishment (which strains against the common theological perspective that forgiveness *equals* lack of *any* punishment). This was somewhat reassuring: whereas some spiritual guides will tell a person he is unforgiving and self-righteous if he feels a need to punish his injurer, Beverley Flannigan argues that this need can be merely a *stage* in the process of forgiveness that some people need to pass through before they can let go entirely. Of course, it is getting hung up there that translates to an unforgiving nature. “Loading the scales” is another form of balancing. This involves giving more choices to oneself, since an unforgivable injury does much of its damage, in effect, by taking away one's choices. (“In unforgivable injuries, fair balance is usually destroyed when one person takes choice away from another while at the same time increasing his own…three ways: one person can deprive another of physical freedom, one can withhold information from another, or one can lie to another…Lies make it nearly impossible for you to make a reasoned choice because your options have been obscured.”) The author offers many practical suggestions of things that can be done in this “balancing the scales” phase, including making new friends, renewing old friendships, and taking classes. “Balancing the scales returns power or resources to the wounded person because it restores that person’s options and helps him to believe fairness has returned his life. If it restores anything, forgiveness restores choice.” I thought this perspective on forgiveness as a restorer of choice was an interesting and enlightening one. It is important, she argues, “to increase your own resources and choices on purpose so that it is your own accomplishments that give you a sense of personal power.”
The book is full of practical exercises to work through the naming, claiming, blaming, and balancing phases as well, including specific questions to answer, journal exercises, and letter writing exercises. In fact, there are so many exercises, that it’s a bit overwhelming, and I doubt many people will choose to do all of them, but you may find ones that are particularly helpful to you. You may also find ones that you wish to skip because they cause you to wallow in too much anger and self-pity. For some these may cathartic; for others who have begun a bit of healing, they may retard the progress.
From a practical perspective, this is the best book on forgiveness I have yet read, but the spiritual element is noticeably absent.
November 24, 2011
This is without question, the best book I have read on the subject of forgiveness. I have read many good books on forgiveness. However the depth and brilliance of this book, in addition to the scope of betrayals that one is capable of doing to another, or of the devastation that one may endure and come out not only okay, but whole, that the author addresses in this book, is beyond what I expected...This book is a balm. I am reading it again for the second time, and it is even better than the first read. I find that there were certain parts I just wasn't ready to read and fully " get"... I'm in a more receptive place now, this book has helped me to heal and is very empowering. I highly recommend it.
January 14, 2025
I think there are some really great tools suggested in this book; however, I had to remove a whole star from my rating due to the addition of hypothetical societies without forgiveness in the last chapter. They were tangential and completely unnecessary. Throughout the book, the study subjects' traumas provide specific examples of the author's points. I was far more interested in their stories than the author's thoughts on forgiveness in society, both real and fictional. I feel this book should have ended on a high note, but I could barely push myself to read the final pages.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 4, 2017
This book is beyond excellent. It is a tool for those who want to try and forgive but just can’t seem to get there. There is no religious BS. No platitudes about turning the other cheek or forgiving for one’s own sake.
Ms. Flanigan has taken her years of experience working with wounded people and combined it with incredible insight, wisdom and practicality. The book brings logical process and analysis to forgiveness. It guides the reader through the steps required to get to a place where forgiveness is actually possible.
The best part for me, was the intelligent approach to teasing out the muddle of feelings and issues into separate items that can be pondered, understood and then acted upon. The comparison to others is also useful. When you read about her clients and what they were recovering from, your own anger might start to seem just a little bit less insurmountable.
The whole first half of the book is preparation for forgiveness. I learned to look at my personal issue in new ways and from different angles designed to help me figure out exactly what and who needed to be forgiven.
The energy I am regaining and learning to channel into something other than rage is liberating in itself. It’s a long process but so far, very worth it. I can’t recommend this book enough.
Ms. Flanigan has taken her years of experience working with wounded people and combined it with incredible insight, wisdom and practicality. The book brings logical process and analysis to forgiveness. It guides the reader through the steps required to get to a place where forgiveness is actually possible.
The best part for me, was the intelligent approach to teasing out the muddle of feelings and issues into separate items that can be pondered, understood and then acted upon. The comparison to others is also useful. When you read about her clients and what they were recovering from, your own anger might start to seem just a little bit less insurmountable.
The whole first half of the book is preparation for forgiveness. I learned to look at my personal issue in new ways and from different angles designed to help me figure out exactly what and who needed to be forgiven.
The energy I am regaining and learning to channel into something other than rage is liberating in itself. It’s a long process but so far, very worth it. I can’t recommend this book enough.
May 25, 2010
This book is brilliantly written. It moves intelligently through the actual forgiveness process, as opposed to the "denial" forgiveness process. Her process leads the reader to where forgiveness is a rational choice rather than an emotional obligation. The author also does a great job at defining what "unforgivable" means and why it is unforgivable. It has already clarified my understanding of some events in my life in a valuable way.
The second part of the book includes exercises to help the reader through each of the stages. The exercises are very helpful, as they get your brain moving about what would work for you.
If you have been unforgivably injured, this book can help you to move on. It has helped me to do so.
The second part of the book includes exercises to help the reader through each of the stages. The exercises are very helpful, as they get your brain moving about what would work for you.
If you have been unforgivably injured, this book can help you to move on. It has helped me to do so.
July 6, 2010
I am usually skeptical about the psychological reasonings offered in self-help books. This one was a welcomed exception. The author has done her homework and offers very wise, practical advice that even seems to make room for the reader's religious worldview on the topic of forgiveness. It was even handed and level-headed. I found that it challenged me to recognize that there is some damage that will never be undone and it offered tools to get past it.
My only complaint about the book is that there seemed to be mostly villanous male examples and victimized females. (Maybe one exception in the whole book.) Other than a clear gender-bias, the points were well established. I do recommend this book.
My only complaint about the book is that there seemed to be mostly villanous male examples and victimized females. (Maybe one exception in the whole book.) Other than a clear gender-bias, the points were well established. I do recommend this book.
Read
April 12, 2018Reading this book is actually quite a profound spiritual experience, even though it is more from the psychology world rather than the religious world. It is actually in some ways more about "forgiving" than it is about "recovering" from being being deeply wounded by a loved one. It is very insightful and nails what is feels like. The first half of the book or so can read like a biography for anyone who has experienced this kind of hardship in life. After the first half to two thirds, it starts to lose some poignancy though and focused more on exercizes to help achieve the ideas presented in the earlier part of the book.
This book was published during the heyday of the "self-help" book before they became heavily stigmatized. A book like this is still very poignant however and should not be overlooked.
This book was published during the heyday of the "self-help" book before they became heavily stigmatized. A book like this is still very poignant however and should not be overlooked.
November 2, 2024
After certain things happened in my life, I was always told to forgive. No instruction, no advice, nothing except “just forgive”. I bought this book on the suggestion of a therapist. I highly recommend it for anyone struggling with the hurt that comes with betrayal trauma. I still have a long way to go, but this book provided a great amount of direction.
October 28, 2011
I struggled with the book from the title onward. The first few chapters show many people who have had atrocities done to them, but then forgive the perpetrators. This is fine and inspiring, but then continuing to repeat that this is "forgiving the unforgivable" doesn't rectify the logic problem in that wording. If something is unforgivable, then by definition it can't be forgiven.
Now, if the author instead used wording like "forgiving the scenarios-that-society-as-a-whole-usually-perceives-as-unforgivable", then I would not have stumbled so often on the contradiction in wording. But nope, no such elaboration or disclaimer. Time and time again we are shown someone forgiving a situation that cannot be forgiven.
Any book that purports to be educate someone, even in the soft sciences, should attempt at least a bit more clarity in their wording if they want to get the concepts across clearly and unambiguously. I'm sure I sound like a nit-picker, but at the core, I need books to use language consistently and logically, and I gave up reading this one because it was failing to do so. I have other books on forgiveness that manage to convey the concepts in an understandable way.
Now, if the author instead used wording like "forgiving the scenarios-that-society-as-a-whole-usually-perceives-as-unforgivable", then I would not have stumbled so often on the contradiction in wording. But nope, no such elaboration or disclaimer. Time and time again we are shown someone forgiving a situation that cannot be forgiven.
Any book that purports to be educate someone, even in the soft sciences, should attempt at least a bit more clarity in their wording if they want to get the concepts across clearly and unambiguously. I'm sure I sound like a nit-picker, but at the core, I need books to use language consistently and logically, and I gave up reading this one because it was failing to do so. I have other books on forgiveness that manage to convey the concepts in an understandable way.
October 28, 2007
now this might sound lame, but i don't care. this is by far the best self-help book i've ever used. it has helped me a whole bunch, and it continues to do so. it has helped several of my friends. i was lucky enough to stumble upon it; i'm passing my luck on to those of you who find yourselves in a conundrum. And let's be frank: who here hasn't found themselves in a conundrum?
includes: the real reason to attempt to forgive (it sure ain't about THEM); how to cultivate an attitude of humility and kindness without being a pushover; writing exercises; peace-in-a-book.
the author is a psychologist and prof at UW Madison; I was tempted to go there for my doctorate just so I could breathe her air. And intern under her. And see if she's mastered the most difficult of the human/e arts: real, honest forgiveness.
includes: the real reason to attempt to forgive (it sure ain't about THEM); how to cultivate an attitude of humility and kindness without being a pushover; writing exercises; peace-in-a-book.
the author is a psychologist and prof at UW Madison; I was tempted to go there for my doctorate just so I could breathe her air. And intern under her. And see if she's mastered the most difficult of the human/e arts: real, honest forgiveness.
June 24, 2016
This was so helpful. I'm one to bury anger and resentment deep down, thinking that I'm over an issue, only for it to come to the surface with a memory or other trigger. I realized that I had not forgiven or moved on, and I really didn't know HOW to forgive. We are told that we should forgive, but we are never given the steps to get there. This book gives you the steps and walks you through the healing process leading to forgiveness. The transactional model of forgiveness in the introduction showed that I was stuck on one step, still only halfway towards forgiveness. Given the outline of the "Journey" in part 2 and the tools in part 3, I have finally reached a place of peace and am able to fully forgive an "unforgivable injury."
May 13, 2009
This book is written by a social worker. It is about the first extensive study on forgiveness, done in the 1980s. She visited with people who had been abused by their parents, had spouses who left them for others while they were struggling with cancer, just all sorts of horrible things. It reminded me how charmed my life is. It also explained the process of forgiveness and relationship patterns that emerge that cause one party to harm another. I would highly recommend it.
February 22, 2010
Actually, I couldn't even finish it. This book is for someone overcoming a divorce but it isn't insightful regarding anything else. I often find psychological perspectives on topics such as these that overlook religion end up lacking. Plus, there are too many rules that psychology pushes onto people that I don't agree with.
June 19, 2009
I will sing a song of praise for this book for the rest of my life.
September 7, 2016
It's a difficult read when your heart is hurting but it's totally worth it in the end.
Displaying 1 - 15 of 15 reviews