I Didn't Work This Hard Just to Get Married: Successful Single Black Women Speak Out

by Nika C. Beamon

Through lively and revealing interviews with women from various walks of life, this account speaks directly to the single black woman's experience, addressing unique challenges such as income discrepancies between genders, the high rate of male incarceration, and the Baby Mama Syndrome. Women discuss the false expectations they face from men, from families, and from friends as well as reevaluate dating, single home ownership, career choices, having childrenor notand caring for aged parents. Their conclusion: singlehood, whether temporary or permanent, and sometimes challenging, is a fulfilling state.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction

208 pages, Kindle Edition

First published May 1, 2009

About the author

Nika C. Beamon is an African-American woman currently residing in New Jersey.

In her fifteen years as a journalist, she has worked at various television stations including WABU-TV in Boston, ESPN Classic and WABC-TV in New York. She also served as Coordinating Producer for Like It Is with Gil Noble, the countrys longest running African American public affairs show, airing on WABC-TV.
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Reviews

[Phobean · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am flummoxed about how to review, or even think about, this book. Part research paper, part self-help, part cheerleader (rahrah!) for the strong-black-woman archetype, part Christian/old values commentary, part glimpse into the oft ignored world of successful black women, this book is all over the place.

"I didn't get married" is not the book I though I'd find when I discovered it in the library and chuckled at the title. Many times I found it painful to read (stiff writing, gross generalizations, sex/gender stereotyping, etc.). The author repeats certain points nearly ad nauseam (don't feel bad if you're single! Some women view their single status as part of God's plan. Stay your course and, if love finds you, be grateful, if not, enjoy life's other offerings!). Also, she never interviews lesbian women, (doesn't even mention homosexuality until page 60 or so), speaks of online dating and "cohabitating" with thinly veiled disdain, and talks about interracial dating as a sort of last resort.

Yet, for all of this, I appreciated learning about the women she interviewed and, though I myself am not single, enjoyed the rahrah-you-go-sistah encouragements. Her observations about power struggles between black men and women are accurate. The author did research for the book, and attempted to maintain a level of objectivity. Overall, I give her kudos for tackling the subject, even if through a narrowed lens.

[Melody · Rating 1 out of 5]

One of the women interviewed in this book about her life as an older single woman was quoted as saying, "I don't need a man." Almost every woman interviewed for this book fit the "strong, black woman who don't need no man" stereotype and it made me sad. There are a lot of stereotypes about Black women and men in this book that made me sad. I thought this was going to be a more race-specific version of It's Not You 27 Wrong Reasons You're Single, which I loved. Race was not a factor in that book (although the author acknowledged that she does have white privilege and that would be a blind spot in the book), so I was left craving a little more of the minority POV.

Unfortunately this book followed what I felt was a formula. Get a 30+ single black woman who has made a bunch of money or reached the top of her career to talk about why a relationship doesn't define her. That's essentially it. There was a lot of justifying and explaining. A lot of talk about how awesome their lives were and how their future husband would need to just fall in line. "I'm not changing anything in my life for a man" was in EVERY chapter. It was repetitive and predictable after a while. Which leads to the #1 reason why I didn't enjoy this book.

Going to run the risk of sounding like a bitch here, but it's obvious after hearing them talk about themselves and their situations why they're single. A lot of the women interviewed have unrealistic expectations about relationships, marriage, and starting a family. One woman said she didn't want to live with her future husband, another rejected the idea of marriage because she doesn't want to be a housewife (why no one has told her that marriage doesn't mean you MUST stay home all the time, idk), and another woman who expects her future husband to just be cool with her owning multiple houses and doesn't even consider that her future husband might have a life or a home of his own. Their demands for a future mate never mentioned meeting someone halfway or compromising a little which made them all sound ridiculous to me.

Their broad generalizations and stereotypes about men and marriage were just plain sad. I felt sorry for these women to have all that fame, success and money and be so out of touch with how to maintain an adult relationship.

The author throws paragraph after paragraph of statistics at the reader, however it doesn't even seem necessary. Or like these social problems or a "princess complex" are the real culprit. The women themselves in some chapters admit it's not the social issues - but rather "I've had all the sex I wanted to have, now I'm ready to settle down." OR "I haven't met the right guy yet." Some women have been engaged, some divorced, one lady even admitted she didn't put in effort to be in a relationship prior to her 30s.

Yes, there are social problems, but single Black women cannot blame everything on social problems. When you know you've turned down engagements, when you greatly prefer being single to coupled and when you've never been in a serious relationship, you can't really offer a bunch of insight into this topic in my opinion. Some Black ladies purposely refraining from dating men does not a crisis make. You can't claim that singlehood is your destiny or whatever when in reality, you're simply inept at dating and relationships.

[Karah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A collection of vignettes from single black women. I am delighted and grateful that I read this. It reaffirmed the opinions I have held. Singleness is not loneliness, desperation, and bitchiness. If I could give this book to more black women, there would be a shift in perspective. But many women refuse to believe they have an extraordinary life already. I can only progress within myself and then that behavior extends to others.

[Nikki Bramwell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Straight forward, assuring, and researched

I thought the title was compelling and clever and I recommended it to my book club for March's reading. I liked hearing all the stories of different black women navigating career and relationship and figuring out the opportunity cost of marriage vs success. As you turn the pages, it becomes clear that the frustrations of being single and the dynamics at play are all too common. Said differently, no one is alone and unique in why they're not married. But what I valued is the collective wisdom of hearing black women achieve personal successes and milestones. And it helped to see that Nikea provided clear stats and research around relationship trends.

Small things I didn't like. The book wanes in excitement as you read the interviews of women saying the same thing. Not the author's fault but perhaps the approach could've been different so that the experience of reading it didn't become tiresome. There were a couple of moments while reading that showed some women really wanted marriage with their career (which I assumed was in contrast to the title). But, naturally, as I thought about it, this is an authentic telling of being single and figuring out the age old life and love dilemma.

[Lady · Rating 3 out of 5]

They got me with the title, because I was definitely expecting more than what I read. This is a compilation of stories from single women who happen to be in high-profile positions, and most, if not all of them, embrace the single life. Thankfully, it was a short read. Otherwise, I would have pushed it to the side after the first entry.

[April Corbett (Dorris) · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book falls short in so many ways. It's a good premise and a notion that needs to be talked about, but not all of the women fit the title of the book. As you are reading, you start to hear voices of women that are only single because Mr. Right has not come along, not because it is the best choice or option for them at the time. Some of them are still waiting. And then the author starts giving all these statistics about the demise of the black family and why we feel we can't rely on black men. It goes back to the notion that if black men were better, we would all be married. It muddied the water too much. And then the author denigrates the church over the scripture about love, stating that this scripture is all about love in marriage (which it is not), but then she applauds the Rent song about love and says that that is what we all should be striving for...love in all forms. That's the same thing the Bible verse was saying, but since it's a product of the church, it is not what she is looking for.

To top it all off, this book is full of grammatical errors that drove me up the wall. This was not just some book that was written from the conversations with the women next door. There were some affluent women interviewed for this content. With that, I would have expected a more polished product.

[African Americans on the Move Book Club · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very refreshing to read because these women were all real. I loved how Nika C. Beamon put the ladies stories into life. I felt as if I knew them and as they told their stories I understood more and more why most women are single. The fact those women out number men and then most men are less educated or in jail, or have some type of issue lowers the dating pool. But in all most women did state that they would rather be happy then miserable and in a relationship. I loved this book because it spoke truth. Most women are not single because they cant find a date its because they choose to be that way. Read this book and you will understand why some choose to just not get married,

Tamika Newhouse
AAMBC Book Reviews

[Beverlee · Rating 2 out of 5]

I chose this book solely because of the title. It's an interesting premise that is often looked at mainly through the angry black woman lens. The women interviewed didn't seem angry, more idealistic if anything. Personally, I think it would be more interesting to ask "regular" black women to share their stories for a more realistic outlook. I recognize the book's focus was on successful (by society's standards) women, but it was a lot of repetition. The women are single by choice. I don't think that's a bad thing. People will be criticized regardless of choosing marriage, settling for less than their ideal, or choosing to be single. I think the book would've been better if the focus was on black women in general, not a specific social class.

[Joshunda Sanders · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book, especially since it has some similarities to the one I'm working on. Flaws: Code-switching without warning. Sistah, spelled with an 'h' (my own personal pet peeve.) Successful, single black women, with good points, who are quoted in grammatically shady prose.
Good points: Black women don't care about stats. Many of them want to be married, but they won't put their lives on hold to settle for a lame husband. Guess who the poster child is for that? Oprah! Who else? Tyra Banks. Fantastic. Made me think about signing up for J-Date. But she tried. That's worth a couple of stars. But just 2 .

[Victoria]

I'll admit, I picked this book up based mostly on the title. It's got some interesting facts, but wasn't really the book I was expecting - maybe this was my misreading, but the cover blurb led me to believe that it would be an anthology of short memoirs/autobiographical articles by various authors. In fact, it's a long series of chapters reiterating the same research and facts ad nauseum, interspersed with bits of interviews with various women. Great concept, failed execution.

[AngiJo · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to love this book. The author did highlight some interestesting statistics based in research. However, I found many of the stories/profiles repetitive. Perhaps I knew too much about this topic already to learn anything new.