Not Actually

by Madeline Nixon

Zoey Gillies has officially hit rock bottom. In just under a week, she left her emotionally abusive boyfriend, moved in with her brother and his wife, and lost her job. She's grown accustomed to the twenty-eight years of bad luck the universe has dealt her, but she's never had to rebuild her entire life before. Armed only with a duffle bag of her things and her broken down car, rebuilding is . . . challenging.

After stumbling home on the worst day of her life, Zoey crash lands straight into Kieran McCarthy. Kieran has been best friends with Zoey's brother since third grade. Zoey's had a crush on Kieran since high school. Now, Zoey's life is a mess and Kieran is a highly respected drama professor. She's never felt more inadequate, but somehow, Kieran sees her and manages to reignite her spark. As he helps her pick up the pieces, the lines they've never crossed start to blur. Years of missed chances and tiptoeing to keep Zoey's brother off their backs collapse as it becomes clear that sometimes you have to fall apart, to fall together.

Genres: Romance, Forced Proximity

355 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 7, 2024

About the author

Madeline Nixon has been a dog walker, a nanny, a baker, a shoe saleswoman, a chocolatier, and an editor, but the title she’s most fond of is author. She’s published two nonfiction short story collection about her paranormal experiences, Feathers and Robins, several educational children’s books series, and the Like A Love Song romance series. Her most recent romance is a magical Christmas novella, Last Christmas I Love-Spelled Us Apart. When she’s not writing, you can find her hunting ghosts, planning elaborate theme parties, and baking new recipes. She lives in a suburb outside of Toronto.

Find her on Instagram, Threads, TikTok @markedwithanm!

Reviews

[Madeline Nixon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hi! I wrote this book and I’ve read it many many times this year. It’s a piece of my heart with the swooniest man I’ve written so far and I hope you enjoy it💕

A little warning for anyone reading: my book deals with the aftermath of an emotionally abusive relationship (not the main couple) and a narcissistic mother. It also involves living with anxiety and has a pregnant side character. Take care of yourself.

[Rachael Chalcraft · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been (im)patiently waiting for this book for 344 days. Basically since the moment I finished book 1, and this was the perfect companion for Emergency Lullabies! This can absolutely be read as a standalone, but I do highly recommend reading the first one as well because its also fantastic.

Zoey and Kieran were amazing, both as separate characters and also together. Kieran is the perfect book boyfriend. He actually sees her for who she is, and has loved her through her mess. Their banter honestly gave me life and their chemistry was magical. “I’ll spend the rest of our time together on this earth making sure that you’re a goddamn firework, Zoey. I swear.” Swoon. 

I actually grew up in the GTA, so the references to places I went a lot as a teenager brought me into the story in a much deeper way. There was a lot of really fantastic representation in this book that was super well done and very relatable (mental health, narcissistic parent, abusive relationship, unsupportive family). This book made me audibly gasp and laugh out loud multiple times. In public. Which smoothly balanced out the heavier topics.

This book is for you if you enjoy an “it’s always been you", brothers best friend, fade to black romance.

I was chosen as an ARC reader for this book via BookFunnel and am voluntarily leaving a review. And not just because I was mentioned in the acknowledgements <3

Thanks for choosing me as an ARC reader Maddie, and for spelling my name right ;)

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️

Not Actually is an emotionally compelling and beautifully written novel that explores the journey of Zoey Gillies as she navigates life after leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. The author, Madeline Nixon, does an excellent job of illustrating the impact of verbal abuse, shedding light on the subtle yet deeply damaging nature of such relationships. Zoey’s story is raw, real, and relatable, making her a protagonist that readers can't help but root for.

From the very first chapter, Zoey’s struggles are palpable. The story begins with Zoey at her lowest point as she’s leaving her toxic boyfriend forcing her to start over from scratch. Her journey is messy and filled with moments of doubt and insecurity, but it's also filled by small triumphs and the rekindling of her sense of self-worth.

The heart of the novel lies in Zoey’s relationship with Kieran McCarthy, her brother’s best friend and long-time crush. Their dynamic is filled with tension, chemistry, and years of unspoken feelings. The slow burn of their romance is perfectly paced, and Kieran’s patience, understanding, and gentle encouragement provide a stark contrast to the emotional manipulation Zoey has endured. He becomes a catalyst for her healing, yet the author makes it clear that Zoey’s growth is her own achievement—Kieran is simply there to support her as she rebuilds herself.

In addition to its heartfelt romance, the novel also touches on themes of self-discovery, resilience, and the power of letting go of toxic relationships. The supporting characters, particularly Zoey’s brother and his wife, add depth to the story, providing moments of levity and warmth that balance the heavier themes.

Overall, Not Actually is a poignant, hopeful, and satisfying read that leaves a lasting impression. Nixon has crafted a story that is as much about healing and self-love as it is about romantic love. It's a must-read for anyone who enjoys contemporary romance with depth and emotional resonance.

Thank you to the author for an advanced copy in exchange for my honest opinion.

[Jennifer V. · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was cute the buildup was good, but the ending was really rushed.

The FMC stressed me out with all of her uncertainties and I feel like there were some characters that were introduced e randomly and not expanded on greatly.

[Abbie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not Actually was an incredible brother’s best friend and an amazing slow burn!
Loved everything especially the characters and all the iconic pop culture references which I’m always a sucker for! Haha

I also loved the representation of a character with anxiety as someone who struggles badly with it I always love seeing characters I can relate to on a personal level I feel like it’s so important.

This book also had me giggling at so many stages.

Thanks so much to Madeline for letting me be apart of your arc team for this it was so special!

[Kayla · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tropes: Brother’s Best Friend, Mutual Pining, Childhood Friends-to-Lovers, Mental Health Representation, Supportive Friends, Romantic Comedy, One Bed, Slow Burn - (Modern world: Penelope Featherington & Colin Bridgerton)

Spice: Solid 3, not a lot but what is in there is FIRE!

Fav Line: “I tried to give up on the idea of us, I did love Audrey, just in a much different way. But it was always you. I have always waited for you.”

Summary: After dealing with a messy break-up with her gaslighting ex, getting fired from her job as a nanny, and moving in with her brother, Victor, and his wife, Vanessa and because of her previous employers she cannot find a job. When her brother’s HOT best friend offers her a place to stay after her brother suggests she move in with him, the catch? He only has ONE BED. He offers to take the couch, such a gentleman, but they are both adults, right?! Will their unresolved feelings start to manifest, or will they both keep fighting their feelings for one another?

Trigger Warnings: Manipulative Partner, Gaslighting, Fighting/Physical Violence (mentioned in one chapter), Emotional Abuse (by family member & partner)

Thoughts: Thank you so much Madeline Nixon for choosing me to be an ARC reader for this book! I really, really liked and enjoyed reading this book! Zoey and Kieran are so perfect for each other it’s crazy, lol. The pop culture references were *chef’s kiss* I loved seeing all of them. This book was just what I needed to take my mind off the week’s current events, it made me laugh so many times and feel seen as I am a very anxious person and sometimes you don’t see mental health representation in the books you read, and this was refreshing to see in this book.

[Courtney sharpe · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not only do I love Madeline as an author but she is one of my favourite people that I have met during my time as a reader. Not only is she a kind soul but she is a TALENTED writer and once again has created a beautiful but realistic love story.

Zoey Gillies has officially hit rock bottom.
In just under a week, she left her emotionally abusive boyfriend, moved in with her brother and his wife, and lost her job. She's grown accustomed to the twenty-eight years of bad luck the universe has dealt her, but she's never had to rebuild her entire life before. Armed only with a duffle bag of her things and her broken down car, rebuilding is . . . challenging.
After stumbling home on the worst day of her life, Zoey crash lands straight into Kieran McCarthy. Kieran has been best friends with Zoey's brother since third grade. Zoey's had a crush on Kieran since high school. Now, Zoey's life is a mess and Kieran is a highly respected drama professor. She's never felt more inadequate, but somehow, Kieran sees her and manages to reignite her spark. As he helps her pick up the pieces, the lines they've never crossed start to blur. Years of missed chances and tiptoeing to keep Zoey's brother off their backs collapse as it becomes clear that sometimes you have to fall apart, to fall together.

This one is more character driven than I usually prefer but there’s just something about this author’s writing style that has me highly entertained from page one. The banter is spot on and I think everyone will relate to Zoe in one way or another. She even threw some volleyball in for my sport loving heart. While this is a stand alone it was cool to see cameos from her characters of Emergency Lullabies.

Overall this book is a fun and easy read that I highly recommend; however I will say I liked book one a smiddddgeeee more.

[S Myers · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 for me!

I really thought that this was a well-told story. Zoey, our leading lady, has gone through a lot, and I appreciated her growth as she overcame her trauma. I won't give too many spoilers in regards to what she's gone through, but let's just say that poor Zoey has experienced what can only be described as a series of very unfortunate events throughout the earlier portions of this book, ranging from a lost job to confrontations with a former relationship. I thought that Nixon handled the inclusion of mental and emotional abuse--and the effects that they can have on a lasting basis-- with excellent sensitivity and without diving too deeply into the on-page experience of the abuse itself. There's line where Zoey begins questioning her memory of conversations she's had with Kieran and second-guessing what she remembers about their dynamic that was especially strong in that regard.

Quips of humor and witty one-liners kept that aspect of the subject matter from feeling too heavy as Zoey navigated the things that were thrown at her time and time again. I also felt that the portrayal of female friendships in this book were quite well done.

Not Actually was a great way to dip my toes back into contemporary romance after some time away. Would recommend. As a glasses wearer, I am also very jealous of Kieran's collection.

[Steph Reader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not Actually is the second book I have read by Madeline Nixon. It is a brother's best friend romance that spans the October to December holiday season. I read Emergency Lullabies, the first book in the Like A Love Song series, before reading this book, but Not Actually can be read as a standalone.

🩵 Flawed characters
🩷 Self-improvement, rebuilding yourself and being true to who you are
🩵 Anxiety and mental health rep
🩷 Friendship
🩵 The fact that chapter 32 was a 32nd birthday celebration
🩷 The title (and its reference to the book)

I enjoyed reading this story of Zoey and Kieran. I loved how Kieran was always there for Zoey and supported her to be herself and to do what made her happy. I also loved how their story was a decade or more in the making.

I appreciated that the characters in this book had real life problems. The characters being in their late 20s and early 30s made these problems even more realistic, especially with Zoey having hit rock-bottom.

There was a lot of family drama, and I applaud Zoey and Kieran for choosing themselves. This is a big step to take, and I hope it helps other readers take this step too.

[vicreads24 · Rating 4 out of 5]

*3.5 stars*

This was a fun and cute brother’s best friend romance. I really appreciated the anxiety representation. I enjoyed Zoey’s character and related to her. I love that the author wasn’t afraid to show Zoey making real, human mistakes or having difficult life experiences. The author also did a great job of writing about toxic parent relationships with care. I enjoyed Kieran’s character as well, and how much he was there for Zoey. I did struggle at times to fully get behind the romance though, mainly due to the pacing of it. It just felt a bit too rushed for my preferences. Their relationship was still very cute and enjoyable, I just would have appreciated more build up. I did appreciate the way the characters grew throughout the story as individuals. I also loved the side characters, especially Vanessa and Isabella. I appreciated how female friendship was represented through their characters. There were also some fun references to Rocky Horror and Love, Actually that added a great element to the story. Overall, I think this is a good book, especially if you struggle with anxiety or parent relationships, and it is definitely a really fun time.

[Tracy Woodworth · Rating 4 out of 5]

🎭Coming soon, November 7🎭

OMG the number of times this book made me smile, gasp, and giggle!! Madeline Nixon has this way of making my heart race in completely ordinary situations. I was so tense and so excited in the best possible way during the theater blocking scene. I completely devoured this “fade to black” romance.

Nixon perfectly recreates the feeling of rediscovering an old crush and falling all over again. I found my inner monologue shouting “Share the bed! Share the bed!”

Zoey is the kind of girl I want to be friends with. She isn’t perfect and she made plenty of mistakes and that’s part of why she was so great to read.

KIERNAN!!!! If you could dream up the perfect things one person could say to another, add a touch of theater geek and slap an amazing six pack and adorable glasses on him, you’d have Kiernan.

I can only hope to be half as wonderful a sister-in-law as Vanessa.

Is it acceptable to say I want to bitch slap Zoey’s mother?

Thank you, thank you, thank you, to Madeline Nixon for early access to this ARC!

[Christine Maggie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zoey’s life has completely changed. She’s now jobless, homeless, and single.
It was hard reading about how Zoey’s ex made her feel small and how controlling he was. That was definitely a relationship she had to get out of.
I was a little hesitant going in to this book because I’m not a huge fan of the “brother’s best friend” trope but this book surprised me. Zoey and Kieran were decades in the making. It just took a toxic relationship, a failed engagement, and much more to get there. “But it was always you.”
I’m glad Zoey and Kieran have each other because they seem to both be surrounded by toxic people. This book contains a lot of character growth which was good for Zoey.
I loved all the movie/show/music references, especially the ones from Zoey’s past because it reminded me of my past too. I connected so well with Zoey’s character in this book. She’s a mess. But things always fall in to place.
I liked that the author is local to me and she integrated many local things in to her story. And I love that book playlists are now a common thing!

[Michaela · Rating 4 out of 5]

When it rains, it pours and spirals right down the drain. Saying Zoey's life is not going according to plan would be a gross understatement. She leaves her abusive ex, gets unfairly fired and embarrassed herself in front of her brother's best friend all in the same day. Add in a judgemental mother and you've reached peak rock bottom for a romance book!

I really enjoyed reading this book! There were so many laugh out loud moments and so many moments where I just wanted to scream at people to freaking communicate! But really if characters had good communication there'd rarely be a book. Madeline incorporated so many iconic pop culture references including THE CHRISTMAS LOBSTER!!!!!! Oh this was my favourite part because it's also my favourite part of Love Actually. Also loved the Magnolia cameo and I started trying to guess which character appearance was introducing the next couple! I have a few guesses but I'll just have to wait for it!

[Amanda Cronin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not Actually was exactly the escape I needed! Zoey and Kieran are so perfect together, and their chemistry, built on years of missed chances, was magic. Zoey’s resilience after hitting rock bottom was inspiring, and Kieran’s steady support made him the ultimate book boyfriend.

I loved the fun pop culture references, and the humor made me laugh out loud. Plus, the mental health representation felt refreshing and relatable—it’s rare to find it portrayed so naturally. This book is a perfect mix of lighthearted and meaningful, and I’d highly recommend it to anyone looking for a feel-good romance!

[Alyssa Palme · Rating 5 out of 5]

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

This book completely stole my heart. From the very first chapter, I was hooked. The deeply human, relatable characters felt like old friends by the end. Madeline has an incredible gift for making you fall in love with her characters, flaws and all, and I found myself genuinely invested in their journeys.

What truly stood out was her use of the "5 things" therapy tool to describe scenes. It was also a beautiful, subtle way to show a character grounding themselves through anxiety or emotional overwhelm. It added depth to the story.

Madeline Nixon is officially on my must-read list.

[Mackenzie Wallace · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was honored to be offer the opportunity to receive an advanced reader copy of this piece. It was a page turner from start to finish. Our female main is so relatable, especially for someone who seems to attract clumsiness and bad luck. Our male main character is so adorable and supportive, I just wanted to pinch his cheeks and hug him, haha.

A slow burn romance with the brothers best friend, Not Actually is a sweet read to just make you want to feel love and growth.

[Mary Yeung · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5/5 wonderful stars! ⭐️
Kieran is a sweetheart and a cute nerd 🤓 🫠
I love that he loves Zoey and he’s so patient with her.
Love their friendship evolving into something more and I love that Zoey’s sister in law is so supportive of their relationship 😁 I love a good slow burn and brother’s best friend! Overall, I had a wonderful time getting to know Kieran and Zoey! Thank you so much for the e-arc and I’m so excited for the rest of the world to get to know this cute pair! ☺️

[Michelle Bruce · Rating 3 out of 5]

First of all I love a Canadian indie author. I enjoyed the easy banter and friends to lovers storyline of this book. The only con I will say is the "pumpkin" nickname. I'm not really a cheesy nickname girl. I thought this book may drag on because it was over 300 pages but I enjoyed it and did not find it dragged on at all.

[Becky Barnett · Rating 5 out of 5]

OMG I am so in love with this book and I just couldn’t love the characters more. I had a few full on belly laughs and a hundred gasps and “the nerve” moments, but this book is both happy and sad. It definitely deals with some hard topics but this book is worth the read.

[jessreading · Rating 2 out of 5]

I reaaaallllly enjoyed the beginning of this book and Kieran as a person

But then getting engaged and married within 2 months of them “getting together” ruined it for me.
I get what the author was going for but it fell flat.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not Actually is a bingeable slow burn romance perfect for fans of the "brother's best friend" trope

[Shahna · Rating 5 out of 5]

cuuuuuuuuttttteeeeee

i love them
i want a pet lizard

[Jamie]

DNFd at 56 pages in on November 7th.

Writing and characters felt immature, unfortunately. Loved the Canada rep, though.

[Monika Kozlowski · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you love the movie Love actually this book is for you. If you live in Ontario or specifically the GTA you will adore this book .

[Olivia · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 ⭐️ LOVED!!!! I’m too tired to write the review so I’ll write it later but loved this book and its characters. Took a while in the beginning to get into the story, but once I did, I couldn’t put the book down.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this one! I liked the plot and the characters. I read it quite quickly after it had been taking me a while to read through books. There were a couple things I wish were more fleshed out - mostly the boundaries and relationship with her mom - but it was a great read and I loved the love story, and the friendships and relationships!

TW: cursing, emotional abuse, panic attacks/ disorders, gaslighting, alcohol, sexual content, mental illness, violence, medical content, vomit, injury/ injury detail

[Melanie Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not Actually is the second book in Maddie’s Like A Love Song series, but can be read as a standalone! I really liked book one, Emergency Lullabjes, but I LOVED Not Actually! I believe I connected more with his Zoey (FMC) was feeling at different times throughout the book.

This book will make you laugh, cry/tear up, swoon (a lot… Keiran is so dreamy okay?!) and feel all the good vibes (which is what we all need right now!)

There were some REALLY GREAT laugh out loud scenes in this book (the shower towel scene!!!) that perfectly complemented the more serious/heavier topics discussed. Keiran is my fav book boyfriend of Maddie’s so far!!! He has allllllll the red flags! The fact that he was pining after Zoey for years?!🥹😩🥰 He was also always there for Zoey, and was the only one who really “saw” her. Zoey has been dealt a difficult hand lately, but she continued to persevere and move forward and create a better life for herself, while also finding what makes her truly happy.

This book is fade to black in the open door/steam romance level, but let me tell you, the office scene was 🔥! There’s nothing like seeing your love interest ex to really move things along 😏😉

I highly recommend picking this book up! It’s available on KU and paperback and ebook on Amazon! Be warned: you will be hungry while reading this book!

[Alba Dorado · Rating 4 out of 5]

Zoey and Kieran were amazing, both as separate characters and also together. Kieran is the perfect book boyfriend. He actually sees her for who she is, and has loved her through her mess. I loved all the movie/show/music references, especially the ones from Zoey’s past because it reminded me of my past too. There was a lot of really fantastic representation in this book that was super well done and very relatable (mental health but not only). This book made me audibly gasp and laugh out loud multiple times. In public. Which smoothly balanced out the heavier topics.
Arc Review

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book had top-tier banter—I was chuckling almost the entire time! And the situational humour was SO good, though I’ll refrain from listing the scenes that had me dying because you just need to go read them to appreciate Nixon’s genius. Even when Zoey found herself in circumstances that weren’t necessarily funny (the girl had seriously bad luck), her reactions—and Kieran’s—were absolute gold.

Beyond the humor, the emotional depth of this book really hit. The scene when Zoey and Kieran finally expressed their feelings was so refreshing—an honest, straightforward conversation with no unnecessary drama. I've read many books where miscommunication, denial, and avoidance are prevalent, so this was a welcome change. Sometimes Zoey did need space to work through her thoughts and feelings, but Kieran knew her well enough to understand and give her that.

I also thought the anxiety representation was great, as well as the way Nixon dealt with abuse, and showed a woman recovering from that experience and finding herself. Despite being Zoey’s rock and support while she worked to rebuild her life, Kieran had his own issues to work through as well. Overall, the character growth for both was excellent.

Other thoughts:

- I was sad for little Luca not getting a chance to say goodbye (don’t even get me started on how his parents handled things)

- Zoey's mom was so mean! And it was frustrating that her dad and the rest of the family (looking at you, disastrous Thanksgiving dinner) never really called her out on it.

- Her brother sure knows how to hold a stupid grudge

- Kieran is definitely book-boyfriend material

- I went to UTM, so there was some fun nostalgia in picturing them at the various locations around campus (though it no longer looks anything like it did in my day)

- Lizard Queen!!

All in all, this book was a perfect mix of heart, humor, and romance, and I can’t wait for the next in the series.