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Real Love in Dating: The Truth About Finding The Perfect Partner
"This Real Love stuff is amazing. It's completely changed the way I date. I wish I'd known about it years ago. Everybody needs to read about Real Love before they go on their next date."
For most of us, dating is often confusing, frustrating, and frightening. We look for the "right person" in bars, at school, at parties, and on Internet dating sites. But what happens when we find the right partner? 60% of marriages end in divorce, and only 1-2% experience the fulfillment both partners once hoped for.
We need much more than another way to meet people. We need to learn how to create the loving and richly rewarding relationships we all want. In Real Love in Dating , you'll
• What we all need most before we can be genuinely happy—Real Love
• What we use as substitutes for Real Love, and how that destroys relationships
• How we behave when we don't feel loved, and how that makes us miserable
• How to find the Real Love that will guarantee lasting and rewarding relationships
• How to find and become the perfect partner
• How to build a great relationship and keep your perfect partner
For most of us, dating is often confusing, frustrating, and frightening. We look for the "right person" in bars, at school, at parties, and on Internet dating sites. But what happens when we find the right partner? 60% of marriages end in divorce, and only 1-2% experience the fulfillment both partners once hoped for.
We need much more than another way to meet people. We need to learn how to create the loving and richly rewarding relationships we all want. In Real Love in Dating , you'll
• What we all need most before we can be genuinely happy—Real Love
• What we use as substitutes for Real Love, and how that destroys relationships
• How we behave when we don't feel loved, and how that makes us miserable
• How to find the Real Love that will guarantee lasting and rewarding relationships
• How to find and become the perfect partner
• How to build a great relationship and keep your perfect partner
227 pages, Paperback
First published September 15, 2005
17 people are currently reading
52 people want to read
About the author
Greg Baer
28 books19 followersFor twenty years, Greg Baer, M.D. was a highly successful surgeon, teacher, civic leader, and entrepreneur. But despite all his accomplishments, wealth, and respect, he felt empty and unhappy. He became a drug addict and nearly committed suicide. In his subsequent search for genuine happiness, he learned some principles that have changed the lives of hundreds of thousands. After Dr. Baer retired from one of the busiest solo eye surgery practices in the United States, he began a new career of writing, teaching, and speaking. He has so far written 17 books about relationships, marriage, and parenting, which have been translated into multiple languages, and published worldwide; produced the three-CD audio series, The Truth About Love and Lies; produced the six-DVD set (with Workbook) The Essentials of Real Love; produced the PBS television special, Real Answers, viewed nationwide; appeared on over 1500 radio and television programs from coast to coast in the United States; counseled personally with thousands of individuals and couples, profoundly changing their lives with the principles and power of Real Love; written thousands of blogs; conducted over 300 seminars and corporate trainings and delivered speeches to audiences around the world where he has taught the principles of Real Love; and developed a comprehensive website that offers Real Love education through video coaching, thousands of blogs, weekly video chats, support forums, and much more. An extensive Master Index is conveniently available to help you navigate through these resources. Dr. Baer and his wife, Donna, are the parents of seven children and live in Rome, Georgia.
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
March 9, 2021
2.5
I was reluctant to read this, but I learnt a surprising amount from it. I read "Real Love" a couple years back, and it taught me a lot about myself, mostly why I display certain behaviour patterns in relationships, such as avoiding conflict and needing to be right. It also taught me to talk about my imperfections with other people, and to experience the acceptance that follows in the cases where people aren't weirded out by your honesty.
It was good to be reminded of a lot of these ideas and practices which I had somewhat forgotten.
This time around, however, some things did bug me about the book - also true of the original "Real Love":
1) As you read the book, you'll notice it's not "real love"; it's "Real Love". This is because Greg Baer trademarked the term "Real Love"! I couldn't believe it. Just a *tad* hypocritical in my opinion, coming from someone who goes on a lot about how love is not something we can get for ourselves, but it's something we give freely.
2) He ends every chapter with some helpful steps you can take to practice what you've just learnt. These include: buying "Real Love", buying "Real Love for Marriage", buying "Real Love for Wise Men and Wise Women", joining a Real Love group, purchasing a Real Love membership, purchasing a session with a Real Love coach etc etc. (e.g. pp50)
It reminded me of the time I tried to get a better contract with my Wifi provider, and each person I spoke to told me "That's not my expertise; let me pass you on to my colleague, who can help." It took me several hours to realise that I was caught in a never-ending cycle.
3) Lots of typos and grammatical errors. Maybe it was just the way the Kindle edition formatted though.
4) My biggest pet peeve: total and utter lack of references.
For example, just within the first couple pages, he says:
"At a large orphanage in Germany, a study revealed..." (pp 4)
"... Imitation Love can be illustrated by a study recently done at a major university." (pp 12)
"A group of social scientists studied..." (pp 13)
... all without providing a single reference. Drove me nuts. Because I agree with much of what he says, but you *have* to provide references, otherwise your statistics mean nothing.
5) Occasional use of misogynistic language - e.g. "If you dress like a prostitute, what kind of men do you think you'll attract?" (pp 224)
But alas, you can't expect everyone to be perfect, and I still learnt a lot from this, and I intend to come back to it as a reference in future. I would still recommend it if you're looking to build wholesome relationships and want to learn to see and be seen - there's really a lot to learn here.
Note: page references are from the Kindle edition.
I was reluctant to read this, but I learnt a surprising amount from it. I read "Real Love" a couple years back, and it taught me a lot about myself, mostly why I display certain behaviour patterns in relationships, such as avoiding conflict and needing to be right. It also taught me to talk about my imperfections with other people, and to experience the acceptance that follows in the cases where people aren't weirded out by your honesty.
It was good to be reminded of a lot of these ideas and practices which I had somewhat forgotten.
This time around, however, some things did bug me about the book - also true of the original "Real Love":
1) As you read the book, you'll notice it's not "real love"; it's "Real Love". This is because Greg Baer trademarked the term "Real Love"! I couldn't believe it. Just a *tad* hypocritical in my opinion, coming from someone who goes on a lot about how love is not something we can get for ourselves, but it's something we give freely.
2) He ends every chapter with some helpful steps you can take to practice what you've just learnt. These include: buying "Real Love", buying "Real Love for Marriage", buying "Real Love for Wise Men and Wise Women", joining a Real Love group, purchasing a Real Love membership, purchasing a session with a Real Love coach etc etc. (e.g. pp50)
It reminded me of the time I tried to get a better contract with my Wifi provider, and each person I spoke to told me "That's not my expertise; let me pass you on to my colleague, who can help." It took me several hours to realise that I was caught in a never-ending cycle.
3) Lots of typos and grammatical errors. Maybe it was just the way the Kindle edition formatted though.
4) My biggest pet peeve: total and utter lack of references.
For example, just within the first couple pages, he says:
"At a large orphanage in Germany, a study revealed..." (pp 4)
"... Imitation Love can be illustrated by a study recently done at a major university." (pp 12)
"A group of social scientists studied..." (pp 13)
... all without providing a single reference. Drove me nuts. Because I agree with much of what he says, but you *have* to provide references, otherwise your statistics mean nothing.
5) Occasional use of misogynistic language - e.g. "If you dress like a prostitute, what kind of men do you think you'll attract?" (pp 224)
But alas, you can't expect everyone to be perfect, and I still learnt a lot from this, and I intend to come back to it as a reference in future. I would still recommend it if you're looking to build wholesome relationships and want to learn to see and be seen - there's really a lot to learn here.
Note: page references are from the Kindle edition.
November 16, 2018
Poorly written without evidence however it's the best book I've read to date which helped me understand codependancy. It never uses that term in the book but it's what it is essentially describing. This book has helped me date way healthier!!!!
April 21, 2025
i was gifted this book by a dear friend, with the best intentions possible and i'm therefore somewhat reluctant to write this review... after all, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. in my friend's defence, there are some obvious benefits to the general point of the book, but the devil is in the details; let's go through both.
the book starts off by stating that children who are scolded are not loved unconditionally and that is what scars them. for life. i would agree that there is a proper and improper way of giving criticism to children - but just because children tend to conflate critique of behaviour with critique of general worth, that should not scare us from criticizing them. i haven't read bears other books on the topic, so i'm not entirely sure how nuanced his advice on upbringing is, but here it seems that this notion is rather simplistic.
secondly, it is absolutely true that people who continue to talk to themselves dismissively (just like their parents sometimes did), tend to overcorrect for this childish lack of self-compassion by escaping intimacy using what baer calls imitation love and what berne called games. what separates the two is that berne recognizes the limited value of games (constant intimacy is absolutely exhausting!), while baer is incapable of doing so. baer insists on a constant lack of games! i think here berne is more correct in saying that you can play as many games you want, as long as both parties can eventually openly acknowledge that a game was being played. unlike with baer, there is no requirement of sainthood.
while on the topic of sainthood - as much as bear is correct about the value of not being easily stirred by either objective circumstance or interpersonal struggles, it is an entirely different ballgame to "love unconditionally". he gets himself into so much trouble with it, it's often painful to read! the most obvious example is - you're supposed to love your partner unconditionally /unless/ your partner doesn't learn to love you unconditionally (i.e. still often gets annoyed with your behaviour), then you don't have to love them anymore. do you see the problem?
in a similar vein, love is "caring about the other's happiness". my goodness, what a conundrum has he gotten himself into, and he's obvioulsly not even aware of it! and even if we leave aside all philosophical contemplation about what happiness really is and just stick to his rules for relationships... he says that common interests aren't very important, so let's suppose that we have a couple who are up to par to all baer's standard Real Love in all possible aspects, but there remains a crucial difference in their relationship to dishware. person A is the happiest if they don't do the dishes immediately after their meal and person b is the happiest if they do. how are they to employ baer's rules and achieve unity? they cannot! somebody's desire for the other's happiness will have to be stronger than the others! and they will now have less power and resentment can eventually build up and we end up with the same exact problem as we would have otherwise unless there is the moment of deus ex machina where both parties are openly keeping exact score on how even the power relation is and how many times the other should conform, regarding dishware or on some other matter. but overall - they should talk! which is awfully hard in these times where both parties are overworked in the afternoon! we have a systemic problem!
lastly, the special status he ascribes to marriage, while discarding other relationships is awfully surface-level and i think a lot of potentially good relationships have gone to waste because of it. but there's good stuff in there on how to avoid getting fooled by imitation love! don't try too hard impress on the first date, don't have sex before you're sure the other person would have been invested with or without it, save the passionate kisses for a time when you're ready to be led astray by them, save the big words until you've had a good overview of who your s/o really is and most importantly - don't get involved with people who take everything so seriously that they think its worth beating themselves and other people over the tiniest of stuff! i.e. never date anyone who is not an absurdist at heart! and profoundly so!
aside from that - baer is right, love is not a feeling, but it is also /not/ a care for other person's happiness. LOVE IS A PROCESS OF MUTUAL GROWTH. and it's a sad truth that some people want to stay the same and you probably should leave them to their own devices - but, please, don't try to wrap your departure in some holier-than-thou "Real, unconditional Love capacity". you're at such an obvious contradiction in terms. nothing in this world is unconditional, there is only varying degrees of tolerance and leveling the score. claiming otherwise is not only bad psychology, but also bad philosophy.
anyway... overall, a really good book if you take the good parts out and don't think about the rest too much. a lot of people (myself included!) will do well if they master the good parts - the devilish details? we will cross that bridge when we get there. if we get there.
the book starts off by stating that children who are scolded are not loved unconditionally and that is what scars them. for life. i would agree that there is a proper and improper way of giving criticism to children - but just because children tend to conflate critique of behaviour with critique of general worth, that should not scare us from criticizing them. i haven't read bears other books on the topic, so i'm not entirely sure how nuanced his advice on upbringing is, but here it seems that this notion is rather simplistic.
secondly, it is absolutely true that people who continue to talk to themselves dismissively (just like their parents sometimes did), tend to overcorrect for this childish lack of self-compassion by escaping intimacy using what baer calls imitation love and what berne called games. what separates the two is that berne recognizes the limited value of games (constant intimacy is absolutely exhausting!), while baer is incapable of doing so. baer insists on a constant lack of games! i think here berne is more correct in saying that you can play as many games you want, as long as both parties can eventually openly acknowledge that a game was being played. unlike with baer, there is no requirement of sainthood.
while on the topic of sainthood - as much as bear is correct about the value of not being easily stirred by either objective circumstance or interpersonal struggles, it is an entirely different ballgame to "love unconditionally". he gets himself into so much trouble with it, it's often painful to read! the most obvious example is - you're supposed to love your partner unconditionally /unless/ your partner doesn't learn to love you unconditionally (i.e. still often gets annoyed with your behaviour), then you don't have to love them anymore. do you see the problem?
in a similar vein, love is "caring about the other's happiness". my goodness, what a conundrum has he gotten himself into, and he's obvioulsly not even aware of it! and even if we leave aside all philosophical contemplation about what happiness really is and just stick to his rules for relationships... he says that common interests aren't very important, so let's suppose that we have a couple who are up to par to all baer's standard Real Love in all possible aspects, but there remains a crucial difference in their relationship to dishware. person A is the happiest if they don't do the dishes immediately after their meal and person b is the happiest if they do. how are they to employ baer's rules and achieve unity? they cannot! somebody's desire for the other's happiness will have to be stronger than the others! and they will now have less power and resentment can eventually build up and we end up with the same exact problem as we would have otherwise unless there is the moment of deus ex machina where both parties are openly keeping exact score on how even the power relation is and how many times the other should conform, regarding dishware or on some other matter. but overall - they should talk! which is awfully hard in these times where both parties are overworked in the afternoon! we have a systemic problem!
lastly, the special status he ascribes to marriage, while discarding other relationships is awfully surface-level and i think a lot of potentially good relationships have gone to waste because of it. but there's good stuff in there on how to avoid getting fooled by imitation love! don't try too hard impress on the first date, don't have sex before you're sure the other person would have been invested with or without it, save the passionate kisses for a time when you're ready to be led astray by them, save the big words until you've had a good overview of who your s/o really is and most importantly - don't get involved with people who take everything so seriously that they think its worth beating themselves and other people over the tiniest of stuff! i.e. never date anyone who is not an absurdist at heart! and profoundly so!
aside from that - baer is right, love is not a feeling, but it is also /not/ a care for other person's happiness. LOVE IS A PROCESS OF MUTUAL GROWTH. and it's a sad truth that some people want to stay the same and you probably should leave them to their own devices - but, please, don't try to wrap your departure in some holier-than-thou "Real, unconditional Love capacity". you're at such an obvious contradiction in terms. nothing in this world is unconditional, there is only varying degrees of tolerance and leveling the score. claiming otherwise is not only bad psychology, but also bad philosophy.
anyway... overall, a really good book if you take the good parts out and don't think about the rest too much. a lot of people (myself included!) will do well if they master the good parts - the devilish details? we will cross that bridge when we get there. if we get there.
February 15, 2022
Similar to the Real Love book, I think the content is generally excellent but I'm not a fan of the writing style.
In terms of content, it's refreshing and clear and has helped me understand not only how to date in a more healthy and focused way, but also how much "normal" dating is just nonsense, unhealthy, and unproductive. I didn't agree with everything in the second half, and some advice seemed a bit extreme, but overall it's helpful content.
But similar to Real Love, the writing style isn't my cup of tea, as the author tends to write in a way that becomes redundant and is often robotic. He recommends reading the other books he's authored in the Real Love series about 15-20 times. I get it, the other books are probably good, but we don't need to hear it that much.
Overall, great content. I recommend it to anyone who's in the dating world or even those who know someone who is that could benefit.
In terms of content, it's refreshing and clear and has helped me understand not only how to date in a more healthy and focused way, but also how much "normal" dating is just nonsense, unhealthy, and unproductive. I didn't agree with everything in the second half, and some advice seemed a bit extreme, but overall it's helpful content.
But similar to Real Love, the writing style isn't my cup of tea, as the author tends to write in a way that becomes redundant and is often robotic. He recommends reading the other books he's authored in the Real Love series about 15-20 times. I get it, the other books are probably good, but we don't need to hear it that much.
Overall, great content. I recommend it to anyone who's in the dating world or even those who know someone who is that could benefit.
May 14, 2024
Finding real love in dating can be a challenging journey, but it's worth every effort. It's essential to seek someone who aligns with your values and aspirations. Platforms like filipino cupid can be incredibly helpful in connecting with potential partners who share your cultural background and interests. The key is to approach each interaction with authenticity and an open heart. Remember, the perfect partner isn't flawless, but rather someone who complements and supports you. Real love is about building a deep, meaningful connection that withstands the test of time. Take your time, be genuine, and trust that the right person will come along.
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews