Real Men Don't Rehearse: Adventures in the Secret World of Professional Orchestras

by Justin Locke

Real Men Don't Rehearse is an amusing collection of stories about the secret world of professional orchestras.

Genres: Music, Nonfiction, Humor

194 pages, Paperback

First published May 1, 2005

Reviews

[Eric_W · Rating 5 out of 5]

Watch the short video of Justin Locke talking about one of the episodes from the book on his Amazon author page. Very funny.

A very charming book filled with short anecdotes and stories of events and behind-the-scenes activities in a famous orchestra. Hard to write a review. I’ll just say if you are a musician or love classical music, these little stories will charm you.

Playing in an orchestra is really an extraordinary task that involves getting as many as 90 narcissistic individuals to work together as a group in harmony. (Full disclosure: I have played the French horn in an orchestra.) How that is done involves a lot of hierarchy and tradition, much of which Locke explains quite humorously. The conductor's role is somewhat special often having little to do with setting the tempo (read the part about what happens during the milliseconds between the conductor’s open and down beats.)

Once a piece of music starts, many people believe that the orchestra needs the conductor’s non-stop stick-waving as a sort of visual metronome to keep the orchestra together. However, in hard-core professional orchestras, the beat lies, not within the conductor, but within the orchestra itself. Better conductors know this, and they take great advantage of it by swirling the baton around in very vague artistic ways so as not to interfere with the orchestra’s intrinsic rhythmic sense. This is harder than it sounds; in the midst of all that dancing and swirling, it is very important to avoid doing anything that the orchestra will interpret as an actual instruction for a rhythmic change, as this can really gum up the works.

In a major orchestra, the players are all so skilled and experienced that they aren’t dependent upon the conductor for very much of anything. And they are generally very assertive, if not downright aggressive, in their approach to playing. For the neophyte conductor in this situation, “leading” is not so much like urging a birthday party pony to greater effort as it is like hanging on for dear life while riding Seabiscuit in the back stretch of the Preakness.

You’ll have to read the book to find out about John Williams and the spinning basses in Japan. Great story. And by the way, there’s a reason why conductors always need to be nice to the principal bass player.

I loved this book.

[Brianna Hale · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really funny and entertaining! <3

[Jill · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a short book full of short stories describing what it is like to be a professional musician (and specifically a string bass player in a major orchestra). The stories are funny, interesting, and insightful, if not brilliantly written. Several of the episodes are full-on hilarious. I'm not a pro, just an amateur musician, but I still found things to relate to and enjoyed all of the book. I'm not sure, however, how much appeal it would have to a larger audience - it's at least great for musicians of any kind/level and any fan of orchestral music (it does provide interesting behind-the-scenes insight to the making of music).

[Marc Gerstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

Entertaining and informative peek behind the curtain, or rather, into the pit of a professional orchestra.

[Alexander · Rating 4 out of 5]

A delightful read. This short book is filled with amusing anecdotes about the author’s years as a bass player with the Boston Pops Orchestra and as a freelancer in various pit orchestras around Boston. Several of the anecdotes were truly laugh-out-loud funny while others were heartwarming. Mixed in with these anecdotes are interesting takes on the ideal relationship between the conductor and the orchestra, on the most efficient ways to practice, and a frank discussion of the stress involved in taking orchestra auditions. Recommended for all those who love orchestral music.

[Kali Patrick · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm biased because I knew the author and edited several earlier editions of this book. But as he recently passed away, I re-read it and once again, I couldn't put it down. I'm so glad he wrote it and we can remember him and his wonderful storytelling abilities.

[Abigail]

I actually enjoyed this less the second time around. I think the author's attitude was sometimes off putting for me. I'm gonna watch more TwoSet videos now....

[Emily · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was quite an entertaining book!

[John Montgomery · Rating 5 out of 5]

It is not great literature but if you've spent a lot of time in the music world, it's a great read! I'll be passing it around to other men who think we should rehearse for the next gig.

[Julie Nystedt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Quick and fun read filled with behind the scenes stories of the lives of professional musicians. Entertaining for musicians and non-musicians alike.

[Elaine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Real Men Don't Rehearse is a collection of short, funny stories from behind-the-scenes of professional orchestral musicians. While most of the tales are from Justin Locke's own experiences from his playing career in the Boston Pops, Boston Symphony, and orchestra pits, he also puts in a few legends and stories that have been told to him. Humor is put into all the chapters and I don't think I could pick a favorite funny story, as they're all great! Amid the hysterics (this book had me chuckling out loud), I also learned a great deal about orchestras in general. Here are just a few things I learned: there are actually 2 different Boston Pops, the Boston Pops Esplanade Orchestra doesn't rehearse much, what all goes into and happens on tour, what is required for an audition, that a conductor does not really “control” the tempo, musicians are very competitive, and that there is actually something called "bass section choreography". Plus more! I'd like to highlight two chapters that were really interesting. One was titled Pecking Orders and described the different “ranks” in the orchestra and who turned pages and who played what part. The other was titled Keeping Score and in it Justin tells of when he was (and I think he still is) the score reader for television broadcasts of the Boston Pops (after he was done playing bass in the orchestra, of course). Not only does he describe what a score reader actually does, he also tells about what else goes into making the magic of television, which I found very intriguing as I had not know really any of it. This book is great for any musician who is wondering about the secrets of professional orchestras, but I also thought that Justin did a very good job of not assuming that the reader knew music. He would put things like “Quick definitions here for non-musicians...” or “For those of you who are not all that musically inclined...”, making it enjoyable for those people who do not know much about music but love it all the same. Educational and funny!
Warnings: There is a bit of bad language in this book (not much), but Justin did a good job eliminating some of it by putting “etc.” instead of the word or replacing some of the letters with **. There is also some inappropriate references, though only really in a few chapters.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hilarious account of what it's like to be a professional bassist. As a bassist myself I really found it spot on and entrhalling.

Best quote ever: (pg 65) "...this thing [double bass] is pretty much impossible to play, we're doing the best we can, and we dont't really wasn't to be here anyway, so don't bother with your prissy nitpicking." I'm almost positive I've said this to a cellist at some rehearsal or another in response to their condemnation for my lack of ability to play 64th notes on the E string in time with them.

[Rosemary · Rating 3 out of 5]

Amusing collection of essays on what it's like to be a part of the orchestra, specifically a bass player in the Boston Pops. The author bears a bit of a chip on his shoulder that he was never selected for a truly great orchestra, but this is still fun to read and provides another perspective into the world of professional musicians.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm pretty sure that even people who aren't bassists or even musicians will have trouble not laughing continuously while reading this. While funny and hilarious, this book is also the one that sparked the interest into what my career choice now is.

[Kathleen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Since this is written by a bassist, as opposed to, say, an oboist, I think this is a superior read. The style is a little folksy and erratic, but he tells great stories about his experiences, and the BSO (!), my favorite orchestra.

[Sue Schrier Bancroft · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great for non musicians and no musicians alike.

Very funny and educational for lovers of live symphonic music and musicians. I should know. I was one. His writing is excellent.

[Becky · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is an entertaining book, with amusing stories about a bass player's years with the Boston Pops. I did not laugh out loud, as apparently the folks quoted on the back of the book did.

[Michelle Eggert · Rating 5 out of 5]

This entertaining memoir is a must-read for every musician, professional or otherwise.

[David D Walter · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome insight!

Humorous exposure to the classical music world! I have experienced several similar incidents and had that "been there done that" feel.