Okay, buckle up because this is going to be one long, rant filled review.
I guess I will start with the disclaimer that I went into this book with extremely low expectations and STILL managed to be let down. (I DNF’d the only other book I attempted to read by this author on page 30.)
To continue:
I hated absolutely everything about this book.
I hated all the characters and wanted them to die. (Spoiler alert — they didn’t)
I hated the story.
I absolutely LOATHED the writing.
If this hadn’t been a book club book, I would have DNF’d it within the first 6 pages when the main character Riley Thorn speaks to her breasts. (It’s explained later, but my hatred was ingrained by that point.)
Then, around page 30, the male perspective, Nick “I’m a devilishly handsome private investigator” Santiago was introduced. As I said above, I hated all the characters in this book, but as far as I’m concerned, there should be a special circle of hell just for Nick Santiago. He was a scumbag, a jerk, a tool, you name it. It seems to be a trend with this author of having male characters that come on way too strong. Nick was extremely controlling, his ego was completely out of control (as evidenced with lines like “he said it with the confidence of a man who was every woman’s type”), he was rude, jealous, manipulative, and pejorative.
For example: “Nick was suddenly faced with one pro to relationships that he’d never before considered. If they were actually dating, he could forbid her from disobeying him on this.“
He also talked on and on forever about how he would never settle down and get married and didn’t want to have sex with Riley because he knew she would want something more serious and he doesn’t do commitments. But somehow by the end of the book, he has moved himself in with Riley (without her permission - she should have had him arrested for trespassing) and is suddenly ready to make a commitment. What a guy. I particularly loved how he announced to Riley, “I’m your boyfriend!”
Why would ANYONE want this scumbag???
As far as I can tell, his ONLY redeeming quality was that he was HOTTTTTT. RED FLAG alert. If an average guy/ugly guy/old man acted the way Nick acted, there would be no story because the girl would have called the cops on him for harassment. I hate it in books when the guy is a total asshole, but gets a pass because he’s attractive. In this case, “attractive” refers to his dimples (which a search of my kindle shows were referenced 31 times) and his butt (he’s described as “the hottie with the hiney” at one point). PUKE.
I haven’t talked much about Riley, and that’s because she was a total DOORMAT who talked a good game about standing up to Nick, but in the end let him walk all over her because she fell victim to his hotness. (Or as the book described it, ”Riley’s heart threw itself down the stairs of her chest.”.) She was also a terrible psychic. Shawn Spencer was a better one and he wasn’t actually psychic.
Another BIG complaint I have about this was the writing “style” of the author. The book was very overwritten and riddled with metaphors that didn’t make sense and were also gross.
For example:
”the carpet beneath was shit brown”.
There’s also a “Sinus infection green recliner”, a ”urine yellow shirt, a ”mud brown cardigan” and my personal favorite ”crowded around like flies on dog poop”. Lovely. That’s some really…evocative imagery right there.
Speaking of overwritten.
I read somewhere that indie authors who publish through Amazon are paid by the page? That might explain a lot here. There was SO MUCH random information that was not remotely necessary and added absolutely nothing to the story. We had to hear that Nick pulled into a parking space “between a tricked-out Suburban with custom wheels and a two-tone Honda with an aftermarket spoiler and two flat tires.” I’m surprised the author didn’t include the VIN number and complete CarFax history of both vehicles as well (they never appear in the story again)!
This happened constantly throughout the book. The “dead guy” as in “the dead guy next door” doesn’t die until around the 100 page mark. Prior to that, there was a lot of talking, explanation of irrelevant things to the story, and what I think was supposed to be banter between Riley and Nick but which basically consisted of him making innuendos and her calling him an asshole while secretly wanting to bang him. In fact, the murder plot was basically dropped after the dead guy next door did, in fact die, only to be brought back in around the 60 percent mark. It was like the author wrote 300 pages of extraneous crap and then realized, “oops! I’m writing a murder mystery! Better get back to it!”
For being riddled with innuendoes, there’s only one sex scene in the book, and it was laughably bad. Throughout the story there’s this running gag that Riley and Nick (who are fake dating for reason that were unclear to me and really didn’t make sense given Nick’s aforementioned attitude toward dating and relationships) are fighting and for whatever reason everyone around them assumes that is is because Nick is bad in bed. Well, after reading that horribly written sex scene, I can confirm with 100 percent certainty — Nick is bad in bed. I shouldn’t be laughing during a sex scene. At least there was only one.
The showdown with the villain was ridiculous, over the top, and not remotely realistic. Guns blazing, masked vigilantes, you name it, if it was something ridiculous, it was probably there. I was half expecting an alien spaceship to land in the town square and have some aliens join the gunfight.
In sum: this book was bad. Please don’t read this book. Your brain will thank you later.
The things I endure for book club…