Thank you to both #NetGalley and Thomas Nelson Fiction/Thomas Nelson for providing me an advance copy of Colleen Coble and Rick Acker’s #mysterythriller, I Think I Was Murdered, in exchange for an honest review.
Holy-in-need-of-edits Batman! WTF did I just read?!…Was my initial reaction upon finishing #IThinkIWasMurdered. Next, I wondered whether it was a satirization of contemporary fiction, emphasizing certain elements of #crimethrillers, #cyberpunk, and #melodramas. Then, I realized that it was most likely written as a #YA novel originally, but due to some potential content restrictions, the authors were forced to pivot and rapidly adapt the material for an adult audience. Hence, the characters’ simplified perspectives. Regardless of what the novel is or was intended to be, the pages are practically shrieking for edits—excluding the severe formatting issues.
The plot is chaotic to say the least. Think telenovela on steroids, if that’s even possible. For instance, each subplot is dedicated to a different genre, ranging from #domesticdrama to #mysterysuspense. Characters’ emotions run the gamut of grief to #hallmarkromance, sometimes in the span of a paragraph. By page 100, the reader has been exposed to a murder, FBI raid, funeral (and no, not for the murder victim), pregnancy, love triangle, schoolboy crush, restaurant opening, potential second murder, a buyout of an AI tech startup, a #bitcoin quest that involves a few hiking stints, the sale of a separate restaurant, the reveal of long-lost half-siblings, and most importantly, the threat of either the Yakuza or a Triad, which are sometimes conflated. Rather odd considering the lengths the authors went to promote Norwegian culture. Again, WTF?
The book is so comically bad that at one point I found myself comparing it to the movie, The Disaster Artist. No pun intended. How can a novel with so many plotlines be this predictable? The only thing this book manages to do right is the one thing that typically turns me off to reading books written by two authors, which is that they managed to seamlessly blend their writing styles. Non-PC, TW: Of course, it is entirely possible that the authors split writing the passages and dialogue for characters according to gender. Speaking of characters…
The characters are infuriating, underdeveloped, and create the majority of plot holes. The writing is incredibly sloppy, and so much so that I stand by my theory that this was originally written as a YA novel. Exhibit A: Magnus. No further comment. I also refuse to believe a DA would allow a book to be published where nearly all the facts about lawyering are wrong; especially, one wherein the protagonist is an attorney. Moreover, similar to the abomination of using infants as a plot device, pets also should not be overused. *Cue Samuel L. Jackson: “Mention Lyla one more time!” I’ll wrap-up this critique of these braindead characters ala the authors’ draft and simply data dump: gun club, religion, mean girls, fugitive, nostalgia, ugly duckling syndrome, tech illiterate, and small-town cops. Again, and I cannot stress this enough...WTF?
Finally, there is only way to conclude this review and it is already pretty obvious based on the above the rating this book deserves. So, I decided to offer the most irritating point in the entire novel instead. To avoid spoilers, I will leave you dear readers and aspiring authors with this: you cannot substitute one valuable item with another when the second item is in an entirely different category of technology. That’s like saying I’ll trade you my pet gerbil for your llama. Sound like a good deal? No? Exactly.