A Hole Where My Heart Should Be: Lifting the Curse of Intergenerational Trauma: A Memoir

by Michele Leembruggen

A vivid and beautifully crafted memoir that uncovers the source of adult dysfunction in the guise of unresolved childhood trauma, and how through perseverance and hope, we can heal.

Trigger suicide, self-harm, domestic violence

All her adult life Michele Leembruggen craved love and security but it proved an elusive dream because she functioned from the blueprint of her abusive, chaotic childhood, which set her up to fail in a perpetual ‘ground hog day’.

To the outside world Michele projected an aura of achievement and success, but inside the confines of her perfectionism she was drowning in a sea of invisible despair, the result of the unconscious suppression of her unresolved childhood trauma. In a bid to endure in a hostile and lonely world, Michele self-medicated with alcohol and fell into dissociative obsessions.

She finally suffered a nervous breakdown and in a seeming stroke of good luck, Michele discovered a therapist who promised healing but whose own unresolved childhood trauma threw her into a destabilising reenactment of her dysfunctional relationship with her borderline and narcissistic mother. She became pathologically obsessed, and the very process designed to bring about healing began to unravel. When Michele’s worst nightmare happened and her beloved therapist abandoned her, a life and death battle for her sanity and her life ensued.

A Hole Where My Heart Should Be is a raw and riveting memoir of what it feels like to live with and heal from Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder, of confronting our deepest fears and coming home to our true Self.

293 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 18, 2024

Reviews

[Cheryl Cooksey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is moving and informative yet confronting. Michelle writes beautifully and as the book unfolds the reader can really feel the pain that borderline personality disorder brings with it, and how this condition comes about in the first place. It is a very honest book and Michelle writes frankly about some difficult times in her life that many less courageous writers might hesitate to include. Highly recommended to anyone wanting to get a better understanding of borderline personality disorder or of mental health issues in general as the trauma and feelings of isolation surely have much in common across the mental health spectrum.

[Liz · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerfully vivid memoir that laid bare a destabilising childhood and resultant long painful journey to an understanding of her real self
As intense as insightful, it is a well written read.

[Krys · Rating 5 out of 5]

I absolutely loved this book so much! I completely recommend this book! It was sooo good !

[Liz Waud · Rating 5 out of 5]

From the first page I was captivated. A simple act of indifference such as a misspelled name or a formal email sign off from someone you are attached to can leave a big hole in your heart. From the loss of her trusted therapist, Michele’s story circles around childhood memories of family fracture and upheaval, teenage angst without any solid adult support, to adulthood as she tries to make sense of her anxiety and emotional pain.
Michele writes beautifully and honestly as she describes her relationships, her passions and the different healing therapies she tries. You really understand what Michele has experienced and cannot help but admire her determination to find relief from her fractured psyche. It’s not an easy read by any means. I was haunted by Michele’s very distant father, her abusive uncle, and her selfish mother who craved admiration and completely neglected Michele’s needs.
Anyone who has suffered childhood trauma and grew up feeling empty and unworthy could relate to this story and find the information on the different treatment modalities useful. It’s unfortunate that Michele had such negative experiences with traditional medicine This book shows the effects of inter-generational trauma and more effective therapies should be available for anyone seeking support.

[Nicole · Rating 5 out of 5]

First off, I want to start by saying how much vulnerability it must have taken for the author to show all these pieces of herself to the world. This book was so good, very well written, and I applaud her courage. It hits some spots for me, and because of that, I love and appreciate it that much more. Thank you for writing this.

[LinaVer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I received a free advanced reader copy (ARC) of this book via BookSirens. This is my honest, voluntary written review.

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I judge a lot of books by their first sentences, and Michele Leembruggen's "A Hole Where My Heart Should Be" captivated my interest with its very first few words. Until now, I haven't read very many memoirs. Neither have I read that many honest books about mental health and issues. That's what got me interested in this book from the start. However, when I chose to read it, I had no idea that such a personal book could be very difficult to describe and/or review.

First of all, this book took me on a real trip, and it wasn't the easiest journey. Much like a good road trip is - the road grows and heals you, but it does that through bigger or smaller hardships. This book is really not the easiest to read it. My heart goes out to all the people who experience any kind of violence, and the traumatized children hiding inside them because of how cruel and scary this world can be.

Furthermore, this book evoked a whole array of different feelings in me, from being horrified at what Michele went through and is going through on a daily basis, to feeling compassion, to discovering that so many of the things that were written about in the book are close and familiar to me. I was immensely impressed by Michele's strength to reach out for help and search for inner growth, healing and love despite everything she's been through.

In addition, it was interesting to learn and understand more about what a person with Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder goes through and how they see the world (about which I knew very little before). The book is written in a very compelling and visual style (more often than not you're being shown what is happening rather than being told and that is a sign of a very well written book for me), which makes you feel as if you're experiencing everything that Michele goes through almost first-hand. One such "visual moment" that stuck with me and really healed something in me is when Michele saw her "inner children" huddled in a dark cave and during the therapy she let light, love and care for them into that darkness.

I am grateful to Michele and this book of hers for all the inspiration, strength and for the feeling that I was also healing my inner little children while reading.

I'm giving the book 4 out of 5 stars only because it was a really tough read at times and maybe a book like this needs some preparation beforehand (so I'm glad there are warnings about the heavy topics it covers).

[Gena Fawns · Rating 5 out of 5]

Michele Leembruggen’s A Hole Where My Heart Should Be is a deeply moving narrative that bridges the personal and the universal in its exploration of childhood relational trauma. With remarkable clarity and emotional depth, Leembruggen illuminates the lifelong ripple effects of childhood trauma, and the intricate pathway to healing.

She describes the profound reawakening of old wounds when a trusted therapist ended their work together, offering a raw and authentic window into the complexities of the therapeutic relationship. Her narrative weaves psychological insight with human vulnerability in a way that lingers long after the final page.

Drawing on my decades of experience working in the field of trauma recovery, I find Leembruggen’s journey especially resonant for its nuanced depiction of inner child work and the rediscovery of self-compassion. Leembruggen’s ability to transform devastating setbacks into opportunities for self-understanding is extraordinary and inspiring.

This book is essential reading for anyone seeking to understand trauma, healing, and the indomitable strength of the human spirit.

[Patricia Reynolds · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an intense read that explored many hard topics. I found the book well written and heartfelt. A really good read.
This is a voluntary and honest review.

[*｡◍˖༚☆ · Rating 3 out of 5]

There is so much to say about this book.
Let's start with the positive (⭐⭐⭐):

1. It has very good thoughts we could relate to:

🖋️All my adult life I had maintained a façade of competence, had completed university degrees and landed respectable jobs but these shows of normality had only been possible by suppressing my internal dysfunction using a combination of social avoidance, alcohol and dissociation.🖋️

🖋️These unhealthy survival strategies were unconscious, and I was not even aware I was mentally ill. To the outside world I appeared functional but inside was perpetual emptiness and chaos.🖋️

🖋️Worst of all, if we have children and our illness remains untreated, we are likely to 'pass' borderline on to a new generation, especially from mother to daughter.🖋️ A reality many parents should be aware of.

🖋️“How’re you going?” Unaccountably, this question irritated me immensely, possibly because I couldn’t begin to put into words just how dreadful, how lost and scared I felt, in an indefinable, dissociated sort of way.🖋️ World, would you mind to STOP asking this question? It's disrespectful. Thank you.

2. I like the author's prose, it's entertaining and you're drawn in to learn more about Michele's mind. You could tell her level of self-awareness, it conveyed how real and complex her case is. This book is like a portal to a real woman, to the life of a human being, a victim of her family's neglect, a victim of the environment she grew up in, and, I might even say, very unlucky. It's literally the daily life of a traumatized person.

3. The book has very good information on dissociation and what childhood trauma does to a person's brain, especially parental neglect. It explains perfectly well how trauma fragmentation develops and gives an extremely realistic view of how it actually works. Tells about the reality of living with undiagnosed, controlling, suicidal, narcissistic, unstable PTSD caregivers. And it makes it clear that a caregiver doesn't have to be addicted to drugs or alcohol to be neglectful or traumatize a child.

Now, about the negative part... (-☆☆):

1. The start of the book needs a big trigger warning, as literally the beginning led me to think I wouldn't read graphic scenes of abuse. They were very uncomfortable to read. Very uncomfortable. The way the author talks about her abuse seemed unusual to me, I didn't like the way she narrates it.

2. Unfortunately, the author never realized that throughout the book she was a victim of pseudoscientific therapies, bad medical professionals, and frauds. It is confusing because according to her those practices made her feel better, but that can be explained empirically by the placebo effect. They are not completely harmful but they claim to be something they are not, hypotheses with more refutable arguments than arguments that support them.

3. I thought this would be an updated trauma-informed version and yes it was, but at the end of the day this is written by a lady over 50 years old, so yes, you can find a lot of stigma and prejudice about traditional medicine.
And... did she just say Horoscope? Reiki? Really? Guys, she is just a ma'am. In fact, at the beginning it says the book is educational bUt, how can it be if it's actually full of misinformation and bias about medicine? I don't think being prejudiced about proven medicine is progressive. Not at all.
Also, DID SHE JUST SAY dissociative identity disorder (DID), is formally called multiple personality disorder? EXCUSE ME? Not even close, it is insulting to say such a thing. Dissociative Identity disorder is NOT a personality disorder, that's why it's now formally called dissociative IDENTITY disorder.

4. It made me question a lot if the author actually had partial DID (OSDD) or, as she claimed, very dissociative BPD. But isn't having an internal world a DID thing? As far as we know, she doesn't have profound amnesia so she can't have DID. I was like "ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT PARTS CAN BE THERE KEEPING THE TRAUMA BUT NOT INTERACTING WITH THE WORLD?" Yeah, maybe it's just very dissociative BPD.

5. 🖋️Borderline personality disorder is an extremely painful condition and people who suffer it deserve to be treated as heroines/heroes for enduring the unendurable.🖋️
F*ck, dude, what? What do you mean?, I mean, why would you say that? Your suffering is valid but you don't have to be asking for adoration(?, that's narcissistic, is not it🤪?

6. 🖋️I did not need to even utter a word as she knew how I felt, more so than I.🖋️
Why does this sound like gaslighting to me?
aNd why am I so sure about all this? I have such an amazing teacher about the trauma stuff c: (LongSoulSystem ily)
BTW, I did not purchase this book. Thank you BookSirens for the ARC and thank you Michele for existing 🫀.