How To Be a Professional Mourner

by Matt Forgit

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF SOMETHING DEAD WAS ATTACHED TO YOU?Something evil is following Sam Wagner. A malicious spirit that whispers terrible things to him, ordering him to commit heinous and violent acts against the innocent. Sam makes his living as a professional mourner, hired by strangers to attend funerals. After being drawn to a tombstone at his latest job, he finds his life and psyche turned
upside-down by a paranormal, unearthly presence.

Horrifying murders are occurring during his stay in the lakeside town of Croglin Low. Is Sam responsible for these gruesome crimes? What is the true identity of the unholy thing that haunts him? Can he stop this sinister being before it’s too late?

With the help of his sister Micki and forest ranger Lucy Tizard, Sam is determined to send the malevolent soul back to Hell.

AUTHOR’S NOTE/CONTENT
While this fictional story does contain moments of humor and lightness, it has several dark themes and scenes, including extreme violence, gore, death, curse words, depictions of self-harm and suicide, a brief scene of SA, and discussions about mental health, trauma, and PTSD. Nothing bad happens to the dog, though. She is a good girl and survives unscathed.

Genres: Horror

417 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 22, 2024

About the author

Matt Forgit lives and writes in New England. His interests include spending time with friends and family, annoying his better half, trying to be a cool uncle, scary stuff, movies, television shows, music, reading, eating, board games, creepy folklore, urban legends, spooky history, abandoned places, castles, islands, cabins in the woods, being near the ocean, and the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s. He is terrible with social media, dreams of owning a haunted bed and breakfast atop a cliffside overlooking the sea, hopes that someday Chopping Mall: The Musical becomes a reality, and doesn't normally talk about himself in the third person. For updates, random thoughts, horror recommendations, and general nonsense, please like and follow “Matt Forgit Author” on Facebook.

Reviews

[Phrique · Rating 5 out of 5]

We as authors are storytellers, carrying on the grand tradition from ages before us. In the horror genre, sometimes it’s done with a message/sometimes it’s just b/c you like innocent people being put through a wood chipper. Whether you consider authors using their elder-god-given talents for bad or for good is up to the reader’s discretion. So it’s with discretion that I warn you about a seemingly innocent but very dangerous author. Matt Forgit lulls you into his wholesome, yet sad story; gets you invested in characters’ worlds; then rips their hearts out and shows them to you while they are still beating. He is a very good writer but a very mean person. Do not trust Matt Forgit. He will ruin your day.

Quick synopsis:
As advertised, our main character is a professional mourner. Hanging around a cemetery isn’t the most conventional 9-to-5, but it’s great if you aren’t the biggest fan of the living. Especially after the ordeals you’ve had to go through dealing with them. Life has been turbulent for Sam, but he seems to have found his niche and is making the best of it. That is, until he inadvertently brings his work home with him.

This is now my 2nd Matt Forgit book & while I’m no expert, my brain loves to recognize a pattern. You are pulled into a story that has some heart. There’s some sappy, wholesome, light-hearted moments with little hints of oop & oh shit moments. 👀 Then the gore hits the fan & Forgit pulls his Freddy claws out and slices you to the bone, among his smattering of hilarious puns & references. He’s still very mean tho. He really knows how to create a likable/loathsome character. No spoilers protip: Gird your heart & don’t grow attached to ANYONE. The entire last half of this story was filled with such gruesome scenes and frightening imagery that I was both appalled & impressed. Definitely not what one would expect from someone who had a pretty 2000-centric pop playlist at the end of the book. I recommend you don’t sleep on Matt Forgit or turn your back on him, ever. 👀

[Ben Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

One glance at cover and title compelled me to read this book, and I was not disappointed. It’s full of genuinely creepy scenes, the occasional laugh-out-loud moment, and solid characters. Excited to check out more of Matt’s stories.

[Brandon Perras-Sanchez · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fun and tense supernatural tale with an 80’s slasher flare to it. It’s funny, harrowing and well written. The characters are all really well developed and you will definitely form some bonds with a few of them. Go check it out!

[Shannon White · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a dark and brutal story! 10/10 recommend for anyone who loves gory horror stories!
Sam’s life has been incredibly difficult, and it only takes a turn for the worse after an encounter with a tombstone. Fortunately, he can move in with his sister in a nearby town, where he encounters a flirty and adorable man named Glenn. But several murders in the town weigh heavily on everyone—and no one is safe.

Props to the author for some of the most imaginatively brutal deaths I’ve ever read!

[Jamie Cassidy · Rating 4 out of 5]

"How To Be A Professional Mourner" was my first dive into the world of Matt Forgit. It was certainly an enjoyable read with similar vibes to Indie Great, Gage Greenwood.

Pros:
- Tons of heart written into the make character, Sam. I would bet Matt wrote a lot of his own insecurities into this character as he felt real & painfully vulnerable
- FUNNY! Forgit has a great sense of humor & there were multiple instances in which I chuckled out loud
- A few great spine chilling moments. Not the scariest book I've consumed, but definitely had a few genuinely creepy scenes
- Short chapters made the pacing seem very quick & episodic

Cons:
- Lots of characters, especially towards the end. Very difficult to keep track of who's who
- May have been overly long at 400ish pages
- I wasn't a huge fan of the onomatopoeia use. Trivial, maybe but it took away from some of the "jump scare" elements a bit

Overall: 3.5 stars
Quick Review: A solid read for someone who wants some classic tropes twisted into a deeply personal novel. While not perfect, I think Matt Forgit shows tons of potential and I would bet his best is YET to come! Very excited to read his other two books.

[Stephanie · Rating 4 out of 5]

How to be a Professional Mourner follows Sam, whose job is to attend the funerals of random strangers. After visiting the grave site of a stranger, something dark and sinister latches on to Sam. Soon, he begins hearing voices and having visions of horrific acts. But are these terrible deeds that were done by others, or by Sam himself? This book was heavy on the creep factor for me, with several truly chilling moments and a stunning ending I didn’t see coming. If you’re looking for something dark and spooky, definitely pick this one up!

[Tiffany McDonald · Rating 4 out of 5]

Long book but definitely a good. The ending totally caught me off guard but don’t understand if they were controlled by Clough or the demon that was controlling Clough….something to ponder

[Erin Wilczynski · Rating 5 out of 5]

Damn. Do NOT let this book fool you. Or maybe do let it fool you? I don’t dictate your life.

I am a sucker for a horror book that hurts your heart. Matt’s ability to weave the emotional struggles of the main character Sam, with the fast-paced, twisty-turny, blood-and-guts rollercoaster of a true horror book is almost masterful.

And it’s not often that I get caught off guard with an involuntary laugh while reading horror. I found myself chortling, thankfully in the privacy of my own home, at certain parts. The last time I couldn’t hold in a laugh while reading a book was when I read David Sedaris. So take with that what you will.


All in all, a wonderful book. Matt is definitely one to watch out for!

[Karen Oldman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sam is no stranger to funerals and graveyards, he is a hired mourner after all. But after he leaves a funeral one day an evil spirit attaches itself to him. At first, everything seems normal, and Sam just feels a bit more anxious than usual. As the story moves along, we meet a rich cast f characters as Sam is steadily more and more tormented.
The spirit directs Sam to commit heinous acts, and soon he is in a battle of wills with a force he can barely comprehend. When it becomes evident that this is more than an extreme manifestation of his anxiety and PTSD, Sam, his sister and a mix of characters including a debunked ghost hunter and psychic set out to discover the identity of the spirit and finally put an end to its reign of terror.
Matt excels at writing characters so deeply relatable and realistically flawed that I couldn't help but love them, and just about wish I could live in the world he created, evil spirits excepted.

[Kyla · Rating 5 out of 5]

As much as I loved The Felicitous and You Better Watch Out, I think this one is my favourite so far. I am still thinking about it almost a week later.
This book gave me the weirdest dreams which is the best compliment I can give to an author because that means that book stuck with me so A+.
I loved that even with all the creepiness and gore there was still the funny and lighthearted bits so it even everything out.

[ChanaReadsHorror · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am giving this a 3.5
We follow Sam who has a unique job of being paid to attend funerals for those that have nobody to come and mourn for them. One day he is leaving a funeral and stops by the grave of a woman who has recently passed. As he is walking away, an evil spirit that has followed her the majority of her life decides to attach itself to Sam and have him be the one to carry out its evil doings. As Sam's sister sees a change in Sam, she invites him to live with her to help him through what he is going through. As time goes on, people keep dying and Sam looks to be the prime suspect but why? They start to uncover what is haunting Sam and what it did in life and try to stop it now in death.

[Caleb Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of those "everything but the kitchen sink" novels. Matt Forgit twists elements of a classic slasher, a possession story, a haunting narrative, and even some hints of a whodunit. It's a tricky feat to pull off all of these things in one book, but Forgit does it admirably here, and the glue that holds it all together is an author with an obvious adoration and respect for the horror genre across all it's many faces. Throw in a very real, very human meditation on the reality of loneliness in the crowded 21st century, and you've got yourself a truly remarkable book. It doesn't hurt that the damn thing is just plain scary!

[Sam Allen · Rating 4 out of 5]

4 Stars

This was wild and I was not sure where it was going half the time.

One things for sure though is that that was one hell of a strong, evil ghost and Matt Forgit can absolutely be relied upon to write self aware stories.

This was genuinely scary, thrilling, funny and devastating at the same time. I was constantly on edge reading - especially for Maya the dog and Micki’s kids and heartbroken for Sam. I definitely don’t expect that final twist and was left a little baffled by that last line and what its implications are.

Not my first with this author, but certainly not my last.

[Ugh Leigh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Best book you've never heard of

You should read this. Your friend should read this. Your friend's friend should read this. Everybody you've ever met that enjoys a really good story, well done characters and some pretty oogie deaths should read this. This author has managed to create some of the most likable relatable characters I have ever read and I read like 500 books a year. But don't take my word for it you should read this book.

[Bridgette Singleton · Rating 4 out of 5]

At times I felt like I was reading a cheesy horror movie, the end gave me major “house on haunted hill” vibes, if that movie is your jam, this is the book for you. Four stars bc to me it felt like it dragged, there were points where there was too much going on/too many characters, was a bit too cheesy IMO, etc.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so creepy and unsettling that I could not read it before bedtime. I would read during the day, then turn to something much lighter. With that said, I loved this book. It was intense and kept me interested throughout. I did not expect the twist at the end. Highly recommend if you're looking to be scared!

[Kelly Allen-Kujawski · Rating 3 out of 5]

Great plot and story idea. Too many characters... toward the end it was getting hard to keep track of who's who and what's going on with who. With there were less people coming in and out of the story and more gore/murder/killing with the evil entity(s).

[Brennan LaFaro · Rating 5 out of 5]

Part love letter to the genre, part representation of its best aspects. Forgit expertly balances humor and character study, gently inserting eerie and unsettling moments lurking at the edges before lighting the fuse and letting Pandora's Box blow sky high.

[Robert · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a really good book in my opinion. I enjoyed all of the characters which made for one spooky horror book.

[Jenni Shinpaugh · Rating 2 out of 5]

I thought this was going to be a funny book. Boy was I wrong. I guess it was “horror”. It was very meh and hard to care enough to finish.

[Nicole Dauphinais · Rating 5 out of 5]

Creepy, gory, awesome ghost story 4.5 ⭐️

[Heather Harsch · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. It kept me guessing from start to finish!