If We're Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone?: How to Build Intimacy with an Emotionally Unavailable Partner

by Holly Parker, Laurence Bouvard (reader)

A step-by-step guide for coping with emotionally unavailable partners.

Living with an emotionally absent partner can be overwhelming. Constantly combatting outright hostility or overcoming subtle distance can leave you with the sense that the give-and-take in your relationship has disappeared. But with the right tools, even the most broken relationship can be reinvigorated.

Harvard University clinical psychologist Dr. Holly Parker has aimed her focus on helping real-world couples move forward toward a fulfilling future. She has developed a program filled with practical exercises and powerful advice for individuals on both sides of an emotionally damaged relationship. In If We’re Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone?, Dr. Parker presents her revelatory insights on topics such as:

• How to identify unavailable personality types, such as the Critic, the Sponge, the Iceberg, the Emotional Silencer, and the Defender
• How to create healthy emotional connections and boost physical intimacy
• How to eliminate habits that trigger self-sabotaging behavior
• How to set realistic goals for relationships

With patience, empathy, and willpower, Dr. Parker’s program can help you restore balance and peace of mind, and turn your damaged partnership back into a rewarding and joyful bond.

Genres: Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help

1 pages, Audio CD

First published March 3, 2015

About the author

Dr. Holly Parker (Dr. Holly) obtained her Ph.D. in Experimental Psychopathology from Harvard University and re-specialized in Clinical Psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst.

She is a practicing psychologist and lecturer, and is the author of WHEN REALITY BITES (Hazelden; August 30, 2016) and IF WE'RE TOGETHER, WHY DO I FEEL SO ALONE? (Berkley/NAL; January 3, 2017).

Holly lives in Boston with Guille, her extremely cool husband and kindred spirit, relishes running, studying Spanish, time travel stories, and The Walking Dead, and has no skill whatsoever in pet training.

Reviews

[Anne-Marie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I understand the premise bc emotionally limited people are dysfunctional-but I am sooo tired of it being the more emotionally available partner who has to do all the work. If I had a daughter, I would make her read this.

[Lynda · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting book that goes beyond putting people in "boxes" to finding new ways of communication, identifying possible triggers and issues and caring for yourself while experiencing relationship problems.

[Marlene Major · Rating 5 out of 5]

“If We’re Together, Why Do I Feel So Alone,” by Holly Parker, Ph.D., provides a beautiful description of how unconscious motivations, historical influences and real time relational dynamics play out in your current relationship. While this book is geared toward women, as a clinical psychologist I also recommend it to individuals who do not identify as female since the types of distancing is universal to all genders. Parker’s humor, insight and warmth accompany the reader in sometimes uncomfortable self-discovery as well as a deeper understanding of your partner. The great strength of this book is how Parker systematically lays the groundwork for the reader to see their relationship more clearly and gently walks the reader through a series of metaphorical decision trees, allowing the reader to weigh the pros and cons of their relationship with more insight, compassion for self and other, and tools to help with decision making around the relationship.

This book is a must read for anyone in a relationship. For the reader in a well connected, loving relationship, the evidence based insights will only improve communication and connection, paving the way for a richer, more joyful union.

[Kathy Heare Watts · Rating 5 out of 5]

I won a copy of this book during a Goodreads giveaway. I am under no obligation to leave a review or rating and do so voluntarily. So that others may also enjoy this book, I am paying it forward by donating it a local library.

[Christine · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is great and has provided me a lot of useful information. Holly's great and her book is beyond worthwhile if you need some guidance if you are in a strained relationship.

[Michelle]

Parker's grasp of unequal partnerships offers readers a program as well as advise, for a one-sided load.