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Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life
People with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorders are master manipulators; Caretakers fall for them every time. This book helps Caretakers break the cycle and puts them on a new path of personal freedom, discovery, and self-awareness, through the use of real stories and practical suggestions from a seasoned therapist.
228 pages, Paperback
Published August 14, 2014
790 people are currently reading
2832 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 199 reviews
November 10, 2020
I guess you could say this was the book that was part of finally setting me free. Excellent and helpful. Kind of like 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' only a lot more in depth as to what it's like for the person in the relationship with a BP/NP. The author has a keen understanding of what it's like and has a counseling practice specializing in helping those on the other side of the disorder. Very no-nonsense and motivating towards self-care and detachment in order to get one's life back on track.
April 7, 2016
This is one of the best books I have read, on interacting with NPD/BPD individuals. Fjelstad is brutally honest about the difficulties you have to deal with, as well as the often unhappy outcomes despite skillful behaviours. She asserts that walking on eggshells and constant caretaking will not work. Most caretakers already know that. But then, with great compassion for both the disordered individual and the caretaker, she offers up some very practical suggestions that can help make relationships function more smoothly. I liked her no-nonsense approach, and her absolutely non-judgemental stance throughout the book, but the reason I'm giving this 5 stars, is for the hope this book holds out to people struggling with tremendously difficult situations, people who often have little hope left. A light in the darkness of personality disorders!
June 26, 2020
It’s really shitty you’d write a book about a condition you don’t even have stereotyping everyone with that condition. The stereotype that Bpd people are awful people who are narcissistic is proven outdated and wrong, just cause you’ve had a bas experience with a bpd person doesn’t mean all are bad. Bpd is a trauma disorder, not narcissism
March 24, 2018
I was riding my bike this morning, the place where I do much of my thinking, and I thought of this book (which I read about about 5 years ago), and I wondered how many stars I had given it on Goodreads. I know how stingy I am with stars, and I thought to myself, I bet you didn't give it five. As soon as I finished my ride, I came here to Goodreads, and sure enough, I had only given it four. I just changed it to five. This book helped save my life. I think that it probably deserves five stars. I feel that I owe it to the people who need this book as much as I did, but haven't yet discovered it, to do my part to let them know that it exists. You are so much stronger than you have been led to believe.
March 27, 2021
It is clear that the author have had some bad experiences and most likely haven't researched or taken steps to understand someone suffering with borderline and instead just completely given in to all the stigma surrounding the illness. This book is build on outdated beliefs that people who HAVE borderline (it's a diagnosis not something you are!!) are manipulative and, to put it frank, dangerous which it anything but the truth. Borderline is a mental disorder developed as a trauma response.. People with borderline is terrified and fighting an unbelievable battle within themselves by cause of all the stigma, stigma the author just added to, isn't helping ANYONE.
Please do better.
Be better.
Please do better.
Be better.
April 28, 2020
Oh. My. Gosh. I cannot stress this enough: if you are a Caretaker (someone who constantly has to coddle and take care of) someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, READ THIS BOOK. This has completely changed my view of life, how I approach my life and how I want to deal with certain people in my life. It is eye-opening & tough, but extremely helpful in the end. I cannot recommend this book enough. Best of all, it's written in a simple, down-to-earth way and not filled with convoluted, scientific terminology.
September 9, 2021
I think some of the book is informative but the clustering of NPD and BPD without explanations of the variances of both spectrum disorders is unhelpful. For instance not all BPDS are explosive, angry or verbally abusive some are avoidant, or dissassociate deeply. Some pwBPD are also accountable and don't play blame game but also have no follow through. What the book does do right is give some examples of caregiving and bpd dynamics but this book is one of the reasons that self help will never replace actual psychology or therapy. I have read mainly psychology books this year and a big problem of pop psychology is making stereotypes to make a complex disorder more digestible to the masses but where that falls short is people will not think this book applies to them because the stereotypes don't fit. I remember I read a book on BPD 9 years ago and I thought it was nothing like the person I knew who then ended up being diagnosed with it by several psychologists later. So keep that in mind while reading this book. This book seems to be aimed more at UBPD or NPD traits. The books shine when describing the caretaker mentality. It should have mainly focused on that. That's also where we, the reader, can learn more about ourselves process what's true or false about such roles for ourselves, but the parts about people w bpd can be extremely stigmatizing for an illness that's already pretty stigmatized and that's why im giving this two stars.
February 23, 2022
As a mental health advocate with CPTSD who's been the victim/survivor of abuse from someone both with BPD and narcissism... it is extremely dangerous to be villainizing mental health disorders. Especially ones like BPD. The abuse I suffered was not because that person had BPD, it is because they were also an abuser. I know many people with BPD who are just living with trauma most could never imagine, yet trying to do nothing but good and working to better themselves and the world consistently. Most everyday people can't say the same. Blaming abuse on mental health disorders only further stigmatizes the cause. An abuser can be any person, disorder or not. And you can have a disorder like BPD, and not do horrible things to other people. Don't let books like these tell you otherwise.
Now, if goodreads could stop promoting this book through mental health groups where people go for a safe place to open up and grow into better versions of themselves, that would be great.
Now, if goodreads could stop promoting this book through mental health groups where people go for a safe place to open up and grow into better versions of themselves, that would be great.
November 1, 2017
I would recommend this book to anyone struggling with life with a borderline or narcissist spouse or perhaps close family member, but I didn't find it useful in thinking about those traits in a boss. It identifies how you might be acting as a "Caretaker" to those personalities, and how you can make positive change within yourself to get to a better place for decision making about your relationship, and even tricks you might use to make living with the NP/BP person easier (spoiler: act like you would to a two-year-old using distraction, long set-up times, reassurance, etc.), all of which seem possibly useful. It does fall victim to the self-help promotional problem I see in lots of these books, the "this book's way is the One Right Way, those other books or recommendations of friends are probably wrong" problem, but it does a good job of addressing concerns you might have that these methods are appeasement. However, I did not find the discussion of caretaking to be generic enough to apply to workplace relationships, although in fairness the quiz in the appendix identified me as a non-caretaker. Perhaps my work life is one of non-caretaker surrounded by caretakers and megalomaniacal narcissists? At any rate, my husband was sadly unphased by the appearance of this book by my bedside, as he does not suffer from delusions that he is secretly horrible and my reading this book confirmed those fears. Perhaps I will leave it on his side of the bed to check.
P.S. Am I the only one who can't read the words "seasoned therapist" without double-taking because the words read "seasoned the rapist" the first time?
P.S. Am I the only one who can't read the words "seasoned therapist" without double-taking because the words read "seasoned the rapist" the first time?
December 4, 2020
This was an emotionally difficult read. It accurately described my experience with someone who may have bpd, which is painful and heartbreaking to realize because the disorder takes good people and makes it difficult for them to love and be loved in the way they desire.
I gave the book 3 stars because it annoyed me the way the author sometimes said things like “why are you listening to a mentally ill person?” It felt like a put down on many levels. (Yet she also showed compassion for people with borderline and narcissistic personalities.)
I was also annoyed that she wasn’t a little more careful when she said that the caretaker allows certain behaviors from the bp/np. I get what she’s saying but it can confuse people who are in abusive situations — victim blaming.
Would be nice if future editions could be updated with gender neutral pronouns instead of the constant “his or hers” etc.
I did appreciate how well the author explained relationships with bp and np personalities because you cannot get a good sense of that from the dsm. I liked how she explained the dysfunctional development and thinking that leads someone into the caretaker role because it helps the reader understand their own issues as well.
The tips she gave on how to better relate to people with bp/np are helpful. They would take a lot of practice, ideally with a therapist. They seem exhausting but some people cannot leave or simply don’t want to so at least they are given tools to improve their lives and relationships.
I appreciated her compassion and lack of judgement for those who chose to stay in their relationships but was also very validating of those who chose to leave. She didn’t say “leave now!” like a lot of articles say because they lack the empathy needed to understand the dynamics and personalities involved.
People with bp are in a lot of pain and it makes me really sad, not in a pity way but more in a frustrated way because life is really hard for them and both diagnoses are highly stigmatized. It's also important to remember that there are different levels of intensity of symptoms for both disorders, and with bpd especially symptoms get better with treatment and age.
Overall a very helpful read.
I gave the book 3 stars because it annoyed me the way the author sometimes said things like “why are you listening to a mentally ill person?” It felt like a put down on many levels. (Yet she also showed compassion for people with borderline and narcissistic personalities.)
I was also annoyed that she wasn’t a little more careful when she said that the caretaker allows certain behaviors from the bp/np. I get what she’s saying but it can confuse people who are in abusive situations — victim blaming.
Would be nice if future editions could be updated with gender neutral pronouns instead of the constant “his or hers” etc.
I did appreciate how well the author explained relationships with bp and np personalities because you cannot get a good sense of that from the dsm. I liked how she explained the dysfunctional development and thinking that leads someone into the caretaker role because it helps the reader understand their own issues as well.
The tips she gave on how to better relate to people with bp/np are helpful. They would take a lot of practice, ideally with a therapist. They seem exhausting but some people cannot leave or simply don’t want to so at least they are given tools to improve their lives and relationships.
I appreciated her compassion and lack of judgement for those who chose to stay in their relationships but was also very validating of those who chose to leave. She didn’t say “leave now!” like a lot of articles say because they lack the empathy needed to understand the dynamics and personalities involved.
People with bp are in a lot of pain and it makes me really sad, not in a pity way but more in a frustrated way because life is really hard for them and both diagnoses are highly stigmatized. It's also important to remember that there are different levels of intensity of symptoms for both disorders, and with bpd especially symptoms get better with treatment and age.
Overall a very helpful read.
October 24, 2022
If a book was compassionately written about people who have bpd or npd, it wouldn’t be titled in a way that reduced people who are struggling with complex conditions to single word labels. Which continued throughout the book. People who suffer with these conditions are human beings not “the borderline”. Books on this subject matter are largely written by professionals who are most focused on getting people out of relationships with people who struggle with mental illness. These books are also normally not trauma informed, which in the amount I could stomach reading this book, it wasn’t either. Its getting pretty stale and old for stigmatizing books to be written on getting rid of a partner with mental Illness, particularly people with bpd or npd. The best books written on living with and loving someone who had bpd are the books written by professionals who have helped people struggling with it, or even better the books written by the people with lived experience themselves. Instead of biased books like this that further stigmatize these very misunderstood conditions.
The other frustrating matter is how this author has lumped bpd and npd together. These are two different conditions with very different ways that they effect the people living with them, and therefore different difficulties people experience interpersonally. A person with npd lacks empathy where a person with bpd has too much empathy. But of course that wasn’t highlighted.
All in all, not worth reading. If you seek a compassionate perspective on these conditions then it’s worth reading books like The Buddha and the Borderline or Get me out of Here. Books on dialectical behaviour therapy can also be very helpful for people living with someone who deals with a personality disorder.
All humans deserve love, companionship, understanding.
The other frustrating matter is how this author has lumped bpd and npd together. These are two different conditions with very different ways that they effect the people living with them, and therefore different difficulties people experience interpersonally. A person with npd lacks empathy where a person with bpd has too much empathy. But of course that wasn’t highlighted.
All in all, not worth reading. If you seek a compassionate perspective on these conditions then it’s worth reading books like The Buddha and the Borderline or Get me out of Here. Books on dialectical behaviour therapy can also be very helpful for people living with someone who deals with a personality disorder.
All humans deserve love, companionship, understanding.
February 21, 2017
I actually picked up this book just because my psychologist told me I have caretaker instincts. I was skimming several books at the time. From the time I read the sample chapters I was hooked on Dr. Margalis Fjelstad's work.
I wish she could change the title. This book does contain a great deal of information on caretaking borderline and narcissistic family members, friends, colleagues, clients, and partners. However, it really breaks down how all unhealthy relationships work.
I felt as if I was seeing into The Matrix with each passing page. Of course, Margalis Fjelstad can't always deliver haymakers, but the framework she builds is solid. I've found myself setting healthier boundaries and becoming more mindful in my relationships as a result of what she teaches.
This is highly recommended for anyone who feels they don't understand where a relationship of any kind can go wrong, and for those who are dealing with more seriously afflicted people. Good luck.
I wish she could change the title. This book does contain a great deal of information on caretaking borderline and narcissistic family members, friends, colleagues, clients, and partners. However, it really breaks down how all unhealthy relationships work.
I felt as if I was seeing into The Matrix with each passing page. Of course, Margalis Fjelstad can't always deliver haymakers, but the framework she builds is solid. I've found myself setting healthier boundaries and becoming more mindful in my relationships as a result of what she teaches.
This is highly recommended for anyone who feels they don't understand where a relationship of any kind can go wrong, and for those who are dealing with more seriously afflicted people. Good luck.
January 1, 2022
If you're trying to understand your relationship with somebody who has borderline personality disorder, I would recommend that you read this book along with Stop Walking on Eggshells. The latter title helps you to understand the other person, and this book helps you to understand yourself.
Here's the thing. If you're immersed in such a relationship -- in other words, if you're a caretaker -- then you've got problems yourself. You probably don't have a personality disorder, but your own personality deficiencies have allowed this other person to control your life. And you'll probably be unable to rid yourself of this relationship or at least set the right boundaries if you don't understand what's happening in your own psyche, don't understand how your own low self-esteem and do-gooder tendencies are enabling the abuse.
This author gets it. I get the feeling that she's counseled hundreds and hundreds of people trapped in such relationships, and it felt as though she were writing directly to me.
Here's the thing. If you're immersed in such a relationship -- in other words, if you're a caretaker -- then you've got problems yourself. You probably don't have a personality disorder, but your own personality deficiencies have allowed this other person to control your life. And you'll probably be unable to rid yourself of this relationship or at least set the right boundaries if you don't understand what's happening in your own psyche, don't understand how your own low self-esteem and do-gooder tendencies are enabling the abuse.
This author gets it. I get the feeling that she's counseled hundreds and hundreds of people trapped in such relationships, and it felt as though she were writing directly to me.
November 24, 2021
Reading it the second time was even better.
Absolutely awesome.
After reading several books about Cluster B personality disorders and severe emotional immaturity, I think that this book is a very practical and comprehensive guide for how to protect yourself against and break away from narcissists and borderlines.
If I were to recommend just one book to someone dealing with these issues, it would be this one.
As a sort of an aside, it can be difficult for people with empathy to fully understand that people without it exist. That is because we use empathy to understand other people to begin with. However, some can only be understood through research.
Absolutely awesome.
After reading several books about Cluster B personality disorders and severe emotional immaturity, I think that this book is a very practical and comprehensive guide for how to protect yourself against and break away from narcissists and borderlines.
If I were to recommend just one book to someone dealing with these issues, it would be this one.
As a sort of an aside, it can be difficult for people with empathy to fully understand that people without it exist. That is because we use empathy to understand other people to begin with. However, some can only be understood through research.
February 5, 2019
I recently read a NYT article from 2016 that stated that narcissism is increasing at the same rate that obesity increased in the 80's so I think more awareness of the negative effects & impacts of continuing to interact with these toxic personalities is needed.
This book provides some decent advice for how to deal with unhealthy individuals & what changes you can make in your own personality to avoid attracting future unhealthy individuals but it doesn't place enough emphasis on removing them from your life if possible.
This book provides some decent advice for how to deal with unhealthy individuals & what changes you can make in your own personality to avoid attracting future unhealthy individuals but it doesn't place enough emphasis on removing them from your life if possible.
February 8, 2020
Remarkable tool for anyone who is, or has been, in a family or intimate relationship with someone with borderline or narcissist personality disorders. Life changer.
Some main takeaways:
- 4 stages of understanding BP/NP: denial, anger, bargaining and depression; cycle until acceptance
- 3 stages of stopping caretaking: setting boundaries, letting go and rebuilding; cycle until true self care
- Model of communication:
1. When... (I hear a loud voice and sharp words/I expect dinner at 6pm and it isn't made until 9pm) /NOT using 'you' and blaming/
2. I feel... (angry and humiliated/taken advantage of) /again NOT 'you', ending the blame game/
3. I would like to (be talked to in a quiet voice/be told ahead of time that you'll be late/have this picked up right away) /BP/NP might be passive aggressive, or not respond - watch out. Healthy responses aren't like that/
4. If... I will... (if you can't lower your voice, I will need to excuse myself from this conversation) /Don't get taken advantage of, better stop interacting. MUST follow through or you won't be taken seriously/
- keep calm and composed. Be prepared for BP/NP to be upset, but don't give in. Must follow through with the actions you announced
- you do not have to give reasons for what you do or want. Normal people don't feel the need to justify themselves all the time. When questioned by BP/NP, divert the questions at them why they think that is important etc so that the focus is not on you
- very little gets changed with BP/NP by talking. Making changes requires taking new actions, not coming to agreements. E.g. If you don't like to have fights with BP/NP, don't respond defensively and argue, rather use the communication model. If you don't like living together, live apart. If you want something done that they stubbornly refuse, do it yourself. If the conversation is going nowhere positive, quit conversing. If you want to be more social, be social without BP/NP
- caretaking = thinking you know better and are more capable than BP/NP
- refuse to be superior or inferior, right wrong. BP/NP almost always play this game
- be totally responsible for yourself and not BP/NP. You are a unique individual
- stop being a victim (inferior). Be willing to accept the actual circumstances of your relationship with the mentally ill BP/NP. If anything is going to change, you will be the one to change it
- stop persecuting. Stop blaming others - instead of saying "you didn't..." -> "I want/I would like..."
- stop fixing and rescuing BP/NP. they will never change. You've been the caretaker to keep the delusion and the family together. But your rescuing only works for minutes. Giving up rescuing is an action, not a discussion - you stop interacting, you stop arguing, you stop worrying what they'll do next and you stop experiencing them to fulfill your needs
- if you choose to spend time with BP/NP, it's a voluntary decision. They act badly but it's your choice to be there so don't play their games. Stick with your word.
- you can't heal anyone else, only yourself, fact like gravity
- you can't count on or expect BP/NP to make any changes
- it's up to your what life you want to create for yourself
- you have control only over yourself
- nothing ever came out on trying to change him, so you have the full power your own behavior and thoughts - not feelings directly
- feelings are not facts - they are emotions (bodily sensations), thoughts and interpretations
- overreacting can be a product of transference (feelings from the past coming into presence) or anxiety over the future - and often over what BP/NP does and not you
- give up hope that BP/NP will ever change and please you
- give up guilt that they rage or threaten because of what you did. Just like you can't change or stop their behavior, you also can't cause their behavior and therefore you aren't responsible for their feelings or behaviors. BP/NP use guilt to manipulate and make you feel trapped in your belief that you are essential to them
- give up shame to love yourself enough to make the changes for life you really want
- find a role model, even from TV, to learn how to cope
- must go to therapy
- have friends
- be financially independent
- BP/NP will blame you for a lot, but they are not the right person to determine reality so don't take it personally
- projection = shifting their blame onto you
- you are never to blame for how BP/NP thinks, feels or acts, just like they are never to blame for your behavior
- if someone is treating you poorly and you're allowing it, you're agreeing with their estimate of your value. Don't allow anyone make you unworthy
- don't allow yourself to be dependent on them emotionally, financially, socially etc.
- learn self assertion
- BP/NP feel undeserving of love
- ask yourself: would I expect a 2 year old to keep promises or do chores, etc?
- use repetition and exit interaction
- BP/NP take their feelings as absolute facts and as ones that will last forever
- talking thinks out doesn't work with BP/NP. they rely only on action in the present moment. If the present is going well, keep it up. If it's not, decide what you need to do and just do it, like exiting. Emotional discussion won't work. But spend some time alone thinking about what you'll do next time and how you feel, because it will certainly happen again
- quit the compulsion to keep this a secret. Abuse thrives in silence. Do tell trusted friends, and call the police if abused
- reconsider if you want to keep this relationship. You have one life to live.
Some main takeaways:
- 4 stages of understanding BP/NP: denial, anger, bargaining and depression; cycle until acceptance
- 3 stages of stopping caretaking: setting boundaries, letting go and rebuilding; cycle until true self care
- Model of communication:
1. When... (I hear a loud voice and sharp words/I expect dinner at 6pm and it isn't made until 9pm) /NOT using 'you' and blaming/
2. I feel... (angry and humiliated/taken advantage of) /again NOT 'you', ending the blame game/
3. I would like to (be talked to in a quiet voice/be told ahead of time that you'll be late/have this picked up right away) /BP/NP might be passive aggressive, or not respond - watch out. Healthy responses aren't like that/
4. If... I will... (if you can't lower your voice, I will need to excuse myself from this conversation) /Don't get taken advantage of, better stop interacting. MUST follow through or you won't be taken seriously/
- keep calm and composed. Be prepared for BP/NP to be upset, but don't give in. Must follow through with the actions you announced
- you do not have to give reasons for what you do or want. Normal people don't feel the need to justify themselves all the time. When questioned by BP/NP, divert the questions at them why they think that is important etc so that the focus is not on you
- very little gets changed with BP/NP by talking. Making changes requires taking new actions, not coming to agreements. E.g. If you don't like to have fights with BP/NP, don't respond defensively and argue, rather use the communication model. If you don't like living together, live apart. If you want something done that they stubbornly refuse, do it yourself. If the conversation is going nowhere positive, quit conversing. If you want to be more social, be social without BP/NP
- caretaking = thinking you know better and are more capable than BP/NP
- refuse to be superior or inferior, right wrong. BP/NP almost always play this game
- be totally responsible for yourself and not BP/NP. You are a unique individual
- stop being a victim (inferior). Be willing to accept the actual circumstances of your relationship with the mentally ill BP/NP. If anything is going to change, you will be the one to change it
- stop persecuting. Stop blaming others - instead of saying "you didn't..." -> "I want/I would like..."
- stop fixing and rescuing BP/NP. they will never change. You've been the caretaker to keep the delusion and the family together. But your rescuing only works for minutes. Giving up rescuing is an action, not a discussion - you stop interacting, you stop arguing, you stop worrying what they'll do next and you stop experiencing them to fulfill your needs
- if you choose to spend time with BP/NP, it's a voluntary decision. They act badly but it's your choice to be there so don't play their games. Stick with your word.
- you can't heal anyone else, only yourself, fact like gravity
- you can't count on or expect BP/NP to make any changes
- it's up to your what life you want to create for yourself
- you have control only over yourself
- nothing ever came out on trying to change him, so you have the full power your own behavior and thoughts - not feelings directly
- feelings are not facts - they are emotions (bodily sensations), thoughts and interpretations
- overreacting can be a product of transference (feelings from the past coming into presence) or anxiety over the future - and often over what BP/NP does and not you
- give up hope that BP/NP will ever change and please you
- give up guilt that they rage or threaten because of what you did. Just like you can't change or stop their behavior, you also can't cause their behavior and therefore you aren't responsible for their feelings or behaviors. BP/NP use guilt to manipulate and make you feel trapped in your belief that you are essential to them
- give up shame to love yourself enough to make the changes for life you really want
- find a role model, even from TV, to learn how to cope
- must go to therapy
- have friends
- be financially independent
- BP/NP will blame you for a lot, but they are not the right person to determine reality so don't take it personally
- projection = shifting their blame onto you
- you are never to blame for how BP/NP thinks, feels or acts, just like they are never to blame for your behavior
- if someone is treating you poorly and you're allowing it, you're agreeing with their estimate of your value. Don't allow anyone make you unworthy
- don't allow yourself to be dependent on them emotionally, financially, socially etc.
- learn self assertion
- BP/NP feel undeserving of love
- ask yourself: would I expect a 2 year old to keep promises or do chores, etc?
- use repetition and exit interaction
- BP/NP take their feelings as absolute facts and as ones that will last forever
- talking thinks out doesn't work with BP/NP. they rely only on action in the present moment. If the present is going well, keep it up. If it's not, decide what you need to do and just do it, like exiting. Emotional discussion won't work. But spend some time alone thinking about what you'll do next time and how you feel, because it will certainly happen again
- quit the compulsion to keep this a secret. Abuse thrives in silence. Do tell trusted friends, and call the police if abused
- reconsider if you want to keep this relationship. You have one life to live.
December 2, 2024
Informative and enlightening. A lot of useful information even if you're not a "caretaker". It felt a little longer than necessary.
November 29, 2025
How to Victim-Blame for Fun and Profit
Apparently, I’ve been doing this whole "survival" thing wrong. According to Margalis Fjelstad, the secret to stopping the soul-sucking vortex of abuse is simply to… wait for it… choose to stop.
Wow. Groundbreaking. Why didn’t I think of that? Here I was, thinking I was trapped in a psychological hostage situation with a predatory narcissist who views me as a human battery, but it turns out I was just being a "caretaker" with poor time management skills!
The reality is that people get trapped in toxic relationships. some are so confused that they do not even know that they are in a toxic relationship. The victims who wake up and realize that they are being abused do everything in their power to break free. But getting yourself free from a predator (nartcissist/borderline) requires lots of work, and planning because the predator sees you as an asset/resource and they will not allow you to leave.
People living in toxic relationships are living against their will. of course, they want the abuse to stop.No body enjoys financial and emotional rape.I have never met a person who told me that their dream is to be abused. Narcissistic abuse is like a gang rape-one person raping you in multiple ways.
Telling a victim they have the power to "just stop" the abuse is like telling a bank it allowed itself to be robbed because it was holding cash. It’s victim-blaming dressed up in clinical jargon.
Victims do break free from toxic relationship when they create a good plan to escape the clutches of the predator.
If you are actually looking to escape the clutches of a predator who has the empathy of a snake, do not read this book. You don’t need a lecture on how you’re "enabling" the snake biting your neck; you need a weapon and a map.
Instead, go read The Art of War: Survivor Edition.That is what you are in: a war. You need strategy, counter-intelligence, and a battle plan, not a guilt trip. Also, pick up Thomas Erikson’s Surrounded by Psychopaths so you can actually understand the enemy you’re fighting, rather than pretending you can "love" them into sanity.
Apparently, I’ve been doing this whole "survival" thing wrong. According to Margalis Fjelstad, the secret to stopping the soul-sucking vortex of abuse is simply to… wait for it… choose to stop.
Wow. Groundbreaking. Why didn’t I think of that? Here I was, thinking I was trapped in a psychological hostage situation with a predatory narcissist who views me as a human battery, but it turns out I was just being a "caretaker" with poor time management skills!
The reality is that people get trapped in toxic relationships. some are so confused that they do not even know that they are in a toxic relationship. The victims who wake up and realize that they are being abused do everything in their power to break free. But getting yourself free from a predator (nartcissist/borderline) requires lots of work, and planning because the predator sees you as an asset/resource and they will not allow you to leave.
People living in toxic relationships are living against their will. of course, they want the abuse to stop.No body enjoys financial and emotional rape.I have never met a person who told me that their dream is to be abused. Narcissistic abuse is like a gang rape-one person raping you in multiple ways.
Telling a victim they have the power to "just stop" the abuse is like telling a bank it allowed itself to be robbed because it was holding cash. It’s victim-blaming dressed up in clinical jargon.
Victims do break free from toxic relationship when they create a good plan to escape the clutches of the predator.
If you are actually looking to escape the clutches of a predator who has the empathy of a snake, do not read this book. You don’t need a lecture on how you’re "enabling" the snake biting your neck; you need a weapon and a map.
Instead, go read The Art of War: Survivor Edition.That is what you are in: a war. You need strategy, counter-intelligence, and a battle plan, not a guilt trip. Also, pick up Thomas Erikson’s Surrounded by Psychopaths so you can actually understand the enemy you’re fighting, rather than pretending you can "love" them into sanity.
April 24, 2020
This has given me a lot to think about. It also reminded me of the work I did in Al-Anon.
I have found myself in relationship to people who I try to help, thinking I am helping my fellow human, but I am always disappointed or let down. This book shone a light on why I am Caretaking people, that it was a behaviour I learnt in my family of origin. As I now find myself helping in the care of my elderly father, I really needed to read this book (the recommendation for this book actually came from a website of Caregivers for elderly parents), I was getting upset because all I got was complaining and criticism (a bit of ridicule thrown in as well) and had begun to get depressed that my relationship with my father would never be loving. Well a BP/NP cannot really consider the feelings of others, they are simply incapable, and it has taken the pressure off me. I no longer get depressed that I have such a lousy relationship with my father, I accept what he is capable of (looking after his wants and needs) and don't blame myself because he can't show any love or gratitude. I talk less, I don't get involved in daily squabbles, I realise when I am about to get "hooked in" to old behaviour patterns and I leave the situation. This book has helped me to look after myself and not see this as being selfish, rather to see it as being normal.
I have found myself in relationship to people who I try to help, thinking I am helping my fellow human, but I am always disappointed or let down. This book shone a light on why I am Caretaking people, that it was a behaviour I learnt in my family of origin. As I now find myself helping in the care of my elderly father, I really needed to read this book (the recommendation for this book actually came from a website of Caregivers for elderly parents), I was getting upset because all I got was complaining and criticism (a bit of ridicule thrown in as well) and had begun to get depressed that my relationship with my father would never be loving. Well a BP/NP cannot really consider the feelings of others, they are simply incapable, and it has taken the pressure off me. I no longer get depressed that I have such a lousy relationship with my father, I accept what he is capable of (looking after his wants and needs) and don't blame myself because he can't show any love or gratitude. I talk less, I don't get involved in daily squabbles, I realise when I am about to get "hooked in" to old behaviour patterns and I leave the situation. This book has helped me to look after myself and not see this as being selfish, rather to see it as being normal.
March 14, 2015
In its three units, this is a great book reaching out to whoever (especially Caretakers, including Codependents) needs affirmative answers to their seemingly many open-ended questions and concerns that inevitably arise and bother them in such relationships.
Unit I offers an accurate characterization of the dysfunctional mysteries of the Caretaker's relationship with a BP/NP. Although repetitive, Unit I gave a holistic reflection and a deep insight into a lot that's going on in such relationships by which Caretakers in particular become entrapped. It also projected how the relationship would carry on, based on observational research and analysis.
Unit II starts in Chapter 10 with the author's review of the five stages of grievance. Being already familiar with them, I found this chapter very interesting, informative, guiding and counselling. The author added three stages of her own that fit the Caretaker's context. Upon starting to read Unit II, one can realise the message of it (letting go and healing). So far so interesting!
Along with Unit III, it's all about the very talk of rationality many Caretakers avoid, defer or pretend it's not needed, while it's the most urgent thing to do. Excellent mindful read!
Unit I offers an accurate characterization of the dysfunctional mysteries of the Caretaker's relationship with a BP/NP. Although repetitive, Unit I gave a holistic reflection and a deep insight into a lot that's going on in such relationships by which Caretakers in particular become entrapped. It also projected how the relationship would carry on, based on observational research and analysis.
Unit II starts in Chapter 10 with the author's review of the five stages of grievance. Being already familiar with them, I found this chapter very interesting, informative, guiding and counselling. The author added three stages of her own that fit the Caretaker's context. Upon starting to read Unit II, one can realise the message of it (letting go and healing). So far so interesting!
Along with Unit III, it's all about the very talk of rationality many Caretakers avoid, defer or pretend it's not needed, while it's the most urgent thing to do. Excellent mindful read!
January 6, 2018
Saved My Life
This book saved my life. After living with BP/NP relationships over the years, this book finally gave me the answers I was looking for. Now it all makes sense. If you feel like you can’t quite put your finger on why some of the closest people you love act in certain ways, read this. It’ll spare you the emotional drain and daily strain that takes away from you being able to truly live your life to the fullest.
This book saved my life. After living with BP/NP relationships over the years, this book finally gave me the answers I was looking for. Now it all makes sense. If you feel like you can’t quite put your finger on why some of the closest people you love act in certain ways, read this. It’ll spare you the emotional drain and daily strain that takes away from you being able to truly live your life to the fullest.
October 24, 2018
Listened to the audiobook and I couldn’t be more grateful that my local library had this! It helped me in more ways than one and as I listened to it, it felt like a book that was built just for me.
If someone that you love has borderline personality disorder this is a MUST READ!
If someone that you love has borderline personality disorder this is a MUST READ!
May 18, 2021
“Knowledge permanently changes how you view yourself and the world.”
June 2, 2024
I found parts of this book very useful, both in terms of understanding people with these disorders and ways to effectively navigate interactions with them.
May 16, 2022
haven’t read it but the title gives away how shit it is
November 14, 2019
Good info, can be applied to other similar mental health issues as well.
April 18, 2022
An absolute must-read for anyone who is related to someone with BPD or NPD. Will probably reread it several times- it gave me names for things I’ve always known but never been able to/allowed to believe. A reminder of the transformative power of books to shift our perspective and lens.
November 4, 2024
While geared more towards romantic or peer relationships, I still found a lot of helpful advice regarding the parent/child dynamic
April 19, 2019
I've been reading books on codependency. Tons recommend twelve step groups and give the same advice and definitions, often quoting each other at length. This book did none of that, although there were some 'blink and you miss it' references to twelve step philosophy. This book was laser-targeted to my situation, and I nodded at nearly every sentence at first. Some of this, I knew. Other information and portrayals were chilling. While I didn't agree with everything in this book, it's a fantastic resource if you're looking for something more than Codependency 101. I got a lot out of it and am glad I read it. I have a feeling I might be reading it again at some point.
August 31, 2021
You’ve heard it before, but I would give this book six stars if I could. The oversimplification of narcissistic-codependency relationship descriptions predominant in most online resources I’ve come across hasn’t quite sat well with me, and I’ve found it often not enough relatable, which reinforced the self doubt. It was such a relief to see how much complexity and nuances are acknowledged and integrated here. I don’t know who needs to read this, but you are not crazy. Please make sure to read/listen to this book for your own sanity.
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