Gay and Catholic

by Eve Tushnet

In this first book from an openly lesbian and celibate Catholic, widely published writer and blogger Eve Tushnet recounts her spiritual and intellectual journey from liberal atheism to faithful Catholicism and shows how gay Catholics can love and be loved while adhering to Church teaching.

Eve Tushnet was among the unlikeliest of converts. The only child of two atheist academics, Tushnet was a typical Yale undergraduate until the day she went out to poke fun at a gathering of philosophical debaters, who happened also to be Catholic. Instead of enjoying mocking what she termed the "zoo animals," she found herself engaged in intellectual conversation with them and, in a move that surprised even her, she soon converted to Catholicism.

Already self-identifying as a lesbian, Tushnet searched for a third way in the seeming two-option system available to gay Catholics: reject Church teaching on homosexuality or reject the truth of your sexuality.

Gay and Catholic is the fruit of Tushnet's searching: what she learned in studying Christian history and theology and her articulation of how gay Catholics can pour their love and need for connection into friendships, community, service, and artistic creation.

Genres: Catholic, Nonfiction, Memoir, Sexuality, Religion, Christian, Theology

215 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Eve Tushnet is a writer in Washington, DC. She has written for publications including the Atlantic, Commonweal, The American Conservative, the New York Post, and the online editions of the New York Times and Washington Post. She mostly covers the arts, from forgotten punk films to the US National Figure Skating Championships. She has published fiction in Dappled Things, Doublethink, and Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet.

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meet one of the hardest books I've been asked to read and one of the most important books I've read and one that should be a must-read for everyone today.

Being gay isn't just a hot topic, it's a hard topic. I mean, who am I to speak of it? But then again, who am I to keep quiet?

This topic affects us all: it impacts those who face same-sex attraction, whether they're the ones struggling with it or the people on the sidelines watching and (hopefully) supporting.

Tushnet has, in just over 200 pages, given us a glimpse that's raw and challenging. It's not easy to read, in part because, wow, she's not so different from me, is she? It's honest and raw and it will make you examine assumptions you might not have even known you were carrying.

While the title may lead you to think that this book only applies to your reading list if you are gay, know someone who's gay, or have an interest in the topic, let me toss you this: I gained as much insight about my own vocation as a married woman as I did about Tushnet's vocation as a celibate gay. There was a relational quality in her writing, one that acknowledged the others in her life. Her self-awareness extends and invites us in, forcing us to consider who we are.

This book is not light reading, but I couldn't put it down. It's a book you deserve to read.

[Cecilia Cicone · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I’m one of the people we’re supposed to worry about.”
I wish every spiritual book was this raw so that we could honestly see the work that God is going. This is a must-read book for not just every Catholic but every person of faith.
The book is well-researched (I was surprised to see one of my former college professors cited even though she is *not* a moral theologian) and decidedly in-line with Church teaching. It’s also challenging in that regard in a way that seems to truly be connected to the Sacred Heart and the reality that humanity and all that we experience isn’t quite as neat as we wish it was.

[Ngaio · Rating 2 out of 5]

I struggled with this book. Not because it wasn’t well written or well thought out, but just because the underlying concepts of it conflict with so much of what I stand for. I’m a firm believer in reading books from alternate point of views, however, so I supressed my initial reaction.

I actually found it quite a thought-provoking book. Ms. Tushnet came to Catholicism later in life than most, choosing to be baptised in her twenties. She came out in her teens so this was not the typical raised-in-a-faith-that-conflicts-with-my-identity story. The first half of the book details some of her experiences discovering her sexuality and her path to faith. I found her conscious decision to join a religion that has some pretty difficult restrictions for her sexuality to be an interesting story. I also concede her point that while a lot of material has been written on the experience of being homosexual and Catholic the discourse has been heavily dominated by men. Her assertion is that a woman and lesbian’s voice in the discussion is an important addition and I agree.

There are a lot of misconceptions about the stance of the Catholic Church on the issue of homosexuality. Tushnet relegates the theology to an appendix, but a working knowledge of the basic positon of the church would be helpful for most readers. My understanding is that the official position is that homosexuals (and the whole LGBTQ spectrum) deserve the same respect, dignity, and human rights as heterosexuals—bearing in mind that individual members may twist the church’s teaching how they like: religion is a great cover for underlying bigotry. The Catholic Church is rather famously traditional and conservative. They’re slow to change and as such tend to be behind the curve on social issues. That said they’re neither fundamentalists nor bigots in their core theology. The one sticking point, of course, is that they believe that sex is only okay within a heterosexual marriage which means that if you’re gay and you’d like to have sex you’re a bit hooped.

Please note: I am not defending the church I am merely stating its position. [My sources for this information were the official Catechism of the Catholic Church and my conversations with several priests on the subject].
Tushnet is likewise skipping that discussion as her focus is less on convincing her readers of her position than it is looking at how one might structure a celibate life once one has decided to have one. She does not really engage with the Church’s position as much as she assumes that if you’re reading the book you probably already agree with her on some level or are at least open-minded enough to be curious. This is not a political book and she neatly avoids punditry which I for one appreciated. I also liked her honesty policy. She is very frank about her addiction issues, her sexuality and sex life, and her faith. The book is peppered with funny anecdotes such as “the Night of the Screaming Sweet Potatoes” that lighten things up as well.
She is very intelligent and well versed in gender theory. She is familiar with the Protestant-based ex-gay movement, but she rejects it firmly. I liked that she knew what she was talking about and didn’t just spew emotional based arguments at her readers like so many seem to on this subject.

My major irritation with this book is that even though she clearly states her disinterest in arguing theology; she definitely feels her particular choice to be celibate is the right one and that people who chose otherwise have chosen wrongly. She rarely comes out and says it, but it’s there and it got under my skin.

People can decide to not have sex for any reason (or no reason) that they like including a religious one. I have no problem with that. My issue is with treating that like it is the only acceptable option which this book dances around but clearly represents. I feel like that attitude will be a turn off for many readers.

That said, if someone happens to have chosen to be celibate or happens to be asexual (different thing, I know) this book may have some valuable thoughts and resources. Tushnet claims to be writing mostly in order to provide resources to others who have a non-sexual life. She has a lot of good thoughts on friendship and the philosophy of love. There was a lot in here that felt like valuable content rather than just some attempt to sway.

I’m giving this 2.5 stars. There were parts that I liked and that were really thought-provoking. Other parts made me put down the book and count to ten.

I received a copy via Net Galley in exchange for an honest review.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

Update: I've been thinking of recommending this book and wanted to reread in case my impressions have changed over the past couple years. If anything, in a year that's been so fraught with controversy over the Church's pastoral approach to issues of sexuality, I appreciate Tushnet's honesty, humility (especially in making clear that her experience shouldn't be taken as The Universal Experience of Gay, Celibate Catholics) and compassion even more. And she's still wickedly funny.

****

First off, I think this was a phenomenal, brave and compassionate book -- must reading for any Catholics (gay or not) trying to navigate through today's society. I think there is plenty of room in Eve's candid discussion points for debate and disagreement, and I think that discussion is healthy for the Church*, especially as she kind of shatters both the typical "liberal" and "conservative" Catholic stereotypes. (I mean, she's a celibate, lesbian, Catholic convert who volunteers at a pro-life, crisis pregnancy center while making her living writing and speaking as a self-described "professional homosexual." Mind explode yet?)

I could see some points in the book as spurring the most controversy/discussion among orthodox Catholics, including:
-- her definition of vocation, at least as it comes across in the book
-- the idea of chaste, committed, same-sex friendships
-- her hope for theological development in the Church's language on homosexuality (namely, whether homosexuality in itself is "intrinsically disordered") -- albeit while stressing that development in doctrine doesn't mean *change* in doctrine.

So yes, room for conversation/debate, but I very much believe that the discussions Eve proposes could take place within the realm of orthodoxy.

Overall, the highest praise I can give Eve Tushnet for putting her heart into this book is that if I ever had a child come out as gay, I would hope he or she had a mentor like Eve. She reminds us all that the life of a gay, celibate Catholic is not one of solely negatives -- what you can't have -- and anonymity, but still has life-giving possibility. The life of abundance promised by Christ is open to all.

*you hear that, FUS?! I'm still appalled that they've kept her off campus.

ps -- I snickered a lot while reading. This is very funny, human, heartfelt writing!

[Kelsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Tushnet writes with authenticity, humor, and courage about her life as a celibate gay Christian, of how we are all called to love and care for one another in real, messy, difficult, and sweet ways.

[Fr. Peter Mottola · Rating 5 out of 5]

A poignant conversation story, quite frankly the best book on celibacy I've ever read, and a brilliant thesis on how the Church can become a welcoming environment for those who are gay while upholding Tradition. And it had me laughing so hard you would have thought I was reading Dave Barry.

This book is well worth your time if either homosexuality or Christianity is something important to you, and if both are, then this is absolutely indispensable reading. Eve Tushnet is a celibate gay Catholic who upholds the Church's teachings on marriage and thus finds herself in the difficult position of being looked upon as suspect (at best) by Christians who don't understand why someone would continue to self-identify as gay while at the same time being at odds with most gay communities. This is a difficult road: "I've never been ashamed of being gay that I can recall, but there have been many times when the frequent small, grinding humiliations of explaining my celibacy left me feeling worn down, resentful, and equal parts self-righteous and ashamed."

In order to help gay people live out their vocation, the Church needs to be a place "where we can be honest and where we can begin to come out to ourselves and to others in a space that may be safer than our homes and families." While many Christians are ready to help those who want to wholly renounce their former homosexual identity (Tushnet cites the "ex-gay" movement and apostolates like Courage), these approaches have been found helpful by some but not by all. She stresses that her experience has not been one of "struggling with same-sex attraction;" rather the "reason I continue to call myself gay," she writes, is because "being in love with women has usually made me a better person." The Church needs to welcome those who have found meaning within their gay relationships, although God will call such people to change the way they express their love. Drawing on a deep spirituality centered on the Cross, Tushnet writes: "the sacrifice God wants isn't always the sacrifice you wanted to make. And when you know how ready you are to sacrifice a great deal, as long as you get to do it on your terms, it can feel especially painful and unfair when God asks you for something different, a sacrifice you never wanted. Good gay relationships are often sacrificial. They are loyal, vulnerable, forms of loving service, and a school for humility and forgiveness. But they aren't the sacrifice God is calling you to make." But we in the Church can hardly expect people to rise to such a challenge without our support. "Sexual wholeness is more a property of communities or churches than it is of individuals."

At root her proposal is a re-evaluation of how we in the Church talk about vocations. "Our refusal to honor or even imagine important vocations [for laypeople] other than marriage causes a huge amount of pain, loneliness, and a sense of worthlessness." Along the way Tushnet deftly points out the many ways in which the experiences of celibate gay Christians have parallels with those living other vocations, making her proposal relevant for gay and straight alike. She captures well the peculiar anxieties of this state in life: "Never knowing that there's somebody who will always take your call. Asking yourself who your emergency contact should be, rather than filling in the name without thinking about it. Feeling like you're burdening people when you need them, [...] even when you're really seriously in need." She quotes Joshua Gonnerman, who starkly expresses the problem: "The person who lives celibacy in the world has, in her or his life, the least and frailest support structures of all; yet he or she is expected to live chastity with the most general guidance and the fewest concrete examples."

What, then, can be done? Tushnet's answer (and I'm fully convinced of this myself) is that there must be ways for celibate people to become deeply involved in family life. "Knitting single people more closely into families is one of the biggest things the Christian churches could do to change the culture." She quotes Wesley Hill who recounts that "the 'after 30' friendships that I've made with married people have all depended in large measure on my married friends' treating me not as a frequent guest but like an uncle to their children." This requires families to welcome into the life of their homes celibate single persons, who in turn are called to be more radically available to their married friends. "For single laypeople living alone, it might be worth asking: Are there ways I could get a little closer to offering the on-call love my married and parenting friends so often must provide?" Tushnet admits that this "means giving up a lot of the perks that come with single life" and embracing many of the icky, gooey, sticky realities that come part-and-parcel with small children. "This is the price of admission to friendship with parents. It is totally worth it, but be prepared."

I got a lot out of reading this book, and highly recommend it to each and every one of you who have enough interest in the subject to have read all the way to the bottom of this review. I imagine that the primary audience, those who "find beauty, mutual aid, and solidarity in gay life, even though we believe we've found something much greater in Christ," will understand it on an experiential level that will make it resonate even more deeply. I hope that some day soon someone will write a book for straight celibate people that's this good and this honest. Eve Tushnet has given us something exceedingly well-written, thoroughly funny, and prophetic.

[Catherine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Necessary, but not sufficient -- and that's not discrediting the book, that's demanding more of readers to seek out other voices besides Eve's own wonderful and generous story here. This book presents a lot of food for thought, especially on the subject of vocational seriousness about celibacy as opportunity, and on the virtues and beauty of same-sex love. I can see it being frustrating for people who need a more specifically Catholic/specifically Christian set of reflections. Like, it's really easy for me to see this book being helpful regardless of and outside of faith. Like another reviewer said, this works as a secular celibacy and does not directly invoke the contemplative tradition we associate with that. I don't think that's a weakness of this book. I think that's a story to be told elsewhere, but one that I'm glad this book was here to remind me I wanted. tl;dr: This is great. I want more.

[ariana · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal. I have dipped my toes into ex-gay literature and was hesitant to read this alternate perspective -- mostly for fear of liberalism and a lukewarm stance against the related sin -- but am so very glad I did! Tushnet's point of view seems to be much more wholesome and fruitful (for my own self) and addressed fears I had but couldn't articulate with "ex-gay" rhetoric and programs. Where Dan Mattson's Why I Don't Call Myself Gay mentions in a brief chapter the "temptations of friendship", I didn't feel that he offered much of a solution. Tushnet knocks it out of the park with total humility and self-awareness (and genuinely funny humor). This is all without compromising Christian faith and morals. Caritas in veritate!

[Claire Gilligan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exceeded expectations by a long shot! Wow.

Tushnet doesn't try to explain or defend the Church's teaching; resources for that are found in her appendix. What she does instead is tease out some practical helps she's found in living out this teaching, both for gays trying to be celibate for religious reasons, and for straight people / families who can always be better at loving our gay brethren, especially those who are single/celibate.

Her chapters on friendship (a good third of the book) are very possibly the best I've ever read on the subject, and her words are relevant to every friendship, full stop.

I kind of want to buy this book for half the people I know! Just because it's so good (again, especially the friendship bits). If you read one book by a Christian, celibate gay person, it should probably be this one.

[Aimee Murphy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exceptionally well-written in a way that makes you want to keep reading. Clever and funny in a way that makes you feel like you're getting to know her more over the course of the book, while also being adroitly sincere and serious when it's called for. As a gay Catholic, I really enjoyed this, and I especially value the conversation about building friendships and creating our own non-heteronormative, non-nuclear chosen families. REALLY expanding the meaning of family to what the early Church understood! A fantastic memoir, though very different from my own story, that helped me remember why I am Catholic, and taught me some good skills for how to better live that out in my own vocation. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really recommend this for anyone with a traditional Christian view on homosexuality (which is to say, that those with same-sex attraction should be celibate) and also for those interested in how singleness can feel to Christians. She supports vowed friendships, which I don't know much about, but it's an interesting idea - not just for gay people, but other single and even married people. There are a lot of ideas about community and commitment to people besides the heterosexual nuclear family that will be percolating in my mind. Recommended.

[Annie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wesley Hill spoke highly of it.

[Jaime K · Rating 3 out of 5]

(Please note that when I say 'gay' I mean anyone with same-sex attraction, including bisexuals, just to keep it easier for me. I do not mean any offense to those with same-sex attraction who don't label themselves as gay/purely homosexual).

My rating is 3/5 because as a straight person, it gave me a bit of insight on gay Catholocism, but I feel like it offers much more insight on what it means to be a child of God and one within the Catholic faith. That is, we all feel the need to love others and be loved in return. We can express that love in many non-sexual ways, even if secular society frowns upon some things if there isn't a "label" attached to them.

For a "gay Catholic" book I feel it's a bit "meh"; for a Catholic book on loving others and finding joy in our vocations (even when there are challenges), it's decent.

I heard about this from a guest or host on one of the Sirius/XM Catholic Channel shows. I'm not gay, but someone in my family is. Even more relevant, that someone is female. And, as Tushnet points out, it's more difficult to find anything on Catholic lesbians than it is on gay Catholic males. This is an important book for any Catholic in order to open our minds and hearts to what it actually means to accept our sexuality along with the Church's teachings.

Tushnet goes through her history and past with regards to family, sexual attraction, alcoholism, and religion. She provides great insight on theology that many tend to forget: agreeing with and accepting aspects of the faith does not always mean that you agree with the leaders and what they may say that does not directly relate to doctrine. It also does not mean always being happy with the teachings or even fully understanding them.

She is clear from the start that what worked for her in terms of a religious central focus, books/articles/other reading material, and spiritual direction may not necessarily work for others. She is very aware that healing methods and intellect are not universal, and that we sometimes have to go through trials and errors to come to terms with ourselves and our lives. It's an important thing to remember, no matter your orientation.

It is VERY important to guide others to the Catholic faith by answering questions that are actually asked, and not assuming we know what they're interested in, especially if they are gay. It's also important for people to keep in mind that they may indeed need therapy - though for any wounds received from the past and NOT for being homosexual.

Being single shouldn't be considered a vocation; what a person does while being single can be. Because not all vocations are based on sexual attraction. After all, those in the religious life may not have been initially called to celibacy; working in a pregnancy center is not limited to specific genders or attractions; friendship comes in all forms. All vocations have sacrifices, periods of loneliness, and many ways to love others. Based on that last bit, Tushnet brings forward a theme that "celibacy is not enough for gay people and that [they] must cultivate an outward looking spirituality, which seeks to love and serve others" ( page 79). Non-homosexuals must also remember that 'being celibate' is indeed different for homosexuals and single heterosexuals, and not brush it off as if there aren't different challenges.

There is historical evidence of same-sex kinship/friendships, to where families were joined together. It's important to not let the fear that such friendships will become sexual hinder gays from forming such relationships and straights from encouraging them. Sexual sin can occur no matter one's sexuality, and close friendships are seen in religious orders, people who became saints, and the Bible itself. Additionally, the love of friends can further one's love of Christ.

Straights must ensure that unmarried [gay] friends are integral parts of our lives by continuously welcoming them into our homes. Gays in turn should reciprocate, and welcome married couples and full families into their homes. As Tushnet says, "Surrender control in favor of love" and “Knitting single people more closely into families is one of the biggest things the Christian churches could do to change the culture.” (page 126).
Being able to feel sympathy and solidarity with each other can help to prevent bitterness and resentment about our own situations.

- Tushnet brings up gay Catholics who I didn't even know were as such, including Oscar Wilde and Morrissey, the lead singer of The Smiths.
- She helps the reader to remember that when we believe we're closer to understanding the inherent meaning of an object (including living beings), we're noticing the fingerprints of the Catholic God.
- A person can indeed can be gay and Catholic. Thinking that there is something wrong with you and that your homosexuality needs to be "healed" can hurt you and the people around you more than accepting that you can't force an inner part of you to change.
- Anyone can deny what erotic attractions want without denying themselves love. But we also must remember that expressing love is not erotic/sexual in nature, especially since gay people receive that stigma.
- Intimate same-sex friendships are essential for our growth, personal understanding (and can solidify our sexual identity), and overall health.
- Christians, no matter their sexual orientation, cannot push God/church teachings on others. Doing so is harassment and not being a witness to the Gospels.
- There are insights on the challenges both gays and straights face, whether or not they are celibate.
- In the appendices, Tushnet explains common challenges to gay Catholics and provides suggestions that can be helpful.

[Lisa Powell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parents preview, of course, as with any book on serious subjects.
One of the best books I've ever read and possibly the best book for getting a sense of Catholicism. Recommend to everyone.

[Céline · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is full of so many deep insights. While not gay myself, I feel like I have grown so much in reading this book. Her chapters on vocation and learning how to recognize our needs and find meaningful ways to fill them that are in line with Church teachings has helped me gain some perspective on my own life, and her chapters on friendships and explorations on how deep platonic friendships can grow was beautiful to read, and something our society needs more of. I feel I have gone into a deep dive past culture and society of today and have glimpsed something that runs so much deeper, and far more lasting, of what it means to love.

[Katherine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book because before being about sexuality, or community, or even larger theological discourses, it is about the vocation to love which lies at the heart of the Catholic faith. Tushnet does not use her story as a tool or weapon to deduce and impose truth. Instead, she insightfully reflects upon her experiences to make sense of Church teachings, and to present an alternative to the vituperative rhetoric that tends to permeate both traditional and liberal camps. She argues that her gay identity is not a negation of her sexuality but a true vocation that merits further reflection and recognition in the Church.

By presenting her own understanding of her vocation as a gay Catholic, Tushnet fills a gap that many (myself included) didn’t even realize existed. It is not enough to encourage gay Catholics to be celibate. In one of her most brilliant insights that I quote on average thrice a week, she claims that God does not give us a vocation of “no” but a vocation of “yes.” This is a profound truth relevant to all Catholics: we are called to life abundant (John 10:10). Each gay, lesbian, bisexual, and trans* person is called to abundant life. How will we, as the Church, help them reach it?

I sincerely hope that this book will induce a new wave of thought and action among Catholics. We are in need of grace for a new spring time, and Tushnet gracefully presents an intellectual treasure with the capacity to significantly influence how the Church encourages LGBQ people to make “sincere gifts of self” (Gaudium et Spes).

Gay and Catholic is a celebration of vocation, love, and chastity. It is a love story about a God who takes away so that He may give (Job 1:21). What an imperative in a culture that paints Catholic teaching on sexuality as a negation of love. In fact, “love consists of a commitment which limits one’s freedom – it is a giving of the self, and to give oneself means just that: to limit one’s freedom on behalf of another” (John Paul II, Love and Responsibility).

[Grant Hartley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of two books (the other being Wesley Hill's Washed and Waiting) that I am able to recommend almost without qualification to both 1) straight Christians who wish to dive into the experiences of gay and lesbian Christians and 2) gay and lesbian Christians who want to dive into what it looks like to follow Jesus (and the Church's historical teaching on sexual ethics) well.

I could seriously gush on and on about how incredibly helpful and refreshing this book was, but I will try to keep it short. The two biggest strengths of Gay and Catholic as I see them are an emphasis on figuring out the "yeses" of the gay Christian life and not just the "nos" and an eye to addressing the practicalities of gay celibate life (What do I do when I have a crush? What does it look like for me to not only have a community and support system, but also be a part of supporting others? Intentional Christian communities? How can I make my church a more welcoming place for gay/same-sex attracted people?).

The book is written taking for granted the Church's traditional teaching on sexual ethics (sex is reserved for marriage between one man and one woman for a lifetime), so those looking to dive into apologetics on that issue will be disappointed. The book begins at the end of the answer to the question "What does the Bible say?" and instead addresses the question, "How do we then live?"

The book also requires little to no "translating" for it to be helpful for Protestant readers; oftentimes, Tushnet does the translating for you. Seriously, I recommend that this book be placed in church libraries, LGBT* resource centers, ministry offices, etc. Appendix 3 in the back (on how to make the church a more welcome place for gay/same-sex attracted people) is worth the price of the whole book. Seriously, buy it; I will be re-reading it for years to come.

[Fr. Peter Calabrese · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent. At one point the author says some times you just have to start the conversation. This book does just that. Eve Tushnet want to let the world know that there are men and women with same sex attraction that want to live according to the Church's Teachings. New models of holiness need to be shown and this book gets that task rolling.

She gives a balanced look at the issues. She does not claim to have all the answers. Therefore the reader has to continue to think. I am sure that as she and others move forward there will be additional lessons learned will prompt new reflections. The book is one that causes us to think and rethink not doctrine but our modes of approach. She encourages straight people to have courage and she challenges all to put Christ at the center.

For those who are in Church ministry the book offers insights to keep in mind. Likewise sh offers insights for friends and family and fellow parishioners of men and women with same sex attraction.

Particularly interesting is the treatment of friendship which she says, and I agree, deserves some attention on the part of everyone. While not a scholarly work per se the references look quite good and I will certainly take her up on the suggestion to read about friendship - both classics and modern reflections.

I will certainly buy a copy for our parish Give a book take a book shelf and a couple of coopies to give out as needed.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Possibly one of my favorite books of all time. My favorite chapter was definitely that about medieval friendship, how emotionally intimate same sex friendship used to be very common place and accepted, whereas nowadays 2 same sex friends can't have that type of friendship without anyone assuming they're in a homosexual relationship. It brought me back to when I read The Lord of the Rings. I cried when reading that, because from no modern author are you going to see a relationship akin to that of Sam and Frodo. An author can't write a relationship like that today without it being a romantic, same sex relationship, and it saddens me to no end. This book was also great because it defied the societal belief and teaching that if you experience same sex attraction, you must live out your attraction or else you'll be depressed for the rest of your life and maybe even commit suicide. No! You can be gay and celibate and still live a loving, beautiful, fulfilling life. But those who try and live that life find it incredibly difficult because society promotes the active gay lifestyle to the point that celibate gays are in the awkward, frowned ypon, unaccepted minority. Their stories need to be told too! If you're one of my offline/in person friends and live close to me, please please PLEASE request to borrow this book. I will gladly loan it to you. I think as many people need to read this as possible.

[Gina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Tushnet was raised in a secular Jewish family and came out as a lesbian in her teens, to a supportive and affirming family. During college, she attended a conservative society meeting primarily to “troll” them, and found herself in conversation with a Catholic who impressed her and set her on a path to conversion.

She continues to identify strongly as a lesbian and with the LGBT community, as well as a Catholic who chooses to adhere to the Church’s teachings on all things including sexuality, marriage and gender.

Tushnet highlights the ways that the Church and wider society has an impoverished view of celibacy generally and friendship specifically, illustrating a vision in which those who choose to remain celibate for reasons other than a religious vocation (i.e. priesthood or religious orders) could be incorporated much more richly into the fabric of families, parishes, and communities in a mutually beneficial and enriching manner.

Whether or not you are voluntarily celibate or love someone who is, Tushnet’s book offers many interesting and convincing proposals for how we could all be served well by being more creative and generous in how incorporate people outside of traditional nuclear family units or religious orders into our own lives and communities - in a mutually supportive configuration, rather than treating such people as charity cases.

[Cristine Tancredi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest, interesting, vulnerable, and somehow effortlessly funny even with the subject manner. Eve is obviously well aware of how different groups of people may perceive her for her life choices, her identity, and also for her openness about her addiction. And frankly she's very good at lightheartedly reminding those potential readers that they too have a plank of wood in their eye. Christian life in general is at various times suffering or joy. More often than not, it is both at once. I think Eve illuminates that well and offers a perspective on celibate gay life that most Christians, especially American ones, conservative or liberal, have not actually considered in full. Regardless of whether you agree with her conclusions, they are nuanced and holistic in their articulation. An impressive account. Excited to read her fiction and get a totally different flavor of her writing!

[Connor Curts · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read the first 3 chapters for a class and decided I would finish it on my own... But I’m just not really sure what the point of the book is? She says quite a bit of good stuff about celibacy and finding her identity and living this life while having a relationship with God. But it didn’t really feel like there was a real wrap-up or endpoint to the book. And maybe that was the point, since she is clearly not at the end of her journey. But as a book, I ended it thinking “and? What next?”

It’s OK, and maybe if I myself was gay or had a person much closer to me who was gay, it would have meant something more, but I came away from this kind of feeling like it was just an amalgamation of her thoughts and parts of her life story.

[Dean · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a good book. (I am not Catholic but I’m not sure my own Anglicanism got in the way! That said I did find the Catholic perspective interesting and it did soften my heart towards my other brothers and sisters in faith.)

This book is deep and thought provoking. It is also practical and not simply theological. I like Eve’s written voice and testimony. (I have also heard her speak on the ‘The life on side B’ podcasts). Whilst all the chapters were interesting and enjoyable I particularly liked the penultimate chapter called ‘Challenges with your vocation (chapter 12). Eve covers a lot of content her including: ‘you are never all the way out’, ‘Representative hypocrisy’ and ‘to come first for someone.’ I feel like this book could do with a second read.

[Emily Heimerman · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book is well written and deeply personal. Bravo!
If ever I find someone in the church who struggles with acceptance, this will be the first book I’ll recommend.

My favorite chapter was only two pages and it was about how life is a duality of two crowns, the crown of thorns and the crown of stars. “We can’t always see this while we’re in pain; A lot of the time, you do have to just put your head down and endure. But there will be times when you can begin to understand your suffering and see it as part of your relationship with God.”

I only gave it four because (at times) I found myself sometimes setting the book down.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a cross between a memoir and self-help. Ms. Tushnet presents an easy to read account of her story as a gay woman who converted to Catholicism and has chosen to remain celibate in accordance to the Church teachings. I was drawn to this book to gain a better understanding of how she has paved her path. Many of the lessons she writes about can apply to anyone regardless of their sexual orientation. It is a great primer for those who are in church ministry of any kind to get a feel for the needs of same-sex attracted Christians.

[Emily Hartung · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this insightful read. This is Eve's story she is not speaking in generalities but about her own experience's. I think this was really important to remember in reading this. I enjoyed her honesty. Understanding her struggles with and overcoming of alcoholism played a large role in her life and yet she never stopped searching and found her faith. I found this to be a beautiful reminder that it is our mess that leads us to Jesus and helps us find our own apostolate and unique way of serving.

[Elliot · Rating 5 out of 5]

Genre: non-fiction

Notes: This book is actually helpful for lgbtq people!!!! It doesn’t go into biblical arguments for or against gay marriage/relationships and the “morality” of “the gay lifestyle” (which is incredibly refreshing not to have to read), but gives a guideline for how one could live out celibacy. Hallelujah! I wish more lgbtq Christian books, both for gay relationships and for gay celibacy, were like this. We don’t need to hear any more about the “clobber passages,” we want to live our lives and be loved!!!

[Abby Glann · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent look at what a deep love for God and faith looks like in the context of being gay. I really enjoyed the discussion of devoted friendships (looking up St. Aelred) and including singles (whatever their orientation) in family life. The disconnect and individuality of American life is hard on so many people, but I am sure it's especially so for those leading a lifestyle that most of American society doesn't understand or cannot relate to.

(I read this for our library's yearly reading challenge category of LGBTQ love story/romance. Love is discussed often, in a variety of ways.)

[Sasha Wolf · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quick read with a lot of common sense in it, from someone whose sincerity shines from the page and who does not gloss over the difficulties. It doesn't go into the reasons for the Church's stance on same-sex relationships, but takes it as a given and offers encouragement to those who choose to try and live by it, from someone who has the lived experience to underpin what she says. It does also provide a reading list for people who want to explore the underlying arguments.

[Samuel Rood · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest, wise and human. I have to think through many of the particulars of Tushnet’s perspective, but this is a thoughtful and thought provoking book for people committed to a traditional biblical understanding of sexuality while also trying to love our LGBTQ neighbors, not to mention sisters and brothers in faith. I recommend reading immediately after reading Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill, and then comparing to Rosaria Butterfield for a different take.