You Will Not Recognize Your Life

by Micaela Blei

Can you really conjure the life of your dreams? And what if you say the wrong spell?

It’s 2006. After a string of rejections from men who tell her they could never, ever, ever see her “that way,” awkward third-grade teacher Micaela Blei signs up for a mysterious course called “The Divine Feminine,” and feels like she might have found the key to the perfect life.

Turns out if you’re an A student, you can get an A in anything–including men. Pretty soon she’s learning to "conjure" her desires with vision boards, flirtations, and even a daring jumbotron viewing party for her, ahem..."divine center." But the more Micaela aces her assignments, and watches her most unlikely dreams come true, the more she wonders: Is her perfect new life the real thing, or is there a hidden cost to getting everything she thought she wanted?

Women have put themselves through a lot of f*cked up situations to feel valued and lovable. This is a sharply funny, often painfully relatable true story featuring the great tropes of early 2000’s romantic comedies: self-discovery, dating disasters, epic makeover montages, and finding love where you never thought to look.

Genres: Audiobook, Nonfiction, Memoir, Humor, American

Audible Audio

Published December 12, 2024

Reviews

[Jessica Woodbury · Rating 4 out of 5]

A short one, but very enjoyable. That idea that a memoir is just a person telling you a story about themselves is thrown around a lot, but listening to Blei that is really what it feels like. Having her as a reader makes her feel like a friend by the end. Quite a compliment. This is funny and poignant, would have liked a little more of what happens after she realizes she's gone about this all the wrong way.

[Gina Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this in one shot. Absolutely brilliant storytelling, like a friend talking about her life and me just sitting there listening and laughing and crying. Truly, a work of art. Loving, daring, vulnerable, so funny. So right and so beautiful.

[Rochelle Barker · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a randomly selected book off of some audible list and I had no idea what it was about. Could not have guessed the story the author was going to tell, but definitely entertaining hearing about a cult like divine goddess program offered in the 2000’s.

[Stella · Rating 3 out of 5]

It is interesting how even when you’re trying to elevate yourself as a woman you still want to please men. She had the power to break up with anyone and still, she always made sure that she wouldn’t hurt the man’s feelings. She would make excuses instead of being completely honest.
Paints the picture that women are made to pleasure men, even though we try being as feminist as we can.

[HayTinaLou · Rating 5 out of 5]

She’s hilarious and honest. Enjoyed this read!

[Rylie Halliday · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was so funny. Like laugh out loud in my car and then wonder what’s going to happen next while I’m in my Pilates class funny. It was equally heartfelt :,) being a girl is such a THING and my goodness how are we to do it all technically correctly without compromising something important??

[Taylor Biscarr · Rating 4 out of 5]

wanted a fun and quick listen on audible (free for plus members) and I enjoyed this! felt like a podcast story time, was super binge-able, and had some laugh out loud moments. I think all women in their 20’s-30’s can relate to this with the trials/ tribulations of learning to love oneself, the desire to be in love, and dealing with insecurities.

3.75 but rounded up✨🎀🫶

[Stephanie Kraft · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️ Written like the author is chatting with a friend. Very funny!

[Blaire Malkin · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fun New Year’s Day listen about one woman’s experience doing a goddess course and her reflections on it 20 years later and how it helped her gain a more positive outlook and acceptance of herself.

[Holly | Raise Your Words · Rating 5 out of 5]

| 5/5 Stars | ★★★★★

Trigger Warnings for You Will Not Recognize Your Life​: Domestic Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Identity Loss, Mental Health Concerns, Grief, Depression, Anxiety, Body Dysmorphia.

You Will Not Recognize Your Life is an audible original memoir by Micaela Blei. In this memoir, Micaela Blei, a 3rd grade teacher struggling to find her sensuality takes a Divine Feminine course.

Not only did I listen to this in about two days, I immediately had to share it with my mom and grandma on our trip to the camper. I loved this SO MUCH. Blei's story is cute, fun, and clearly spoken from the heart. Blei talks through this so honestly and with so much humor, it's impossible not to love her. Both my mom and grandma asked if she was a comedian because they couldn't believe she didn't make people laugh for a living.

All in all, You Will Not Recognize Your Life was free and so much fun. It's totally worth grabbing it on audible if you need a quick, free read. This is the perfect read for a 3-hour car ride!

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[Biggest Little Book Talker · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lot of talk about the p**sy power.
Micaela decided to take control of her life by taking a course called the divine feminine instead of getting plastic surgery.
She was given a series of tools that allowed her to feel comfortable in her own skin and radiate that confidence so much so that it was able to affect those around her.
It is also a story of a young woman figure out who she is.
I love the author/ narrators voice and upbeat attitude which she contribute to this course.
I think there are good lessons and though I don’t think this is the best self help book I think it’s a story lots will be able to relate to and maybe something that starts someone on there self love journey.

[Jessica Cornish · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was clever and funny and fascinating. A great little read. It captures the mindset of the 90s and early 2000s so well. What a strange time to come of age.

[Krystal · Rating 4 out of 5]

She's an absolute trip... It was an easy/fun listen

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

No clue what I was getting into, but it was hysterical!

[Taylor Beaudry · Rating 5 out of 5]

I listened to the audiobook version and had moments where I was laughing out loud. Thoroughly enjoyed!

[Kelsey Allen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Such a fun listen, laughed actually out loud a good amount of times.

[Brittany Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was an enjoyable, relatable read. The author's voice is clear, entertaining and informative on her experience. I think I went in with more of a view that it was a self help rather than memoir vibe. Loved the journey regardless

[Kristie (fabk) · Rating 1 out of 5]

I tried to get into this one and it just fell flat. Gave up 75% of the way through.

[Monica · Rating 1 out of 5]

The narration was good however the story was not for me. I couldn’t relate nor found it interesting.

[Murray Annae · Rating 2 out of 5]

I gave up on this so many times and went back for no reason other than “maybe it gets better?” The prologue was the best part and where the actual message lay. The story itself felt like a fever dream phone call where you keep saying “wow, oh, wow” until it ends😅

[Claudia |✨Cushin Violeta's Bookish Realm✨ · Rating 5 out of 5]

A heart touching & gorgeous ride 😍

🆆🅷🅰🆃 🆃🅾 🅻🅾🅾🅺 🅵🅾🆁🆆🅰🆁🅳 🆃🅾:

✉️ Non Fiction
✉️ A fun & wholesome Memoir
✉️ How to be goddess with a Twist lessons 😉
✉️ Will have you giggling
✉️ Though provoking lessons and beautiful experiences shared

🅼🆈 🆃🅷🅾🆄🅶🅷🆃🆂: 🄰🅄🄳🄸🄾🄱🄾🄾🄺

So I had no idea what I was getting into when I started this one and it says it's a Memoir, so I was interested to see what this one was all about.
But, my goodness I had such a blast listening to it & didn't feel a dull moment at all.

So we have our dear author, Micaela Blei giving us solid life lessons and important introspections that she realized while taking us through some of the moments in her life that in some way shaped her to the person she is.

This audiobook is not complicated at all but has a very lively narrator, our author herself, telling us how she took this one course of being and feeling like a Goddess and the subsequent journey that followed while it made her reflect on her life choices and how some moments made her into who is and what she feels about herself.

OH.. Mind you, the course might have been a bit weird to listen at first, but the way Micaela describes it, I was giggling and having so much fun. (while also taking notes for myself😎😉) on how to unlock the inner goddess inside you and attract attention so easily like breathing.

I had so much fun listening to it as the voice is perfect but also along with the fun we get some beautiful lessons too and kudos to the author for being so forthright and having the courage to share those moments and experiences with the world that not only made you feel weak but at times embarrassed too.

Micaela Blei, you are definitely an incredible person and I wish and pray and hope that you do get that special someone in your life who not only loves and adores the beautiful woman you are but cherishes the gift of such an amazing person.

Highly recommend this audiobook. Definitely a must listen. Loved this one.❤️❤️

[Joanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don’t know whether it is because of my period coming or not but this book made me cry. I am trying not to give too much praise to my vag even though the author would love that for me. Instead I will say that the emotion that I felt as another person in their twenties is an overwhelming amount of empathy and sadness for the person who the world thinks you should be and desire and the contrast to what you deserve. I thought about joining a cult while reading this and when I got towards the end I felt so disappointed I just started to cry. How do you actually permanently change your social perception without changing who you are as a person? Still looking for ways to achieve it.

I’d say this book is probably, writing wise, more worth a 4 than a five but the delivery it was brilliant and overall warm. I just wish there was more detail.

[Sam Nace · Rating 4 out of 5]

A transparent journey through a discovery of self-love, goddess style. Micaela, like so many of us, tried a wild and different approach to becoming the best version of herself. Being open to her own possibilities of growth and joy took her down some incredible roads to fulfill her dream of finding love. What she discovered was the stuff of modern fairy tales, and lessons learned. Throughout her story, she becomes more vulnerable, sharing the cringy—real life—stuff we all know, think, or experience, but rarely say out loud. In doing so she is a breath of fresh air that allows us to breathe deeply and ponder our own paths, however messy, healthy, gorgeous, or whatever we think about ourselves in the quiet moments of uncertainty. Sit down with Micaela and become friends as she shares how she now loves her life and her body, the gorgeous, the icky, and the silver lining of it all.

[Tango · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was free and it held my interest so not all bad. I could see where early 20's me might have identified a bit because of the extreme pressure at that age to find The One, but a few decades later I just found the MC rather immature, dependent, superficial, and downright cringe sometimes. When I read about young Micaela, I kept wondering why this young woman doesn't have more career aspirations, look for exciting volunteer opportunities, or get a dog. Instead she spends a lot of money for advice that has a woman focus on her genitals? Um, yeah, no. From the epilogue, it sounds like she did mature and gain some wisdom, but I didn't feel any sense of life enhancement from this story.

[Allyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an absolutely hilarious and brutally honest memoir about a woman learning to embrace her womanhood. The amount of times I heard “pussy” and “steroid enema” was probably more than I expected but I still found myself smiling & laughing in the gym while listening to a story about a woman becoming a sister goddess. I lowkey wanna take madam V’s class after this too, too bad it’s not 2005 anymore. Not really a self help book but there’s some good lessons to learn, if anything it’s just a cute and silly and wildly crazy memoir.
Listened to this for free on audible plus.

[Alyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a totally random Audible pick for me, and I ended up loving it way more than I expected. Her storytelling is sharp, funny, and surprisingly heartfelt
Also, it’s a short easy listen and fast-paced. And it’s full of witty, self-aware humor, but underneath all the giggles I had, I liked it because it also dives into real themes like self-worth, insecurity, and how our choices shape the lives we end up living. Weirdly was helpful
Highly recommend to the girls (and anyone else who loves a good, vulnerable, laugh-out-loud memoir vibe)

[Karezado · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think that this is one of my favorite listens of ALL TIME! She had me laughing out loud, thinking about myself--my past, my present and what I want my future to look like. She was down-to-earth, funny, compassionate and it left me feeling optimistic and understood. I know that if ever I start feeling down about myself, I will pull up this audio and give it another listen, since I think it's something all women should hear.

[Charlie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I laughed at sometimes silly therapeutic antics, I yelled at the gaul a man can have, and I ultimately wished for a better ending, but that's just life sometimes. When Micaela was going through the Divine Feminine courses I was only in 6th grade. Reading her story now I think I may adapt some things, like asking my pussy what it wants for dinner. I think I read this at the perfect time--just on the precipice of 30. Definitely a fun read!

[Artemisia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very relatable and amazingly honest/transparent/bold autobiographical portrait of a woman trying to find their place a world they don’t see themselves reflected in.

I took a storytelling class with Micaela, and learned so much from her. Her storytelling abilities and ability to immediately hook and draw in listeners is evident throughout.

Made me chuckle a lot, gasp, and warmed my heart!

“There is something about moving through the world like it loves you, that makes it a little gentler.”

[Brandy Kiser · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not for everyone. It uses very colorful language. It takes you through the wild ride of middle school, the crazy 20somethings, to present day. Hating yourself, loving yourself, and the high and lows of both. If you are reading this for self help I wouldn’t but you should read it anyway because you need to chuckle at the outrageous things as people we will do to “better ourselves”. Have fun with it.