Sweet, But Not Pretty: The Legacy of Adoption Trauma and Recovery

by Nicole McAlevey

"Sweet, but not Pretty"

Those four simple words eat at the heart of my self-esteem. They somehow set the tone, confirmation that I was second-hand, not good enough to keep. The process of adoption absolves the state from the financial burden of my care. Thus, the stroke of a pen, and a rubber stamp tears me from my history and sets me on this path of loss.

Sweet, but not Pretty is my personal experience of being adopted, showing the challenges and prejudices I've faced, and ultimately how I made my way through.

I hope the experiences in this book can help others as they navigate their own adoption journeys.

151 pages, Kindle Edition

Published October 1, 2024

Reviews

[Hana]

Sweet, But Not Pretty allows the reader to consider adoption from the perspective of the person who had the least say in the original decision: the child. It is a shift in perspective, but one that changes the way we think about what adoption can mean over the course of a lifetime.

While it is a deeply personal story, the questions beneath it reach far beyond adoption. What this memoir surfaced for me was the diverse range of adoption experiences within the adoptee community. What stayed with me wasn't simply Nicole’s search for answers, but the larger questions raised about identity, belonging, and what happens when parts of that history have been decided, interpreted, and withheld by others.

I particularly appreciated that Nicole doesn't try to provide neat answers. Family, love, childhood, and identity are complicated, and the book allows that complexity to exist rather than trying to resolve everything into a convenient conclusion.

Perhaps that is what I valued most about Sweet, But Not Pretty. It introduced me to a perspective I hadn't properly considered before, while also prompting me to think about experiences and questions that extend well beyond adoption.

It is a book that stayed with me long after I finished it, and one I am very glad I read.

It is definitely worth reading.

[Giovanna]

Sweet, but Not Pretty is a deeply moving and insightful exploration of the lifelong impact of adoption on adult adoptees. With raw honesty and emotional depth, Nicole sheds light on the hidden struggles many adoptees face, from identity confusion to the complexities of reunion and healing.

What sets this book apart is its intimate storytelling. Nicole doesn’t just share personal experiences—she weaves them into a broader narrative that resonates with adoptees and those who love them.

Her voice is both vulnerable and strong, inviting readers to witness the emotional rollercoaster of adoption trauma while offering hope and validation.

One of the book’s greatest strengths is its ability to articulate feelings many adoptees struggle to put into words. It acknowledges the pain of separation, the search for belonging, and the societal myths that often silence adoptees' experiences. Yet, it also highlights the resilience and transformation that come with facing these challenges head-on.

For anyone seeking to understand the adoptee experience—whether an adoptee, adoptive parent, or therapist—this book is essential reading. It is a heartfelt, necessary contribution to adoption literature and a testament to the power of speaking one’s truth.

[Andy Sowden]

Nicole’s Sweet, but not Pretty hit me right in the feels—it’s a raw, honest look into her journey as an adoptee in New Zealand, and an interesting journey it is. Knowing her personally, I’m blown away by how bravely she lays it all out: the sting of being labelled “second-hand,” the messy tug-of-war between her adoptive life and her genetic roots, and that gut-wrenching title phrase that had such an impact. As someone not adopted, I never fully got the invisible layers adoptees carry, but Nicole’s story gave me a true insight into adoptees of that era. It’s not all trauma, though—her grit and humour shine through. If you’ve ever wondered about adoption’s hidden complexities (or just love a real, unfiltered human story), grab this book. Proud to know someone who turned their pain into something this powerful. 💛

[Tracy Singer]

Thank you Nicole for sharing your journey through the highs and lows of adoption in this book.
It is writers like you that are opening up the unsaid narrative of what our lives were truly like.
Pristine on the surface but treading through a murky undercurrent to try and keep buoyant, while navigating a universe not comfortable with the need to know our birthright.
A huge acknowledgment for choosing this creative outlet to heal.
From one dedicated researcher to another. Kia kaha.

[Michael Sean]

This powerful book describes the author’s adoption journey from childhood through to adulthood. Recounting her story with extraordinary courage and honesty, the author reflects on how being adopted affected herself and both sides of her family. This insightful memoir will resonate with anyone who has taken part in an adoptees journey.

[Luba]

I really enjoyed this book, it took me less than three days to read. I have heard the struggles adoptees went through, but it was never described in such detail, I felt like I was going through the same emotions as the author. This book is extremely informative on this subject and also how someone might go about finding their biological family.

[Lynne]

Really enjoyed this book, thought provoking even for a sibling of and adopted child.
Well written and insightful. I will and have recommended to others.....

[Fiona Smith]

An emotionally brave piece of writing - every adoptee will find this story relatable. Highly recommended.

[Francesca .]

A hard hitting tale on the topic of closed adoption in New Zealand. Well written, sad at times but filled with hope.