SPF Me

by Holly Wilde

Enjoy a small tale about a holiday fling with sentient sunscreens. Summer is packed and ready for her weekend getaway. Maybe a little too ready, considering she brought along enough sunscreen to last a lifetime. Little did she know, the new skincare line from Sentientscreen comes with a mini surprise.
This is a story where the filth is the plot. If you're looking for something substantial, you won't find it inside these pages. What you will find are miniature men with miniature members. Just don't let that fool you into thinking that they can't make a big impact where it counts.

Genres: Why Choose, Erotica, Adult, Novella, Smut

Unknown Binding

About the author

If you’re looking to escape the boundaries of reality that we are so often confined to, then look no further. Sentient-smutty-smut and literal personification of everyday items is what you’ll find here.

Hi! it’s nice to meet you, I’m Holly “no-explanation” Wilde, and if you don’t buckle your seatbelt up for this ride, your chair will do it for you.

Follow me over on IG to get updates on my latest releases!

Reviews

[sashenka 🖤 · Rating 2 out of 5]

I want to apologize to someone for making her read that because right now, I wish I was blind.

[Pasha Repeta · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thought the book about door was brilliant, but this surpassed anything I'd seen before.

[yulia✰ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was sobbing with laughter when I read this😭😭

[Taylor thebookfaes · Rating 4 out of 5]

mom, i can explain —


no actually i don’t think i’ve ever laughed more

[Jessica Weal · Rating 1 out of 5]

I miss who I was before I read this book

[Nes' world · Rating 3 out of 5]

God forbid a girl scared of skin cancer.

That was a FUN ride, but wtf did I just read honestly. Favorite quote was: "I can feel their hands inside me as they give each other a high five, the thin walls of my insides serving as the only barrier between their celebration."
And that's all I have to say.

[April Wheeler · Rating 3 out of 5]

another fun one from holly but not as good as some of her others.

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

What a wild ride. Read as a laugh with some friends, absolutely cracked up all the way through. Will never look at sunscreen the same again.

Favourite quote: “only his little feet are left, kicking and tickling the skin of my gaping hole as it closes around him”

[lön liest · Rating 3 out of 5]

cremt euch ein, leute, bevor es eure sonnencreme für euch tut

[Liliana Campione · Rating 1 out of 5]

Why does instagram recommend this to me, and more importantly, why did I read it? Would not recommend but, it was definitely a unique storyline i’ll give it that!

I hesitate to put it as read here because it was a short story so not a full book, but whatever, my reading goal means nothing because I don’t read anything of substance anyways LOL!

[ladybreww · Rating 5 out of 5]

a million stars

I have no notes. This is perfection. I howled. Probably the funniest book I've read all year. My highlights will stay private.

[Izabela Marcinkowska · Rating 4 out of 5]

If not for my book club, I’d still have a shred of sanity left.
Some fantasies should never leave the brain.
Some substances should never gain sentience.
And SPF Me did both. Violently.

This book made me question everything—my skincare routine, my dignity, my will to live.

And yet… I laughed. I gasped. I highlighted.
4 stars for the pure audacity and the unhinged chaos that is sentient sunscreen sex.

Do I recommend it? Only to my enemies. Or people who like Ice Planet Barbarians but wish it had more… SPF 69+.

[Nerdy.Scientist.Reads || NERDY · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5/5⭐️ I’ll never look at sunscreen the same again. This was hilarious

[Kerry · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little sentient object KU fun in the sun for summer.

[Shannon McCullough · Rating 2 out of 5]

WTF did I just read…

[Nicole Crawford · Rating 3 out of 5]

naughty sunscreen

[Bria · Rating 1 out of 5]

Is this a quick 6 minute read? Yes.
Did I take a 4 day break from it when I was halfway through? Also yes.

There is something so incredibly off putting about 4 “men” the size of sunscreen bottles having sex with a regular ass sized woman. It’s giving George Shrinks as an “adult”.

Let’s start with the types of sunscreen because you best believe home girl came STOCKED with this bougie ass, “nut based”, “organic” sunscreen. Girly pop has zinc, a spray, spf 69 (yes, really) and a stick sunscreen. Why she needs all this AND not one but two bottles of regular degular spf 30 non organic stuff for her friend (because one is also expired, why she didn’t check before packing it is beyond me) is a question for anyone but me. She’s clearly got a sunscreen fetish or something.

Now I don’t understand how these sunscreen men came to life, but as soon as her friend leaves for a nap they’re like “yo what’s up girl, can I climb inside your asshole” (I wish I was joking) girl is so on board that you know she’s experimented with household items before, maybe she’s got a hairbrush at home missing her, I don’t know and honestly I’m sad that I even thought of that then.

What happens next is so off putting I quite literally put this down for 4 days. Home girl has one of them climb inside of her vagina and start massaging her g spot, one of them climbs into her asshole (they high five each other too - my therapist will be hearing about that Eiffel Tower adjacent literary crime) one of them climbs into her mouth as some sort of weird blow job, is it a blowjob when you’re sucking on the entirety of the being? I don’t know. And the final one, spf 69, true to his name gets into the said position and sucks on her clit. Now it couldn’t be a true 69 unless he was also getting some action of his own, but hold up, he’s a bottle of fucking sunscreen and one of his buddies is already inside her mouth (not that he could reach that far) so what does he put his tiny dick in? HER BELLY BUTTON.

After she’s satisfied they all stand over her, good thing she’s laying down because they could never otherwise, and essentially bukkake her with their sunscreen cum. In fact they stroke their FINGERNAIL SIZE DICKS until she is plastered with an ungodly and quite frankly impossible amount of sunscreen cum. Does she lick it up at one point? Yes, it’s organic nut based, so it doesn’t taste like chemicals allegedly. They then proceed to massage the sunscum (TM) all over her because sun safety.

1 star, and I wish it could be 0, because it gives me very big green army men from Toy Story vibes and the idea of 4 pairs of tiny hands all touching me at once is enough to send me into sensory overload.

[Libbie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was.....

Well it was certainly a story that I read.

Kinda gave me the Heebie jeebies tbh

[Biblio · Rating 5 out of 5]

HOLLY. I’m dead. What a perfect story to pick off summer with a very important message- always be packing SPF(s), plural. Sentientscreen is here for all your summer skin care needs. Creamy and nut based, a truly horn- I mean luxe experience. SPF 69 anyone?

“I’m much too vulnerable to the sun's penetration, when I really just need your penetration.” (Me putting on sunscreen with my fancy sunscreen every day this summer now)

[Holly · Rating 2 out of 5]

Four bottles of sunscreen come to life, grow some arms and legs and give our holiday goer the best holiday experience EVER!!

Smut was weird, but short lived. Why didn't she question the sentient sunbottles? I know I'd have a sexy experience with them too, but I'd have to get over the shock first?

[Bianca Jordan · Rating 4 out of 5]

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Spice 🌶️🌶️🌶️

If you want a down and smutty pick me up then this is the book. It has a small plot line but that’s not what the book is about 😏
The part where zinc is shot out from the intensive organs she has had me giggling

[Kayla Weldon · Rating 1 out of 5]

I cannot say wtf was that enough. I’d like to bleach my eyes. 22 pages on nonsense is what that was. I should’ve known better. I was on the verge of tears bc why?

Girl… are you ok? Why’d you write this???!

[...Bookshocker... · Rating 1 out of 5]

Per la rubrica dei libri con il trope "Oggetti strani e dove infilarseli", questo è sicuramente il peggiore 🙈
4 tubetti di crema hanno girato uno spin-off a luci rosse di "I viaggi di Gulliver"... era meglio ispirarsi a un altro film, ma soprattutto rivedere il cast 🤣

[Robyn G · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've said it once and I'll say it again, Holly Wilde's brain, I'd love to be in there for a while because these books are something else!
A woman and her sunscreen.
Brilliant!

[Darkbookghoul · Rating 3 out of 5]

As someone who wears SPF everyday I couldn’t resist picking this one! Like all of Holly Wilde’s short books this one was really funny and enjoyable. Good book if you need a laugh.

[Amanda [Novel Addiction] · Rating 3 out of 5]

I couldn't help myself. I saw it, and had to read it. Kindle Unlimited is very dangerous.

[Charlotte Trimble-Harris · Rating 2 out of 5]

spf bottles that come to life as tiny men.. a weird one that i won’t be able to look at spf the same

[Stacie Butcher · Rating 3 out of 5]

BOTTLEHOOD

[Chris F · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ok so listen,

[Jenica Lara · Rating 2 out of 5]

YOOOOO WHAT!?!

Ngl I saw this on an IG reel and was like fuck it let’s do it and YO WHAT!?! 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I’m only giving it this many stars because I was dying cause SURELY THIS CANT BE SERIOUS?? lmaaaaoooo