we stan the criminally underrated miss joanna levesque in this house 👑👑👑
incredibly forthright in a way that i don’t think i would be. she speaks about toxic relationships and various addictions (she makes it a point to be clear that addiction is not just drugs and alcohol, but in her case, also food and sex), and not just in a “bad things happened to me” way, but also in a “i did bad things” way, like cheating on her boyfriends, her own toxic behaviors in relationships, and driving while blackout drunk. and it’s never framed in a way that is downplaying or excusing her behavior, either. it’s just raw honesty about her own flaws and mistakes with an admirable kind of self-reflection and awareness. as she puts it, “i considered myself a bad person who repeatedly engaged in flat out toxic behavior. quite frankly, i was sick of my shit.”
she’s also incredibly upfront about not really liking the majority of the music she’s put out, as she was steamrolled by everyone on her team and basically forced to make music she didn’t want to. as a fan, it’s a little disheartening to know that some of my favorite music from her is music she didn’t even want to make and views as artistic compromise, selling out, and inauthentic. mad love was one of the best albums of 2016, and i really thought that was going to be the album that marked when she got to finally make the music she really believed in, so it’s a bit of a bummer to know that wasn’t the case. but it really speaks to her talent and dedication that her music, specifically her voice, can sound like that even when her heart isn’t in it. it’s incredibly sad to learn that it took 17 years of being in the industry as an artist putting out music for her to finally be able to create an album that she actually wanted to make and believed in (“spiral szn” is that bitch!).
and there’s of course all the details of her career, especially when she was very young. right off the bat, the name she’s known by is “inextricably linked to someone else’s vision of what my career should look like,” something she struggles with as an adult. then there’s the lengths they went to make her appear older than she was at 13-14, from the lyrics of the songs written for her by grown adults to the hair and makeup and stuffed bras to setting her music video in high school to dodging questions about her age in interviews...she even tells a story of blacking out at 14 after adults gave her alcohol on tour and casually mentions the grown men who were pursuing her when she was 14...that’s the type of shit that puts kids in danger. it is absolutely bananas that not a single adult around her was looking out for her, that put her above the potential money she could make them.
aside from dangerous situations when she was a child, her label and manager? big yikes. what the hell was going on over there? they legit tried to control every single aspect of her life, choosing what music she put out, leaving her in limbo during the label’s issues, keeping her in a contract for years after it was legally null and void, driving a wedge between her and her mom (how many stories are there of parent/child relationships being ruined by industry folks because the parent was the only one looking out for the kid? ffs.), policing her body and forcing her to lose weight, telling her not to (publicly) date black men and not allowing her to have black love interests in her videos, like. what the fuck!!!!
one of the most engaging parts of this is her relationship with her mother. going from her mom doing everything to help her dreams come true and trying to protect her as a child in the music industry and them being a little team to her mom being verbally abusive and threatening suicide, the downward spiral of her mom’s relapse and depression and the effect it had on their relationship is so sad. and especially the role people at her label played in their rocky relationship, purposefully driving a wedge between them (encouraging her father to try to get custody of her, not out of concern for her, but to ice her mother out of her career? absolutely fucked), and her understandable growing desire to get away from her mother and her influence being at odds with her love and concern for her mother.
she also touches on how it took being an adult to really empathize with and understand her mother and view her in a much kinder way. there’s just something about mother/daughter relationships that’s a breeding ground for toxicity. the way so many of us don’t even see our mothers as humans until we’re adults is wild. it’s a nice full circle moment when she lives with her mother again at the time of the covid pandemic and gets to really heal that relationship and bring it back to what it was before everything.
i will say, i’m a little surprised and confused by the way she skirts around naming things for what they are, like abuse and rape and sexual harassment, as well as her sort of understated way of talking about the people in question. a man locked her in a room with him and “wouldn’t take no for an answer” and she just called him a “creep.” dude’s a sexual predator, if not already an abuser. she described waking up from a blackout, naked, finding a used condom in the bathroom, and a text from the guy saying he had a good time, and when she called him he confirmed what she suspected and added that she was “begging for it” and “wouldn’t leave it alone” and he “didn’t know” she was blackout drunk, and all of her upset seems to stem from the fact that she had a boyfriend and feels what happened was cheating.
everyone is well within their right to view and understand their own experiences in their own way, but to me, i can’t see those situations in any other way, and i expected at least an in hindsight naming them for what they were. and i understand and respect not utilizing this memoir as an opportunity to call people out or make people into villains, but it is still a little jarring to hear all the things people did to her and her career and then her not really have anything negative to say about them. maybe i’m just a petty hater, but going through what she did, i would’ve had words.
all in all, this is an incredibly well written memoir (that she wrote without a ghostwriter) that does not hold back. it’s definitely up there with the best that i’ve read. i’m so happy for her that she has finally been able to spot and unlearn toxic behaviors, stand up for and trust herself, and find creative fulfillment (shoutout to her becoming a broadway girlie!!!!!). she deserves so much better than she got, and i hope we soon see a joanna resurgence.
content/trigger warnings; drug addiction, drug abuse, alcoholism, relapse and rehab, underage drinking, binge drinking, blackouts, drunk driving, overdose, death of loved ones, car accident, survivor’s guilt, loss/grief, poverty, verbal and physical domestic abuse, toxic relationships, love bombing, gaslighting, verbal and psychological child abuse (including a parent threatening their child with suicide), suicidal ideation, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, therapy, bullying, slut shaming, fatphobia, body image issues, disorder eating, starvation, binge eating, coerced dieting (including calorie restriction, weight loss medication, supplements, weigh-ins), sex, sex addiction, cheating, sexual coercion, predatory men, rape, victim blaming, toxic workplace environment, workplace sexual harassment, racism, colorism, police violence, covid pandemic,