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The Squirm Files #1
Squirm: Virgin Captive of the Billionaire Biker Tentacle Monster
A parody of everything great and weird in erotic romance that could be stuffed into one book without it exploding.
For some girls, one tentacle isn't enough.
Having a bad day isn't good but when Virginia Chaste has a bad day, she gets felt up by a tentacle monster. If it simply has to happen, let it at least be a billionaire and a hot biker.
Virginity isn't all it's cracked up to be and her search for the Holy Grail of Erotic Romance, the ten inch purple-headed schlong, may have finally borne fruit.
Yeehaw! Playing hide the tentacle has never been so much fun.
For some girls, one tentacle isn't enough.
Having a bad day isn't good but when Virginia Chaste has a bad day, she gets felt up by a tentacle monster. If it simply has to happen, let it at least be a billionaire and a hot biker.
Virginity isn't all it's cracked up to be and her search for the Holy Grail of Erotic Romance, the ten inch purple-headed schlong, may have finally borne fruit.
Yeehaw! Playing hide the tentacle has never been so much fun.
51 pages, ebook
First published May 1, 2014
38 people are currently reading
350 people want to read
About the author
Cari Silverwood
100 books1,220 followersCari Silverwood lives in Australia and is a New York Times bestselling writer of kinky darkness or sometimes dark kinkiness, depending on her moods and the amount of time she's spent staring into the night.
Check out this page to avoid falling into the wrong dark and shocking book, because she really does write some weird stories: www.carisilverwood.net/my-books-liste...
Sign up to get sales and new releases plus various odd stuff she puts into it (and a free welcome book) at www.carisilverwood.net/
You can reach Cari at carisilverwood1@gmail.com
or
on Facebook at www.facebook.com/cari.silverwood
Check out this page to avoid falling into the wrong dark and shocking book, because she really does write some weird stories: www.carisilverwood.net/my-books-liste...
Sign up to get sales and new releases plus various odd stuff she puts into it (and a free welcome book) at www.carisilverwood.net/
You can reach Cari at carisilverwood1@gmail.com
or
on Facebook at www.facebook.com/cari.silverwood
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Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 89 reviews
April 24, 2016
"I have one important question to ask you before I kiss you."
"What?"
"Are you allergic to calamari?"
So I finally found some tentacles, but they were not nearly as smutty as I was wanting them to be.
Seriously, with a title like Squirm: virgin captive of the billionaire biker tentacle monster, I was expecting a lot of sexy bits. This was basically the Scary Movie version of tentacle smut.
"Turn around and spread your legs so I can fuck you up against the wire. I'll get my cock in you so deep it'll need a directory to find it's way out."
I give it points for ingenuity and cleverness. I lost count of how many tropes were used and abused in this, and breaking the fourth wall was not something I was expecting from a tentacle smut read.
"I overheard a conversation. Was it true that you are a virgin, and that you have a bear trap in your pussy that chomps on cocks?"
It did have me laughing out loud at several points, but overall I needed more tentacle probing and a lot less inner monologue and story set up. But overall, a funny, entertaining read.
I can now happily wear the badge of Tentacle Pervert with pride. On to the next one!
Thanks for the buddy read Machalo Freaks! We love smut and we don't care who knows.
"Prepare to meet your tentacle, Virginia."
August 31, 2015
MacHalo buddy read
Super ridiculous! An intentional parody of monster erotica, unlike all the rest that's "real" and unintentionally funny, or at least I'm guessing so. The Tingler seems very serious about his work and not out to make laughs, but tingles.
This story is ridiculous, cheesy, corny, over the top evil villainess, perverted, silly, and tentacle filled. Lots of ridiculous quotes.
Super ridiculous! An intentional parody of monster erotica, unlike all the rest that's "real" and unintentionally funny, or at least I'm guessing so. The Tingler seems very serious about his work and not out to make laughs, but tingles.
This story is ridiculous, cheesy, corny, over the top evil villainess, perverted, silly, and tentacle filled. Lots of ridiculous quotes.
May 9, 2014
4.5 Squidalicious Stars
When Cari offered me an ARC of this story I was like....
After some further persuasion, I agreed to read it uttering something like 'well don't hate me if I don't love it.' My fears were unfounded, and I really enjoyed the story. It was the most fun I have had reading a story in a very long time.
Who knew tentacle sex could be so squidalicious!!
I don't normally use images when posted a review but for this story I simple had to. It was so much fun.
When Cari offered me an ARC of this story I was like....
After some further persuasion, I agreed to read it uttering something like 'well don't hate me if I don't love it.' My fears were unfounded, and I really enjoyed the story. It was the most fun I have had reading a story in a very long time.
Who knew tentacle sex could be so squidalicious!!
I don't normally use images when posted a review but for this story I simple had to. It was so much fun.
October 30, 2015
Happy Halloween! This is for Karen and Eddie. Enjoy!!!
Virginia the virgin is on a quest for a ten inch dick. She has done serious spy-holes-in-men's-restrooms research on the matter so you know she's serious: only ten inches will do! Tonight she will find her princely schlong at the biker bar so she comes prepared with six inch red heels and no underwear. A fight breaks out and the lights go off and a tentacle come out of nowhere to feel Virginia up! She's enjoying it more than she should but gosh darn it she is saving herself for Mr. Ten Inches so she frightens it off with threats of vagina dentata metallica. When the lights come back on the only man left standing is Karl Thulhu and bulge check indicates ten plus!
Karl invites Virginia for dinner at his mansion and as he leads her to his helicopter he asks her the all important question, "Are you allergic to calamari?" Thankfully the answer is no. Karl escorts her into his castle and club house, kisses and compliments her, it's a dream come true - until it's NOT. Because they are no longer in reality land, Karl is a demonic creature with tentacles coming out of his back, and she is never ever going home again. Virginia is so mad but all she can think to say is, "You're not even Italian, are you!" At dinner, Karl does give her one chance at freedom if she can leave the table without having an orgasm. Spoiler: Virginia is not set free.
After dinner it's on to the Virgin Sacrifice Chamber - standard in every demonic monster castle. Once tied up Karl comments that she is the first to come with him willingly, normally he would have to use several of his fifty thousand gray ties to lure women. Virginia confesses she doesn't give a damn about ties, she is The Quester of the Schlong, her words, and she thinks they might be meant-to-be. Karl confirms this idea with much flowery possessive language. Virginia is impressed. “Oh, Karl, I think I’m swooning. Though it’s hard to tell with the ropes and all holding me upright. If we are so one, does that mean my mortgage is yours?” “That... not so much.” “My period?” “Absolutely not.” Darn. Worth a try.
No matter, tentacle sex of many orifices ensues. This is pretty scary for Virginia the virgin but Karl whispers sweet nothings like, "My tentacles come with a special lube. You’ll barely know they’ve gone in.” and "Yes, I cleaned all my tentacles. No, there was no nose picking." Virginia thoroughly, oh so thoroughly, enjoys the sex and comes to an epiphany: the quest for the impossible dick was really just her avoiding intimacy. Karl and his tentacles have opened her up... emotionally. Her demonic Prince Charming has already moved her in and wants to build a life with her, but Virginia is a good person and can't forget about all the women Karl has taken who have never made it home. "Karl, I would love to have your little monster babies but you have to bring back the other women. My conscience would never forgive me if I didn’t insist on this. No matter how much you stalking me and tying me up and forcing me to have sex has made me love you.” He agrees because there is nothing he won't do for his love. ♥Sigh♥ Good man.
Virginia the virgin is on a quest for a ten inch dick. She has done serious spy-holes-in-men's-restrooms research on the matter so you know she's serious: only ten inches will do! Tonight she will find her princely schlong at the biker bar so she comes prepared with six inch red heels and no underwear. A fight breaks out and the lights go off and a tentacle come out of nowhere to feel Virginia up! She's enjoying it more than she should but gosh darn it she is saving herself for Mr. Ten Inches so she frightens it off with threats of vagina dentata metallica. When the lights come back on the only man left standing is Karl Thulhu and bulge check indicates ten plus!
Karl invites Virginia for dinner at his mansion and as he leads her to his helicopter he asks her the all important question, "Are you allergic to calamari?" Thankfully the answer is no. Karl escorts her into his castle and club house, kisses and compliments her, it's a dream come true - until it's NOT. Because they are no longer in reality land, Karl is a demonic creature with tentacles coming out of his back, and she is never ever going home again. Virginia is so mad but all she can think to say is, "You're not even Italian, are you!" At dinner, Karl does give her one chance at freedom if she can leave the table without having an orgasm. Spoiler: Virginia is not set free.
After dinner it's on to the Virgin Sacrifice Chamber - standard in every demonic monster castle. Once tied up Karl comments that she is the first to come with him willingly, normally he would have to use several of his fifty thousand gray ties to lure women. Virginia confesses she doesn't give a damn about ties, she is The Quester of the Schlong, her words, and she thinks they might be meant-to-be. Karl confirms this idea with much flowery possessive language. Virginia is impressed. “Oh, Karl, I think I’m swooning. Though it’s hard to tell with the ropes and all holding me upright. If we are so one, does that mean my mortgage is yours?” “That... not so much.” “My period?” “Absolutely not.” Darn. Worth a try.
No matter, tentacle sex of many orifices ensues. This is pretty scary for Virginia the virgin but Karl whispers sweet nothings like, "My tentacles come with a special lube. You’ll barely know they’ve gone in.” and "Yes, I cleaned all my tentacles. No, there was no nose picking." Virginia thoroughly, oh so thoroughly, enjoys the sex and comes to an epiphany: the quest for the impossible dick was really just her avoiding intimacy. Karl and his tentacles have opened her up... emotionally. Her demonic Prince Charming has already moved her in and wants to build a life with her, but Virginia is a good person and can't forget about all the women Karl has taken who have never made it home. "Karl, I would love to have your little monster babies but you have to bring back the other women. My conscience would never forgive me if I didn’t insist on this. No matter how much you stalking me and tying me up and forcing me to have sex has made me love you.” He agrees because there is nothing he won't do for his love. ♥Sigh♥ Good man.
September 6, 2015
No panties! Why has she forgotten to put them on today? It wasn't as if she'd been told not to. Considering she'd planned to visit a biker club house, she should have put some on. ....She'd forgotten her bra too. How forgetful.
There is only thing to do when you find yourself in a biker club house without any undergarments.
"I'm a virgin!" ..."I recently had a bear trap installed...in my inside womanly parts."
Yup, nothing will kill the mood quite like getting your naughty bits chomped off.
This story is absolutely hilarious. There is not much smut. But what it lacks in sexy times it makes up for in humor. A perfect parody of the genre. No topic is off limits. Just make sure you are fully prepared.
There is only thing to do when you find yourself in a biker club house without any undergarments.
"I'm a virgin!" ..."I recently had a bear trap installed...in my inside womanly parts."
Yup, nothing will kill the mood quite like getting your naughty bits chomped off.
This story is absolutely hilarious. There is not much smut. But what it lacks in sexy times it makes up for in humor. A perfect parody of the genre. No topic is off limits. Just make sure you are fully prepared.
December 5, 2023
DNF @ 17%
I know this was supposed to be funny, tongue in cheek, and snarky over the top tropes and usually that's right up my alley. BUT...the author was throwing so many cliches and puns in, that it actually went from quirky prose to purple prose and became really hard to follow. I kept having to reread passages to figure out what the fuck was going on.
Case in point: The very opening of the book, the h, comes up to a "biker" garage and is at the gate asking to be let in. But then is let in and it seems she's in the garage because she's talking about all the bikers and their smells. Then another gang shows up coming through the garage doors and she's back at the gate with the gate guard, but the gang forces its way inside and she's again inside. Really confusing reading.
Also, I know the trope was for her to be a dumb romance heroine caricature, but the author went way too stupid. Oops...I forgot my panties today. Oops...I also forgot my bra. It was tooooooo much. It's bad if I can't push through to see what the tentacle action is like, LOL.
I know this was supposed to be funny, tongue in cheek, and snarky over the top tropes and usually that's right up my alley. BUT...the author was throwing so many cliches and puns in, that it actually went from quirky prose to purple prose and became really hard to follow. I kept having to reread passages to figure out what the fuck was going on.
Case in point: The very opening of the book, the h, comes up to a "biker" garage and is at the gate asking to be let in. But then is let in and it seems she's in the garage because she's talking about all the bikers and their smells. Then another gang shows up coming through the garage doors and she's back at the gate with the gate guard, but the gang forces its way inside and she's again inside. Really confusing reading.
Also, I know the trope was for her to be a dumb romance heroine caricature, but the author went way too stupid. Oops...I forgot my panties today. Oops...I also forgot my bra. It was tooooooo much. It's bad if I can't push through to see what the tentacle action is like, LOL.
May 31, 2014
I've read a lot of books in my life - hell, I've read a lot of books just this week - and Squirm is hands down the funniest book I've ever read. I was practically dying from laughter even as I tried to maintain calm so as not to wake the baby. It was impossible. Sure, not everyone is going to love and laugh at this book as much as I did. I feel sad for them because that means they're either dead or completely humorless. I almost think the second one is worse. What's a life worth if you can't laugh about tentacle sex, after all?? As a book, Squirm is silly, frivolous and wayyyyyy over the top. It didn't jump the shark, it jumped the squid. As a parody, it's genius. It takes all the ridiculous notions and overworked themes that we, as loyal and addicted romance/erotica readers, know and love and spins a tale so far-fetched and so beautiful I ugly cried. From laughter. I "buddy read" this book with Erin and dear God in heaven, it was the best Saturday night I've had in years. (A sad, but true, reflection of the state of my life...) Our back-and-forth private messages were only topped by the sheer awesomeness/ridiculousness of this book. Fuck, I've just started laughing again because TENTACLE SEX.
There's not a lot I can tell you about the "plot" of this book. It says it all in the title - Squirm: Virgin Captive of the Billionaire Biker Tentacle Monster. I'm not kidding - that's the perfect summary of this book. Just think of every billionaire-biker-alpha male book you've ever read and assume that some or all of those plots will be reflected in this, the BEST. BOOK. EVER.
The author, Cari Silverwood, deserves an award. Squirm is ballsy. She's basically flipping the bird to all the crazy/strange/weird erotica out there and damn if that isn't exactly what the genre needs. Please everyone, read this book and then I swear you'll just start randomly quoting it for no reason. Basically every line is quotable, so it shouldn't be an issue - you'll never run out of lines.
In the end all I'm trying to say, in this review that's probably longer than the book itself, is that I am a tentacle pervert and I'm proud of it. And I don't even like Calamari.
5 stars plus an extra star for each tentacle.
~ Beth
There's not a lot I can tell you about the "plot" of this book. It says it all in the title - Squirm: Virgin Captive of the Billionaire Biker Tentacle Monster. I'm not kidding - that's the perfect summary of this book. Just think of every billionaire-biker-alpha male book you've ever read and assume that some or all of those plots will be reflected in this, the BEST. BOOK. EVER.
The author, Cari Silverwood, deserves an award. Squirm is ballsy. She's basically flipping the bird to all the crazy/strange/weird erotica out there and damn if that isn't exactly what the genre needs. Please everyone, read this book and then I swear you'll just start randomly quoting it for no reason. Basically every line is quotable, so it shouldn't be an issue - you'll never run out of lines.
In the end all I'm trying to say, in this review that's probably longer than the book itself, is that I am a tentacle pervert and I'm proud of it. And I don't even like Calamari.
5 stars plus an extra star for each tentacle.
~ Beth
June 15, 2014
Tentacle sex. My life seems so boring now that I have read about tentacle sex. I have this whole fantasy of being laid out on Karl's swirling red carpet in the sacrificial room having all my orifices suckled and probed. Lucky, lucky little virginal Virginia, who until now has only indulged in eye-fucking. Creepy little pervert that she is. Although, I will admit, sizing schlongs at a distance is a rare skill set. (Cari's next book: Virginia's Guide to Glory Hole Maintenance)
Me: "I'll have a two and a quarter pounder between a couple of steamy hot buns, hold the cheese cos that's just nasty."
Cari: "You want special sauce and a side of fries?"
Me: considering all the insertion points for those salty little f@ckers "You really are kinky. Sure."
Cari: "upsize?"
Me: "Of course."
This has all the elements of a great story. Hardass bikers in leather that can shift into sea creatures, an assault helicopter, a hero who literally has ten army thingies with multiple suckers (what the hell are they called?), fluffy battery-operated rabbits (screams sequel) and a cantankerous manservant called Bob (yep, she went there). Yes, all the elements, none of the finesse. Shame really. So don't read it. It will singe your eyeballs about half way through and since it isn't available on audible that will just make you sad and unhappy. But if you do, you'll need a bucket. Not because you might hurl (unless you're allergic to seafood) but because there will be bits that you'll need to shuck (the shells and beardy bits have to go somewhere).
And does she ever find the ten inch purple schlong, I hear you ask? What happens in the kinked-up Oceanside MC, stays in the kinked-up Oceanside MC.
Me: "I'll have a two and a quarter pounder between a couple of steamy hot buns, hold the cheese cos that's just nasty."
Cari: "You want special sauce and a side of fries?"
Me: considering all the insertion points for those salty little f@ckers "You really are kinky. Sure."
Cari: "upsize?"
Me: "Of course."
This has all the elements of a great story. Hardass bikers in leather that can shift into sea creatures, an assault helicopter, a hero who literally has ten army thingies with multiple suckers (what the hell are they called?), fluffy battery-operated rabbits (screams sequel) and a cantankerous manservant called Bob (yep, she went there). Yes, all the elements, none of the finesse. Shame really. So don't read it. It will singe your eyeballs about half way through and since it isn't available on audible that will just make you sad and unhappy. But if you do, you'll need a bucket. Not because you might hurl (unless you're allergic to seafood) but because there will be bits that you'll need to shuck (the shells and beardy bits have to go somewhere).
And does she ever find the ten inch purple schlong, I hear you ask? What happens in the kinked-up Oceanside MC, stays in the kinked-up Oceanside MC.
May 12, 2014
Kitty‘s review posted on Guilty Pleasures Book Reviews
5 STARS
Review copy provided for an honest review
I think everyone close to Cari Silverwood learned a little lesson with the release of “Squirm” don’t dare her to do anything. This laugh-out-loud, erotic parody covers everything from being a virgin to dead rabbits. She has fun with all aspects of erotica. From BDSM to shape-shifting, menage to voyeurism. Then she mixes in a little suspense and actually gives us a happily-ever-after ending.
Actually, there is no way to do a synopsis of this novella. The first page has you giggling with Virginia’s attempt at seduction – you progress to a chuckling at Karl’s first attempt at having her – you go to a full belly laugh with Dangerous BOB. In the end, you groan and say “really Cari?”. But, all in all, you have a good time laughing at the humorous side of erotica.
This book just proved one thing to me … a good writer can write anything from Erotica, to Steampunk, to Fantasy and now a parody. It was refreshing having an author make fun of what she writes. She puts things into perspective – books are fantasies. Dreams come true, fantasies just take you away for a little while. So, if you are looking for a really quick read, need a really big laugh and wonder what kind of person would have a ten inch schlong, read Squirm.
5 STARS
Review copy provided for an honest review
I think everyone close to Cari Silverwood learned a little lesson with the release of “Squirm” don’t dare her to do anything. This laugh-out-loud, erotic parody covers everything from being a virgin to dead rabbits. She has fun with all aspects of erotica. From BDSM to shape-shifting, menage to voyeurism. Then she mixes in a little suspense and actually gives us a happily-ever-after ending.
Actually, there is no way to do a synopsis of this novella. The first page has you giggling with Virginia’s attempt at seduction – you progress to a chuckling at Karl’s first attempt at having her – you go to a full belly laugh with Dangerous BOB. In the end, you groan and say “really Cari?”. But, all in all, you have a good time laughing at the humorous side of erotica.
This book just proved one thing to me … a good writer can write anything from Erotica, to Steampunk, to Fantasy and now a parody. It was refreshing having an author make fun of what she writes. She puts things into perspective – books are fantasies. Dreams come true, fantasies just take you away for a little while. So, if you are looking for a really quick read, need a really big laugh and wonder what kind of person would have a ten inch schlong, read Squirm.
May 13, 2014
It’s official I’m a “Tentacle Pervert”
This short story was clever and hilarious. It’s about a victim or is it virgin, in search of the elusive ten inch, purple-headed schlong. You know, just like the ones from the erotic romance novels. I loved the heroine. She thinks and says everything the reader is usually thinking. I laughed out loud several times while reading this. And I learned a thing or two. For example, all you need for anal is finesse. I recommended this story to anyone looking for a fun quick read.
*copy was gifted by author in exchange for an honest review*
This short story was clever and hilarious. It’s about a victim or is it virgin, in search of the elusive ten inch, purple-headed schlong. You know, just like the ones from the erotic romance novels. I loved the heroine. She thinks and says everything the reader is usually thinking. I laughed out loud several times while reading this. And I learned a thing or two. For example, all you need for anal is finesse. I recommended this story to anyone looking for a fun quick read.
*copy was gifted by author in exchange for an honest review*
June 29, 2014
**Rough Draft**
This is exactly what I needed! I'm in the midst of my professional recertification and am overwhelmed with technical reading, so this parody was a much needed break from that. I don't tend to read parodies so I can't tell you how it compares, but I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. It made me giggle, snicker, snort, and laugh out loud nearly the entire time I was reading it, and that's kinda the point of a parody isn't it?
I'm not really sure of what else to say. It's a quick, light read that kept me entertained the entire time. I look forward to reading Strum next.
~ Wicked Reads Review Team ~
This is exactly what I needed! I'm in the midst of my professional recertification and am overwhelmed with technical reading, so this parody was a much needed break from that. I don't tend to read parodies so I can't tell you how it compares, but I can say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. It made me giggle, snicker, snort, and laugh out loud nearly the entire time I was reading it, and that's kinda the point of a parody isn't it?
I'm not really sure of what else to say. It's a quick, light read that kept me entertained the entire time. I look forward to reading Strum next.
~ Wicked Reads Review Team ~
May 11, 2014
Totally brilliant and utterly hilarious. The parody to end all parodies. I'm not certain what bottle of tequila this concept came from, but it sure beats the worm!
One hundred stars for originality, one hundred stars for extreme belly laughs, and another hundred for hitting every trope--albeit, hitting below the belt--in one short story. Even if we readers did get robbed of the money shot at the end!
But those of us from the (potentially) demonic world of Canada truly appreciate the guffaw, eh?
September 11, 2016
* Gift copy from author
Go ahead, slap the label ‘Tentacle Pervert’ on me; I’ll wear it w/ pride. *smirks*
I giggled-snorted thru this one-sitting read. In case the title isn’t clear enough, Squirm is a tongue-in-cheek parody of pure fun (think Monty Python, if you will) and yet, squirmingly erotic bits (yes, pun intended ^.~). I avoid majority of the current crop of MC or billionaire books but still managed to pick up on most of the gentle pokes. :)
I’ll be picking up #2 when I’m next in need of stress-relieving laughter. Thanks for a great read, Cari!
Go ahead, slap the label ‘Tentacle Pervert’ on me; I’ll wear it w/ pride. *smirks*
I giggled-snorted thru this one-sitting read. In case the title isn’t clear enough, Squirm is a tongue-in-cheek parody of pure fun (think Monty Python, if you will) and yet, squirmingly erotic bits (yes, pun intended ^.~). I avoid majority of the current crop of MC or billionaire books but still managed to pick up on most of the gentle pokes. :)
I’ll be picking up #2 when I’m next in need of stress-relieving laughter. Thanks for a great read, Cari!
June 29, 2020
Cari did warn me this was the weirdest she’s ever written,and OMG she was so right!
The first in this weird boxset is a short story,called Squirm.
I have a vivid imagination,and the picture she paints made mé squirm!
I never thought i’d like the idea of testicle....sorry tentacle sex,but the possibilities are endless.
Virginia’s search for her friend Cyndie brings her to dangerous places.
Where she meets Karl and Dangerous BOB.
And Karl likes her enough to “invite” her to dinner at his place....
If that was all,it would be a straightforward story.
But remember,this ís Cari’s weirdest boxset....and the title dóes tell you.
So,Virginia,being a virgin,is a very tasty option for dessert.
Don’t worry,Karl won’t eat her....at least not the way you think (unless your mind is already in the gutter)
But he dóes have some very....interesting...extra parts he plans to put to good use.
What does Virginia think of his plans?
For you to find out,you will have to take this into account...
“Read onward and when you have to fill in that spot on the insurance form where it asks if you’ve ever been arrested for chicken rustling or dabbled in things that would make all your aunties and granmas faint, you will have to tick yes.
You are on a slippery, depraved path. Tentacles, ahoy!”
Needless to say,i am proud to be called a Tentacle Pervert from now on!
(I ám most definitely going to try out her arithmetics. I want to find out if they work....
“Bulge volume P minus R thickness of cloth. Square root of I unrolled length of schlong and add C wanking time. Answer equals K.”)
The first in this weird boxset is a short story,called Squirm.
I have a vivid imagination,and the picture she paints made mé squirm!
I never thought i’d like the idea of testicle....sorry tentacle sex,but the possibilities are endless.
Virginia’s search for her friend Cyndie brings her to dangerous places.
Where she meets Karl and Dangerous BOB.
And Karl likes her enough to “invite” her to dinner at his place....
If that was all,it would be a straightforward story.
But remember,this ís Cari’s weirdest boxset....and the title dóes tell you.
So,Virginia,being a virgin,is a very tasty option for dessert.
Don’t worry,Karl won’t eat her....at least not the way you think (unless your mind is already in the gutter)
But he dóes have some very....interesting...extra parts he plans to put to good use.
What does Virginia think of his plans?
For you to find out,you will have to take this into account...
“Read onward and when you have to fill in that spot on the insurance form where it asks if you’ve ever been arrested for chicken rustling or dabbled in things that would make all your aunties and granmas faint, you will have to tick yes.
You are on a slippery, depraved path. Tentacles, ahoy!”
Needless to say,i am proud to be called a Tentacle Pervert from now on!
(I ám most definitely going to try out her arithmetics. I want to find out if they work....
“Bulge volume P minus R thickness of cloth. Square root of I unrolled length of schlong and add C wanking time. Answer equals K.”)
August 31, 2014
Squirm is about as subtle as a brick smacking you in the face. It's short, doesn't take itself seriously and was genuinely very funny. What's not to like??? I mean, obviously, I have been missing out all these years not having tentacle sex or experiencing a ten-inch purple schlong.......schlong, schlong schlong.
I love that word.
It's not used enough in romantic fiction if you ask me or my blog partner in crime, Little Red. Our text messages, to each other, read along the lines of 'she said schlong....bwah hahahahahaha.'
I also think it includes every single sub genre of erotic/romantic fiction that has ever been written about.
Bikers? Check. Virgins? Check. Misunderstood billionaire with a large...helicopter? Check. The list goes on.
The hero is a strong, sexy, alpha male called Karl Thulu (get it?) with a thing for Garden Gnomes and tentacles. The heroine is a smart and sassy virgin called Virginia who only wants to meet a man with a big schlong....god dammit!! Karl doesn't do Red Rooms of Pain btw, oh no, he has a sacrificial room! (Take that Christian Grey). Plus, there is a henchman with a dildo for a willy called Bob *snort*; fluffy battery operated rabbits *he he he*.
It will never be a great work of fiction or the most erotic book ever written, unless you are into marine porn (which you might be. Who knows what floats someone's boat) but it is enjoyable none the less.
My favourite line? "It's a garden gnome, Ming dynasty."
I love that word.
It's not used enough in romantic fiction if you ask me or my blog partner in crime, Little Red. Our text messages, to each other, read along the lines of 'she said schlong....bwah hahahahahaha.'
I also think it includes every single sub genre of erotic/romantic fiction that has ever been written about.
Bikers? Check. Virgins? Check. Misunderstood billionaire with a large...helicopter? Check. The list goes on.
The hero is a strong, sexy, alpha male called Karl Thulu (get it?) with a thing for Garden Gnomes and tentacles. The heroine is a smart and sassy virgin called Virginia who only wants to meet a man with a big schlong....god dammit!! Karl doesn't do Red Rooms of Pain btw, oh no, he has a sacrificial room! (Take that Christian Grey). Plus, there is a henchman with a dildo for a willy called Bob *snort*; fluffy battery operated rabbits *he he he*.
It will never be a great work of fiction or the most erotic book ever written, unless you are into marine porn (which you might be. Who knows what floats someone's boat) but it is enjoyable none the less.
My favourite line? "It's a garden gnome, Ming dynasty."
March 9, 2015
Do you read PNR, urban fantasy, weird erotica or biker gang stories? Do you - like me - sometimes roll your eyes when you encounter shy and inexperienced (but with an insatiable need for man wiener) virgin #352 this year, naughty bad boy or possessive, well hung loverboy with a massive schlong? Do you sometimes sigh and wonder if you've read this story before, and if, perhaps, it's time to move on to more intellectual books instead...
If you've read some of the more well-known stories in anyone of the above mentioned categories, you're sure to find them here. In fact, gather your friends and count just how many guys you recognize. My personal favorite was Horse, from a book I still hate with the passion of a thousand suns.
Squirm was utterly ridiculos. But it also made me smile, sometimes laugh. Squirm will not stop me from reading UF of PNR anytime soon, but it has made me appreciate those authors who write great stories without resorting to the most over used cliches so many authors turn to these days...
If you've read some of the more well-known stories in anyone of the above mentioned categories, you're sure to find them here. In fact, gather your friends and count just how many guys you recognize. My personal favorite was Horse, from a book I still hate with the passion of a thousand suns.
Squirm was utterly ridiculos. But it also made me smile, sometimes laugh. Squirm will not stop me from reading UF of PNR anytime soon, but it has made me appreciate those authors who write great stories without resorting to the most over used cliches so many authors turn to these days...
May 8, 2014
Eau de Hilarious!
Wow---Just sit back and enjoy this short story. Cari creates a masterpiece of spoofs including everything from bikers, billionaires, helicopters, ties, gnomes, the search for the elusive 10 incher,rabbits and a sexy naive virgin.
I laughed my ass off with this one. It's a perfect fun pick me up read. Oh, but let's not forget our virgin's search leads her to an alien. Yes, an alien with more than the 10 inches she wanted considering he has TENtacles!
Have fun, just enjoy it and don't worry the rabbit doesn't die-- it just needs new batteries :)
"See, it went in. I have finesse. That's all you need for anal, Alpha tentacle finesse."
Why 4 instead of 5 stars? It's your fault Cari :) I want more! I'm checking that box!
Wow---Just sit back and enjoy this short story. Cari creates a masterpiece of spoofs including everything from bikers, billionaires, helicopters, ties, gnomes, the search for the elusive 10 incher,rabbits and a sexy naive virgin.
I laughed my ass off with this one. It's a perfect fun pick me up read. Oh, but let's not forget our virgin's search leads her to an alien. Yes, an alien with more than the 10 inches she wanted considering he has TENtacles!
Have fun, just enjoy it and don't worry the rabbit doesn't die-- it just needs new batteries :)
"See, it went in. I have finesse. That's all you need for anal, Alpha tentacle finesse."
Why 4 instead of 5 stars? It's your fault Cari :) I want more! I'm checking that box!
June 28, 2014
"I received a free copy of this book to read and review for Wicked Reads."
This is a fun coffee break read. In the vein of Airplane! Or Top Secret!, this gives you the opportunity to recognise the parody of the original as you read. Very entertaining and strangely erotic at the same time !!
This is a fun coffee break read. In the vein of Airplane! Or Top Secret!, this gives you the opportunity to recognise the parody of the original as you read. Very entertaining and strangely erotic at the same time !!
November 10, 2018
So I adore cari silverwood... after reading this fantasy tenatacle parody I can honestly state that she is THE BEST!!! This is a tentacle in cheek fun and cheeky read that pokes many tehtacles at the monster porn/fantasy genre... its fantastic in that it’s fun and silly and lighthearted and I just loved the warning mid story!!! 🐙🦑🐙🦑
June 13, 2014
It was a hoot! I loved all the references and loved that we Canadians could be the monster but not the Italians. I liked it a lot but I didn't love it because Karl was perfect and Virginia annoyed me in spots.
Everyone should read it though, because it really is hoot!!
Everyone should read it though, because it really is hoot!!
October 25, 2023
Nope, DNF, barely made it through 1 chapter.
These sort of hyperbole were constant, sometimes 2-3 a page.
No way can I do a whole book of these.
Though he didn’t in any way gesture at the big man beside him, she knew who he meant since Dangerous Bob had growled, low and menacing, and not at all like he meant to sell cookies or break into song about daisies or tulips... or anything to do with being happy.
These sort of hyperbole were constant, sometimes 2-3 a page.
No way can I do a whole book of these.
June 5, 2016
Now, this may come as a big surprise to some of you but this story was SUPER cheesy. It's less erotica and more satire. Some parts were funny, especially the trail of ties, but I'm not sure if it's enough to push this over the edge of corny to something that's so silly it's good.
Another titillating impromptu BR with the ever monster/alien/dino loving MacHalo gals
Because, what could be better than captive virgins and billionaire tentacled monster bikers?
Another titillating impromptu BR with the ever monster/alien/dino loving MacHalo gals
Because, what could be better than captive virgins and billionaire tentacled monster bikers?
August 11, 2023
Points off for not showing us the dong. I did laugh tho. That's all I needed from this.
December 17, 2021
Popped up on my recommendation list. I was curious. Short with tentacle sex and a biker theme. Lost me completely by the end. The way she understood Dangerous bob was interesting.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 15, 2017
Squirm had me laughing out loud! It was nice to read a short, humorous romance with a bit of erotica thrown in.
I'm sure we have all at one point rolled our eyes at how all romances usually follow a certain theme. How the main character fall in love so fast, overcomeds some REALLY strange, or horrible, things to fall in love. Cari Silverwood highlights most of the sometimes absurd but tried and true romance concepts in a way that will have you laughing and thinking back on it each time you see ones of those "billionaire romaces".
I'm sure we have all at one point rolled our eyes at how all romances usually follow a certain theme. How the main character fall in love so fast, overcomeds some REALLY strange, or horrible, things to fall in love. Cari Silverwood highlights most of the sometimes absurd but tried and true romance concepts in a way that will have you laughing and thinking back on it each time you see ones of those "billionaire romaces".
May 29, 2024
FTC : I got this book from the author for a fair and honest review.
Well, this one was a step outside my norm. For a start it was “tentacle porn” and it was also a parody. I find it hard to rate it with my normal brackets but I did enjoy it immensely so I’m gonna stick with my 4 star review…. I’m still a bit confused as to what it was I read!
Squirm pokes fun at several romantic tropes whilst managing to have (a bit of) a plot. The hot millionaire hero, the biker hero, tentacle porn, the heroine with disappearing underwear who is also a virgin…. it’s all in there! Every stereotype is poked at and its all wrapped up in a weird tentacle porn package. I may not be selling this well but it is a lot of fun.
Virginia is on a double quest. She is trying to find her friend and so, in a way that would make all reviewers label her TSTL, she goes to try to save her. Alone. In a biker gangs hangout. Go figure. She is also on a more personal quest…to find the mythical 10-inch penis.
“[she]wondered, ever so hopefully, if among these men she would find her holy grail – what she’d been saving herself for from the day she opened the pages of her first romance novel – the man with the ten inch purple-headed schlong”
What she finds is a Millionaire, bicycle gang leader Dom, who also is a shape-shifter with tentacles. Yes, you did hear me correctly. They then hit it off and tentacle-sex and BDSM high-jinks follow.
I won’t spoil this anymore but I hope what I have given you is a taste of what this parody is like. You won’t like the characters, the plot is a loose to say the least but none of that matters as the aim of this book is not to be good. The aim of this book is to be funny. And it is. I highly recommend it to romance fans as you will get the in jokes.
Now….my favourite quote:
“Come. You have a dinner date with me at my mansion.”
“I do?” Virginia frowned. “I’m sure it’s not in my planner.” He could be right, though. She’d already forgotten her panties, her bra, and what to call long arm thingies on monsters.
September 23, 2019
Romance tropes galore
...and more tentacles than a girl ever knew she needed.
What's not to love?
Read as part of The Squirm Files collection available from Amazon.
...and more tentacles than a girl ever knew she needed.
What's not to love?
Read as part of The Squirm Files collection available from Amazon.
May 20, 2014
I sat down to "Squirm" last night after having heard from my friends that I would enjoy it. My friends totally undersold it! This book was awesome! Never taking itself seriously, there was a least a joke a page...CLEVER jokes. Cari Silverwood manages to parody just about every stereotype in erotic romance today. Billionaire biker? Check. A captive virgin? Check. Our heroine trying to rescue her best friend from a terrible fate? Check. Triple penetration? Double check!
You really must read this book to fully appreciate it. It's not a long read...took me a little over and hour, but I found myself wishing it was longer because, when I find something this refreshing, I want to make it last. Please do yourself a favor and one click this one. I promise you that you won't be disappointed.
You really must read this book to fully appreciate it. It's not a long read...took me a little over and hour, but I found myself wishing it was longer because, when I find something this refreshing, I want to make it last. Please do yourself a favor and one click this one. I promise you that you won't be disappointed.
May 9, 2014
I was really amazed by this book. I have read several shifter books but nothing like this. Cari gave me a copy of this book for an honest review. After reading I went back and reread several parts to make sure I was getting the story straight. This shifter is for lack of better wording am Octopus from a different time universe. He has at least 8 tentacles and to find out where he is able to place them U will have to read this wonderful book. I think I am the only male member of the Bad Ass group so this is from a very different perspective. I really did enjoy reading this very different book.
September 9, 2021
Oh dear me...
I don't know how I came across this book, but omg its so over the top stupid that I couldn't stop laughing out loud at parts. It would have been a better parody if every sentence wasn't outlandish. A good parody to me is a story that mimics another to be funny, its not a mash up of bad lines.
I don't know how I came across this book, but omg its so over the top stupid that I couldn't stop laughing out loud at parts. It would have been a better parody if every sentence wasn't outlandish. A good parody to me is a story that mimics another to be funny, its not a mash up of bad lines.
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