My Selling Pitch:
A horny Wattpad version of that one Evanescence song with this week’s fantasy romance shadow daddy.
On my do not read list.
Pre-reading:
A book box pick!
(obviously potential spoilers from here on)
Thick of it:
What did he stomp? (I've never been patient a day in my life.)
My money’s on poisoned water. (Ask again in book two.)
She's saying she has Marilyn Monroe voice.
Ye olde zombies. How Bonesmith.
Harmsworth is pretty on the nose lol.
Title drop
I smell another Rhysand, and I’m not in the mood. (Y’all need to find a new mans. I am begging.)
Cold water is drugs 🎶
I’m bored. I would DNF. This is poorly written, generic, fantasy romance.
How many times are they gonna tell me that she met the deathless one? Like I get it. I was there.
If this is another author insert coming for her romanticized abusively controlling boyfriend’s shitty ex-girlfriend, I’m not in the mood. (Every time.)
Every character in this is moral without evidence because they’re on the good side and it’s really irritating me. I know the whole kingdom believes this, but I don’t, on nothing because I’m different!
This is such a COVID book. Like there's a plague and sourdough lmao.
Homegirl’s horny on nothing.
Girlypop: im not like other girls. boys are gross. science is my only real love!
A man over 6’ enters the chat:
Girlypop: so is it sir or daddy
It's giving Michael Scott’s both. I want people to fear how much they love me.
God, the info dumping is so bad.
It’s so instalove, I can't.
Shadow puppy?! Oh boo, it's another fucking cat.
What's his name? Kyle the edgelord?
It’s very Edward Cullen watching you sleep.
I'm down for carnal magic.
Another minty boy
A makeover montage, really?
This is really bad.
Stuff your shadow daddy tentacles in me to power me up is a CHOICE.
He definitely could have when he’s literally the only other character with a name.
They’re literally so bad at plans and being ruthless villains.
Literally could not think of someone less fit to rule a kingdom.
A rock in a hurricane???? Rock ME like a hurricane. Oh god, put me out of my misery.
Lmao this political system is a joke.
The writing is so bad and high school.
Not the fun in funerals!
Also, what are the stakes in your book if nobody dies?
Me this whole book: he is just a guy, hit him with your car
No one in this book has an ounce of self-esteem.
Her: I’m just a girl. I don’t want magic. That’s too much responsibility.
Also her: put me in charge of the entire kingdom.
Well, thank god, a man said she could do it.
This book is just a horny version of that Evanescence song.
I like how she was like I can never trust him or worship him or unleash him on the world, and he’s like what if I stick my dick in you, and she’s like I’m listening.
This book is so bad, guys.
Girlypop has no character consistency. It’s really just whatever the author thought was hot, and if it doesn’t fit with her shrinking violet personality, well, who cares? It’s smut time!
I hate that I don’t hate this. She’s like not awful at writing sex scenes I guess.
me: on board, kind of vibing
her: like the monstrous god you are!
Why? Why ruin it for me?
Not the G spot sin.
No baby, I can’t wear the condom-er I mean, do it in the other realm. What if it dulls my senses? Like it’s the same argument. I hate it here.
I want to outlaw the magical orgasm so bad.
KICKED
Don’t think I’ve ever mouth-watered over dick veins.
Oh look, I’ve been impaled.
All I’m picturing is him pulling a Sabrina Carpenter like have you ever tried this one? and yeeting them off a cliff.
This was such a bad book, but it is technically readable, so I am going to give it two stars. But like oh my god, it’s so bad.
This author really said I’m not adding any names into this book unless they’re a big character lmao.
This is the most edgelord shit I’ve read in a hot minute.
Post-reading:
You know, I too sometimes suffer from bouts of undiagnosed neurospiciness and play a song until the wheels absolutely fall off. Thankfully, I don’t write smut books about it. This author probably needs to be banned from listening to Evanescence.
Jokes aside, this is bad. This is some Wattpad-level writing that reads like every other generic fantasy romance you’ve read before. It’s ACOTAR. It’s Quicksilver. It’s Hades and Persephone. It’s whatever shadow daddy of the week has an oral fixation.
The political situation is comically underdeveloped. Plot holes are everywhere you look. Everything‘s just for vibes. Nothing has stakes because we can bring people back from the dead with impunity. Characters aren’t developed beyond their names, and if they have a name, congratulations, they’re gonna be a big player in the series because the cast is minuscule.
The writing is incredibly repetitive. You could tune out for multiple chapters and miss nothing. The characterization is inconsistent. The FMC is a shrinking violet one breath and a deranged killer the next. It’s not character growth. It’s just plot-convenient whiplash. I can’t take a centuries-old death god seriously when his biggest hangup is worrying if he gave good enough head to some girl he met yesterday. It’s not a romance. It’s just more instalove
The smut is… decent. And you know, I respect it. Homegirl said this is my priority, and she almost delivered. Scenes would get a little steamy and then devolve into some cringy line that would take me out of it.
If you wanna turn your brain off and speed run some fantasy, it’s tolerable. It’s not good, but it’s tolerable. If you’re looking for anything resembling depth, head elsewhere.
The book also wants to be some feminist reclaiming of witches, but then is chock full of misogyny and your typical alphahole cliches.
At no point does this book require a sequel. We should’ve trimmed the fat from this one and wrapped it up as a standalone. I don’t recommend this. I wouldn’t pick the author up again. You will hopefully not see me for the sequel, but we’ll see if my completionist ass lets me sleep in peace.
Who should read this:
ACOTAR apologists
Fantasy romance smutty popcorn readers
Ideal reading time:
Anytime
Do I want to reread this:
Nope.
Would I buy this:
Nope
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Thank you to Netgalley and the publisher for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.