Warning: This review will be lengthy due to pure hatred.
Did I ever tell you that I’ve got a time machine? There was a freak accident where my laptop and my lawn mower got fused together following a lightning strike, and now I can use it to travel in time. It’s a long story. Anyhow, when I have a chance, I take the occasional trip through history. Recently, I popped into London in 1940 during the Blitz to take a look around. It’s a fascinating time with England hanging on by its fingernails during nightly bombings and waiting for a German invasion that seemed certain.
I was getting ready to return to 2010, and started firing up the time-mower when suddenly three people, two women and a man, ran up excitedly and started wildly shouting questions at me.
“Are you from the retrieval team?”
“Where is your drop?”
“What took you so long?”
After a few minutes they finally calmed down enough to introduce themselves. They were Polly, Eileen and Mike. They saw me with the time-mower and figured out I was from the future. They demanded to know from when.
“My name’s Kemper. I’m from 2010,” I told them.
“Oh, no,” Polly wailed. “You’re not from Oxford?”
“Uh, no. I’m from Kansas,” I replied.
“So you’re not a historian from 2060 like us?” Mike demanded.
“Nope. You guys are from 2060? That’s incredible, what’s it like?” I asked.
“Well, it used to be grand. We got assignments to go back and observe points in history by going undercover to live and work during these times,” Eileen said.
“That sounds like it would be a really exciting adventure,” I said.
“No, it’s awful,” Eileen said. “You see, something terrible has happened. We each had different assignments. I was working with evacuated children in the country, Mike was supposed to observe the ships returning from the rescue of the British army at Dunkirk, and Polly was going to work as a shop girl at one of the department stores.”
“What happened?”
“Well, first, my assignment was terrible. The English lady I worked for made us do all this extra war work while she wouldn’t lift a finger, and I had to deal with all these children. There was this brother and sister, Alf and Binnie, that were always getting into mischief and causing me problems. Then there was measles outbreak so I was quarantined for months with the kids so I was long overdue. When the quarantine finally lifted, my drop wasn’t working. You see, the drops are the spots where we can go back to Oxford in 2060,” Eileen said.
“Yes, and my drop isn’t work either. I got a job at a department store, just as planned, but when I tried to check in, it isn’t working,” Polly said.
“Is your drop not working?” I asked Mike.
“We’re not sure. See, I was supposed to arrive in Dover, but there was slippage. That’s when we don’t arrive exactly when and where we were supposed to. So I ended up 30 miles away in this little village and three days late. A lot of stuff happened after I met Commodore Harold, and it was months before I got back to my drop, and now there are always people around it. They won’t open if anyone from this time frame can see it,” Mike said.
“Who is Commodore Harold?”
“He was this old man at the village. I was trying to get him to take me in his boat to Dover because I had already missed part of the evacuation. But he wouldn’t listen to me and kept insisting that he was going to Dunkirk. Then I fell asleep on his boat, and he took me there. Which was terrible because I probably changed history and now we’ll lose the war,” Mike said. Tears came out of the corners of his eyes.
“We can’t change history,” Polly said.
“Yes, we can. I did,” Mike cried.
“You don’t know that,” Eileen said.
“Yes, I do. It’s all my fault,” he said and sobbed harder.
“Well, if you think you had it bad, I had a terrible time getting a black skirt,” Polly said.
“A black skirt?” I asked in confusion.
“Yes, shop girls must wear a black skirt and everything was confused at Oxford when we were leaving because of schedule changes so wardrobe could only get me a dark blue one. I got the job but the woman in charge would fire me if I didn’t get a black skirt. And I kept trying to get back to the drop so I could go back to Oxford and get one, but I kept getting delayed. When I finally got there, the drop wasn’t working. Plus, I couldn’t wrap the packages properly so I had to spend ever so much time practicing it,” Polly said. Her lip quivered slightly as she remembered the horror of wrapping packages.
“Uh, didn’t they give you any money when you came to the past?” I asked.
“Oh, yes. Tons of it,” Polly said.
“And you were working in a department store?” I said.
“Yes.”
“So why didn’t you just buy a black skirt there instead of spending all that effort trying to time travel to go home and get one?” I said. Polly only looked at me blankly.
“I had problems, too. I tried and tried to get out of the quarantine and sneak back to the drop, but Mr. Samuels locked the doors,” Eileen said.
“Who is Mr. Samuels? A cop or doctor?” I asked.
“No, just the old gardener at the estate,” she said.
“I had a lot of bother getting a newspaper,” Mike volunteered.
“A newspaper?” I asked.
“Yes, I had to spend some time in a hospital, and I wanted to see the war news to see what I had changed. But the nurses thought it was making me too upset. So I had to pretend that I wanted to do the crosswords so they’d leave me the paper,” Mike said proudly.
“OK, forget about the skirt, and the quarantine and the newspaper. Don’t you people have some kind of back-up plan if something went wrong and you couldn’t get to your drops?” I asked.
“Yes, the retrieval teams!” they shouted in unison.
“I was sure that you were with the retrieval team,” Polly said.
“I’ve spent so many hours wondering what was keeping my retrieval team,” Eileen said.
“I’m sure that my retrieval team hasn’t been able to locate me,” Mike said.
“Where, oh where, could our retrieval teams be?” Polly said.
“I thought Mike and Polly were my retrieval team when they found me,” Eileen said.
“And I thought Mike was my retrieval team,” Polly said.
“I know that you two are women and all that, but the next person to say ‘retrieval team’ is getting punched in the throat,” I said. “OK, so those retre…. Er, people were supposed to come and get you if something went wrong, but they haven’t shown. So what was your Plan B?”
“Plan B?” Eileen said.
“Yeah, for if something really went wrong and they couldn’t find you or whatever? Didn’t you have a pre-determined spot to meet out some time later? Or since all you people were running around this time, did they set up some kind of safe-house you could go to in case of emergency?”
“That’s a good idea,” Polly said.
“We’ll have to tell Mr. Dunworthy that we should do that after the retrieval team… OW!… takes us back,” Mike said.
“So no plan other than just sitting around fretting and speculating about what happened? Since you’re worried that they can’t find you, have you put an ad in the paper or anything?” I asked
“Oh, I checked the personals to see if the retrieval team..OW!..placed an ad trying to find us. I thought about putting an ad in so that they could find me, but haven’t done it yet,” Mike said proudly.
“Uh.. You guys do research in the future before you go into the past, right?”
“Of course.” Polly said.
“That would include reading newspapers?”
“Yes, we get a lot of information from newspapers,” Eileen said.
“And it’s never occurred to any of you that if you put a message in that says something like, ‘Hey, Oxford 2060, come pick me up at noon outside Buckingham Palace on Oct. 1?’ that they might see it and meet you there then?” I asked.
“That’s another good idea,” Eileen said. “You’ve got a knack for this, Kemper.”
“Are you kidding me? You’re goddamn time travelers, and you never thought of doing that? Or leaving a letter with a lawyer for delivery to Oxford in 2060? Haven’t you ever seen the Back to the Future movies? Or that episode of Quantum Leap where Sam and Al switched places?” I said.
“Well, I’m not sure that it’s a matter of Oxford not being able to find us. I think something went wrong and that they can’t come back for some reason,” Polly said.
“It’s my fault!” Mike shrieked.
“Oh, do shut up,” Polly snapped. “Even before we left, something was going on. Mr. Dunworthy was changing assignments like mad, and they were having a terrible time finding drop sites. And they were very worried about us reporting any slippage.”
“That’s true,” Mike said. “Mr. Dunworthy changed my assignment from Pearl Harbor to Dunkirk so I had almost no time to prepare. And Polly couldn’t get the right clothes, and Eileen had a hard time getting the driving lessons she needed.”
“So this Mr. Dunworthy is a douche bag that sends you guys into the past with no preparation?” I said.
“Oh, no! He cares about us ever so much. He sets very strict rules about where we can live and work in the past, and if there’s so much of a hint of danger, he’ll pull us right off an assignment. He’d send a retrieval team …OW!…in a second if he knew we were in trouble,” Eileen said confidently.
I sighed and rubbed my temples for a couple of minutes. Then I took a deep breath.
“Let me see, I’ve got this straight. You’re all historians from 2060 at Oxford who work for a guy named Dunworthy who is supposedly very strict about your safety. Yet, he did a last minute change of schedule with no explanation that left people going to England in 1940 unprepared and ill-equipped for the assignment. You were stupid enough to come anyhow, and you’re all seemingly incapable of dealing with anything as mundane as unruly children or overbearing people. Plus, the simplest task like obtaining a black skirt or a newspaper turns into a major undertaking for you. Even outwitting a senile boat captain or a gardner was beyond your abilities. Now something has gone wrong, and your only plan is to sit around whining about your ‘retrieval teams’. Is that about it?” I said.
“Yes, that’s about the size of it,” Mike said.
“Please, Kemper. We really need your help,” Polly said.
“Well, you all may be morons, but it’s your lucky day because a guy with a time-mower showed up. I guess I can’t leave you here,” I said.
“That’s wonderful! So you’ll take a message to Oxford?” Eileen said.
“A message?” I asked.
“Yes. We’ll write a message to Mr. Dunworthy and you can take it to him. Then he’ll send a retrieval team…OW!…back for us,” Polly said.
They just kept grinning and smiling at me as I looked at them in disbelief.
“Guy with a working time machine standing right here,” I said slowly.
They nodded.
“And all you want me to do is to take a message to the future for you?”
They nodded.
“Not, you know, just take you to Oxford in 2060?”
“Oh, no,” Mike said. “What if we left and the retrieval team…OW!…shows up?”
“Changed my mind. Not doing shit for you. Sit here and wait. Hopefully, the Germans will drop a bomb on your stupid, wussy, worthless, whining asses. See ya in hell,” I said as I fired up the time-mower and started to fade away.
The last thing I heard before leaving 1940 was, “When do you think the retrieval team will arrive?”
In Summary of a Shitty Book
I have never been subjected to such painful characters in my life. All three of the major players are exactly the same. Almost the entire book is their inner dialogues which consist solely of fretting about stupid trivial crap, wild speculation that turns out to be completely wrong and repeatedly asking, “Oh, when will the retrieval team arrive?”
You’d think that time travelers should be hardy adventurers with the ability to improvise and adapt to problems. These dumbasses can’t complete the simplest of tasks without it becoming a story of epic proportions. Seriously, the first chapter of this book is a guy trying to find Dunworthy at Oxford and having all these internal discussions with himself about where he might be, where he should look for him, what his secretary will say, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, someone please shoot me. The rest of the book consists of characters doing pretty much the same thing.
Even worse, this is the first of two books so even after reading all this drivel, you don’t get any resolution to the story.
When I’m on my deathbed, I’ll be cursing the name of Connie Willis for writing this piece of shit and tricking me into wasting precious hours of my life.