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The Gift of Not Belonging: How Outsiders Thrive in a World of Joiners
The first book to explore the distinct personality style of the otrovert — someone who lacks the communal impulse and does not fit in with any social group, regardless of its members — and to reveal all the advantages of being an otrovert and how otroverts contribute to the world.
If you were the kid who never wanted to go to summer camp, if you prefer spending time with friends one- on-one than going to parties, if you would rather forgo your vacation than travel with a tour group, and if you often engage in acts of silent rebellion against group norms and traditions, you are very likely an otrovert.
Dr Kaminski has been studying this personality style for over 30 years. He explains that, while otroverts enjoy deep and fulfilling one-on-one relationships, within groups they feel alienated, uncomfortable, and alone. Unlike introverts, who crave solitude and are easily drained by social interactions, otroverts can be quite gregarious and rarely tire from one-on-one socialising. And unlike loners, or people who have been marginalised based on their identity, otroverts are socially embraced and often popular — yet are unable to conform with what the group collectively thinks or cares about.
And therein lie the great gifts of being an otrovert. When you have no affinity for any particular group, your sense of self-worth is not conditioned on the group’s approval. And, best of all, you know no other way to think other than to think for yourself. The Gift of Not Belonging urges otroverts to embrace their unique gifts, and equips them with the knowledge and tools to thrive in a communal world.
If you were the kid who never wanted to go to summer camp, if you prefer spending time with friends one- on-one than going to parties, if you would rather forgo your vacation than travel with a tour group, and if you often engage in acts of silent rebellion against group norms and traditions, you are very likely an otrovert.
Dr Kaminski has been studying this personality style for over 30 years. He explains that, while otroverts enjoy deep and fulfilling one-on-one relationships, within groups they feel alienated, uncomfortable, and alone. Unlike introverts, who crave solitude and are easily drained by social interactions, otroverts can be quite gregarious and rarely tire from one-on-one socialising. And unlike loners, or people who have been marginalised based on their identity, otroverts are socially embraced and often popular — yet are unable to conform with what the group collectively thinks or cares about.
And therein lie the great gifts of being an otrovert. When you have no affinity for any particular group, your sense of self-worth is not conditioned on the group’s approval. And, best of all, you know no other way to think other than to think for yourself. The Gift of Not Belonging urges otroverts to embrace their unique gifts, and equips them with the knowledge and tools to thrive in a communal world.
240 pages, Hardcover
First published June 17, 2025
219 people are currently reading
4637 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 74 reviews
August 4, 2025
I can’t remember the time I binged a book this fast. Granted, it’s a short read, but I felt seen by this book. Rami Kaminski is a psychiatrist with 40+ years of experience, and writes about “otroverts”. Typically, I get annoyed when authors try to come up with their own terms, but this one made sense. It’s about people who feel like outsiders and who view and interact with the world differently.
I’ve recently been thinking about re-reading Quiet, the famous book about introverts, but I connected with this book even more. In the summary it says, “Unlike introverts, they are not shy or quiet, and do not quickly tire from one-on-one socializing. Yet in large groups they feel uncomfortable, alienated, and alone.”
I usually see books like this and am like, “Oh great. Another book trying to make people feel like special little snowflakes who nobody understands,” but hey, I guess I’m that special snowflake in this case lol. This book felt like Kaminski was documenting my life and inner world. He helped me understand why I’m not a fan of socializing, but I can do it when necessary. With the stories of his many patients, I realized I’m not the only one who feels this way either.
This book helped me feel less bad for regularly avoiding social situations and seeing the world differently. He explains how otroverts don’t really follow social norms, and just kind of do their own thing. Not because they’re trying to rebel, but just because we understand why the norms are there but think some of them are a bit silly. Unfortunately, many people aren’t fans of this.
I will say, I might be extremely bias because I connected with this book so much. At certain points, I was thinking, “Is this how people feel when they read about their astrological signs or take the Myers-Briggs test?” But whatever, I just embraced it.
In my opinion, if you can connect with a book like this and it makes you feel less alone, and it doesn’t hurt anyone, lean into it. That’s exactly what this book did for me. Now, I’m trying to get my fiancee to read it since we both fall into this ontrovert camp. I’m definitely going to re-read it any time I’m feeling like a weirdo.
Oh, one last thing. As he describes otroverts, I kept thinking, “Oh great. People are going to use this as a way to self-diagnose themselves as autistic,” but the author does an excellent job explaining that this is not autism. I think most of the people who think they’re autistic would read this book and realize what’s actually going on rather than trying to slap a label on that isn’t suited for them.
I’ve recently been thinking about re-reading Quiet, the famous book about introverts, but I connected with this book even more. In the summary it says, “Unlike introverts, they are not shy or quiet, and do not quickly tire from one-on-one socializing. Yet in large groups they feel uncomfortable, alienated, and alone.”
I usually see books like this and am like, “Oh great. Another book trying to make people feel like special little snowflakes who nobody understands,” but hey, I guess I’m that special snowflake in this case lol. This book felt like Kaminski was documenting my life and inner world. He helped me understand why I’m not a fan of socializing, but I can do it when necessary. With the stories of his many patients, I realized I’m not the only one who feels this way either.
This book helped me feel less bad for regularly avoiding social situations and seeing the world differently. He explains how otroverts don’t really follow social norms, and just kind of do their own thing. Not because they’re trying to rebel, but just because we understand why the norms are there but think some of them are a bit silly. Unfortunately, many people aren’t fans of this.
I will say, I might be extremely bias because I connected with this book so much. At certain points, I was thinking, “Is this how people feel when they read about their astrological signs or take the Myers-Briggs test?” But whatever, I just embraced it.
In my opinion, if you can connect with a book like this and it makes you feel less alone, and it doesn’t hurt anyone, lean into it. That’s exactly what this book did for me. Now, I’m trying to get my fiancee to read it since we both fall into this ontrovert camp. I’m definitely going to re-read it any time I’m feeling like a weirdo.
Oh, one last thing. As he describes otroverts, I kept thinking, “Oh great. People are going to use this as a way to self-diagnose themselves as autistic,” but the author does an excellent job explaining that this is not autism. I think most of the people who think they’re autistic would read this book and realize what’s actually going on rather than trying to slap a label on that isn’t suited for them.
August 17, 2025
This is a weirdly self-serving book and I wouldn’t recommend it. The author presents a new personality profile—the otrovert—but provides only his own anecdotal evidence to support his claims. He talks up all the positive attributes of otroverts (of which he is one) while simultaneously insulting everyone else. He is especially critical of individuals who prefer socializing over solitude (extroverts) and takes a dim and inaccurate view of introverts (meek). He dismisses neurodivergence as a possible explanation for otroversion by limiting his discussion of autism and ADHD to the narrow DSM definitions. The personalities he describes (including his own) seem easily explained by some combo of introversion and neurodivergence. I think there is an interesting and important discussion to be had about the gifts of not belonging, and I appreciated many of his insights, but the overall premise of this book lacks credibility. (Also, I pulled my old copy of Quiet off the shelf to double check that I remembered it correctly. Susan Cain’s book on introversion is heavily researched and very worth reading.)
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June 17, 2025I received a review copy from the publisher but will be holding my review because of the following : my copy is missing a bibliography and there is no evidence beyond the anecdotal that would back up the author’s claims. I was also unable to find recent scholarship published by the author on the subject, which would be the norm when positing a new theory in psychology. This information combined with a recent ethics accusation, which may or may not be accurate, is concerning. I will post my review once I have additional information regarding the book’s contents and the author’s ethos,
August 30, 2025
This book is a confused, self-congratulatory mess that never delivers on its central idea. When you begin by bungling the definitions of introversion and extroversion completely before introducing your half-formed concept of a third category, you're off to a bad start... And what follows is an incoherent attempt to elevate this idea into a movement, while refusing to allow for any nuance. It's very binary. Either you are otrovert, or... well, you're pretty much just laden with any kind of negative character trait you could think of. The book goes through a lot of them for all of the different non-otroverts. All the while otroverts are portrayed as the unsung heroes and weridly defined down to the most miniscule and random details, such as not enjoying playing soccer.
The writing leans heavily on self-promotion. At one point, under the guise of “independent, original thinking,” the author proudly declares himself not just good but excellent at what he does. And yet, he refuses to use any sort of scientific methods to underpin his ideas. He relies solely on anecdotal experience, subjective perception and a healthy dose of hybris regarding his own character to lay out his theory in the form of universal facts. And so, the substance never matches the swagger. The book is littered with random claims presented one after the other —“Introverts are shy,” “People with ADHD are fundamentally communal,” or the absurd suggestion that “otroverts do not display any of these cognitive particularities” (speaking of neurodivergence) — with no citations or evidence and no respect for the fact that people are many things at the same time and being an "otrovert" surely can not make you immune any kind of neurological condition...?
The tone often veers into the downright dumb, such as describing how “for communal people, a flag is imbued with special value … but for the otrovert it is merely a piece of cloth.” Passages like this reduce complex human experiences to caricatures, seemingly only to highlight the supposed superiority of the “almighty otrovert.” Often times, it seems the book is trying to pander to a post-pandemic generation of isolated readers looking to rebrand their solitude as uniqueness, rather than confronting the reality of them having willfully withdrawn into online comfort zones.
To its slight credit, the book does accidentally land on some generic life advice—“live your life the way you want, not anyone else’s”— but that could apply to anyone, not just self-styled “otroverts.” And this thin sliver of superficial and trivial usefulness is buried beneath pages of pseudo-facts, shallow thinking, and a fundamental misunderstanding of the very concepts it tries to redefine.
The writing leans heavily on self-promotion. At one point, under the guise of “independent, original thinking,” the author proudly declares himself not just good but excellent at what he does. And yet, he refuses to use any sort of scientific methods to underpin his ideas. He relies solely on anecdotal experience, subjective perception and a healthy dose of hybris regarding his own character to lay out his theory in the form of universal facts. And so, the substance never matches the swagger. The book is littered with random claims presented one after the other —“Introverts are shy,” “People with ADHD are fundamentally communal,” or the absurd suggestion that “otroverts do not display any of these cognitive particularities” (speaking of neurodivergence) — with no citations or evidence and no respect for the fact that people are many things at the same time and being an "otrovert" surely can not make you immune any kind of neurological condition...?
The tone often veers into the downright dumb, such as describing how “for communal people, a flag is imbued with special value … but for the otrovert it is merely a piece of cloth.” Passages like this reduce complex human experiences to caricatures, seemingly only to highlight the supposed superiority of the “almighty otrovert.” Often times, it seems the book is trying to pander to a post-pandemic generation of isolated readers looking to rebrand their solitude as uniqueness, rather than confronting the reality of them having willfully withdrawn into online comfort zones.
To its slight credit, the book does accidentally land on some generic life advice—“live your life the way you want, not anyone else’s”— but that could apply to anyone, not just self-styled “otroverts.” And this thin sliver of superficial and trivial usefulness is buried beneath pages of pseudo-facts, shallow thinking, and a fundamental misunderstanding of the very concepts it tries to redefine.
June 1, 2025
in the gift of not belonging: how outsiders thrive in a world of joiners, rami kaminski, psychiatrist and founder of the otherness institute, offers an intriguing introduction and overview of the otrovert personality. coined by kaminski himself, an otrovert (from the spanish otro meaning ‘other’) “embodies the personality trait of non-belonging: remaining an eternal outsider in a communal world. unlike those with relational disorders, otroverts are empathetic and friendly, yet struggle to truly belong in social groups, despite no apparent behavioral distinctions from well-adjusted individuals.”
self-identifying as otroverted, kaminski’s fascinating pop-psy book uses case studies of his own patients as well as his own research to proffer a new personality type distinctive from the more well-known introvert and extrovert (this is definitely not a melding of the two). otroversion is characterized by a lack of communal impulse, a sense of (and preference for) being an observer as opposed to a participant, non-conformity, and independent, original thinking (eschewing hive mind groupthink), among other qualities. with examples from his clinical work spanning decades, kaminski makes a convincing and thoughtful case. engagingly written, the gift of not belonging seeks to teach about the otrovert personality, with emphasis on what makes them different, while looking across the course of a life spanning childhood, adolescence, romance, work, old age, and death.
self-identifying as otroverted, kaminski’s fascinating pop-psy book uses case studies of his own patients as well as his own research to proffer a new personality type distinctive from the more well-known introvert and extrovert (this is definitely not a melding of the two). otroversion is characterized by a lack of communal impulse, a sense of (and preference for) being an observer as opposed to a participant, non-conformity, and independent, original thinking (eschewing hive mind groupthink), among other qualities. with examples from his clinical work spanning decades, kaminski makes a convincing and thoughtful case. engagingly written, the gift of not belonging seeks to teach about the otrovert personality, with emphasis on what makes them different, while looking across the course of a life spanning childhood, adolescence, romance, work, old age, and death.
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August 29, 2025DNF. Don’t recommend. The author believes he has discovered a new personality type based mostly on his own experience. What he describes is easily explained by a number of other well-researched and established theories- I can think of introversion, neurodivergence, personality disorders (or subclinical symptoms of those), and attachment issues off the top of my head. Additionally, I’ve learned as a both a therapist and middle-aged person, that feeling “different” is actually incredibly common. We live in a very superficial culture that leaves many - if not most- feeling emotionally disconnected from others, even if nothing is “wrong.” This lack of vulnerability required for true connection has left so many people feeling alone in a crowd. I don’t know how this book got green-lit, but clearly no experienced mental health professionals vetted this. And by experienced, I mean therapists that don’t just work with rich and famous people.
September 5, 2025
I'm honestly not sure how to feel about this book.
On the one hand, it tells me everything about myself that I want to hear. There's nothing wrong with me; I'm not neurodivergent or introverted or socially flawed; I just reject groupthink and group dynamics and am super special and awesome for it.
Problem being, it tells me everything about myself that I want to hear, and it rings a bit false, while simultaneously discarding the vast majority of the population as communal sheep whereas we, the otroverts, are above all of that.
My reluctance to group affiliation and skepticism of politics and organized religion could be a result of a "special otrovert mind", or it could be the result of ADHD, extensive bullying, and an unstable home life with a lot of moving around that caused me to not really fit in anywhere, thus intrinsically skeptical of "groups" since I've never had the opportunity to belong to one.
So I don't know. It was a fast read. It also seems somewhat suspicious that the author not only identifies himself as an otrovert, but has an institution for otroverts with quizzes that will pretty much identify anyone as an otrovert, which seems a profit motivated way to tap into a society that increasingly lacks a sense of belonging.
I'm also a physician. So an entire book written by a psychiatrist that lacks references, peer review, and relies entirely on anecdotes and vibe checks seems... unscientific, to say the least.
OTOH, the book was a gift from someone who was like "Here. This is you." So maybe he's onto something.
On the one hand, it tells me everything about myself that I want to hear. There's nothing wrong with me; I'm not neurodivergent or introverted or socially flawed; I just reject groupthink and group dynamics and am super special and awesome for it.
Problem being, it tells me everything about myself that I want to hear, and it rings a bit false, while simultaneously discarding the vast majority of the population as communal sheep whereas we, the otroverts, are above all of that.
My reluctance to group affiliation and skepticism of politics and organized religion could be a result of a "special otrovert mind", or it could be the result of ADHD, extensive bullying, and an unstable home life with a lot of moving around that caused me to not really fit in anywhere, thus intrinsically skeptical of "groups" since I've never had the opportunity to belong to one.
So I don't know. It was a fast read. It also seems somewhat suspicious that the author not only identifies himself as an otrovert, but has an institution for otroverts with quizzes that will pretty much identify anyone as an otrovert, which seems a profit motivated way to tap into a society that increasingly lacks a sense of belonging.
I'm also a physician. So an entire book written by a psychiatrist that lacks references, peer review, and relies entirely on anecdotes and vibe checks seems... unscientific, to say the least.
OTOH, the book was a gift from someone who was like "Here. This is you." So maybe he's onto something.
July 7, 2025
TITLE: THE GIFT OF NOT BELONGING
AUTHOR: Rami Kaminski
PUB DATE: 06.17.2025
Have you ever felt like an outsider, even when you're surrounded by people?
You’re not alone! Dr. Rami Kaminski’s eye-opening book The Gift of Not Belonging introduces us to the concept of the otrovert—someone who doesn’t quite fit into any group, not because they’re shy or introverted, but because they simply don’t feel a sense of belonging, no matter how popular or socially connected they are.
Unlike introverts, who seek solitude to recharge, and extroverts, who thrive in large groups, otroverts often feel most at peace when they’re alone or in small, intimate settings. But here’s the twist: not belonging is actually a hidden strength. Kaminski reveals how embracing this unique perspective can lead to a rich, fulfilling life. Rather than trying to fit in or follow societal norms, you can learn to trust your own instincts and build deep, meaningful connections on your terms.
In a world that constantly pushes us to be part of a group, it’s easy to feel disconnected when you don’t “belong.” But Kaminski argues that the lack of fitting in can actually give you the freedom to create your own identity and live authentically. It’s a powerful reminder that not belonging isn’t a weakness—it’s a gift.
AUTHOR: Rami Kaminski
PUB DATE: 06.17.2025
Have you ever felt like an outsider, even when you're surrounded by people?
You’re not alone! Dr. Rami Kaminski’s eye-opening book The Gift of Not Belonging introduces us to the concept of the otrovert—someone who doesn’t quite fit into any group, not because they’re shy or introverted, but because they simply don’t feel a sense of belonging, no matter how popular or socially connected they are.
Unlike introverts, who seek solitude to recharge, and extroverts, who thrive in large groups, otroverts often feel most at peace when they’re alone or in small, intimate settings. But here’s the twist: not belonging is actually a hidden strength. Kaminski reveals how embracing this unique perspective can lead to a rich, fulfilling life. Rather than trying to fit in or follow societal norms, you can learn to trust your own instincts and build deep, meaningful connections on your terms.
In a world that constantly pushes us to be part of a group, it’s easy to feel disconnected when you don’t “belong.” But Kaminski argues that the lack of fitting in can actually give you the freedom to create your own identity and live authentically. It’s a powerful reminder that not belonging isn’t a weakness—it’s a gift.
August 4, 2025
QUICK NOTE TO READERS: The appendix comes with an "Are you an otrovert?" style quiz. I would suggest doing the quiz before reading deep into this one and then circle back after you have completed the book to make sure there is no recency bias in the quiz results. (I had completed about 40% of the book at the time and, despite my best attempts to not be influenced by the content, I scored a 236/280 and this will never know if that score is accurate. You have been warned!
I came to this title with great apprehension, because the desire to be dropped into a category to give your life more context is always great, but there are always snakeoil salesmen along the road to self-actualization that are not based on actual science (I AM CALLING YOU OUT, BRIGGS-MEYER).
Otrovert
[noun, adjective ot-truh-vert; verb ot-truh-vert] An "otrovert" embodies the personality trait of non-belonging: remaining an eternal outsider in a communal world. Unlike those with relational disorders, otroverts are empathetic and friendly, yet struggle to truly belong in social groups, despite no apparent behavioral distinctions from well-adjusted individuals.
There are 2 points of contention that I am slamming my head against preventing to allow me to accept this designation:
a) While the author is a practicing doctor, the concept is derived from his patient files. Much like Sigmund Freud (whose theory of psychoanalysis was based on wealthy Austrian female patients, and ignored certain aspects of their medical history), his current data is shallow and anecdotal. Also, the designation of otrovert is also something that he applies to himself. I would welcome being convinced otherwise when I see this idea successfully jump through the hoops of scientific rigour.
b) His definition of otrovertism carves into the introvert/extrovert dynamic, and I feel that some of his terms are redefined solely to serve his argument. I am a dyed-in-the-wool introvert and some of his termsfor this book (i.e. that both introverts and extroverts are actually both communial) make no sense to me. Of course, I could actually be an otrovert and have mislabelled myself incorrecty. I am open to this idea, but please see point A
That said, and I am being 100% genuine here, I have never felt more seen than I do in this discussions in this book. If an otrovert is actually a thing, then I am definitely it.
If I see more science (or footnotes and a bibliography from Kaminski's work), I would gladly revisit my review here.
August 3, 2025
I found the book very relatable, impactful, and thought-provoking. I find the tone off-putting, and that second impression is reinforced by how much the author is personally highlighted in the promotional materials. To some extent this is normal for book promotion, but viscerally, he reminds me too much of charismatically abusive community leaders. I realize that sounds very specific, but - it's a vibe.
So, I don't quite know where that leaves me. I'm interested in other people's takes on the book, and if there are any other sources.
... oh yeah, the fact that there are absolutely no citations is bad. Actually I'm editing my rating down just for that. Thought provoking, but on shaky factual ground.
So, I don't quite know where that leaves me. I'm interested in other people's takes on the book, and if there are any other sources.
... oh yeah, the fact that there are absolutely no citations is bad. Actually I'm editing my rating down just for that. Thought provoking, but on shaky factual ground.
September 9, 2025
One sentence review: A catchy idea, but without scientific grounding the otrovert feels more like a flattering horoscope than a real personality type.
Longer version:
This book introduces a new personality type, the otrovert—an independent thinker who resists group norms, may be socially skilled and even popular, yet doesn’t draw energy from social interactions. It’s a description that will appeal to anyone who has ever felt like an outsider. And that’s exactly the problem: the book relies heavily on the Forer effect, offering traits vague and flattering enough to apply to almost anyone.
As the book progresses, Kaminski ascribes more and more qualities to the otrovert: how they think, behave at work, and approach relationships. In his telling, the otrovert becomes a kind of mythical figure—and unsurprisingly, the author identifies as one himself.
What bothers me most is that Kaminski’s authority rests on anecdotes and self-study, not scientific research. Unlike established models such as the Big Five, which see traits as continua, he presents the otrovert as a rigid and highly detailed category. Some readers may embrace the label and love the book, (much like Thomas Erikson’s color-coded personality types). I closed it disappointed by how unscientific it turned out to be.
Longer version:
This book introduces a new personality type, the otrovert—an independent thinker who resists group norms, may be socially skilled and even popular, yet doesn’t draw energy from social interactions. It’s a description that will appeal to anyone who has ever felt like an outsider. And that’s exactly the problem: the book relies heavily on the Forer effect, offering traits vague and flattering enough to apply to almost anyone.
As the book progresses, Kaminski ascribes more and more qualities to the otrovert: how they think, behave at work, and approach relationships. In his telling, the otrovert becomes a kind of mythical figure—and unsurprisingly, the author identifies as one himself.
What bothers me most is that Kaminski’s authority rests on anecdotes and self-study, not scientific research. Unlike established models such as the Big Five, which see traits as continua, he presents the otrovert as a rigid and highly detailed category. Some readers may embrace the label and love the book, (much like Thomas Erikson’s color-coded personality types). I closed it disappointed by how unscientific it turned out to be.
July 7, 2025
This author defines a new personality type to add to the extrovert/introvert dichotomy, the otrovert, which is basically a person who doesn't feel like they belong to any group. I understand the distinction, I don't think it's trivial. However, I feel like the book is hurt by the author also identifying as an otrovert. In many cases, it's hard to tell if some of the characteristics he defines are a characteristic of him or a characteristic of every otrovert. For instance, he mentions that otroverts have emotional self sufficiency because they don't rely on group validation. However, in my opinion, that doesn't mean they don't rely on validation from an individual, especially an individual whose ideas they respect and find valid. I also don't think otroversion is necessarily the default in the sense that if you leave a person to naturally mature in the world, they will become an otrovert. I think it's likely that something happens in life that would drive a person to become an otrovert, maybe minor trauma related to fitting in (nothing drastic like severe bullying), having a parent who is resistant to exposing the child to new experiences, growing up isolated from other children, etc. One part I found interesting was the section on empathy. The author talks about how many feel empathy by assuming that others are like them and going from there (I would have done X if I was in this situation), but the otrovert starts at the internal state of the individual, which makes them less judgmental.
December 21, 2025
The true otrovert does not need this book to validate them.
October 3, 2025
finally, a group I can belong to!
October 27, 2025
This book is a welcome and provocative new addition to extend the longstanding (extrovert – introvert) binary. I sent the new disclaimer to several friends who would resonate it. I have never felt a strong communal drive and resonated quite strongly with the sentiments of this book describing the new classification as the ‘observer’ who needs little reassurance on their own unique value systems and strong attachment to autonomy of the self, self-discovery, fluidly gregarious and social within comfortable and deeply connected relationship.
Otroverts, he describes, are self-reflexive and highly socially adept yet emotionally detached from groups, capable of deep empathy without needing tribal identification or belonging. Much like other popularly oriented psychology book’s the narrative moves fluidly between personal narrative, patient notes, broader cultural reflection alongside visual symbolism and reflection. The through line of his argument is quite simple and clear, those who do not fit neatly into groups are not broken, they are just wired differently for meaning.
From a creative who always seems to have seen the world sideways and as interconnected complexity his words can feel like long awaited validation. For readers engaged in the restlessness of creative practice like artists, writers, musicians and thinkers who value separateness and often live in the margins between belonging and estrangement to translate their sense of distance into aesthetic insight. Kaminski gives that state of being a new vocabulary.
Otroverts, he describes, are self-reflexive and highly socially adept yet emotionally detached from groups, capable of deep empathy without needing tribal identification or belonging. Much like other popularly oriented psychology book’s the narrative moves fluidly between personal narrative, patient notes, broader cultural reflection alongside visual symbolism and reflection. The through line of his argument is quite simple and clear, those who do not fit neatly into groups are not broken, they are just wired differently for meaning.
From a creative who always seems to have seen the world sideways and as interconnected complexity his words can feel like long awaited validation. For readers engaged in the restlessness of creative practice like artists, writers, musicians and thinkers who value separateness and often live in the margins between belonging and estrangement to translate their sense of distance into aesthetic insight. Kaminski gives that state of being a new vocabulary.
August 30, 2025
In the great social dialogue about who is an Extrovert and who is an Introvert, Dr. Rami Kaminski has side-stepped this whole discussion with his introduction of a different personality type: the Otrovert. Dr. Kaminski, who has over 40 years as a practicing therapist, discovered in the therapy sessions that he led that there was a type of personality that was not covered by EXT or INT. These patients of his disliked joining big groups, craved one-on-one socialization and often had a strong, internal sense of values and self-worth. This book is a wonderful tool for anyone who has admonished themselves for not being "social enough" or "cooperative" or "trying harder to make friends." I found this book fascinating not the least because I often feel alone in large social gatherings but also because now I have had some reference for the specific ways that I view majority opinions, authority and "the 'in' crowd." This is a guide I'd wished I'd had through high school and college.
November 11, 2025
Too repetitive. I put this book down about halfway through and I won't finish it. I understand the otrovert concept, but somehow I feel that a lot of "loneliness" that might go with this concept is simply overlooked. I found the test at the end a good selling idea; a bit odd, but why not. Might do the test for fun.
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August 26, 2025There are countless books about how people can connect better, join groups more effectively, and find their place in a collective. Yet "The Gift of Not Belonging" by Rami Kaminski takes an entirely different perspective, arguing that not fitting in is not a weakness but a hidden strength. Many people experience a subtle, aching sense of being on the outside looking in. They follow the scripts of laughter, conversation, and small talk, yet remain aware that their sense of belonging feels performed rather than authentic. Kaminski identifies these individuals as 'otroverts,' a term he introduces to describe people who neither orient themselves inward like introverts nor outward toward groups like extroverts. Instead, they stand at an unusual angle to social life, one that grants them freedom, independence, and insight, even if it often leaves them misunderstood.
Kaminski presents the otrovert as a figure who complicates conventional categories. These individuals often display warmth, charisma, and strong interpersonal skills in one-on-one situations but are uninterested in conforming to the expectations of groups. Unlike introverts, they are not overwhelmed by social energy, and unlike extroverts, they do not seek validation through crowds. Their orientation is not toward fitting in but toward preserving their autonomy. This tendency, Kaminski argues, is not a defect to be cured but a natural disposition, as fundamental as being left-handed. Trying to mold them into joiners inevitably creates dissonance and unhappiness. Accepting their difference, on the other hand, allows them to thrive.
Because their behavior doesn’t easily fit stereotypes, otroverts are often misread. Many people assume they are introverts who dislike company or that they suffer from social anxiety. But Kaminski stresses the difference. Introverts retreat inward because they find group dynamics overwhelming, while otroverts remain outward-facing but detached from group identity. They notice every signal and cue, yet feel no compulsion to participate in the shared illusion of belonging. Others mistake them for rebels or contrarians, but this too is inaccurate. They are not deliberately resisting norms out of ideology - they simply do not perceive collective identity as meaningful in the first place. Even their ability to perform socially, by adopting roles like host or entertainer, can be deceptive, masking the fact that beneath the performance lies an enduring independence.
Kaminski highlights how challenging it can be to live as an otrovert in a society designed around conformity. From childhood onward, individuals are trained to share, cooperate, and seek validation through group membership. Most people internalize this training until it feels natural. Otroverts, however, never fully absorb it. They may learn to play along for survival, but the sense of belonging never becomes authentic. This dissonance can create tension in families, schools, and workplaces, where conformity is rewarded and nonconformity is often pathologized. Too many otroverts end up mislabeled with disorders they do not have, from anxiety to developmental conditions, when in truth their difference lies in orientation, not pathology.
Life for an otrovert unfolds in distinctive stages. In childhood, they often prefer the company of adults to peers, exhibit deep curiosity, and resist group play. They may excel in areas that interest them but struggle with activities that require broad conformity, like team sports or group projects. Adolescence can be especially difficult, since it is a stage where the pressure to belong intensifies. Some otroverts cope by adopting exaggerated personas that mimic extroversion, though this often leads to unhappiness until they return to their authentic selves. In adulthood, the workplace presents another obstacle. Corporate culture, with its endless meetings and collaborative requirements, can feel suffocating. Many otroverts flourish only after finding careers that grant independence, creativity, or leadership roles where they set the terms of engagement. Interestingly, Kaminski notes that aging often brings relief. As communal people panic at the fragility of belonging, otroverts, long accustomed to standing apart, are more at peace with solitude and mortality.
The central message of Kaminski’s work is not simply diagnostic but celebratory. Otroverts possess unique advantages precisely because they are detached from collective identity. Their independence from groupthink allows them to question assumptions others take for granted. This capacity for critical distance makes them natural innovators, willing to ask 'what if' in environments dominated by conventional wisdom. Kaminski describes his own work with patients once labeled 'nonresponders' in psychiatric care - individuals dismissed as hopeless cases. Refusing to accept the system’s consensus, he reevaluated them individually and discovered that with the right support, many could reclaim fulfilling lives. This refusal to bow to collective judgment exemplifies the otrovert’s strength.
Otroverts also benefit from profound self-trust. Where communal people often crave reassurance, otroverts rely on their own instincts, even when those instincts defy the expectations of others. This allows them to make unconventional choices without succumbing to guilt or doubt. They also bring authenticity to relationships. Though they dislike group dynamics, they excel in one-on-one connections where conversation bypasses superficialities and heads straight into substance. These bonds, while fewer in number, are often marked by loyalty, depth, and sincerity. Finally, their refusal to abandon their inner world equips them with unusually rich imaginations. While communal people often suppress thoughts or feelings they fear are socially unacceptable, otroverts explore them freely, drawing creative power from their inner lives.
Kaminski’s insights challenge the assumption that happiness depends on fitting in. He argues instead that fulfillment comes from embracing one’s authentic disposition. For otroverts, this means rejecting the exhausting charade of constant belonging and instead cultivating a life centered on meaningful work, genuine relationships, and the freedom of solitude. Far from being a flaw, otroversion offers a rare vantage point from which to see clearly the illusions of conformity. In a world preoccupied with blending in, otroverts remind us of the transformative potential of standing apart.
Ultimately, "The Gift of Not Belonging" redefines what it means to thrive. Kaminski shows that otroverts, who might once have been dismissed as misfits, actually embody strengths that society urgently needs: independence of thought, resilience in solitude, and the courage to question assumptions. Their lives remind us that true connection does not require conformity and that individuality can be a source of profound power. In celebrating otroverts, Kaminski invites all readers to reconsider the value of belonging itself. Perhaps the deepest belonging comes not from losing oneself in the crowd but from embracing the freedom of authenticity. In this sense, the gift of not belonging is not just for outsiders - it is a lesson for everyone.
Kaminski presents the otrovert as a figure who complicates conventional categories. These individuals often display warmth, charisma, and strong interpersonal skills in one-on-one situations but are uninterested in conforming to the expectations of groups. Unlike introverts, they are not overwhelmed by social energy, and unlike extroverts, they do not seek validation through crowds. Their orientation is not toward fitting in but toward preserving their autonomy. This tendency, Kaminski argues, is not a defect to be cured but a natural disposition, as fundamental as being left-handed. Trying to mold them into joiners inevitably creates dissonance and unhappiness. Accepting their difference, on the other hand, allows them to thrive.
Because their behavior doesn’t easily fit stereotypes, otroverts are often misread. Many people assume they are introverts who dislike company or that they suffer from social anxiety. But Kaminski stresses the difference. Introverts retreat inward because they find group dynamics overwhelming, while otroverts remain outward-facing but detached from group identity. They notice every signal and cue, yet feel no compulsion to participate in the shared illusion of belonging. Others mistake them for rebels or contrarians, but this too is inaccurate. They are not deliberately resisting norms out of ideology - they simply do not perceive collective identity as meaningful in the first place. Even their ability to perform socially, by adopting roles like host or entertainer, can be deceptive, masking the fact that beneath the performance lies an enduring independence.
Kaminski highlights how challenging it can be to live as an otrovert in a society designed around conformity. From childhood onward, individuals are trained to share, cooperate, and seek validation through group membership. Most people internalize this training until it feels natural. Otroverts, however, never fully absorb it. They may learn to play along for survival, but the sense of belonging never becomes authentic. This dissonance can create tension in families, schools, and workplaces, where conformity is rewarded and nonconformity is often pathologized. Too many otroverts end up mislabeled with disorders they do not have, from anxiety to developmental conditions, when in truth their difference lies in orientation, not pathology.
Life for an otrovert unfolds in distinctive stages. In childhood, they often prefer the company of adults to peers, exhibit deep curiosity, and resist group play. They may excel in areas that interest them but struggle with activities that require broad conformity, like team sports or group projects. Adolescence can be especially difficult, since it is a stage where the pressure to belong intensifies. Some otroverts cope by adopting exaggerated personas that mimic extroversion, though this often leads to unhappiness until they return to their authentic selves. In adulthood, the workplace presents another obstacle. Corporate culture, with its endless meetings and collaborative requirements, can feel suffocating. Many otroverts flourish only after finding careers that grant independence, creativity, or leadership roles where they set the terms of engagement. Interestingly, Kaminski notes that aging often brings relief. As communal people panic at the fragility of belonging, otroverts, long accustomed to standing apart, are more at peace with solitude and mortality.
The central message of Kaminski’s work is not simply diagnostic but celebratory. Otroverts possess unique advantages precisely because they are detached from collective identity. Their independence from groupthink allows them to question assumptions others take for granted. This capacity for critical distance makes them natural innovators, willing to ask 'what if' in environments dominated by conventional wisdom. Kaminski describes his own work with patients once labeled 'nonresponders' in psychiatric care - individuals dismissed as hopeless cases. Refusing to accept the system’s consensus, he reevaluated them individually and discovered that with the right support, many could reclaim fulfilling lives. This refusal to bow to collective judgment exemplifies the otrovert’s strength.
Otroverts also benefit from profound self-trust. Where communal people often crave reassurance, otroverts rely on their own instincts, even when those instincts defy the expectations of others. This allows them to make unconventional choices without succumbing to guilt or doubt. They also bring authenticity to relationships. Though they dislike group dynamics, they excel in one-on-one connections where conversation bypasses superficialities and heads straight into substance. These bonds, while fewer in number, are often marked by loyalty, depth, and sincerity. Finally, their refusal to abandon their inner world equips them with unusually rich imaginations. While communal people often suppress thoughts or feelings they fear are socially unacceptable, otroverts explore them freely, drawing creative power from their inner lives.
Kaminski’s insights challenge the assumption that happiness depends on fitting in. He argues instead that fulfillment comes from embracing one’s authentic disposition. For otroverts, this means rejecting the exhausting charade of constant belonging and instead cultivating a life centered on meaningful work, genuine relationships, and the freedom of solitude. Far from being a flaw, otroversion offers a rare vantage point from which to see clearly the illusions of conformity. In a world preoccupied with blending in, otroverts remind us of the transformative potential of standing apart.
Ultimately, "The Gift of Not Belonging" redefines what it means to thrive. Kaminski shows that otroverts, who might once have been dismissed as misfits, actually embody strengths that society urgently needs: independence of thought, resilience in solitude, and the courage to question assumptions. Their lives remind us that true connection does not require conformity and that individuality can be a source of profound power. In celebrating otroverts, Kaminski invites all readers to reconsider the value of belonging itself. Perhaps the deepest belonging comes not from losing oneself in the crowd but from embracing the freedom of authenticity. In this sense, the gift of not belonging is not just for outsiders - it is a lesson for everyone.
December 22, 2025
I wish I could give this book more than five stars. I’ve spent my entire life believing something was wrong with me, constantly feeling like I needed to fix myself because I thought the only “right” way to exist was the way everyone else did—the way society accepted. This book made me feel truly seen for the first time. It felt as if every page was speaking directly to who I am, and that experience was both deeply validating, incredibly relieving, and completely freeing. For the first time, I understand myself, and I know now that I don’t need to fix anything. It’s okay to simply be me. I’ve never felt this clarity before, and I’m proud to finally be unapologetically myself—without the pressure to change to fit in. Reading this book felt like finding the light I’ve been searching for my entire life.
November 23, 2025
Interesting concepts. I’m not sure how much research backs up the authors claims of a new personality type, but hey intro/extrovert/ ambivert.. now otrovert, I can see it.
July 22, 2025
Really interesting conceptually, though in a few parts I thought the assertions of what people would or wouldn't do were overly universalized for a personality category that the author claims is quite large. I generally don't like sweeping statements of commonality. I really did enjoy the broader sweep of the book and the case it builds. It was nice to know that lots of other people couldn't care less about pop culture, think it's dumb to conform for the sake of conforming and did even when young, and genuinely can't understand why respect would be based on someone's title instead of their leadership capabilities and ideas. It would have helped during the 10 years I spent despising working in a big bureaucracy and wondering why those around me were so unbothered by all the things that didn't work or weren't efficient.
September 23, 2025
Interesting idea and thesis but lacked any solid theoretical grounding, no citations from others in the field, no real studies or data, only anecdotal experiences from the author’s career as a psychiatrist. I understand it’s written for a lay audience but I couldn’t trust his information without more context. It also seemed to me that the author was projecting many of his own personal experiences onto the broader group of "otroverts," and the venn diagram of "otroversion" and "Rami Kaminski's personal quirks" might be a circle. I wish the book had been more thoroughly researched.
September 22, 2025
I wish this book had been better fleshed out, more heavily researched and just generally more credible because I identified so much with this premise and admittedly a lot of the book was very validating (yes I am a special snowflake) but yeah I would echo a lot of the criticism about the total lack of scientific rigour lol
October 10, 2025
Kaminski has touched upon something valuable here, but I found it frustrating how rigid he is in his definition. I identify pretty strongly with about 90% of the things he says, and my score for the "are you an otrovert" quiz at the end indicates that I very, very clearly am without question. And yet, he continually said things like "an otrovert would never..." and I'd think "yes I absolutely would". Perhaps he is too mired in his own otroversion to see some nuances. Or perhaps it's just a lack of imagination. Why does someone who lacks a communal drive HAVE to be conflict averse? Couldn't a lack of care for what the community thinks lead to being perfectly comfortable with conflict? Is it really impossible for an otrovert to be competitive or career driven? (As if finding success in one's career can't be intrinsically motivated 🙄.) His insistence that there's only one way to be an otrovert seems rigid and honestly very silly, since it runs counter to his goal of getting this idea out there and understood better by more people. I spent much of this book wanting to argue with him about his own theory.
The majority of the book is about helping people accept and feel validated in their otroversion. This makes sense, as I'm sure many people really need that. But if you're like me, and you immediately recognize these qualities in yourself but have already accepted them and long ago stopped feeling any need to orient yourself towards what other people like or want, then the majority of this book will not be useful to you.
I can definitely see otroversion being a distinct personality type or neuro-atypicality, but I'm not convinced it has anything to do with the introvert-extrovert spectrum. Kaminski seems to misunderstand what that spectrum even is. The idea that it's about levels of shyness is really antiquated, most definitions nowadays consider it to be about where one draws energy from (the self vs others). I've known shy extroverts and outgoing introverts. I'd argue that otroversion is really just a type of introversion, or at least that most otroverts are ALSO introverts.
The majority of the book is about helping people accept and feel validated in their otroversion. This makes sense, as I'm sure many people really need that. But if you're like me, and you immediately recognize these qualities in yourself but have already accepted them and long ago stopped feeling any need to orient yourself towards what other people like or want, then the majority of this book will not be useful to you.
I can definitely see otroversion being a distinct personality type or neuro-atypicality, but I'm not convinced it has anything to do with the introvert-extrovert spectrum. Kaminski seems to misunderstand what that spectrum even is. The idea that it's about levels of shyness is really antiquated, most definitions nowadays consider it to be about where one draws energy from (the self vs others). I've known shy extroverts and outgoing introverts. I'd argue that otroversion is really just a type of introversion, or at least that most otroverts are ALSO introverts.
October 14, 2025
I was disappointed by the narrow and limited description of neurodiversity, despite the author's new label describing a massive overlap of symptoms of neurodiversity. I understand his point is to highlight that this new discovery is a separate state (but they're not mutually exclusive) and the focus was on neurotypical people. I think it needs more scientific thought.
October 6, 2025
Reading this book has been interesting although I am not entirely convinced that there is a compelling basis for an "otrovert" category or that all individuals exhibiting the characteristics described can be grouped into one single category.
November 13, 2024
Rating: 2.5
Most people are familiar with the terms “extrovert” and “introvert”, and many are aware that these personality types were first identified by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. A few years back, Susan Cain attempted and, I think, succeeded in rehabilitating the idea of introversion, which has always had a bad rap. At best, the introvert was regarded as shy, diffident individual, afraid of her own shadow. At worst, he was the lone gunman responsible for multiple casualties at one US school or another. You know: the quiet one who always kept to himself, the one the neighbours always wondered about. In her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, Cain traced how the preference for the pro-social, outgoing, party-loving extrovert came to be viewed as the norm for the emotionally healthy American adult. She also detailed the strengths and value of those with a quieter approach to being in the world, people who required solitude, enjoyed their own company, and were drained by too much time with others.
Now, Israeli-American psychiatrist Rami Kaminski has devoted a whole book to another personality type that he’s apparently come upon many times in his four decades of practice. He calls this type the “otrovert”. Honestly? I don’t buy it. To me, Kaminski has made a critical error or two. He appears to have assumed that introversion is invariably accompanied by shyness. The otrovert, he makes clear, is not shy. While introverts are as concerned about being accepted by others and “belonging” as extroverts are, Kaminski writes, from Day 1 the otrovert, feels like an outsider, failing to identify with any group, and feeling no sense of belonging. Indisposed to small talk, the otrovert engages in deeper conversations even with strangers, forges strong, close friendships with individuals, and is preternaturally observant and intelligent. This type values his own company, but he’s not shy or retiring (the hallmarks of the introvert, according to Kaminski). Even though the otrovert is depleted by social events and communal rituals, people might actually take him for an extrovert.
Kaminski provides thumbnail sketches of many of his past patients, but his theory doesn’t seem to rest on any actual research. There’s no science here. Just long and fairly idealized descriptions of this personality type. (Did I mention that the author identifies as one?) Among other things, there’s advice to parents about what to do if they’ve got an otrovert child. The advice isn’t bad, but it applies equally well to parents dealing with an introverted kid. That’s because, in my mind at least, otroverts don’t exist. They’re just variations on introverts. Kaminski also asserts that because the otrovert’s entire life has been a “solitary journey”, he or she is is more equipped to deal with death. Knowing that togetherness was only an illusion, otroverts don’t struggle with their demise as “communal” people do. There is, of course, nothing much to back up this claim (beyond the author’s report about a wise, elderly patient). And this points to the big problem with Kaminski’s book. There’s really nothing objective to support his clinical observations: no neuroimaging, no cognitive studies, or anything else to convince the reader that he’s on to something.
One thing that I did find valuable is Kaminski’s observation that deep understanding of oneself and one’s own needs (independent of what the group imposes) and acceptance of one’s difference from others can bring contentment. It is wonderful to know that with practice one can learn to rely on the remarkable resources within. So I did appreciate the author’s emphasis on self knowledge. I think he’s right that many are unaware of themselves. Their busyness, while distracting and seemingly protective, can be harmful.
This book was a quick enough and occasionally interesting read—and a few may even see themselves in his descriptions. In the end, however, I’m doubtful that The Gift of Not Belonging is going to bring about a revolution in the study of personality types.
Most people are familiar with the terms “extrovert” and “introvert”, and many are aware that these personality types were first identified by Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung. A few years back, Susan Cain attempted and, I think, succeeded in rehabilitating the idea of introversion, which has always had a bad rap. At best, the introvert was regarded as shy, diffident individual, afraid of her own shadow. At worst, he was the lone gunman responsible for multiple casualties at one US school or another. You know: the quiet one who always kept to himself, the one the neighbours always wondered about. In her book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, Cain traced how the preference for the pro-social, outgoing, party-loving extrovert came to be viewed as the norm for the emotionally healthy American adult. She also detailed the strengths and value of those with a quieter approach to being in the world, people who required solitude, enjoyed their own company, and were drained by too much time with others.
Now, Israeli-American psychiatrist Rami Kaminski has devoted a whole book to another personality type that he’s apparently come upon many times in his four decades of practice. He calls this type the “otrovert”. Honestly? I don’t buy it. To me, Kaminski has made a critical error or two. He appears to have assumed that introversion is invariably accompanied by shyness. The otrovert, he makes clear, is not shy. While introverts are as concerned about being accepted by others and “belonging” as extroverts are, Kaminski writes, from Day 1 the otrovert, feels like an outsider, failing to identify with any group, and feeling no sense of belonging. Indisposed to small talk, the otrovert engages in deeper conversations even with strangers, forges strong, close friendships with individuals, and is preternaturally observant and intelligent. This type values his own company, but he’s not shy or retiring (the hallmarks of the introvert, according to Kaminski). Even though the otrovert is depleted by social events and communal rituals, people might actually take him for an extrovert.
Kaminski provides thumbnail sketches of many of his past patients, but his theory doesn’t seem to rest on any actual research. There’s no science here. Just long and fairly idealized descriptions of this personality type. (Did I mention that the author identifies as one?) Among other things, there’s advice to parents about what to do if they’ve got an otrovert child. The advice isn’t bad, but it applies equally well to parents dealing with an introverted kid. That’s because, in my mind at least, otroverts don’t exist. They’re just variations on introverts. Kaminski also asserts that because the otrovert’s entire life has been a “solitary journey”, he or she is is more equipped to deal with death. Knowing that togetherness was only an illusion, otroverts don’t struggle with their demise as “communal” people do. There is, of course, nothing much to back up this claim (beyond the author’s report about a wise, elderly patient). And this points to the big problem with Kaminski’s book. There’s really nothing objective to support his clinical observations: no neuroimaging, no cognitive studies, or anything else to convince the reader that he’s on to something.
One thing that I did find valuable is Kaminski’s observation that deep understanding of oneself and one’s own needs (independent of what the group imposes) and acceptance of one’s difference from others can bring contentment. It is wonderful to know that with practice one can learn to rely on the remarkable resources within. So I did appreciate the author’s emphasis on self knowledge. I think he’s right that many are unaware of themselves. Their busyness, while distracting and seemingly protective, can be harmful.
This book was a quick enough and occasionally interesting read—and a few may even see themselves in his descriptions. In the end, however, I’m doubtful that The Gift of Not Belonging is going to bring about a revolution in the study of personality types.
June 24, 2025
In "The Gift of Not Belonging," Dr. Kaminski has accomplished something truly extraordinary—identifying and articulating a fundamental aspect of human personality that has long been missing in our psychological discourse. This groundbreaking work introduces the concept of "otroversion," a personality type distinct from introversion and extroversion that explains why some individuals feel fundamentally disconnected from communal structures, belonging, and groupthink.
From the opening pages, Dr. Kaminski delivers that rare and rewarding experience of encountering profound truths you've always sensed but never seen expressed. For readers who have spent their lives feeling like contrarians or outsiders—not by choice, but by nature—this book offers validation and clarity that is immensely affirming and inspiring.
Aside from clinical experience, Dr. Kaminski draws on insights from literary titans such as Kafka, Woolf, David Foster Wallace, Sartre, and Camus. These references aren't mere academic flourishes; rather, they demonstrate how otroverted thinking functions and has helped to shape some of our most important cultural voices.
One of the book's greatest strengths lies in its ability to explain the unique dichotomies of otroversion. Dr. Kaminski masterfully describes how otroverts can simultaneously loathe hierarchy while feeling comfortable in designated social roles, or why they might struggle with small talk yet excel at deep, empathic connections. These insights help readers understand themselves and others in entirely new ways.
The discussion of what the author calls the "bluetooth phenomenon"—passive social connecting—is both hilarious and incisive. Dr. K's ability to identify and name these subtle social dynamics is a testament to a keen observational eye that would make the likes of Kurt Vonnegut proud.
The book also raises fascinating questions about the correlation between being otroverted and being an "outsider". Many of society's most important cultural and technological contributors—inventors, writers, painters, thinkers, musicians, and comedians—likely fall into this category of being an "outsider". But, never before has someone articulated just why it can be so valuable to be an outsider and how one can learn to better understand their otroverted tendencies as a means to enhance their non-conformist gifts. With detailed analysis, Dr. Kaminski helps to frame otroversion for what it is -- an immensely valuable human disposition that has been a part of our society all along.
Perhaps most powerfully, Dr. Kaminski presents belonging as "a fiction, a concept that exists only in our minds." This perspective proves both liberating and profound: "In a way, nothing belongs to us, and we don't belong to anything." For otroverts, this isn't nihilistic but freeing—permission to be authentically themselves without the burden of forced conformity.
"The Gift of Not Belonging" is the kind of book that will be passed from friend to friend, especially among those who have always felt slightly outside mainstream social currents. Dr. Kaminski has created something magnificent here—a work that will help thousands, if not millions, of people understand an essential part of themselves that had been missing from their self-concept.
This is essential reading for anyone interested in personality psychology, human nature, or simply understanding the full spectrum of how people experience social connection. Like the works of the great existentialist writers Dr. Kaminski references, this book will likely become a touchstone for readers who finally see themselves clearly reflected in its pages.
Highly recommended for: Those who've felt like perpetual outsiders, non-conformists, contrarians, independent thinkers, mental health professionals, educators, and anyone seeking to understand the full range of human social experience.
From the opening pages, Dr. Kaminski delivers that rare and rewarding experience of encountering profound truths you've always sensed but never seen expressed. For readers who have spent their lives feeling like contrarians or outsiders—not by choice, but by nature—this book offers validation and clarity that is immensely affirming and inspiring.
Aside from clinical experience, Dr. Kaminski draws on insights from literary titans such as Kafka, Woolf, David Foster Wallace, Sartre, and Camus. These references aren't mere academic flourishes; rather, they demonstrate how otroverted thinking functions and has helped to shape some of our most important cultural voices.
One of the book's greatest strengths lies in its ability to explain the unique dichotomies of otroversion. Dr. Kaminski masterfully describes how otroverts can simultaneously loathe hierarchy while feeling comfortable in designated social roles, or why they might struggle with small talk yet excel at deep, empathic connections. These insights help readers understand themselves and others in entirely new ways.
The discussion of what the author calls the "bluetooth phenomenon"—passive social connecting—is both hilarious and incisive. Dr. K's ability to identify and name these subtle social dynamics is a testament to a keen observational eye that would make the likes of Kurt Vonnegut proud.
The book also raises fascinating questions about the correlation between being otroverted and being an "outsider". Many of society's most important cultural and technological contributors—inventors, writers, painters, thinkers, musicians, and comedians—likely fall into this category of being an "outsider". But, never before has someone articulated just why it can be so valuable to be an outsider and how one can learn to better understand their otroverted tendencies as a means to enhance their non-conformist gifts. With detailed analysis, Dr. Kaminski helps to frame otroversion for what it is -- an immensely valuable human disposition that has been a part of our society all along.
Perhaps most powerfully, Dr. Kaminski presents belonging as "a fiction, a concept that exists only in our minds." This perspective proves both liberating and profound: "In a way, nothing belongs to us, and we don't belong to anything." For otroverts, this isn't nihilistic but freeing—permission to be authentically themselves without the burden of forced conformity.
"The Gift of Not Belonging" is the kind of book that will be passed from friend to friend, especially among those who have always felt slightly outside mainstream social currents. Dr. Kaminski has created something magnificent here—a work that will help thousands, if not millions, of people understand an essential part of themselves that had been missing from their self-concept.
This is essential reading for anyone interested in personality psychology, human nature, or simply understanding the full spectrum of how people experience social connection. Like the works of the great existentialist writers Dr. Kaminski references, this book will likely become a touchstone for readers who finally see themselves clearly reflected in its pages.
Highly recommended for: Those who've felt like perpetual outsiders, non-conformists, contrarians, independent thinkers, mental health professionals, educators, and anyone seeking to understand the full range of human social experience.
December 28, 2024
"New" (Yet Also Obvious, At Least For This Reader) Research Marred By Lack Of Bibliography. As I noted in the title just now, really the only objective flaw in this text, at least the Advance Review Copy of it I read in December 2024 months before actual publication, is the dearth of a bibliography, clocking in at an almost non-existent 2%. Given the particularly strong claims made within this text, that is a *shockingly* small amount of evidence to support Kaminsky's claims, which while I acknowledge are based on his personal career as a therapist, still need actual documentation from outside sources in order to be more fully believed and accepted as objective reality.
This dearth of documentation was the cause of the star deduction, but otherwise this was an interesting, if obvious - at least to me - read.
Maybe it is due to being Autistic, maybe it is because I've always felt I lived my life between two worlds in virtually every possible arena, maybe it is any number of other factors, but Kaminsky's arguments about an "otrovert" - a term he is coining here to mean someone predisposed to be focused outside of any group - felt rather obvious to me. In claiming that both extroverts and introverts ultimately want to be part of whatever community they find personally valuable, but otroverts exist more along the periphery and don't feel those communal bonds as importantly... Kaminsky's arguments made a lot of personal sense to me, as this is largely the way I've felt throughout my life. Indeed, in my later teen years I actually explicitly told those around me that I needed to learn what I believed for the simple reason that I believed it to be true - not because those of my community or any other community decreed it to be true, but because I had done my own research and reached my own conclusions. At the time I believed this was something every adult should do - though as I've grown over the near three decades since, I've realized that few ever truly do. Instead, most ultimately subscribe to some minute variation of the beliefs of those around them or those they have some strong online or otherwise physically distant relationship with. Which again, makes Kaminsky's arguments ring true to my own personal observations.
But while my personal observations may flavor and direct my own personal beliefs and, through communication, can help influence the beliefs of others, I hesitate to claim my observations as true *conclusions* of objective reality and instead try to always point out that they are simply my own views. I'm just the blind mouse reporting my own observations as I feel around my own little section of the elephant, and my own direct observations could in fact be wrong in the more general and objective sense.
Which is why I *really* wanted to see a LOT more documentation here, because Kaminsky's points *do* ring true to me - but without far more documentation from far more sources, it is truly hard to know if this is just a viewpoint Kaminsky and I largely share or if there truly is this third personality type out there, and that societal understanding of this third personality type could prove beneficial in the long run *if it is shown to objectively exist*.
Read this book. Kaminsky does a great job of laying out his arguments in a largely conversational, easy to follow manner, using a lot of personal and (non identifiable) patient anecdotes. Make your own call about whether you think Kaminsky is on to something or is a crank that shouldn't be trusted. Write your own review of this book explaining which side you fall on and why. And hell, maybe together our reviews can provide a level of documentation that this text is utterly missing. :)
Very much recommended.
This dearth of documentation was the cause of the star deduction, but otherwise this was an interesting, if obvious - at least to me - read.
Maybe it is due to being Autistic, maybe it is because I've always felt I lived my life between two worlds in virtually every possible arena, maybe it is any number of other factors, but Kaminsky's arguments about an "otrovert" - a term he is coining here to mean someone predisposed to be focused outside of any group - felt rather obvious to me. In claiming that both extroverts and introverts ultimately want to be part of whatever community they find personally valuable, but otroverts exist more along the periphery and don't feel those communal bonds as importantly... Kaminsky's arguments made a lot of personal sense to me, as this is largely the way I've felt throughout my life. Indeed, in my later teen years I actually explicitly told those around me that I needed to learn what I believed for the simple reason that I believed it to be true - not because those of my community or any other community decreed it to be true, but because I had done my own research and reached my own conclusions. At the time I believed this was something every adult should do - though as I've grown over the near three decades since, I've realized that few ever truly do. Instead, most ultimately subscribe to some minute variation of the beliefs of those around them or those they have some strong online or otherwise physically distant relationship with. Which again, makes Kaminsky's arguments ring true to my own personal observations.
But while my personal observations may flavor and direct my own personal beliefs and, through communication, can help influence the beliefs of others, I hesitate to claim my observations as true *conclusions* of objective reality and instead try to always point out that they are simply my own views. I'm just the blind mouse reporting my own observations as I feel around my own little section of the elephant, and my own direct observations could in fact be wrong in the more general and objective sense.
Which is why I *really* wanted to see a LOT more documentation here, because Kaminsky's points *do* ring true to me - but without far more documentation from far more sources, it is truly hard to know if this is just a viewpoint Kaminsky and I largely share or if there truly is this third personality type out there, and that societal understanding of this third personality type could prove beneficial in the long run *if it is shown to objectively exist*.
Read this book. Kaminsky does a great job of laying out his arguments in a largely conversational, easy to follow manner, using a lot of personal and (non identifiable) patient anecdotes. Make your own call about whether you think Kaminsky is on to something or is a crank that shouldn't be trusted. Write your own review of this book explaining which side you fall on and why. And hell, maybe together our reviews can provide a level of documentation that this text is utterly missing. :)
Very much recommended.
September 1, 2025
I don't know if I buy his theory on otroverts. I think that he is mostly describing poor parented/traumatized introverts.
I say this as a person who scored very high on his little otrovert test at the end of the book.
His criteria for otroverts are:
Lack of a communal impulse
Always an observer, never a true participant
Nonconforming
Independent, or original thinking
The problem is, the first thing he said was that being an otrovert is a binary distinction. Either you are one or you aren't. You can't have a few traits and not others. Yeah, don't be saying that to people you go on to describe as original thinkers who don't confirm to what authority figures say. We'll listen to the rest of the book trying to poke holes in the theory.
Most of his otrovert clients seemed to have been sent in for therapy by parents who didn't understand that they didn't want to be rebellious teenagers. As a person who never wanted to be a rebellious teenager, I can't understand why parents would be concerned about that. Be happy you have a decent kid. Don't send them to therapy for it. I was feeling this section. I never wanted to go to camp or live in a dorm in college. Those activities sounded like hell on earth.
But then he goes on and on about how otroverts don't understand things like being a sports fan.
Happy “It’s Finally Football Season!” to those who celebrate. #vols #tennesseefootball
Yeah, that was me the "otrovert" rabid football fan posting on social media the day I was finishing this book. He gave lots of examples of groups we don't understand. I understand and do most all of them.
I'll grant him the example of otrovert not being part of the group until you give us an assigned role. I listen to a group talk for hours and never say a word but give me a microphone and I'll talk nonstop. Public speaking? Love it! Competed super successfully as a kid in it. Small talk with a person at a table at a dinner? Nope. I don't feel the need because I have nothing of significance to say. Back to the camp example - I would have never been a camper but I loved being a camp counselor because I had a role. He would call that typical otrovert behavior.
I also physically stand on the outside of a group. At family dinners I never sit at the table for longer than it takes to eat. I stand away from the table and watch while other people sit and talk. Again, I don't talk in the group discussion unless I have something pertinent to say. I don't talk for the sake of talking. I maybe say a sentence or two in 3-4 hours.
Is it just me that thinks this is pretty typical introvert behavior?
He said other things that didn't fit me and I'm not sure even make sense. He called otroverts so empathetic that they bond tightly to most people they see even casually. Everyone wants to be their friend because of it? I don't know that I've ever met anyone like that.
The author is also very dismissive of non-otrovert people. He calls them communal and refers to them as a "hive mind." He implies that they only act out of a need to do what everyone else is doing. He seems to think that everyone in this group is a person who does whatever the head of their high school clique or their favorite social media influencer tells them to do with no thoughts of their own.
If this audiobook had been any longer than 4.5 hours I would have gotten bored and DNFed it.
I say this as a person who scored very high on his little otrovert test at the end of the book.
His criteria for otroverts are:
Lack of a communal impulse
Always an observer, never a true participant
Nonconforming
Independent, or original thinking
The problem is, the first thing he said was that being an otrovert is a binary distinction. Either you are one or you aren't. You can't have a few traits and not others. Yeah, don't be saying that to people you go on to describe as original thinkers who don't confirm to what authority figures say. We'll listen to the rest of the book trying to poke holes in the theory.
Most of his otrovert clients seemed to have been sent in for therapy by parents who didn't understand that they didn't want to be rebellious teenagers. As a person who never wanted to be a rebellious teenager, I can't understand why parents would be concerned about that. Be happy you have a decent kid. Don't send them to therapy for it. I was feeling this section. I never wanted to go to camp or live in a dorm in college. Those activities sounded like hell on earth.
But then he goes on and on about how otroverts don't understand things like being a sports fan.
Happy “It’s Finally Football Season!” to those who celebrate. #vols #tennesseefootball
Yeah, that was me the "otrovert" rabid football fan posting on social media the day I was finishing this book. He gave lots of examples of groups we don't understand. I understand and do most all of them.
I'll grant him the example of otrovert not being part of the group until you give us an assigned role. I listen to a group talk for hours and never say a word but give me a microphone and I'll talk nonstop. Public speaking? Love it! Competed super successfully as a kid in it. Small talk with a person at a table at a dinner? Nope. I don't feel the need because I have nothing of significance to say. Back to the camp example - I would have never been a camper but I loved being a camp counselor because I had a role. He would call that typical otrovert behavior.
I also physically stand on the outside of a group. At family dinners I never sit at the table for longer than it takes to eat. I stand away from the table and watch while other people sit and talk. Again, I don't talk in the group discussion unless I have something pertinent to say. I don't talk for the sake of talking. I maybe say a sentence or two in 3-4 hours.
Is it just me that thinks this is pretty typical introvert behavior?
He said other things that didn't fit me and I'm not sure even make sense. He called otroverts so empathetic that they bond tightly to most people they see even casually. Everyone wants to be their friend because of it? I don't know that I've ever met anyone like that.
The author is also very dismissive of non-otrovert people. He calls them communal and refers to them as a "hive mind." He implies that they only act out of a need to do what everyone else is doing. He seems to think that everyone in this group is a person who does whatever the head of their high school clique or their favorite social media influencer tells them to do with no thoughts of their own.
If this audiobook had been any longer than 4.5 hours I would have gotten bored and DNFed it.
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