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Ребенок-оптимист. Проверенная программа формирования характера
На протяжении тридцати лет основоположник позитивной психологии Мартин Селигман и его коллеги изучали связь между пессимизмом и депрессией и доказали, что хорошее самочувствие и работоспособность — это следствия оптимистичного восприятия действительности и пережитых приятных эмоций.
В этой книге вы найдете ответы на вопросы:
- что такое оптимизм;
- как формируется позитивное и негативное восприятие жизни;
- зачем нужно воспитывать в детях оптимистичное мировоззрение;
- к пессимизму или оптимизму склонен ваш ребенок;
- как изменить отношение ребенка к трудностям и препятствиям.
В этой книге вы найдете ответы на вопросы:
- что такое оптимизм;
- как формируется позитивное и негативное восприятие жизни;
- зачем нужно воспитывать в детях оптимистичное мировоззрение;
- к пессимизму или оптимизму склонен ваш ребенок;
- как изменить отношение ребенка к трудностям и препятствиям.
352 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1995
423 people are currently reading
3420 people want to read
About the author
Martin E.P. Seligman
69 books1,176 followersSeligman is the Zellerbach Family Professor of Psychology in the University of Pennsylvania's Department of Psychology. He was previously the Director of the Clinical Training Program in the department. Seligman was elected President of the American Psychological Association by the widest margin in its history and served in that capacity during the 1998 term.[4] He is the founding editor-in-chief of Prevention and Treatment Magazine (the APA electronic journal), and is on the board of advisers of Parents.
Seligman has written about positive psychology topics such as The Optimistic Child, Child's Play, Learned Optimism, Authentic Happiness," and in 2011, "Flourish."
Seligman has written about positive psychology topics such as The Optimistic Child, Child's Play, Learned Optimism, Authentic Happiness," and in 2011, "Flourish."
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 160 reviews
March 13, 2012
I've avoided writing my review on this for a couple of reasons. First, because I wanted to try out what I learned. I wanted to examine my own behavior, give my kids the assessment, and then observe and implement some simple practices outlined in the book. Second, I've avoided writing a review because I've felt it to be a daunting task. Given that it's been several months since my initial reading and I've had time to really think about the overall book, it's time to just spit out my thoughts.
I loved this book. I loved Sligman's perspective, the informative research, the detailed practices, methodology and the curriculum he and his team crafted. I think his critique of the term "optimism" is well-founded and that we really can affect our kids/youth, along with ourselves, to be more actively engaged in pursuing positive outcomes and avoiding depressionistic cycles through deliberate and consistent cognitive thinking patterns.
As a parent, I believe this book to be darn-near invaluable. I've used what I've learned so much, and not just with my kids, but with myself as well. One of the great benefits of the material in this book is the breadth of ages and personality/learning styles that it targets (IMO). So, that being said, I felt confident in the "toolbox" from the book as I worked through the assessments (I typed up the assessments into Google docs, message me if you want the link) with my two oldest children. I actively brought up principles and behaviors, in subtle ways and sometimes not-so-subtle ways, as I attempted to help shape their mental patterns in dealing with problem scenarios. And, it's worked, in many situations. I didn't adopt the entire program, not even close, but kept it rather simple with this first go around. So in the end, I think the timing for me in reading this book was perfect for my two older kids (8, 10). It's on my bedstand and I've made a mental note to review some of the key sections every 6 months or so.
As I finished the book I was amazed at how touched I felt with Seligman's conclusion and it was a real motivation for me. I was surprised at the feelings of inspiration in really pondering and recognizing that there are very real and positive consequences associated with his research and recommendations. At this point in time, I can certainly vouch for some of it given our family's experience thus far.
I loved this book. I loved Sligman's perspective, the informative research, the detailed practices, methodology and the curriculum he and his team crafted. I think his critique of the term "optimism" is well-founded and that we really can affect our kids/youth, along with ourselves, to be more actively engaged in pursuing positive outcomes and avoiding depressionistic cycles through deliberate and consistent cognitive thinking patterns.
As a parent, I believe this book to be darn-near invaluable. I've used what I've learned so much, and not just with my kids, but with myself as well. One of the great benefits of the material in this book is the breadth of ages and personality/learning styles that it targets (IMO). So, that being said, I felt confident in the "toolbox" from the book as I worked through the assessments (I typed up the assessments into Google docs, message me if you want the link) with my two oldest children. I actively brought up principles and behaviors, in subtle ways and sometimes not-so-subtle ways, as I attempted to help shape their mental patterns in dealing with problem scenarios. And, it's worked, in many situations. I didn't adopt the entire program, not even close, but kept it rather simple with this first go around. So in the end, I think the timing for me in reading this book was perfect for my two older kids (8, 10). It's on my bedstand and I've made a mental note to review some of the key sections every 6 months or so.
As I finished the book I was amazed at how touched I felt with Seligman's conclusion and it was a real motivation for me. I was surprised at the feelings of inspiration in really pondering and recognizing that there are very real and positive consequences associated with his research and recommendations. At this point in time, I can certainly vouch for some of it given our family's experience thus far.
October 16, 2012
This book cured my depression. I'd suffered depression from age 16 until about age 28, including postpartum depression; I picked it up so I could eventually help my two-year-old but realized shortly that he was far too young to do the exercises. I did them for myself anyhow, then set the book aside to come back to in about five years.
When I came back to this book five years later, I'd no longer been suffering from depression. Even after my second baby died at two hours old, I suffered grief but not depression. On the second read, I realized I'd been putting into practice many of the techniques taught in the book.
Yes, I have written Dr. Seligman to thank him. And yes, I've recommended this book to just about everyone I can.
When I came back to this book five years later, I'd no longer been suffering from depression. Even after my second baby died at two hours old, I suffered grief but not depression. On the second read, I realized I'd been putting into practice many of the techniques taught in the book.
Yes, I have written Dr. Seligman to thank him. And yes, I've recommended this book to just about everyone I can.
December 1, 2011
I just found my notes on this book, so I will add them here:
The clearer the rules and limits parents set, the higher the child's self-esteem. "Masterful action is the crucible in which optimism is forged" (at pre-school age). Children make a habit of persisting in the face of challenges and overcoming obstacles. At school age, the way the child thinks-- especially about failure--is critical. They develop theories of what they can do to turn failure into success...the underpinnings of basic optimism.
Self-esteem is the by-product of doing well. Artificial means ("we are all special," a trophy for everyone who participates in soccer, etc.) are not effective. Studies have been done over generations now, and this recent trend of puffery has not been effective. Note the difference between causation and correlation. Good grades result in self-esteem, self-esteem does not produce good grades.
Three main things for parents:
1. Tell the truth without puffery. Address realistic expectations. Don't tell a disappointed child that his ability is just as good as everyone else's. Note things such as an older sibling have more practice or great physical ability due to age, if that is true. Help the child make a plan to practice or study the skills if he/she wants to improve.
2. Don't take over and solve the problem. Failure is not catastrophic. Interpretation is more important. Sympathize and validate the child's feelings, but don't do it yourself just to force success.
3. Counter the child's way of interpreting failure. Learned pessimism is self-fulfilling. Cognitive psychology can change thinking habits. Optimism can be learned. Habits of optimism that are taught have proven to reduce depression in life.
--------------------------
The author says that there are two traits most likely to determine a happy life: intelligence and optimism. He asserts that intelligence cannot be taught, but optimism can be a learned skill. Part of what he discusses is how to help children see a variety of points of view, and to choose their actions after predicting the consequences. Part of this is choosing not to take offense and not assigning negative motives to other people's actions. It is also recognizing that one's actions can help or hinder a friendship. I found it a good reminder that people need help in sorting out their thoughts, and processing experiences.
The clearer the rules and limits parents set, the higher the child's self-esteem. "Masterful action is the crucible in which optimism is forged" (at pre-school age). Children make a habit of persisting in the face of challenges and overcoming obstacles. At school age, the way the child thinks-- especially about failure--is critical. They develop theories of what they can do to turn failure into success...the underpinnings of basic optimism.
Self-esteem is the by-product of doing well. Artificial means ("we are all special," a trophy for everyone who participates in soccer, etc.) are not effective. Studies have been done over generations now, and this recent trend of puffery has not been effective. Note the difference between causation and correlation. Good grades result in self-esteem, self-esteem does not produce good grades.
Three main things for parents:
1. Tell the truth without puffery. Address realistic expectations. Don't tell a disappointed child that his ability is just as good as everyone else's. Note things such as an older sibling have more practice or great physical ability due to age, if that is true. Help the child make a plan to practice or study the skills if he/she wants to improve.
2. Don't take over and solve the problem. Failure is not catastrophic. Interpretation is more important. Sympathize and validate the child's feelings, but don't do it yourself just to force success.
3. Counter the child's way of interpreting failure. Learned pessimism is self-fulfilling. Cognitive psychology can change thinking habits. Optimism can be learned. Habits of optimism that are taught have proven to reduce depression in life.
--------------------------
The author says that there are two traits most likely to determine a happy life: intelligence and optimism. He asserts that intelligence cannot be taught, but optimism can be a learned skill. Part of what he discusses is how to help children see a variety of points of view, and to choose their actions after predicting the consequences. Part of this is choosing not to take offense and not assigning negative motives to other people's actions. It is also recognizing that one's actions can help or hinder a friendship. I found it a good reminder that people need help in sorting out their thoughts, and processing experiences.
September 2, 2008
Although I teach young adults and no longer have any children at home, I believe this is a profound and useful book for people like me who ride the "Hero-to-Zero" Rollercoaster. The bulk of the book is on developing an optimistic mindset, but by this, the author does not mean the blithe positive thinking and meaningless platitudes of the self-esteem and unconditional praise movements.
Indeed, this clinical psychologist and former APA president takes the "self-esteem" ideas of (particularly) California's public schools to task because he shows that self-esteem is actually a combination of both "feeling and accomplishment" but the current educational climate is heavy on feeling and light on accomplishment (pp. 33-34). In fact, though he is an unabashed proponent of "optimism," he emphasizes that this must be "accurate optimism." "Optimism that is not accurate is empty and falls apart." (p. 298)
Quickly stated, he builds optimism using an ABCDE model.
A recognizes the reality that everyone faces ADVERSITY.
B teaches one to recognize BELIEFS (rational or irrational) in which we respond to adversity [and how to have that inner dialogue that disputes erroneous beliefs].
C allows one to consider the CONSEQUENCES of responding to adversity with these beliefs.
D teaches one to DISPUTE false beliefs with specific evidence.
E helps one plan active steps to ENERGIZE a solution.
Using this approach allows one to "decatastrophize" situations which might be likely to send us into "depression" if they are not dealt with. (Roughly 2/3 of the book unfolds this process along with providing illustrations from clinical studies!)
I also liked his approach to teaching problem-solving to children.
#1 Slow Down - quit acting impulsively (p. 241)
#2 Find Perspective - imagine another's view (p. 246)
#3 Set Goal(s) - decide what you want and list intermediate, necessary steps to get there (p. 251)
#4 Choose Path - determine the best goal and plan from #3 (p. 256)
#5 Evaluate - determine if your solution is working (p. 260)
Naturally, this is only a summary of his major points, but it should be enough to let you know whether this book is for you or not.
Indeed, this clinical psychologist and former APA president takes the "self-esteem" ideas of (particularly) California's public schools to task because he shows that self-esteem is actually a combination of both "feeling and accomplishment" but the current educational climate is heavy on feeling and light on accomplishment (pp. 33-34). In fact, though he is an unabashed proponent of "optimism," he emphasizes that this must be "accurate optimism." "Optimism that is not accurate is empty and falls apart." (p. 298)
Quickly stated, he builds optimism using an ABCDE model.
A recognizes the reality that everyone faces ADVERSITY.
B teaches one to recognize BELIEFS (rational or irrational) in which we respond to adversity [and how to have that inner dialogue that disputes erroneous beliefs].
C allows one to consider the CONSEQUENCES of responding to adversity with these beliefs.
D teaches one to DISPUTE false beliefs with specific evidence.
E helps one plan active steps to ENERGIZE a solution.
Using this approach allows one to "decatastrophize" situations which might be likely to send us into "depression" if they are not dealt with. (Roughly 2/3 of the book unfolds this process along with providing illustrations from clinical studies!)
I also liked his approach to teaching problem-solving to children.
#1 Slow Down - quit acting impulsively (p. 241)
#2 Find Perspective - imagine another's view (p. 246)
#3 Set Goal(s) - decide what you want and list intermediate, necessary steps to get there (p. 251)
#4 Choose Path - determine the best goal and plan from #3 (p. 256)
#5 Evaluate - determine if your solution is working (p. 260)
Naturally, this is only a summary of his major points, but it should be enough to let you know whether this book is for you or not.
June 29, 2014
Apparently the author, Martin Seligman, is sort of the authority on this subject. I've heard his name come up now and again in reference to the subject. There is an adult version called Learned Optimism. I initially picked this up to help my daughter, a pretty smart kid, who was going through a bit of a pessimistic streak, but I knew I needed it as well. And I benefited from it a lot, but I've tried to pass on some of the principles to her. What I like best about Seligman is the optimism he teaches isn't a fake, inaccurate view of the world and self optimism, but what he calls "accurate optimism", one that weighs both the positive and negative, and seeks to accentuate the positive while still being realistic about world and self.
The book begins by decrying the "self esteem movement" that started in the 60s and very much alive today and jumps into the fact that "feeling good" and "doing well" must be tied to reality. Our kids gain confidence and improved self concept eventually are based on realities about themselves, not just the nice things we say -- tied to their "commerce with the world." It goes into depth about depression and different strategies for adults and children to deal with it using different cognitive strategies that must be practiced. He's always open to the fact that some need medication to cope with severe depression, but believes that for many it can be avoided through practiced cognitive strategies.
I could go on, but overall great book I'd recommend. I'm sure his Learned Optimism is excellent as well.
The book begins by decrying the "self esteem movement" that started in the 60s and very much alive today and jumps into the fact that "feeling good" and "doing well" must be tied to reality. Our kids gain confidence and improved self concept eventually are based on realities about themselves, not just the nice things we say -- tied to their "commerce with the world." It goes into depth about depression and different strategies for adults and children to deal with it using different cognitive strategies that must be practiced. He's always open to the fact that some need medication to cope with severe depression, but believes that for many it can be avoided through practiced cognitive strategies.
I could go on, but overall great book I'd recommend. I'm sure his Learned Optimism is excellent as well.
November 8, 2013
This book may not be so helpful if you have very young children but is definitely worth the read if you have tweens or teens. Seligman clearly marks the differences between seeing the glass half empty and the one half full. This book not only contains a lot of research data but also a ton of valuable concrete examples of what children can go through and how they handle it. Seligman shows what a parent should or shouldn't say in some situations, and provides a lot of tools to help children become more optimistic than pessimistic. His 5-step problem solving process works for adults too, clearly explaining how to identify a bad event as temporary rather than permanent, take a fresh perspective, set new goals and a plan of action for the future. I definitely recommend this book if you're interested in the subject for yourself or your kids.
November 24, 2022
Loved the ideas in this book. Love that you as the parent need to learn and model the behavior that teaches your children. I was surprised to read the author’s ideas on creating optimistic children. I thought it would be all about positive self talk and being loving and accepting. But our kids know when we are lying to them, even with good intentions, they need to be told the truth, even when it is hard. Optimism comes through hard work and achievement, and realistic interpretations of life experience. Unearned Cheerleading and praise that isn’t merit based leads to apathetic and depressed kids.
March 16, 2022
This is an excellent book. Evidenced based self help, and although aimed at training kids, it can also be aimed at adults. I started reading this as a pessimist, but by the end, was a little more optimistic. I should probably have read this 30 years ago....Recommended.
May 10, 2011
I must admit, the message is very convincing to me, and the amount of research summarized is impressive. Seligman is the genius who came up with the concept of Learned Helplessness, and then turned it around and looked at Learned Optimism. I think every parent would do well to read this book and learn from it.
Having said that, the book itself could have used a little bit of editor's crafting. The writing was fine, but the introduction and review of the research lasts way too long. I found myself wanting him to get to the application much sooner. Also, once in the application, he advocated a bunch of exercises that were a bit too structured. I just don't think that the majority of parents are going to implement them. It seemed like he just took the material straight from his group therapy modules and stuck it in the book without considering how parents would actually feel about doing them.
Additionally, there were only two actual skills that he presented to create learned optimism: decatastrophizing and looking for alternative explanations. I'm not convinced that those two skills alone (even with the meager social skills he presented afterward) are enough to create learned optimism. But I could be wrong. He's more of a psychologist than I am.
My conclusions: the message and priciples of the book are very interesting and useful, the exercises may be a bit much, but give it a try, it can't hurt and it may really help your kids.
If nothing else, stop calling your kids names and telling them that they are to blame for everything.
Having said that, the book itself could have used a little bit of editor's crafting. The writing was fine, but the introduction and review of the research lasts way too long. I found myself wanting him to get to the application much sooner. Also, once in the application, he advocated a bunch of exercises that were a bit too structured. I just don't think that the majority of parents are going to implement them. It seemed like he just took the material straight from his group therapy modules and stuck it in the book without considering how parents would actually feel about doing them.
Additionally, there were only two actual skills that he presented to create learned optimism: decatastrophizing and looking for alternative explanations. I'm not convinced that those two skills alone (even with the meager social skills he presented afterward) are enough to create learned optimism. But I could be wrong. He's more of a psychologist than I am.
My conclusions: the message and priciples of the book are very interesting and useful, the exercises may be a bit much, but give it a try, it can't hurt and it may really help your kids.
If nothing else, stop calling your kids names and telling them that they are to blame for everything.
March 8, 2021
This will be a very useful book when I have kids, and would be a useful book for many to read now to inform themselves of what is going on with mental health in this country, and why the catastrophizing and finger-pointing are getting worse.
May 21, 2024
I definitely learned a lot reading this book and my own psyche was challenged in new ways. I especially enjoyed chapter 14, as I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old and these things seemed more pertinent to me right now. The writing in this book however was hard to follow at times and was a much more educated voice than I am used to reading. It was a great read and I feel very prepared to lead myself and my children into optimistic strategies.
November 30, 2008
Like all psychology books that appeal to me, this book cited real research, had a self-help angle, and wasn't dry reading. I very much liked the author's step-by-step ways to challenge pessimism, so much so that I'll probably look into his other book Learned Optimism. But this book was specifically written for parents with exercises and stories that we're supposed to do with our kids. He tested them out on a group of school kids as part of his research, and while I'm sure they were successful in that venue, I didn't have much success trying to do them with my kids. He said they were made to be "fun," but my middle kid certainly didn't think so. Oldest liked it a little better, but I read to him from the book only once. With all the other daily jobs of parenting, I just can't see doing these exercises in any sort of consistent way. I guess I'll have to write my own "optimistic" stories, tailor-made for my kids.
September 29, 2010
This book is fascinating. Yes, I'm reading it for my son, but generally speaking it discusses how feeling that you have some power over your situation, can alter things, can overcome things, mixed with the actual accomplishment of this at least part of the time (which requires learning how to bounce back after rejection/failure) leads to an overall belief in yourself and in a fulfilling life that you can make for yourself if you don't get discouraged. Still, I absolutely believe that inborn tendencies can make it much much harder for some people to have this "glass half full" attitude and that doesn't even get into chemical imbalances and such. Still for a non drug answer to giving your child ways to cope with life, this has been worth my free reading time. Resilience is key because life just sucks sometimes.
February 14, 2023
Here’s the best praise for this book I can think of. The authors premise is that this book can teach you how to inoculate your children from depression. I read it probably 6 years ago and taught my kids a lot of the lessons from the book at that time. Right now I am reading a Brene brown book about shame so I started asking my kids questions about their internal voice and dialogue. The 3 kids who I trained from this book have super healthy thought patterns and great strategies for handling shame and disappointment. They are second nature to them and they had a hard time imagining a person who could not think so flexibly. I know they are using the strategies I taught them from this book. Now I need to go through it with my younger kids.
September 28, 2021
I love the research that went into this program. I’m very into the topic and plan to use the methods. I have to acknowledge that this particular book was written in 1996, so since that time, the author, Martin Seligman, has made a lot of progress in the field he founded, Positive Psychology. For a parent to implement this program, they would need to do some updating to superficial elements to keep it feeling current (names like “Positive Penny” will ring as old-timey to kids today), but the same will be true of any book from the era. For someone interested in this topic, I might refer them to the Penn Resiliency Program, which Seligman developed and which has been implemented many times in the subsequent years, as it has a broader scope and more multifaceted treatment outcomes.
March 8, 2011
I read this as part of professional development for work. It's a bit dry, but interesting. A few nuggets I got out of it is that self-esteem building isn't as good as specific praise. This went hand in hand with another article I read recently that just telling your kids they are really smart can actually cause them to give up on things that they aren't automatically good at, versus praising your kid's effort at a task will encourage them to try things that wouldn't have and try harder. Also, helping your child with their explantory style can help guard them from depression in the future.
Currently reading
August 21, 2017Perhaps it is unfair for me to apply the same criteria to this book as I would to something more scholarly, but Seligman's discussion of the increasing prevalence of depression among children was pretty unsatisfactory. He discounts the likely affect of the decreased stigma for acknowledging depression. He also ignores strong cross cultural research that indicates that societies with a high achievement focus and communal values also have high rates of depression and suicide among pre-teen and teenaged kids.
April 6, 2015
Most of the meat of this book could be reduced to a twenty page pamphlet. The rest of it feels filled with anecdotes about the progress of his research assistants. Seligman seems more concerned about the resumes and achievements of his staff than about actual practical information for parents. Who is the target audience for this book? Clinicians looking for case studies? Grad students? Professional colleagues? Any of these would be a better fit than readers looking for help with children with a glass-half-empty outlook.
March 20, 2012
I couldn't get through it. It didn't seem like it was written to be a practical guide to raising happy kids, which is what I thought it was when I bought it.
August 18, 2020
Dr Martin Seligman is a highly accomplished and highly regarded psychologist, revered for his work into the field of Positive Psychology.
Seligman has a belief that someday, similar to how we have studied diseases and found immunisations for them, that we can work towards finding immunisations against depression using psychology, and that we can start fighting off not just physical illnesses but also mental illnesses from a young age.
This book, The Optimistic Child, details his long-term research experiments with children, written to be very accessible by anyone and even includes activities you can practice by yourself and with your child. While I believe I'm probably far off from having kids of my own (but hopefully not too far!), I found this book incredibly insight into the psychology behind raising a child to be highly resilient and masterful of their arts.
I absolutely read this seeing the reflections of some of my own pessimistic thoughts in the past, so although this book is by title for helping you raise your child, I discovered a great deal even for my adult life from it.
Seligman is able to accurately define optimism, and gives us tools to boil adversities down into 3 essential descriptors: pervasiveness, permanence and personalisation. He shares tactics, backed by thorough long-term research and investigation, of how to identify these things, reflect upon them, dispute them and how to gain energization from them.
He stresses the importance that optimism is not "chanting happy thoughts to yourself", such as "I am a special person". This is meant in the sense of not just instilling "unconditional positive regard" into today's youth. The "feeling-good" viewpoint has severe negative effects in the long run, such as leading to depression. People need to understand the "why" of feeling good. You cannot teach self-esteem directly. You must teach "doing-well", as actually feeling good itself is not a causality of "feeling-good". Seligman reveals this is the key to optimism, and calls it the "explanatory style".
He also teaches us the psychology behind learned helplessness, which I found very fascinating. By teaching children mastery through allowing them to fail and retry (where safe, of course) they are taught the valuable skill of control and resilience - and not the trait of relying on others incessantly to solve their problems for them.
The end of the book also includes some 'rules' (which, as he diligently points out, are less researched than his other points, but are still very valuable insights from him as he is a very well established psychologist!) for raising your child, which can also be applied to toddlers (most of the book is for about 6-8 year olds and up, when children begin to become more and more "metacognitive").
Note to self: do another read-through when someday you're hopefully a dad
Seligman has a belief that someday, similar to how we have studied diseases and found immunisations for them, that we can work towards finding immunisations against depression using psychology, and that we can start fighting off not just physical illnesses but also mental illnesses from a young age.
This book, The Optimistic Child, details his long-term research experiments with children, written to be very accessible by anyone and even includes activities you can practice by yourself and with your child. While I believe I'm probably far off from having kids of my own (but hopefully not too far!), I found this book incredibly insight into the psychology behind raising a child to be highly resilient and masterful of their arts.
I absolutely read this seeing the reflections of some of my own pessimistic thoughts in the past, so although this book is by title for helping you raise your child, I discovered a great deal even for my adult life from it.
Seligman is able to accurately define optimism, and gives us tools to boil adversities down into 3 essential descriptors: pervasiveness, permanence and personalisation. He shares tactics, backed by thorough long-term research and investigation, of how to identify these things, reflect upon them, dispute them and how to gain energization from them.
He stresses the importance that optimism is not "chanting happy thoughts to yourself", such as "I am a special person". This is meant in the sense of not just instilling "unconditional positive regard" into today's youth. The "feeling-good" viewpoint has severe negative effects in the long run, such as leading to depression. People need to understand the "why" of feeling good. You cannot teach self-esteem directly. You must teach "doing-well", as actually feeling good itself is not a causality of "feeling-good". Seligman reveals this is the key to optimism, and calls it the "explanatory style".
He also teaches us the psychology behind learned helplessness, which I found very fascinating. By teaching children mastery through allowing them to fail and retry (where safe, of course) they are taught the valuable skill of control and resilience - and not the trait of relying on others incessantly to solve their problems for them.
The end of the book also includes some 'rules' (which, as he diligently points out, are less researched than his other points, but are still very valuable insights from him as he is a very well established psychologist!) for raising your child, which can also be applied to toddlers (most of the book is for about 6-8 year olds and up, when children begin to become more and more "metacognitive").
Note to self: do another read-through when someday you're hopefully a dad
February 26, 2019
In 1997, our oldest son was 9 with a prickly personality beginning to manifest itself. He always seemed so negative that I was worried about him being on the road to depression and problems with friends. I happened upon this book and I cannot tell you how it totally changed my perception of our son. We were so worried about his ability to take direction, make good choices, think before he would act and as he seemed to just crash through life - instituting consequences would have him just digging in his heels. In fact, there is nothing more frustrating than telling a child, "If you continue, we will restrict/take away/refuse to allow (fill in the blank), only to be met with, "Well, then I'll play with (blank) or I will still have (blank) or I will make (blank). It seemed no matter what we did, he always had a workaround - chin out and arms folded. We worried that by escalating the punishment just to try to get some acknowledgement or feeling of remorse was not only a losing battle but damaging to him and his self esteem. This didn't happen with his brothers and sister so he was feeling singled out. Worried about depression in children, I bought this book and used the Resilience Assessment tool. He scored off the charts for resilience! What a 180 I had to do. I stopped looking at him in terms of needing to be fixed and started appreciating his tenacity and ability to overcome adversity by getting going. This has proved true in his adult life, as well. Nothing gets him down for long. He's still prickly about it but damned if he doesn't always work things through to an alternative that works for him when the original path does not. I have recommended this book ever since to any parent who is worried about their children and how they handle their emotions and life. As others have stated, it is very useful for adults, as well. I learned so much about each of my children and their ability to bounce back.
September 26, 2019
I had a great childhood. I wasn’t completely spoiled but all my physical and emotional needs were met. I can’t recall any tragic moments or horrible moments. By all objective measures, I had it pretty good.
So it surprises me when I notice that my default status is pessimism. In college I dealt with some depression, but I bounced backed from that relatively easily and I definitely built up some good resilience. But no matter what I do or where I am at, I can never seem to shake off this foreboding sense of gloom. Pessimism is my disposition. I don’t like it, but that’s reality for me.
Now, I am a husband and a father to some amazing girls, and I don’t want them to be like me. I want them to be optimistic. I want them to be resilient at a younger age. I want them to have courage. I want them to see the world as a place of opportunity and not a big scary place.
I have read Seligman before and I wanted to learn more practical ways to bestow optimism in my children. This book is full of great inventories and exercises to help children build optimism and resilience.
At the moment, I cannot apply of the material to my children because they are too young. However, I have already begun to incorporate little conversations with my girls every night. These are small steps but they may have a tremendous impact. I think this book is a definite must-read for all parents.
So it surprises me when I notice that my default status is pessimism. In college I dealt with some depression, but I bounced backed from that relatively easily and I definitely built up some good resilience. But no matter what I do or where I am at, I can never seem to shake off this foreboding sense of gloom. Pessimism is my disposition. I don’t like it, but that’s reality for me.
Now, I am a husband and a father to some amazing girls, and I don’t want them to be like me. I want them to be optimistic. I want them to be resilient at a younger age. I want them to have courage. I want them to see the world as a place of opportunity and not a big scary place.
I have read Seligman before and I wanted to learn more practical ways to bestow optimism in my children. This book is full of great inventories and exercises to help children build optimism and resilience.
At the moment, I cannot apply of the material to my children because they are too young. However, I have already begun to incorporate little conversations with my girls every night. These are small steps but they may have a tremendous impact. I think this book is a definite must-read for all parents.
September 28, 2024
I had somewhat high expectations for this one, but unfortunately, they weren’t fully met. The first part of the book was ok, and there were occasionally good tips and methods for preventing depression in children. I can also see that Seligman is passionate and skilled in his field, but the book falls short for me mainly because it contains so many forms and tasks to keep track of. Since it's in English, it also becomes somewhat time-consuming and difficult to adapt to my own children into norwegian, although I’m sure it’s possible.
Another reason the book might not have resonated with me is that I read it as a bedtime book and therefore it took longer to finish it than usually with most books I read. As a result, some of the book’s coherence may have faded from memory, reducing some of the meaningful impact it could have had for me. I also think the book becomes somewhat repetitive, with little new as you progress further into it. The book also has a lot of stories, and sometimes it's difficult to distinguish if Seligman is telling a true story or a fictional one.
Of course, the book might work for someone who wants to put its content into practice, but for me, it felt like a bit too much. Nonetheless, the topic is important: working to ensure that children face an optimistic future, rather than a pessimistic and depressive one. It gets two strong stars!
Another reason the book might not have resonated with me is that I read it as a bedtime book and therefore it took longer to finish it than usually with most books I read. As a result, some of the book’s coherence may have faded from memory, reducing some of the meaningful impact it could have had for me. I also think the book becomes somewhat repetitive, with little new as you progress further into it. The book also has a lot of stories, and sometimes it's difficult to distinguish if Seligman is telling a true story or a fictional one.
Of course, the book might work for someone who wants to put its content into practice, but for me, it felt like a bit too much. Nonetheless, the topic is important: working to ensure that children face an optimistic future, rather than a pessimistic and depressive one. It gets two strong stars!
December 11, 2020
ANOTHER AWESOME BOOK BY MARTIN SELIGMAN. Man. This book discusses different ways on how children view the world positively or negatively. He states that there are early indicators if a child is going to be depressed. He uses different questionnaires and has done different studies with a population that shows people how to improve children's optimism. Some of these interventions include realizing how a child interprets certain events in their lives, how to criticize your child, how to teach your child to be like sherlock holmes (arguing with themselves by learning how to accurately dispute their negative thoughts). This book teaches the ABCDE model as well, but for children! It gives the parents strategies on how to introduce disputing these negative thoughts to your child because if your child sees you accurately dispute your negative thoughts, they will do so also. This book gives different games you can play with your child to help them fight back against pessimistic thoughts (the brain game) and how to recognize the difference between "hot thoughts" and "cold thoughts" which thoughts would make us angry versus thoughts that help us "cool down." This game is called "The Hot Seat." I would recommend this book to parents or anyone that works or is around children!
March 4, 2023
The Optimistic Child lays out Martin Seligman's programme to "innoculate" children against depression, by using cognitive and behavioral techniques to develop in them a sense of optimism and personal mastery. Seligman criticises the approach of the self-esteem movement as wrong-headed and flawed; self-esteem is a combination of doing well AND feeling good. But the contemporary focus on telling children that they are unique, special and awesome in all they do (even if the results suggest the opposite) merely focusses on feeling good (the end), ignoring the part about doing well (the means). He argues that the increasing rates of depression in the US stem from its shift from being "an achieving society to a feel-good society…the feel-good society, as it overtook the doing well society, created new opportunities and new freedoms along with new perils (i.e. the greater risk for depression that these new opportunities bring)."
Seligman dismisses traditional definitions of optimism centred around positive thinking as manifestations of optimism; instead, the basis of optimism lies in the way one thinks about causes, in one's "explanatory style". There are three facets to one's explanatory style:
- permanence (permanent causes vs temporary causes): does a child think of their failures, rejections in terms of "always" and "never", or "sometimes" and "lately"? Conversely, does a child believe that good events have permanent causes rather than temporary ones?
- Pervasiveness (specific vs global): does a child see the cause as specific (e.g. this particular teacher was hard on them, they performed worse on a particular task compared to others) or global (all teachers are unfair, they are losers and suck at everything)
- Personal (internal vs external): does a child blame themself primarily or can they blame other people or circumstances. This is not to say we should teach children to be external about bad events. Rather, children need to be discerning and not blame themselves whenever things go wrong whether it is their fault or not. They need to learn "how to see themselves accurately, so that when problems are their fault, they take responsibility and try to correct their behaviour, whereas when the problem is not their fault, they still feel worthwhile"
Parents shape their kids' explanatory style in the way they criticize their kids, and also in the way they themselves respond to challenges and failures. Do you criticize accurately, or take on more self-blame than warranted? Do you criticize with an optimistic or pessimistic explanatory style? Seligman suggests that "a single, crucial event…can markedly alter pessimism or optimism by changing the child's theory of who he is and what he is worth." He describes it as the "Hoving effect", after Thomas Hoving, the former curator of MoMA, based on this brilliant anecdote of Hoving: Hoving was 19 at Princeton University, "flunking out, anxious, low of self-esteem, and unsure of judgement." But before dropping out, he decided to take an upperclass sculpture seminar. On the first day, the professor placed on the podium a gleaming metal object with streamlined fingers and asked the 8 students to comment on the aesthetic merits of the piece. An Ivy Club senior said "mellifluous fluidity", a junior described it as "harmony of the spheres" and so on until Hoving, who said it was "too well tooled, too mechanical, too cold, and too streamlined, It's too functional. This isn't art." It turns out it was an obstetrical speculum and Hoving said "after that, there was no stopping me!"
Part Four gets into the meat of the book - How To Raise Children to Optimism and Mastery - where Seligman describes the approaches he and his team took in the 1990 launch of the Penn Prevention Programme:
- The ABC model: ABC stands for Adversity, Beliefs and Consequences and Seligman includes some exercises to build awareness of how our beliefs have profound influence on the consequences/outcomes of a problem. If we can learn to "catch" our beliefs aand internal dialogue and reframe them, we can change how we respond to the situation.
- Teaching kids to understand the different facets that shape one's explanatory style and to differentiate between permanent/temporary, specific/global, internal/external and consider the accuracy of their beliefs in this context
- Teaching kids to gather evidence to effectively dispute their (flawed) beliefs, generate alternatives to view the adversity, "decatastrophise" or accurately evaluate the implications of the adversity, and finally to develop a plan of attack to tackle the adversity (e.g. correct the mistake, improve the situation, control the damage). This takes practice so kids can learn to respond rapidly and effectively to the negative talk in their head. (Adversity - Beliefs - Consequence - Disputation - Energization)
- Boosting kids' social skills: kids with good social and problem solving skills make new friends, are comfortable in new situations, maintain friends, cooperate and are therefore set up better to succeed. This entails being assertive and being able to articulate what they want clearly, being able to negotiate and compromise (figure out what you want, so long as it is reasonable and also listen to what the other person wants, then work out a compromise)
- Boosting kids' problem solving skills: Slowing Down; Perspective Taking; Goal Settting (what outcome do you want); Choosing a Path
The Optimistic Child pulls together resources for parents - the Children's Attributional Style Questionnaire (CASQ) to assess a child's optimism, the Depression Child (CES-DC) test to get a sensing if one's child might be depressed, questionnaires to assess a child's problem solving and social skills - to assess their children's proclivity for depression and offers exercises to help build up emotional resilience and "innoculate" them against depression. Overall, it's a useful book and my only complaint is that the examples are understandably very American and would need to be rejigged for other cultural contexts.
Seligman dismisses traditional definitions of optimism centred around positive thinking as manifestations of optimism; instead, the basis of optimism lies in the way one thinks about causes, in one's "explanatory style". There are three facets to one's explanatory style:
- permanence (permanent causes vs temporary causes): does a child think of their failures, rejections in terms of "always" and "never", or "sometimes" and "lately"? Conversely, does a child believe that good events have permanent causes rather than temporary ones?
- Pervasiveness (specific vs global): does a child see the cause as specific (e.g. this particular teacher was hard on them, they performed worse on a particular task compared to others) or global (all teachers are unfair, they are losers and suck at everything)
- Personal (internal vs external): does a child blame themself primarily or can they blame other people or circumstances. This is not to say we should teach children to be external about bad events. Rather, children need to be discerning and not blame themselves whenever things go wrong whether it is their fault or not. They need to learn "how to see themselves accurately, so that when problems are their fault, they take responsibility and try to correct their behaviour, whereas when the problem is not their fault, they still feel worthwhile"
Parents shape their kids' explanatory style in the way they criticize their kids, and also in the way they themselves respond to challenges and failures. Do you criticize accurately, or take on more self-blame than warranted? Do you criticize with an optimistic or pessimistic explanatory style? Seligman suggests that "a single, crucial event…can markedly alter pessimism or optimism by changing the child's theory of who he is and what he is worth." He describes it as the "Hoving effect", after Thomas Hoving, the former curator of MoMA, based on this brilliant anecdote of Hoving: Hoving was 19 at Princeton University, "flunking out, anxious, low of self-esteem, and unsure of judgement." But before dropping out, he decided to take an upperclass sculpture seminar. On the first day, the professor placed on the podium a gleaming metal object with streamlined fingers and asked the 8 students to comment on the aesthetic merits of the piece. An Ivy Club senior said "mellifluous fluidity", a junior described it as "harmony of the spheres" and so on until Hoving, who said it was "too well tooled, too mechanical, too cold, and too streamlined, It's too functional. This isn't art." It turns out it was an obstetrical speculum and Hoving said "after that, there was no stopping me!"
Part Four gets into the meat of the book - How To Raise Children to Optimism and Mastery - where Seligman describes the approaches he and his team took in the 1990 launch of the Penn Prevention Programme:
- The ABC model: ABC stands for Adversity, Beliefs and Consequences and Seligman includes some exercises to build awareness of how our beliefs have profound influence on the consequences/outcomes of a problem. If we can learn to "catch" our beliefs aand internal dialogue and reframe them, we can change how we respond to the situation.
- Teaching kids to understand the different facets that shape one's explanatory style and to differentiate between permanent/temporary, specific/global, internal/external and consider the accuracy of their beliefs in this context
- Teaching kids to gather evidence to effectively dispute their (flawed) beliefs, generate alternatives to view the adversity, "decatastrophise" or accurately evaluate the implications of the adversity, and finally to develop a plan of attack to tackle the adversity (e.g. correct the mistake, improve the situation, control the damage). This takes practice so kids can learn to respond rapidly and effectively to the negative talk in their head. (Adversity - Beliefs - Consequence - Disputation - Energization)
- Boosting kids' social skills: kids with good social and problem solving skills make new friends, are comfortable in new situations, maintain friends, cooperate and are therefore set up better to succeed. This entails being assertive and being able to articulate what they want clearly, being able to negotiate and compromise (figure out what you want, so long as it is reasonable and also listen to what the other person wants, then work out a compromise)
- Boosting kids' problem solving skills: Slowing Down; Perspective Taking; Goal Settting (what outcome do you want); Choosing a Path
The Optimistic Child pulls together resources for parents - the Children's Attributional Style Questionnaire (CASQ) to assess a child's optimism, the Depression Child (CES-DC) test to get a sensing if one's child might be depressed, questionnaires to assess a child's problem solving and social skills - to assess their children's proclivity for depression and offers exercises to help build up emotional resilience and "innoculate" them against depression. Overall, it's a useful book and my only complaint is that the examples are understandably very American and would need to be rejigged for other cultural contexts.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 18, 2021
Happy I read this so I can begin implementing strategies to help my daughter become and remain optimistic throughout her life. This is helpful for her and a good practice for me (as well). I shared this book with several parents I know. “Optimism isn’t about cheerful slogans or wishful thinking. Instead, useful optimism means taking accurate responsibility for your actions and persevering through setbacks. You can help your children become more optimistic by teaching them to see their challenges as temporary and specific rather than permanent and all-consuming.
Actionable advice:
Help your child master the world.
The feeling of mastering a skill or task is an important part of optimism and self-esteem. You can start fostering this feeling in young children with something as simple as shopping. The next time you go to a store, let your child choose and pay for three items himself, and put the items into his own little bag. Small activities like this will give your child the sense that he has the ability to influence his world and make things happen.”
Actionable advice:
Help your child master the world.
The feeling of mastering a skill or task is an important part of optimism and self-esteem. You can start fostering this feeling in young children with something as simple as shopping. The next time you go to a store, let your child choose and pay for three items himself, and put the items into his own little bag. Small activities like this will give your child the sense that he has the ability to influence his world and make things happen.”
January 12, 2022
This book took such a long time to read because it was actually useful and applied throughout the year. This book was recommended by my daughter’s therapist as a means to transform thought processes and self talk in order to create an empowered and optimistic child who sees the world not from a fake and sugar-coated perspective, but from a grounded place of realistic operation and self understanding. It provided assistance with a child who exaggerates victimhood (this always happens to me) and emotions (I’m so mad) and self-hate and hyperbole (I’m the stupidest idiot). Each chapter involved parental reading and examples, followed by a section for practice with your child. I’ve read A LOT of parenting books because this gig doesn’t come naturally to me. And this is the first one that hasn’t been read in a week and the bearer of two or three sort of workable take away message. This book helped change her mindset and guide her though some tough times of conflict. Highly recommended and has clearly stood the test of time.
February 21, 2024
Martin Seligman is the master of positive psychology. This book is his solution -- "a immunization" against depression. His idea is to try to build into schooling and parenting exercises that will encourage children to develop better ways of thinking about adversity.
As a book, it is not terribly readable -- that is to say, the second half is filled with lots of exercises to use with children and get them to explore different ways of thinking. The ABCs of cognitive behavioral therapy are helpful to understanding why adverse situations completely derail some children while others seem to be able to continue on.
As a handbook, I would probably give this book five stars. As a book, I would only give it three stars. That said, if you have children who struggle with pessimism, or who are completely flummoxed by the challenges they find in everyday life, this book sets forward a plan by which you can give them the tools to break out of the negative thought patterns they find themself in.
As a book, it is not terribly readable -- that is to say, the second half is filled with lots of exercises to use with children and get them to explore different ways of thinking. The ABCs of cognitive behavioral therapy are helpful to understanding why adverse situations completely derail some children while others seem to be able to continue on.
As a handbook, I would probably give this book five stars. As a book, I would only give it three stars. That said, if you have children who struggle with pessimism, or who are completely flummoxed by the challenges they find in everyday life, this book sets forward a plan by which you can give them the tools to break out of the negative thought patterns they find themself in.
October 12, 2017
Good book, not just for researchers but even more oriented to parents, based on decades of applied research.
"Love, affection, warmth, and ebullience should all be delivered unconditionally. The more of these, the more positive the atmosphere, and the more secure your child will be. The more secure he is, the more he will explore and find mastery. But praise is an altogether different matter. Praise your child contingent on a success, not just to make him feel better. Wait until he fits the little peg man into the car before applauding. Also, grade your praise to fit the accomplishment. Do not overpraise and treat the peg man achievement as if it were an amazing accomplishment. Save your expressions of highest praise for more major accomplishments, like saying his sister's name for the first time and catching the wobbling football. To praise your child regardless of how well he does, to fail to grade your praise, is to render your child helpless."
"Love, affection, warmth, and ebullience should all be delivered unconditionally. The more of these, the more positive the atmosphere, and the more secure your child will be. The more secure he is, the more he will explore and find mastery. But praise is an altogether different matter. Praise your child contingent on a success, not just to make him feel better. Wait until he fits the little peg man into the car before applauding. Also, grade your praise to fit the accomplishment. Do not overpraise and treat the peg man achievement as if it were an amazing accomplishment. Save your expressions of highest praise for more major accomplishments, like saying his sister's name for the first time and catching the wobbling football. To praise your child regardless of how well he does, to fail to grade your praise, is to render your child helpless."
May 24, 2019
كتاب جميل جداً رغم أنه لم يطرح فكرة جوهرية جديدة بالنسبة لي ولكنه قام بترتيب أفكاري وربطها ب(خيطٍ ناظم) كما يقال بخصوص أفكار كثيرة تتعلق بعلم النفس والتفكير.
بل إنني لن أبالغ إن قلت أن كثيرًا مما ذكر في هذا الكتاب (وهو مبني على كتاب learned optimism للكاتب) وطرحه كنت قد توصلت اليه مع نفسي بناءً على ملاحظاتي ومطالعاتي الشخصية وقد اتفق الكاتب معها (مع فارق أن ما ذكره الكاتب قد تم بحثه وتكراره بشكل منهجي وإن كنت أريد أن أطلع على أحدث ما وصل إليه هذا البرنامج وهذا المجال).
جدير بالذكر أن فكرة الكتاب مرتبطة بشكل وثيق بفكرة عقلية النمو للكاتبة كارول دويك بل إن الكاتب استشهد ببعض دراساتها في أحد مواضع الكتاب
كتاب يجعلك تتساءل لماذا لا نتعلم هذه الأمور في نظامنا التعليمي (في آخر الكتاب تعريف ببعض المدارس التي قررت بدء تدريس هذه المهارات بالفعل في العقد الماضي) ويشعرك بحجم المسؤولية التي تقع على عاتق أي ولي أمر ومربي في هذا العالم.
هذه مجرد مراجعة سريعة وأغلب الظن أنني سأعود وألخص هذا الكتاب وفكرته لأهميتها الشديدة في نظري كشخص مهتم بالأطفال والتربية.
بل إنني لن أبالغ إن قلت أن كثيرًا مما ذكر في هذا الكتاب (وهو مبني على كتاب learned optimism للكاتب) وطرحه كنت قد توصلت اليه مع نفسي بناءً على ملاحظاتي ومطالعاتي الشخصية وقد اتفق الكاتب معها (مع فارق أن ما ذكره الكاتب قد تم بحثه وتكراره بشكل منهجي وإن كنت أريد أن أطلع على أحدث ما وصل إليه هذا البرنامج وهذا المجال).
جدير بالذكر أن فكرة الكتاب مرتبطة بشكل وثيق بفكرة عقلية النمو للكاتبة كارول دويك بل إن الكاتب استشهد ببعض دراساتها في أحد مواضع الكتاب
كتاب يجعلك تتساءل لماذا لا نتعلم هذه الأمور في نظامنا التعليمي (في آخر الكتاب تعريف ببعض المدارس التي قررت بدء تدريس هذه المهارات بالفعل في العقد الماضي) ويشعرك بحجم المسؤولية التي تقع على عاتق أي ولي أمر ومربي في هذا العالم.
هذه مجرد مراجعة سريعة وأغلب الظن أنني سأعود وألخص هذا الكتاب وفكرته لأهميتها الشديدة في نظري كشخص مهتم بالأطفال والتربية.
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