Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting

by L.R. Knost

In this examination of mainstream Christian parenting practices and the doctrinal beliefs behind them, best-selling author, L.R.Knost, debunks common cultural and theological beliefs about spanking, original sin, sin nature, submission, authority, obedience, breaking a child’s will, and more, along with providing grace-filled, gentle solutions to behavior issues.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Christian, Religion, Christian Living

236 pages, Paperback

First published April 28, 2014

About the author

Award-winning author, feminist, and social justice activist, L.R.Knost, is the founder and director of the children's rights advocacy and family consulting group, Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources ( http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/ ), and Editor-in-Chief of Holistic Parenting Magazine. Her work has been quoted from Hollywood to D.C. to South Africa, most notably in an address on children's rights to the South African Parliament by the Minister of Justice. She lives in Central Florida with her husband and the youngest four of her six children.

Books:

'Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages' published February 2013

'Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood' published June 2013

'The Gentle Parent: Positive, Practical, Effective Discipline' published October 2013

'Jesus, the Gentle Parent: Gentle Christian Parenting' published May 2014

'Petey's Listening Ears' children's picture book for ages 2-6 published May 2011

Reviews

[Ricki · Rating 1 out of 5]

Quit reading at 52 pages. I can't take a book seriously that does not take my God seriously. I want to give it two stars because I think the parenting principles are good, but the theology is SO BAD that I just can't even.

This book is a fluffy, emotion-based defense of "gentle parenting" (attachment parenting, no discipline, etc) as a reaction to Christian training/discipline books. I am in Knost's camp and I do appreciate much of her material--I agree with her principles and even appreciate her sentimental poetic bits. (Although sometimes she does lay it on too thick when it comes to the perfect wonderful amazing joy of parenting--not everything is sunshine and roses.)

But this book is trying to be an argumentative book and it completely fails, because L.R. Knost picks and chooses the Scriptures she likes and sweeps under the rug anything she doesn't (which is a lot).

This is unfortunate because I do agree with her end points, but the way she's getting there is messed up.

For instance, she spends a chapter on the doctrine of the sinful nature of humankind--that people are born with selfish desires and want to rebel against God and find their own way in the world. This theological doctrine is pretty common and is backed up by plenty of Scripture (e.g. Ps 51:5, Ps 58:3, Eph 2:3).

So Knost quotes some Christian disciplinarian books about how your kid is sinful and you need to spank the sin out. In my opinion, she doesn't even have to make these authors look bad--the quotations speak for themselves. Her job is already half done! But then she overshoots and says there is no such thing as a sinful nature, using only the argument that she thinks it isn't logical: that children are God's work and God's "work is perfect... made in God's image... no in-built flaw from the hands of God... simply doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up in light of God's perfection, his love, his wisdom." As you can see, Knost uses her own human reasoning, and doesn't try to back up her opinions with any Biblical basis. She simply disregards the many Bible verses about the sinful nature used by the crazy authors she disagrees with. We've just gone from one end of the spectrum to the other.

(As a side note, here's what I believe: there is such a thing as a sinful nature, and it can't be spanked out. But by our modelling God's love and forgiveness for our children even when they do wrong, we teach them that they can overcome that sinful nature with the help of the Holy Spirit within them.)

Knost further uses dangerously bad metaphors such as Jesus as parent to his disciples (I disagree that Jesus' teaching relationship with adults is somehow attachment parenting and "skin-to-skin" "kangaroo care"); that Jesus overturning tables at the Temple is by definition a temper tantrum (to prove that temper tantrums are fine, even Jesus had one); the Old Testament as "Punishment-based Parenting" and the New Testament as "Connection-based Parenting." In this last section she says God uses the Law as "a big yellow highlighter" to show humans the message "YOU HAVE FALLEN AND YOU CAN'T GET UP." She compares the law to spanking and harsh punishment, but remember that "the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good" (Ro 7:12) and God gave the law so that he COULD come down and be with the people! God is a holy and righteous God, yet she calls him a "purportedly tyrannical parent" until Jesus appears on scene and is a "gentle parent." I agree that punishment-based parenting is wrong, but I disagree that God was wrong in His entire relationship with His people until Jesus. What a massive judgment to make!

Knost must feel comforted by thinking that since God has changed, she can throw out anything God commanded or did before Jesus, because her view of God is simply too gentle and narrow-minded to accept the whole totality of God. And I too do not fully understand all of God's sovereign actions, but I would rather admit that I struggle with accepting all of who God is, than ignore all of who God is and instead worship my own image of God.

Recommended for: people who already like "gentle parenting" principles and just want to be reinforced in this belief, and don't mind poor Biblical teaching.

[Kenn Orphan · Rating 5 out of 5]

All the nasty, freaky, evangelical, fundamentalist reviews for this book made me curious. I read it. It is a good book. And I admire the author. And the backlash she has received from religious nutcases only reaffirms how happy I was to abandon that idiotic religious authoritarianism and jettison its self-righteous, anti-scientific nonsense once and for all.

[Danniel Acosta · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had a mixed feeling about it when I was finished reading.

Let me start with the good. She definitely explained how parenting should be Grace -based instead of law-based. Knost explained how parents should remember that their children have their own wills, emotions and minds, and need to humble themselves to understand how their children are thinking and feeling.

She did quote other Christian parenting books that shocked me in what they said. I thank her for exposing their erroneous teachings.

The main problem I have with her is how unclear she was in explaining how parents should explain the difference between right and wrong. She explained sin as “mistakes”. When should kids know that their behavior is sin? It is as if she is more permissive in her parenting philosophy.

She also had a bad habit of quoting sections of her other books and those quotes were often very long. It got to be quite monotonous for me.

[Zoë Johnston · Rating 5 out of 5]

I decided to give this a read even though not having any children yet, purely just out of interest. I grew up in an atheist home though in the last couple years have really become more open to Christianity. Honestly, I found this book to have such a beautiful outlook. So much of it just felt comforting to me and I really aligned with its theology. The way I was raised, even though by 2 parents who meant the best, often left me feeling unheard and emotionally dismissed. The love shown in this book was healing in a way that I didn’t expect.

[Loren Mueller · Rating 3 out of 5]

So hard for me to rate. It gave me so much to think about and I actually agree with a lot of the author's points. My issue is with her interpretation of scripture. She relies on eisegesis instead of exegesis. So while I can take away a lot of good principles, it's hard for me to rate it highly. I mean it's 10x better than the other books she references. (I'm looking at you Shepherding a Child's Heart 🤮)

[Nicole · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has been really hard to read for me because of all of the excerpts from other "Christian" parenting books and anecdotes about how people are using mistranslated old testament scripture as an excuse to physically punish their children for simply acting like children. This book, of course, stands up against this, but I am already of the "gentle parenting" mindset (which to me is just parenting...why would I ever hit or withdraw my unconditional love from my precious child to "train" them? that's asinine.) I can see myself using this book as a resource if someone should suggest I parent differently than I do, especially if and when they quote mistranslated scripture or something that isn't even scripture at all like "spare the rod, spoil the child," which is not in the Bible. As far as this being a revealing source of info, all it revealed to me is how there are people out there taking advantage of insecure parents and teaching them to deny their instincts and emotionally and physically abuse their children as a method of "training." I feel physically ill after reading this book and am taking comfort in the fact that most young parents that I know do not subscribe to withdrawing grace and love from their children to train for "instant obedience," which is a crock of you know what. I am thankful that this book is out there as a resource for parents who want to follow their hearts and instincts and parent with grace and compassion.

[Kate Shivers · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read a lot of parenting books, but this surpasses them all. I highly recommend this book. I look forward to reading more from this author.

[Jillian Armstrong · Rating 3 out of 5]

Overall, I agree with most of the principles in this book and I love the idea of gentle parenting (and try to practice it), however some of the ways she supported her theories utilized what I considered to be flimsy theology. The writing is a bit poor as well. So again, while I mostly agree with what the author is promoting, I think there are other books that do a better job.

[Rebecca · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very important book.

It was also difficult to read. The first portion was mostly what not to do and why if you want to be a good Christian parent. It specifically focused on debunking other "Christian" parenting advice that advocates punitive, harshly authoritarian, and abusive practices. Reading the excerpts from those other books was so distressing! It's horrifying to think that people actually follow these abusive practices at all, let alone in the name of Christianity. I cried, I held my baby closer, I lost sleep.

The second portion was what to do. In this portion of the book, rather than quoting other parenting books that she disagrees with, L.R. Knost quotes heavily from her other, secular books on gentle parenting, with added scriptural commentary.

I wish I could get every Christian parent to read this book, especially if they've been exposed to those other terrible "Christian" parenting books. It is a good book and an important book.

I'm not sure how much I personally got out of this book, though. I was 100% on board with gentle parenting before I read this, and I'm still 100% on board, so the first part about how gentle parenting is a valid Biblical approach wasn't something I needed. I was already planning to read all her other books as well, so the second part that quoted so much from her other books didn't feel needed to me either. Ah well, it won't hurt to read those parts again when I read the other books, anyway.

I feel kind of weird with this review, because on the one hand, I would definitely recommend this book to everyone, but on the other hand, I'm not sure that I found it worthwhile personally.

I did make a lot of highlights and really enjoyed the gentle parenting perspective on all the Bible verses she quoted.

[Paul Pacurar · Rating 3 out of 5]

L.R. Knost is definitely a very good parent, psychologist and a sincere believer. I admired her attitude and I have to admit that so many issues have the roots in our attitude as parents. The book challenges to be honest and not to demand from the little ones what we ourselves lack. I can say I liked the book, and I would also highly recommend it. Still, I have some points I did not agree with the author, especially when it comes to theological issues. When she dives in too much, sometimes I think she is wrong, very wrong. For example, [she says that:] God doesn't hate sin, but hates it only because he loves the believer; when sin entered in the world it didn't affect human nature in itself, but it brought the capability to sin (and I wondered how could sin enter this world if this capability was not already there?) - so, and this is a main point I don't agree with her, she doesn't see human nature to be fallen, so the kids are perfectly innocent no matter what they do.

[Sarah Long · Rating 2 out of 5]

I gave this book 2 stars bc L.R. walks on thin ice with her theology. For example, "those who have hurt you may not deserve forgiveness, but you deserve the peace forgiving will bring". None of use deserve forgiveness, yet we forgive bc Jesus forgave. Also, she claims children are born perfect, in the image of God, and choose sin later in life. So much scripture backs up all man being born "dead in sin". She has some interesting insights into spanking and scripture interpretation, but I can't get past her agenda filled theology. We are a minority in the church with our "gentle parenting", but I could never recommend this, unfortunately. Read it if you please, but it is no way life changing over here.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was life changing. It put into eloquent words what my soul had been crying for years. It is my new go-to baby shower present. I highly recommend it to anyone with children, young or old.

[Caitlin Forcier · Rating 4 out of 5]

Content- 5 stars. So helpful, practical, and reassuring. This book took me a while to work through this book because some parts were triggering and some parts just shattered my perspective. I very much appreciated the Biblically based information- LOVED the breakdown of traditionally held verses that are used to justify spanking and other forms of physical discipline, when that’s not what those verses meant. I enjoyed that it was broken down into ages and stages as well- I was really focusing on the age I needed now, but I will be able to revisit future stages as appropriate in the future.

Writing style/editing- 2 stars. Very circular writing at times. A lot of repetition and a lot of lifting chunks out of her other books (which I found annoying) when it fit in with another point. Her writing style is not my favorite, but the content was so good, I continued reading. I don’t think that this would convince someone who wasn’t already on the fence or already bought into gentle discipline and parenting, because the writing and persuasive languaging could use some work.

Split the difference down the middle for my rating of 4 stars.

[Cat · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’re a parent (or soon-to-be parent) who loves Jesus, read this. If you’re a parent who wants to guide your children in a Biblical manner, read this. If you’re a parent who has a feeling in your heart that hitting your child is wrong and not Christ-like, this will be such a relief! Christians have been mistaught on discipline for generations and this book is a breath of fresh air. We need to see ourselves how God sees us (His beloved children and Jesus’ fellow heirs!) as shown the New Testament before we can break free of the sad misconceptions we’ve all had pushed on us by the church. Do not view your children as “mini adults with a dirty old sin nature”. View them as developing children who need strong, but loving, gentle guidance from us. I asked a pro-spanking pastor to please check the verse translations in this book, he and his wife were so moved by what they found and how mistaught they have been that they are no longer in favor of physical punishments for children. We need to start a movement. God does not command us to hit our children. A shepherd uses their staff for leading and protecting- not for beating!

[Abigail · Rating 3 out of 5]

Deciding on a rating for this book was extremely difficult. Knost had some great things to say, but there was a lot for which I did not care.

I'll start with the good. The main point of her book was that parenting is about connection, not manipulation, and we can't punish the sin out of our children. Jesus' death on the cross is the only remedy for that. Kids listen more to our actions than to our words, so the best way to teach them to do right is to do right ourselves. I also really appreciated that at the end of the book she said don't follow any person, including her - study the Bible for yourself, and whether you fully or partially agree with her or don't agree with her at all, she hoped the book gave you food for thought.

Now onto the negatives. First, much (I'm going to guess close to 50%) of her book was simply quoting her other books. I found that to be quite unprofessional. Secondly, she implied that the only "right" way to parent is to nurse, cosleep, and babywear, and if you don't do those things, you're not a good parent. I have done all of those things, but I don't believe that's the only way to be a good parent.

My other two issues are theological. She doesn't seem to think young children (those who haven't reached the age of accountability?) are sinning when they misbehave - they are just exhibiting normal childhood behaviors. (Which I agree, normal childhood behaviors due to a sin nature. :P)

The other issue is a little more nuanced - she emphasized showing grace to our children because of the grace God has shown to us (assumably she's speaking to believers). I don't disagree that giving our children grace can be a powerful tool for teaching them about God's grace. However, if we only ever show grace to our (unsaved) children, and they never receive any consequences, how are they going to understand their need for God's grace? She did briefly mention natural consequences a couple times, but didn't flesh that out as much as I would have liked.

[Kari Shepherd · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did not agree with all the theology of this book, which is a shame, because I am fully on board with the idea that the Bible supports gentle parenting. Some people who are more conflicted about the Biblical basis for gentle parenting might read this and get hung up on the couple of theological problems and throw out the entire book. That would be a shame because I thought there was a lot of wisdom and truth in this book and highlighted a lot of passages to write down and remember.

[Jessica L · Rating 5 out of 5]

Buying this for all my friends

This turns the abusive “child training” books on their heads. Children deserve love, understanding, and compassion. Jesus had compassion for us and taught us compassion for children. Turns out hitting children is mainstream in American Christian circles because of a complete misinterpretation of scriptural principles. The Bible never says to hurt or punish children. We need to teach them, direct them, show them the way, and model God’s parenting of us as we parent them.

[Colleen Mertens · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a practical parenting book filled with Scripture to guide you through all the stages of a child's development. It was written in a kind hearted, compassionate voice. It came across as an I've been there, Let me help guide. Good book for new parents.

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is basically a collection of quotes from her other books written within the context of the Bible. I loved that she goes back to the original Greek and Hebrew to clarify what the Bible actually says in regards to discipline.

[Charlotte · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was surprised what a big chunk of this book was made up of quoting other books. I did think it was a lovely starting point for people wanting to learn about gentle Christian parenting, especially those of us raised in a very different way. Short and easy read.

[Jamie · Rating 1 out of 5]

Uses hand-picked verses from the Bible to support a self-serving philosophy on parenting. Makes sweeping generalities and judgments without grace for alternative viewpoints.

[Sara R. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing, eye opening. Every christian parent should read this.

[Clara⚘️ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very provoking read

[Mercy · Rating 5 out of 5]

100% made me a better parent and helped me to understand the goodness of God.

[Kirsten McPherson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book puts into words so beautifully the way I aspire to be a parent. Couldn’t recommend more highly.

[Launa Hulse · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book!

Loved reading this parenting book from a Christian perspective...and one that actually put the heart of Christ behind the parenting decisions not the struggling Old Testament Israelites. There is a Great Controversy and it is a battle of what the character of God is really like. This matters because it translates into how we treat our children and this book captures it all wonderfully. I only really disagree when she says children are born absolutely perfect. Even if they are born with a sinful nature...her argument still works that they should be treated with grace as Christ treats all of us fallen ones with grace.

[Rhonda · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent read. I completed it in one day - but expect I'll be jumping in and out of it many times
So many lightbulb moments, plus a few moments of reflection on my own upbringing and learning how I wish to move forward now as a parent myself.
Easy to read and thought provoking.
I highly recommended.

[Stephanie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book for those looking for biblical based reasoning for being a gentle parent, including an argument against spanking which is phenomenal and backed by scripture!