Inappropriate Toasts for All Occasions

by Michael Allen Rose

Well before reading became a thing (even before softcore teenage vampire pornography!) people would gather in their public squares and vomitoriums to listen to the great orators spout important rhetoric. In an age where people couldn’t read, and most authors didn’t include pictures (the cost of crayons was prohibitive), poets, politicians and philosophers alike attracted huge audiences of listening rabble. Today, your occupation doesn’t even have to start with the letter “p,” and you too can draw crowds with your golden tongue and swanky opinions.

Of course, I understand that not everyone has the immense power of speechification that your humble author does at hand, so I have designed this handy-dandy guide for you, the nervous nellie with the bladder problem. The next time you’re called to speak in public, do not despair! I am here to help you navigate the waters of extemporaneous speech! Simply commit these passages to memory, and you too will be ready to regale the common throngs with your sharp wit and velvet tongue!

This book is both a complete instruction manual on how to be an amazing public speaker and also contains a variety of ready to go speeches for any weddings, funerals, alien invasions and other apocalypses; there is no other guide more ready to arm you with the magical skills of excellent speechification!"Michael Allen Rose, much like Joe R Lansdale, is a genre unto himself, and always an enjoyable read." -- Brian Keene"The best and most ridiculous guide to public speaking since my untimely death!" -- The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln, apparition and former president

180 pages, Kindle Edition

Published November 15, 2024

About the author

Michael Allen Rose is an award-winning writer, musician, editor and performance artist based in Chicago, Illinois. His stories have appeared in The Magazine of Bizarro Fiction, Heavy Feather Review, and Tales From The Crust among other periodicals. He has published several books including Jurassichrist (Perpetual Motion Machine Publishing) which won the 2021 Wonderland Award for best bizarro novel, and The Last 5 Minutes of the Human Race, winner of best collection in bizarro fiction 2022. He is the host of the annual Ultimate Bizarro Showdown at Bizarro Con in Oregon. Michael also releases industrial music under the name Flood Damage. He lives with an awesome cat named Dr. Light, and enjoys good tea. You can find more at www.michaelallenrose.com

Reviews

[Seb · Rating 3 out of 5]

I had a lot of fun with the first half, which teaches you how to create your own speech.

The second half is a collection of speeches. I struggled with this section at first, but found my way around. It reads like flash fiction.

Flash fiction is really hit or miss: the story is so short it can't change your mind about it. Unfortunately, I found a lot of misses here although some speeches were great.

I really recommend reading the first part which I loved but I didn't enjoy the second part as much.

3.5 stars rounded down

[Matt Henshaw · Rating 5 out of 5]

(This review was actually a speech given while eating progressively spicier spoonfuls of mustard)


Michael Allen Rose has one again gifted humanity with a book that will improve the lives of its readers, and those who are an audience for speech givers who have read his book.


Within its pages, the reader will learn the importance of speechification, and how best to deploy the spoken word for maximum impact.


Through a number of helpful diagrams, the author takes the reader step by step through all of the necessary parts of a speech, from introduction to conclusion.


The pictures and charts are...excuse me... very helpful in understanding the concepts...


Cough cough, ugh, that's spicy... the book, yes, it also contains extremely helpful sample speeches for virtually any pain, er, occasion... cough


ĤHHHHH...HHHHHHH.... the book also contains a great speech on Copernicus, HHHHHH I bet he never ate anything like this...


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (passes out)

(Comes to)
Buy this book, you'll be entertained and informed. Please call an ambulance.

[Milt Theo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Michael Allen Rose, the author of "Jurassichrist," has written an amazingly super-useful and ultra-necessary self-help treatise on the appropriate way to make speeches ON YOUR OWN when the occasion calls for it. With unparalleled expertise, Rose explains how to capture your audience and keep it captured (until the SWAT team arrives). What's more, this is definitely the best book on the market, since after reading and applying faithfully all the recommended tips and techniques, the author promises that there'll be no need to buy anything else like it: "you will give speeches of such stunning brilliance that you will achieve the ultimate speaker’s goal: they will not ask you to do it again" - and he speaks from experience. That's what I want to hear! He even includes helpful instructions on using his book, explaining that it is for reading only, and not, for example, inserting it in any body cavities - perhaps even not opening the book at all will presumably make it last longer. And that's just the wisdom available to you in the very first pages of the book!

Allen's understanding of communication is spot on ("the minotaur of misunderstanding is awakened by the bell of irritation"), and his presentation comes fully supplied with: illustrations, graphs, diagrams, tables, animal photos, maps, sketches, illicit and licit substances chart, cartoons (thankfully all of them related to our topic!). This is an instruction manual to be cherished, valued, and greatly admired for taking into account every little detail in speechmaking: body language, tone, bribing the audience (especially children), speaker personality (introverts, extroverts, perverts), employing your pet as a listener, finding a public forum, and of course Chinchillas. Unfortunately it does not go into explaining how to sell your parents for bath salts or how to make a deal with the fae folk - though it does mention both options!

As I'd have put it on my Amazon review if I could post one (I'm banned from reviewing there on account of posting too many reviews too fast): "Every paragraph will delight you with its straightforward, step-by-step, easy-to-follow instructions on organizing a kick-ass speech for any kind of audience, from the unwashed peasants of Jesus' Sermon on the Mount (extended analysis provided locus situs (sic)) or the national audience of Nixon's Resignation Speech (translated properly by our knowledgeable author) to the Americans (now dead) of Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address (which, according to our expert, changed from his real address at the last minute thanks to his secret service). And finally, not only is it super helpful in enhancing one's oratorical gifts, it's a damn good read: hilarious, intelligent, entertaining, motivational, and AI-resistant.

However, the real highlight of the book is the series of ready-made speeches anyone can use in such situations as: On Toilet in Public Restroom, Out of Paper (addressing your fellow excreters); While Being Slowly Crushed by a Grand Piano that has Fallen from a Makeshift Winch on the side of a Multi-story Walkup; After Turning into a Zombie; and How to conduct a business meeting about the “800-pound gorilla in the room” when there is an actual 800-pound gorilla in the room (haven't we all been there?).

In sum, this is a must-read for any speaker regardless of age or language level: I’ve been a speaker all my life and now I can approach my speech with confidence, and realize when it is time to sh*t up.

[Bitter Karella · Rating 5 out of 5]

A hilarious roast of self-help books that, with asides and infographics and tables, is perfect for the modern short attention span reader! Real heyday of Dave Barry vibes, like when he was writing the good ones like Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need and Dave Barry Does Japan. Read it all the way through to learn the only proper way to speak in public or open it to any random page, like you're doing the Naked Lunch thing, for an instant laugh! Read it with someone you love!

[Elizabeth Broadbent · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read one of the speeches to my kids every single night (11, 13, and 15). Huge fans of Adult Swim classics like Aqua Teen Hunger Force and SeaLab 2021, they pile into my bedroom and shriek for "just one more!" every time I read one. While I definitely omit a few of the more off-color ones, this has become a beloved nightly tradition--when I skip a night, they let me know it. Thank you, Michael Allen Rose, for this awesome book. It's definitely given us plenty of laughs, and we've seriously enjoyed it as a family.

[The Yeti Reads and Reviews · Rating 5 out of 5]

Consider the following scenario: Someone has asked you to make a toast at an event. You reluctantly agree even though you hate public speaking.

Time passes, and it's closer to the date of the event. You haven't written anything. What do you do?

Do you

A) Cancel at the last minute with a lame excuse.

B) Fake your death.

C) Buy a copy of Inappropriate Toasts for All Occasions.

While A and B could be fun, the correct answer is C. It's your one-stop shop for all your toasting needs. From weddings to funerals, it's all there to help you from start to finish. It even has prewritten toasts for those who cannot be bothered.

Get your copy today!

Looking for a book filled with quick wit and bent humor that will have you laughing out loud? This is it. I have not read a book this hilarious in a long, long time. I enjoyed it so much I read it twice. I simply cannot wait to read more from him.

It's a stellar time. Don't miss it!

If you enjoy industrial music, be sure to check out his stuff, Flood Damage.

5 severed fingers out of 5